Story-telling: The Work 101

We are all story-tellers. The only difference is that some of us write our stories down. But make no mistake about it, we’re all crafting stories in our heads starring the people in our lives, and we’re starring in their stories, too. These stories all have something in common: they are fiction.

I’m talking about the story-telling we do when we make assumptions and project our feelings onto others, or our insecurities onto situations.

He didn’t call me back yet. He doesn’t like me anymore.

Susie & Mary went to lunch without me. They’re talking badly about me. 

He didn’t say I look nice. I’m so fat and gross!

He’s not wearing his wedding ring. They’re headed for divorce.

I haven’t invited Jessica to dinner because she’s always busy.

My son behaves this way because he knows it drives me crazy!

Any of this sound familiar? What stories are you telling yourself? My overactive story-telling mind has caused me a lot of suffering. The reason being is that I wasn’t aware my stories were fiction. For example, when my husband would break plans with me, I’d tell myself it was because he didn’t want to spend time with me. I absolutely believed this to be fact. My evidence: he broke plans with me. That’s all the evidence I needed. I couldn’t even hear anything else because I was so hurt that he didn’t want to spend time with me. The story was already written. Therefore, whenever we made plans I feared he would break them again (further proving my story). This built up a lot of anxiety for me and a lot of pressure for him. We ultimately stopped making plans just to avoid it all.

All because of the stories in my head. I use this example because I know it is not uncommon.

This is only one of hundreds of the stories I have told myself and believed to be true. As I’ve cracked the nut on my suffering, I have come to learn the difference and to stop writing so many destructive stories in my head. There is a simple question you can ask yourself when you begin believing your own stories.

Is this true?

Byron Katie is the absolute master of story-telling. She asks the question: Who would you be without your story?

“The Work of Byron Katie is a way of identifying and questioning the thoughts that cause all the anger, fear, depression, addiction, and violence in the world. Experience the happiness of undoing those thoughts through The Work, and allow your mind to return to its true, awakened, peaceful, creative nature.”

There are four stages in Byron Katie’s The Work, a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question the thoughts that cause your suffering. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address the cause of your problems with clarity. In its most basic form, The Work consists of four questions and the turnarounds, and it is all completely free online. I am going to use one statement and go through the process as an example, but I do highly recommend you read more about it at the links provided. It really is a remarkable and most helpful concept.

I will use the previous example of me and my husband to demonstrate how The Work… works?

This is my thought: When my husband breaks plans with me it is because he does not want to spend time with me.

Step 1 of The Work: Complete the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. “For thousands of years we’ve been told not to judge—but let’s face it, we do it all the time. We all have judgments running in our heads. Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love.” – Byron Katie

Using my example, statement #1 on the worksheet would read: I am angry with Mike because he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I would continue filling out the worksheet, writing down how I want him to change, what I want him to do, etc. This is the time to let it all out and really think about how this thought makes you feel and be completely honest with yourself about what you think you need and how you feel about the person you are having this thought about.

You only need to ask this one if you answer “yes” to #1. If you said yes, this allows you a chance to dig deeper. Is it really really true?

How do I react when I think that thought? 

Angry, hurt, lonely, abandoned, accusatory, insecure, unworthy of affection, closed off to compromise and discussion (to name a few).

Who would I be without the thought?

Willing to listen, willing to compromise, rational, patient, understanding, secure.

Example: Mike doesn’t want to spend time with me.  

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” -Byron Katie

I walked through a brief example of The Work because I truly believe it is a helpful exercise. Byron Katie has so many wonderful videos of her going through The Work with people regarding all different stories: a woman who lost her daughter in a car accident who couldn’t figure out how to say she would ever look forward to losing her daughter again, a man who hates his cancer and cannot figure out how to turn that around, a son who wants his Mom to be happy and has his own thoughts about what happiness means.

The Work is another tool for your toolbox. Be aware of the stories you’re telling yourself. Ask yourself if they are true. Turn them around, and work toward peace.

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