Supported

We all want to support our best friends and closest loved ones the best we know how. We also want to feel supported by them in return. It’s not always easy though, because just like how we all speak different primary love languages, I realize we all speak different primary support languages. Do you know how you feel best supported? Do you know your go-to support method when you’re the one doing the supporting?

Many of us lean towards one of two directions, I think. Borrowing my friend Kathy’s words, I will refer to these methods as “Mom” and “Dad.” For example, in times of stress or sorrow, do you have a tendency to skip over sympathy and jump right in with advice or attempt to come up with ways to solve the problem? That’s the ‘Dad’ method. Or are you a hugger, back rubber, and more likely to sympathize and listen? That’s the ‘Mom” method. (Yes, I am generalizing.)

I have had a tendency to crave the ‘Mom’ method for myself when I’m hurting, but speak the ‘Dad’ method when offering support. I am action-oriented. When I am clear-headed, I am a problem solver. But when I’m not, like when I’m upset, I don’t want to answer questions and take advice. That kind of support often makes me feel worse. When I’m upset I want a great big hug and to be told everything will be okay, or something like “Damn, Jess, that (insert any of one million upsetting things here) really sucks and I’m sorry that happened.” Oftentimes the offer to beat someone up for me makes me smile and speeds up the healing process. Oh, and a good joke.

I know this because I have been thinking about support a lot lately. At times I have felt poorly supported, but it has recently occurred to me: Have I made it clear how I want to be supported? Have you? I also realize I have been a crappy supporter at times, not for lack of trying, but for lack of offering what the person needed. 

As I become more mindful and practice listening (really listening), I have worked on doing two things:

1. Expressing my expectations (saying how best to support me):

Recently I wanted to confide something to Kathy, but I hesitated because Kathy has a tendency to ask tough questions and make me do work, like hard work, that I wasn’t interested in doing yet because I was still processing. She’s not so much ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’, but more like ‘High Priestess/Therapist/Earth Angel’.

So I said, “Kathy, I want to tell you something, but I don’t want to do The Work and I don’t want to answer a lot of questions.” Then I told her ‘something’, and she supported me perfectly, exactly the way I needed because she is an amazing friend. I think she would have supported me the same even if I hadn’t told her what I needed, but it was better for me to be clear, I think. And even though I didn’t ask her to offer to beat someone up for me, my wonderful, petite friend offered anyway.

Don’t worry so much about how people will interpret your expressing your expectations. Communication prevents confusion. Several days later Kathy and I were still on the topic of support and she said with a laugh, “People judge way more when they don’t know what the fuck’s going on.” She’s right.

2. Being ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’:

People like to vent; it’s good for them. Most people, in my experience, don’t want you to help solve their problems, at least not right away. Most people want to be heard, and they want their problem validated, whether you consider it deserving or not. Validation does not mean you agree or approve. Validation is simply recognition. I may not consider a stained expensive shoe worth getting upset over, but I can at least recognize how that could be upsetting.

I have oftentimes made upsetting matters far worse by failing to be supportive in the way someone needed. For example, my mom has a lot of physical pain and she often breaks down in conversation because it is upsetting and debilitating to be in pain all the time. I often failed to sympathize with her. I would jump right in with suggestions. “Did you try this? Did you try that?” Since she wasn’t in the mood for advice and suggestions, she’d often get more upset and then I’d accuse her of not helping herself and we’d both wind up feeling awful. I see now she only needed someone to listen and be sympathetic.

Now I try harder to be ‘Mom’ first by sympathizing and listening, even though it isn’t my inclination. I also try to empathize by putting myself in their shoes.

Afterward I ask if there’s anything I can do, and I offer the obvious. “I can call a few dry cleaners in the area and see if they can get the stain out?” Whether my help or advice is requested or accepted, I make it known I am available for help or to listen.

I’m trying to be a more supportive person. But I still struggle when I don’t feel supported. I know I need to be able to support myself, but that still doesn’t take away the desire to feel supported by my loved ones. I also know the root of suffering is attachment and I’m attached to my desire to be supported in certain ways. I have tried making it clear, but what happens when you explain how you’d like to be supported, and you still don’t receive that support? That’s where the suffering comes in.

What about support over dreams and goals?

If you were about to rock climb a tall wall, would you want:

a. Someone at the top reaching for you to pull you up?
b. Someone below you, giving you a boost?
c. Someone alongside you taking every step with you?
d. Someone on the ground cheering you on?
e. Someone at home who gave you the space to do this on your own?

I feel best supported when I am encouraged and when there is an expressed interest in what I am doing. I don’t need someone to rock climb with me. I want someone to believe I can climb the wall, tell me so, and whether I fail or succeed, to ask about my experience and care about my response. That’s the support I desire.

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