I stumbled upon a former friend’s birthday in my calendar when scheduling some appointments and my stomach dropped. When I originally entered the occasion eight or so years ago, I scheduled it to be repeated annually. When prompted for how long, I selected “forever”, what I assumed the duration of our friendship would be.
I was wrong.
I deleted the series without hesitation, permanently removing any written reminder of her birthday. If I happen to remember it on my own, I will send her metta (loving-kindness) and go on with my day. But having a permanent reminder doesn’t serve me. Reminders of her sting like paper cuts – hardly visible, not at all critical nor long-lasting, but painful nevertheless. They add nothing positive to my life, so therefore have no reason to stay.
Holding on to painful memories that don’t serve us is masochistic. It welcomes unnecessary grief and stunts the healing and growing process. Time heals wounds, but only if we leave them alone. Looking at pictures, keeping note of birthdays or certain “would-be” anniversaries, and leaving numbers in your phone are all acts of scab-picking that reopen wounds. These acts create scars that remain visible and then serve as their own permanent reminders. What you end up with is trauma over the loss, and additional suffering over the way you handled the loss.
I have experienced a lot of devastating trauma around friendships throughout my life. During my release ritual, I dealt with my feelings of abandonment, resentments, and sense of inferiority. I let so many of those lingering traumas go, but although faded, I will always carry the scars of a major loss that occurred during adolescence. The reason why is simple — the event shaped who I am. I don’t lament that loss, however. I have accepted it.
The loss of this friend whose birthday I deleted from my calendar hasn’t had such a lasting impact on me. The friendship came at a time when I desperately needed one. I literally prayed for a friend and I felt that my prayers had been answered when she entered my life. The truth is, however, that we weren’t very good friends to one another, and in hindsight, it’s easy to see why our friendship didn’t survive its challenges and outside influences. What is weak is easily broken, and our friendship had weakened over its last couple of years until it simply faded away without a single parting word.
Although I struggled briefly with the lack of finality (I like closure), I acknowledged that was a need that would serve no one if pursued. Shortly after things were obviously over forever, I had a wonderful dream. In that dream, I visited her in her new home. As was often the case throughout our friendship, I struggled for her attention, having to compete with her child and cellphone as I struggled to make small talk. Finally, she looked up at me and said, “I love you, but not as much.” This news was wonderful and I replied in excitable agreement, “Oh my God, I feel the same way. I don’t love you as much anymore, either!”
I awoke from my dream smiling and feeling lighter. I had gotten my closure. Sometimes it’s that simple — you just don’t love as much as you once did. And sometimes people come into your life for a reason, and when that reason has run its course, it is time for them to go. I don’t regret this friendship because I fully understand the purpose it served and I have a lot of great memories. But I also understand why it ended, and this is why I do not grieve. My heart is not broken.
But just because I do not grieve, doesn’t mean I care to be reminded of the loss of this friendship and the lingering negative emotions that sometimes accompany thoughts of her. During the minimalism challenge earlier this year, I disposed of some of the physical items that reminded me of her. Then later when I read Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, I was able to hold a remaining item and ask myself truthfully: does this bring me joy? The answer was no, so I thanked the item for its time in my life, and placed it in the trash.
Although not a physical item, a reminder on a calendar can be clutter. Technology and social media rule our lives. Consider cleaning up your calendar, old saved e-mails, and who you’re following. If someone or things that someone often shares don’t serve you or make you feel anything but happy or educated, then they don’t serve you and can be deleted from your life.
Allowing these negative triggers to stay is an invitation to be hurt. I cannot tell you how many times I have searched for an e-mail using keywords and old hurtful or stressful e-mails have shown up in the results, sidetracking me and inflicting painful jabs. I have minimized my possessions and those things that do not bring me joy. It is time to take those habits online.
I may think of my friend on her birthday and I may not. At least I won’t be caught off guard by a reminder. This wound is nearly healed — I think I’ll keep leaving it alone.
My gosh, this post is just so great for where I am in my life! I feel like my life is so cluttered, not only from endless emails that I get from all the blogs I've subscribed to… but also from "friends" that no longer have a place in my life. I think everyone needs to declutter their lives and delete things that don't help them grow either in the present or the future!
Hi Diana, thanks for reading. Yes, clutter comes in all forms and it is so good to take time to re-evaluate and take action to delete, file away, unsubscribe, etc. rather than continue to have things in our line of sight. Good luck!