Near the end of 2015, I sat on my counselor’s couch and broke down about my weight. The topic had never come up before; it’s not why I had been seeing her. Weight was an issue exclusively addressed by proper diet and exercise, so I thought. It had never occurred to me before that very morning to ever discuss it with her. But the night before, I binged and purged and the taste of shame and regret lingered in my mouth. I felt desperate and frightened by my destructive and unhealthy behavior. So finally, after years of dieting and exercising, and successes and failures as erratic as toddlers with too much sugar, I finally sat across from her, crying, and asked if she could help me.
“I know how to meal plan, count calories, and eat right. I know how to exercise. Please trust me on this.”
She did trust me. After nineteen months, she had gotten to know me quite intimately. She was also excited – I sensed her enthusiasm. She knew how to help me, and I’d soon learn it wouldn’t involve any talk of diet or exercise.
It would involve my mind; the sabotaging thoughts and destructive habits that plagued me. She drew a triangle on a piece of paper, and labeled each of the three corners. Thoughts. Feelings. Actions.
“What do you think when you overeat?” she asked.
“I think I’m a fat fuck.”
She drew a line connecting thought to feeling. “And what do you feel?”
“Hopeless.”
She drew a line from feeling to action. “And then what do you do?”
“I eat more.”
“And then what do you think?”
“That I’ll never lose weight.”
She drew faster.
“Then I feel angry and disgusted. Then I do something destructive.”
And around and around the triangle we went.
“This is the cognitive triangle. This,” she said, tapping pen against paper, “is the destructive cycle you get stuck in. It’s not easy to get out of. But when you do, it works just as well. What do you think when you eat well?”
“That I’m a rockstar,” I answered truthfully, laughing.
“And what do you feel?”
“Empowered.”
“And then how do you act?”
“I make smart choices and take care of myself.”
“Exactly.”
Such a simple concept so clearly illustrated. I left her office that day with my triangle, a book recommendation, and a sense of profound hope and excitement. I knew we were on to something. Not only have I been battling my weight my entire adult life, I have been battling myself; my own sabotaging and destructive thoughts, that voice inside my head that told me I’d never succeed.
Yes, I’m overweight because I have a tendency to eat too much, but I know my problem is not food. I admitted I am an emotional over-eater. I eat my emotions, rather than feel and process them. I comfort myself the only way I have ever known how to comfort myself – with food- and then I berate and abuse myself for it, which only results in my eating more to comfort myself. It is a horribly destructive cycle. It’s why I’m overweight.
I have been taking this new approach to my weight loss since the new year and I am seeing successful results. It’s really hard work! No, not the exercise and meal planning and cooking. I love that part! I’ve always enjoyed that part – those habits aren’t new to me. It’s the rewiring my brain part that’s so hard. Quieting the sabotaging voices, remaining mindful, feeling terribly uncomfortable emotions, rather than stuffing them down into my belly with potato chips and cheese popcorn.
January and February were two long months of learning for me. But this approach is working! And I believe our minds are what most of our major problems are when it comes to weight loss, especially if, like me, you already eat right a lot of the time and exercise often.
I’ll be sharing more about this approach. It can be applied to anything we struggle with in our lives, which makes it so beneficial to everyone. I’m definitely on to something… it’s changing my life.
Do you have any experience with cognitive therapy?
Thanks for stopping by my blog last month. I’m finally returning the favor!
I appreciate it! I’m on your site now and can’t find a subscribe button… I’d like to follow you.
Thanks for letting me know about this issue. I hadn’t realized that my subscribe widget disappeared when I changed themes a few months ago.