I’m in a dark and scary place on my journey. A beast creeps around every tree, its presence surrounding me like fog. I struggle between finding the strength to be my own light and succumbing to the darkness, laying down on the damp earth, and letting it consume me.
Despite everything I know, believe and practice, I am not immune to depression. Depression is not the flu; there is no vaccine. But there are so many similarities. I feel like I’m coming down with a virus. I’m tired and unmotivated, weak and uninterested. I want to block out the sun, pull the covers over my head, and sleep.
I don’t know why I’m depressed. We don’t ask people with the flu why they have the flu. It just happens. I’m waiting and hoping this sadness runs its course. But unlike the flu, depression is not a legitimate excuse to call out from work or miss a meeting or blog post. So everything I do feels forced and exhausts me. I do what I have to do, go where I have to go, but my heart isn’t in anything. I know I am a passionate, excitable and energetic person. But lately, I feel two dimensional, flat and empty.
Like the flu, no one wants depression. It’s awful. But unlike the flu, the support and understanding from loved ones often just isn’t there, increasing the sense of loneliness, which tends to intensify the symptoms.
I know I’ll be okay, but right now I feel awful. I know I’m loved, but right now I feel alone. I know there are things I can do to feel better, but right now none of them interest me and I’m too tired. I know that right now in this very moment nothing is hurting me, but right now I’m hurting anyway.
This is my blog post this week because I am committed to writing one and I am committed to sharing my journey with you. This is where I am. I do not suspect this leg of the journey will last long, and if it does, I know I have resources to help me. I’ve seen this setting before, but I won’t say I’ve been down this road before. That’s because my journey doesn’t go in circles. And although the scenery is eerily familiar, I know it is not the same. Because I am not the same. And I know this is depression and not something someone did or something broken inside of me. Depression is the beast in the woods that is often content to leave me alone, but sometimes treks a bit too close to my trail.
I know our paths will part again.
I’ll be waiting for you on the other side of the woods. I feel like you’ve come a long way in recognizing where you are now, and having the confidence in knowing that your feelings will ebb again.
I am grateful for your support, Mieke. (hugs)
As long as you know you have support. Use the tools and resources at your disposal. There is no shame in being where you are, and equally none in doing what you need to in order to move past this.
I’m learning that shame is a big part of my problem. Thank you for that reminder.
Hang in Jessica. Your openness, good will, and pleasant, helpful demeanor is a light to others.
Tom, I so appreciate your comment. It is so uplifting to hear that. Thank you for your support.