Balance: A Place Between All & Nothing

I’m a Gemini. Most of my life my twins have been polar opposites. I go to extremes: all or nothing, indulgence or deprivation! I’m spontaneous and compulsive. I have often struggled with balance and middle ground. I drove my Mom bonkers as a young adult and was (mis) diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I had two settings: on and off. Whether eating, drinking, partying, falling in love, or studying: I either didn’t go near the roller coaster or I rode it all the way until I was physically ill. It never occurred to me that I could do things gradually or in moderation. Thankfully, I have learned how to pause, but old habits die hard and balance is still a constant struggle.

Riding the Swings

A few weeks back I went to happy hour. My intentions were to have two drinks and be on my way. Several glasses of wine later it was time to go, but I didn’t feel done. The imprint of my old behaviors kicked in and I wanted more. As I walked alone to my train stop, every bar enticed me. One sat at the corner of my train stop and I spontaneously took steps toward the door. Mere feet from the entrance I stopped dead. What am I doing? I stood there, frozen as if I had seen a ghost. So many thoughts collided in my inebriated mind, but two questions rose louder above the noise: What do I want in there? What am I craving?

As soon as the embarrassing truth to those questions came to me, I practically ran down the steps to the train as if the bar might shout after me and change my mind. It wasn’t more alcohol I craved, but something else, and a bar wasn’t the place to get it. So I went home and went to bed. I woke up the next day not with the familiar feeling of shame or regret, but with pride.

I told my best girlfriend, Kathy about my success. “I know it may not seem like that big a deal, but it feels like a huge deal.”

“It is a huge deal,” she said. “You didn’t get on the coaster. You went on the swings and when you were ready, you got off.”

I love that analogy.

Pause

I was able to avoid walking into the bar for two reasons: mindfulness and cognitive therapy. Most of my life I have acted without even a millisecond to think. The amount of times impulsiveness has caused me harm far outweighs the number of times it has benefited me. When we allow our emotions to take over and don’t pause to think is when we say and do things we often regret.

Pausing takes practice. My pause muscle is one I have to strengthen, just like my resistance muscle. It’s not easy to stop, breathe, and think, especially when your adrenaline is pumping, you’re inebriated, or your emotions are heightened. But every single time I am able to do this, I am grateful and proud. That’s what cognitive therapy and mindfulness are — being aware of yourself and your thinking.

Balance

Balance is a daily struggle but something I have much more of in my life these days. Balance for me is leaving happy hour when it ends, not after midnight. It’s eating some chips then putting the bag away for another day. It’s productive in the morning and lazy in the afternoon. It’s a big lunch and small dinner. It’s expressing my frustration without picking a fight.

It’s ironic: I don’t even like roller coasters. I do love swings, however. How nice to be able to get on, but stop when I’m ready rather than be at the mercy of the ride. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I can live life on my own terms.

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