I recently pushed my body to its physical limits at a new brand of spin class whose goal is to guide riders through an inspirational, meditative fitness experience that’s designed to benefit the body, mind and soul. Three quarters through the class the instructor shouted for us to concentrate on what we love most about ourselves. Red in the face and short of breath, my eyes stung. Not with sweat, but with tears. It took a year just for me to list things I like about myself. Out of the saddle, calves on fire, pedaling like my life depended on it, it came to me. I DON’T GIVE UP. “Now validate it!” the instructor yelled. I pushed even harder.
Images of all the times I considered quitting and didn’t played through my mind: endurance races like Spartan, grueling steep hikes, school… But I don’t give up, no matter how much it hurts or how long it takes. This is what I love about me.
And this is why today marks my 32nd day cigarette-free. Because I haven’t quit on trying to quit smoking. I have tried and failed countless times, but I don’t give up. I refuse to concede that it’s just too hard and accept being a social smoker. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone 32 days. I can’t promise it will be the last. But I can promise that if it’s not the last, I will try again.
It is this unwillingness to give up that drives me to keep trying to lose weight, keeps me on this journey, keeps me pursuing my dreams of being a successful writer. I truly believe I can achieve my goals if I work hard enough. If I don’t achieve them, it will only be because I stopped trying. If I smoke again, I won’t blame the fact that I live with a smoker. That is simply a large obstacle. If I can’t lose weight, I won’t blame the practically non-existent healthy options of convenience food. It will mean I didn’t do enough to manage my diet, exercise and eating disorders. If I don’t become a successful writer, I won’t blame the flooded market and saturated blogosphere. It will mean I didn’t work hard enough at honing my craft and didn’t spend enough time writing. There is nothing and no one to blame for my failures but me.
The same goes for my victories. On this 32nd day of being cigarette-free, I am reminded that I can do hard things. Although I never give up, it often seems as though I rarely get to stop pedaling either. But today, one day over a full month, is finally a win. Today I get to hop off the bike and take in the scenery a bit. Yes, it took many attempts to quit smoking. But maybe all those attempts were just practice. Maybe now I’m finally ready to WIN.
