"Weighting" for My Birthday Wish

11:15, 12:00, 12:30, 12:45, 1:30, 2:00, 2:15… every time I opened my eyes during a restless sleep it was somehow a perfect quarter. Finally, I rose at 4:00 am, a nice even number for this Gemini. You see, today is my birthday. But it wasn’t excitement that kept me from sound sleep. It was uncertainty over whether or not I would get my birthday wish. And by 4:02 am, it was clear that I wouldn’t.

Writing about Weight

I’m going to do something here I’ve never done before. I’m going to write about my weight. I am going to tell you that I crossed the threshold of 200 pounds in July, 2013 and have been over it ever since, maxing out at a shameful 230 at one point. What I won’t do is go into all the contributing factors that lead to this. Not because they’re necessarily private, but because it all boils down to me numbing myself by stuffing food in my face and pouring alcohol down my throat. It was a stressful, dark, angry few years… I coped with food and drink.

Thanks to therapy and incredible tools, this year has finally been different and I’ve been losing the weight. (I will go into more details on this in another post.) But I’ve been feeling good and working hard and my mind has been working with me, rather than against me. And so I made a birthday wish. All I wanted today was to wake up and get on that scale and see a number under 200. That’s all.

This birthday wish has consumed me, especially these past few days as I made all my last ditch attempts to make my wish come true. That included walking 11 miles yesterday, and ending my day in a sauna. I didn’t care if the number was back up over 200 after breakfast, or even a tall glass of water. I only wanted to see 199.9 for a second, just to know it was possible.

And in case you’re thinking it by now, yes, I know I put a lot of emphasis on weight. I always have. I’ve recently realized I have many limiting beliefs wrapped up in weight and numbers. I am still very much on this journey and I still have a long way to go, particularly in this area. But the fact that I am even writing about it today is significant.

“Weighting”

Back to my wish. Last night, I knew in my heart I wouldn’t make it. I came home from the gym showered and defeated. “Well, that’s it,” I said to Mike. “There’s nothing else I can do but wait and see.” I wasn’t tired, but I was dejected, so I began my restless night in bed.

I worried how I would feel if my gut (no pun intended) was right and I didn’t get my wish. It would certainly put a damper on my birthday. Probably not wise to start my 35th year throwing a scale and crying in a heap on the floor. I worried what I’d write in this birthday post. I didn’t dare draft one word, not knowing what the outcome would be or how I would possibly feel.

And so at 4:00 am I woke up, used the bathroom, stripped off my clothes and got on the scale. It was a number this Gemini could appreciate. A nice even 202.

I must have matured a bit over my restless night between 34 and 35 because I didn’t kick the scale or cry, or even curse, or feel anything really. In fact, I felt… satisfied? It was like, “Okay, now let’s get on with our day.” I had put so much emphasis on this one second of my birthday and it was over in an instant. I immediately realized that I still got to see a number I hadn’t seen in years (8/22/13 to be exact) and I still managed to lose 7.3 lbs. in 10 days (which is awesome for me).

I didn’t get my wish. But the truth is that I feel great. And I am comforted by knowing I tried my hardest and didn’t give up. I’ll get there. By my estimates, factoring adding back on some water weight and birthday plans, it will take a little over a week. I’m down 28 pounds so far for the year. That’s something to be proud of. I have until the end of June to get down to 190 in order to collect my $1,500 from HealthyWage. (Sign up for HealthyWage by May 30 using this link and add $40 to each of our prize pots in the process.) I’ll get there, too.

34 was a good year. Most significantly, I quit smoking, and continued to come home to myself. I published Questions For Life, traveled to two new places, and started my Integrative Wellness and Life Coaching certification training. I’m proud of myself. And I’m excited for what 35 will bring. After all, I know I can do hard things.

And as for the rest of my birthday, I’m officially on staycation through Monday! I have assorted lovely plans I am very much looking forward to, including lots of time for exercise and catching up on good old fashioned magazines while laying in my hammock. Ahhh… bliss.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for spending another year with me on this journey.