Look Back Before Looking Forward

I’m careful with my labeling these days. Days, events, people — these things can’t be summarized by one simple adjective like ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ While people were quick to label 2020 as the worst year ever, I felt quite differently as I wrote in my Refusing to Renounce 2020 review. If I had to label 2020 with one word, I’d say it was “exciting.” Exciting in the sense that it was scary and uncertain, yet also exhilarating and happy. After all, I underwent major life changes.

Looking Back on 2021

Like most strong emotions, however, they fade over time. My excitement dwindled as my life settled into a more predictable and steady routine. Space was created — to reflect, to feel, but also to grieve. Like a delayed fuse, the grief I experienced around my home, my marriage, and some friendships was unexpected and powerful.

As I look back before looking forward to the new year, the word “challenging” comes to mind. 2021 brought no shortage of growing pains as I struggled to navigate physical injuries, the finalization of my divorce, a sick and elderly dog, grief, the ongoing pandemic, disordered eating habits and addictive tendencies. There were times I didn’t handle things well, and instead fell back on old, unhealthy coping mechanisms. Things came to a head these last two months due to a back injury, the death of my beloved dog, Cooper, and the fear of a surging Omicron variant.

There were many dark days. I feel as though I regressed this past year, rather than grow.

Coincidentally (or not), the question for December 29 in my daily journal, Questions for Life is: In what ways did you grow this year?

I really had to give it some thought. Then I realized that there was a shift in me this past year: I loved despite my pain. I owned my suffering. I let people in and allowed them to cradle me. The only person I hurt was myself, a big departure from when I hurtled my pain at others like axes intent to inflict injury.

And you know what else? I didn’t always cope poorly. In fact, I think I showed myself love and grace and coped better than I give myself credit for. Maybe it’s because I am loved and supported, but maybe it’s also because I am finally learning to love myself.

Yes, I have grown this year.

Looking Forward to 2022

The new year is bright. With the exception of two outings, I’ve been holed up in my apartment for 9 days now on vacation. I have taken this time to rest, to recharge, to reflect… to recuperate.

I’m ready now for 2022 and the 365 opportunities that come with it. I’m inspired. I know what my priorities are. I’m ready to release 2021 with love and gratitude for all the joy, love, and laughter, as well as the pain, fear, and tears.

I am heading into 2022 with an open heart, a desire to show myself the love I deserve, and create for myself the life I want.

And I’m not heading into 2022 alone. My amazing partner is by my side as I write this, just like he was throughout all of 2021, helping me, supporting me, cradling me… loving me, as I have loved him.

2022 is going to be a good year.