I’m careful with my labeling these days. Days, events, people — these things can’t be summarized by one simple adjective like ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ While people were quick to label 2020 as the worst year ever, I felt quite differently as I wrote in my Refusing to Renounce 2020 review. If I had to label 2020 with one word, I’d say it was “exciting.” Exciting in the sense that it was scary and uncertain, yet also exhilarating and happy. After all, I underwent major life changes.

Looking Back on 2021

Like most strong emotions, however, they fade over time. My excitement dwindled as my life settled into a more predictable and steady routine. Space was created — to reflect, to feel, but also to grieve. Like a delayed fuse, the grief I experienced around my home, my marriage, and some friendships was unexpected and powerful.

As I look back before looking forward to the new year, the word “challenging” comes to mind. 2021 brought no shortage of growing pains as I struggled to navigate physical injuries, the finalization of my divorce, a sick and elderly dog, grief, the ongoing pandemic, disordered eating habits and addictive tendencies. There were times I didn’t handle things well, and instead fell back on old, unhealthy coping mechanisms. Things came to a head these last two months due to a back injury, the death of my beloved dog, Cooper, and the fear of a surging Omicron variant.

There were many dark days. I feel as though I regressed this past year, rather than grow.

Coincidentally (or not), the question for December 29 in my daily journal, Questions for Life is: In what ways did you grow this year?

I really had to give it some thought. Then I realized that there was a shift in me this past year: I loved despite my pain. I owned my suffering. I let people in and allowed them to cradle me. The only person I hurt was myself, a big departure from when I hurtled my pain at others like axes intent to inflict injury.

And you know what else? I didn’t always cope poorly. In fact, I think I showed myself love and grace and coped better than I give myself credit for. Maybe it’s because I am loved and supported, but maybe it’s also because I am finally learning to love myself.

Yes, I have grown this year.

Looking Forward to 2022

The new year is bright. With the exception of two outings, I’ve been holed up in my apartment for 9 days now on vacation. I have taken this time to rest, to recharge, to reflect… to recuperate.

I’m ready now for 2022 and the 365 opportunities that come with it. I’m inspired. I know what my priorities are. I’m ready to release 2021 with love and gratitude for all the joy, love, and laughter, as well as the pain, fear, and tears.

I am heading into 2022 with an open heart, a desire to show myself the love I deserve, and create for myself the life I want.

And I’m not heading into 2022 alone. My amazing partner is by my side as I write this, just like he was throughout all of 2021, helping me, supporting me, cradling me… loving me, as I have loved him.

2022 is going to be a good year.

Poor 2020. You got a really, really bad wrap. I can’t say it isn’t deserved with all you’ve brought us:

• Sickness and death
• Never-ending politics and divisiveness
• Quarantine and isolation
• Job and financial insecurity

Those are only a few of the horrible things we endured as a collective throughout 2020.

And yet, I am refusing to renounce 2020.

Looking Toward 2020

Looking back at last year’s annual end of year reflection, I was so excited for 2020. I had seven trips planned, including my first trip to Europe and my first visit to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I also wrote that as a result of my eating disorder recovery, I felt “lighter… hopeful,” as I looked to the year ahead. After spending the majority of my adult life obsessed with food and weight, my recovery would create mental space for other pursuits in 2020.

I had no idea what those pursuits would be at the time…

Living in 2020

I didn’t get to go on a single one of those trips.

But I was right about gaining some mental space. Not obsessing over food and weight loss gave me clarity around other aspects of my life, particularly how lonely and unhappy I felt in my marriage. I left my husband in May and moved to an apartment. I chose to live alone rather than stay with someone who made me feel alone.

2020 would teach many of us a great deal about loneliness. About how to occupy ourselves. About how to care for ourselves when we have nowhere to go and no one to see. Honestly, I’m still figuring out how to live and work alone.

Given the pandemic and the giant leap I took in leaving my home and husband, I took the rest of the year off from goals and decided to just do my best. Early on my best was crying less than five times a day and brushing my teeth at some point before noon. I binged and purged at times. I started smoking here and there after nearly four years without a single cigarette. I blacked out from alcohol.

Surviving 2020

Over time, my best got better as I learned to cope. All of our bests got better. We are a resilient bunch and we adapt.

As bad as it was at times, I refuse to renounce 2020. That’s because 2020 was also good to me.

Despite the sickness and death, me and my loved ones remained healthy.

Despite the politics and divisiveness, the majority of people voted for a return to decency.

Despite the quarantine and isolation, I experienced friendship, companionship, and love.

Despite job and financial insecurity, I have worked and been able to save money.

Despite the sorrow and uncertainty, I have survived.

Looking Toward 2021

There isn’t a single person who could have predicted what would come in 2020, so how much should we plan for 2021?

I have some ideas of what I’d like to do and accomplish in 2021, including a rescheduled trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I’ve written down goals, as I always do. But among all that 2020 has taught us, we’ve also learned that nothing is guaranteed. Plans, and life, can change on a dime.

So I will remain open. I will continue improving on my best as I get better at living this new life of mine in a much changed world.

A year ago I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me we’d be five months in to a global pandemic and life as we know it would be completely changed. I also wouldn’t have believed you if you told me that during that pandemic I would separate from my husband and move out of my home in to a small apartment.

2020 has been a year for unbelievable things. And once again life has demonstrated that a lot can change in a year.

I moved out of the home I’ve shared with my husband for the past nine years on May 16, eight days before my 38th birthday. I truly believe it was for the best… for both of us. And I take comfort in knowing that we tried to save our marriage. But in the end, it became clear that our marriage was irrevocably broken. I accept responsibility for the pain and damage I caused. I wasn’t always easy to live with. And I wasn’t always kind.

Some things just can’t be fixed. And sometimes people are simply incapable of giving their partner what they need or want. And eventually, you just stop asking. Some people learn to go without.

I am not willing to go without.

When realization punches you in the stomach, it fucking hurts. But whether you act on your newfound clarity or not, you’re in for discomfort no matter what. So you need to decide which discomfort you’re willing to take: the discomfort of fear, denial and your current situation; or the discomfort of taking action and implementing change.

I want more from life. And so I made the most difficult decision of my entire life… the decision to change it.

I attribute the work I’ve done on myself over the past six years for getting me to this point. It’s been a long, hard road. And I will be completely honest with you — some days the road feels insurmountable and I lay down and cry. Nothing about this has been easy. And although some days I feel so overwhelmed and sad that I can’t breathe, I have never once considered going backward. And as I sit here typing, tears streaming down my face, I take comfort in that. I know with absolute certainty I made the right decision.

This is the first time I’ve ever lived on my own. It’s been an adjustment. I am re-learning about myself and who I am and how I like things. I get lonely. I get scared. The pandemic doesn’t help. I don’t see many people. I go days without leaving my apartment at times.

But there are also good days and bright spots in my life for which I am beyond grateful. I am becoming my own friend. And my passion for cooking has returned. In fact, cooking in my small kitchen has inspired a new creative project that I am excited to share with you all soon. In the meantime, I invite you to follow Big Appetite.Small Kitchen on Instagram to see what I’m cooking up.

Dear Readers, I hope that you are well and safe and taking every precaution while self-isolating to help flatten the curve on Coronavirus. These are unprecedented times and I know that fear, stress and anxiety are rampant. I wanted to write sooner, but I’ve been struggling myself as I’ve attempted to adjust to this new normal.

Things are scary and there is a lot to worry about on top of natural emotions like loneliness, sadness, and boredom. It’s a recipe to trigger any disorder or addiction. I know I’ve been drinking too much, eating too much (which is triggering my disordered behaviors and thoughts around food), sleeping too much, working too much, reading the news too much, watching too much TV… too many unhelpful things too much of the time, of which there is simply too much.

I’ve allowed it with minimal self-judgement though because I understand I’m adjusting to a situation I’ve never experienced. I have a lot of helpful coping tools for my anxiety, disorders, and addictive tendencies, but it feels like I’m being given the ultimate test. We’re all being asked to build something we’ve never seen and for which we have no instructions. We’re all blind here, learning as we go.

So I’ve taken the past few weeks to feel my way around my emotions and this new way of life. I’ve allowed myself to give in to my emotions and fall back on old unhelpful coping tools like sleeping, drinking, and eating.

It’s funny in a weird sort of way; how many times I’d wish to be able to stay at home. How much I’d accomplish! I guess that’s why they say to be careful what you wish for. Granted, I didn’t wish for it to be under these circumstances. But here I am with an overabundance of hours in the day struggling to find the motivation to do much of anything, other than what I absolutely have to. Shit, I’m not even showering every day.

I’m impressed by those who are doing well under these circumstances. I’m not. I am weighed down by fear and loneliness, two exhausting waves of emotion lapping against the shores of my depression threatening to pull me in.

That being said, if I’ve learned anything over the past six years of this wellness journey it’s how to recognize when I need to course correct. The time is now.

Correcting Course

As I struggled with emotions that are triggering my disorders and addictions, I thought I’d reach out to someone whom I know continues to thrive. Jennie Claire has overcome more than most people, including a stroke last year that left her half-paralyzed. She’s since recovered and opened Rooted Yoga and Wellness, a yoga studio centered around holistic wellness and giving back to the community.

I asked Jennie, as someone only six months sober, to share with me how she’s managing and to offer some advice to people who are struggling with their own addictions or disorders. She answered, using alcohol as an example, but we can substitute any behavior or substance: food/disordered eating, sex, drugs, gambling, shopping/hoarding… anything that is part of our addictive pattern.

“A global shut down provides us two opportunities: to get good old fashioned drunk, or to stay, or perhaps even become sober. Addiction is often a disease of loneliness, a disease of dysfunction, a disease of feeling inadequate. When we drink, the question we should be asking ourselves is why? What caused us to approach this toxin as a form of self medicating? What are we running from? What are we hiding? What are we afraid of?”

Distraction and avoidance. We turn to substances or behaviors to numb and distract ourselves from what we don’t want to/can’t face: fear, discomfort. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing.

Although Jennie is six months sober, she has been in and out recovery for 21 years, replacing one addiction with another.

“But today I am free,” she said. “Free from the fears, the burdens, the shackles that brought me into the patterns. Today I understand how to be alone, and that being alone doesn’t cause loneliness. Today I understand how to explore the emotions I am feeling instead of running and medicating.”

“This global pandemic to me is an opportunity to dive into yourself, your self worth, your fears, your frustrations, your why. And, chances are if you’re wondering if you should stop a behavior, you should. So today is a perfect day to take the first step. To breath in a new life free of chains, and full of hope.”

Today I took the first step. It’s a new month and self-isolation is mandated for at least 30 more days. Whether we like it or not, this way of life is our new normal. I have two opportunities, like Jennie said. I can continue to sink into old destructive patterns and behaviors or I can go inward, face my emotions, sit with them rather than numb them, and work toward doing more of that which brings me peace.

Today I went for an early morning bike ride and practiced yoga. I showered. I started reading a new book and wrote. I ate three healthy meals. I created a habit tracker for healthy habits I’d like to re-cultivate. I made a list of projects I can tackle throughout the month.

I know some days will be harder than others and on those days the best thing for me may be to stay in my pajamas, nap, and watch television. And on those days, I will do that. But I’d like for it to be by conscious choice, not because I am subconsciously hiding from my emotions.

We humans are incredibly resilient. But as we acclimate to our new environments, I urge you to be gentle with yourself and focus on your mental well-being. Many of us struggle with motivation on even the best of days. I’m not looking to make progress on my novel or come out of this a size smaller. I’m just trying not to come out of this worse than I went in. And I think if I can manage that, then I know I will at the very least come out stronger.

And so will you.

Rooted Yoga and Wellness is offering donation-based classes online! Classes include meditation, Yoga for Recovery (which complements the 12 step program), restorative yoga, yoga nidra and “Angst Away Asana.” Click here to view the class schedule.

How are you coping with the emotions triggered by this new way of life? I’d really like to hear from you.

As the clock ticked down on not only another year, but an entire decade, I wondered when and if inspiration to write would strike. Thankfully, my desire and tradition to chronicle yet another new year with a post both reflective and anticipatory brought me home to this blog and myself.

Where have I been all year?

Truth be told, I have been working a challenging job and sinking deeply in to an eating disorder. Yes, when the 365 pages of my 2019 flip book flash by, that is the majority of what I see. After an unexpected promotion thrust me in to a leadership position, it seemed that overnight I became a “career” woman; a “professional” whose job required the majority of my brain capacity and decision-making abilities. What little I had left went to a continued and deepening obsession around food and negative self-image. A destructive pattern of restricting and overeating emerged worse than ever before and quickly escalated out of control.

Professionally, I flourished. But mentally and emotionally, I withered under the increasing weight of fear and anxiety around food and my appearance. Professionally, I exuded confidence. But behind closed doors, a single surprise lunch could induce crippling panic and self-doubt. Ashamed of my body, I occasionally cancelled plans with friends or people who made me feel exceptionally self-conscious. I couldn’t understand why I was so respected at work because in my mind, I deserved no respect. How could I when I couldn’t manage to lose weight or resist my food cravings?

These words are devastating to write.

Eating Disorder Diagnosis

Managing my weight has been my number one priority as far back as I can remember. I had been addressing my weight, food and self-image issues for many years with my psychotherapist with some success. But finally, in November, she leaned forward and said, “I think it is time you sought more intense, specialized treatment for your disordered eating.”

Her words were a revelation. This was bigger than a desire to lose weight – more serious than yo-yo dieting – more dangerous than critical thoughts toward my body.

I desperately needed help.

I went to one of the leading institutes for eating disorder treatment for a long and emotionally painful assessment. In the end, they confirmed my “severe” eating disorder (ED) and recommended a minimum of six weeks in-patient residential treatment. Afterward, I drove home exhausted. My only thoughts revolved around what I would eat to comfort myself after such an ordeal.

I spoke with my husband and we both agreed in-patient treatment was completely unrealistic for multiple reasons. We’d explore outpatient and/or another counselor specialized in eating disorders. In the meantime, I turned to books in an attempt to understand how things had gotten so out of control and what I could do to help myself. I created a secret Instagram account and joined an ED recovery network and began documenting my recovery journey.

Eating Disorder Recovery

My wise Buddhist friend Paul once said to me regarding my weight loss efforts: “You’re banging against a door that opens toward you.” I finally understand that now. Over a decade of dieting has brought me nothing but weight gain and profound sorrow, frustration, and disappointment. I’ve lost cumulative years of my life to these efforts. I’ve missed out on so much. I’ve treated myself so harshly. I’ve sacrificed so much by tabling things for “after I lose weight.”

I’m done.

I am so done.

Through reading I have gained an understanding of how my ED emerged, which I may go in to in more detail in a future post. Essentially, I had systematically created it through years of repeated and prolonged restriction.

Being diagnosed with an eating disorder made me face the truth and shifted my perspective. It was the intervention I so desperately needed. I am incredibly grateful to not be starting a new year and decade unaware of this reality.

What Else I See in 2019

Although work and disordered eating are the majority of what I see as I look back on 2019, it’s not all I see. I also see my first trip to California where I saw (and swam in) the Pacific Ocean for the first time. I see the elephants at the San Diego Zoo. I see a weekend away at a women’s retreat in New York immersed in sisterhood. I see the bounty of my garden that provided me with great joy this past summer. I see a beautiful baby, my “niece” who was born to great friends in October. I see my husband’s professional successes, of which there were several. I see Cooper, my thirteen year old mutt who is blessedly still with us.

Looking Toward 2020

As I look forward to 2020, I feel lighter… hopeful. I am starting a new year differently than I have started any other in my adult memory – not on a diet. In fact, I forgot to weigh myself this morning. I also had a bagel sandwich for breakfast, something I would have never dared start my year with.

I still have a monkey on my back. I still want to lose weight. I have a lot of work to do to repair my relationship with my body. But I’ve stopped banging against a door that opens toward me.

I’m excited to see what my life will look like now that I have more mental space for other pursuits. I’m going to keep kicking ass at work, that’s for sure. I also have a lot of travel coming up (7 trips, in fact), including my first trip to Europe and my first visit to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

I’m excited to see what else is in store for me.

Thank you for reading. Happy New Year.

P.S. Weight loss has been one of the “themes” of this blog. I apologize for my participation in perpetuating diet culture. I’m not sure yet what I will do with all those posts I’ve written. But please know that going forward my weight loss journey will be focused on recovery and I will no longer be contributing to diet culture. 

Back in 2016, incredibly tired and frustrated from not knowing how to deal with toxic people, I wrote a post titled “11 Quotes to Remember When Faced with Toxic People.” Gathering those quotes was a desperate attempt to help myself stop taking things someone said and did so personally. The quotes helped me to remember that I was not the problem. They helped me to remember that I should have compassion for this person who was so obviously in tremendous emotional pain. Most of all, they helped me stop giving this person so much mental and emotional energy…

…sometimes. A little… maybe.

No quote in the world could help when this toxic person was in my face hurling insults while simultaneously making demands. During times like those the only words going through my mind were of the four letter variety.

I know many of you can relate, unfortunately. My post with all those lovely quotes recently recirculated around Pinterest and has since been shared over 38,000 times. Many of you subscribed to hear more from me. To you I say welcome and thank you!

Considering so many of you are clearly dealing with toxic people of your own (and looking for positive coping tools), I wondered if perhaps there was anything I could add that might help.

Let me first clarify that it should go without saying that the kind of toxic people I’m talking about here are the ones you’re sort of stuck with. If an acquaintance or boyfriend or friend or distant cousin is toxic then kick ’em to the curb. There’s zero reason to put up with that shit. The people I’m talking about are the ones our lives are entwined with — close family members, in-laws, etc. — the ones that never seeing again would require greater pain to a larger familial unit.

So anyway, it turns out I do have something to add on the subject of how to deal with toxic people. You see, my relationship with one of the toxic people in my life changed dramatically. Death does that.

Yes, she passed away.

We were on good terms when she died, thankfully. I had learned to better cope with her over the past couple years. If I have any regrets, it’s that I didn’t learn sooner how to set healthy boundaries and not give her so much space in my mind.

I don’t need to go gather quotes from other people this time to share advice on how to deal with toxic people. I know from my own personal experience.

How to Deal with Toxic People: 7 More Important Things to Remember

1. Remember the source

The people walking around battling with everyone closest to them are fighting a much bigger battle with themselves. Trust me, this is something I know A LOT about. People who aren’t happy with themselves can never be happy with you. And if you are happy, you better believe they will resent you even more for it. We are all mirrors for one another. We see in others what we hate in ourselves and we will do anything to make it about the other person. That’s projection, and it’s what we do to protect ourselves.

So remember, the source of someone’s anger is often themselves.

2. Work towards setting healthy boundaries

This, my friends, may take a while. If you slap down concrete boundaries you better believe the toxic people in your life are going to raise all hell and fire every weapon they have in their arsenal to break them down. I learned this the hard way. Please don’t make my mistake.

For example, you probably shouldn’t say, “You call too much. For now on I will call you once a week. Don’t call me.” I think it’s safe to say that’s not going to go over very well. (I never even tried something that brazen.)

The trick here, from my personal experience, is to slowly lay down boundaries. Start innocuously. For you that may be not answering the phone and not returning the call until tomorrow (gasp!). I cannot stress to you enough that this is PERFECTLY NORMAL BEHAVIOR. You do not need to sit and imagine every single nasty thing the caller is saying about you. You don’t need to wrestle with calling or not calling back and work yourself into such a state that you have a full blown anxiety attack. I’m going to tell you what I wish someone had told me: you can let it go to voicemail and not give it another second’s thought!

I spent the past several years laying down boundaries that I adjusted and reinforced gradually over time. For the most part, it worked. Life became more peaceful and the relationship less stressful. Sometimes I gave in to a false sense of security and lifted a boundary only to learn the hard way and need to lay it back down. Sometimes I just ignored the boundaries and allowed things because it felt like the right thing to do.

In my opinion, boundaries cannot be set in stone. Consistency is key, especially in the beginning when your boundaries are most likely to be challenged. But use your judgement and trust yourself and make adjustments, as necessary.

3. Send loving kindness

This is a tough, but incredibly powerful gift to give not only toxic people, but to everyone, including yourself. Loving kindness is (in summary) unconditional, inclusive love — it does not depend on whether one “deserves” it or not and it is not restricted to friends and family. Most importantly, there are no expectations of anything in return.

There are several variations of loving kindness or “metta” meditation (Google it for variations). Following is the version I use. You can insert any person’s name, “I,” “my friends,” “my family,” “all living beings,” etc.

May ______ be well, happy and peaceful.
May no harm come to them.
May no difficulties come to them.
May no problems come to them.
May they always meet with success.
May they also have patience, courage, understanding, and determination to meet and overcome inevitable difficulties, problems, and failures in life.

It is a beautiful and compassionate practice.

4. Have compassion

I can honestly tell you that sitting here today I understand why the person who caused so much anguish was the way she was. I also understand why her love was so conditional. I understand a great deal of why she felt the way she did, thought the way she did, and behaved the way she did. And this is why I carry no anger or resentment.

Not everyone will have the opportunity to go behind the curtain and discover the backstory. But let me tell you, we ALL have an origins story. People who cause pain are in pain. And if you can remember that, then there is room for compassion.

5. Don’t place blame on innocent people

If the person driving you nuts is your brother’s wife, don’t blame your brother for bringing her into your lives. I know you want to direct your anger somewhere. You want to tell him what to do to keep that bitch in line. You want him to defend you against her. But please, try not to place blame. Again, I speak from experience as the blame-placer.

I’m willing to bet your brother already feels awful about the whole situation. Don’t add to that by making him feel guilty and putting him between a rock and a hard place. It’s a shitty situation for everyone.

You’re much better off doing these other things instead (and supporting your brother who probably really needs you right now.)

6. Remember that you are NOT powerless

It is extremely important that I tell you that there are times when there is more power in doing nothing than something.

I can still feel the physical sensation of the frustration and rage I experienced when I felt silenced and powerless to defend myself against toxic people. I wanted to scream and argue, anything to get my point across! And I see now that was what frustrated me most — that I couldn’t get my point across. I was dealing with someone who said whatever she wanted then hung up or threw you out of her house before you could get one word in. (And in case you’re thinking it, of course I tried emails!)

But let me ask you. Have any of you ever successfully gotten your point across to this kind of toxic person?

Of course not! Because if they listened they wouldn’t be a toxic person! And this is what I wish I had learned a long time ago. I wasn’t powerless in those situations. I confused not being able to speak with being powerless. I wouldn’t have been heard either way.

And eventually I learned to be quiet because being quiet was disarming. And in disarming I found that I was more powerful and avoided unnecessary anguish.

7. Forgive

Even if you remember all of these things, you will sometimes find yourself feeling hurt and angry at the hands (and tongues) of toxic people. You may also find yourself feeling angry with yourself for not handling things better. And at times like that, I hope you will remember to practice forgiveness.

Rather than try to articulate my thoughts on this subject, I will leave you with this Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness.

If I have harmed any one in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them.

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that.

For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge, or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.

Thank you for reading.

I have journaled every single day for the past two years. I’ve written a little bit about my day, including my happiest moment and what made me feel grateful, for the past 730 days. I had wanted one journal to track all of these things. I also wanted to be able to easily reflect on entries from the year before. Unable to find such a journal, I created and published Questions for Life back in 2016. I also added a daily self-discovery question to inspire reflection and personal growth. I love this journal and how easy it is to commit to using since each entry only takes a few minutes. After 730 daily entries, some things have become abundantly clear. Here’s my lessons learned from two years of daily journaling:

1. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for.

Every day is not amazing. Some days simply just “are.” And some days seem full of disappointment, sorrow, or pain. But regardless, there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for because at the very least we have access to food and water and shelter. We can be grateful our loved ones are safe, even when we’re feeling unsafe. And if the day truly seems awful, we can be grateful that no day goes on forever.

The more I wrote down what made me feel grateful, the more I realized just how very much I have to be grateful for.

2. Life is fuller when you appreciate (and look back on) the mundane, rather than just the highlight reel.

People typically have a bad habit of only focusing on the highlights (and lowlights) of their lives. The majority of our days are fairly mundane, however, and it’s up to us to recognize the good stuff. My journal is full of happiest moments comprised of lunchtime walks with my best friend Kathy, enjoying delicious meals, laughing with my gaming friends on Tuesday nights, reading under a blanket on cold Sunday mornings, cuddling with our beloved dog Cooper, date nights with my husband Mike, the satisfaction of productive days, playing in the snow with the neighborhood children, even simply sitting down on the couch on a Friday night after a long week just as a favorite movie is starting on television.

These things may not be worth writing home about, but they were worth noting as my happiest moments, and increase my quality of life. During my second year of journaling I really enjoyed reading what I had written the year before and reliving those happy moments.

3. You may not feel “happiness” every single day, but at the very least you will have reason to smile, laugh, or experience a positive emotion.

Did you ever see the Pixar movie Inside Out? Joy didn’t want any of Riley’s days to be tainted by sadness. In the end, it became clear that happiness and sadness sometimes swirl together, and it’s a beautiful thing. No one day is 100% happy or 100% sad.

For example, I am saddened to share that my mother-in-law, Rose passed away on Thanksgiving. Mike and I were across the country in Washington state. We were shocked and devastated and felt so terribly far from home and Mike’s father and brother. But we were in Washington with my brother and sister-in-law and it was Thanksgiving. And so we celebrated Thanksgiving while we mourned. And that night my brother had friends over for dessert and games and we laughed… a lot.

There have also been bad days when I didn’t get to be with family and play games, but I was able to identify a positive moment, even if it was the relief and comfort of curling up with Cooper under a thick blanket at the end of the day.

2018 Summary

2018 was a tough year full of trials, depression and an intentional writing hiatus that both helped and hurt. Cooper was diagnosed with renal cancer and we had to have one of his kidneys removed. I landed in a hospital this past September with the worst pain imaginable. It was a kidney stone stuck in my ureter. It took nearly 10 hours from when I initially felt the excruciating pain in my back until it finally subsided. Following my hospital stay, I had complications with fluid retention and was put through a myriad of testing. Mike’s mom was sick with Leukemia. We cancelled our trip to Hawaii (we would have left for Oahu today) that I planned last January. There are other things I could mention, but I don’t feel the need. I managed to find a happy or positive moment in all of it, and of course things to be grateful for.

Despite all the trials, there were good days. A trip to a water park, a quick family vacation with Cooper after he recovered, a wonderful joint surprise birthday for my mother-in-law and her brother less than a month before she died…

I take the good with the bad and I’m grateful for all of it and my ability to find the positive in every single day.

Looking Ahead to 2019

Everything that’s happened has brought me to this moment. I’ve been working on this post for two weeks now, but I’m just happy to be writing again. There will hopefully be more of that in 2019, especially since it’s been made clear to me that I’m not done writing, after all. I’ll be playing #minsgame again in January and have already prepped my home office for a new desk coming today. I’m nesting and preparing for a fresh start, and that includes goal and intention setting (of course.)

I have always believed that many things happen for a valid reason and at the right time. The past few months has reiterated that time and time again. Without going into detail, I will say that there has been a lot of synchronicity in my life leading up to the end of 2018, which has put things in motion for an exciting start to 2019.

I wish you all a Happy New Year and a 2019 full of gratitude and happy moments! Thank you for reading.

Looking to increase your quality of life in 2019? May I suggest a daily journaling practice with Questions For Life? It is available on Amazon.

Summer’s over — time to get back to work. I didn’t mean to take the summer off from writing. I wish I could tell you I’ve been doing something glamorous like traveling or focusing solely on my novel or better yet, circumnavigating the globe on a sailboat while writing my novel! But mostly I’ve just been working, sweating, watching television, feeling badly about myself, and fighting depression… ya know, the normal fun stuff!

My break from writing started out well-intentioned enough. Back in June when all the schools were letting out I found myself reminiscing about the freedom and bliss of summers off with no responsibilities. I craved fewer obligations. At the time, that’s all writing had become to me. It was no longer something I felt compelled to do, or even wanted to do. It had become a chore and I was burnt out.

After some soul searching, I decided to give myself a break from writing to free myself from that sense of obligation that had been burdening me. It wasn’t an easy decision. But I’m glad I made it. At least not writing was on my account and not on account of the disappointing summer that ensued.

I’m not going to go into all the reasons why this summer wasn’t so great (it’s been one thing after another), but I will say depression and general anhedonia has been a contributing factor (hence the copious television watching). I know Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is caused by a lack of sunlight and affects people during the dark winter, but I think I suffer from another SAD – Summer Affective Disorder. Maybe it has something to do with the oppressive heat… or perhaps my body insecurities exacerbated by how horrendous I look in tank tops and swimsuits… who knows. But despite the continued suffocating heat, the calendar has turned, summer is unofficially over, and I already feel better.

Break time is over. And I have a lot of work to do… so stay tuned!

A note to all my new subscribers: Thank you for following my journey! Before this summer I posted regularly and I fully intend to return to a bi-weekly schedule. So stay tuned for more on minimalism, weight loss, and my journey to a simpler, happier, and healthier life!

As my 36th birthday approaches, I’ve been thinking about the year behind me as part of my traditional birthday reflection. Ageing is not synonymous with growing in my book, and I feel a responsibility to monitor my growth with pencil marks in a proverbial door frame. As I have said many times here, I refuse to live the same year over and over again and call it my life. Unfortunately, this year there has been some debate regarding whether I’ve grown enough.

But I can’t reflect without first acknowledging where I was this time last year.

This Time Last Year

As many of you know, last May I was the thinnest I had been since 2013. As thrilled as I was and as healthy as I thought I was, I now know that I was just a thinner, less healthy version of myself. My life revolved around food, diet and my weight while I obsessively tried to meet my birthday weight goal, which was part of a larger 40 lb. goal. I made that goal. But as many of you know, come July, I began gaining back every single one of those forty pounds over the following six months.

So here I am in May, 2018, nearly thirty pounds heavier than I was on my 35th birthday. I am fully aware of how this happened and why. But that doesn’t make it suck any less.

Argument for Stagnancy

This past weekend I found myself in a dark place uninspired, unmotivated and experiencing an alarming sense of hopelessness. I felt utterly defeated. After all my hard work, I was back where I started. Another year had passed and I hadn’t achieved the things I set out to achieve. I felt as if I spent my 35th year on a treadmill moving, but going nowhere.

Argument for Growth

Despite some setbacks, there is evidence of my forward movement and growth this past year.

My career took a huge leap forward

This past year I realized that in order to continue to advance my well-being, I needed to move on and advance in my career. After seven years with my previous employer (and a combined 13 in non-profit), I committed myself to finding a new position in a new company. It wasn’t easy! The waiting and uncertainty was torturous. But I put myself out there and expanded my search beyond non-profit, which was intimidating. Eventually, I landed a position where I get to utilize my skills, learn, and do work that I enjoy! I remain grateful every single day for my new job, my employer, the ways I’m being challenged, and my courage to forego the familiar and go in search of greener pastures.

We made a commitment to significantly reduce our debt

Thanks to an increased salary and the help of Dave Ramsey, Mike and I started the year committed to a monthly budget and paying down debt. This is significant because it falls directly in line with my goal to live a better and simpler life. The freedom of a debt-free life no longer feels so out of reach.

Our kitchen renovation is nearly complete

I never liked my kitchen. But it turns out that kitchen renovations are EXPENSIVE! So Mike and I have been diy-ing our kitchen for years, little by little, one piece at a time, saving for the big stuff like windows, flooring and countertops. Well FINALLY, our new countertops were installed this past month. For the first time since we bought our house in 2011, I like my kitchen. Yes, of course I’m grateful I at least have a kitchen — that goes without saying. But now it’s a room I actually enjoy being and cooking in.

All that’s left is the back splash and some minor touching up here and there and we’re done! This has been a project four plus years in the making, which is why it’s so significant.

Counter Argument for Stagnancy

Three things? That’s it!?

Okay I’ll admit I grew a little. But I could have done more had I spent less time scrolling on my phone, napping, and watching Netflix. I could have done more if I was more talented, disciplined and driven. I guess I don’t want to achieve my goals as much as I want to watch television and stare at my phone.

Counter Argument for Growth

First of all, my job search was intensely stressful and consumed the greater part of five months, not including the acclimation period. It required a great deal of energy above and beyond my other many “extracurricular” obligations and involvements that I manage and maintain throughout the year.

Yes, I concede to the point I could have spent less time on my phone, something I fully intend to limit this year. However, honoring the need to rest, seeking down time, and knowing my own limits clearly demonstrates growth in and of itself. Not once since achieving June’s weight loss goal have I experienced the debilitating pain of interstitial cystitis or felt ill as a result of stress.

All evidence points to positive steps taken toward living a less stressful, more peaceful, and simpler life. And besides, it doesn’t matter how fast I go, as long as I GO.

((mic drop))

Final Verdict

Fortunately I’ve learned that thoughts, as convincing as they may seem, can be cunning little liar tricksters. The above is a kinder, very much abbreviated version of the arguments that have been running through my head the past week. Thankfully, I was able to use my tools to quiet the negative voice that tried so hard to convince me I failed.

I learned and achieved a lot this past year. And as for the areas where I’ve fallen short… I’m still figuring those out. I feel good about turning 36 tomorrow. I’m excited for the year ahead and the opportunity to learn, achieve, experience and GROW even more.

Adjustments and fine tuning are required when working to establish lasting habits. Continuing to do the same things that don’t work while expecting different results truly is a waste of time and effort. Believe me, I’ve done the legwork. At the same time, even if certain routines or tools work well, chances are they won’t forever without some occasional tweaking, even if just to keep things interesting and prevent boredom. After all, we are resilient creatures capable of adaptation, but also of stagnancy. After a great deal of trial and error I’ve found that I am able to establish lasting habits by thinking small.

Eliminate the BUT

When it comes to creating habits that ultimately help me accomplish my goals, I go through a lot of trial and error until I discover what works for me. Some things work well, BUT only temporarily. Some work well, BUT are too dependent on other factors that rarely align. Some I think work well, BUT ultimately hurt my well-being. I wanted to find a habit that worked well with no BUT after it.

I am happy to say I have found the solution! The secret lay in establishing “small” daily goals based on the theory that a little is better than nothing, and can add up to a lot! 

Take exercise, for example. Many of us have made lofty goals like:

1. I am going to walk 5 miles every day
2. I will go to the gym every weekday morning at 5 am

The problem with these daily habits, as good as our intentions may be, is that they are too big and not nearly flexible enough to adapt to the curve-balls life inevitably throws at us. It’s not easy to walk five miles when it’s pouring rain and you have no gym membership. Not so easy to go to the gym at 5 am when you were up late with a sick child. Shoot, it’s not easy getting up at 5 to go to the gym even on the best of days.

So we fail. And then oftentimes we end up doing nothing for lengthy periods of time because we got caught up in the all-or-nothing mindset trap.

But I have cracked the code! And believe me when I say I have tried it all.

I have exercised nearly every single day for the past two months thanks to thinking small and making this my goal: EXERCISE AT LEAST 20 MINUTES EVERY DAY. 

It doesn’t matter when. It doesn’t matter how. All that matters is that my body is in motion for twenty minutes. This is REALISTIC. Even when I’m short on time, I can fit in at least 20 minutes. Even when I don’t want to, I know I can do it for at least 20 minutes. I found success in creating a daily goal with no room for a BUT. And the beautiful thing is that I often work out for longer than twenty minutes. But even when I don’t, at least I did something. And SOMETHING is always better than NOTHING.

Establish lasting habits by thinking small

So if you’re holding out for a perfect routine or think you can’t work out if you miss yoga class or the gym is closed, then I urge you to rethink how you’re setting your goal. Establish lasting habits by thinking small and see big change.

This applies to most everything!

Despite my success with regular exercise, I failed horribly at my March writing goal to draft three more chapters of my work-in-progress. When I sat down to write my April writing goal, I considered how I could apply the same philosophy and think smaller to establish a lasting writing habit. Twenty minutes felt far too long at the time. Keep in mind I didn’t write one.single.word. in March due to a block. I needed something not based on duration, but on a not-scary daily quota.

Finally, I settled on a daily goal of writing one paragraph. In doing so I eliminated room for a BUT when it came to making excuses not to write. There’s no reason why I can’t manage to write one paragraph even if it means tapping it on my phone on the train (which I have not yet needed to do.)

When I don’t want to write and it seems too difficult and scary, I take comfort in only having to write one paragraph. Guess what? Once I start, I often don’t stop at one paragraph! But knowing I can if I want to gets me started. And if you’re thinking, “why bother?” Well, at the very least I’ll finish April with 30 paragraphs. It sure beats March’s total of zero.

Apply it to anything

Exercise and writing not your thing? Establish lasting habits by thinking small in order to clean out your closets (or tackle virtually any project); drink more water; achieve a daily meditation practice… anything! Tell me what lasting habit you want to establish and I am sure we can find a way to start small in order to create it. Like a picky eater staring down a plate of vegetables, things aren’t so daunting when you know you only have to swallow one piece. By thinking small I’ve managed to eliminate dread and stop the brain from going into excuse-making overdrive.

And guess what? Once you establish these daily habits, over time they will become so incorporated into your daily regimen that you will no longer even need to think of them! Once that happens, you can consider expanding on them. For now, remember to think small.

Having trouble thinking small? Tell me your habit and I’ll help you come up with a small daily habit to achieve it.