Sitting playfully in six inches of saltwater, a beer in one hand and a book in the other, I turned my face up to the sun, smiled and thought to myself, life is good. It was an incredible day and I was at peace.

Taking a little break from paddleboarding, not a care in the world.

That was Friday.

But Saturday found me not once, but twice, sitting in my parked car in locations nearly 70 miles apart, sobbing. There was no peace.

How quickly things change.

A year ago I’d most likely have claimed the upsetting events of Saturday ruined my entire weekend, discrediting the joy and peace of Friday and casting a shadow over Sunday. But now I know better. Nothing can touch my Friday; it can never be altered. My days have explicit boundaries now.

As for Saturday, it was all my fault. I’m not going to go into what happened here. There were so many contributing factors, but in the end, the bottom line is that I did not mentally prepare and I went into the day with expectations. I was not compassionate, or forgiving, or patient, or the person I want to be. No matter what happened, I had the power to not let it affect me so greatly, regardless of how much I was weakened by other external circumstances. That is where I failed. The person I am trying to be/want to be and the person I was/am collided in a battle royale as my thoughts duked it out. My more practiced, more powerful, defensive angry self ate my weaker, gentler self for breakfast. Part of the later upset stemmed from fear. I hadn’t felt this angry and hopeless in a long time – the darkness inside me was menacing. As my thoughts darkened, my emotions strengthened, racking my body with turbulence.

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” -Elizabeth Gilbert

Finally, the exhaustion of my eyelids from a day’s worth of squeezing tears down my cheeks got the best of me and I fell asleep, putting the day forever behind me. But not before I apologized.

Sunday the battle between old and new, negative and positive waged on with early points going to Gentle Jessica for rising early and sitting in her favorite chair with a book, and even making a healthy breakfast. Dejected Jessica made frequent appearances on the couch, mindlessly channel surfing, daydreaming of potato chips, and shedding the occasional tear.

I’d force myself up, accomplish a relatively small task, and find myself back on the couch. I used my judgement and had a guilt-free, albeit large lunch. Back to the couch. I forced myself to pull some weeds, clean out my car. Couch.

Finally, mid-afternoon in a herculean showing, I decided a hard workout at the gym was exactly what I needed. Furthermore, it would force me to shower. And if I was showered, why not go to weekly meditation group? If I was driving past Whole Foods on the way home, why not stop for some fresh produce to ensure a healthy start to the week? There was no reason why not, so I did all those things, proving to myself that I can move on; I CAN do what’s best for me.

Saturday may have gone to Dejected Jessica, but I took home the win on Sunday. Friday’s showing of bravery and athletic ability in the water, friendship, relaxation, laughter, and peace received a million points, breaking the tie.

Not every day will be good. What matters is that we value the good days and hold them in our hearts, and bounce back from the bad ones having learned a new lesson (or several). As for me, I learned that I can accept full responsibility for my actions and stop blaming others. Also, that I have the power to break the destructive cycle of giving in to misery and take steps to do what is best for me. I wouldn’t know these two things right now if I wasn’t given the opportunity to discover them.

This image has been taped to the wall above my desk for over a year. These words have brought me comfort; easing me away from anxiety. I have kept faith in the belief that things happen when they are meant to, even when I was feeling stuck, and afraid of what becoming unstuck would mean. Sometimes that belief was desperate – I needed it to be true; needed to believe the Universe would intervene – even though I simultaneously feared how it would happen.

I believe those words more now than ever. The Universe has been working its magic in my life, speaking louder and louder until finally something that needed to happen, happened, and I knew in my heart it was the right time and the right way.

This personal thing that happened came yesterday, on the eve of the new moon, which some believe is a magical time of beginnings. The time felt right to practice new moon intention setting, something I first learned about practicing yoga. In some ways this is no different than choosing to make a change on the first of the month – it is a logical and deliberate place to begin. But by setting intentions and conducting some sort of ritual, be it simple or complex, with the start of the new moon, you can add a little bit of magic to the experience. Hopefully, you will see your intentions come to life and take shape in sync with the moon, culminating with its fullness when you can assess your intentions.

Last night I wrote down my intentions for this new moon, my moon, since I am a Gemini. I have these to focus on and devote my energy to during this moon cycle. Although this may sound new-age or a little too “mystic” for your taste, this is a next step for me on my journey, something I am willing to try to keep me focused. Marianne Williamson explains it best in A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever when she says:

“Spiritual growth is a fascinating process when you allow it to be. It is an inner journey from one insight to another, in which helpful realizations fall into place as you are ready to receive them.”

The timing feels right to set these intentions and face things I have been afraid to face, in an effort to release myself from them, and move forward.

If you are feeling stuck, I ask that you put faith in time or at least believe that what needs to happen will eventually happen. It may be cliche, but sayings only become cliche because they are said so often, meaning many people believe in the words:

Everything happens for a reason.

I do not claim to know the reasons. But I do trust the process… and the timing.

They say you should do one thing everyday that scares you. Fears have the power to constrain exploration and development and therefore keep us from living a full life. If we face our fears, we might learn things aren’t as scary as we thought. But facing something you’re afraid of takes a lot of energy and courage. It often feels unnecessary, so we go on avoiding that which terrifies us because there is something even more worrisome on the other side… not knowing what will happen. I think for many of us, that’s the greater terror.

Some fears are unjustified or irrational. I don’t know why the sight of a spider, even a tiny one, causes me to sharply inhale, freeze, turn pale and perspire. I think it’s the legs. Even the sight of a web is enough to make me abandon a cleaning or gardening project, or pull my car over and search, terrified for the bugger in order to avoid a car accident when it inevitably drops down before my eyes. On the rare occasion I’ve had no choice but to gather the nerve to kill a spider, I cannot kill it enough. It is a hysterical shoe slamming desperation that requires adequate emotional recovery time.

So how did I find myself in line amongst grade school children waiting my turn to hold Rosie, the Butterfly Pavilion‘s resident tarantula? I think it was a combination of two things: I was on vacation and believe you try new things on vacation, and I figured if the kids could do it, so could I. So I handed my brother, Joey my camera and we got in line. Few times in my life I can recall being so simultaneously horrified and excited.

I sat across from Rosie’s handler barely breathing. I couldn’t take my eyes off the enormous and hairy specimen in his lap.

“Whatever you do, do not throw her,” he said as he gently scooped her up with one hand.

I nodded. He took my hand with his free one and held it firmly above his own. As he was about to place Rosie into my sweaty palm, I shrieked and ripped my hand away.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I took a breath, wiped my palm on my jeans and tried again.  The man was patient.

“Okay, ready?”

I nodded.

Again, I ripped my hand away at the last second. “I can’t,” I said, the heat of panic, tears and defeat rising in my face, and motioned to get up.

“How about I let one of her legs touch you first?” the handler offered.

I looked at my brother, standing nearby, smiling with the camera. I reluctantly nodded.

It took every ounce of resolution to not pull my hand away as Rosie’s front leg lifted toward my fist. I expected it to scratch, and have weight to it, but what I felt instead was soft and light as a feather.

“Okay, I’m ready now.”

Again the handler took my hand palm up and kept his own firmly beneath mine. I tensed as he placed Rosie in my hand. I was amazed by how light she was. I stared at this giant spider, the size of my palm, speechless. Poor Rosie, such a sweet name for such an ugly and terrifying creature.

After what felt like minutes, but was probably less than one, the handler said, “I’m going to have her walk onto my hand now.” He touched her backside and she walked across my hand onto his. The sight of this was worse than the sensation.

Once Rosie was safely with her handler, I exhaled and smiled victoriously. I was given a sticker proclaiming ‘I held Rosie’ and proudly stuck it to my chest.

“Did you see that!?” I asked Joey, as if he was not less than three feet away the whole time. “I held a tarantula! I can do anything now!”

“I was scared you were going to crush that thing,” he answered.

Rosie taught me a lot about fear and the perception of things. I thought she would be heavy, scratchy, and run up my arm, leap onto my face, stare into my horrified eyes and sink her monstrous fangs into my nose. But instead she was almost sweet. The people at the Butterfly Pavilion understood perception when they named her Rosie instead of something evil like Ursula or Cruella.

Ever since I held Rosie I have weeded without gloves, pushed aside webs with my bare hands and even let spiders live! Little did I know I cured my arachnophobia with systematic desensitization, otherwise known as exposure therapy.

I am left wondering what else I’m afraid of. What else is holding me back from living a full life? Is it fear of the thing itself or my perception of the thing? I believe it is the perception, but even greater is the unknown of not knowing what will happen…

I will never forget Rosie. She represents the epitome of fear. I had no idea what would happen. My imagination told me I’d be bitten. Logic told me the establishment wouldn’t allow children to hold a giant spider if it was dangerous. Reality showed me I am brave. I survived, unscathed and better off in the end. What actually happened in the end was more wonderful than any scenario my mind had conjured up when I was staring into the many black eyes of fear.

Maybe not knowing what will happen is all the more reason we need to find out…

Me, horrified. Rosie, chillin.

Large or small, a victory is still a win, and winning is a wonderful thing. It’s nearly impossible for a win not to bring a smile to your lips and reinforce some sort of positive behavior like dedication, willpower, or practice. Be it your first home run, handstand, or eating your salad in the breakroom without indulging in the communal Doritos inches in front of you, these are victories. Victories that took effort on your part; victories that lead to something bigger.

A lot of people overlook small victories or play them down. That’s really unfortunate because they aren’t giving themselves enough credit. For example, I quit smoking on January 1, 2015. Every single day that my head hit the pillow without my having a cigarette was a victory that made me smile. I didn’t say, “It’s only been three days so far – no big deal.” I said, “I haven’t smoked in three days – can you believe it!?” and then did a little jig. All those days of small victories have added up and now I am still cigarette-free in April – a major victory. No matter what happens, as long as I keep this up, I can’t ever say I am a failure or that I achieved nothing this year. That alone is worth its weight in gold.

There is no reason to downplay small victories, because they really do add up. Some people want everything immediately and go so hard so fast. This is how people get hurt or why they quit – impatience or failure. Change doesn’t happen overnight. It takes 64 days to create a habit so whatever you want to do, be it running, quitting smoking, writing a novel, or changing your diet, it has to be sustainable for at least 64 days. It’s not uncommon for a writer who hasn’t written in a while to suddenly declare they are going to write 750 words a day for a month. Once they fall a few days behind, they’re faced with needing to write thousands of words to catch up. It’s overwhelming, and so they give up.

Anything worth working toward will most likely happen incrementally. When I started yoga I never thought I’d be able to close the gap between my face and leg in a seated forward bend. A few months ago I touched my nose to my left knee for a second. Now, I can bring my cheek to my knee and let it rest there. Soon, I hope to bring my forehead to the floor beside my knee.

I probably wouldn’t even still be practicing yoga if I had forced my nose to my knee in the beginning because I’d be injured, or I would have been overwhelmed by the work ahead of me and how long it would take and I’d have quit. Here I’d sit, wishing I could bring my nose to my knee, having given up on another dream. Time is going to pass regardless…

It took me a very long time to get my bachelor’s degree. When I finally enrolled at Saint Joseph’s University and decided to wrap this up once and for all, I calculated that I’d obtain my degree at age 31. That seemed such a long ways away. Then I remembered that I was going to turn 31 anyway, so it may as well be with a degree. And seven days before my 32nd birthday I graduated. From start to finish, the goal took 13 years to achieve. Every enrollment, every course, was a small victory that contributed to something grand.

So relish in your small victories. Every unsmoked cigarette, every passed up potato chip, every baseball or yoga practice, and every writing session is a victory. Pat yourself on the back, do a little jig, and smile at your accomplishment, for you are VICTORIOUS.

I always wanted to be a surfer. I was obsessed with surfing when I was younger, but I was 17 the last time I tried it. For 15 years I daydreamed about surfing again – rubbing my hand along the rails of boards in surf shops, sitting on surfing only beaches longing to be out in the line-up. Finally, at age 32, I had enough of the daydreaming and went surfing again.

I always wanted to be a real swimmer. I love to swim but didn’t feel comfortable getting into a pool and swimming laps due to my lack of proper form. Over the years, I checked out pools to join and never did. I’d gaze at the crystal clear water, longing to feel fluid as I skirted along the bottom. Finally, after the 2012 Summer Olympics, I had enough of the longing and signed up for private adult swim lessons at my gym to give me the boost of confidence I needed.

I always wanted to go kayaking. I had no kayak and no one to go with, so I sought both out. My very first kayaking trip many years ago was with a total stranger through the Pine Barrens of New Jersey and I loved it.

I always wanted to be a professional writer, so I joined a writing group and surrounded myself with writers, taking advantage of the wealth of knowledge provided. Not only have I met amazing people, but I have become a better writer, and had the pleasure of co-editing “Reading Glasses“, a collection of short stories, one of them my own. I am closer to my dream than ever before.

I always wanted to make sugar cookies, a seemingly small dream, I know, but still a dream. Every year I would research recipes, print them out and never make them. I think I was intimidated, but every year there was that nagging urge to make sugar cookies. Finally, I made them this past December. And they were wonderful.

What have you always wanted to do? Think about it for a moment.

I try to catch myself whenever I exclaim “I always wanted to do that!” and assess if it’s something I can go ahead and do.

I read an article recently where the author suggested bucket lists add pressure to our lives and increased sadness and regret. I disagree. I think it is important to be mindful of things we long to do or see, or places we long to go because when suffering the daily grind, it is easy to forget our dreams. A life without dreams is a life without goals, and that life seems very sad to me, indeed.

Many dreams, like making sugar cookies, only require a few dollars, a dedicated few hours of time, and some optimism. Is it possible that you, too have been delaying a very achievable dream from coming true?

As for the surfing, kayaking, and South Jersey Writers’ Group (SJWG), I had the help of Meetup. If you’re not familiar, Meetup is a website consisting of “meetups” for almost anything you can imagine all created by people like you and me who wanted to do something and wanted a group to do it with. When I went surfing last summer, I met up with two very nice strangers, one of whom had arranged rentals and a lesson. All I had to do was show up. The same with the kayaking. The organizer lent me the use of a spare kayak and instructed me. Meetup is also where I found the SJWG and I cannot imagine my life without this amazing network of people.

If not having someone to do something with has been holding you back, then you no longer have an excuse. If by some chance there isn’t a meetup for what you want to do, then start one. I am certain there is someone out there who wants to do what you do. If money has been holding you back, then save.

Last summer, going surfing, I was literally living one of my dreams. Writing this blog and having so many wonderful readers, I am living one of my dreams. Next weekend I will make sugar cookies again and I will be living one of my dreams. Every time I drop into the pool, peel my swim cap over my head, adjust my goggles and push off the wall, I am living a dream.

What dream will you decide to realize today?

Life is a lot like yoga; one long pose. In yoga, it is very important to check in with yourself. Are you aligned properly? Are you breathing? Can you reach a little further, or should you pull back? Is your forehead furrowed? Are you smiling?

Nearly 20% into 2015, I think it is a good time to check in and make adjustments. There is still so much time for corrections to be made. And on the other hand, enough time has passed that maybe you need to take a moment to smile at your accomplishments.

Going back to my New Year post, the following were my goals for 2015:

I am going to continue on this journey, learning and growing, wherever it takes me. This includes practicing compassion, bravery, opening my heart, letting go, living in the moment, and ultimately working toward being a gentler, happier and more peaceful woman.

I live and breathe this goal. If I had a personal mission statement, this would be it. It is also almost impossible to gauge in terms of failure and successes. I can only say with 100% truth that I am learning, in every way imaginable. After cracking the nut on my suffering, I often feel fragile. I am seeing more, feeling more, contemplating more. I have literally opened myself up to this. Gone are the days of denial and ignorance and blind acceptance. Some days I feel really sad; understanding can be heart-breaking. But I rather feel this, and everything else I am feeling, than go back to how I felt last year.

Every night I am going to write down my single happiest moment of the day and drop it into my Happiness Jar in order to practice living in the moment, self-awareness, and also so that I do not forget these amazing moments.

Although there were days that I needed to get caught up, I am happy to report that my happiest moment of every day so far in 2015 is on a folded up piece of paper in my happiness jar. It is comforting. It helps me practice living more consciously, and to be more appreciative of my daily gifts. There have been a few days, like yesterday unfortunately, where I felt certain that I experienced not one happy moment. From start to finish it was just one of those days filled with struggle and heartache. But I got through it. Simply reminding myself that my success rate for getting through terrible, no good, very bad days is still 100% helped. That thought brought me a little bit of peace and made its way onto a scrap of paper. I also have Cooper’s enthusiastic greeting to fall back on, something that always warms my heart. The happiness jar was a wonderful decision.

I am going to practice yoga and meditation more consistently.

I have certainly practiced more this year than last. Certainly room for more practice, though. I do love it very much. The positive effects of both are instantaneous.

I am going to lose weight! The goal is 56 pounds. I am also going to STOP counting calories. I have been doing it for five years and have gained weight. It clearly is no longer working. Time to let go of the wall, trust my knowledge, and stop obsessing over food.

I have lost 8 pounds so far this year. Is that where I wanted to be by now? No, not at all.

It has been one of the coldest February’s in New Jersey on record, making getting out of bed at 5:00 am for the gym more difficult than usual. I was also sick for a third of the month. Are these excuses? Yes, absolutely. The word “excuse” in this context has a very negative connotation. I hate excuses. I’m sort of a no-excuse, no nonsense kind of woman. It doesn’t mean though that there isn’t some validity in my excuses. I am practicing being more loving and gentle to not only others, but myself. That being said, yes, it was cold, and yes, I was sick, but I could have done better. And although I could have done better, I am still proud of myself for losing 8 pounds, because that should not be diminished. So I will use “excuse” in its other context too and say: I acknowledge that I did the best I could and excuse myself for not having achieved more weight loss so far this year. I will try harder the remaining months of the year.

I am going to quit smoking cigarettes once and for all! This habit is not in line whatsoever with the person I want to be.

On 12/31/14, I was a smoker. It was also the last day I was a smoker. I haven’t touched a cigarette in any way, shape, or form since 2014, and even if this turns out to be my only achievement this year, I could live with that because this is an enormous, life-changing victory. I never loved myself much, and that makes me sad. But quitting smoking has been an act of pure love; it has nothing to do with anyone, but me, and what I decided to do for me. I like the way it feels and I know my future me’s eyes are watering with pride and gratitude looking at present me.

I love you, too, future me.

Submit three stories, essays, etc. to professional publications.

Wrapping up a freelance editing job, then working on my first article.

Tighten/re-evaluate my finances and spending – live more frugally.

This was my goal, and quite fortuitously, the Minimalism Game just reinforced it and took it a step further. I played all of January and February and tossed/recycled/donated/sold a grand total of 902 items! You can read more about my experience here.

Minimalism and frugality go hand in hand and tossing so many items helped me become much more choosy about what I spend my money on and bring into my house. I am doing very well living within my means, thank you very much.

This is where I’m at and I’m good with it. I feel no need to remove a goal or add another one at this time. Life has recently thrown me a few more challenges and I need to listen to my body. Yin Yoga has taught me a lot about extending just enough. In yin yoga, you hold poses for five minutes, with the goal being to deepen into each posture over time. Start out too strong and you will experience pain and need to ease off. You want to ease into the posture, opening your joints slowly, only taking on more when you’re ready.

If you feel ready to deepen into the posture known as life, please know that you don’t have to wait for a new year, a new month, new week or even a new day to make goals or self-correct. You can quit smoking right this moment, you can start a happiness jar today, you can [insert any of 10 million possible goals here].

Whatever your goals may be, just remember to check in with yourself, and to make adjustments where necessary.

I thrive when I accomplish lots of little things every day and pro-actively work toward my goals. I am at my best when I am exercising regularly, eating right, organized and prepared, and my house is neat. I feel good physically and mentally; my days are full, long and productive. I could remove trash from all the oceans with a pool skimmer, given the time and resources.

I had been on a fairly consistent roll for 2015, until I hit my first heavy hurdle that appeared in the form of a nine day sickness. I fought valiantly, but was defeated, and left laid out exhausted with sinus pain that made the simple act of seeing difficult.

In the big scheme of things, this is a small hurdle, I know. Hurdles come in all shapes, sizes and durations, but they are all setbacks and have the potential to cause us to slow down, back up, trip, or severely fall. Getting up again after a hurdle can be really challenging because while you’re holding your skinned knee, eyes clenched, whistling through your teeth in pain, a mountain grows in front of you. All the tasks, e-mails, looming deadlines, laundry, mess, missed workouts and unhealthy convenience foods create a ball that rolls through the days you’re sitting on the bench. It grows bigger, attracting every single thing you wanted to do, but didn’t, until this giant ball of crap blocks out the sun and a shadow falls over you and you feel defeated, not even knowing where to begin to climb this thing so you just walk away, shoulders slumped.

Sound familiar? Broken hearts, sicknesses, losses, failures, arguments, injuries, stresses – all hurdles that destroy momentum, all with the power to form mountains.

After nine days of sickness, fortunately there was no mountain, but a hill for me to climb. Damnit, I thought to myself, I had been doing so well! It was after that thought that I realized that getting sick was no failure on my part. Even if it was, big deal, shit happens. I realized the first step up the hill was to forgive myself for its creation. My hill formed because I was sick, and taking care of ME, saying “no” to commitments and people, which has always been hard for me, taking Nyquil at 7:00 pm and going to bed; putting ME and my well-being first, so I could recuperate as fast as possible.

I think this is where most of us fail. We allow guilt and defeat to bury us after our setbacks. Forgive yourself. It’s not like you tripped walking in a straight line. You tripped taking on a hurdle, and they can be pretty damn high! At least you were in the race!

After you forgive yourself, try to set time aside to start working on getting caught up. Go grocery shopping, get a workout in even if all you do is walk on the treadmill, commit to tasks in 45 minute chunks and switch the laundry in between each one. Start small, and most importantly, be patient and gentle with yourself. You may not be as strong or as energetic as you were before you stumbled. That’s okay – you got to that point once and you can get there again.

This is exactly what I’m doing, being mindful not to overdo it or put too much pressure on myself. I tackled a few things and am still getting caught up. I understand it will most likely take the rest of the week to get there.

Mountains are only looming when you’re looking up at them from a distance. Once you’re on one, you see there is a clearly marked trail to follow and you can no longer see how high it is. Before you know it, you’ve covered great distance.