I’m a Gemini. Most of my life my twins have been polar opposites. I go to extremes: all or nothing, indulgence or deprivation! I’m spontaneous and compulsive. I have often struggled with balance and middle ground. I drove my Mom bonkers as a young adult and was (mis) diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I had two settings: on and off. Whether eating, drinking, partying, falling in love, or studying: I either didn’t go near the roller coaster or I rode it all the way until I was physically ill. It never occurred to me that I could do things gradually or in moderation. Thankfully, I have learned how to pause, but old habits die hard and balance is still a constant struggle.

Riding the Swings

A few weeks back I went to happy hour. My intentions were to have two drinks and be on my way. Several glasses of wine later it was time to go, but I didn’t feel done. The imprint of my old behaviors kicked in and I wanted more. As I walked alone to my train stop, every bar enticed me. One sat at the corner of my train stop and I spontaneously took steps toward the door. Mere feet from the entrance I stopped dead. What am I doing? I stood there, frozen as if I had seen a ghost. So many thoughts collided in my inebriated mind, but two questions rose louder above the noise: What do I want in there? What am I craving?

As soon as the embarrassing truth to those questions came to me, I practically ran down the steps to the train as if the bar might shout after me and change my mind. It wasn’t more alcohol I craved, but something else, and a bar wasn’t the place to get it. So I went home and went to bed. I woke up the next day not with the familiar feeling of shame or regret, but with pride.

I told my best girlfriend, Kathy about my success. “I know it may not seem like that big a deal, but it feels like a huge deal.”

“It is a huge deal,” she said. “You didn’t get on the coaster. You went on the swings and when you were ready, you got off.”

I love that analogy.

Pause

I was able to avoid walking into the bar for two reasons: mindfulness and cognitive therapy. Most of my life I have acted without even a millisecond to think. The amount of times impulsiveness has caused me harm far outweighs the number of times it has benefited me. When we allow our emotions to take over and don’t pause to think is when we say and do things we often regret.

Pausing takes practice. My pause muscle is one I have to strengthen, just like my resistance muscle. It’s not easy to stop, breathe, and think, especially when your adrenaline is pumping, you’re inebriated, or your emotions are heightened. But every single time I am able to do this, I am grateful and proud. That’s what cognitive therapy and mindfulness are — being aware of yourself and your thinking.

Balance

Balance is a daily struggle but something I have much more of in my life these days. Balance for me is leaving happy hour when it ends, not after midnight. It’s eating some chips then putting the bag away for another day. It’s productive in the morning and lazy in the afternoon. It’s a big lunch and small dinner. It’s expressing my frustration without picking a fight.

It’s ironic: I don’t even like roller coasters. I do love swings, however. How nice to be able to get on, but stop when I’m ready rather than be at the mercy of the ride. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I can live life on my own terms.

Save

Kathy and I went hiking in Delaware this past Sunday. The weather was gorgeous. Blue skies, a cool breeze, low humidity. The only sounds were those of our chatter, the rustling of trees, singing of birds, and the occasional honk of a bull frog. I felt free. No traffic, no notifications and updates, no noise, no stress… My cell phone was tucked into my camelback only because it’s also my camera. I mentioned to Kathy I wished I had left it in the car. Even though it was on silent it seemed to radiate a low frequency annoyance. I still felt tethered.

We climbed out on some large rocks to soak our feet in the ice cold water of White Clay Creek.

It was marvelous to be out in the woods. Although civilization was only a few miles away, it felt so distant. Nothing could hurt us, as long as we stayed present. And I am grateful we did because little did we know that one peek at the news or Facebook would have hurtled us right back to reality. It wasn’t until hours later in my car that I would learn about the attack in Orlando, Florida and my heart would break.

Had I known sooner, I would have carried the weight of sadness in addition to my camelback and shadow would cloud the clear skies above us. And so for that reason, I am glad not to have known. Ignorance is bliss and I see little reason to know of the horrible things that happen in this world as soon as they happen.

How many times has a push notification on your phone ruined a good time? Whether a news report, an upsetting e-mail, a Facebook feed full of updates that another musician has died… do you ever wish you had just left it alone and remained in blissful ignorance? At least until the end of your date, or the movie or the party? This is all part of being present and in the moment. And if you’re truly present you won’t go looking for irrelevant news on your phone and run the risk of learning something upsetting which will utterly change the moment.

Had I checked the news after I snapped the above photo, I would have drastically changed the moment from two happy friends splashing their feet and smiling in the sun to two solemn adults sitting quietly and sad, their thoughts on violence and loss. I’m grateful I didn’t do that.

The world can wait. Had I checked in while sitting on that rock it would have been only out of habit or impulse, not need. I would have forfeited my rare view of nature for the familiar view of my cellphone. When do we ever really NEED to know what’s going on elsewhere? I can only think of a few examples…

If you’re happy, content or at peace, prolong the moment as long as possible. Don’t go looking for trouble. If you’re spending the day with family or at the beach among friends or even if reading alone in the local park, be present and be there, not online. You can catch up later. There’s often nothing to gain that couldn’t wait, and a lot to lose… like the moment.

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

I’ve come a really long way on this journey to living a happier and more peaceful life. If there was a sign in my house that noted how long it’s been since my last meltdown, two years ago we would have worn down chalk resetting it to zero. But a year ago the number for days without a meltdown was respectable. Recently, every day was record breaking! Until last Friday, when the sign would have been reset to zero. All because a seat belt tried to murder me.

Seriously.

During my thirteen minute commute home, no matter how many times I adjusted the goddamn belt across my shoulder and chest, it shifted up to my throat. With each adjustment and inevitable slip, my body tensed, teeth gritted, and knuckles whitened against the steering wheel. The sensation of edged polyester pressed into the side of my neck from jaw to clavicle felt like the filthy callused hands of a demented stranger wrapped around my throat. My heart rate increased, face flushed and eyes narrowed. I hated my new car with its ill fitting seat belt, blamed and despised my large breasts for existing, and was most likely the angriest a person has ever been throughout history at a SEAT BELT.

Blocks from home, I unbuckled the belt and threw it behind me. Within seconds the obnoxious ding of the seat belt alarm pierced my ears like a screeching child. I hunched forward like a madman as my hands clenched the wheel while steamy breath escaped my flared nostrils. The thought of speeding into a brick wall may have crossed my mind.

Finally, I raced up my driveway, threw the car into park and killed the engine. The only sound that remained was that of my rapid breathing.

My husband, Mike witnessed my arrival from the garage and approached cautiously. He stood beside the window for a moment. “Are you okay?” I heard muffled through the glass.

I opened the door. “No,” I grunted through gritted teeth.

“What happened?”

Too angry to speak, I sat there as Mike waited apprehensively.

“My seat belt strangled me!” I finally blurted. I demonstrated the violence by pulling the belt across my throat and pantomiming my strangulation. “See? I can’t stand it!”

Without a word, Mike reached inside the car and adjusted the seat belt height with a gentle push downward.

“Better?” he asked.

I burst into tears, flooded by relief and gratitude.

As surprising as this may sound, my meltdown wasn’t about attempted murder in the car by seat belt. I know, right – you’re SHOCKED! My little incident in the car was simply the straw attempting to break the camel’s back. The truth is I was tired, hungry, and it was my fifth day without a cigarette so I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms AGAIN. I had been driving the car for just shy of two months, and although the belt needed adjusting occasionally, it never agitated me to the point of contemplating expediting my own death.

My point is: no matter how mindful, zen, self-aware, or peaceful we become, we’re still going to have moments when we lose our shit. We’re human! We experience fluctuations in hormones and chemicals, hunger, exhaustion, annoying relatives, bosses, spouses, etc. and there will be times when all these things collide and we JUST.CAN’T.TAKE.IT.ANYMORE. We’re not perfect!

The skill comes in acknowledging what’s really at work. Remember my post Learning to H.A.L.T. about checking in to see if you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? If not, give it a read. The other skill is not allowing inconsequential annoyances to snowball into a careening mass of destruction.

In the past, I may have refused to even tell Mike what was bothering me, then found a reason to be upset with him. Soon we’d be in a horrible fight that would become about EVERY infraction ever committed, which would turn into a fight about fighting. Once that fizzled out in sheer exhaustion I may attempt to get changed and then decide I hate every article of clothing I own, which would inevitably turn into me hating my body and then myself.

Good times!

All could have been avoided had someone (or me) just given me a snack and a blanket. There’s a reason it works for kids. We’re not that different, folks… If you find yourself behaving like a toddler with a temper tantrum or a crazed madwoman, take a time-out. Check in with yourself. Ask yourself: am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired? Where am I in my menstrual cycle – could my hormones be off? Did I forget to take my medication today? There are reasons why we behave irrationally and I guarantee you they don’t have to do with what you’re blaming.

I suppose I owe my seat belt an apology…

My brother, Joey recently visited from Colorado. We took it easy his last day here and lounged around. I caught up on journaling. If you’ve been reading this blog a while, you may remember I keep several journals, two of which are 5-year journals. One is titled One Line A Day: A Five-Year Memory Book and the other Q&A a Day: 365 Questions, 5 Years, 1,825 Answers. Both only require a sentence or two be written a day and each entry goes underneath the previous year’s so I can reflect on the past. I find them a simple and effective way to journal.

I explained them to Joey and read him a few simple examples. For May 23rd: What’s your hairstyle? May 3rd: If you could have a superpower just for today, what would it be? (In 2015 I answered ‘teleportation so I could see so many incredible things.’ For 2016 I answered ‘healing, so I could help Mom.’) In this example alone, I can see I’ve become less selfish over the course of one year.

I also explained that some questions were more intense and thought-provoking, and as for the one line a day journal, I write down something significant from each day.

Joey’s response was one of confusion. “Don’t they keep you living in the past,” he asked. “Aren’t they full of stuff you’d be better off forgetting?”

His question caught me off guard since I am a proponent of living presently. I had to think. Was I living in the past? I was learning from the past, and remembering things worth remembering.

“No,” I answered. “First of all, there’s great stuff in these,” I said, tapping the books with my pen. “Little things easily forgotten that make me smile. Also, they help me see how I’ve grown. Sure, there’s painful stuff, but I don’t want to “forget” anything. I want to understand and accept; identify the good in the bad, and not be caught off guard or made to feel uncomfortable by lingering thoughts and memories, because lets face it – do we ever really forget anything completely?”

Joey seemed to consider what I said, then shrugged with indifference and went back to his phone as if the conversation no longer interested him.

But the topic interested me, so I thought about it more. I know some people certainly want to forget, but they go about it by denial and avoidance. I’d like to forget things, and not all of them are bad. Some memories are incredible, but thinking of them hurts my heart and fills me with a bittersweet sadness and longing because a friendship ended or a love was lost. We are advised to express gratitude for the experiences and the memories, but it’s not always easy.

I love Jeanne Safer’s suggestion that we “celebrate” to compensate for our loss in these instances.

When there is something meaningful to retrieve from a past relationship, celebrating it is a genuine compensation for loss. If anything in your love was real—imperfect, ambivalent, obsessive, or selfish in part, but tender and true at the core—it is yours forever, even though the one you loved loves you no longer or never fully returned your devotion. The authentic core of love is eternal, even if the person who inspired it will never return to you. But you have to hold fast to it and fight through your despair and disappointment to find it, resurrect it, and claim it.

These memories of past relationships remain our property despite their demise. We have every right to hold on to them in order to celebrate what was, and to look back with a smile and grateful heart for the experience.

Other memories I’d like to forget because they trigger shame, embarrassment, and are altogether pretty horrible. For example, the memories that a building near my home evoke.

I drive past this particular building two times a day. Years went by when I couldn’t even bear to visit the town, let alone see the building. But the passing of time helped me heal and I learned to accept what happened there. Some days, particularly during the winter, the season when I lived in the building, a memory strikes me like a flash of lightning and I shake my head to dissolve the materialized image. I know I’ll never forget what happened, but at least the memories don’t trigger anger or anxiety or cause me pain and suffering anymore. That’s because I allow them to exist.

I recognize the behavior from those who choose the way of denial and avoidance when dealing with their past.  They are easily triggered; defensive, anxious. I’ve witnessed people shut down conversation at the mention of a seemingly innocent subject because it triggered a memory or feeling they’ve gotten so used to ignoring. A lack of acceptance is at work.

Keep in mind that when I write of acceptance in this context, I don’ t mean we should resign ourselves to what happened to us or that we are helpless. By acceptance, I mean allowing something to exist, like a building, and accepting that these memories are part of who we are and our lives. Zindel Segal, Professor of Psychology in Mood Disorders, wrote that denying a negative mindset is taking place can be riskier for mental health than allowing negative emotions to exist.

In accepting negative emotions, allowing them to exist, we can begin to increase our self-awareness. Instead of lashing out after being triggered and not understanding why because we block out our memories, we can understand what’s happening (cognitive therapy). We can learn to understand our responses to certain triggers because we can identify them. Like Segal says in the article linked below, “Ah, fear is here.” Rather than experience impatience and irritability when at a red light next to the building that triggers me, I understand what’s at work – fear and discomfort. So instead of getting upset, I tell myself, “You are safe.”

What’s my alternative? Drive miles out of my way to avoid what boils down to bricks and concrete? Drive past white knuckling the steering wheel? Neither are viable options to me. If you’re avoiding something or someone and find yourself holding your breath or wanting to disappear into the wall, ask yourself: What’s really at work here? What is it I don’t want to exist? 

Perhaps it’s shame and you could go the rest of your life without seeing someone who triggers it deep within your core. Try giving yourself much needed self-care, love, and forgiveness. Your shame is not written across your forehead, even though I know it may often feel like that. Allow it to exist, and the person who makes you feel that way, and be mindful of your feelings and what you need, even if it’s leaving the space. The point is to be aware and good to yourself, not deny what is happening and behave in a way that will further add to your shame.

Three Ways Acceptance Helps You Work with Difficult Emotions

Whether good or bad, remembering is healthy. Allow for opportunities to reflect and see how you’ve grown, how relationships have changed, how less or more important things that were worthy of preserving at the time have become. Get comfortable with the past. Allow it to exist.

See for yourself how healthy remembering can be. Enter my raffle for a chance to win a 5-year journal of your own.

From June 3 – 9 you can enter to win the five year memory book so you, too, can capture a line or two a day for five years and reflect back on your experiences.

Click here to enter!

Please share this post (or one of your favorites) right now for a quick and easy three entries in the raffle. Just don’t forget to enter your name and e-mail address at the link above so I know you did it.

Thank you and good luck!

We all have relationships with difficult people. By difficult, I mean people who are in some way toxic: self-centered, arrogant, ignorant, judgemental, needy, play the role of the consummate victim, inconsiderate, bossy, dishonest, or insert any number of negative personality traits here, or heaven forbid, a combination of them all. Of course you know at least one. Although a lot of people advise us to cut negative people from our lives, it’s not often feasible or realistic. Sometimes the most we can do is learn how to deal with challenging people as best we can and try to protect ourselves in the process.

I’ve been dealing with one difficult person in particular for a long time. I still experience anxiety, anger, frustration, and distress as a result of this relationship. For the record, I’m not passive. I have tried defending myself and speaking up when I feel I’ve been wronged. I’ve learned though that when it comes to certain people, this gets me nowhere. My reaction, no matter how practiced or collected, only makes things worse. That’s because problem people love a reaction and don’t respond to reason. Never once have I succeeded with words when it comes to these people in my life. All we can do when it comes to people like this is try to enforce healthy boundaries and remember that their negativity has nothing to do with us.

This is hard! When someone makes accusations about me or my life, or directs their anger and frustration at me, it is really hard to remember that it has nothing to do with me. That’s when I turn to these quotes to help me remember.

Bookmark these quotes or print them out. Let them help to remind you the next time you are faced with a difficult person that their behavior is not to be taken personally.

Save

A couple weeks ago something really upsetting occurred. Without going into details I will say that it was unsettling and stressful and caused me a great deal of anxiety and anger. Surely you can retrieve something from your memory that made you feel this way, or perhaps you’re feeling that way right now. If so, you have my sympathy and empathy. It sucks plain and simple.

What sucks even more is when we don’t use our tools to help us deal with upsetting incidents. In the wake of this drama, I gave all my power away to negative emotions. Losing my power affected every single area of my life: home, work, socially… it affected me mentally, financially, and physically.

This is what happened:

I took a personal day from work.

I was so upset I couldn’t bear to get out of bed. I allowed my emotions to overpower my sense of responsibility.

I didn’t meal plan or cook.

I allowed my emotions to overpower my desire to stay on track with my diet and eat healthily. This had a tremendous ripple effect. Because I didn’t meal plan, I didn’t shop. Because I didn’t shop, I didn’t eat breakfast most of the week. I always eat breakfast. I had to buy several lunches and dinners I hadn’t budgeted for, which left me over-budget. Many of those meals weren’t as healthy as they would have been had I made them myself, so I consumed many more calories and ended the week having gained weight.

I slacked off on personal hygiene.

Gross, right? I didn’t wash my face or brush my teeth some nights before bed. I didn’t shower two (nonconsecutive) mornings.

Practicing good personal hygiene is one of the most basic ways we care for ourselves. When we’re depressed or upset, it’s one of the first things to go out the window because we simply don’t care enough.

I didn’t exercise.

This required way too much energy; energy my emotions and tears ate for breakfast since I didn’t give them any most mornings. This also cost me an unbudgeted $15 since I use GymPact and put money on the line every week to motivate me to get all my workouts in.

I was unproductive.

I accomplished only the most essential tasks and allowed a side project to get a week behind. My house turned messy and I felt disorganized and my mind cluttered.

My power went away on a full 6-night, 7-day vacation and left no contact information. Upon its arrival back home, she opened the door, rested and tan, and surveyed the damage, stunned at the mess she found me in. “Where were you!” I shouted, tripping over pizza boxes in my rush to greet her.

For a brief moment, I blamed the upsetting incident for taking my power away in some sort of kidnapping incident. But the truth is, I gave it away and I take full responsibility for that. Everything turned around once I had my power back. Now I sit, reflecting on an empowering, healthy, and productive week, my power at my side, and I am amazed at how easily I let her leave and all that I allowed to happen (or not happen) in her absence.

Next time, and I’m sure there will be a next time because ya know… life, I won’t give my power away so easily. I need her to keep me focused and strong, and she’s more important than any bout of drama I may face, regardless how upsetting. Because my power is permanent and lives within me, no one can take her away from me.

What sort of trouble do you find yourself in when you allow your power to run off? How do keep it from leaving in the first place? I’d love to hear from you.

Every belief system has their threat of punishment in order to keep us in line. For many western religions it is the promise of eternity in Hell. For others, like Hinduism and Buddhism, the promise that the sum of one’s actions in this life will decide their fate in future lives. Basically, behave badly and you’re likely to come back a banana slug. Karma.

Funny how the word ‘Karma” gets thrown around so much by people who are not Hindu or Buddhist. It’s taken on a new meaning when used in common language and is basically a shorter way of saying “what goes around, comes around.” Not in a future life, but in this one, since most of the people borrowing the word ‘Karma’ don’t believe in reincarnation. The notion is that everything will catch up to us and people will get what’s coming to them. This strongly held belief brings people comfort when they feel they’ve been wronged and can’t even the score. They have faith that Karma will prevail and people will get their just desserts in the end.

After all, isn’t that often the case? Watching the downfalls of corrupt public figures has become a favorite American pastime. Some people have a tendency to relish in the bad fortune of others when they feel it’s warranted; they claim it to be Karma catching up to them – the Universe at work.

I now have a better understanding of Karma and I can tell you that’s half correct. Remember that television show, My Name is Earl where Jason Lee’s character had a list of all the bad things he’d done and in every episode he sought to repair/fix/undo one of them in order to fix his Karma? Well, not everything can be undone, but Karma can be repaired. We all have this power.

According to Javier “LayArka” Perez-Karam, Founder of OurBusyMinds.com: 

“Karma is no more than the habitual pattern with which we engage with reality. The actions we take, the words we say, and the thoughts we have, in a
way, define us, and shape the lens through which we experience our
lives.”

For example, if you lie a lot, those lies are going to shape who you are – you are going to become a liar. You’ll need to lie to back up your lies and eventually, you’re going to find yourself in a big old mess. Not because of some cosmic voodoo, but because that was the lens you were living your life through.

The word “Karma” is sanskrit for “action” and it refers to the law of actions and their effects. It is not meant to be used to suggest reward or punishment. It’s much more neutral and natural; do good things and good things will come. Do bad thing and bad things will come.

The amazing thing, though is that at any moment, we can change the lens! The actions we take, the words we say, and the thoughts we have shape the lens. These three create our mental habits or “Karma.” With each new act, word and thought, we can change the idea of who “we are” and how “things are.”

If the liar stops lying and begins to unravel his web, he can begin to switch his lens from that of “liar” to that of “honesty.” There will most likely be some fallout in the beginning, but over time, he will attract more honest people and live a more peaceful life. Less bad things will find him since he is no longer doing bad things. Like Bilbo Baggins said, ‘”Stay out of trouble and no trouble will come to you.” Karma.

If we want to be happier, we can begin by being happier for others, like I wrote in last week’s post, “Practicing Mudita.” If we have guilt over how we have handled some relationships and worry about that Karma, we can switch the lens and begin to work on improving relationships.

The people who worry most about their Karma are those who do not practice right action, right speech or right intention. Instead of worrying while continuing to view life through the same blurred lens, let’s switch out the lens for one that’s clearer and begin to live rightly.

Like wiping a dirty lens, we can begin to wipe away our Karma as long as we’re willing to see things differently.

Save

Save

If I were to ask you if you meditate, how would you interpret that question? Chances are you’d think, You mean do I sit with my legs crossed and try to be still and not think?

That would be a fair interpretation. After all, society has painted meditation in pictures like this:

Looks lovely, sure, but I don’t know anyone who meditates pantsless in a reflection pool with their head back like that – seems uncomfortable if you ask me.

Images like these can be intimidating to the novice. They paint a picture that you need serene outdoor space and solitude to meditate. The truth is you can sit down at your kitchen table right now, close your eyes and just breathe. You’d be off to a great start.

I’ve written about meditation before and I don’t want to be repetitive, so here is the link to my more comprehensive post with instructions and additional information.

My intention with this post is to reveal to you how much you already practice meditation without even realizing you do. Hear me out…

The act of meditation is wonderful for our well being; proven to lower blood pressure, relax the nervous system, relieve muscle tension, quiet the mind, and reduce anxiety, among many other benefits.

But what is the act of meditation? Meditating is what most people think it is, sitting in a chair or cross legged in silence trying to quiet the mind, but that’s only one form of meditation.

There are many other forms, countless forms! That’s because meditation occurs whenever you give something your complete concentration and attention.

Think of a project or activity you’ve done recently – perhaps you painted or built something, or tackled an arduous reorganization project; anything that required your full concentration. You didn’t think about anything that happened before or might happen later. You focused on the task at hand. Perhaps after a while you looked up at the clock and had no idea where the time went. But you didn’t worry, because you acknowledged it was time well spent. You felt… calm.

Sounds like meditation to me.

What about playing with your child? The giggling and games, the open heart? Joyous moments like these we tend to live in the moment. We don’t worry about messes or dinner, earlier arguments or future meetings. These are the moments we are fully present.

When I am out for dinner or drinks with friends talking and laughing, I am nowhere other than at that table or bar giving my full attention to the moment. These are the times we reflect on and think, I really enjoyed that. Sure, it was the company. But wasn’t it also great to not be weighed down with anxiety for the future or sadness over the past?

We can achieve these feelings even during chores! Real Simple Magazine cited that an October, 2015 study published in the journal Mindfulness reported that washing dishes can reduce a person’s levels of stress and anger by 27% – as long as it is done mindfully. Subjects were asked to focus on the act of washing (the scent of the soap, the warmth of the water, how the dishes felt) while leaving others to just do it. Those who concentrated on the task experienced the 27% reduction in nervousness and bad feelings and enjoyed a 25% boost in mental inspiration. The distracted washers experienced nothing.

This is why I say there are countless forms of meditation because meditation occurs whenever you give something your full concentration. A sport, activity, project, moment, hobby… People knit because they say it’s calming, but they get to keep moving. People play tennis because it requires their full attention but they get to blow off steam. You can meditate in so many ways! Just be all there.

If you only take away one thing from this post, let it be this: look for stolen moments of meditation and take advantage of them. Try it while you make dinner tonight or walk your dog. Allow yourself to enjoy the activity and to be present and mindful. Take in the cooking smells or the feeling of cold air on your face. Breathe. Don’t worry about what happened before or what happens after. Give your full attention to the task at hand. Take it in.

Be present. And you, too can acquire the many benefits of meditation.

People say they don’t care what others think of them, but is that ever true? Doesn’t everyone care, at least a little, what others think of them?

Whenever someone says they don’t care what others think, they are referring to the negative thoughts. It’s a defense mechanism. We don’t want to care. We know we shouldn’t. But damn, it sucks. So we play it cool and shrug it off with an, “I don’t care.”

Have you ever talked with someone and said something complimentary like, “Oh, by the way, Sally thinks you’re charming and a great musician,” only for them to say, “I don’t care what Sally thinks of me.” No. (Unless this person really doesn’t care for Sally). People don’t mind hearing the positive things that others think of them. In fact, we often appreciate it. It’s positive reinforcement and leaves us feeling good about ourselves.

What matters most, of course, is what we think of ourselves. Sure. But we also care what others think to some degree.

When I behave in such a way that leaves me feeling regret or discomfort, I stress over it for a bit. I worry what other people may think of me. (Spoiler alert: People seldom think about anyone other than themselves) But even though I know that, I’m so wrapped up in myself that I think surely, someone is thinking badly about me, and I feel embarrassed.

Curious how we can be so judgmental of our negative qualities/behaviors and not of our positive ones. I may lose sleep feeling like I screwed up. But I don’t ever fall asleep with a smile after a great night in which I behaved thinking, “Nailed it!”

I suppose that’s why learning the positive things others think of us can be so fulfilling… and surprising.

Last week I received a message out of the blue from a friend I don’t get to see or talk to as much as I’d like. She explained that she wanted to cook something new and went to the Asian market. She wrote that she was getting stressed out because she didn’t know what was she doing and couldn’t understand anything, since nothing was in English.

“Then for some reason I thought, I bet if Jess or Kathy were in this situation they would really enjoy it and just take it all in and not be overwhelmed. So I asked myself what Jess or Kathy would do. And I ended up having the best time going up and down every aisle, checking out all the live seafood, smelling all the smells, and now I can’t wait to go back! So you unknowingly brightened my day yesterday.”

This message meant a lot to me. Not because I brightened a friend’s day, but because I inspired her. As a result, she had a new experience so meaningful she felt compelled to share it.

I’ve never considered myself inspirational, not in the sense we often think of when we refer to someone being an “inspiration.” But damn, if I can inspire someone to walk around an Asian market and have a great time, then that’s good enough for me!

I loved learning that my friend thought this of me (and Kathy). I DO care. Very much. I love shopping for food, smelling it, touching it, cooking it, eating it. This passion of mine has clearly been noticed and it inspired someone.

I was perfectly happy in life enjoying food and not giving a damn if anyone knew it and needing zero acknowledgement. I supposed I worried instead if they thought I was too fat. But since my passion has been noticed and acknowledged, I’m happy to know about it.

In a world where we tend to worry what others think of us, lets let each other know the good things we think of one another. Maybe over time, we won’t care so much about the negative since we know there’s good stuff on the other side of the scale working in our favor, reinforcing that we’re not so bad after all.

It happens every year. So much to do in so little time. So many gifts to purchase, things to bake, places to go, people to see. It’s the Holidays. Stresses are high as people spend money they don’t have and worry what to buy. We face anxiety over how to appease everyone and deal with so much family. It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Well, depending on who you ask…

So far this Christmas season I have felt organized and ahead of the game. My house looks stunning, thanks to a visit last week from my father. He had never seen my house at Christmas time so I went the extra mile to show off. He may have been the stimulus for our increased efforts, but my husband and I are certainly reaping the benefits of our labors. (If you struggle with last minute cleaning and decorating, I recommend you schedule a lunch or dinner at your home with friends or family a couple weeks beforehand to put that fire under you. The bonus is that you get to enjoy your efforts longer!)

I also did a fair bit of shopping on Cyber Monday, so most of the gift buying was done, and I had a nice stress-free shopping day last weekend where I picked up a few more things. It was stress-free because it wasn’t last-minute. Also because I don’t shop based on obligation, but on desire. Obligation is a horrible chore. Sure, we all have them, but really ask yourself if what you think you “have” to do is absolutely a necessity. For example, I may not send out Christmas cards this year. GASP! If I run out of time and am feeling stressed and scribbling names as fast as I can without adding personal notes, then what’s the point? First of all, I’d be acting not out of love, but out of obligation. Secondly, I can’t imagine one person I send cards to (okay, maybe one) saying that I must send them even if it kills me. If I don’t send Christmas cards the world will keep turning and no one will think less of us (hopefully).

Said you’d bake cookies for a party this weekend? Stressing hardcore about it? You have my permission to buy them. I did this last year. I make the same brownies every year for a friend’s party and they are expected, I’m sure. I love to make them. But last year I just could not find the time and was stressing. So I bought some fancy baked goods and apologized to the hostess and told her it was for my own well-being.

Guess what happened? She said it was smart thinking and she’s glad I didn’t stress myself out over them. She didn’t kick me out, people. The party wasn’t ruined due to the absence of my famous peanut butter honey brownies. (I am making up for it this year and baking them tomorrow, though.)

I enjoy the preparation for Christmas more than the actual day itself. But mostly I’m not feeling stressed because I decided the best gift I can give is my presence, the gift of my attention, the gift of my love, the gift of myself relaxed and attentive, not stressed, exhausted and overwhelmed and acting out of obligation.

So many times I have asked certain people for no gifts, only that we spend time together. But every year I get upset phone calls from angry people venting that they have no idea what to get me and why can’t I just give them some ideas. This is so frustrating to me. Nothing like telling someone you just want to spend time with them then getting attitude for not being helpful, especially from people who should know you well enough to pick you up something without your input. But I digress.

Come Christmas, so many people are so exhausted and burnt out, they don’t even seem to care much anymore. The gifts they give aren’t what’s wrapped up or jammed into a gift bag at the last minute, but the guilt the recipient feels, because it’s so obvious how much stress and inconvenience the gift giver went through.

I am guilty of having done this, too, I admit. Christmas often feels like the end of a marathon. People are ready to collapse rather than celebrate. 

For me this year it’s all about quality over quantity and presence over presents, though. Maintaining a relaxed and mindful state will also help me to deal with those around me.

I’ve learned over the past several weeks that I have the power to be a calming force. When someone tries to dance with you, and you don’t participate, they give up and stop dancing. I practiced non-engagement with negative behaviors on Thanksgiving, and again last week during a political discussion I had zero interest in participating in. Eventually (hopefully), people realize they are dancing alone, so they stop. This is a magical, fool-proof way to deal with negative behavior and it requires nothing from yourself except non-engagement, so literally, it requires nothing. Do nothing. Stand still, don’t dance. Keep quiet, don’t breathe oxygen into a fire. The dance stops and the fire burns out.

Through high expectations and our love of consumerism, Christmas has gotten out of control. Join me this year in giving the gift of presence, and leave the exhaustion and stress and obligation on the disorderly retail shelves where they belong. Ask yourself what you enjoy most about the season and make those things your priority. See what you can do without and cross it off your list without checking it twice.

Dance if you want to, but only if it’s to some good holiday music.