I heard the enthusiastic “Hello!” over the music coming through my headphones and looked around. One of my neighbors waved from across the street. I slipped the buds from my ears and shouted a greeting back. I was nearly done with my regular 3 mile walk, a few houses from home.

“Do you walk often?” she yelled.

I crossed the street to her front yard. “Fairly regularly.”

“I want to walk. Can I walk with you?” she asked.

I had been waving to this woman while walking Cooper since I’d moved in a year ago. “Sure. How about tomorrow morning? Is six too early?”

“That’s perfect!”

“Okay, see you tomorrow at six!”

I went home and told Mike I had a date to walk with the neighbor in the big white house up the street.

“Cool, what’s her name?” he asked.

“No idea.”

I’m not certain that’s exactly how the conversation went, but it’s damn close. And we really didn’t exchange names until the following morning at six am.

I love this story. You see, that’s how me and my very good friend, April met several years ago. All because she put herself out there by approaching a stranger, and because I reciprocated. We both took a chance that day. And I am so very glad that we did. Because now she is one of my closest friends!

The truth is that you just never know what will happen unless you try. Based on April’s family’s comings and goings (their cars must whizz past our house a dozen times a day) it would be easy to assume she was far too busy for a new friend. Or because she has children and I do not, either one of us could have assumed we wouldn’t have much in common. But it didn’t matter. She wanted to walk and saw me walking. That was the spark that set things in motion.

And all you need is one little spark. A shared commute, a flirtatious glance, children in the same class, someone who works in the same building, the handsome man in your Saturday morning yoga class, a friendly neighbor… The world is overflowing with possible human connections. All it takes is a little courage to put yourself out there, a smile and a friendly greeting. After that, see where it goes. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

In mine and April’s case, sure, I could have said, “No, I walk alone” in a very villainy accent. Or we could have gone for a walk and the conversation may have been awkward or we’d discover one or the other wasn’t a nice person and we wouldn’t make plans to walk again. The worst that could have happened is that our lives stayed the same, no better no worse.

Instead, we hit it off splendidly! We would walk well over a hundred miles together over the ensuing years. Mike and April’s husband have become close friends and we adore their children. They have a key to our house and have helped with Cooper when we’re away. They are our wonderful friends, our closest “family” within a 70 minute drive, and we are incredibly grateful to have them in our lives.

Look around you. Another friend or future date might be sitting on the bar stool across from you, live down the street, frequent your gym, or make your weekend smoothie. You won’t know until you put yourself out there.

April did. And I am so damn glad she did.

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Every women has at one time or another experienced her menstrual cycle. Month after month for the great majority of our lives we experience hormonal fluctuations which cause changes in our bodies and shifts in our moods, sometimes drastic. Despite the fact that every woman has experienced this fact of life, our culture barely acknowledges it. I have realized that as a result, even though we all experience our periods, many of us don’t have a good understanding of our menstrual cycles. I certainly didn’t. But let me tell you that once I learned, everything changed.

We live in a male-led society with zero sympathy for what women deal with as a result of their cycles. Furthermore, there is a booming business centered around minimizing the significance of our natural cycles; discreetly sized sanitation products and pills to treat our symptoms just to name a couple. Like most women I know, I dealt with what I considered a monthly inconvenience to the best of my ability, and kept the matter to myself. But on this journey of self-understanding I was led to a better understanding of the menstrual cycle, and then my own personal natural rhythm. As a result, I have learned so much about myself and things I always thought were beyond my control, like fatigue, cravings and moodiness.

It turns out that with the right knowledge our menstrual cycles cease to be so much of a nuisance. Instead, they become a resource; predictable monthly calendars with a wealth of knowledge we can use to our advantage. We just need to learn how to read them and where we fall on any given day within our cycles.

The Wave

Ironic that a man would express a women’s monthly rhythm in a way I identify with most. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (which I highly recommend), explains that women are like waves. We gain momentum and build ourselves up and experience high energy and then, at the end of our cycle, we crash. And then the cycle begins again, slowly building back up again until inevitably crashing again over and over… just like the waves in the ocean.

Sometimes, depending on a myriad of factors hormonal, emotional, external and the like, seas are calmer and the waves don’t grow as large or break as hard. Yet other times, our waves grow enormous and crash devastatingly hard.

Since January 2 my wave had been building with incredible force and energy. I rode my monster wave for weeks until CRASH! Without notice, the crest caved and all that energy collapsed. It was January 22. I barely left my couch. It is now January 27 and I am still held under whitewater, coming up for air as often as I can to go to work, exercise, and do chores, before resorting back to my bed or the couch for a nap. Additionally, my food cravings are incredibly intense.

The Whitewater

It took a day or two after I crashed to realize what was going on. Ahhhh, PMS, there you are. I should have begun preparing last week, but I kept forging ahead with full intensity, focused on other things. Is it any wonder I crashed so hard? Had I been more mindful of the calendar and my cycle, I would have begun to slow down, wrap up some projects, increase my calorie intake, and buy the appropriate food to nourish me yet satisfy my coming cravings.

I didn’t do those things. And so when I crashed, there was nothing to cushion me. But now that I know what’s going on, I know how to take care of myself. I know what my body needs during this phase of my cycle and how long it lasts. I know that I will start to bleed Saturday or Sunday and that I’ll turn inward for a day or two. I’ll need extra rest and won’t feel like being social. I also won’t feel terribly creative so best not to try to force it. This weekend is definitely not one for projects or parties. Luckily I have few plans and can get some rest and enjoy reading and Netflix. That’s what this time in my cycle calls for.

The Water Rises

By the middle of next week my energy and creativity will spike and so will begin my favorite nine days of my cycle where productivity becomes my middle name. This is the time to start new projects, tackle cleaning and get as much work done as possible. It’s a short lived time and I take advantage of it. I can because I am aware of its power and when it arrives. My mood is optimistic and friendly, so it’s also a good time for socializing.

The Southern Swell

After those nine days I will begin to ovulate. This is a time to give of myself and be nurturing to my friends and family. I may experience cravings and need to increase my calorie intake since my body will be exerting more energy. Many women also desire greater intimacy during this time.

The Crest and the Crash

After ovulation the wave begins its final turbulent surge as it rages toward the shore. This is a creative, yet emotional and sensitive time. Energy is waning and the dynamic becomes destructive and descends inward. The immune system lowers and near the end of this nine day phase our crest curls and crashes and we often experience cramping, bloating, fatigue, tender breasts, intense cravings, hostility and mood swings. This is a time to choose our interactions with people carefully and be sure to incorporate plenty of alone time.

Once you learn to track and understand your cycle, rather than forge on ahead as if everything is level, you can plan around these various phases. For example, this is a good time for the children to go to Grandma’s for the weekend so you can have some quiet, undisturbed time.

The crash is followed by blood time which lasts approximately five days. This is a time of quiet, comfort and reflection. Only do what is absolutely essential and avoid making any important decisions or stressful appointments. Oftentimes bleeding is accompanied by the continuation of cramps, migraines, and exhaustion. Rest. Dr. Christiane Northrup, women’s health expert, says that in a perfect world women would not leave their beds on their first day of bleeding.

Adapting

We are not afforded the luxury of staying home once a month or scheduling all of life around our cycles. But we can be more mindful and manage things within our control. You may not be able to schedule a board meeting when your wave is rising or surging, but you certainly can schedule dinner with your in-laws for that time. Plan parties, projects, decision making, your meal plan, physical activities, etc. accordingly around your cycle. If you’re going to Mexico for a week and will start to bleed, don’t plan to walk the Mayan ruins on that particular day.

Although it may seem that the expectation is for you to be energized and “on” every day, the truth is that that is not how we women were created. The native Americans believed that menstruation was a gift from the moon so that a few days every single month women were given a chance to rest. Embrace your cycle. Roll with your wave and experience it. Use it as the wonderful resource it can be to help guide you through these years of your life.

Suggested Reading

This post is only meant to be an introduction to the idea of understanding menstrual cycles to the point of using yours as a resource. I didn’t touch at all on what happens physically in the body during each phase, the fascinating cultural histories of women and their cycles, or tracking your cycle. If you’re interested in learning more and really getting a better understanding of your cycle, I highly suggest you read Moon Time by Lucy H. Pearce. This short book is wonderful and eye-opening. There is also a version written for young women, which I think is lovely! Buy it for your tween and teen daughters, nieces or sisters. Help them mature with an understanding that many of us lacked. That book is Reaching For The Moon by Lucy H. Pearce.

Additionally, let us women talk more about our cycles! During PMS and blood time, women crave sisterly communion. Let us aid one another to ease the shifting tides of our cycles and be a support to one another. Since every one of us experiences menstrual cycles, let’s not continue to experience them so alone.

And lastly, please be kind to yourself and your body. Nothing in nature blooms all the time.

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I could tell by the crowds on the platform that the train was late and I’d be lucky to fit on board once it arrived. Thankfully, I was able to squeeze in. As the train slowed at the next stop, I recognized someone waiting on the platform. A wave of relief flooded me with the realization there was no room for him. But then he crammed on board. There was nowhere for me to go. It wasn’t until our shoulders were touching that he noticed me. I felt the shift from his recognition that he was pressed against his ex-girlfriend, someone he’d spent over a year with sharing intimacies and love. Despite that, neither one of us acknowledged the other. We endured the awkward ride, painfully aware of the other, until I exited the train two stops early to end the discomfort. As I strode away, I thought how sad so many relationships come to such ends.

I’ve shared intimacies with many people who are no longer in my life. People who no longer know me, yet walk the Earth carrying my secrets with them, and I theirs. For a long time I struggled greatly with abandonment (and am told I still do at times). Rather than simply let people go, I struggled. I clutched my relationships with friends and lovers like water balloons, and as a result many of them burst.

Attachment is a human condition. If only I knew and understood from a young age that it was completely natural for people to come and go, I would not have suffered so in letting go of relationships. If only I’d known that a great many people aren’t necessarily meant to stay in our lives,  I would have been far more grateful for my time with them, rather than mourn my time without them.

We cannot count on anyone staying in our life forever. All that we can count on is change. We adapt to it, or we allow it to hurt us. Change in our closest relationships is such a struggle, though because meaningful relationships are so intricately woven. Identities become linked together and it is easy to forget who we are without the other.

I lost my two childhood best friends, one of them twice. The friendships ended for good sophomore year of high school and it destroyed me. In hindsight, I hadn’t a clue in the world who I was except for the person I was with my two best friends and within our circle. The loss of my friendships in high school is my single greatest trauma for the sole reason that it either directly or indirectly led to every trauma after it. I was a dingy lost at sea without a paddle or an anchor…

As a result I viewed every future friendship and relationship like a lifeboat, to which I desperately clung. I gave meaning to meaningless relationships and settled for friends not worthy of the title. When the relationships inevitably ended, largely due to my neediness, I still mourned them. For anything was better than nothing.

Eventually, and not without great struggle, I matured and created a life for myself. I gained confidence and learned how to enjoy my own company. I even have friends of my very own outside of the amazing friendships I inherited from my husband.

I no longer settle in my relationships. The friendships I have now are a perfect fit and I truly believe I found them when the time was right. I am not at all like the person I was as a child or a teen. To expect all of our relationships to grow and change with us is an unrealistic expectation. If my friendships didn’t end in high school, they still would have ended eventually.

I could have said hello to my ex-boyfriend on the train. Instead I chose to follow his lead. There are some people I’d love to say hello to if I bumped in to them, but for most, there is no point. We no longer know one another, so why acknowledge we once did? For one reason or another, we have let go of one another. It is perfectly natural. And I know that now. People grow and change. We cannot expect all of our relationships to grow and change with us.

Being able to let go of relationships with a sense of love and gratitude is a gift. Seeing my ex boyfriend on the train brought back a lot of great memories. It was a wonderful short-lived time in my life and I am grateful to him and wish him well. I do the same for my two childhood best friends. And another I lived with in Philadelphia. And many others who have come and gone over the years…

I saw my ex boyfriend on the train again this morning. This time, having already written this post, I only thought one thing: how strange that we’ve lived within miles of one another for over a decade and haven’t seen one another and now twice in one week. Again, he ignored me and turned away in the aisle of the train. I smiled slightly to myself and went back to my book.

I had already let him go with peace and gratitude. Now he’s just someone that I used to know.

“What was your happiest moment this year?” That was the daily question for December 30 in Questions For Life. Even though I wrote the questions, I am experiencing them for the first time as I use the journal for myself. This question stumped me; it made me think. What was my happiest moment? Many memories flashed before my eyes and I recognized a spectrum of nuanced emotions. It took me some time to hone in on the answer. Once I did, I realized the question had a deeper meaning. And that’s when I discovered there was much to learn from our happiest moments…

Through my daily journaling practice throughout all of 2016, I paid close attention. The year isn’t a blur for me. And specific moments of happiness stand out amongst the countless joyful ones I am incredibly grateful to have experienced. Pinpointing my happiest moments was such a good exercise because in identifying and acknowledging our happiest moments I think we are more likely to strive to recreate them. Many people, sadly, don’t seem to know what makes them happy. We generally don’t give our happiest moments the credit they deserve. We allow them to be fleeting.

My Happiest Moments of 2016

1. Beach Days: Reflecting on the year, many of my happiest moments occurred at the beach. The sun, the water, my paddleboard, a good book, relaxation, friends, laughter… it’s a recipe for joy. Emotions are tricky because they are so nuanced. As I sat in my beach chair in shallow water at my favorite spot and looked up from an excellent book and felt the sun on my face and inhaled the scent of saltwater, was it happiness I felt? Or was it joy? Or peace? A combination of many different emotions, I think. My jaw hurt from laughing with special people, my shoulders were at ease with no presence of stress. Days like that are the good stuff. I felt happy…

2. Travel: Other happiness highlights are also peppered throughout my week vacation to Asheville, NC. Quality time with family made me very happy, as did seeing new sights and being surrounded by mountains and fresh air. New experiences, however, made me feel exuberant. Standing in the middle of a forest in the pouring rain waiting my turn to slide down a natural waterfall. Later, swimming full force at the bottom of a waterfall in frigid crystal clear mountain water. Hiking. White water rafting… Travel thrills me! It makes me feel alive.

3. Conversation & Connection: Good conversation and human connection has the same effect on me as travel. There were some amazing moments this past year with people I cherish. How incredible to feel so happy just being given the opportunity to listen and to be heard, to love and be loved. It fills my heart. Without these connections, a large part of my joy would go missing.

4. Accomplishment: And finally, how I love my productive days and meeting goals! I may be confusing accomplishment with happiness here, but damn, I LOVE the way I feel after a good workout, work session or when slashing things off my to-do list. I crave it.

What My Happiest Moments Taught Me

Now that I took the time to reflect and identify what made me happiest in 2016, I know exactly what I need more of in my life in 2017. I need more:

1. Beach days
2. Travel
3. Conversation & Connection
4. Accomplishments

This is clearly the good stuff in my life that brings me the most joy. I’d be a fool not to seek more of it in my life. And that is what my happiest moments of 2016 taught me… they taught me what to go after.

So ask yourself: “What was your happiest moment this year?” Explore what makes you feel most joyous, most alive. And then, pursue it as if your life depended on it. After all, our life does depend on our happiness.

P.S. And if you want to be asked 364 more thought-provoking questions like this, then order your copy of Questions For Life: Two Year Guided Daily Journal For Intentional Living and begin your daily journaling practice.

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These past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about the year behind us, and the year before us. This is a wonderful time for reflection and looking to the future. It is a time to reset and refocus. A fresh start for everyone!

For many, 2016 was one hell of a tough year. We lost so many treasured people and endured an absolutely volatile election. The jokes about 2016 being so awful will live on long after the year has ended. But I have to say, my 2016 wasn’t so bad.

2016 Highlights

1. I QUIT SMOKING! As of this writing I am 159 days cigarette-free! Everyone, this has been a goal of mine for over ten years. TEN YEARS!
2. I got a new car! It’s my first new car, too. It replaced a thirteen year old Ford Focus. So yeah, it’s a big deal.
3. I published my first book! Questions For Life Two Year Guided Daily Journal For Intentional Living is the product of the four components of my daily practice combined into the perfect tool for the masses. This has been a wonderful experience so far and I am thrilled so many people love the journal.
4. I traveled to Asheville, NC and had a wonderful time with family. The mountains were where I finally quit smoking and where I got the idea for Questions For Life. The trip was ripe with new experiences and I am grateful to have traveled someplace new.
5. I built this new website. All by myself, too! This was a very significant blogging goal of mine for 2016.
6. I got my Mom back. My Mom has been addicted to pain killers for many years and it’s been hard. VERY hard. But she managed to kick her addiction and come back to us all. I thank God every single day for this.

So yeah, not too shabby!

In looking back at last year’s New Year post, I see I didn’t write specific goals for 2016. I set out to continue trying to lose weight and stop smoking, one of which I finally achieved! As for other goals, I realized that so many good things had finally become a part of my routine, my LIFE, that I didn’t find it necessary to write them down as goals. That’s pretty cool. And even without those specific goals, I had a successful year just continuing on this wellness journey. I have learned so much, accumulated more tools, had so many new experiences, and generally have continued to get to know myself better. It was a good year.

I grew in 2016. I don’t think I can ask for much more than that.

2017 New Year Goals

But I want to get specific again for 2017. Lately, some new year goals have been playing through my mind, so I’ve focused in on them and come up with the following list:

1. Pay off three specific debts.
   • Financial freedom continues to be a major goal of mine. I have identified three specific debts I have aimed to eliminate by the end of 2017.
2. Complete the first draft of my fiction novel.
   • This is a bold goal, yes. But after barely even touching my novel in 2016, this needs to be a much higher priority.
3. Establish a healthy morning routine, and maintain it consistently.
   • I still struggle with getting out of bed early and getting to yoga. I will not resolve to work out every morning because it’s not realistic. But I do want to commit to giving myself an hour to journal, meditate, read, write, exercise, etc. I also resolve to NOT let my phone be the first thing I look at every morning. Which leads me to my next goal…
4. Drastically reduce the amount of time I spend on Facebook/social media.  
   • One of the questions in Questions For Life is: What would your life look like if you never wasted another minute? Without being too specific, I will say that my life would be amazingly productive and I’d have a lot more to show for my time here. My biggest time suck is Facebook. I catch myself mindlessly scrolling through the nonsense and falling down rabbit holes when I could be producing or learning or any number of things that would serve me better.
5. Continue setting New Moon Intentions each moon cycle with specific 29 day goals.
   • One of the many things I learned in 2016 was how well New Moon Intention-setting works for me. Each new moon, I write down specific intentions which vary cycle to cycle. They include everything from finish reading a book, setting a specific weight goal, not checking social media as soon as I wake up, taking on an extra yoga class, etc. I commit to these intentions at my altar before the Moon and Universe. This holds me much more accountable than simply striving to achieve something by the end of a month. It’s all about finding what works for you. This works for me. So for all 2017 I will set intentions for each new moon, starting with today’s New Moon. I will include in these intentions other goals, as well as mini versions of my larger goals. For example, work on my novel twenty hours during the cycle.
6. Lose weight
   • For the second consecutive year, I have managed not to gain any weight. That’s great and represents progress. But I still struggle to lose weight. That being said, however, I am ending 2016 weighing six pounds less than I weighed at the end of 2015. It took a year’s worth of cognitive therapy and practice, but I think I’m finally on to something. In 2016 I managed to finally quit smoking. I think 2017 will be the year I finally manage to lose weight…

The Importance of Goal-Setting

Damn, it feels good not to have “quit smoking” among that list. When we set new year goals, we establish benchmarks in which to assess ourselves. By setting goals, we say to ourselves: I resolve for this year not to be the same as the last. I won’t live the same year over and over again and call it a life. I will do things differently. This past year I quit smoking. The sense of achievement when we accomplish our goals is incredibly rewarding.

So take some time and think about what you want this year. Just make sure your new year goals are SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time-based). For example, my goal to lose weight isn’t very SMART. I haven’t specifically committed to a certain number of pounds I aim to lose, but I will in my new moon intentions, so I’m covered.

After you’ve established your annual goals, break them down into smaller, specific chunks. Want to lose 50 pounds? Set a monthly goal to lose five pounds and assess yourself regularly and make adjustments where necessary. Want to quit smoking? Don’t just give up if you have a cigarette. Keep track of how many you have a day/week/month and make your goal to cut that back the next week and the next month. Want to save $1,000? Do the math and finesse your budget and come up with a realistic plan to do so. Goals are nothing without a plan to achieve them.

I love this time of year so much. So much optimism, so much energy. I look forward to continuing this life-changing journey in 2017, and I look forward to sharing it with you. I’d love to hear what some of your goals are for the new year. Please share them in the comments.

And if one of your goals is to minimize, then please join my Third Annual Minimalism Challenge kicking off January 1!

I wish you all a very happy, healthy, and hopeful new year!

Previous New Year Posts:

12/30/2015: A Year Well Spent

12/31/2014: 2014/2015: Looking Back & Looking Ahead

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Back on December 8, I shared my latest weight loss saga in ‘Twas The Night Before Weigh-In: My Christmas Struggle Story. In this post I’ve provided an update on how that all turned out. I certainly learned a lot over the past twenty days, including one very valuable lesson about the reasons why we do things. It turns out that because you want something is a good enough reason to go after what you want… but more on that after the update.

In case you didn’t catch the Christmas Struggle Story post and don’t feel like reading it now, I will summarize quickly (but it’s a good post so you should read it.) Long story short, I signed up for a clinical study and went through the majority of the enrollment process before learning my BMI was POINT 3 too high. I was given a week to lose two pounds right in the midst of holiday festivities. But I did it! Only to be told the night before my weigh-in that some of my test results hadn’t come in yet so we’d have to reschedule. Twelve more days, during the height of the Holiday season, I’d have to maintain this lower BMI. It was a struggle. But the day before my appointment I was on point to meet my goal.

Update

Nineteen days I monitored my weight, resisted cravings, adjusted and micromanaged, all during Holiday parties, dinners, and gatherings. Not making this goal was not an option. I would not suffer the embarrassment of not being able to lose two measly pounds and then maintain that loss. The day before my appointment I weighed myself and was on target. For good measure I decided to eat very light and skip dinner. All was well… until at 5:05 that evening when the doctor called.

It turns out that my weight wasn’t the only thing that didn’t meet the guidelines. My cholesterol was also several points too high. It was an automatic exclusion in the study. Maybe they could re-screen me in a couple months, she said.

I was disappointed. But when something is simply not meant to be, it’s pretty obvious. And this was obviously not meant to be.

I had plans to go see the new Star Wars movie that night and after a sense of disappointment, my very next thought was, “well, at least I can get some popcorn now.”

Silver lining. I ate the crap out of that popcorn, too.

Call it resentment, entitlement, bitterness, or whatever, but I ate kind of crappy the next day, too. I couldn’t put my finger on why, though. I feel grateful for the challenge and this exercise (pun intended). I learned that it IS possible to not gain weight, and even lose weight, during a month as full of indulgences as December. Being forced to lose weight for this study was precisely what I needed to learn what I could do, as long as I was willing to focus and had the right incentive.

Finding Another Reason

But now I’m learning how quick I can backslide as soon as my incentive is taken away… and I don’t like it. One and a half days I allowed myself to over indulge and feel whatever negative emotion I was feeling. I’ve put a stop to that. But I still feel less motivated. I wonder… why isn’t my health and my own desires to lose weight enough reason to go after what I want? Why did it take a doctor and a clinical study to get my ass in gear?

These are the questions I’m asking myself today…

I don’t have an answer, except to say that what I want needs to be enough incentive. And lucky for me, I have the perfect motivational mantra to help me. I got through nineteen days successfully managing my weight. I did it once, so I can do it again. I WILL finish the rest of this holiday season, and this month, and this year at my clinical study goal (or less), mark my words. And I will do it for no other reason than it is WHAT I WANT.

Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe I was not meant for this study. What it was meant for was teaching me this lesson. It gave me a confidence and an empowerment to end my year strong and to start a new one with even more optimism and energy than usual.

Because we want something really should be all the reason we need to go after things. For many individualized reasons, it’s often not enough motivation. But it needs to be. What better reason than because we want it!?

So now, ask yourself: is this a good enough reason to go after what you want?

It is for me.

I stood before Kathy, frozen, as big fat tears welled in my eyes. She asked me the tough questions in her gentle, loving and non-judgemental way. I was “emoting,” as she says. All the complex emotions I often contain were intensified and spilling out of me.

“I’m stuck,” I choked.

“Okay,” she said. “Then let’s just sit with what you’re feeling.”

“I can do that?” I asked, seeking reassurance and permission to not take action; to not do anything. To stay stuck, where it was sorrowful but safe.

“Yes. Sometimes we need to simply lean into the uncomfortable.”

Kathy and I had this conversation two weeks ago. After having become a bit stagnant, the Universe saw fit to give me a good shake. It got my attention.

The New Moon was the very next day. Each new moon I write down a set of intentions for the cycle. Among those intentions I scribbled: Lean into the uncomfortable. 

Leaning

There’s something about the word ‘lean’ that is safe. In yoga we are constantly leaning into the uncomfortable, knowing full well we can pull back when the discomfort becomes too great. It is a way of challenging ourselves, yet listening to our bodies. Until Kathy suggested I lean into my emotional discomfort, I didn’t connect the two. I am often frozen in place, terrified to step into the unknown, the uncertain. I despise the discomfort. It has been my way to run from it, numb it, or viciously attack it. Like so many others, I, too have numbed my discomfort with drugs, alcohol, sex and food. I have hid from it with sleep. I have attacked it by making others feel as uncomfortable as I did.

But now, equipped with new vocabulary I intended to begin to “lean” ever so gently into that which makes me feel uncomfortable. I started small, experiencing my hunger and sitting with it, rather than rushing to satiate it. Every time I felt uncomfortable for whatever reason, I reminded myself to lean into it. I was like a child dipping a toe into water to test the temperature.

This was a start.

Earlier this week, I suffered tremendous emotional discomfort. From the moment I woke up until the moment I fell asleep I felt it. My first instinct was to call out of work, drink Nyquil and sleep the day away. In times of discomfort we so often resort back to our old patterns of behavior. But after all this work I was able to identify it as that; a pattern. So instead I said to myself, “This is uncomfortable. But we’re gonna lean into it. We’re gonna show up for life anyway.”

And so I went to work.

Throughout the day my thoughts waged war on themselves. In a desperate attempt to quiet them, I focused on my work. I knew the night would be torturous without a distraction and I couldn’t allow it to be food. So in an act of Herculean emotional effort, I signed up for a yoga class after work and promised myself I’d go. During yoga, I continued to ease into the uncomfortable, pushing my body deeper into poses, combating the thoughts that wrestled around in my mind. One of the thoughts was fear over what I would do after yoga…

I know this may seem vague, since I haven’t gone into why I was so upset. But the truth is that it’s irrelevant. If it’s not one struggle, it’s another. Life is full of them. And I need to learn how to lean into them without resorting to destructive and avoidance behaviors.

After yoga, my urge was to crawl into bed. The leaning I was doing was far from restful, and I was exhausted. But instead, I had a good cry in an effort to release some of what I was feeling – another way of experiencing my discomfort. Afterward, I took a hot shower since I knew it would do me good. I dressed comfortably and put on thick, warm socks, a healthy way of easing some discomfort. And since I have learned that life doesn’t stop when we have a hard day (as much as we wish it would), I started making the turkey chili for my work holiday pot luck.

For me, skipping the occasional meal is not an act of destruction, but one of self-care. So I did not eat dinner. I feared that once food entered my mouth, I’d ramsack my kitchen hunting for more like a shark on the scent of blood. I couldn’t risk doing this in an effort to numb my discomfort. And so I allowed myself to feel it. And in order to feel it, I couldn’t eat.

At last, I could go to sleep. I leaned into my discomfort for an entire day without resorting to old patterns of destructive behavior. As upset and exhausted as I was, I couldn’t help feeling an inkling of pride. I had dipped my toe into unfamiliar waters, and survived to tell the tale.

Unfortunately, the discomfort has not passed since. It has shifted. Once again this morning I debated calling out of work. And once again I made the decision to show up for life, fearful that staying home would enable me to wallow in my discomfort and exacerbate a lingering anxiety. I am proud of my choice and grateful for my decision.

It wasn’t until I wrote this post that I’ve realized how much most people lean into the uncomfortable on a daily basis. It amazes me, since my pattern has always been to give in or numb. Every day people with broken hearts, sadness, anger, and tremendous worries get up and show up and continue on with their lives despite their tremendous discomfort. I find it brave and I am in awe of their strength to do this.

I’m working on my leaning muscles so that I may be stronger and better at facing my problems and fears, rather than avoiding them. I will continue leaning into the uncomfortable. And when I’m ready, I will walk. But for now, it is enough simply to lean into the discomfort.

Every now and then I get the silly idea to start jogging again. This past September I started again with one simple rule; to jog further every single time I went. The first day I jogged I gave it my all and noted my distance. After a short walking break, I bargained with myself to jog the length of an avenue near my house. It sucked. But the next time I jogged, I knew I could increase the distance and run that entire avenue again. I knew for one very clear and simple reason: If I could do it once, I could do it again.  This has become my motivational mantra.

I actually hate jogging. But it’s great exercise, super beneficial and I like the idea of jogging. Over several weeks I increased my distance incrementally. Each time I jogged I burned the new distance into my mind. The next time I jogged, I directed my mental thoughts on that distance knowing full well that if I could reach it once, I could reach it again.

I practiced jogging this way until mid-October when I became terribly sick and was in bed for eight days. My cough lingered long after that. I didn’t jog. I was worried to test my lungs and dreaded the idea of starting over after having lost my momentum.

But that changed on Thanksgiving.

Although I was hosting, I found myself blessedly organized enough to get a workout in. And so I quickly got changed and tied on my sneakers before I could change my mind. Between my bedroom and the backdoor my thoughts considered how far I should go. Well, it’s your first jog post sickness so maybe just until you get tired?, one voice offered.  No, she should commit to a distance, but maybe only half of where she left off, another suggested.  Just walk and take it easy today.

As these thoughts lovingly battled it out in my brain, another voice rose above them, assertive but kind. You did it once. You can do it again.

And it was that reminder of my motivational mantra that propelled my feet to a new 2016 record despite not having jogged since mid-October. I felt glorious. Not just then, but for the rest of the day. I had never exercised on Thanksgiving before and I felt victorious. Not only did I exercise, but I once again went further than I had before.

This motivational mantra is comforting me today, too while I fast after an overindulgent extended weekend. I was discouraged and disappointed in myself last night, but today I am reminded: If I could do it once, I can do it again. I’ll get my weight back down and pick up where I left off, just like I did with jogging.

Please share: what motivational mantras do you repeat?

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Can you believe Thanksgiving is next week!? I know it’s true because the B101 radio station switched over to Christmas music yesterday and I have a list a mile long of chores to do this weekend. The holidays are officially on the mind. To make everyone’s life a tad easier, I thought I’d give an early gift in the form of a mindful holiday gift guide. Shopping for everyone on your list isn’t easy, nor is giving people ideas for yourself. So whether you’re into mindfulness, or just shopping for someone who is, there are plenty of ideas on this list to get the job done!

For the Home/Office:

1. Five Rules for Happiness Paperweight

“This humble 100% lead free pewter paperweight features five simple rules for happiness. Set it on your desk as a gentle reminder each day.”

$36.00 from Uncommon Goods

2. Buddha Board

“Buddha Board is inspired by the Zen idea of living in the moment. You simply paint on the surface with water and your creation will come to life in bold design. Then as the water slowly evaporates, your art will magically disappear leaving you with a clean slate and a clear mind, ready to create a whole new masterpiece.”

$34.95 from Buddhaboard

3. Inhale & Exhale wall prints

$6.00 for both digital prints from Etsy

4. Incense of the month club

Four 15 packs of Premium Quality Incense in different fragrances every month for 3, 6 or 12 months.

$45.00 for 3-month subscription from Wildberry

5. Soothe the Soul Yogi Candles

“Bring balance and calming energy to your home with these scented soy candles.”

$28.00 from Uncommon Goods

For the Book Lover:

6. Questions For Life: Two Year Guided Daily Journal For Intentional Living

With The Questions For Life two-year guided journal you can reflect, express gratitude, capture your happiest moment, and answer a self-discovery question in only minutes a day. Get in the habit of slowing down and reflecting on each day while getting to know yourself better. Soon you’ll be enjoying the simpler things in everyday life, living more intentionally, and feeling happier!

$18.99 from Amazon

7. Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind

“In the forty years since its original publication, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind has become one of the great modern Zen classics, much beloved, much reread, and much recommended as the best first book to read on Zen.”

$11.06 from Amazon

8. Present Over Perfect

“Written in Shauna’s warm and vulnerable style, this collection of essays focuses on the most important transformation in her life, and maybe yours too: leaving behind busyness and frantic living and rediscovering the person you were made to be.”

$13.79 from Amazon

9. Mandala coloring books

For centuries, mandalas have helped those seeking peace and inspiration find balance in their lives. Now, with Stress Less Coloring: Mandalas, you can use these sacred circles to calm your mind, relieve stress, and manage anxiety in a therapeutic way.

$9.89 from Amazon

For the Yogi

10. Recycled plaid yoga blanket

“Our thickest blanket, made of recycled fibers in Mexico, is a wool-free and economical way to support your restorative yoga practice.”

These are the blankets my yoga studio uses and there is nothing thicker or softer! You would need four of the traditional style Mexican blankets to add up to the height of just one of these. Perfect to use as a bolster in restorative yoga or to drape over yourself in savasana. One of these is on my list, too!

$39.95 from Hugger Mugger

11. Elephant Yoga Pants

“The perfect pants for yoga. Our women’s yoga pants are crazy soft and stretchy with a loose cut and elephant print accent pockets.”

$28.00 from Elephant Pants and a portion of their proceeds are donated to help save elephants!

12. The Body Temple: Kundalini Yoga for Body Acceptance, Eating Disorders & Radical Self-Love

“Written for both the total beginner and and the advanced yogi, The Body Temple: Kundalini Yoga for Body Acceptance, Eating Disorders, and Radical Self-Love guides you through a nurturing practice of yoga, meditation, mantra, and miracles”

$25.09 from Amazon

For the Fashionable

13. Meditating Sloth t-shirt

How cute is this!?

$20.00 from Etsy

For Nourishment

14. Golden Milk Chai Mix

“Jahmu Instant Golden Milk, an organic ginger-turmeric instant chai tea mix, was inspired by the traditional Indonesian elixir, Jamu, and the ancient Ayurvedic beverage Golden Milk. With its certified organic ingredients and higher concentrate of vitamins and nutrients, Jahmu Instant Golden Milk is easy to make and an excellent alternative to the time consuming task of making Golden Milk from raw ingredients.”

The quick and easy way to make golden tumeric milk!

$16.00 from Spirit Voyage

For the Body

15. Zum Bar soaps & lotions

“Open your shower doors of perception to oh-so smellacious Zum Bar Goat’s Milk Soap, the best natural high since the birds discovered the bees.”

So many fun scents and colors. Soap bars $5.95 from Indigo Wild

16. Aromatherapy stress-away stick

“A perfect size to carry with you on your travels. Apply to wrists or temples for stress-relief. Made from almond oil, jojoba oil, beeswax, pure steam distilled essential oils, gem and flower essences, Vitamin E.”

A perfect stocking stuffer! I keep one of these in my desk drawer and dab a little under my nose when I start to feel stressed. The aromatherapy calms me instantly.

$7.50 from Herbiary

I hope this list helps you cross some items off your list! Wishing you a happy, mindful, and low-stress start to the holiday season!

Ever since I started a daily journaling practice nearly two years ago I have felt significantly happier and more fulfilled. As a culture, we tend to live for the highlights of life and dwell on the lowlights. The mundane day to day blurs together in one long loop where we don’t recall what we wore or what we ate. But what if we could train our brains to reflect and find joy in every day, to live with more gratitude, and overall live with greater intention? Well, the truth is that we CAN by journaling. With only a few minutes of writing time a day, we can all feel more fulfilled, grateful and happier, which are only some of the benefits of a daily journaling practice. Following are the four components of my daily practice, which I included in the journal I created: Questions For Life: Two Year Daily Guided Journal for Intentional Living, available for sale now.

The Four Components of my Daily Practice:

Daily Reflection

I love the quote, “Don’t live the same year 75 times and call it a life.” That quote literally stopped me in my tracks the first time I read it. I vowed right then and there that I would not live the same year over and over for the rest of my life. So I purchased a 5-year journal with just enough space to jot down a few lines about each day; whatever I deemed significant or worthy of remembrance. Never once has there been nothing to write because life, thoughts, conversations, actions, news, weather, EVERYTHING happens every single day. Through the simple practice of writing down a few lines about each day, I was comforted within days. It was quite clear I was not living the same day over and over.

Now that I’m in my second year of that 5-year journal I love reflecting back on what I did that same day the year before. It’s been so lovely being reminded of things I’ve forgotten that maybe weren’t so significant. Additionally, I love reflecting on progress and changes I’ve made. Just the other day I read for 2015: Had my first “freak out” in a long time. It’s the f***ing cigarettes. I CAN’T smoke even once in a while!

How amazing to be able to follow that up the same day the following year with: I’m 113 days cigarette-free!

This is what I love about comparative journals, which is specifically why Questions For Life is to be used for two years.

Gratitude

Numerous studies show that a daily gratitude practice directly correlates to increased happiness. The rationale is simple: when you express gratitude, you focus on the positive aspects of your life and what you do have, rather than the negative aspects and what you don’t have. I express gratitude every single day. It’s become a habit. Even when I’m angry or annoyed, gratitude has become such a part of my life that I can often stop and change my mindset. For example, is work pissing you off? Well, be grateful you have a job. It can always be worse.

There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for, even if it’s fresh water or access to food. Even if you are having the worst day of your life, you can still be grateful to be alive.

Happiest Moments

Another practice of mine is to write down my single happiest moment from every day. This is not so easy on bad days, believe me. But how incredible when you witness with your own eyes that every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day. Even when I had pneumonia last month I was able to identify my happiest moments (mostly along the lines of wishing something good was on television and seeing that one of my favorite movies just started – that kind of joy.) Not everything is off the charts amazing, but there is joy in every day, even if it’s seeing a puppy on the street, finding a $5.00 bill, or laughing at a good joke.

Think of how much more fulfilling life can be if we paid more attention to the simple joys in life. This practice trains you to notice and acknowledge those happy moments.

Self-Discovery Questions

Another journal I purchased some time ago was a 5-year question a day journal where I answered a different question every day and compared my answers year to year. The questions in this particular journal were random. Some were wonderful and some were just silly, but I enjoyed the concept and found it beneficial. So when I created Questions For Life, I wrote 366 questions focused around goal setting, creativity, relationships, awareness, reflection, and other topics along those lines. Answering questions about our lives, actions, dreams, etc. makes us more self-aware and conscious of the kind of life we want to be living, and whether or not we’re taking the steps to achieve it.

Answering the questions also makes us more accountable. For example, “Did you make good use of your time today?” is a simple question you will find in Questions For Life that can quickly help you realize how you’re not living to your full potential, and where adjustments can be made. Some other questions include: “How can you be a better son/daughter?”; “What risk would you take if you knew you couldn’t fail?”; “Is your life complicated by unnecessary things?”; “Who could you pay more attention to?”; and “Have you ever invested in yourself financially?”

These are only four of the countless ways to approach a daily journaling practice. However, I found that these four components have had a tremendously positive effect on my life and outlook. I also found that keeping a journal with these components is easy and realistic since it doesn’t require a lot of time. Additionally, these components ultimately to help slow life down and break our habit of living highlight to highlight. This results in a fuller, and more fulfilling, life.

You can win a copy of Questions For Life!

Although you don’t need a copy of Questions For Life to begin your practice, it certainly is easier to have a beautifully designed journal complete with monthly motivational quotes ready to go. I am so certain you’ll love it that I am giving away three free copies!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

So please, enter for a chance to win and start your own daily journaling practice!