I know someone who has trouble being happy for me when I talk about the simpler pleasures in my life. I don’t think this person means to be envious, and I know it’s more about them than it is about me and my life, but it’s a real drag. This person has a tendency to lament the experiences of mine they deem to be lacking in their own life, and vocally wishes their life could be more like mine. If it were an acquaintance, I’d likely avoid talking to this person altogether because these conversations often result in me feeling badly. But it’s not, so I tend not to share much of these smaller positive tidbits to avoid the ensuing sad soliloquy.

I don’t need anyone to be happy for the way I live my life. It’s my life and I built it, and there’s plenty of not so great things in it as well. But I do not see the reason for anyone being made to feel badly after sharing something positive about themselves. Envy is so ugly. How sad it must feel to resent the good fortune of others.

I tend to be in awe of people. Talented writers, world travelers, highly skilled yogis and athletes, artists, humanitarians… all average people with extraordinary lives, because they built them for themselves. Who am I to resent someone for working harder on their craft, body or dreams than I?

My oldest brother and his wife spent two years traveling the world by bicycle. I hung on every blog post and word shared with me during the time they were away; fascinated by their photos, the foods they ate, the people they met. Not one second did I feel envious of their adventure. They spent five years planning and preparing. Do I experience a longing to one day see even a fraction of what they have? Of course! But is it a resentful longing? Not in the slightest.

But to say “I am happy for them” doesn’t do it justice. To say I am happy for the members of my writing group when they get published doesn’t seem adequate either. Back in October my husband and his entire family went to Florida to celebrate a cousin’s wedding. I couldn’t go due to a work function. At no point did I feel envious or lament my not being there. It would have been wonderful, of course! But I never once complained. And by then there was a new word in my vocabulary to help me to understand why.

Mudita. Sympathetic joy unadulterated by self-interest; the opposite of envy. This is what I felt reading or listening about my brother’s travels. This is what I feel when someone I know is met with success as a result of their skills and efforts. This is what I felt for my family laughing on the beach together and drinking and dancing at the wedding.

I feel joy at the expense of others. I am able to completely separate myself and my feelings and bask in the happiness of others with an open heart. Many people can, and what an incredible feeling it is to be embraced by someone who is feeling Mudita for you! These are your cheerleaders. These are your friends.

But beside every wonderful cheerleader is someone who begrudges your successes. The important thing to remember is that it’s not about you. I believe that what people envy is simply something they regret not working harder for, whether they can admit that or not. I’m sure there was a time when I felt jealous of women who have the body and clothes I desire for myself. But I realize now I wasn’t envious of their bodies, I was envious of what I perceived their lifestyles to be.

The person I mentioned earlier whom I don’t feel comfortable sharing much with? I don’t think they are resentful that I have walking buddies or can go sit and read by a fire in a coffee house on a weeknight if I so choose. They are unfortunately just disappointed by their own circumstances. It’s sad. And it’s sad that people have such a tendency to immediately compare. I have written before that one of the keys to happiness is to not assess life by what you feel you don’t have, but to look at all you DO have. And that is once again where gratitude comes in.

Imagine how much joy could be added to your own life if you were to feel genuine happiness as a result of other people’s successes and happiness? Misery begets misery. Happiness begets happiness.

So ask yourself:

If I were to ask you if you meditate, how would you interpret that question? Chances are you’d think, You mean do I sit with my legs crossed and try to be still and not think?

That would be a fair interpretation. After all, society has painted meditation in pictures like this:

Looks lovely, sure, but I don’t know anyone who meditates pantsless in a reflection pool with their head back like that – seems uncomfortable if you ask me.

Images like these can be intimidating to the novice. They paint a picture that you need serene outdoor space and solitude to meditate. The truth is you can sit down at your kitchen table right now, close your eyes and just breathe. You’d be off to a great start.

I’ve written about meditation before and I don’t want to be repetitive, so here is the link to my more comprehensive post with instructions and additional information.

My intention with this post is to reveal to you how much you already practice meditation without even realizing you do. Hear me out…

The act of meditation is wonderful for our well being; proven to lower blood pressure, relax the nervous system, relieve muscle tension, quiet the mind, and reduce anxiety, among many other benefits.

But what is the act of meditation? Meditating is what most people think it is, sitting in a chair or cross legged in silence trying to quiet the mind, but that’s only one form of meditation.

There are many other forms, countless forms! That’s because meditation occurs whenever you give something your complete concentration and attention.

Think of a project or activity you’ve done recently – perhaps you painted or built something, or tackled an arduous reorganization project; anything that required your full concentration. You didn’t think about anything that happened before or might happen later. You focused on the task at hand. Perhaps after a while you looked up at the clock and had no idea where the time went. But you didn’t worry, because you acknowledged it was time well spent. You felt… calm.

Sounds like meditation to me.

What about playing with your child? The giggling and games, the open heart? Joyous moments like these we tend to live in the moment. We don’t worry about messes or dinner, earlier arguments or future meetings. These are the moments we are fully present.

When I am out for dinner or drinks with friends talking and laughing, I am nowhere other than at that table or bar giving my full attention to the moment. These are the times we reflect on and think, I really enjoyed that. Sure, it was the company. But wasn’t it also great to not be weighed down with anxiety for the future or sadness over the past?

We can achieve these feelings even during chores! Real Simple Magazine cited that an October, 2015 study published in the journal Mindfulness reported that washing dishes can reduce a person’s levels of stress and anger by 27% – as long as it is done mindfully. Subjects were asked to focus on the act of washing (the scent of the soap, the warmth of the water, how the dishes felt) while leaving others to just do it. Those who concentrated on the task experienced the 27% reduction in nervousness and bad feelings and enjoyed a 25% boost in mental inspiration. The distracted washers experienced nothing.

This is why I say there are countless forms of meditation because meditation occurs whenever you give something your full concentration. A sport, activity, project, moment, hobby… People knit because they say it’s calming, but they get to keep moving. People play tennis because it requires their full attention but they get to blow off steam. You can meditate in so many ways! Just be all there.

If you only take away one thing from this post, let it be this: look for stolen moments of meditation and take advantage of them. Try it while you make dinner tonight or walk your dog. Allow yourself to enjoy the activity and to be present and mindful. Take in the cooking smells or the feeling of cold air on your face. Breathe. Don’t worry about what happened before or what happens after. Give your full attention to the task at hand. Take it in.

Be present. And you, too can acquire the many benefits of meditation.

People say they don’t care what others think of them, but is that ever true? Doesn’t everyone care, at least a little, what others think of them?

Whenever someone says they don’t care what others think, they are referring to the negative thoughts. It’s a defense mechanism. We don’t want to care. We know we shouldn’t. But damn, it sucks. So we play it cool and shrug it off with an, “I don’t care.”

Have you ever talked with someone and said something complimentary like, “Oh, by the way, Sally thinks you’re charming and a great musician,” only for them to say, “I don’t care what Sally thinks of me.” No. (Unless this person really doesn’t care for Sally). People don’t mind hearing the positive things that others think of them. In fact, we often appreciate it. It’s positive reinforcement and leaves us feeling good about ourselves.

What matters most, of course, is what we think of ourselves. Sure. But we also care what others think to some degree.

When I behave in such a way that leaves me feeling regret or discomfort, I stress over it for a bit. I worry what other people may think of me. (Spoiler alert: People seldom think about anyone other than themselves) But even though I know that, I’m so wrapped up in myself that I think surely, someone is thinking badly about me, and I feel embarrassed.

Curious how we can be so judgmental of our negative qualities/behaviors and not of our positive ones. I may lose sleep feeling like I screwed up. But I don’t ever fall asleep with a smile after a great night in which I behaved thinking, “Nailed it!”

I suppose that’s why learning the positive things others think of us can be so fulfilling… and surprising.

Last week I received a message out of the blue from a friend I don’t get to see or talk to as much as I’d like. She explained that she wanted to cook something new and went to the Asian market. She wrote that she was getting stressed out because she didn’t know what was she doing and couldn’t understand anything, since nothing was in English.

“Then for some reason I thought, I bet if Jess or Kathy were in this situation they would really enjoy it and just take it all in and not be overwhelmed. So I asked myself what Jess or Kathy would do. And I ended up having the best time going up and down every aisle, checking out all the live seafood, smelling all the smells, and now I can’t wait to go back! So you unknowingly brightened my day yesterday.”

This message meant a lot to me. Not because I brightened a friend’s day, but because I inspired her. As a result, she had a new experience so meaningful she felt compelled to share it.

I’ve never considered myself inspirational, not in the sense we often think of when we refer to someone being an “inspiration.” But damn, if I can inspire someone to walk around an Asian market and have a great time, then that’s good enough for me!

I loved learning that my friend thought this of me (and Kathy). I DO care. Very much. I love shopping for food, smelling it, touching it, cooking it, eating it. This passion of mine has clearly been noticed and it inspired someone.

I was perfectly happy in life enjoying food and not giving a damn if anyone knew it and needing zero acknowledgement. I supposed I worried instead if they thought I was too fat. But since my passion has been noticed and acknowledged, I’m happy to know about it.

In a world where we tend to worry what others think of us, lets let each other know the good things we think of one another. Maybe over time, we won’t care so much about the negative since we know there’s good stuff on the other side of the scale working in our favor, reinforcing that we’re not so bad after all.

Happy New Year! How’s everyone doing? I am relieved the holidays are officially over and I can finally settle back into a routine, albeit a new and re-energized one.

Although I decided not to write out resolutions for the year, it’s been quite clear already within a week where my priorities are. Therefore, I want to share with you the tools I am using and finding most helpful as I begin anew.

DIET & EXERCISE:

1. This simple little color-by-number print-out:

My brother shared this with me a little while back. In case it isn’t obvious to you yet, I LOVE CHALLENGES. I am such a fan of being challenged by something with clear rules and defined start and end dates. Also, carrots at the end of sticks keep me motivated.

This print-out is on my fridge. The rules are simple: get a minimum of thirty minutes of activity 100 days in a row. Every day you do, color in the corresponding number. Who knew coloring could be so motivating! Forget long term goals of being thin, I want to exercise so I can go home and color in a shoe!! It’s the instant gratification; the equivalent of wearing a gold star! Needless to say, numbers 1 – 6 are all colored in and I’ll be damned if I finish 100 days with an incomplete shoe.

2. Biggest Loser:

My gym does a 10-week biggest loser weight loss challenge a few times a year. You pay to join and the prize pot is quite generous! I’ve signed up.

3. Books:

I’ve hit a road block with A Course in Weight Loss, but I have committed to tackling lesson 6 again (I wasn’t happy with my first try and didn’t feel I gave it the attention it deserved) and moving on with the 21 spiritual lessons.

I’m also working my way through the exercises in The Beck Diet Solution at the suggestion of my counselor. This book represents the cognitive therapy approach that is resonating with me so much. I’m already discovering new useful tools, like my advantages response card I had to write in lesson one. This is a written list of the reasons why I want to be thin that I read a few times a day. It’s been a helpful reinforcement.

I’m also using The 3-Day Reset as my chosen diet, which is based on the concept of giving up certain foods one at a time (like processed sugar, wheat, high quantities of salt) for three days and then incorporating them back into the diet at a much smaller percentage. The philosophy reminds me of Michael Pollan’s: Eat food, mostly vegetables, not too much.

ADVENTURE:

1. Day trip/outing grab bag:

Last year I had many new experiences as I took back my life. When I reflected on my favorite memories of 2015, many of those experiences were among the top: stand up paddleboarding, a trip to Vermont, bicycling Delaware Canal State Park, full moon kayaking…

These new experiences made me feel alive; they confirmed I’m not living the same day over and over and calling it a life. So I had been thinking I should aim to visit at least one new place or to do a new activity every month. Then that idea became even better after being inspired by my brother and sister-in-law’s basket of travel dreams. I decided that in order to ensure I see and do more new things this year, I’d create a basket full of day trip and outing ideas, as well as some activities I’d like to try. Although not as significant as traveling to other countries, I think this is a great start. I’ll pull an idea at the start of every month and make sure it happens. We all know how time gets away from us. This will be my way of making sure I at least have twelve new experiences this year.

FINANCES/MINIMALISM:

1. EatByApp:

This one is to help with my desire to spend less and waste less. This is a really cool app I’ve just discovered. Have you ever forgotten about vegetables in the crisper drawer or a half ball of mozzarella sitting in water in a Tupperware in the back of the fridge or a delicious healthy dinner you intentionally made extra of to freeze but it sat too long and got freezer burned? Well, if you load your food into the app with when you want to eat it by, it will sort the contents of your fridge/freezer/pantry by the eat by date. You’ll know what to eat next and also won’t forget about food anymore.

This app is already a game changer in my house. I detest wasting food (and money).

*I promise I’m not affiliated with the EatByApp in any way. Just a big fan. 

2. #minsgame:

My minimalism challenge is in full swing with 33 participants from all over the world! I love starting the year by getting rid of crap and it’s so energizing to see so many people doing the same!

So there you have it. Six days into 2016 and this is what I’m up to.  I’d love to hear about useful tools you’re using to keep motivated. With the proper tools, so much can be accomplished. A whole lot can happen in a year.

The first and last days of the year are my favorite days of the year. On one is all the hope, excitement, and motivation the dawn of a fresh page brings. On the other, all the reflection and gratitude only the end of a last chapter creates.

Every year is another volume in an amazing chronicle detailing our lives. My 2014 Volume may be called The Darkest Days, but I’ve decided to name 2015: I Became a Better Person. 

By “better” I mean the standard definition: “less unwell; partly or fully recovered from illness, injury, or mental stress.” It’s so fitting. In 2014 I don’t think I could have felt more unwell or more mentally stressed. I was injured and ill on levels that permeated my soul and transformed me into someone I hardly recognized.

But the dawn of 2015 came and I was inspired and motivated to continue the journey I embarked on in late November, 2014. I spent the entirety of 2015 on a wonderful path, navigating my history and future, learning about myself and others, challenging myself repeatedly, picking up tools and skills, and learning from others who have walked their own paths. It was a year well spent and I am a better person for it. My heart is full of gratitude that I was able to walk this earth another year.

Between this blog, my Happiness Jar and three journals, which serve different purposes (2 of which are 5-year journals so my previous entry is directly above the new entry), I have a detailed record of the year. I will record 2016 in the same manner. I enjoy keeping these journals. They are something to learn from, but also a wonderful reminder of how far I’ve come.

And that’s so important – recognizing progress. The new year isn’t just a time for lamenting all the things we didn’t accomplish; it’s a time to acknowledge our own evolution. 2015 felt bigger and longer to me than any year before it. The daily journaling caused me to reflect on all the thousands of little things I experienced. As a result, I don’t look back on the year and see only the extreme highs and lows – I see all of it; all the small pleasures and peaceful days; minor accomplishments, as well as setbacks.

I see a year well spent.

The new year is also a time to reflect on what we set out to do at the start and assess how we did. As for my seven written 2015 goals, I only failed horribly at one — losing weight. Everything else – not too bad, I’m happy to report. Some room for improvement, but definitely not too shabby. I’ve certainly been more consistent than I ever have before and that is a tremendous accomplishment in and of itself. EVOLUTION.

As for the weight, well, at least I didn’t gain any. I’m pretty much ending exactly where I started. Although it took an entire year to figure out, I think I finally understand why I keep failing at losing weight, and what the root of the problem is. I am excited to report I will be trying some things differently. Spoiler alert: I’ve already begun. After all, isn’t the definition of crazy trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

So losing weight will be another primary goal for 2016. I may continue to write about the process from time to time because the tools I’m learning apply to all areas of life and are helpful to everyone.

As for other goals… I don’t know. And I am totally okay with that.

So many positive things have naturally become a part of my life over the past year that I don’t feel the need to express their continuation as “goals.” I know I will continue writing here weekly. I know I will continue practicing yoga and meditation, although I’d like to do both more often. I know I will continue to not smoke cigarettes regularly and will work to not do so socially, either.

I will also continue to write (my goal for 2015 was to submit three stories/essays for professional publication). Well, I submitted two.

But one of them was published! Please save the date: February 9, 2016. My story “One for the Road” will appear in Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Very Good, Very Bad Dog. That news was certainly a highlight!

I may have only submitted two stories, but I did something in 2015 that was not even remotely on my radar at the start. I participated in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and drafted a 50,000 word novel.

So yeah, that two out of three thing – I’m cool with it.

Which brings me to something else I learned this year. Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans. I’m all about goals and challenges and plans. I LOVE them. But I’ve relaxed a bit. I realize they’re more like guidelines. I didn’t submit three stories, but I drafted a freaking novel.

See my point?

Whether or not I write several goals down for 2016, I know I’ll be alright. It’s all part of the process, though, to figure that out. I know what I want to do (travel more, save more, etc.) and what I have to do (lose weight, continue writing, etc.). But write it down? I think I’ll pass this year.

I will continue to do what works, including minimizing my belongings. You may recall that last year I ran a Minimalism Challenge #minsgame created by The Minimalists. I found that starting the year by getting rid of crap and getting organized set a lovely tone for the year. (You can read about it here.)

Well, we’re playing again! Please click here to visit the Facebook event and read the very simple rules. It’s a lot of fun!

So that’s that. Tomorrow night this year will be behind us and we will wake up on Friday to a fresh page. Let’s all make it a year well spent.

Happy New Year!

It happens every year. So much to do in so little time. So many gifts to purchase, things to bake, places to go, people to see. It’s the Holidays. Stresses are high as people spend money they don’t have and worry what to buy. We face anxiety over how to appease everyone and deal with so much family. It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Well, depending on who you ask…

So far this Christmas season I have felt organized and ahead of the game. My house looks stunning, thanks to a visit last week from my father. He had never seen my house at Christmas time so I went the extra mile to show off. He may have been the stimulus for our increased efforts, but my husband and I are certainly reaping the benefits of our labors. (If you struggle with last minute cleaning and decorating, I recommend you schedule a lunch or dinner at your home with friends or family a couple weeks beforehand to put that fire under you. The bonus is that you get to enjoy your efforts longer!)

I also did a fair bit of shopping on Cyber Monday, so most of the gift buying was done, and I had a nice stress-free shopping day last weekend where I picked up a few more things. It was stress-free because it wasn’t last-minute. Also because I don’t shop based on obligation, but on desire. Obligation is a horrible chore. Sure, we all have them, but really ask yourself if what you think you “have” to do is absolutely a necessity. For example, I may not send out Christmas cards this year. GASP! If I run out of time and am feeling stressed and scribbling names as fast as I can without adding personal notes, then what’s the point? First of all, I’d be acting not out of love, but out of obligation. Secondly, I can’t imagine one person I send cards to (okay, maybe one) saying that I must send them even if it kills me. If I don’t send Christmas cards the world will keep turning and no one will think less of us (hopefully).

Said you’d bake cookies for a party this weekend? Stressing hardcore about it? You have my permission to buy them. I did this last year. I make the same brownies every year for a friend’s party and they are expected, I’m sure. I love to make them. But last year I just could not find the time and was stressing. So I bought some fancy baked goods and apologized to the hostess and told her it was for my own well-being.

Guess what happened? She said it was smart thinking and she’s glad I didn’t stress myself out over them. She didn’t kick me out, people. The party wasn’t ruined due to the absence of my famous peanut butter honey brownies. (I am making up for it this year and baking them tomorrow, though.)

I enjoy the preparation for Christmas more than the actual day itself. But mostly I’m not feeling stressed because I decided the best gift I can give is my presence, the gift of my attention, the gift of my love, the gift of myself relaxed and attentive, not stressed, exhausted and overwhelmed and acting out of obligation.

So many times I have asked certain people for no gifts, only that we spend time together. But every year I get upset phone calls from angry people venting that they have no idea what to get me and why can’t I just give them some ideas. This is so frustrating to me. Nothing like telling someone you just want to spend time with them then getting attitude for not being helpful, especially from people who should know you well enough to pick you up something without your input. But I digress.

Come Christmas, so many people are so exhausted and burnt out, they don’t even seem to care much anymore. The gifts they give aren’t what’s wrapped up or jammed into a gift bag at the last minute, but the guilt the recipient feels, because it’s so obvious how much stress and inconvenience the gift giver went through.

I am guilty of having done this, too, I admit. Christmas often feels like the end of a marathon. People are ready to collapse rather than celebrate. 

For me this year it’s all about quality over quantity and presence over presents, though. Maintaining a relaxed and mindful state will also help me to deal with those around me.

I’ve learned over the past several weeks that I have the power to be a calming force. When someone tries to dance with you, and you don’t participate, they give up and stop dancing. I practiced non-engagement with negative behaviors on Thanksgiving, and again last week during a political discussion I had zero interest in participating in. Eventually (hopefully), people realize they are dancing alone, so they stop. This is a magical, fool-proof way to deal with negative behavior and it requires nothing from yourself except non-engagement, so literally, it requires nothing. Do nothing. Stand still, don’t dance. Keep quiet, don’t breathe oxygen into a fire. The dance stops and the fire burns out.

Through high expectations and our love of consumerism, Christmas has gotten out of control. Join me this year in giving the gift of presence, and leave the exhaustion and stress and obligation on the disorderly retail shelves where they belong. Ask yourself what you enjoy most about the season and make those things your priority. See what you can do without and cross it off your list without checking it twice.

Dance if you want to, but only if it’s to some good holiday music.

A few weeks ago, the entire staff of the small nonprofit organization I work for took a field trip to a Mindfulness Institute. For two hours, we learned about and practiced mindfulness; relaxing, breathing, being present, paying attention and listening under the guidance of the Director of the Institute. Only two of us on staff had ever practiced mindfulness, so it was encouraging to be there with my colleagues. Some were more open to the experience than others, but that is to be expected.

First we took some time just being aware of our bodies in the room. Many staff confessed they felt stressed by taking two hours out of the work day and couldn’t stop thinking about everything they still had to finish. They were back in their offices, not in the airy, bright space where we were all seated in a circle, and they were feeling worse instead of better. But we practiced focusing on our bodies; our feet on the floor, our butts in the chairs, and we breathed. Our moderator reminded us that there was nothing we could do about the work because we were there in the room, a very simple fact that so often people forget. Worrying is just a waste of energy.

We also practiced mindful movement with several quigong exercises. Quigong is a holistic system of coordinated
body posture and movement, breathing, and meditation used for health,
spirituality, and martial arts training. I’m not a big fan of Quigong or tai chi, which I have also practiced a few times, but I respect their value. 

What was most profound for me was the last exercise we did, an exercise in listening. We all split up into pairs and our moderator began explaining that one of us would be given a topic to talk about and the other was to listen, only listen, and remain completely silent. She continued for a few moments about the exercise and made a point of saying, “And I haven’t told you what you’d be discussing yet because I know you’d all stop listening to me and start thinking about what you’d say.” How right she was. 

I was designated to speak first and my partner, a dedicated volunteer, was to listen to me. At last we were told to speak about something we’re grappling with. For two to three minutes I spoke about my concerns regarding the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and how I don’t really like this time of year. I found that I was talking faster and faster, not to fit more in, but because having this woman’s undivided attention somehow felt selfish, like I was wasting her time. She nodded in agreement and smiled and made other sorts of sympathetic gestures, but didn’t say a single word!

I realized that not being interrupted for two to three minutes and just being able to speak seemed so foreign, so unnatural. Do we really all interrupt with our own thoughts and questions, advice and suggestions, stories and experiences so often that speaking uninterrupted feels… strange?

Next we were told to talk about how we plan to deal with what we’re grappling with, and again I spoke uninterrupted for a minute or two. 

Then it was my turn to listen. I don’t know this woman personally. She is extremely personable and I enjoy working with her, but I realized as she was telling me about what she’s grappling with that I don’t know her at all. I listened attentively, grateful to have been given explicit instructions not to speak because once we were done, I felt as if I had given her a gift, the gift of my full attention and a chance to speak uninterrupted. In return, I felt as if I had been given a gift as well, the gift of her honesty and openness.  

Then she spoke for another minute or two about how she plans to deal with what she’s grappling with. We spoke to one another for no more than five minutes each, but before we went back to our original seats, we embraced. In under ten minutes our relationship strengthened, simply because we spoke and listened to one another. 

Someone once told me that when we interrupt someone, we are saying that what we have to say is more important than what they have to say. It is absolutely true. We want to say something so badly that we can’t just wait. In doing so, we take control of the conversation, like a passenger taking control of the wheel of a car. 

But what about active listening? We talked about that after the exercise as a group. I said, “At no point did I want to make the conversation about me by telling a similar story, or offer advice, but I did feel the urge to agree or ask a question.” Many of us have been told to ask questions to express our interest. It is a social tool we all use to engage in conversation.

The Director’s response to this will stay with me. She explained that when we ask questions, we take control of the conversation. Now the speaker feels obliged to answer our question, redirecting them from their thought process and what they may have said. 

It blew my mind. 

I don’t want to be a crappy listener. Being given the chance to speak uninterrupted about what I was grappling with gave me the chance to formulate all my ideas about what I was feeling. Had my partner asked me a question, I would not have found it rude. It’s what we do. But in answering, I would have switched gears and allowed her to take control of the wheel and steer my thoughts in a direction of her choosing. I understand this now. For now on, I will practice holding my questions until whomever I’m listening to has stopped speaking.  

There was one other thing I took away from the exercise that I’d like to share. It occurred to me that no one in that room raised their hand and said, “But I’m not grappling with anything.” 

We are ALL grappling with something. In practicing mindfulness, I think it is skillful to keep this in mind. Remembering that no one is immune to suffering creates room for compassion and kindness. 

Greetings from Nockamixon State Park in Pennsylvania! I am typing this post from my corner in the common room at the hostel I am staying at with four fellow South Jersey Writers.

I am thrilled to report that I have hit the 25,000 word mark for NaNoWriMo. I promised myself I would not do anything else until I hit that milestone, so I’m finally taking a break from my novel and updating you with my progress. I have written 8,140 words since arriving Friday night and many of them are decent. I slowed it down immensely, going back to my preferred style of writing (which includes self-editing) and focused on content rather than word count.

But enough about that.

Did you know it was from this very hostel in the woods that I launched this blog last November? Yes, she turns one this month! I am filled with excitement and pride. With this blog I took an idea and turned it into something real. I committed to jumping in and launching it, unsure if I could really sustain it or if anyone would read it, and if they did, what they would think of me. I did it anyway and for one solid year I have nurtured and fed and watered this blog, and in return it has given me a sense of purpose and has helped me grow from seed to seedling.

I had wanted to start this blog for a while before I actually did. Something delayed me and it had nothing to do with content or desire.

It had to do with my weight.

I wanted professional photos for when I made my debut as a blogger. I wanted to lose weight first so I kept putting off the photo shoot. I delayed a major goal of mine because I thought I was too fat to have my photo taken.

In some fortunate moment of clarity, I decided to finally have the photos taken anyway. The one of me in the sidebar and on the “About” page are from that shoot. It was taken last November. I weigh more now than I did in those photos, most unfortunately. But I tell you that because if I didn’t realize how silly it was and kept waiting to be thinner before having my photos taken in order to launch a blog, I would still be waiting an entire year later.

See my point?

Thank you so very much for being a part of my journey this past year. Loyal readers are what energized this blog and helped push me to improve so I’d have experiences to share. Your comments and support have encouraged me immensely. Thank you, sincerely. I am so grateful for your support. I am excited for the year ahead as we continue to nurture our seedlings and grow together. This blog isn’t going anywhere, but up.

Sitting here it is not lost on me that last November I started this blog and this November I am drafting a novel. In the span of one year I have taken control over the pursuit of my dreams and I am exponentially happier as a result. That’s the journey: to be happier and live a more meaningful life.

A more official birthday post will be coming on November 22nd, this blog’s official birthday, so stay tuned. Thank you for bearing with me during NaNoWriMo, the part of the journey when I pull off to the side of road and write furiously for a month.

I’ll be packing up and heading back on the metaphorical road in December.

Much love and gratitude to all of you.

Being that November is National Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), I am hard at work drafting my first fiction novel (it is both daunting and exciting three days in). In order to help me prioritize on that writing, my good friend, Kathy offered to write another guest post.

In my last post, I wrote about feeling stuck and used a metaphorical room as an example. The post stemmed further discussion between Kathy and I and she raised many wonderful points about our need for a safe room when we do scary things, like work on ourselves. Following is her take on being stuck; things that had not occurred to me before, but left me feeling much better about my need for a safe room.

What if being stuck were only a physical condition, and our minds are free? What if the room that we‘re sitting in has no roof? So when I lean back, snuggled up with a soft blanket on a comfy couch, I take a deep breath, and look up at the stars? I need the safety of those four walls many times. Especially when I am doing the incredibly difficult work of self-analysis, growth, and personal expansion.

By Kathy M.

Instead of running away from something or running towards something, what if we just need a room to hang out in? A room that is familiar and safe. A room that allows free expression, as we move furniture and repaint walls and learn to see the new in the familiar?

I have learned to recognize the stages of personal growth to include needing that safety room. Needing to remain steady. To remain in a place of what seems like inaction when, in fact, I am gathering strength. I am training for the next big leap. Because growth is HARD. Growth takes energy. Growth is very close to grieving. It can be exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time.

Personal freedom is an interesting concept. A room can feel safe to one person and like a prison to another. What makes the difference? To the outsider looking in, there may not seem to be a difference. And yet that to me is the definition of personal growth. When we have evolved in our thinking, in our processing, when we can see the same situation on a deeper level; we are transforming ourselves.

I believe life situations that spark emotions of dissatisfaction are ripe with opportunity for investigation of one’s self. Asking why. Why is this bothering me? Why am I not at peace? Many times we externalize our pain so that it is the job or the husband or the friend who has made us feel stuck. I believe most of the time we are simply projecting onto someone or something else that which we are not ready to see in ourselves.

Byron Katie supports the idea of questioning, which Jessica has written about before in this link. If a thought or belief is bothering us, we need to sit and examine it. We need to use turn-arounds to help us see what we are not willing to see. A Course in Miracles teaches us that we are all living in our own movie. All of the people in our lives that hurt us or love us, or have something to teach us are only mirrors walking around us, fulfilling a spiritual agreement to help us grow and evolve spiritually. We are not only the star of our own movie; we are in fact the director and the writer. The key is to remember that our suffering is only the projected movie. When we separate from God, the true source and love—we suffer. When we are connected to that source—when we remember we are love; we are at peace.

Oprah recently featured a new series on her TV network called Belief, which explored humankind’s ongoing search to connect with something greater than ourselves. “What do you believe?” she asked at the beginning of each episode in a voice-over to stunning cinematography. The series followed individuals to various countries around the world, with various religions and spiritual beliefs, to uncover the very human experience of how we form our lives around our beliefs.If we believe we are inherently broken, how does that shape us? If we believe we are a blessed child of God, how does that shape our lives instead?

I believe having a support network is vital to any change. Facing our fears and taking action in spite of them is one of the most challenging decisions any of us can make. When we have to take that type of step without a support network, it not only feels utterly frightening, we risk traumatizing ourselves. If we don’t cushion ourselves to have a ‘soft landing’ after experiencing a heart wrenching experience, we can feel even more stuck than before. I have always told friends that as long as we are moving forward, even using ‘baby steps’ as my mother would advise, we are moving in the right direction. And I have always believed U-turns are permitted.

Yet remaining in one place externally doesn’t mean that we are not challenging ourselves; it doesn’t mean we’re not growing or progressing. I think sometimes there’s too much emphasis, particularly from those with privilege (a spouse or family member that can financially support one person following their dream for example) who have access to an audience, to persuade their listeners to ‘follow their dreams.’ Get that divorce, quit that job. I disagree.

Once it’s no longer about the husband or the boss, make whatever decision feels right. However I do believe that until we can come to a place of peace within those difficult situations, we will only repeat our patterns again with a new partner and a new boss.

The lessons that we are meant to learn don’t change over our lifetime. Many times I wish they did. Many times I encounter a familiar cross I have borne with complete and utter despair at recognizing it again. I thought I had that figured out already, I whine to myself. Discovering ourselves and what makes us tick is our life’s work. We all have an onion with endless layers to peel back. Unfortunately, as much as I have wished it, we never do get to trade in our onion for a different one. We simply continue to peel back those layers; sometimes encountering new revelations, many times revisiting lessons which we need to go back to and dig a bit deeper.

I have made dramatic jumps in my life, thinking that it would allow me to follow my dreams and lose my onion for good. This action is generally applauded by others. It can be inspiring for others to watch someone take the leap themselves. I have found after many jumps, bumps and jolts that no matter what we do to run away from our onion, it is always quietly waiting for us once we land.

So how do we believe that anything and everything is possible? Especially if we were not raised with that mindset? Watching the personal journeys through Oprah’s series illustrated the many paths that people have taken to connect with that very concept. For those of us who have experienced any type of trauma in our lives, we have a lot of soul cleansing to do. Love and forgiveness are two practices that can pave the way. Yet they are not singular emotions. To love and forgive anyone who has hurt us is an ongoing process. ‘One and done’ will not work. A Course in Miracles teaches that if an action is not one of love, it is a call to be loved. If we can love our husband as we ask for divorce; if we can love our boss as we hand in our resignation, that is where our own belief in our self grows.

Anyone we are unable to love or forgive is simply a projection of a piece of ourselves that we are unable to love or forgive. When we can recognize that — when we can remember that we are in this movie of our lives, so that we can wake up and discover the peace that already resides in us—when we can love and forgive ourselves; that is when we can sit in our room and feel peace. 
 

Stuck is a terrible state of mind.

To be perfectly honest, I have felt stuck for quite some time despite all the work I’m doing. I suppose someone who isn’t stuck wouldn’t embark on a journey such as this, so perhaps this comes as no surprise.

For me, stuck feels as if I’ve been confined to one room. I have cleaned the room, painted it, decorated it, re-arranged it… I’ve done all I can think of to make it suit me and help make it more habitable… to help it make me happy.

Then I decide it just won’t do, so I pack it all up to prep for my departure. There’s a door, plain as day. But despite feeling stuck, I’m used to the room. It’s familiar. I don’t know what’s outside the door, so I unpack my belongings and remain, temporarily relieved by my decision. But in no time I’m back to coming up with new and creative ways to change the space, repeating the cycle over and over, remaining within those four walls…

That’s what it’s like to be stuck. Be it a job, relationship, location… it happens to the best of us. We acknowledge we don’t like our situation, so we try our best to change it in the safest ways we know because we’re too afraid to abandon it completely, no matter how much we may tell ourselves otherwise.

Becky Vollmer of You Are Not Stuck understands this state of mind all too well. She, too was once stuck. Stuck in the wrong marriage and the wrong job, drinking too much to help her cope. On her website she asks:

• Do you wake up in the morning dreading the day ahead?

• Do you continue unhealthy or unproductive habits and patterns, even though you know they’re not moving you forward?

• Do you feel powerless to control your future? Do you feel bound by your past?

• Do you ever wonder how on earth you got to such an unhappy place?

• Do you have a mental laundry list of reasons why you CAN’T POSSIBLY
  change your circumstances (“I can’t afford to…”, “I don’t know how…”,
  “People would laugh/be angry/think I’m crazy if…”)?

• Do you talk yourself
  out of a dream before you take even a tiny step toward it?

If your answers are ‘yes,’ you are stuck, too.

Unsticking is HARD. It’s hard because it requires a massive jolt, like from an engine forcing the rusted cogs of  an ancient mighty machine to life, dust raining down while the walls shake with deafening duress. It takes something BIG.

Sometimes it feels as if we require a sheer force of nature to unstick us. We can’t muster the tremendous courage it takes so we plan and prepare, much like I’ve been redecorating and packing my little metaphorical room, and then wait for the Universe to do the rest. This has been my strategy. I truly believe that things happen when they are meant to and that everything that needs to happen, happens.

The Universe, and time, has managed to help unpeel me a little bit. I’m like an old Post-it that was moved around so much that the sticky stuff wore off in one corner, never to stick completely again. Knowing I can flutter in a strong wind is incredibly liberating and empowering. Over time, I’ll continue to unstick little by little.

Some people possess the tremendous courage to unstick themselves all at once, like the swift pull of a Band-Aid. My brother, Joey recently did this when he quit his well-paying job to pursue his passion of creating his own schedule, helping people out, and working outdoors.

It seems people like my brother and Becky Vollmer possess two characteristics:

• Courage to take a chance
• Faith that things will work out

Becky writes that “the path to getting unstuck starts with changing our mindset… reframing
the questions… repatterning our actions. And it’s never too late to
start.” She writes that it’s about:

• Believing that anything – and everything – is possible.

• Having the confidence to walk toward our dreams, even if the first steps are on tiptoe.

• Trusting our instincts and intuitions about what feels wrong – and, more importantly, what feels right.

• Understanding that we have the power to change the direction of our
  circumstances and our futures, believing that we do indeed have choices
  and then finding the courage to make them.

• Knowing the difference between obligation and opportunity.

• Being able to say “no” with grace to the things you don’t want in your
  life so that you can say “yes” with enthusiasm to those you do.

After writing this post, I realize I’m further on my way to becoming unstuck than I thought. I have been unsticking myself, albeit slowly, for the past year. I see now the act of creating this blog and starting on this journey was an act of unsticking, in and of itself. I was scared when I started this blog. I worried what people would think. But I found the courage and I took a chance.

And now I’ve found the courage to pursue my dream of writing a novel – to give it a shot for a minimum of one month. I believe writing a novel is possible and I’m going to walk toward that dream. I recognized the opportunity in National Novel Writing Month and I am saying “no” to some things in my life in order to prioritize this goal.

There are aspects of my life where I’m more stuck than others. For example, I still feel very stuck in my body, continuing unhealthy and unproductive habits and patterns, even though I know they’re not moving me forward. I’m trying. I’m also aware where I’m stuck. Hopefully that’s half the battle when it comes to being stuck, too.

Do you know where you’re stuck?

I don’t have the answers for becoming unstuck. All I know is that we need to be brave and go after what we want. First we have to know what that is, though. So if you’re unhappy, try to hone in on what it is that’s making you unhappy. When we’re depressed, it’s easy to become dissatisfied with everything. I know from experience. So, try to focus on each separate aspect of your life and determine what changes can be made more simply to begin unpeeling yourself from a sticky situation. Once a corner is peeled back, you may find the rest of the unsticking to be easier.

Also, be sure to check out You Are Not Stuck for inspiration and/or like it on Facebook for everyday encouragement to becoming unstuck.

Together, with support, we can help each other to become unstuck.