I have to work an event on Saturday and I’m really dreading the long night on my feet. Adding insult to injury, my husband and his family will be in Florida attending a wedding in Palm Beach. I can’t go, thanks to this obligation.

I’ve accepted the fact I can’t go to Florida with little complaining. I’ve also accepted I must attend this event. What I won’t accept is the feeling of dread, which is a crummy, useless emotion and a waste of energy. What dread does is take something you’re already apprehensive about and place it in the foreground of your thought. Whether it’s a test, a test result, a conversation, or an event, dread doesn’t achieve anything but dampen life leading up to the big moment, which won’t come any faster or slower no matter how hard you wish it away or to hurry up.

The trick is to give yourself something to look forward to immediately after the thing you’re dreading. A carrot, if you will! You need to be able to look forward to that thing more than you dread the thing before it. This way you can keep your eye on the prize!

I’m not really dreading Saturday. In fact, I am looking forward to going home after the event, washing up, rubbing cream on my feet, putting on the comfiest clothes and softest socks, and drinking celebratory cranberry wine with my friend, Kathy, whom is staying at my house after the event.

I am also looking forward to waking up on Sunday to the realization that the event is behind me. I am looking forward to an autumn morning walk around the lake near my house, followed by soft boiled eggs and rustic bread for breakfast. Then, once Kathy heads home, I will have the house to myself for most of the day. I plan to start watching Downton Abbey and enjoy a large homemade chopped antipasto salad for lunch.

You can see I’ve given this some thought — sure beats thinking about how much I don’t want to work this event. The comfy clothes and wine are the metaphorical beer waiting for me at the finish line. Hmmm, maybe I’ll make myself a Bloody Mary on Sunday, too!

So that’s my secret. Don’t dread it — plant a carrot! It really works to have something positive overshadow the negative. Instead of dread, you end up with anticipation. Reward yourself for getting through it. And if it what you dread is emotionally taxing, like a tough conversation, you’ll be so glad you planned something nice and comforting for yourself. Your future you will thank your past you for such a kind gesture once the moment of comfort arrives.

If you’re not dedicating time and effort to your dreams, you’re delaying them from happening. It’s as simple as that. 

There are hundreds of reasons why we procrastinate pursuing our dreams, many of them having to do with the voices in our head.

Am I scared? Yes. Do I have time for this? No, not really. Am I ready? Nope. But in order to realize them, we must make our dreams a priority. NaNoWriMo is the perfect time because I am able to take a lofty goal and make it a S.M.A.R.T. goal, as in it’s: specific (draft a novel), measurable (50,000 words), attainable (sure, why not), realistic (technically, yes) and timely (one month).

Support is so important, but not required. Thankfully, my husband is on board. That isn’t to say I wouldn’t pursue this if he wasn’t, but it makes life easier. He understands the time commitment and we know we need to work together. There is also so much support during NaNoWriMo from other writers, including writing events, challenges, word wars, etc. If you want to participate, check out NaNoWriMo.org, search on your region (anywhere in the world) and find events happening in your area. 

I believe my dream is worth one month of prioritization. Yes, it will be challenging, but I know I can do hard things. It’s time to stop delaying and get started, which is often the hardest step. There are a hundred excuses for not doing this, but only one why I should. This is my dream and it’s worth it! That one reason outweighs all the others so it’s time to jump in and put fingers to keyboard. I have roughly three weeks to plan and then it’s go time. 

What is your dream? Silence the voice of excuses, face your fear, claim your time, make the pursuit a priority and GET STARTED. Your dream is worth it. 

YOU are worth it.  

In August I wrote a list of ten things you can do to feel better when you’re feeling crappy. Things like be gentle to yourself, eat well, avoid negativity, etc. All great things and all proven to help you feel better. I stand by all of them. But sometimes those just aren’t enough. So here to help are ten more mood-boosting tips to feel better.

But what about when you practice all those things regularly and life is generally going good and then you go to the store to buy a salad for dinner and there are soft pretzels at the counter and you sort of black out and buy one and then eat it as you walk down the street and then you’re on the train and you realize you’ve ruined your healthy-eating streak and all your hopes for the evening are ruined and instead of cooking and writing and paying bills you want to lay on the couch like this…

Do check out Hyperbole and a Half and the artist responsible for this photo

…while shaking an angry fist in the air with a word bubble that says “Damn you, Pretzel! Goddamn you straight to HELLLLLLL!”

We as people have a tendency to wallow in our funks. When we feel depressed, nothing is appealing so getting out of the funk can be difficult. It takes energy, which is in short supply, hence why we tend to lay around on the couch.

But to those of us who know the mood is only temporary and that we’ll most likely regret “wasting” time once we feel better, it’s skillful to pro-actively take steps to defeat the funk and feel better instantly.

Lucky for me I had just accidentally carbo-loaded (which got me into this funk). Note: I know there’s nothing really wrong with a pretzel; all in moderation – yeah, I know, but I was on a really good streak and processed white flour often sends me into a carb binge. Back to the carbo-loading: so even though I did lay like a slug for a bit, I did have physical energy, just no mental desire or motivation because I was mad at a pretzel myself.

It’s times like this when you need to do something that works instantly!

10 Mood-Boosting Tips to Feel Better Instantly

1. Listen to happy music

One of many days I was angry with my husband, I decided I wanted to stop being angry, so I fired up Spotify’s Mood Booster playlist. I felt better instantly (and kind of silly listening to such happy-go-lucky music). Anyway, when he came in the room I changed my mind and decided I did still want to be mad so I prepared to say something not nice, took a deep inhale, and instead I STARTED LAUGHING. I just couldn’t be mad. It was too ridiculous to be mad when Pharrell’s “Happy” was playing in the background. Then he started laughing and asked why I was listening to such crappy music and I said, “Don’t knock it. Pharrell’s the reason you’re not being yelled at right now.”

We often want to listen to music that matches our moods. Sad music for a broken heart, hardcore for when we’re angry. Happy, fun music tricks the brain into having a good time. So build a playlist full of whatever floats your boat, or use one of the many playlists that already exist to get you feeling better in no time.

2. Phone a friend!

Tell them you feel bummed and ask them to help you feel better. A good friend will happily oblige. Or at the very least distract you long enough to forget why you’re feeling crappy. My go-to friend has a way of tricking me into saying what I wanted to do and then making me PROMISE I’ll go do that. Ugh, it’s so annoying.

3. Exercise. Get those endorphins flowing.

Yes, this was on the other list, but it bears repeating for its instant results. Go for a jog, hit the gym, take a walk, drop in for a yoga class. Just MOVE. If you’re feeling crazy, you can even combine #1 and #3 and listen to happy music while you run – now that’s just insane mood boosting right there!

4.CREATE something… ANYTHING. Bake, cook, build, paint, collage, write, sew.

This is so fulfilling, distracting AND rewarding. Doing an activity will take effort so ask for help if you need it. The night of ‘the pretzel incident’ I said to my husband, “I want to cook for the week and bake banana bran muffins, but i don’t have the motivation.” He said I should do it and offered to clean everything up afterward. Having help was enough to get me started and once I got started, I felt so much better.

5. Watch a movie – something funny or feel-good – or one of your favorites.

Television and movies are also distracting and can be very mood-enhancing depending on what you watch. So turn on the tube, binge-watch some Netflix, or pop in a movie and slug it up on the couch until the mood boosting powers kick in.

6. Read – escape to another world.

I am currently reading Jenny Lawson’s new book, Furiously Happy. It’s funny and entertaining. I read it once I was done cooking and baking so I wouldn’t start feeling crappy again.

Similar to movies, books are distracting and reading is a wonderful way to not so much boost your mood, but to forget why you’re in a poor mood. 

7. Practice gratitude.

Yes, this was on the other list, too BUT it bears repeating due to its instantaneous mood-boosting power.

I was mad at a pretzel myself. I considered letting it ruin my entire night. (by the way, I’m fully aware of how completely ridiculous this is.) What if it was my last night on earth? There are people who are starving and have no access to food. There are people who have no money for food. I live in a place where pretzels are sold at check out counters and I don’t even have to think about how much they cost, I just swipe my card and go on my way. I struggled with a pretzel because I am overweight because I have too much access to food. My “problem” was so ridiculous.

Compare yourself to those less fortunate and I guarantee you’ll feel better about your current situation.

8. Meditate

Stop thinking about what’s bothering you. Sit in silence. Try to clear your mind, be in the present moment. Meditation helps you to refocus.

The pretzel was in the past. It was time to let go and stop worrying about it. Life goes on. It’s all good.

9. Go somewhere.

In your pajamas at 2:00 pm slugging on the couch feeling sorry for yourself? Nothing else appeals to you? Brush your teeth, throw on some jeans, run a comb through your hair and GO SOMEWHERE. Get some fresh air. Drink a latte and people watch at your favorite cafe, drive to the beach, grab a beer at a bar, go sit in a park.

The act of getting dressed and out of the house alone is enough to make you feel that you didn’t squander your day. Besides, you never know what you may see, how you may feel inspired, or who you might meet. At the very least, you got some fresh air.

10. Cuddle your pup! Or your cat (if that’s your sort of thing.) No pets? Watch funny or cute videos of animals.

I could create a list within a list and provide 9 reasons you should cuddle your dog more often. But instead, I’ll just link to this wonderful list since someone else already made one.

No pets? But still like to laugh at them? Then take your mind off of how you think you may have failed at life, and instead watch this wonderful video of dogs failing at being dogs. I dare you not to laugh.

You’re welcome.

If you feel down, and you are mindful enough to acknowledge it, then you’re mindful enough to do something about it. Now you have ten tips in your toolbox. 

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Wonderful readers, I am headed toward a perfect week! A “perfect” day for me is one in which I have exercised, eaten only foods that are good for me, meditated, and not smoked any cigarettes. (I confess I have taken up the occasional cigarette on weekends when socializing and it needs to STOP.) A “perfect” day may still be one in which I felt emotional upset or experienced something bad, but as long as I accomplished those four things, it can be dubbed ‘perfect.’ I keep careful track and I am so excited that this is finally happening!

For some of you, this may seem like no big deal, but I have never been skilled at consistency. I need this perfect week to prove to myself that I can do hard things, and to get some traction. I feel amazing – energized, happy, proud, relaxed, hopeful – my body is loving it and working at full efficiency. I lost 3.3 lbs. so far this week. Everything is working as it should, proving once and for all that I am the only thing holding me back from my goals. Achieving this perfect week puts me on a whole different playing field. It means I am ready to perform at a higher level. It means I CAN DO THIS!

I have been attempting the coveted perfect week all year. What makes this week different? I will tell you one thing; it sure as hell has nothing to do with luck. And it had nothing to do with bad luck either all the times I screwed up. It has only had to do with ME. My lack of willpower and discipline. My excuses.

We have a tendency to look for excuses when we fail: bad luck, Mercury retrograde, so and so pissed me off, unexpected plans, bad news, etc. It takes the responsibility off of ourselves and puts the blame elsewhere so we can justify our actions (or lack thereof). In doing so, we make ourselves a victim. But we’re not at the mercy of what other people do to us, or bad luck, or poor timing or anything else. We are responsible for our actions and whether or not we plan accordingly.

I am taking responsibility right now by saying that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY SUCCESS THIS WEEK! I have worked really, really hard managing my triggers and shortcomings and not giving in to weakness and emotions or laziness and excuses. I have meal-planned, cooked, worked out when I was tired, made time for meditation, and practiced discipline using all the tools at my disposal and everything I have learned so far from A Course in Weight Loss.

I have gotten ahead of tricky situations by planning offensively. I went out for Thursday night football this week. I succeeded in not drinking like a fish or eating my weight in nachos because I mentally prepared myself in advance. I decided I was not going to let one night out ruin my perfect week. Football and bad menu choices are not valid excuses. It was HARD. I left the restaurant feeling weary, but victorious.

Successful people don’t succeed because they have good luck. Unsuccessful people aren’t “unlucky.” Let’s give credit where it is due. My brother and sister-in-law are currently retired and traveling the world. They don’t have amazing luck – they planned for that goal for five years.

There’s an amazing side effect that occurs once you realize that luck is not responsible for your success. You can RELAX.

For most of my life, I felt incredibly anxious whenever things were going well. I was much more comfortable when things were bad; it was comforting. When they were good, I waited for my luck to run out. A friend of mine said to me thirteen years ago, “You’re not waiting for the shoe to drop, you’re waiting for the entire shoe factory to drop.” That always stuck with me. He was right. That fear is what prevented me from getting comfortable in relationships, and caused me to behave in self-destructive ways. Causing my own misfortune helped me to feel like I had control over my life.

But now I finally know that I am in control. Bad things can and will happen, but I am in control of how I handle those situations and whether or not I allow them to derail me. I am not a victim of circumstance. Nor are you.

You, and only you, are responsible for the outcomes in your life.

The concept of happiness as an achievable goal, something we can deliberately cultivate through practice and effort, is fundamental to the Buddhist view of happiness. One way to foster happiness is to practice gratitude by bringing the qualities of love and appreciation to life.

We’ve all been taught to “be grateful” for any number of things: the air in our lungs, the food on our tables, our good health; but the truth is we tend to take these things for granted and focus on complaining and comparing.

I touched on this back in December in my post: “Increasing the Happiness Baseline” when I wrote:

In times of joy, this is simple. After buying a new car it’s easy to be grateful for your job that compensated you well enough to purchase a new car. When you’re laughing with your family, it’s easy to stop and think, “wow, I am so grateful for my amazing family.” When you feel well, it’s easy to be grateful for your good health.

But what about when things aren’t so great? What about when your car is broken down and you have no money for repairs, you hate your job, your family is fighting, and you have painful arthritis? Expressing gratitude isn’t so simple. It takes effort.

This is where comparing yourself to those less fortunate can be skillful. You might then be able to express gratitude for at least having a car, job and family, and remembering that there are worse conditions than arthritis.

Phillip Moffitt, founder of the Life Balance Institute and Buddhist meditation teacher, wrote for Dharma Wisdom that “gratitude is the sweetest of all the practices for living the dharma in daily life and the most easily cultivated, requiring the least sacrifice for what is gained in return.”

It only takes a moment to express gratitude, but the benefits are long-lasting. Moffitt continues:

Cultivating thankfulness for being part of life blossoms into a feeling of being blessed, not in the sense of winning the lottery, but in a more refined appreciation for the interdependent nature of life. It also elicits feelings of generosity, which create further joy. Gratitude can soften a heart that has become too guarded, and it builds the capacity for forgiveness, which creates the clarity of mind that is ideal for spiritual development.

I can personally speak to gratitude’s ability to foster forgiveness. Since I started making it a part of my daily practice, I am more forgiving of people, including myself, and situations. I bounce back from frustration much quicker. Train delayed? Well, at least it got me to work safely. Mom pissed me off? Well, I could have lost her to breast cancer many years ago. I’m grateful she is still around to piss me off. I overindulged and ate foods that don’t love me? At least I recognize that and I’m no longer beating myself up, caught in a vicious self-destructive cycle of shame and regret. Things can be worse.

There is an opportunity to express appreciation in every situation. No matter what. At the very least, you are still alive, and that is huge. At the very least, there is an opportunity to learn, and that is significant. Still stumped to find something you are grateful for? Then be grateful that you are trying. It’s not always easy.

It takes upwards of 21 days to create a habit. Expressing gratitude is called a practice because it literally takes effort to train your mind to begin to think this way.

Thankfully, I know of a place where you can practice. That place is the Facebook group: Appreciation Destination, a public group created by my dear friend after a meeting at the Buddhist Sangha of South Jersey where the moderator that evening, David Clark, asked that we all share something we are grateful for. Every day, members publicly share three things they are grateful for. If you are interested in strengthening your appreciation muscle, join our group, share, or at least read what others are grateful for. You may see that most of it resonates with you, and begin to identify more areas of your life for which you feel grateful.

Gratitude is an important part of my daily practice. If we actively focus on the positive aspects of our life, we tend to be happier and more compassionate. If you are interested in sharing your gratitude, being uplifted, and maybe even inspired by the gratitude of others, I would recommend checking out this group. – David Clark

I hope to see you there.

We all want to support our best friends and closest loved ones the best we know how. We also want to feel supported by them in return. It’s not always easy though, because just like how we all speak different primary love languages, I realize we all speak different primary support languages. Do you know how you feel best supported? Do you know your go-to support method when you’re the one doing the supporting?

Many of us lean towards one of two directions, I think. Borrowing my friend Kathy’s words, I will refer to these methods as “Mom” and “Dad.” For example, in times of stress or sorrow, do you have a tendency to skip over sympathy and jump right in with advice or attempt to come up with ways to solve the problem? That’s the ‘Dad’ method. Or are you a hugger, back rubber, and more likely to sympathize and listen? That’s the ‘Mom” method. (Yes, I am generalizing.)

I have had a tendency to crave the ‘Mom’ method for myself when I’m hurting, but speak the ‘Dad’ method when offering support. I am action-oriented. When I am clear-headed, I am a problem solver. But when I’m not, like when I’m upset, I don’t want to answer questions and take advice. That kind of support often makes me feel worse. When I’m upset I want a great big hug and to be told everything will be okay, or something like “Damn, Jess, that (insert any of one million upsetting things here) really sucks and I’m sorry that happened.” Oftentimes the offer to beat someone up for me makes me smile and speeds up the healing process. Oh, and a good joke.

I know this because I have been thinking about support a lot lately. At times I have felt poorly supported, but it has recently occurred to me: Have I made it clear how I want to be supported? Have you? I also realize I have been a crappy supporter at times, not for lack of trying, but for lack of offering what the person needed. 

As I become more mindful and practice listening (really listening), I have worked on doing two things:

1. Expressing my expectations (saying how best to support me):

Recently I wanted to confide something to Kathy, but I hesitated because Kathy has a tendency to ask tough questions and make me do work, like hard work, that I wasn’t interested in doing yet because I was still processing. She’s not so much ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’, but more like ‘High Priestess/Therapist/Earth Angel’.

So I said, “Kathy, I want to tell you something, but I don’t want to do The Work and I don’t want to answer a lot of questions.” Then I told her ‘something’, and she supported me perfectly, exactly the way I needed because she is an amazing friend. I think she would have supported me the same even if I hadn’t told her what I needed, but it was better for me to be clear, I think. And even though I didn’t ask her to offer to beat someone up for me, my wonderful, petite friend offered anyway.

Don’t worry so much about how people will interpret your expressing your expectations. Communication prevents confusion. Several days later Kathy and I were still on the topic of support and she said with a laugh, “People judge way more when they don’t know what the fuck’s going on.” She’s right.

2. Being ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’:

People like to vent; it’s good for them. Most people, in my experience, don’t want you to help solve their problems, at least not right away. Most people want to be heard, and they want their problem validated, whether you consider it deserving or not. Validation does not mean you agree or approve. Validation is simply recognition. I may not consider a stained expensive shoe worth getting upset over, but I can at least recognize how that could be upsetting.

I have oftentimes made upsetting matters far worse by failing to be supportive in the way someone needed. For example, my mom has a lot of physical pain and she often breaks down in conversation because it is upsetting and debilitating to be in pain all the time. I often failed to sympathize with her. I would jump right in with suggestions. “Did you try this? Did you try that?” Since she wasn’t in the mood for advice and suggestions, she’d often get more upset and then I’d accuse her of not helping herself and we’d both wind up feeling awful. I see now she only needed someone to listen and be sympathetic.

Now I try harder to be ‘Mom’ first by sympathizing and listening, even though it isn’t my inclination. I also try to empathize by putting myself in their shoes.

Afterward I ask if there’s anything I can do, and I offer the obvious. “I can call a few dry cleaners in the area and see if they can get the stain out?” Whether my help or advice is requested or accepted, I make it known I am available for help or to listen.

I’m trying to be a more supportive person. But I still struggle when I don’t feel supported. I know I need to be able to support myself, but that still doesn’t take away the desire to feel supported by my loved ones. I also know the root of suffering is attachment and I’m attached to my desire to be supported in certain ways. I have tried making it clear, but what happens when you explain how you’d like to be supported, and you still don’t receive that support? That’s where the suffering comes in.

What about support over dreams and goals?

If you were about to rock climb a tall wall, would you want:

a. Someone at the top reaching for you to pull you up?
b. Someone below you, giving you a boost?
c. Someone alongside you taking every step with you?
d. Someone on the ground cheering you on?
e. Someone at home who gave you the space to do this on your own?

I feel best supported when I am encouraged and when there is an expressed interest in what I am doing. I don’t need someone to rock climb with me. I want someone to believe I can climb the wall, tell me so, and whether I fail or succeed, to ask about my experience and care about my response. That’s the support I desire.

“Ready?” Kathy asked.

“Ready.”

“Okay, deep inhale, exhale, forward fold- AHHHHHHH!”

It was 7:00 am on Saturday morning and Kathy and I had just started yoga on the beach when a large wave washed up and over our mats soaking everything. We quickly dragged our things farther back, laughing hysterically.

“The ocean wants us to play with her! We should go swimming,” I said.

After a few sun salutations, we waded carefully into the water. The beach was our own with the exception of some seagulls and early risers walking peacefully along the shore. Not a soul was in the water. A woman sat contemplatively in an empty lifeguard chair wrapped in a light jacket.

Misjudging the impact zone on our way past the breakers, we got knocked down by a crashing wave. We emerged from the whitewater laughing, hair plastered to our faces, and covered in sand. There was laughter from somewhere else, too. I looked up and saw the woman in the lifeguard chair shaking her head and smiling wide at our giggling and misadventure.

That wave knocked the adults out of us and allowed room for our inner children to come out and play. Self-consciousness no longer existed. Any fear or trepidation washed away with the outgoing wave that showed us the worst that could happen. There was nowhere to be, nothing else to do. We were free from responsibility and obligation. Just two girlfriends relishing in the special joy that only a beach in summer can provide.

After a refreshing swim, we sat in the surf, chatting. Incoming waves washed up over our laps, filling our swimsuits with sand. The larger ones lifted us up, like hover crafts, and spun us around. Occasionally one hit us so hard we toppled to our sides and rolled in the surf like seashells, laughing all the while, spitting sand and saltwater.

At one point I was thrown onto my belly. I laid in the surf, elbows in the sand, laughing and pushing the hair out of my face. I noticed a couple walking hand in hand a few yards up laughing with me.

Kathy and I had a wonderful time. Had we been seven years old, I don’t think the scene would have looked any different, except for our sizes. A total bonus was that we were also bringing joy to others while we were at it. Something about two adult woman with a cumulative 73 years between them tumbling around in the surf as gracefully as a hunk of driftwood and a clump of seaweed made other people smile.

Joy is contagious. Your smile and laughter has the power to bring happiness to someone else. Whether acting your age or like a child, share the joy. And if you are acting your age, don’t be afraid to let your inner child out to play, for that could be the reason someone smiles today.

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We are all story-tellers. The only difference is that some of us write our stories down. But make no mistake about it, we’re all crafting stories in our heads starring the people in our lives, and we’re starring in their stories, too. These stories all have something in common: they are fiction.

I’m talking about the story-telling we do when we make assumptions and project our feelings onto others, or our insecurities onto situations.

He didn’t call me back yet. He doesn’t like me anymore.

Susie & Mary went to lunch without me. They’re talking badly about me. 

He didn’t say I look nice. I’m so fat and gross!

He’s not wearing his wedding ring. They’re headed for divorce.

I haven’t invited Jessica to dinner because she’s always busy.

My son behaves this way because he knows it drives me crazy!

Any of this sound familiar? What stories are you telling yourself? My overactive story-telling mind has caused me a lot of suffering. The reason being is that I wasn’t aware my stories were fiction. For example, when my husband would break plans with me, I’d tell myself it was because he didn’t want to spend time with me. I absolutely believed this to be fact. My evidence: he broke plans with me. That’s all the evidence I needed. I couldn’t even hear anything else because I was so hurt that he didn’t want to spend time with me. The story was already written. Therefore, whenever we made plans I feared he would break them again (further proving my story). This built up a lot of anxiety for me and a lot of pressure for him. We ultimately stopped making plans just to avoid it all.

All because of the stories in my head. I use this example because I know it is not uncommon.

This is only one of hundreds of the stories I have told myself and believed to be true. As I’ve cracked the nut on my suffering, I have come to learn the difference and to stop writing so many destructive stories in my head. There is a simple question you can ask yourself when you begin believing your own stories.

Is this true?

Byron Katie is the absolute master of story-telling. She asks the question: Who would you be without your story?

“The Work of Byron Katie is a way of identifying and questioning the thoughts that cause all the anger, fear, depression, addiction, and violence in the world. Experience the happiness of undoing those thoughts through The Work, and allow your mind to return to its true, awakened, peaceful, creative nature.”

There are four stages in Byron Katie’s The Work, a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question the thoughts that cause your suffering. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address the cause of your problems with clarity. In its most basic form, The Work consists of four questions and the turnarounds, and it is all completely free online. I am going to use one statement and go through the process as an example, but I do highly recommend you read more about it at the links provided. It really is a remarkable and most helpful concept.

I will use the previous example of me and my husband to demonstrate how The Work… works?

This is my thought: When my husband breaks plans with me it is because he does not want to spend time with me.

Step 1 of The Work: Complete the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. “For thousands of years we’ve been told not to judge—but let’s face it, we do it all the time. We all have judgments running in our heads. Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love.” – Byron Katie

Using my example, statement #1 on the worksheet would read: I am angry with Mike because he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I would continue filling out the worksheet, writing down how I want him to change, what I want him to do, etc. This is the time to let it all out and really think about how this thought makes you feel and be completely honest with yourself about what you think you need and how you feel about the person you are having this thought about.

You only need to ask this one if you answer “yes” to #1. If you said yes, this allows you a chance to dig deeper. Is it really really true?

How do I react when I think that thought? 

Angry, hurt, lonely, abandoned, accusatory, insecure, unworthy of affection, closed off to compromise and discussion (to name a few).

Who would I be without the thought?

Willing to listen, willing to compromise, rational, patient, understanding, secure.

Example: Mike doesn’t want to spend time with me.  

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” -Byron Katie

I walked through a brief example of The Work because I truly believe it is a helpful exercise. Byron Katie has so many wonderful videos of her going through The Work with people regarding all different stories: a woman who lost her daughter in a car accident who couldn’t figure out how to say she would ever look forward to losing her daughter again, a man who hates his cancer and cannot figure out how to turn that around, a son who wants his Mom to be happy and has his own thoughts about what happiness means.

The Work is another tool for your toolbox. Be aware of the stories you’re telling yourself. Ask yourself if they are true. Turn them around, and work toward peace.

I had a crappy week at work. I’m not going into details, but I took work home with me emotionally and was generally just beaten down, stressed, anxious and aggravated. It happens.

There was a time during the week that I thought to myself, I haven’t felt this anxious in a while, and then let it go. It was a shitty week – this was to be expected. I still went out one night and had fun with present and former co-workers, rather than cancel. One night I fought off the urge to order pizza and made soup instead to comfort me. I missed two workouts, but I cut myself some slack. I thought I was doing pretty damn good considering my anxiety and general upset.

But then a friend said to me, “It’s been awhile since you were so off-center.” I immediately felt self-conscious. What had I done? 

“Am I really that off-center?,” I asked. “Can you tell me specifically what I have done/said that makes you think so? I’m curious and want to learn from it.” 

“You’ve been so upset.”

“Well, yeah,” I answered. “But isn’t that life? Isn’t it okay once in a while to just have a shitty week when something extra shitty is going on? Everyone gets upset at times.”

“I just worry that you’ll look back over this time and wish you had done something differently or handled it differently.”

That got to me and made me think.

Will this work crap matter in a year? Probably not, but it does matter now. I wish I was poised enough to have not let it bother me, but that’s not who I am. I am passionate and invested in the things that I do (and sensitive). I’m also still learning. As for what I could have done differently, sure, there were things, but then I thought of all the things I could have done worse. Things like call out sick? Go in the bathroom and cry? Eat junk food every night? Cancel on my co-workers? Not worked out at all? 

At some point or another I have done all of those things, but I have not done them in a long time. I have come a long way from the person I used to be. I am still a long way from the person I want to be, sure, and I am grateful to my friend for reminding me of that. 

My work woes are not over just yet, but I have decided to behave more like the person I want to be rather than the person I used to be, and I decided to try a better approach. I don’t expect to never be thrown off-center again. I only expect to handle it better every time. 

Starting now. So I came up with a few ways we can be “more better” when we’re upset:

1. Don’t skip workouts.

Exercise is a natural stress reducer and mood enhancer. I prefer to work out in the mornings but getting up at 5:15 am when I’m tired and dreading my day is damn near impossible. It’s times like this, however, that it’s more important than ever we start our day out healthy and strong. When I don’t work out it’s just another thing I’m bummed about, compounding the other nonsense.

2. Meditate more.

Had I meditated more this past week I would have given my brain a break from my anxieties and stresses and felt calmer. This is a no brainer.

3. Leave your problem where it belongs.

There was nothing to be done about my work issue outside of working hours so thinking about the problem was a complete waste of energy and robbed me of my free time. If your problem is isolated to a certain place, then leave it there.

4. Eat well – seek out healthy comfort foods. 

Stressful times are dangerous times when it comes to eating. We tend to look for mood enhancer foods: salty, sweet, etc. Indulge a little with some good chocolate if that’s what you need, but try to seek out healthier comfort foods like soups, lighter sandwiches, etc. I am getting much better at this, but can certainly be “more better”.

5. Express gratitude.

It’s easy to get into the mindset that everything sucks when there’s a significant problem, but surely not “everything” sucks. Take some time to reflect and express gratitude for the good stuff.

For example, even though work was upsetting, I am still extremely grateful to even have a job. My job gave me the means to go out with my co-workers and treat myself to Afghan food for lunch with my girlfriend, Kathy. Beyond the sustenance, I got to try something new, which is exciting and fun for me.

6. Talk to positive people who inspire the best in you. 

When upset, it is not the time to talk to that negative friend or family member that loves a good pity party and will only make you feel worse, or use that time to talk about their own problems. Talking through problems and venting is a good thing, but seek out the people who will listen and offer constructive advice or just listen and sympathize and help you move past it. My wonderful friend inspired this post!

7. Make self-care a priority.

Make time for reading, coffee with a friend, a nap, etc. – anything that helps you relax and feel better.

8. Be gentle to yourself.

Cut yourself some slack. You’re upset. Be sure to try to do all you can to help yourself through the funk, but if that means taking a long nap and not getting some chores done, then so be it. I’m not beating myself up over spending Wednesday night on the couch. It was what I needed and how I gave myself self-care.

9. Give a hug. Get a hug. 

If you need a hug, ask for one. Kathy suggests saying, “don’t let go until I let go.” A great spouse, friend or family member will happily oblige. Cry it out if you have to.

10. Avoid unnecessary drama. 

If you know that every time so-and-so calls, you end up hanging up the phone pissed off, then this is not the time to brave that phone call. You’re already upset – don’t subject yourself to more. Insulate yourself from life’s dramas and put them off until a time when you’re feeling more able to handle them with grace.

11. Bonus! And if all this fails, look at photos and videos of ELEPHANTS BEING AMAZING!

It always picks me right up.

Let’s all be “more better” together.

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What do you think when you hear these phrases?

When standing alone, they are motivating and inspiring. But it seems they are most often uttered when someone is on the fence regarding something debaucherous, risky, or extravagant. Perhaps you’re considering bungee jumping, purchasing a designer handbag, or entering a 20-scoop ice cream eating challenge. A friend may exclaim any number of those sayings as a means to coax you into doing it. We only have this one life – may as well do it up right. Right?

I don’t know…

Over the weekend I was contemplating ordering a macaroni and cheese grilled cheese sandwich at a place known for its grilled cheese. (When in Rome!) A big hunk of baked mac n’ cheese between slices of gooey cheddar and sandwiched between grilled buttered sourdough bread – YUM! I totally wanted it in my belly. My soul, however, desperately wants to be healthy. Then I got to thinking… If life really is short, and I use that excuse to indulge, I will never be healthy. What if my life turns out to be long? I will have lived a long life never having been healthy because I was too busy living in the moment.

I ordered a Greek salad.

I understand this isn’t exactly living in the moment because I was considering my future. But I think this is where the balance comes in, and balance is precisely my point. Had I ordered that grilled cheese, I am certain it would have been delicious, but I also think I would have immediately experienced buyer’s remorse and guilt (and probably a stomachache). Same with the handbag. If purchasing it overextends your budget, you’ll have a rough couple of weeks ahead of you. I don’t think we should live in the moment at the expense of sound logic or the immediate future no matter what fun catchphrase people come up with. #YOLO anybody?

Nor should we live a life of discipline and rigidity! Perhaps had I worked out the morning I was faced with the grilled cheese I would have ordered it and felt entitled to it and enjoyed every bite and felt no regrets (just the stomachache). If you’re spending birthday or tax money, go for it – buy the bag! There are times and places for everything. The wisdom is in knowing the difference. It doesn’t hurt to give your future moment the respect of some brief consideration. Just be flexible. Seldom are things really “now or never.” Assuming I live a little longer and the very popular restaurant doesn’t go out of business, I’ll have another chance to indulge in cheesy goodness. But for now, I am pleased with my decision.

I have always been an indulgent person, disregarding future moments to live in this moment. It takes a great amount of discipline and willpower on my part to break this cycle. It often seems as though I am hardwired to seek pleasure. In the face of pleasure my other wires seem to short out. This tendency to indulge has lead to a lot of suffering by way of guilt, regret, and shame.

These cliche sayings are often abused; used to pressure people into doing things they know they probably shouldn’t, or used as excuses to behave in certain ways. Yeah, life is short, but I am willing to bet you can do without trying cocaine or streaking through a police station. ‘Live in the moment’ is not free license to throw all judgement out the window or act like an asshole.

Use these phrases to positively motivate you instead. What do you really want to do? Allow yourself to be inspired to take action the way a friend might coax you into cliff jumping or to finally ask that nice guy who has been flirting with you out on a date. Start your novel, travel to Tahiti, bake a souffle… these things will not be regretted (assuming you can afford Tahiti. If you can’t, save!). Imagine your closest friend urging you on… imagine them saying “Life is short! Do it!!” 

We often indulge in things at the expense of the next moment. Lets not do this. Taking no action, however, also robs the very next moment of progress. Instead of one step forward, you’re still at the starting line. So live life in the moment, but do consider your immediate future.