Many of us, for all sorts of reasons, have trouble saying no to people. We have become a culture of yes people. We aim to please, agree with the best intentions, but often inadvertently take on more than we can handle as a result of our desire to never disappoint. Eventually, we become resentful and stressed. Perhaps worse, is that we often end up putting our needs second in order to accommodate others. But I’m here to remind you that it is absolutely okay to say “no.” Keep reading to learn how to say no to people without apology or explanation.

The truth is we love to help people and say yes to them! It makes us feel special when we’re asked for help or to get together. We have a knee jerk reaction to say, “absolutely!” But how many times have you later regretted something you agreed to in the moment? Even if it was with the best intentions? I’m willing to bet it’s been loads of times…

We need to put the momentary high of being wanted aside, and take time to consider what we’re being asked. There is no need to respond immediately. Anyone who doesn’t respect your need to think about requests doesn’t respect you or your time. And that’s not someone you need to be bending over backwards for.

Weird Al Yankovic (of all people) has a saying in his home: “The day will come.” He and his wife say it when weighing whether or not to agree to things and that’s because he acknowledges that everything sounds pretty great at the time when the commitment is still in the future. But the day will come eventually, and he acknowledges that considerations need to be made.

What To Consider

So, think requests through carefully. Ask yourself:

• What’s the time commitment?
• Do I have all the necessary information to make an informed decision?
• Will agreeing in any way be a detriment to me or my family or other commitments I’ve already made?
  • Just because you have one free night doesn’t mean that night is better spent filled. Sometimes we really need a quiet night on the couch.
• Might agreeing cause me stress later?
• Am I free?
  • Check your calendar. Don’t forget to check the day before and the day after! Maybe you need time to recover from or prep for something else, even though you’re technically free.
• Is travel time involved?
• Can I afford to go out?
  • I’m often tapped out by the end of the pay cycle and have had to cancel dinner plans because I couldn’t afford it.

Taking the time to make these considerations prevents a lot of potential stress later when/if you need to cancel or rescind your agreement. Even worse is when you find yourself with no way out and end up with the stress of fitting something in that there just isn’t any room for.

So what if providing the help or making the plans just isn’t beneficial or possible? Well, then you need to say no.

How To Say No to People

We are terrified of anyone being disappointed in or by us. Therefore, whenever we feel we’re running that risk, we tend to do all we can to prevent it. I believe this is why people have such a hard time saying no without apologizing, over-explaining or even straight up lying.

No Apologies

Apologizing typically suggests wrongdoing. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being able to accommodate someone. You didn’t do anything wrong and you didn’t let someone down (if someone does feel let down, I PROMISE that has nothing to do with you and only to do with their own attachments/expectations). Since you didn’t do anything wrong, there is no need to apologize.

I know apologizing is a nice way of letting someone down gently or expressing regret and if you’re using it that way, then go for it! What I’m saying is not to lay on the apologies so thick that you could win an Emmy. There is also no need to “promise to make it up to you!”

Just decline. It’s fine. Everyone is fine. And if they’re not, again THAT HAS ONLY TO DO WITH THE PERSON ASKING, not the person declining. (If this sounds familiar, you may want to check out these 11 Quotes to Remember When Faced with Toxic People.)

No Explanations

You don’t need to explain why you can’t do something. I repeat, YOU DO NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN. I know people who do this and it’s awkward for everyone involved and usually ends up with someone’s foot in their mouth. You don’t need to justify or explain why you can’t or don’t want to do something. It’s none of anyone’s business why you came to that decision or what you have going on.

No Lying

I am not a fan of lying. I like to believe that anyone in my life can handle the simple truth that I don’t like concerts or have something else to do. But I know that people feel like they need solid excuses (see above, no explanations) when declining invitations so they tell lies like “I’d love to, but it’s my grandmother’s birthday.” Or “I’d love to, but my Aunt from Oklahoma is coming to visit.” These lies often involve family because people know they can’t mess with family obligations. But it’s just silly to lie, and runs its own risks.

Then What do You Say?

So if you don’t apologize, explain or lie, then what’s left? Surely, you don’t just want to give a curt “no” and walk away. Thanks to my friend, Amy, I have a solution.

Just say “I have a commitment.”

It’s brief, vague, honest, non-explanatory, non-apologetic, and to the point. You may be wondering, “But what if I don’t have a commitment, and I just don’t want to go?” Then you have a commitment to honoring yourself and not doing something you don’t want to do. How beautiful is that?

In a culture where we tend to put ourselves second (or third or fourth), glorify busy, and spread ourselves too thin, just remember that you will only ever be able to do as well as you feel. If you live and breathe for others and run yourself ragged, and are stressed and negative, believe me, everyone rather you stay home and take a nap. No one wants to feel like a burden. It is the story in our head that people want us to say yes to everything at whatever cost. The people who care for us don’t want that. We often forget that simple fact. After all, do you want your best friend up until midnight baking brownies for your party and then driving two hours with a headache just because when she agreed she forgot that she had a work dinner and could not possibly foresee that she wouldn’t feel well?

Of course not! Then why do we tend to forget that when it’s us making the brownies and driving with the migraine? Be honest with yourself and others.

It’s okay to put yourself first. And it is absolutely okay to say no to people.

I’ve been feeling energized, yet claustrophobic, like a sports car with a full tank of gas sitting in traffic. Despite all my minimalism efforts over the past year and a half, I was once again drowning in email and the ever expanding piles in my home office: unread magazines, novel research, books, paperwork, mail. The room is my sanctuary and I use it for yoga, reading, meditation and work. But recently, I couldn’t do any of those things without shuffling piles from one area to another to make room. I could sense my energy getting trapped and my sanctuary was no longer a place of peace. Tasks took longer than necessary and I felt overwhelmed. Something had to be done. And so I spent an entire day minimizing my office.

I started with my e-mail. Digital clutter is just as suffocating as physical, those ever increasing notifications flashing like alarms. I’ve spent many hours over the past two years deleting, filing, and unsubscribing from email, but the battle never seems to end. So much to read… Between my e-mail and magazines (I only have two subscriptions) I could spend an entire month reading and still not finish. But I’ll let you in on a little secret I learned: you don’t have to read all your email.

Before you say, “Yeah, no kidding, I delete more than half my email without even opening it,” know that I’m not talking about those e-mails – the sales, suggestions and free shipping opportunities. (By the way, you may want to unsubscribe from those.) I’m talking about the ones you want to read, those that you identify with that you think may have some secret tip, amazing news, hold the key to your success, feature the perfect pair of spring pants, suggest you follow someone on Twitter who might be your virtual soul mate and if you delete any without reading them you may have missed out forevvvverrrrrrrr… NOOOOOOOO!!

Guess what? You’re not missing out on anything, except having a clean inbox.

This is what’s really in most of those emails: Efforts to get you to buy something or buy into something and/or the same recycled information said a different way. Even if it’s really good, it will show up again or you can find it elsewhere. Those Pinterest suggestions for your carefully curated boards will come around again. Those Twitter suggestions… same. It’s all an algorithm. And don’t forget, you can always find what you’re looking for on a website or with a quick Google search.

It was thanks to that realization that I was able to search my inbox for everything from a writing coach I like, select all, and hit delete. I had been saving everything she sent (and she e-mailed daily), convinced that those e-mails held the key to my success. Well, I checked her website and all the info. was there. I bookmarked it and moved on with my purging.

Cleaning out and filing my e-mail felt so damn good, I wanted MORE. So I decided to take another minimizing pass at my office. No plans for Saturday and a dreary forecast –  PERFECT! Sitting on the train daydreaming about the cleanse, I had an idea. “Does the top half of my desk come off?” I texted my husband. And he, accustomed to random questions without any explanation responded “yes.”

Oh man, this was gonna be good!

I woke up Saturday with an energy and excitement unique only to the satisfaction of a great purge. I worked for ten hours, filing, sorting, consolidating, and rearranging. See the printer? I used it so seldom that the ink dried out so when I did need it, it was useless. I put it in the yard sale pile. The desktop? Maddeningly slow. I transferred all my files to USB keys and it’s being wiped and recycled. The entire hutch? Just a place to stick stuff that really isn’t needed or should be put away.

I craved space.

Beside that floral chair is a closet I couldn’t get into without fighting with the chair so although it was mostly empty, I didn’t use it. Not efficient. The chair got moved to another window out of view and now I can get in and out easily.

By the time I was done, I achieved what I had been craving. My sanctuary was restored and I created space. It was a day extremely well spent.

Now no time is wasted when I enter the room to do anything. There are no piles to shuffle in order to sit down at my desk or in my reading chair, no clutter preoccupying me when I meditate, nothing to move to roll out my yoga mat. Just organized, minimized, efficient, useful space. I walk in, set my coffee down, open my laptop and get to work.

I share this with you because it is my hope you may be inspired to create space in your own life. That printer, the hutch, the piles… they had become fixtures that I simply accepted, allowing them to take up precious space. Is something broken or useless taking up space in your home? Wouldn’t it feel good to get rid of it? You may think it’s not hurting anything. The printer wasn’t hurting me. But it wasn’t helping me, either. It wasn’t until I decided to toss it that I realized I could do away with the entire top half of my desk. Let the domino effect take shape and allow yourself to be inspired.

You may just find yourself with a sanctuary of your own.

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I recently bought a new car! Actually, I’m leasing it. That’s what works best for me at the moment, but I fully intend to buy it out at the end of my lease. I reminded the salesman of that when I picked up the car. He said, “Okay, great. But think back to your life three years ago.” I did, briefly. “A lot can change in three years.”

Point taken.

I wish there was someone to say that to the junior at University of Pennsylvania who walked in front of a train last week. The school year wraps up in a matter of weeks and she’d be going home for the summer presumably, the stress of the school year behind her. In one year, she’d be preparing for graduation. In two years she may have started a career and moved to a new city. In three years, she could have possibly been planning her wedding or a big vacation or… who knows. None of us know… she’ll never get to find out…

In times of stress it’s difficult to see our lives as anything more than what they are right then. Our focus is so narrowed that we’re unable to see outside of the situation nor light at the end of the tunnel. But the dark times pass. And stressful circumstances or not, life changes, and sometimes in ways that you least expect.

If you had told me in early July of 2004 that in less than two months I’d be living in Philadelphia, I would have laughed and said you were full of crap. At the time, I was waiting tables in central New Jersey at a popular restaurant. My heart had just been broken and my days were a constant cycle of double shifts followed by drinking and poker into the early morning, eat, sleep, repeat. I could see no way out of it.

But a phone call from a friend in Philadelphia changed that. “You have nothing going for you,” he said. “A few of us are renting a brownstone and need a fourth roommate. You can wait tables here until you find something better. The change will do you good.”

In August I moved to Philadelphia and started a job at a non-profit organization. Just like that, in the matter of six weeks, my entire life changed.

It was the best split-second decision I ever made. I needed something big to shake up my life and the move to Philadelphia was that exact thing.

Surely you can think of a few examples of shake ups in your life that resulted in great change and new opportunities. Some of them are nice surprises, like a phone call from a concerned friend, or falling in love with someone overseas. Some come disguised as tragedies, like broken hearts, broken bones, illness and death. Regardless, life’s surprises are inevitable and we are wise to view them, even the struggles, as opportunities. And to remember that life changes, and it does so quickly. Nothing stays the same, nor should we want it to!

Who knows where I’d be right now if I hadn’t moved to Philadelphia. I refuse to believe I’d still be waiting tables, but I doubt I’d be where I am now, with a career and a home and a husband… and a new car.

I wonder where I’ll be in three years…

Stay tuned.

P.S. It seems that the past several posts were not emailed to my subscribers – I’m so sorry! I’m told by tech support that the glitch has been fixed. Here are the posts you may have missed:

11 Quotes to Remember When Faced with Toxic People

Time We Break Our Own Rules

Having the Strength to Say When

We all abide by certain rules. Some are mainstream or fairly common and passed down through the generations like gospel, such as no swimming for thirty minutes after a meal. Some are specific to family, like certain bedtime rituals that left unperformed result in restless nights. And some rules are individualized, conjured from something we saw, heard or read that resonated on a deep and personal level. But when rules are too rigid, we forget to question them, and that’s when we can unnecessarily become bound by misinformation or habit.

I’ve been thinking a lot about rules lately, and what mine are. They can be difficult to identify because they’re so ingrained and obliged mindlessly. But last week I identified one so clearly I actually laughed out loud. And then in an act of defiance, I broke that rule.

Dear readers, believe me when I tell you that as long as I can remember I have obeyed the rule that one can never eat more than one banana in a single day. This rule ranked up there with ‘Thou shalt not kill” in terms of severity. I do not recall where I read or heard it, but it stuck. I eat a banana every day and have planned my bananas according to this rule. If I planned on a yogurt parfait for lunch, I didn’t have a smoothie for breakfast. If I had a banana in my cereal, I didn’t have one as an evening snack. Somehow I failed to ever question the absurdity of this rule, EVEN WHEN I CHOWED DOWN ON JUNK FOOD BECAUSE I NEEDED SOMETHING AND KNEW IT COULDN’T BE A SECOND BANANA.

Now do you see why I laughed? The night I finally realized the idiocy of this rule I had been peering into my fridge looking for a snack. To my right sat a lovely bunch of bananas. I saw them, but my rule shut that option down immediately and I went back to peering in the fridge. Then the lightbulb! To think of the pounds of crap I have eaten simply because I denied myself a second banana is absurd. I laughed. And then I ate that second banana and damn, it was liberating! I had two bananas yesterday, too. Whatcha gonna do about it?

What rules are you attached to? I identified two others in the past week. On Saturday I worked on a project all morning and into the afternoon and then I told myself I had missed my chance to go to the gym. Going to the gym on Saturday is a morning thing. RULE! It was totally weird for me, but I went at 2:00 in the afternoon. The other: you can’t meditate laying down! That doesn’t count! Guess what, I laid myself down and practiced what I’ve preached – I can meditate however the hell I want. (Breaking rules makes me feel like a badass – can ya tell?)

I mean, who said we can’t order dessert before dinner? I know who said. WE said, and when I say “we,” I mean us as individuals because the only one who is making you follow that rule is you (assuming you’re an adult, of course.)

There are so many rules around everything that I think we should start questioning more. Rules around how to load the dishwasher, rules around exercise and food, rules around work and play (this is a BIG one), rules around sex and intimacy (another big one). Who says you can’t read all afternoon? Yes, even if your house is messy. Who says you’re too old to go in the jumpy castle? Who says you can’t laugh and joke during sex? Who says you can’t eat two bananas?

Let’s not allow dotted guidelines to become too rigid and bold. Let’s allow room to QUESTION. Lets be curious and assess our rules, and have fun breaking the ones we don’t need.

Tell me, what unnecessary rules have you adhered to? Which rules do you want to break? I’d love to hear from you – let’s be a bunch of rule breakers together!

We all want to support our best friends and closest loved ones the best we know how. We also want to feel supported by them in return. It’s not always easy though, because just like how we all speak different primary love languages, I realize we all speak different primary support languages. Do you know how you feel best supported? Do you know your go-to support method when you’re the one doing the supporting?

Many of us lean towards one of two directions, I think. Borrowing my friend Kathy’s words, I will refer to these methods as “Mom” and “Dad.” For example, in times of stress or sorrow, do you have a tendency to skip over sympathy and jump right in with advice or attempt to come up with ways to solve the problem? That’s the ‘Dad’ method. Or are you a hugger, back rubber, and more likely to sympathize and listen? That’s the ‘Mom” method. (Yes, I am generalizing.)

I have had a tendency to crave the ‘Mom’ method for myself when I’m hurting, but speak the ‘Dad’ method when offering support. I am action-oriented. When I am clear-headed, I am a problem solver. But when I’m not, like when I’m upset, I don’t want to answer questions and take advice. That kind of support often makes me feel worse. When I’m upset I want a great big hug and to be told everything will be okay, or something like “Damn, Jess, that (insert any of one million upsetting things here) really sucks and I’m sorry that happened.” Oftentimes the offer to beat someone up for me makes me smile and speeds up the healing process. Oh, and a good joke.

I know this because I have been thinking about support a lot lately. At times I have felt poorly supported, but it has recently occurred to me: Have I made it clear how I want to be supported? Have you? I also realize I have been a crappy supporter at times, not for lack of trying, but for lack of offering what the person needed. 

As I become more mindful and practice listening (really listening), I have worked on doing two things:

1. Expressing my expectations (saying how best to support me):

Recently I wanted to confide something to Kathy, but I hesitated because Kathy has a tendency to ask tough questions and make me do work, like hard work, that I wasn’t interested in doing yet because I was still processing. She’s not so much ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’, but more like ‘High Priestess/Therapist/Earth Angel’.

So I said, “Kathy, I want to tell you something, but I don’t want to do The Work and I don’t want to answer a lot of questions.” Then I told her ‘something’, and she supported me perfectly, exactly the way I needed because she is an amazing friend. I think she would have supported me the same even if I hadn’t told her what I needed, but it was better for me to be clear, I think. And even though I didn’t ask her to offer to beat someone up for me, my wonderful, petite friend offered anyway.

Don’t worry so much about how people will interpret your expressing your expectations. Communication prevents confusion. Several days later Kathy and I were still on the topic of support and she said with a laugh, “People judge way more when they don’t know what the fuck’s going on.” She’s right.

2. Being ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’:

People like to vent; it’s good for them. Most people, in my experience, don’t want you to help solve their problems, at least not right away. Most people want to be heard, and they want their problem validated, whether you consider it deserving or not. Validation does not mean you agree or approve. Validation is simply recognition. I may not consider a stained expensive shoe worth getting upset over, but I can at least recognize how that could be upsetting.

I have oftentimes made upsetting matters far worse by failing to be supportive in the way someone needed. For example, my mom has a lot of physical pain and she often breaks down in conversation because it is upsetting and debilitating to be in pain all the time. I often failed to sympathize with her. I would jump right in with suggestions. “Did you try this? Did you try that?” Since she wasn’t in the mood for advice and suggestions, she’d often get more upset and then I’d accuse her of not helping herself and we’d both wind up feeling awful. I see now she only needed someone to listen and be sympathetic.

Now I try harder to be ‘Mom’ first by sympathizing and listening, even though it isn’t my inclination. I also try to empathize by putting myself in their shoes.

Afterward I ask if there’s anything I can do, and I offer the obvious. “I can call a few dry cleaners in the area and see if they can get the stain out?” Whether my help or advice is requested or accepted, I make it known I am available for help or to listen.

I’m trying to be a more supportive person. But I still struggle when I don’t feel supported. I know I need to be able to support myself, but that still doesn’t take away the desire to feel supported by my loved ones. I also know the root of suffering is attachment and I’m attached to my desire to be supported in certain ways. I have tried making it clear, but what happens when you explain how you’d like to be supported, and you still don’t receive that support? That’s where the suffering comes in.

What about support over dreams and goals?

If you were about to rock climb a tall wall, would you want:

a. Someone at the top reaching for you to pull you up?
b. Someone below you, giving you a boost?
c. Someone alongside you taking every step with you?
d. Someone on the ground cheering you on?
e. Someone at home who gave you the space to do this on your own?

I feel best supported when I am encouraged and when there is an expressed interest in what I am doing. I don’t need someone to rock climb with me. I want someone to believe I can climb the wall, tell me so, and whether I fail or succeed, to ask about my experience and care about my response. That’s the support I desire.

We are all story-tellers. The only difference is that some of us write our stories down. But make no mistake about it, we’re all crafting stories in our heads starring the people in our lives, and we’re starring in their stories, too. These stories all have something in common: they are fiction.

I’m talking about the story-telling we do when we make assumptions and project our feelings onto others, or our insecurities onto situations.

He didn’t call me back yet. He doesn’t like me anymore.

Susie & Mary went to lunch without me. They’re talking badly about me. 

He didn’t say I look nice. I’m so fat and gross!

He’s not wearing his wedding ring. They’re headed for divorce.

I haven’t invited Jessica to dinner because she’s always busy.

My son behaves this way because he knows it drives me crazy!

Any of this sound familiar? What stories are you telling yourself? My overactive story-telling mind has caused me a lot of suffering. The reason being is that I wasn’t aware my stories were fiction. For example, when my husband would break plans with me, I’d tell myself it was because he didn’t want to spend time with me. I absolutely believed this to be fact. My evidence: he broke plans with me. That’s all the evidence I needed. I couldn’t even hear anything else because I was so hurt that he didn’t want to spend time with me. The story was already written. Therefore, whenever we made plans I feared he would break them again (further proving my story). This built up a lot of anxiety for me and a lot of pressure for him. We ultimately stopped making plans just to avoid it all.

All because of the stories in my head. I use this example because I know it is not uncommon.

This is only one of hundreds of the stories I have told myself and believed to be true. As I’ve cracked the nut on my suffering, I have come to learn the difference and to stop writing so many destructive stories in my head. There is a simple question you can ask yourself when you begin believing your own stories.

Is this true?

Byron Katie is the absolute master of story-telling. She asks the question: Who would you be without your story?

“The Work of Byron Katie is a way of identifying and questioning the thoughts that cause all the anger, fear, depression, addiction, and violence in the world. Experience the happiness of undoing those thoughts through The Work, and allow your mind to return to its true, awakened, peaceful, creative nature.”

There are four stages in Byron Katie’s The Work, a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question the thoughts that cause your suffering. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address the cause of your problems with clarity. In its most basic form, The Work consists of four questions and the turnarounds, and it is all completely free online. I am going to use one statement and go through the process as an example, but I do highly recommend you read more about it at the links provided. It really is a remarkable and most helpful concept.

I will use the previous example of me and my husband to demonstrate how The Work… works?

This is my thought: When my husband breaks plans with me it is because he does not want to spend time with me.

Step 1 of The Work: Complete the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. “For thousands of years we’ve been told not to judge—but let’s face it, we do it all the time. We all have judgments running in our heads. Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love.” – Byron Katie

Using my example, statement #1 on the worksheet would read: I am angry with Mike because he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I would continue filling out the worksheet, writing down how I want him to change, what I want him to do, etc. This is the time to let it all out and really think about how this thought makes you feel and be completely honest with yourself about what you think you need and how you feel about the person you are having this thought about.

You only need to ask this one if you answer “yes” to #1. If you said yes, this allows you a chance to dig deeper. Is it really really true?

How do I react when I think that thought? 

Angry, hurt, lonely, abandoned, accusatory, insecure, unworthy of affection, closed off to compromise and discussion (to name a few).

Who would I be without the thought?

Willing to listen, willing to compromise, rational, patient, understanding, secure.

Example: Mike doesn’t want to spend time with me.  

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” -Byron Katie

I walked through a brief example of The Work because I truly believe it is a helpful exercise. Byron Katie has so many wonderful videos of her going through The Work with people regarding all different stories: a woman who lost her daughter in a car accident who couldn’t figure out how to say she would ever look forward to losing her daughter again, a man who hates his cancer and cannot figure out how to turn that around, a son who wants his Mom to be happy and has his own thoughts about what happiness means.

The Work is another tool for your toolbox. Be aware of the stories you’re telling yourself. Ask yourself if they are true. Turn them around, and work toward peace.

Last week I confessed I am an emotional over-eater. The support and understanding I received after that post was inspiring and heartwarming, and I thank you all. Some of you shared your struggles with me privately and although it saddens me to know so many of us are suffering, I also find it encouraging: we know we’re not alone and we’re talking about it.

Admitting you’re powerless over a problem is the first step in commonly known 12-step programs. For many people, food is just as addictive as alcohol or narcotics. You may not understand this or believe this could be possible, but it’s true. That’s why programs like Over-eaters Anonymous (O.A.) exist. And remember, we all need food to survive. An alcoholic can stop drinking. A drug addict can stop taking drugs and detox. A food addict cannot stop eating. They must learn to manage and live with their addiction.

I am not taking a 12-step approach to my emotional over-eating. As I mentioned earlier, I am working through the exercises in A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson. I just think there is an opportunity to practice compassion and to reserve judgement toward overweight people. An overweight person at an ice cream parlor is not that different than an alcoholic sitting at a bar. Some empathy could go a long way.

Admitting to myself I have this problem, and then admitting it publicly here, has made a tremendous difference. Two weeks ago I went for blood work to have my thyroid checked – that was the extent to which I denied my overeating. My thyroid is just fine. There was no denying it anymore. Yes, I was active. Yes, I ate right the majority of the time. But yes, when I messed up, I messed up big, and that was why I couldn’t lose weight.

So now that I finally know this, and you know this, I can get to work on fixing it! I am finding that most often any lesson in anything can be applied to various areas of life so please, don’t stop reading just because you may not be an emotional eater. Surely, the following exercise can benefit all.

“The weight on your mind, and thus on your body, is the weight of your own emotional shadows that have not yet had a light shone on them. They might be unprocessed feelings, negative thoughts, or fear-based attitudes and personality traits.”

Our systems are built to process waste; that includes emotionally and mentally. But when we hang on to excess emotional baggage, we do not allow it to dissolve. We all have unprocessed emotions, but we all express it in different ways: over-eating, drinking, violent outbursts… “The form of dysfunction is not particularly relevant; what matters is that we address the unprocessed suffering behind it.” 

That involves a willingness to be real and honest with yourself about emotional issues, and then a willingness to release them.

On a journal, I wrote various emotions in thick marker on the top of each page: GUILT; ABANDONMENT; FEAR; JUDGEMENT; BURDEN; 18 words in all.

I got to work writing down my experiences that are true for me, those that have resulted in these negative emotions.

Don’t go unconscious! With each paroxysm of shame, my instinct was to try to shake the memories from my mind, those that make me wish I could go back in time and not do whatever shameful or embarrassing thing that I did at age 10, 15, 20, 25, etc. Those things that still have the power to make me cringe and seek cover under a blanket.

But I didn’t shake them off. I forced myself to remember and then found words to convey the harsh realities, articulating that which was never said out loud, let alone written on paper. Flipping from page to page, emotion to emotion, forwards and backwards as thoughts occurred to me, the most unexpected thing was that it became easier as more truths poured from my hand.

I felt lighter.

Now that I have this notebook full of my deepest, darkest emotions, fears, judgements and most shameful and embarrassing moments (I hid this thing like it was MY JOB), it is time to release it all. I am going to offer it up and away, ask for all these emotions to be taken from me, ask for forgiveness, and do some forgiving myself.

I am going to sit with my notebook a few more days, making sure I’ve captured everything as I also finalize plans for my release ritual. I feel that this act is worthy of a special ceremony. Everything that has happened to me has shaped me. I want to properly acknowledge all of it, properly express gratitude where appropriate, and properly say goodbye… to the shame, to the people who hurt me, to my guilt over things long gone, to my thoughts that I am inferior, to my judgements, to all the stories in my head associated with those 18 words.

These sorts of release rituals are not unheard of. Writing on balloons and releasing them in celebratory fashion is a common one. Shredding the pages of my notebook will not be enough. This is an exercise in letting go. I want something final. I only want to do this once. I want something worthy of my lifetime so far.

I am excited. I am ready.

If emotions are weighing you down: guilt, burden, unforgiveness of someone who hurt you, then do this exercise with me. What do the bricks around you say? Write it down. Get it of your head and out of your heart.

And then let it go. Let’s all our souls become lighter, together.

Earlier this year I started downsizing my possessions. I purged my home of 902 items over two months playing The Minimalists minimalist game. It was a great experience, which you can read about here. I thought I had rid my home of everything expendable. But considering I just sent over 100 articles of clothing off to charity this morning, I realize I was wrong. That is thanks to the KonMari method of minimizing.

I had heard about Marie Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, but didn’t read it. I was the Minimalist Master! I didn’t need any help. But then my good friend, Kathy started reading and raving about it.

“I did the whole minimalism thing. I’m good,” I said.

“This is different,” she said.

If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know by now that Kathy knows what she’s talking about. So I bought the book.

Different, indeed! Expanding on the minimalist game, I decided to tackle purging yet again asking the question at the center of the KonMari method from the book: does this bring me joy?

The question never occurred to me. Looking around my bedroom, I realized I was surrounded by things that didn’t bring me joy. How could I ever hope to be happy?

Addressing Clothes that Don’t Fit

Following the KonMari method, you begin with clothing because it’s supposed to be easiest.

For me, getting dressed is incredibly frustrating. So much that there were times I canceled plans, rather than continue fighting with what to wear. Many mornings have been ruined and I’d wind up in tears, barraging myself with insults. Sounds sane and peaceful, right? This is because 75% of my clothes don’t fit me. Yes. I did the math. I refuse to accept my size the way it is right now (and has been for two years) so I only buy clothing that is absolutely necessary and instead choose to squeeze into things, and surround myself with clothes that simply do not fit no matter how much I suck in my belly. Is it any wonder I often don’t feel good about myself?

In a wonderful act of serendipitous timing, Kathy asked to spend the night since we had a work event early the next morning. We had been watching YouTube videos on vertical folding (you really want to start folding your clothes this way), so I asked if we could get some practice in while tackling my t-shirt/shirt drawer. We were probably more excited than most people should be to sort and fold clothes, but then again that is the magic of this method.

I explained to Kathy all about the clothes that don’t fit, a problem not mentioned in the book, so we had to improvise. “Put everything that sparks joy, but doesn’t fit, in a pile. We need to put them all away elsewhere,” she said.

“But won’t it be more motivating to see all the shirts that don’t fit?”  I asked.

“No, I don’t think so. You need to see all you really have and sit with that,” she said. Sitting with things has been a consistent message that pertains to more than just clothing.

We got to work. When we had finished, I looked at the mountain of shirts that didn’t fit, and then the tiny pile that did.

“That’s nothing!” I said, giving the tiny pile a shove. “I have no clothes now!” I shouted, frustrated.

“Sweetie, it’s all you had access to anyway.”

She was absolutely right.

Addressing the Emotions we Assign to our Clothes

Sorting and getting rid of clothes is an emotional process. I couldn’t have done it without Kathy. She asked the tough questions and reminded me to express gratitude. Holding every single shirt in my hands, I’d sigh at times and say, “I loved this shirt. But I don’t think it’s who I am anymore.”

“Then thank it for the good times you had in it and send it on its way.”

“Now this shirt! I had an amazing night in this shirt. I can’t possibly get rid of this,” I’d say.

“Does the memory exist without the shirt? Does getting rid of the shirt mean it didn’t happen?”

I confessed there were a lot more clothes already stored in my basement that didn’t fit. “Bring them up!” she said, excitedly. We were on a roll.

Most people’s hiking packs contain a tent, sleeping pad, pots, etc. Mine contains 50 plus pounds of clothing that is too small for me. I should strap it to my back and hike until they fit.

I took out each and every item. “You know I just did this in February, right?” I had gotten rid of so much stuff that was either out of style or didn’t suit me anymore during the minimalism challenge. But that’s why the KonMari method is so great – it takes minimalism and purging to a deeper level. Holding each article in my hands I asked if it sparked joy. So many pieces didn’t. I found that many simply represented someone I wanted to be. Not just a thin woman, but someone who wore flowing sun dresses on the beach. And again, this is why I suggest you have a dear friend’s help.

“Sweetie, you can lose weight, but your body will never be the shape required to wear that, just like I will never be able to wear maxi dresses.” (Kathy is quite short.)

Wordlessly, I’d toss her item after item to add to the goodwill bag.

Vertically Folding all that Remained

Finally came time for the fun part – vertical folding! No, I’m not crazy – folding can be fun (we discovered)! No more stacking shirts. Now everything is folded, finding the sweet spot where it stands on its edge on its own, so I can see everything, just like the spines of books on a bookshelf. It’s been so good for me to open a drawer that used to overwhelm me and now only find the options I have access to.

There was enough room to combine long and short sleeved shirts!

I tackled more drawers on my own since Kathy was over. My jeans drawer was crammed with over a dozen pairs. Guess how many I can currently wear? Three. I went through the remaining jeans and packed them away with the other clothes that bring me joy, but don’t fit. I then tackled my pants/shorts drawer. Once discarding and packing away what doesn’t fit, I realized I didn’t need two separate drawers. This is now my pants/jeans/shorts drawer containing three pairs of jeans, one pair of shorts, and two pairs of pants that don’t require a hanger.

So much room! If only my waistline could say the same.

I’m trying! You can tell by this collection of workout clothes!

Final Thoughts on the KonMari Method

I am convinced. If you think you don’t have enough room, you really just have too much stuff. Ask yourself, really, does this (insert any object here) bring me joy?

For some people, parting with inherited items, collectibles or mementos will be the hardest part. For Kathy, it was her son’s baby things. For me, it was clothes. This isn’t just about getting rid of things or tidying. It is about shedding that which no longer serves you or holds you back or maybe even keeps you from accepting who you are.

“The space in which we live should be for the person we are becoming now,” Kondo writes. “Letting go is even more important than adding.”

For the first time in my adult life, getting dressed is not an upsetting obstacle. Everything I see fits me and brings me joy. Today I wore a dress I haven’t worn in 15 months, patterned hose, heels and lipstick. I have been getting compliments all day long and I feel good about myself.

This is all part of the journey to a simpler, happier life and I am telling you, this step was magical. I highly recommend you pick up this incredibly appropriately named book, because it really is life-changing.

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I don’t believe that people can change. A sapling doesn’t change into a tree; it grows into a tree if cared for properly. If not, its growth is stunted. Rather than changing, I believe we grow into ourselves; like a sapling into a strong tree, becoming more what we were born to be, as we care for ourselves and reach our true potential.

I am growing. I feel it in my limbs. There are all these little amazing things, so small no one else would notice, that I am feeling, observing, and that are happening. Like a tree at the very beginning of spring, tiny specks of growth are budding everywhere.

Although people can’t change, they have the power to change their stories. Heatherash Amara writes in Warrior Goddess Training that transformation starts with how we use our words – how we speak our story to ourselves and others.

“Each word we choose can hold the vibration of healing, peace, and love, or be brimming with fear, victimization, and judgment.”

I am going to tell you a very personal story that I have been telling myself for a very long time:

Your dad doesn’t love you. He is ashamed of you, even though he knows hardly anything about you, and he doesn’t care to get to know you. He doesn’t talk about you and he rarely thinks about you. Seeing him brings nothing to your life but a week of heartache and tears. There are two people in the world who are more or less obligated to love you, and there must be something wrong with you if your father doesn’t.

It’s a sad story. It’s made me cry hundreds of times, and has made me feel great sorrow for the little girl in the story who grew up without a father’s love never feeling like a princess and that she was the most important little girl in the whole world; without that one man who would do absolutely anything for her that she could always count on.

A little over three years ago I decided not to speak to my dad anymore. I did it for me, to spare me from additional hurt and disappointment. It was a good choice at the time. I didn’t have any other tools at my disposal.

But now I do.

I saw my dad for the second time in three years last week. I knew in advance that I might see him. The second the thought occurred to me, it was gone. No trepidation, no anxiety, nothing at all. It wasn’t until I saw the back of his head that I remembered I might see him. Oh, there he is, I thought.

Once we met up, I observed and interacted with him, calm and composed. Nothing he said upset me, except his own self-deprecating humor – it was sad. I gave him a hug goodbye, and went on my way. Be it maturity, new tools, compassion or something else… it was that afternoon that my story began to re-write itself. I realized that he couldn’t hurt me anymore. It was my own attachments to my own idea of what a father/daughter relationship should be that had been hurting me for nearly 30 years. I thought that by not having his doting love, there was a part of me that didn’t grow right, that I would forever be a member of the Daddy Issues club, that I was left with a twisted, rotted limb that dangled dangerously in the wind and I’d never be whole or beautiful.

Later that night, I received a text message from my dad about a surfing movie he had watched and thought I would enjoy. One thing my dad does know about me is my passion for surfing and love of the ocean. He did think of me…

Since seeing my dad, new growth has formed and new words have graced the pages of the previous story. I have decided to let go of my expectations once again and work on accepting my dad for who he is and our relationship for what it is, not what I wished it would be, even if it means talking once a year instead of not at all.

I am going to rewrite the story. The next chapter will begin with a phone call to my dad, inviting him to dinner.

When I started out the new year, minimizing possessions was not among my list of new year resolutions, nor was the arduous task of cleaning out my house even on my radar. It was sheer happenstance that in early January my friend, Amy shared information about The Minimalists minimalist game (#minsgame) and asked if anyone wanted to play. The rules were simple. For every day of the month, you get rid of that corresponding number of items by means of the trash, recycling, donating or selling. So on the third, you’d get rid of three things, on the 16th, sixteen things, etc. Without hesitation I expressed my interest. In fact, there was so much excitement we didn’t even wait for a new month. We started on January 8 with eight things, posting photos of our discard piles in a Facebook event we created for the challenge.

The Difference Between Cleaning & Cleaning Out

Let me explain that I’m no hoarder, and no stranger to cleaning out closets and drawers. I consider myself organized and neat. I dislike shopping so I tend to buy a lot at one time two to three times a year; new makeup, clothes, and several pairs of shoes. Whenever I do this, I clean out the make-up drawer, closets, and toss worn out shoes. In fact, last fall when I finally found myself with some free time, it was quite therapeutic for me to do a massive cleaning, especially of my home office. With the stress of the past few years, it had accumulated a lot of negative energy and debris from former projects. I cleaned it all, and even set up a little reading corner. I thought I had gotten rid of a lot and felt much better in the space. I’d soon learn the tremendous difference between cleaning and cleaning out.

When things are clean, everything is in its place, so there is little reason to question some thing’s existence. Usually, cleaning out happens when faced with a shortage of room. The t-shirt drawer won’t close? Probably a good time to go through it and free up some space. I think this is precisely the reason why I still had over twenty VHS tapes in a cabinet in my living room even though I don’t own a VCR – I didn’t need the real estate. Well, now that cabinet is virtually empty and I have nothing to fill it with. I’m perfectly okay with that. I created space. Little did I know I was also creating space in my life.

Questioning Something’s Purpose

As the challenge wore on, hunting for items to meet my quota, I learned how to question an items purpose and existence. I revisited areas of my house that I had only months ago cleaned out. I pondered over things, questioning my attachment to them, the root of it, the reality of whether or not it would serve me. Why did I still have those beat up Vans sneakers? Sure, I would never wear them again, but they weren’t hurting anyone sitting on the top shelf in my closet. Were they a happy memory or a subtle painful reminder of a former life? Those awesome pants four sizes smaller than I currently am… an inspiration? Or a taunt, mocking me from their hanger, one more thing to push aside as I rifle through my closet? That knick knack from a former friend; was it there for sentimental reasons or due to some false obligation? Regardless, the sight of it made me feel bad, but for such a brief moment that I never thought until now to get rid of it. While discarding items that prevented me from living in the present, I realized that inside my brain I was tucking away and shredding files I no longer needed, creating space in my mind, and in my life, to live more positively.

As for my office, half-way through the challenge I realized the true potential for the space. My books, my wonderful friends; trophies in a way… If a book no longer lives on a shelf, does it mean it was never read? No. I kept only my favorites and those that met a select criteria. By the time I was finished in my office, I had actually gotten rid of pieces of bookshelf, maximizing the use of the remaining furniture and eliminating all need for collapsible cubes I used to house more crap. It is now a breath of fresh air, a safe place, purged of its previous life and negative energies.

Minimizing Posessions & Letting Go

496 items later (I did go back and toss 28 things to represent Jan. 1-7), I realize this was a wonderful exercise in letting go. It became something I craved and looked forward to, leaving no room untouched; no cabinet, drawer or closet safe from my scrutiny. It was also contagious, I discovered, as my husband even joined in on the fun cleaning out his own closet and dresser drawers. Furthermore, it helped reinforce my resolution to live more frugally. I am much better now at resisting temptation and deciding if I really “need” something, or if it will just be something that gets tossed in a year. Minimalism seems to carry over into all aspects of life and it has been very fulfilling learning this newer way of thinking. Besides, less stuff means less work! Maybe having less can inspire us to be more…

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