The Holidays are a tough time of year for most due to the high level of expectations and inevitable disappointments. It is almost impossible not to compare, with all the television commercials and catalogs assaulting us with images of what Christmas is supposed to look like. Roaring fires, bountiful buffets gorgeously garnished, caroling families, perfect gifts in perfect wrappings, lovers cuddling by the tree watching the snow fall, hot beverages dusted with freshly shaven chocolate in their hands.
This is an illusion carefully crafted to set the bar so high that we will spend great sums of money in order to try to achieve it. Even if the catalog Christmas does exist in some homes, the perfection is more than likely only on the surface. Forget to use a coaster and the mom of the house is sneaking away, unhinging her gritted teeth only long enough to slug some blackberry brandy and pop a Xanax.
For most of us, Christmas is chaos. It’s a race to get everything decorated, purchased, wrapped, mailed, and baked in time. The day itself involves obligations, lots of traveling, and enduring people you really rather not spend such a special day with. It is smiling at sarcastic comments clearly stemming from passive aggression, eating food that isn’t very good, adorning your best fake smile and exclaiming that yes, you really do like the [hideous] sweater.
The calmest and happiest are those who don’t sweat it. They take joy in their favorite traditions and rituals, and monitor their expectations. They seek out the good stuff, like a good chat in the corner with that awesome cousin they haven’t seen in a year, they know to bring their own craft beer, and they smile and endure the bullshit, because they know the secret of Christmas. And that is: Christmas is just a day. It is a day to make the best of, and to practice patience and love and compassion in the spirit of the season.
Over the years, I have lowered my expectations of Christmas to all-time lows and somehow still found myself being profoundly disappointed. I think the disappointment was worse because my expectations were so low that I couldn’t get my head around why they weren’t met. It was incredibly saddening and left me with a gauntlet of emotions to work my way through.
When my negative emotions I feel about the holiday season were being triggered back in October, I realized something had to change. And that ‘something’ was the only thing I actually had any control over. Me.
In a moment of wonderful clarity, I decided to expect nothing good or bad this Christmas and to relinquish all attachments regarding what I think Christmas should be. Like a snowy winter night, calm came over me.
With zero expectations, I cannot be disappointed on Christmas. Neither am I bracing myself for negativity and poor behavior. If I feel sad about it, I am living in the past. If I am worried about it, I am living in the future. My vision of this Christmas is only a blank canvas that will be painted as each moment unfolds.
And in the spirit of compassion, I think it’s important we all remember that everyone is going through something on Christmas; missing a deceased loved one, wishing they were somewhere else or with someone else, wondering if their estranged parent or sibling is thinking about them. I know that my mom tries so hard every year to make up for past years that she literally falls apart under the pressure and carries so much guilt that she can barely function come Christmas. This will be the year that her daughter will not be disappointed in her. I will not give her, or anyone else, the gift of additional suffering. And I will not be accepting that gift from anyone, either.
And if you need a few extra glasses of nog or another bottle of wine to keep a smile on your face, go for it! I hear calories don’t count on Christmas.
Thank you for reading.I wish you a very Merry Christmas, full of peace in your heart.
