As my 36th birthday approaches, I’ve been thinking about the year behind me as part of my traditional birthday reflection. Ageing is not synonymous with growing in my book, and I feel a responsibility to monitor my growth with pencil marks in a proverbial door frame. As I have said many times here, I refuse to live the same year over and over again and call it my life. Unfortunately, this year there has been some debate regarding whether I’ve grown enough.

But I can’t reflect without first acknowledging where I was this time last year.

This Time Last Year

As many of you know, last May I was the thinnest I had been since 2013. As thrilled as I was and as healthy as I thought I was, I now know that I was just a thinner, less healthy version of myself. My life revolved around food, diet and my weight while I obsessively tried to meet my birthday weight goal, which was part of a larger 40 lb. goal. I made that goal. But as many of you know, come July, I began gaining back every single one of those forty pounds over the following six months.

So here I am in May, 2018, nearly thirty pounds heavier than I was on my 35th birthday. I am fully aware of how this happened and why. But that doesn’t make it suck any less.

Argument for Stagnancy

This past weekend I found myself in a dark place uninspired, unmotivated and experiencing an alarming sense of hopelessness. I felt utterly defeated. After all my hard work, I was back where I started. Another year had passed and I hadn’t achieved the things I set out to achieve. I felt as if I spent my 35th year on a treadmill moving, but going nowhere.

Argument for Growth

Despite some setbacks, there is evidence of my forward movement and growth this past year.

My career took a huge leap forward

This past year I realized that in order to continue to advance my well-being, I needed to move on and advance in my career. After seven years with my previous employer (and a combined 13 in non-profit), I committed myself to finding a new position in a new company. It wasn’t easy! The waiting and uncertainty was torturous. But I put myself out there and expanded my search beyond non-profit, which was intimidating. Eventually, I landed a position where I get to utilize my skills, learn, and do work that I enjoy! I remain grateful every single day for my new job, my employer, the ways I’m being challenged, and my courage to forego the familiar and go in search of greener pastures.

We made a commitment to significantly reduce our debt

Thanks to an increased salary and the help of Dave Ramsey, Mike and I started the year committed to a monthly budget and paying down debt. This is significant because it falls directly in line with my goal to live a better and simpler life. The freedom of a debt-free life no longer feels so out of reach.

Our kitchen renovation is nearly complete

I never liked my kitchen. But it turns out that kitchen renovations are EXPENSIVE! So Mike and I have been diy-ing our kitchen for years, little by little, one piece at a time, saving for the big stuff like windows, flooring and countertops. Well FINALLY, our new countertops were installed this past month. For the first time since we bought our house in 2011, I like my kitchen. Yes, of course I’m grateful I at least have a kitchen — that goes without saying. But now it’s a room I actually enjoy being and cooking in.

All that’s left is the back splash and some minor touching up here and there and we’re done! This has been a project four plus years in the making, which is why it’s so significant.

Counter Argument for Stagnancy

Three things? That’s it!?

Okay I’ll admit I grew a little. But I could have done more had I spent less time scrolling on my phone, napping, and watching Netflix. I could have done more if I was more talented, disciplined and driven. I guess I don’t want to achieve my goals as much as I want to watch television and stare at my phone.

Counter Argument for Growth

First of all, my job search was intensely stressful and consumed the greater part of five months, not including the acclimation period. It required a great deal of energy above and beyond my other many “extracurricular” obligations and involvements that I manage and maintain throughout the year.

Yes, I concede to the point I could have spent less time on my phone, something I fully intend to limit this year. However, honoring the need to rest, seeking down time, and knowing my own limits clearly demonstrates growth in and of itself. Not once since achieving June’s weight loss goal have I experienced the debilitating pain of interstitial cystitis or felt ill as a result of stress.

All evidence points to positive steps taken toward living a less stressful, more peaceful, and simpler life. And besides, it doesn’t matter how fast I go, as long as I GO.

((mic drop))

Final Verdict

Fortunately I’ve learned that thoughts, as convincing as they may seem, can be cunning little liar tricksters. The above is a kinder, very much abbreviated version of the arguments that have been running through my head the past week. Thankfully, I was able to use my tools to quiet the negative voice that tried so hard to convince me I failed.

I learned and achieved a lot this past year. And as for the areas where I’ve fallen short… I’m still figuring those out. I feel good about turning 36 tomorrow. I’m excited for the year ahead and the opportunity to learn, achieve, experience and GROW even more.

11:15, 12:00, 12:30, 12:45, 1:30, 2:00, 2:15… every time I opened my eyes during a restless sleep it was somehow a perfect quarter. Finally, I rose at 4:00 am, a nice even number for this Gemini. You see, today is my birthday. But it wasn’t excitement that kept me from sound sleep. It was uncertainty over whether or not I would get my birthday wish. And by 4:02 am, it was clear that I wouldn’t.

Writing about Weight

I’m going to do something here I’ve never done before. I’m going to write about my weight. I am going to tell you that I crossed the threshold of 200 pounds in July, 2013 and have been over it ever since, maxing out at a shameful 230 at one point. What I won’t do is go into all the contributing factors that lead to this. Not because they’re necessarily private, but because it all boils down to me numbing myself by stuffing food in my face and pouring alcohol down my throat. It was a stressful, dark, angry few years… I coped with food and drink.

Thanks to therapy and incredible tools, this year has finally been different and I’ve been losing the weight. (I will go into more details on this in another post.) But I’ve been feeling good and working hard and my mind has been working with me, rather than against me. And so I made a birthday wish. All I wanted today was to wake up and get on that scale and see a number under 200. That’s all.

This birthday wish has consumed me, especially these past few days as I made all my last ditch attempts to make my wish come true. That included walking 11 miles yesterday, and ending my day in a sauna. I didn’t care if the number was back up over 200 after breakfast, or even a tall glass of water. I only wanted to see 199.9 for a second, just to know it was possible.

And in case you’re thinking it by now, yes, I know I put a lot of emphasis on weight. I always have. I’ve recently realized I have many limiting beliefs wrapped up in weight and numbers. I am still very much on this journey and I still have a long way to go, particularly in this area. But the fact that I am even writing about it today is significant.

“Weighting”

Back to my wish. Last night, I knew in my heart I wouldn’t make it. I came home from the gym showered and defeated. “Well, that’s it,” I said to Mike. “There’s nothing else I can do but wait and see.” I wasn’t tired, but I was dejected, so I began my restless night in bed.

I worried how I would feel if my gut (no pun intended) was right and I didn’t get my wish. It would certainly put a damper on my birthday. Probably not wise to start my 35th year throwing a scale and crying in a heap on the floor. I worried what I’d write in this birthday post. I didn’t dare draft one word, not knowing what the outcome would be or how I would possibly feel.

And so at 4:00 am I woke up, used the bathroom, stripped off my clothes and got on the scale. It was a number this Gemini could appreciate. A nice even 202.

I must have matured a bit over my restless night between 34 and 35 because I didn’t kick the scale or cry, or even curse, or feel anything really. In fact, I felt… satisfied? It was like, “Okay, now let’s get on with our day.” I had put so much emphasis on this one second of my birthday and it was over in an instant. I immediately realized that I still got to see a number I hadn’t seen in years (8/22/13 to be exact) and I still managed to lose 7.3 lbs. in 10 days (which is awesome for me).

I didn’t get my wish. But the truth is that I feel great. And I am comforted by knowing I tried my hardest and didn’t give up. I’ll get there. By my estimates, factoring adding back on some water weight and birthday plans, it will take a little over a week. I’m down 28 pounds so far for the year. That’s something to be proud of. I have until the end of June to get down to 190 in order to collect my $1,500 from HealthyWage. (Sign up for HealthyWage by May 30 using this link and add $40 to each of our prize pots in the process.) I’ll get there, too.

34 was a good year. Most significantly, I quit smoking, and continued to come home to myself. I published Questions For Life, traveled to two new places, and started my Integrative Wellness and Life Coaching certification training. I’m proud of myself. And I’m excited for what 35 will bring. After all, I know I can do hard things.

And as for the rest of my birthday, I’m officially on staycation through Monday! I have assorted lovely plans I am very much looking forward to, including lots of time for exercise and catching up on good old fashioned magazines while laying in my hammock. Ahhh… bliss.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for spending another year with me on this journey.

P.S. Questions For Life: Two Year Guided Daily Journal For Intentional Living is still on sale for $15.99 but only through May 31! Order your copy today. And remember, it makes an awesome gift!

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Next week is my 35th birthday. In a matter of days I will be closer to forty than to thirty. Many people lament getting older. But not me. Maybe that’s because at 35 I feel the healthiest of mind, body and spirit I ever have. Maybe it’s all this knowledge that has come with age. And my God, have I learned a lot these past few years! So in honor of my forthcoming birthday, here are 35 things I’ve learned in my early thirties that have tremendously increased my quality of life.

1. 1. We are not at the mercy of anxiety.

   2. Expectations result in suffering.

   3. There is tremendous peace of mind that comes with owning a safe and reliable car.

   4. Eat like crap, feel like crap. Eat great, feel great.

   5. Life-enhancing benefits come with a mindfulness and meditation practice.

   6. People come into our lives for a reason, and sometimes it’s not for long. And that’s okay.

   7. Keeping clothes that are too small in my drawers and closet is NOT motivating.

   8. We have the power to let go. Of anything and everything. And we can create our own rituals to do it.

   9. We are responsible for our own happiness.

   10. There is a wonderful freedom that comes with practicing minimalism.

   11. Balance in everything is the key to a peaceful and happy life.

   12. I am not at the mercy of negative thoughts and impulsive behavior.

   13. I can spend quality time alone with myself, and enjoy my own company.

   14. People rarely need/want advice. They just want to feel heard.

   15. What people think of us has far more to do with them than it does with us.

   16. Downtime is an absolute necessity.

   17. Stress KILLS.

   18. Miracles DO happen.

   19. Body Glide is a woman’s best friend (especially in the summer!)

   20. People are not mind readers. It’s our responsibility to ask for what we need/want.

   21. I learned how to properly track and understand my menstrual cycle.

   22. Productive, well-balanced days are my favorite kind of days.

   23. I CAN quit smoking.

   24. The only way out is through.

   25. I am resilient.

   26. Things can always be worse.

   27. I don’t need to drink to have a good time.

   28. It is best (for me) to do the hardest thing first.

   29. My suffering is never caused by the person I’m blaming.

   30. There is always something to be grateful for.

   31. I CAN lose weight.

   32. Clutter in my home clutters my mind and drains my energy.

   33. I learned how to listen to my body.

   34. Travel makes me feel alive.

   35. Life’s too short to not pursue our dreams like our lives depend on it (because they do).

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2. What are a few things you’ve learned the past few years? Let me know in the comments.

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At last the cool, wet weather that consumed what should have been spring here on the east coast passed. Kathy and I resumed our daily walks. It was the day after my birthday and I was trying to find words to express what I could only describe as my heart having grown a size.

“I feel… special. It’s weird. I wonder if maybe I’m easier to love now, or if I’m more open to receiving love?”

“I think it’s both,” Kathy said.

My heart felt enormous. The previous week was intense: preparations and cleaning, house guests, estranged family, worrisome visits, carefully navigated conversation, managing expectations… I approached all the experiences with authentic vulnerability and openness. Over the course of the long weekend there were opportunities to lose patience, have hurt feelings, place blame, judge and inevitably fall asleep crying. Yet despite wearing no armor, my heart remain unscathed! How could this be? Because in staying open and leading with my heart, I didn’t identify those opportunities for pain. Instead I found the opportunities to show love, compassion, forgiveness, and understanding.

I often wore armor in the past. I closed myself off in order to protect myself and maintained a defensive and judgemental stance. In doing so, I realize now I only attracted blows to my defenses, invited others to test me, and created opportunities for judgements and stories about me, bringing upon myself precisely what I was trying to avoid. My armor didn’t protect me; it damaged me.

When I decided to leave myself exposed, I tried not to attach expectations. I knew by anticipating the worst I could create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I tried to leave everything unknown and focus on keeping my heart open. Although I didn’t anticipate it being broken, I never thought it could be strengthened! Yet despite wearing no armor, my heart was reinforced. Did my love protect me, or did it attract love in return? Like Kathy said, I think it’s both.

My defenses only attracted negativity. My love attracted positivity. Maybe our energy really does have influence… that’s what Elizabeth Gilbert says.

“Your energy has an effect on every single person you encounter throughout life. You have influence over people sometimes even if you don’t speak to them directly; they can still feel your energy, and your energy is a powerful and deeply contagious force.” – E.G.

It makes perfect sense. Don’t we avoid those we identify as “standoffish” and gravitate to whom we find welcoming? Have you ever felt great then been exposed to an emotional vampire and felt drained of positivity, or allowed your mood to be enhanced by someone in good spirits? I’ve experienced both too many times to count, and have also been the vampire. I just never made the connection with an open/closed heart before. Perhaps my open heart drew people in? Guarded people allowed themselves to be vulnerable, at least briefly. People softened in my presence, becoming more at ease. I witnessed all this and it was beautiful.

Anyway, my birthday sat at the finish line of those intense 5 days and I was too exhausted to celebrate, opting instead for a low-key day and postponing any celebration until the weekend. The love continued to pour, though, and my heart filled with gratitude for all the incredible thoughtfulness directed my way.  I felt light on my feet and special, special in a way I haven’t felt in a very long time. Maybe, and I’m only realizing this now as I type, it’s because for the first time I feel worthy.

I seem to have silenced the sabotaging voice that says I don’t deserve friends, or to be loved, or to feel special. I displayed in my living room all the birthday cards I received over the past week. I walk past them several times a day and I smile. Not only do the cards themselves express beautiful sentiments of love and friendship, but the words handwritten inside do as well. I’ve worked hard to repair, strengthen and create relationships. Can my interactions over the weekend and those cards and all the beautiful sentiments be proof I’m succeeding?

In letting people in and showing my authenticity I allow myself to be open and vulnerable. Maybe the law of attraction is at work here, after all. How can we receive anything if we’re not open? For so long I was closed off, angry, and defensive. Is it any wonder I didn’t receive anything but more negativity?

So I think Kathy’s right; it’s both. I’m easier to love now because I’m open to receiving love.

With love and gratitude,

Jessica

Are YOU open to receiving love? Are you living authentically? Give it a shot. Take off your armor when you’re ready, even one piece, and put yourself out there. You may be surprised how people respond when they can actually see you.

Today is my 34th birthday! So many people say their birthday is “just another day,” but I wholeheartedly disagree. Today is my day, a day to bask in a little special treatment and celebrate the blank page between the end of one chapter and the start of another. I don’t want to write the same chapter year after year and call it a novel. Today is my day to reflect back on what I’ve written all year in the book of my life and get excited for what’s to come! Here’s some highlights:

1. I was nominated, then elected Vice President of the South Jersey Writers’ Group
2. My story, “One For the Road” was published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Very Good, Very Bad Dog
3. I moved The Cracking Nut to its new home here and re-branded it (learning WordPress in the process).
4. I got a new car! My very first new car!
5. I identified a novel concept and “won” NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) by writing 50,000 words of said novel.
6. I started stand up paddle boarding and fell in love with the activity.

Aside from the car (which is not an indicator of recent success, by the way, but a sign that my 2002 was getting to a point of beyond repair) and the paddle boarding, seeing those highlights spelled out like this helps me realize that I have been doing a decent job working toward my goal of becoming a professional writer.  I definitely haven’t spent the year sitting on my ass. In fact, despite my lack of meaningful weight loss, I am happy to say I haven’t been sitting on my ass much at all.

Weaved throughout those highlights has been the continuation of this blog, continued efforts to minimize, and greatest of all, persistent work towards healing and living a gentler, happier, more compassionate life. Thirty-three was probably my very best year in terms of mental wellness, and I am so grateful for the amazing progress I have made in order to live more mindfully. Life was not good for a very, very long time. I was living the same angry, disappointed existence year after year and calling it my life. But there was no life… not by definition.

Now there is so much life… the capacity for growth and functional activity. Now there is light where there was only darkness.

Thirty-four… I think it’s going to be a good year. I’m old enough to know better, young enough to still have the world in front of me, as much as any of us can hope, at least. My goals remain the same: lose weight, write, learn, have fun, and be a good person.

I’ve done a bit of all those things in my 33rd year. In fact, I feel as if the past several days was a wonderful final exam for my 33rd year, testing much of what I have learned. It’s been an intense few days full of visits and family, many of whom I have not seen in a long time. I feel that I passed with flying colors, showing patience and compassion, self-care, understanding, forgiveness and love. I feel proud of myself.

But I’m tired. So my gift to myself today is self-love, in the form of nutritious food and a peaceful and happy low-key birthday.

I’m not only excited for the rest of my day, but the rest of my year, and the rest of my life. I am grateful for the opportunity to turn a year older – so many people don’t get the chance. This is another reason why today can’t possibly be “just another day.” Today is a beautiful birthday gift.