Ask me what I’d like to change about myself and so many things would rush to the foreground of my mind I’d have trouble honing in on what to say first. Ask me what I don’t want to change about myself and I’d blink, blank and speechless as I searched my mind for an answer. This question shouldn’t be so foreign and difficult to answer. So I felt determined to identify ten things I like about me.

The Social Being 721 recently posted an article titled “Why Everyone Needs a Non-Resolution List in Their Life.” According to them, a non-resolution is something we like and don’t want to change. We have a tendency to focus so much on the negative that we fail to see those things about ourselves we actually like. It’s a cultural norm to bash ourselves and apologize for what we think makes us less than perfect. We tend to find people who praise themselves as annoying and conceited. Even if we think someone is beautiful, we’re often relieved to learn they don’t think so. It’s such a terrible shame, which is why I think we should all write down at least ten things we love about ourselves.

Here’s my list:

1. I love my voice.

I have a very soft voice that I never thought really fit me. It’s the voice of a child or petite women. I was mimicked and teased for it often as a child. But as I got older, people complimented my voice. Men have fallen in love with it, women have told me I sound like an angel. Not a day goes by that a stranger on the phone or a cashier at a store doesn’t tell me what a beautiful voice I have. A few days ago a cab driver told me he could listen to me talk all day. My voice is unique, it’s pretty, it’s mine… and I love it.

2. I’m a good cook and hostess, and love entertaining.

I feel like this part of me represents the best of my mom and dad. I am grateful to my dad for his love of food and my mom for her love of decorating.

My dad has a passion for food that I have not witnessed in anyone except on television. As a child I watched him pluck oysters out of the salty water and bring them to his lips with an anticipation that made his eyes glisten. He took me to fancy restaurants where he’d order half the menu, dishes spread out before us as if he were King. I grew up loving football, not for the sport, but because football at his house meant course after course of satisfying snacks. Just when you thought there couldn’t possibly be more is when he’d order mussels marinara and pizza for dessert. He is a passionate, adventurous and enthusiastic eater and he passed that down to me. I love those things about me and sharing food and exposing people to new dishes and ingredients.

My mom had a knack for decorating that would rival Martha Stewart. Decorations were unpacked and greeted like old friends and meticulously placed in their rightful spot. When my Mom finished decorating the living room each major holiday, I’d run up and down the steps from my bedroom, the equivalent of shutting and opening a door over and over to reveal her latest masterpiece. Lights twinkled, candles flickered, the aroma of seasonal scents flooded my senses. It was heavenly. I greet my collection of treasured items with the same warmth and decorate with the same attention to detail. Just like my mom, I finish by turning on all the twinkling lights, lighting the seasonal candles, and then walking in and out of the room, taking pride and pleasure in my creativity. I love to share this with others and enjoy opening my home.

3. I love that I’m low maintenance.

I don’t dye my hair (yet), hell, I rarely even blow dry it. I don’t get my nails done except for special occasions. I’m not a slob, it’s just not that important to me. I can go from shower to ready to go in under thirty minutes and I love this about me. I believe in maximizing my time doing what’s important to me or what brings me pleasure (and bonus when those things are the same). Spending time preening just doesn’t do it for me and I’m grateful I don’t care too much about these things.

4. I love my passion, enthusiasm and excitability.

I feel emotions intensely — I always have. I used to think this was a curse of some sort, but I have grown to love my passion. It keeps me feeling young and alive to feel so much so intensely. I always feel privileged when I get to witness the contagion of my passion on others. It is a gift I am more than happy to give and then sit back and revel in the excitement of others.

5. I love that I’m optimistic.

I have a generally positive outlook and do not dwell on negativity or the past. I know that I am in control of my life and have the power to be happy and live the life I want as long as I put the work in. I do believe I have the power to make my dreams come true. It certainly makes getting up in the morning easier…

6. I love being independent.

I am so incredibly grateful for my independence. I grew up pretty fast and it made me an independent young woman who grew into an even more independent woman. I had several surrogate moms who instilled the importance of being able to rely on myself and I listened carefully. In fact, I was always listening, curious by nature. I picked up a lot from the people around me, my older brothers, as well as my group of older friends. There were also lengthy periods of time when I was alone… A LOT. If I didn’t do things on my own, I didn’t do things. I recall many courageous moments when I said, “fuck it” and did what I wanted. This increased my courage which increased my independence.

7. I love being a writer.

Writing is my creative outlet. It makes me happy, brings me peace, gives me a sense of purpose, and generally keeps me out of trouble.

8. I am open-minded and eager and willing to learn.

As I mentioned earlier, I am curious by nature. Therefore, I am eager to learn anything and everything. I find most things fascinating and soak up knowledge like a sponge.

9. I’m punctual and dependable. 

I pride myself by being on time and doing what I say I will when I say I will. I love that people feel they can depend on me.

10. I’m perseverant.

I don’t quit if I want something badly enough, no matter how long it takes or how many times I fail. I finally graduated with my bachelor’s degree when I was 31. I’m still not 100% smoke-free, but the cigarettes keep getting fewer and farther between. (Update: I did finally quit!) There are other things I work toward nearly every single day and I will not give up… I love having goals to work toward with perseverance.

There you have it. In the time I came up with ten things I like about me I could have come up with thirty I don’t, but that’s why this is such a good exercise. What a nice change for once to focus on those things I like about myself, rather than those I don’t. Maybe I’m not so bad after all…

Now it’s your turn – what are the things you love about yourself? What are the wonderful things that make you YOU? Share them loud, and share them proud!

My power recently went away on a week long vacation and left me to fend for myself. I didn’t manage well on my own and later wrote in this post about the harsh reality of weakness. Thankfully, my power returned just in time for the first day of spring. It helped me pull myself together and create space to be inspired by the changing season. Now, at this distance, I am able to reflect even more on what happened and what I may do different next time.

When I feel empowered I take care of myself mentally, physically and spiritually. After a week of not caring for myself, I craved nutritious food and exercise, so I hit the gym. For breakfast, I took inspiration from Instagram and made the breakfast/smoothie bowl you see below.

How can you not feel good when eating something so healthy, not to mention pretty!? To me, preparing and eating food like this is one of the most powerful ways to show self-love. It says: YOU’RE WORTH IT. Worth the money for fresh produce, worth the time to prepare a meal, and worth the effort to make it pretty.

I decided I was worth it not only on weekends, but weekdays, too and I enjoyed these breakfast bowls every morning before work. Here are some others I came up with:

I shared some of my bowls on Instagram and my friend Mieke later commented that my “power bowls” inspired her. How fitting!?

To make your own Power Bowl, start with a smoothie base of whatever combination you like, then top it decoratively with additional fresh fruit, seeds, chipped coconut, nuts, etc. The sky’s the limit!

It never ceases to amaze me how resilient the body is! It wants to feel good. Give it the proper fuel and take it out for a good drive every day and it will run at maximum efficiency. I ate beautifully and fresh for the remainder of the week and felt so energized. I practiced yoga, took long walks, meditated. I felt wonderful, and most of all, grateful. Grateful to have my power back and to be inspired and motivated once more.

But now I wonder if I was only able to have such a lovely week because I had inadvertently taken a lengthy break the week before…?

In response to my last post about my power going away, my friend Marie Gilbert, author and blogger, wrote about our need to “cocoon” in her post “When Absence is Necessary.” Her message to me was simple: Life is hard and the world is loud; time outs are essential to our well-being and there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about taking a step back.

I struggle with guilt and regret, two intensely negative emotions responsible for trapping me in vicious destructive cycles. I’ve been thinking about what she said, though, and I realized something. I blamed the upsetting event in my life recently for taking my power away and resulting in my having an unproductive, unhealthy week. Had I been strong, mindful and loving enough, I may have said to myself:

“Ya know what, that thing that happened SUCKED. It’s going to take us a little while to get over it, so let’s cocoon for a few days and be really gentle to ourselves. Let’s get some soup and healthy junk food, call out of work one day and read and nap all day. I won’t force you to go to the gym, but I think a few walks with Kathy will do you good, so at least shoot for that. I know you’re feeling too drained and indifferent to shop and meal plan but we both know you’ll feel much worse if you eat crap, so how about making at least one big comforting thing to eat all week? Deal?”

THAT is self-love and compassion. THAT is what I was unable to say and therefore why I was unable to take good care of myself, and why I experienced guilt over what ended up being something I really needed. I felt badly that I had given in to such negative emotions. I could have still taken a rest and given myself space without succumbing to the negativity. I could have come at it from a place of retreat… from a place of love.

One evening later that empowering week I practiced restorative yoga at home. Afterward, I was torn between meditating and laying on the floor in shavasana (rest pose). I decided I could do both. I lit some lavender incense and candles, played soft music, lowered the lights and laid down, covering myself with a blanket.  It was a random weeknight and as always, there were things to be done. But in an act of love and cocooning, I laid on my office floor, breathing, while Marie’s words echoed in my mind, fading away as I allowed it to clear, but not before a memory occurred to me. It was something a yoga teacher once said years ago. She said that going into child’s pose (a rest pose) when needed takes great strength because it requires you to admit you need a break.

That always stayed with me and it resonates even more today. So many people continue to carry on with life no matter how much it hurts or how tired they become because they lack the strength to admit they need a rest. Because of what my yoga teacher said, I’ve always felt empowered to go into child’s pose while practicing yoga if needed, but I never applied it to life, instead thinking those breaks were the result of weakness.

I’m going to be stronger for now on. Strong enough to take a rest when I need one, and gentle enough to not beat myself up over it.

Earlier this week I sat in a benefits meeting at work since we have a new provider. I wondered about our mental health coverage, but figured I should wait to ask until after the meeting as to not publicly announce my interest in these services.

But then as I looked around the room, I had another thought. There’s no way I’m the only one wondering about this. So I raised my hand and asked, letting anyone at the table think whatever it is they wanted to think about me and/or my mental health. It’s called mental wellness for a reason, and I’m interested in being well. What I’m not interested in is contributing to the stigma of mental illness; the taboo that makes people hesitant to reach out and speak up when they need help, the same one that causes others to look upon someone who experiences an illness with disgrace.

My friend, Kathy has another great guest post coming up about an interesting article she read in Psychology Today. She found the article in the first edition of the magazine that she ever bought personally.

“I had been skimming through the magazines in my therapist’s waiting area for over a year,” she wrote. “I finally worked up enough courage to buy a copy for myself—and then a subscription—something I had wanted to do for a long time, but I had to work on my feelings of shame surrounding my desire first.”

Kathy hadn’t purchased the subscription because she wondered what other people would think.

“What is the cashier going to think? Will I feel comfortable reading it on the train? My God, I was acting like someone buying condoms for the first time.”

Despite many magazines suffering declines in readership over the past several years, Adweek, in 2013, noted Psychology Today‘s 36 percent increase in readership (source). What that says to me is there are a lot more people interested in mental health or a lot more mental health professionals. If so, there must be demand for those professionals. I’d like to say that Kathy’s fear was unfounded and exaggerated in relation to the increased popularity of the magazine, but I can’t. Because there is still that stigma.

“Mental Illness is such a taboo phrase; yet everyone has had moments or days or weeks or months or even years when they didn’t function at their best emotionally or mentally, Kathy added. “Why is this something that is so wrapped in shame? I’m still uncomfortable admitting I see a therapist to most of my friends, unless I know they have used the same resource for themselves.”

Kathy’s right. There are a lot of people walking around who are not functioning at their best. People hear “mental illness/disorder” and think things like Bi-polar Disorder, Schizophrenia, PTSD and of sociopaths. But do you know what the most common disorders are? They are:

• Alcohol/substance abuse/dependence
• Anxiety disorders
• ADHD/ADD
• Depression
• Eating disorders

I’m willing to bet you have experienced one of these disorders or have at least one close friend or relative who has. So why the stigma?

According to Vince G. Sparks, who wrote one of the best articles I’ve read on this subject, “The stigma exists because of a lack of understanding, knowledge and education about mental illness.”

Like Kathy often says, mental illness can happen to anyone. “We are just balancing on the beam, and we can all teeter over the edge.” Mental illness isn’t anyone’s fault. Life is hard. Emotional and mental well being is an absolute necessity, just as important as diet and exercise in my opinion.

Those who live with mental illness deserve our kindness and compassion, just like someone fighting cancer. We dub cancer patients as fighters and find them inspiring. Cancer patients are celebrated every year in rallies and races and all number of charity events. Once people beat cancer, they wear their survivorship like the badge of honor that it is.

But imagine for one moment if there was so little understanding about cancer that it had a negative stigma. Imagine a world without all the weekend fundraisers and rallies and races, without all the support groups, without all the encouragement, without all the commercials and treatment centers and research dollars and overwhelming desire to find a cure. If you can imagine all that, then you can imagine what the state of mental illness in this country is.

The hurtful stigma and judgements only result in shame and isolation, which prevent people from seeking the help they need. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were more weekend rallies and commercials and inspiring stories and research money around mental illnesses, I guarantee that would help the stigma because it would demonstrate the prevalence of these illnesses. Once people understand this is common, they may not be so willing to undermine their intense emotions or startling thoughts, and reach out to someone just like people do when they have a pain in their stomach that won’t go away.

We can all do our part. Let’s not judge so harshly things we may not understand. Let’s keep talking about this!

Please also know that the holidays can be the most difficult time of year for those who live with depression. Depression is not something that can be snapped out of. The holidays are a time of year when people miss their loved ones, have high expectations that often lead to disappointment, and generally feel lonely from the constant bombardment of advertisements featuring happy families. It’s also a stressful time for nearly everyone. Let’s look out for another and offer a hand or an ear. Pay attention to your loved ones. Do your part to ensure they know they are supported.

A few weeks ago, the entire staff of the small nonprofit organization I work for took a field trip to a Mindfulness Institute. For two hours, we learned about and practiced mindfulness; relaxing, breathing, being present, paying attention and listening under the guidance of the Director of the Institute. Only two of us on staff had ever practiced mindfulness, so it was encouraging to be there with my colleagues. Some were more open to the experience than others, but that is to be expected.

First we took some time just being aware of our bodies in the room. Many staff confessed they felt stressed by taking two hours out of the work day and couldn’t stop thinking about everything they still had to finish. They were back in their offices, not in the airy, bright space where we were all seated in a circle, and they were feeling worse instead of better. But we practiced focusing on our bodies; our feet on the floor, our butts in the chairs, and we breathed. Our moderator reminded us that there was nothing we could do about the work because we were there in the room, a very simple fact that so often people forget. Worrying is just a waste of energy.

We also practiced mindful movement with several quigong exercises. Quigong is a holistic system of coordinated
body posture and movement, breathing, and meditation used for health,
spirituality, and martial arts training. I’m not a big fan of Quigong or tai chi, which I have also practiced a few times, but I respect their value. 

What was most profound for me was the last exercise we did, an exercise in listening. We all split up into pairs and our moderator began explaining that one of us would be given a topic to talk about and the other was to listen, only listen, and remain completely silent. She continued for a few moments about the exercise and made a point of saying, “And I haven’t told you what you’d be discussing yet because I know you’d all stop listening to me and start thinking about what you’d say.” How right she was. 

I was designated to speak first and my partner, a dedicated volunteer, was to listen to me. At last we were told to speak about something we’re grappling with. For two to three minutes I spoke about my concerns regarding the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and how I don’t really like this time of year. I found that I was talking faster and faster, not to fit more in, but because having this woman’s undivided attention somehow felt selfish, like I was wasting her time. She nodded in agreement and smiled and made other sorts of sympathetic gestures, but didn’t say a single word!

I realized that not being interrupted for two to three minutes and just being able to speak seemed so foreign, so unnatural. Do we really all interrupt with our own thoughts and questions, advice and suggestions, stories and experiences so often that speaking uninterrupted feels… strange?

Next we were told to talk about how we plan to deal with what we’re grappling with, and again I spoke uninterrupted for a minute or two. 

Then it was my turn to listen. I don’t know this woman personally. She is extremely personable and I enjoy working with her, but I realized as she was telling me about what she’s grappling with that I don’t know her at all. I listened attentively, grateful to have been given explicit instructions not to speak because once we were done, I felt as if I had given her a gift, the gift of my full attention and a chance to speak uninterrupted. In return, I felt as if I had been given a gift as well, the gift of her honesty and openness.  

Then she spoke for another minute or two about how she plans to deal with what she’s grappling with. We spoke to one another for no more than five minutes each, but before we went back to our original seats, we embraced. In under ten minutes our relationship strengthened, simply because we spoke and listened to one another. 

Someone once told me that when we interrupt someone, we are saying that what we have to say is more important than what they have to say. It is absolutely true. We want to say something so badly that we can’t just wait. In doing so, we take control of the conversation, like a passenger taking control of the wheel of a car. 

But what about active listening? We talked about that after the exercise as a group. I said, “At no point did I want to make the conversation about me by telling a similar story, or offer advice, but I did feel the urge to agree or ask a question.” Many of us have been told to ask questions to express our interest. It is a social tool we all use to engage in conversation.

The Director’s response to this will stay with me. She explained that when we ask questions, we take control of the conversation. Now the speaker feels obliged to answer our question, redirecting them from their thought process and what they may have said. 

It blew my mind. 

I don’t want to be a crappy listener. Being given the chance to speak uninterrupted about what I was grappling with gave me the chance to formulate all my ideas about what I was feeling. Had my partner asked me a question, I would not have found it rude. It’s what we do. But in answering, I would have switched gears and allowed her to take control of the wheel and steer my thoughts in a direction of her choosing. I understand this now. For now on, I will practice holding my questions until whomever I’m listening to has stopped speaking.  

There was one other thing I took away from the exercise that I’d like to share. It occurred to me that no one in that room raised their hand and said, “But I’m not grappling with anything.” 

We are ALL grappling with something. In practicing mindfulness, I think it is skillful to keep this in mind. Remembering that no one is immune to suffering creates room for compassion and kindness. 

The concept of happiness as an achievable goal, something we can deliberately cultivate through practice and effort, is fundamental to the Buddhist view of happiness. One way to foster happiness is to practice gratitude by bringing the qualities of love and appreciation to life.

We’ve all been taught to “be grateful” for any number of things: the air in our lungs, the food on our tables, our good health; but the truth is we tend to take these things for granted and focus on complaining and comparing.

I touched on this back in December in my post: “Increasing the Happiness Baseline” when I wrote:

In times of joy, this is simple. After buying a new car it’s easy to be grateful for your job that compensated you well enough to purchase a new car. When you’re laughing with your family, it’s easy to stop and think, “wow, I am so grateful for my amazing family.” When you feel well, it’s easy to be grateful for your good health.

But what about when things aren’t so great? What about when your car is broken down and you have no money for repairs, you hate your job, your family is fighting, and you have painful arthritis? Expressing gratitude isn’t so simple. It takes effort.

This is where comparing yourself to those less fortunate can be skillful. You might then be able to express gratitude for at least having a car, job and family, and remembering that there are worse conditions than arthritis.

Phillip Moffitt, founder of the Life Balance Institute and Buddhist meditation teacher, wrote for Dharma Wisdom that “gratitude is the sweetest of all the practices for living the dharma in daily life and the most easily cultivated, requiring the least sacrifice for what is gained in return.”

It only takes a moment to express gratitude, but the benefits are long-lasting. Moffitt continues:

Cultivating thankfulness for being part of life blossoms into a feeling of being blessed, not in the sense of winning the lottery, but in a more refined appreciation for the interdependent nature of life. It also elicits feelings of generosity, which create further joy. Gratitude can soften a heart that has become too guarded, and it builds the capacity for forgiveness, which creates the clarity of mind that is ideal for spiritual development.

I can personally speak to gratitude’s ability to foster forgiveness. Since I started making it a part of my daily practice, I am more forgiving of people, including myself, and situations. I bounce back from frustration much quicker. Train delayed? Well, at least it got me to work safely. Mom pissed me off? Well, I could have lost her to breast cancer many years ago. I’m grateful she is still around to piss me off. I overindulged and ate foods that don’t love me? At least I recognize that and I’m no longer beating myself up, caught in a vicious self-destructive cycle of shame and regret. Things can be worse.

There is an opportunity to express appreciation in every situation. No matter what. At the very least, you are still alive, and that is huge. At the very least, there is an opportunity to learn, and that is significant. Still stumped to find something you are grateful for? Then be grateful that you are trying. It’s not always easy.

It takes upwards of 21 days to create a habit. Expressing gratitude is called a practice because it literally takes effort to train your mind to begin to think this way.

Thankfully, I know of a place where you can practice. That place is the Facebook group: Appreciation Destination, a public group created by my dear friend after a meeting at the Buddhist Sangha of South Jersey where the moderator that evening, David Clark, asked that we all share something we are grateful for. Every day, members publicly share three things they are grateful for. If you are interested in strengthening your appreciation muscle, join our group, share, or at least read what others are grateful for. You may see that most of it resonates with you, and begin to identify more areas of your life for which you feel grateful.

Gratitude is an important part of my daily practice. If we actively focus on the positive aspects of our life, we tend to be happier and more compassionate. If you are interested in sharing your gratitude, being uplifted, and maybe even inspired by the gratitude of others, I would recommend checking out this group. – David Clark

I hope to see you there.

The last time I wrote about A Course in Weight Loss, it was on lesson #3. I had described my altar as my safe place and what creating your safe place entails. Since then, my altar has become crowded, but in a good way. Over the weekend I completed lesson #6, so as part of my commitment to doing all the work entailed in the book and reporting back to you here, I will use this post to recap lessons #4-6. Before I do so, however, I want to report that somewhere around lesson #5, a shift finally occurred in my relationship with food. For the first time in a very long time, I feel that I have a modicum of control over food and not the other way around. This is in thanks to the tools I am learning and the work I am doing.

Again, I remind you that these lessons do not only apply to weight loss, but to all unwanted areas of life: addiction, unhappiness, etc. Also, these are only recaps. If you want to do the work in this wonderful book, please do pick it up and read it for yourself so you get all the information.

Lesson #4 is titled, “Invoke the Real You” and is about facing down the fears that feed our compulsions, and realizing that our bodies at their healthiest, happiest, and most creative already exist and dwell in divine possibility. Marianne Williamson writes that our healthier figures are not just vague hopes dangling out in the universe somewhere– rather, they are divine imprints gestating within us. “The same God who created roses created you,” she writes. “Nothing you have ever done and nothing that anyone has ever done to you could make imperfect what God created perfect.” 

Through spiritual practice we can find our way back to our real selves: through prayer, meditation, forgiveness, and compassion. So in lesson #4 we meditate on removing any fear we have of being who we really are. No one is holding us back except ourselves. “You are cruel to you,” Williamson writes. “You are withholding from you. You are harming you.”

Embracing the power of positive thought and the law of attraction, ideas I already believe in, lesson #4 teaches us that the more we embrace the image of a beautiful body and emotionally permit ourselves to desire one, the more our subconscious minds will make one manifest. Therefore, rather than comparing and contrasting our bodies with those in magazines, which usually leads to a seesaw of alternating motivation and despair, we will project our real selves into the world, creating a new image for ourselves rather than the ones that have always existed with our flabby stomachs and double chins.

I was with Williamson until she suggested self-imposing my head onto images of beautiful bodies. I thought this was pretty ridiculous, to be honest and I felt embarrassed. In fact, it took me a couple weeks to be convinced that I should. Since my beauty apparently already exists, the more I claim it as already existing, the more quickly it will materialize. Supposedly.

So I did it. I tore out four photos from my favorite catalog, Athleta, and cut my head off photos and taped them over the models, fully prepared to blame the book should anyone decide to have me committed for this strange act. I placed the four images on my altar. And you know what? I love looking at them. The very next morning when my alarm clock went off at the dreadful hour of 5:00 am, I hit the snooze button. Then I thought of those images of myself with the body I dream of, and I got my ass up and to the gym. Envisioning your face on the body you desire really is a helpful tool.

As an overweight person, you have given birth to the body of your suffering; it’s time now to give birth to the body of your joy. – M. Williamson

Lessons #4-6 all represented on my altar.

Lesson #5 is titled “Start a Love Affair with Food” but I prefer to call it, “Let’s Go Shopping!” First of all, Williamson acknowledges that many of us are at home thinking “Ummm, shouldn’t we be ending our love affair with food?” and I love her response.

What you’ve had up to this point has been an obsessive relationship. THERE IS NO LOVE THERE. Pain and compulsion and self-hate are not love.”

So to begin this love affair, in summary we need to learn to eat mindfully and appreciate our food for how it contributes to our health. “The eating patterns of an overeater are chaotic, fearful, furtive, and out of control.” This lesson is a plan for “dissolving your hysteria and filling your emptiness by replacing it with love.” We can attain healthy neutrality toward food by learning to love it, and the only food we can really love is food that loves us back. Sundaes may give us a momentary high, but so can crystal meth. Things full of sugar and processed chemicals bring us lots of things, but you will not find love amongst the higher cholesterol and increased cancer, diabetes, cardiovascular disease and food allergy risks, not to mention the weight gain. Foods that love you contribute to your well-being.  

So in lesson #5, we learn to build a new ritual: the ritual of healthy, wise, non-secretive, and loving eating. And we get to go shopping! Because this ritual involves a new beautiful napkin, new beautiful plate, new beautiful placemat, new beautiful glass, and new beautiful knife, fork and spoon. (I threw in the new beautiful bowl by choice.) These things must be new because we can’t build new rituals using the tools that represent the old.

If that word “ritual” still brings up negative connotations for you, I suggest you read my post “Demystifying the Ritual” or remembering that secretive and excessive eating is also a form of ritual so please don’t try to argue that ritual isn’t for you.

These items must be beautiful because beauty is sacred. Also, nothing need be expensive. My entire place setting pictured below cost less than $20, but it is beautiful and I love it! I washed everything and set it up on my altar, as the book instructs, to beckon the real you… the healthy person who has not quite arrived yet. This place setting can be used whenever I feel like it. I guarantee you that I will not be loading my plate and bowl up with junk. Eating off of these items will be an act of love and mindfulness.

Lesson #5 and #6. A lotus flower is etched into the glass!

Lesson #6 is titled “Build a Relationship with Good Food.” In Lesson #5 we start the love affair, but lesson #6 will help us when that love affair begins to lose its excitement, like when a salad every day no longer does it for you. Contrary to what you may assume, I am a very healthy eater. I cook and eat “real” food. My issue is over-indulgence and emotional binge-eating.

So when lesson #6 instructed me to go buy a piece of fruit, any piece of fruit, I wanted something I have never had before because me and fruit are already in love. I wanted to meet fruit’s exotic cousin.

Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the majesty of a mountain? Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the beauty of a flower? Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the power of a river or the force of a rainstorm? Then why is it that when it comes to food, people have developed this ridiculous notion that we’ve somehow improved on God? That chemically processed food is somehow preferable to what nature has to offer?

– M. Williamson

Enter sexy, mysterious dragonfruit! Rawr!  I placed the dragonfruit on my altar for a day then the next morning (after googling how to cut it – it looks way more intimidating than it is), I cut it up and placed it in my beautiful new bowl on my altar and performed the meditation in the book. It was an exercise in mindful eating and an act of love. After a few bites, I decided it would be better as a smoothie so I blended it with banana and beet and almond milk, but I don’t think it minded.

Lesson #6. Dragonfruit whole, diced, smoothied.

A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever is changing my dysfunctional relationship with food. That relationship has been a source of my suffering so this weight loss journey is running parallel with my journey to be a more compassionate person. The work is going hand in hand, two lines that weave along together in the same direction toward the same destination: happiness.

When I first started this blog and wrote of my desire to be gentle and compassionate, I only had others in mind. I wanted to be a nicer and more loving person to those around me. Nowhere in that sentiment was I expressing an interest in being kinder or compassionate with me personally. I completely overlooked myself.

It wasn’t until I was well on my journey that I realized the need for self-compassion. The old adage that we cannot love others until we first love ourselves has validity. It is this love and fulfillment within ourselves that inspires others. It is also what enlightens us to our interdependence, making us willing to share ourselves with the world. On my best day, the day after I surrendered my negative emotions in my release ritual, I radiated love and kindness and people responded to it beautifully with smiles and light of their own. It was incredible to witness. Unfortunately, I could not maintain the vibrancy inside of me and it soon faded like the energy of a stadium once the crowd is long gone.

I continue to struggle with compassion, particularly toward myself. Without compassion, we do not feel the pain of the world, so we are unwilling to help it. There are times I hurt myself emotionally, inflicting pain like a gangster threatening a a witness tied to a chair. I am unwilling to help, instead barraging myself with negativity, high expectations, and hurtful words. It doesn’t even occur to me to save or defend that whimpering version of myself, just to wield my power over it.

I am completely willing to stand up against people who hurt me, but am still unwilling to stand up to myself when I wrong me. Thankfully, compassion is a muscle that can be strengthened with practice and use. I have become more compassionate since I started on this journey. I fail at it, don’t get me wrong, and can still be insensitive and hurtful, but I have also impressed myself with my ability to be loving and kind. Now I need to start extending some of that compassion to myself.

In keeping with the theme of New Moon in Cancer, self-compassion and love, it’s a better time than ever to practice some compassion strength-building exercises. But just like when you redeem your complimentary personal training session at the gym, they first need to assess your fitness level. So click this link to test your self-compassion. Go ahead and take the test (tests are fun!), reading each statement carefully. This should only take 4-8 minutes.

How did you score? My over-all score is a 2.91 and indicates I am moderately self-compassionate. I scored highest (meaning least compassionate) when it comes to self-judgment. I am very hard on myself and do a lot of horrible name-calling. My lowest score (meaning most compassionate) is in the subcategory of isolation. When I was a teenager I thought everyone had it better than me and was having more fun than I was. I now know beyond the shadow of a doubt that is absolutely untrue and I know that every single person is battling something. I know I am not alone in my suffering. That being said, I found the test to be quite accurate.

Now that we know how strong (or weak) our self-compassion is, lets work on strengthening it. Dr. Kristin Neff, who created the assessment, lists some useful exercises and guided meditations on her website here.

I am a big fan of Exercise 1: How would you treat a friend?, but with one difference.

Imagine a child in your life: your son or daughter, niece or nephew. I am thinking of my dear friend’s ten year old daughter, whom I adore.  

1. First, think about a time when this child felt really bad about him or herself or was really struggling in some way. How would you respond to that child in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to this child.    

My favorite 10-year old has an adorable little pot belly that I am certain she will grow out of (she is very active and LOVES fruit). Since my weight seems to have become an accidental theme here as of late, I will stick with this example. It is breaking my heart in the worst way that this young girl has begun to feel self-conscious about her weight. She’s too young! Although she hasn’t spoken to me about it (my friend has filled me in), this is how I would respond if she did: I would kneel down to meet her at eye-level and place my hands on her shoulders or take her hands in mind, and in a gentle, soft voice I would tell her that she is BEAUTIFUL. I would also explain to her that all that matters is that she is healthy and happy and she has power over her happiness, so if losing a few pounds would make her feel better, then she should, but that she should view it as a gift she is giving herself rather than a sacrifice she is making or a chore she is taking on. I would also remind her of all of her amazing qualities and how wonderful a person she is. 

2. Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.

When I am self conscious about my weight I am heartless. My tone inside my head is stern and condescending. I call myself names like “fat fuck” and when something doesn’t fit and I am frustrated I say things like: “you’re so gross you shouldn’t even be allowed out of the house.”

3. Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?

Yes, there is a difference. My 10-year old friend is innocent and is too damn young to have these insecurities. I really do believe she is beautiful and amazing. I do not believe that about myself. I don’t believe I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house, either, but I take my frustration out on myself. I want to hurt me because I am the source of my frustration. Also, I now know that I was treating Thin-me and Not-thin-me as two different people. I know now that I need to integrate them.

4. Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.

I think love, gentleness and compassion would go a long way. Adding pain to an already painful situation is madness! It achieves nothing! I think I could feel safe if I could respond to myself the way I would to my young friend. If I felt safe, I wouldn’t walk around afraid, which piles on to my problem of seeking comfort and safety. It is cyclical.

Now it’s your turn. Take some time to reflect on these questions. Break out a journal and get to work.

Self-Compassion Break

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Say to yourself: May I be kind to myself.
You can also ask yourself: What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself? Is there a phrase that speaks to you in
your particular situation, such as:

• May I give myself the compassion that I need
• My I learn to accept myself as I am
• May I forgive myself
• May I be strong.
• May I be patient

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most (via Dr. Kristin Neff).

I continue to be amazed by the timing and synchronicity of things. I can’t help but view these events as some sort of cosmic reassurance that I’m on the right track creating my own rituals, setting new moon intentions and working my way through A Course in Weight Loss to help overcome my emotional over-eating.

Thursday, the 16th was a new moon so I finalized my intentions for the new cycle the night before. Writing down my short term goals last moon cycle motivated me more than any trick or tool had before.  Maybe it was the physical act of writing them down and seeing them in black and white, or maybe it was the energy of the moon or the “officialness” of the ritual – making my intentions known and believing I could achieve them, rather than just half-assing them off to the void. I believe it was all three. Anyway, it was a productive and successful cycle. I did tough things, including a few exercises I had been putting off. I found that I wanted to get the hardest things done first, and I did.

My new motto has become “eat the frog first.” My lovely sister-in-law shared the motivational expression with me, one she had learned in business school, and it stuck. The idea is to just get it over with and do the hardest thing first. Everything seems easier after that – you don’t have to think about that task anymore. It’s like working out first thing in the morning. For the rest of the day, you’re off the hook.

I’ve actually been practicing this method for quite some time. Now I have a fun expression for it. I have a good friend who absolutely hates when I say this (and I do say it often). It’s funny to me, though considering he eats his food precisely in the order of what he likes least first, literally saving the best for last. I also rather finish my meal with the lingering taste of french fries in my mouth than frog guts. But I digress.

So I ate the frog first last moon cycle and included a hard thing for this moon cycle because I believe that if it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you, and if it doesn’t change you, you’re not making progress.

The “theme” of the last moon cycle was creativity, mindfulness and action. I felt that energy, creating my own rituals and taking action. I completed Lesson #1 in A Course in Weight Loss and moved on to the next, titled “Thin You, Meet Not-Thin You.” This lesson involves getting to know and love the part of you that overeats. I smiled when I read up on the “theme” of this new moon in Cancer: self-love and compassion.

Synchronicity, guys.

For Lesson #2, Marianne Williamson writes that Not-Thin You “is not your enemy; she is an unintegrated part of yourself. She is an aspect of you that is demanding to be seen and heard.” The point is to give her the love and attention she needs and deserves. “It does feel odd that we should honor a part of ourselves that we do not want, but Not-Thin You will not go away until she is listened to.”

Ever since the stress in my life reached all time highs and I put on 30 pounds of extra weight, I have sternly exclaimed that THIS (motioning to my body) is NOT me! “I feel like I am walking around in a fat suit!” I have been so conflicted feeling one way and looking another, going around defending myself. Then I realized through reading this book that I have been denying an entire dimension of myself and no wonder I was feeling so conflicted. “…and in a dysfunctional effort to numb the pain of the conflict, you’ve only created more of it.”

Bingo.

Since we can’t just love on command or turn off our anger, communication is necessary. So Lesson #2 calls for initiating an honest and transparent dialogue between Thin You and Not-Thin You.

So Thin Me wrote to Not-Thin Me and I laid it out on the table. To summarize, I took responsibility for all I had put us through, but expressed my disappointment in her inability to bounce back now that life isn’t as stressful. I told her she embarrasses me and holds me back, but also thanked her for getting up that mountain in Colorado with my brother that gained 1,400 feet of elevation in only 1.6 miles. I asked her what the fuck her problem is and pointed out all the things I have done to help her. I insisted she tells me what she needs. I told her I can’t move on with my life until she gets her shit together.

Then Not-Thin Me responded. She thanked me for all that I’m doing for her, especially getting our heart rate up more and working my way through this book. “I am stronger than I look,” she wrote. She pointed out that it’s not all her fault and cited specific examples where I’ve screwed up, “so stop blaming me for everything!” As for what she needs: attention. Patience, love, kindness, compassion. “Stop ignoring me and saying you’re not me because I hate to tell you this, but YOU are ME,” she wrote.

We are much closer to reconciliation. I realize now how wrong it was for me to deny her existence. Hopefully as she begins to feel safe, she will relax, and we can work together.

Again, I share these lessons not only for emotional eaters. This exercise translates to Happy You and Not-Happy You, Sober You and Drunk You, Adult You and Little-Kid You. Is there a dimension of yourself that you’re denying? Perhaps someone fighting for your attention? Open up the lines of communication, lay your side out there and see what they have to say. You may be surprised…

The exercises in this book and losing weight aren’t the only things I’m working on. Two days in to this moon cycle I ate my frog and the rest of my intentions seem like a cake walk (I’ll substitute some fruit for the cake). I am also happy to report that I will be submitting an essay for professional publication. (Wish me luck!)

What are your intentions for this moon cycle, this month, this week, or even just tomorrow? Eat your frog. It may suck at the moment, but think of how good you’ll feel afterward.

Following is the continuation of a 2 part story. Please click this link to read Part 1.

The day after I was diagnosed with PMDD and prescribed Sarafem, an anti-depressant specifically geared toward treating the symptoms of PMDD and that can be taken for two week stints leading up to menstruation, I had an appointment with my wellness counselor. I explained to her that I didn’t want to take the pills and that maybe I should work harder on a more holistic approach. “I could give it a month. Really mark out the calendar so I know when to do what. Inversions, more vitamin B, more carbs and protein, more naps, more meditation, more avoidance of emotional triggers.” We agreed I should give it a shot. She also pointed out that sometimes having a diagnosis makes a big difference in and of itself because there is a better understanding of what’s happening.

A few days later, I confided this latest development and my plan with my friend Kathy, who immediately whipped out a piece of paper and started drawing a calendar.

“Here,” she said, enthusiastically circling a square on the impromptu calendar, “is when you need to start increasing your magnesium. Pumpkin seeds and Epsom salt baths. Here,” drawing an arrow, “is when you need to start putting legs up the wall. It is so good for your body. Make sure you have plenty of healthy junk food in the house. And here,” voraciously circling a square repeatedly, “is when you need to be extra gentle with yourself. Dr. Christiane Northrup says that in a perfect world, women would stay home and rest their first day of menstruation.”

I had my plan and shared it with the most important people in my life, the ones directly affected by my behavior, and had their support. I would insulate myself against PMDD with sleep, the right food, vitamin B, meditation, yoga, and magnesium. It would be great. I would defeat the beast with graceful shoulder stands, indulge in healthy junk food and meditate whenever destructive emotions arose within me. I would be poised against the storm.

Things were going okay. Until they weren’t anymore. After a particularly hellish morning, another one in which getting to work was a victory in and of itself, I was distracted and emotional. I could hardly wait to get home to start my medication, desperate for some relief from myself. The holistic approach clearly wasn’t enough. I was going crazy. But like my counselor had suggested, knowing what was wrong was a little comforting. Countless times I had wondered, what is happening to me!? Not this time. This time I knew. And even though I didn’t think there was any room in my toolbox for medication, I started to think that I had been wrong. Maybe needing a little extra help wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Maybe it didn’t mean I was a failure and a fake. Maybe I had been denying myself a very useful tool that had its place amongst the other tools. I am no stranger to depression and anxiety. I had exhibited great strength at times overcoming those emotions. One of my past yoga teachers once said that going into child’s pose, a resting pose, takes great strength because it requires you to admit that you need rest. I decided when I got home that evening and took my first antidepressant in over a decade that it wasn’t a sign of weakness, but one of strength. Here I was admitting I couldn’t do it alone and I needed help.

I was only on the pills for three days the first go around. I am a big fan of the placebo effect, and even though the pills were no placebo, they had an instant calming effect on me.

I recently finished my second go around taking the pills (this time for 2 weeks) and I noticed a difference. I spoke to my Mom briefly once my period had started. We agreed after my diagnosis that since our relationship is on the mend, it may be best if we didn’t speak leading up to my period. “You sound good!” she said. “I feel good. I slept a lot, which is unfortunate, but I don’t think forcing productivity would have been very successful. I prefer to sleep when my body needs it rather than be awake and emotional. The pills help me think clearer. Everything doesn’t seem so hopeless.”

I decided that I’m okay with needing a little help. I only feel better – emotionally and about myself – because with the help of this mild antidepressant, I have more control and can see a little more clearly and not be so reactive or destructive. I can still feel. Before going to see my doctor, I was downright scared of what was happening inside of me. I had a therapist who said, “That’s the thing about preventatives. You never know what you may have prevented.” She’s right. I consider my pills a preventative that have earned their place alongside my vitamin B.

Please keep in mind that in no way am I undermining the holistic approach that I had tried. I still continue to do these things every month and I do believe that they are beneficial. But right now at this point in my life, while I am cracking my nut open and wounded, it unfortunately just isn’t enough.

I am fortunate that I only feel this way a couple weeks at a time. For countless people, this is their daily life and there is no escape from their black pit of despair. If you have no idea what I am talking about, then I am happy for you, but I ask that you please have some compassion for those who have depression, mood and anxiety disorders, because the struggle is real.

I was torn as to whether or not to tell this story and admit all this to the world. I am worried what you all will think of me. But I went a long time without any help and seeking it out is now part of my journey to becoming a gentler, happier woman, and I am dedicated to sharing that journey. Also, I think it is important that we keep the dialogue open about mental and hormonal health and prescriptions and work on breaking down the stigma that medication is bad or for the weak-minded. Also, if you or someone you know, like your spouse or girlfriend, appears to be a different person before her period, maybe this story will encourage you to talk about PMDD.

I don’t plan to need these pills forever. I do believe that as I continue to crack the nut on my suffering and work toward a life more reflective of the one I want that I will be happier. Right now, I am rubbed raw, so the lemon juice hurts. Maybe in the not so distant future, new skin will have formed and things won’t be so painful.

But for now, this is where I’m at and I am meeting myself in the present.

This journey thus far has been an exercise in cracking the nut on my suffering; letting the light in to allow me to see better. I don’t always like what I find. But I’d much rather see, than continue to live my life with blurred vision, never really being able to make things out for exactly what they are. Through mindfulness and self-awareness I am finally seeing more clearly, and have detected some patterns in my emotions and behavior.

I have always been an emotional person, but at times those emotions are volatile. As a teenager my mood swings were chalked up to a chemical imbalance and I was diagnosed as bi-polar and prescribed medication that I rarely took because I thought it made me inauthentic. Over time, I just seemed to grow out of it, except for the one to two weeks leading up to my period, and then it was chalked up to PMS. I wonder now if my problem had always been hormonal…

Some months are better than others, depending on my life at the moment. PMS is an intensifier, like lemon on a wound. If life is going okay and stress is under control, it’s like a scratch, and a little lemon juice isn’t so bad. But if life is painful, an open wound, then PMS can make it downright unbearable. Nothing experienced during this time is disingenuous, just exacerbated. For women who are already emotional on a good day, this monthly roller coaster ride of hormones can be debilitating and destructive, disrupting work and damaging relationships.

Back in February, I experienced one of my lowest points so far this year. My mood changed directions like a weather vane in a tornado and a sense of sadness permeated my soul. On a regular day, I wake with energy and a mission before me, maintaining a fairly positive attitude as I work out, enjoy a healthy breakfast, prepare for work, fix my lunch and walk my dog, Cooper. I am focused and productive at work and my energy stays up through the evening as I continue to be productive. But some days, like back in February, getting out of bed requires monumental effort. I am exhausted, filled with dread and hopelessness. Nothing has meaning. I lay in bed as my tears soak my pillowcase and conjure possible call out excuses. Only maturity and the reality that work is a valuable distraction and that not going will only increase my anxiety gets me to slowly swing my legs out of bed. Working out doesn’t even cross my mind. By now, I will most likely be late for work anyway. I have no appetite so I skip breakfast and figure I’ll just buy lunch, something I don’t like to do, but I don’t care about money or routine. Cooper gets walked because he has to, but I don’t enjoy it, and I feel fatigued after 20 minutes. Driving to the train station, I daydream about car accidents and Cooper being left without his Mommy, and wonder if anyone would miss me…

This particular day back in February, no tool I had learned – meditation, yoga, nor positive thinking combatted the intense hopelessness and frustration that was interfering in my life. Everything was wrong. Desperate, I did something I hadn’t done in a very long time. I called my Mom and sobbed into the phone and explained every ugly emotion I was feeling. I needed sympathy, understanding, and advice. Out of my desperation came a phone call that would single handedly bring our relationship back from the brink of destruction, because she was everything I needed.

“I am so, so sorry you’re just like me,” she said. Together, we identified what might be going on. It was the same thing she had dealt with since she was in her early thirties: Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), PMS’ larger, uglier, angrier sister. Since underlying depression and anxiety are common in both PMS and PMDD, it’s possible that the hormonal changes that trigger a menstrual period worsen the symptoms of mood disorders, hence why emotions are so intensified. It made sense. I exhibited every symptom.

My mom listened and consoled, and urged me to see a doctor. “You have to call tomorrow,” she said. “If you don’t, in a few days you’ll feel better and then you won’t think it’s a big deal anymore. You need to see him while you’re feeling this way. You can’t go through this every month.”

“Can I ask for a hysterectomy?” I cried, dead serious. “You can ask, but menopause is no picnic, either.” We talked until exhaustion set in.

With some reinforcement from a friend (because the next day I felt better and the matter lost its sense of urgency), I did call the doctor. The morning of my appointment I was a mess. I sat in the chair, holding back tears. When the doctor arrived and asked what brought me in, I choked on my words. “You have no control of your emotions.” I don’t know if it was a question or an accusation, so I just nodded and let the tears stream down my face. “We can fix this,” he said.

Within minutes I was given a diagnosis of PMDD and a prescription that burned in my purse. I was back on the elevator heading down to Walnut Street, my mind reeling.

My feelings have been medicated. There wasn’t even any discussion of alternatives. Sure, what I’m feeling is extreme, but these are my feelings, and I want to FEEL them. I don’t want to be numbed! Pills kill creativity and passion – they will change me. How can he prescribe me so quickly? This isn’t just a prescription, but a stigma. What will people think? I have endured for a long time through emotional turmoil and I have done it without medication. There is no room in my toolbox for medication. Healthy, happy people don’t take medication. This isn’t who I want to be…

Already as vulnerable as a seedling during a frost, I struggled greatly with this development and all my preconceptions against medication that would never even cross my mind had anyone but myself been prescribed. But despite the struggle, I still felt a desperation. A desperation that pulled me to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. The bottle would sit in my purse for a few days, and then the medicine cabinet for weeks… unopened.

To be continued…

Please click here to read Part 2.