Summer’s over — time to get back to work. I didn’t mean to take the summer off from writing. I wish I could tell you I’ve been doing something glamorous like traveling or focusing solely on my novel or better yet, circumnavigating the globe on a sailboat while writing my novel! But mostly I’ve just been working, sweating, watching television, feeling badly about myself, and fighting depression… ya know, the normal fun stuff!

My break from writing started out well-intentioned enough. Back in June when all the schools were letting out I found myself reminiscing about the freedom and bliss of summers off with no responsibilities. I craved fewer obligations. At the time, that’s all writing had become to me. It was no longer something I felt compelled to do, or even wanted to do. It had become a chore and I was burnt out.

After some soul searching, I decided to give myself a break from writing to free myself from that sense of obligation that had been burdening me. It wasn’t an easy decision. But I’m glad I made it. At least not writing was on my account and not on account of the disappointing summer that ensued.

I’m not going to go into all the reasons why this summer wasn’t so great (it’s been one thing after another), but I will say depression and general anhedonia has been a contributing factor (hence the copious television watching). I know Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is caused by a lack of sunlight and affects people during the dark winter, but I think I suffer from another SAD – Summer Affective Disorder. Maybe it has something to do with the oppressive heat… or perhaps my body insecurities exacerbated by how horrendous I look in tank tops and swimsuits… who knows. But despite the continued suffocating heat, the calendar has turned, summer is unofficially over, and I already feel better.

Break time is over. And I have a lot of work to do… so stay tuned!

A note to all my new subscribers: Thank you for following my journey! Before this summer I posted regularly and I fully intend to return to a bi-weekly schedule. So stay tuned for more on minimalism, weight loss, and my journey to a simpler, happier, and healthier life!

As my 36th birthday approaches, I’ve been thinking about the year behind me as part of my traditional birthday reflection. Ageing is not synonymous with growing in my book, and I feel a responsibility to monitor my growth with pencil marks in a proverbial door frame. As I have said many times here, I refuse to live the same year over and over again and call it my life. Unfortunately, this year there has been some debate regarding whether I’ve grown enough.

But I can’t reflect without first acknowledging where I was this time last year.

This Time Last Year

As many of you know, last May I was the thinnest I had been since 2013. As thrilled as I was and as healthy as I thought I was, I now know that I was just a thinner, less healthy version of myself. My life revolved around food, diet and my weight while I obsessively tried to meet my birthday weight goal, which was part of a larger 40 lb. goal. I made that goal. But as many of you know, come July, I began gaining back every single one of those forty pounds over the following six months.

So here I am in May, 2018, nearly thirty pounds heavier than I was on my 35th birthday. I am fully aware of how this happened and why. But that doesn’t make it suck any less.

Argument for Stagnancy

This past weekend I found myself in a dark place uninspired, unmotivated and experiencing an alarming sense of hopelessness. I felt utterly defeated. After all my hard work, I was back where I started. Another year had passed and I hadn’t achieved the things I set out to achieve. I felt as if I spent my 35th year on a treadmill moving, but going nowhere.

Argument for Growth

Despite some setbacks, there is evidence of my forward movement and growth this past year.

My career took a huge leap forward

This past year I realized that in order to continue to advance my well-being, I needed to move on and advance in my career. After seven years with my previous employer (and a combined 13 in non-profit), I committed myself to finding a new position in a new company. It wasn’t easy! The waiting and uncertainty was torturous. But I put myself out there and expanded my search beyond non-profit, which was intimidating. Eventually, I landed a position where I get to utilize my skills, learn, and do work that I enjoy! I remain grateful every single day for my new job, my employer, the ways I’m being challenged, and my courage to forego the familiar and go in search of greener pastures.

We made a commitment to significantly reduce our debt

Thanks to an increased salary and the help of Dave Ramsey, Mike and I started the year committed to a monthly budget and paying down debt. This is significant because it falls directly in line with my goal to live a better and simpler life. The freedom of a debt-free life no longer feels so out of reach.

Our kitchen renovation is nearly complete

I never liked my kitchen. But it turns out that kitchen renovations are EXPENSIVE! So Mike and I have been diy-ing our kitchen for years, little by little, one piece at a time, saving for the big stuff like windows, flooring and countertops. Well FINALLY, our new countertops were installed this past month. For the first time since we bought our house in 2011, I like my kitchen. Yes, of course I’m grateful I at least have a kitchen — that goes without saying. But now it’s a room I actually enjoy being and cooking in.

All that’s left is the back splash and some minor touching up here and there and we’re done! This has been a project four plus years in the making, which is why it’s so significant.

Counter Argument for Stagnancy

Three things? That’s it!?

Okay I’ll admit I grew a little. But I could have done more had I spent less time scrolling on my phone, napping, and watching Netflix. I could have done more if I was more talented, disciplined and driven. I guess I don’t want to achieve my goals as much as I want to watch television and stare at my phone.

Counter Argument for Growth

First of all, my job search was intensely stressful and consumed the greater part of five months, not including the acclimation period. It required a great deal of energy above and beyond my other many “extracurricular” obligations and involvements that I manage and maintain throughout the year.

Yes, I concede to the point I could have spent less time on my phone, something I fully intend to limit this year. However, honoring the need to rest, seeking down time, and knowing my own limits clearly demonstrates growth in and of itself. Not once since achieving June’s weight loss goal have I experienced the debilitating pain of interstitial cystitis or felt ill as a result of stress.

All evidence points to positive steps taken toward living a less stressful, more peaceful, and simpler life. And besides, it doesn’t matter how fast I go, as long as I GO.

((mic drop))

Final Verdict

Fortunately I’ve learned that thoughts, as convincing as they may seem, can be cunning little liar tricksters. The above is a kinder, very much abbreviated version of the arguments that have been running through my head the past week. Thankfully, I was able to use my tools to quiet the negative voice that tried so hard to convince me I failed.

I learned and achieved a lot this past year. And as for the areas where I’ve fallen short… I’m still figuring those out. I feel good about turning 36 tomorrow. I’m excited for the year ahead and the opportunity to learn, achieve, experience and GROW even more.

I’ve been ill for seven days now. For the majority of the time I’ve been too sick to do anything but sleep or stare into space. The days have blurred together with only different patterned pajama pants and tissue boxes adding any variety. As my body attempts to heal and I try to aid it, I can’t help but wonder… I’ve been healthier than ever, so why am I so sick? As my physical illness subsides, a tremendous sadness has taken its place. I struggle to understand what’s happening to me and my body. There seems several explanations, one being that perhaps I have entered the Dark Night of The Soul.  

Illness Without Warning

Over the course of this wellness journey I’ve learned to take better care of myself: physically, mentally and spiritually. I pay attention to my body, my emotions; I practice self-care. I’ve changed. I’ve grown.

But this time… there was no warning.

Seven days ago I woke up feeling exhausted and weighed down, like my bones had been coated in adamantium steel. I slept for two days, too sick and exhausted to read or even watch television. I felt like roadkill. Then came a sore throat so excruciating it brought me to tears. I went to the doctor. She said I had a virus and gave me a steroid. By nighttime, the sore throat had let up and been replaced with a violent cough. The cough settled deeply into my lungs, and sent alien looking sputum through my mouth and nose for days. I left my home only twice during this period. The second time was for urgent care when the force of my cough ruptured a capillary in my throat and I vomited blood. That’s how I learned I had a bronchial infection/pre-pneumonia.

I still have limited use of my voice and an obscene amount of mucus and a cough that sounds similar to that of a pack a day smoker in their seventies. So I find it a little ironic that exactly one week from today I will achieve 100 days cigarette free. This will be the longest I have ever gone without smoking since I started in my teens. And yet, I’m the sickest I have ever been.

Illness Inquiry

I understand why we get sick. Germs, pathogens… I know how it works. It’s virus season and something has been going around. It is absolutely possible that I simply picked something up. And yet, I just can’t believe it’s that simple. All these efforts to be healthier, and yet I’ve been so sick… why? That is the question that gnaws at my brain. After a life of ignoring my body to devastating effects, I have learned to listen. What didn’t I hear? What is happening inside of my body?

I wondered if perhaps my lungs are detoxing… shedding. Maybe on the cusp of 100 days cigarette free my body is saying, “I believe you this time. I trust you. I will begin to let go of the fifteen plus years of abuse you have done to me.”

The symbolism and timing made sense to me. Then I realized that I’ve been shedding for a long time. Bad habits, self-destructive behaviors, unnecessary stress, negative self-talk, toxic relationships… I figured maybe my body decided to literally shed itself too.

Then yesterday, sadness overcame me.

Entering the Dark Night of The Soul

It’s been a painful and lonely week. Last night my heart broke open in self-pity and I cried a river of tears from a broken dam of my own expectations and ego. I realized how completely not special I am and felt utterly alone. It was a pity party unlike no other, and I gave in to the release. Six days of the worst sickness of your life without so much as a hug can do that to you, I suppose.

After my cry and an honest chat with a friend, I felt better. I acknowledged that my suffering was caused by my own expectations of others and that is on me, not anyone else. Also, I realized that in replaying the week I was living in the past and not the present. The sickness had clearly heightened my emotions. Being off my routine and away from most human contact for an entire week had taken its toll on me. I cushioned myself after that and laid in bed.

But today the sadness continued and I remained curious. Thankfully, the Universe provided a possible explanation… and I just love that it’s part of the hero’s journey.

“The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed.” -Joseph Campbell

Can this be a new path in my journey? I read more about the spiritual Dark Night of The Soul. It’s a process that occurs after a seeker has gained a lot of spiritual knowledge or growth when the ego attempts to strengthen its grip on us to prevent us from going further to the light.

Last night my ego was the loudest mouth at my pity party. Even while thinking the selfish, immature, egotistical thoughts I was thinking, I couldn’t help but realize how unenlightened I sounded. Last night, my ego threw a temper tantrum.

“Even though this is a very beautiful and sacred process, it can be perceived at the time as very difficult.  Especially when you are in the thick of the fog.  This is why it is called the dark night of the soul. You feel as if you are stuck in the dark with no hope of seeing the light again.  You already feel totally alone due to this process, and on top of that it is not talked about often. This is because a lot of us look for the light only and try to run away from the dark, not realizing that the dark will only grow larger the more you ignore it.” – in5d

Apparently, many people think they have done something wrong when the symptoms of the Dark Night appear, especially if they just went through so much perceived spiritual growth. I see myself in that. I said earlier that I am the healthiest I have ever been, so why now? What did I do wrong?

“When you find yourself in the Dark Night, show gratitude because you are going through a sort of rites of passage or a spiritual detox.  The pain you feel is the pain you have tried to suppress for years, decades, and even lifetimes.  It is now finally bubbling up to the surface to be healed with the love you give it.  Even though it seems painful to face this pain, you should feel honored that this pain is finally flowing out of you.  We don’t even realize the heavy baggage that we have held onto for so long.”

This all makes sense to me, and I believe that my illness may have to do with this spiritual detox. I am on the verge of the next step –I can feel it! This time of illness and inquiry helped me to understand what’s been happening. I believe I am entering a new phase, a phase of spiritual depression, and I must use this time to detach my emotions from the stories they have claimed, and cultivate love.

“The reason why we find ourselves in a Dark Night is because we are learning trust, acceptance, love, and surrender.  This is our true nature, and the ego knows this and puts up a fight.  A very strong fight!   The ego is unwilling to give up its control and fearfulness and this is perfectly normal because this is ego’s nature.  When you see it as ego’s nature and not your nature and that it is inevitable, it gives you the power to ALLOW.”

I have only begun to scratch the surface on the Dark Night of the Soul, what it means and what is to be done about it. And that’s enough for me for now. My inquiry has yielded answers that make sense to me. In the meantime, I will practice self-love. I will cushion myself, stay mindful of my ego and the false stories it tells, and practice self-care as I continue to heal from this sickness.

Things happen for a reason. I couldn’t accept this was simply a virus. I have come to know myself far too well for that. If entering into the Dark Night of the Soul, or some form of it, means moving forward, then so be it. I will enter this time of darkness, and face my lingering demons with love.

After all, on this journey, I’m my own hero.

I’m in a dark and scary place on my journey. A beast creeps around every tree, its presence surrounding me like fog. I struggle between finding the strength to be my own light and succumbing to the darkness, laying down on the damp earth, and letting it consume me.

Despite everything I know, believe and practice, I am not immune to depression. Depression is not the flu; there is no vaccine. But there are so many similarities. I feel like I’m coming down with a virus. I’m tired and unmotivated, weak and uninterested. I want to block out the sun, pull the covers over my head, and sleep.

I don’t know why I’m depressed. We don’t ask people with the flu why they have the flu. It just happens. I’m waiting and hoping this sadness runs its course. But unlike the flu, depression is not a legitimate excuse to call out from work or miss a meeting or blog post. So everything I do feels forced and exhausts me. I do what I have to do, go where I have to go, but my heart isn’t in anything. I know I am a passionate, excitable and energetic person. But lately, I feel two dimensional, flat and empty.

Like the flu, no one wants depression. It’s awful. But unlike the flu, the support and understanding from loved ones often just isn’t there, increasing the sense of loneliness, which tends to intensify the symptoms.

I know I’ll be okay, but right now I feel awful. I know I’m loved, but right now I feel alone. I know there are things I can do to feel better, but right now none of them interest me and I’m too tired. I know that right now in this very moment nothing is hurting me, but right now I’m hurting anyway.

This is my blog post this week because I am committed to writing one and I am committed to sharing my journey with you. This is where I am. I do not suspect this leg of the journey will last long, and if it does, I know I have resources to help me. I’ve seen this setting before, but I won’t say I’ve been down this road before. That’s because my journey doesn’t go in circles. And although the scenery is eerily familiar, I know it is not the same. Because I am not the same. And I know this is depression and not something someone did or something broken inside of me. Depression is the beast in the woods that is often content to leave me alone, but sometimes treks a bit too close to my trail.

I know our paths will part again.