I’m learning how to eat again. This requires substantial unlearning of everything I thought was right about diet and weight loss, but turned out to be all wrong. For those of you who don’t know, I lost forty pounds the first six months of 2017. I then proceeded to gain back 42 pounds the following six months. And even though I knew I didn’t lose all that weight in the best way possible, I still blamed myself for the weight gain, not the methods I took to lose it. But now, thanks to the bestseller Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, I understand where I’ve gone wrong all these many years. I understand why I have never been successful at lasting weight loss. And thanks to this book, I’m learning how to eat again and trust myself with food.

We Cannot Outsmart Physiology

Of all the books I’ve read on health, nutrition, weight loss, and the psychology around eating and losing weight, this one is like nothing I’ve seen before. Intuitive Eating denounces everything I’ve ever been taught about dieting my entire life — every food rule, every dieting “trick.” Because it is all those “rules” that lead us away from our natural ability to eat intuitively. For many reasons we desire to change our bodies and think we can manage our bodies better than they were designed. We think we can somehow outsmart biology and physiology. But our bodies are incredibly fine tuned machines designed to get us what we need to survive, and go into survival mode when we can’t. Nothing good happens when we tinker with the operating system.

Our bodies require certain things, like carbohydrates, to function. When we deny our bodies its preferred fuel, we crave it. Not because we’re weak, lack willpower, or are addicted, but because we need it and physiology is trying to override us. When we continue to deny our body its fuel, it shuts down its metabolism (furnace) to conserve energy. We’ve all heard this and yet we intentionally deprive ourselves of necessary fuels and voluntarily starve ourselves. Why? Because we think we can outsmart physiology.

But regardless, our bodies will find a way to get fuel (or die trying). Whether late at night or over the weekend or during an emotionally trying time, our bodies will take advantage of our vulnerable state and we won’t be able to deny it what it needs. That’s precisely what happened to me last year. For six months I denied my body much of what it needed. I was a mess as a result; exhausted, emotional, weak… and then when I took on the added stress of a job search, I allowed my body everything I had denied it over the previous six months because I was too tired to fight it any longer.

And this is not uncommon when you combine physiology with basic psychology. Anyone who understood my unhealthy and emotional eating patterns combined with my eating disorders and the drastic measures I was taking to lose weight would have known from day one I would not succeed in the long run.

But I didn’t know. Because I thought I could outsmart physiology. Now I know that I can’t. And either can you.

What is Intuitive Eating?

“Intuitive eaters march to their own inner hunger signals, and eat whatever they choose without experiencing guilt or an ethical dilemma. The intuitive eater is an unaffected eater.”

Can you imagine?

When I started reading this book I literally wondered, But who am I if I’m not weighing myself every day, tracking my food, and restricting what I eat? The thought of eating without guilt, or being unaffected was a concept I struggled to even wrap my mind around.

According to Intuitive Eating, “Intuitive eaters have unconditional permission to eat, don’t eat for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons, and rely on internal hunger/satiety cues.” After a lifetime of worsened eating disorders, increased reliance on emotional eating, additional weight gain, and bouts of restriction, I couldn’t be any further from an intuitive eater.

I consider my fuel gauge broken. I’ve eaten when not hungry and eaten to the point of discomfort, even pain. I’ve also starved myself and refused to eat. The idea of having unconditional permission to eat gave me a nervous anxiety, like standing too close to the door of a plane without a parachute. I considered stopping reading the book at the mere suggestion.

But as I read on I started to understand this concept of intuitive eating and even began to think of some real life examples. Have you ever met someone who can actually eat only one handful of chips, or eat two pieces of cake without some self-deprecating comment, or stop eating because they were disappointed of the taste of something? I do. I thought they had super powers. It turns out they’re just unaffected and know how to eat intuitively. You know who else can do this? TODDLERS.

Toddlers are natural intuitive eaters — free from societal messages about food and body image. They have an innate wisdom of food if you don’t interfere with it. They do not eat based on dieting rules and health, but what what they need when they need it.

I decided to give it a try.

Attempting to Eat Intuitively: Intuitive Eating Principles

I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but I already started practicing the ten principles of intuitive eating. If this interests you, I highly suggest reading the book as I am barely even scratching the surface in this post about the wonderful information and case studies it contains.

1. Reject the diet mentality

“If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover intuitive eating.”

This is hard. My mentality is a diet mentality. This is why I said I am in the process of unlearning. But let me tell you, ever since I have even tried rejecting my diet mentality, I have experienced a sense of liberation.

2. Honor your hunger

“Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Once you reach the moment of excessive hunger, all intentions of moderate, conscious eating are fleeting and irrelevant. Learning to honor this first biological signal sets the stage for rebuilding trust with yourself and food.”

This has been a much welcomed change. I haven’t let myself get too hungry and my body has greatly appreciated it.

3. Make peace with food

“Call a truce; stop the food fight! Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can’t or shouldn’t have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings, and, often, bingeing.”

I don’t want to be afraid of certain foods and I don’t want to have love/hate relationships with anything. Ever since giving myself permission to eat, I’m less afraid and foods are less tempting to me. It’s total reverse psychology and I am in awe at how the mind works.

4. Challenge the food police

“Scream a loud “no” to thoughts in your head that declare you’re “good” for eating under a thousand calories or “bad” because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. The Food Police monitor the unreasonable rules that dieting has created.”

This is going to be a work in progress. For a long time, my thoughts around food have been primarily black/white, good/bad and all/nothing. Allowing more flexibility in my life has been an ongoing process.

5. Feel your fullness

“Listen for the body signals that tell you that you are no longer hungry. Observe the signs that show you you’re comfortably full.”

My fuel gauge isn’t broken — I have just been ignoring it for a long time. I’m checking in with my stomach more. There is a helpful hunger scale in the book to help with this. A zero on the scale is ravenous and a 10 is stuffed to the point of discomfort. The idea is to not eat unless you’re a 3 or 4 in hunger and not eat past a 7 or 8 in fullness. I’m trying to honor this principle but I know it will take a great deal of practice.

6. Discover the satisfaction factor

“In our fury to be thin and healthy, we often overlook one of the most basic gifts of existence—the pleasure and satisfaction that can be found in the eating experience.”

Who wants to eat bland oatmeal for breakfast and steamed chicken and vegetables for dinner? And who wants to eat with people they can’t stand or in a filthy car? I am a pleasure seeker, and granted I have relied on food for too much pleasure, I totally understand the need for satisfaction in eating and the eating environment.

7. Cope with your emotions without using food

“Find ways to comfort, nurture, distract, and resolve your emotional issues without using food.”

Figuring this out will be my life’s work. I will just leave it at that.

8. Respect your body

“Accept your genetic blueprint. Respect your body, so you can feel better about who you are.”

I don’t want unrealistic; I just want healthy.

9. Exercise – feel the difference

“Forget militant exercise. Just get active and feel the difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie burning effect of exercise.”

Last year when I wasn’t eating enough in order to make my weight loss goal, I felt weak. I had stopped going to yoga because I wasn’t strong enough. The only exercise I did was cardio. This past month, even before starting this book, I finally got back to yoga and started a light weight routine. I feel the difference; I feel healthier and stronger. I’m not exercising because I have to. I do it because I want to.

10. Honor your health – gentle nutrition

“Make food choices that honor your health and taste buds while making you feel good. Remember that you don’t have to eat a perfect diet to be healthy.”

Principles 9 and 10 are the only two I really don’t need to work on. But I do love that this is a principle and that it’s number 10, no less. In order to eat intuitively you first need to make peace with food, then you can focus on tweaking what you eat in order to get the nutrition you need. But first, we need to establish a healthy relationship with food. Thankfully, although I haven’t had a healthy relationship with food, I do eat nutritiously most of the time.

Conclusion

I was never good at listening to my body and thought I could out-think it. I wanted what I couldn’t have and found no satisfaction in what I could. (Ask my Mom and she will tell you this applied to more than food and eating.)

Intuitive Eating provides ample scientific evidence why restriction and dieting does not work long-term. There is nothing wrong with me and I see that now. There was everything wrong with my beliefs and my approach. Now I believe the solution is getting back to basics and listening to our bodies and relearning how to eat intuitively. It won’t be easy. But I have already experienced a sense of liberation. In fact, I am eating less now that I have permission to eat whatever I want. I’m not shackled by guilt and longing. I am not over-eating because I tell myself it’s the last time I can ever have anything. I’m not looking for compromises to appease my cravings, foods that never quite satisfy me and always leave me longing for the real thing. I am not nearly as pre-occupied with food.

That is a glorious thing.

And like I said, I am checking in. I have been an emotional eater as long as I can remember. Last week my emotions were screaming to be numbed with a giant sandwich and potato chips. I didn’t tell myself I couldn’t have it, but I did ask, gently, lovingly, if there was something else that might make me feel better not just while eating, but also after. The part of me crying out for chips wiped her nose with her sleeve and whispered, “soup.” The adult in me replied, “Okay, sweetie” and took her for a big bowl of Vietnamese pho.

This is the sort of work around food this book is helping me with. I am learning how to eat again.

What do you think? Do you consider yourself an intuitive eater? In what ways do you eat intuitively? What are your biggest struggles?

Stress is no stranger to me. It’s caused me small breakdowns, hair loss, and even an autoimmune disease. More than anything, it’s made me fat. I handle stress better now thanks to everything I’ve learned these past few years, especially mindfulness. Overthinking, mainly about unknowns, contributes mightily to stress. You don’t overthink as much when you live in the present. But these past few months living in the present has been a challenge. So I’ve been stressed. And stress sucks.

Weight Loss Update

Remember that weight loss challenge I did? I lost forty pounds in six months! You may have wondered if I’ve been able to maintain that weight loss. The answer is no, I haven’t. The challenge ended June 30. The very next week I had my first of many job interviews. I went right from the physical and mental stress of the weight loss challenge to the stress of a job search. Over the course of the next several months I gained back twenty of the forty pounds I lost. I am obviously not rid of my eating disorder or overwhelming desire to turn to food when I am under stress or feeling emotional. The uncertainty, the waiting, the hoping, the expectations, the rejection, the disappointment… food is still the salve.

Stress sucks and I still haven’t learned to cope with it. Tremendous progress has been made, yes. But the struggle is still very real. My go-to coping mechanism remains that of eating and numbing my emotions with food.

Stress Abated

But alas, the stress is broken and I feel much better. You see, my job search finally came to a close this week when I formally accepted a new position and resigned from my current one. I feel like I can have my life back now. I feel like I have something new and exciting to look forward to.

But then why am I currently craving potato chips and chocolate like my life depends on it?

Because addiction is a cruel mistress.

Over the past several months I haven’t been able to string more than four successful/healthy days together. I am addicted to flour and sugar and shit once more.

The causes for my eating are diminished yet the cravings remain. I don’t feel well. My face is broken out and I’m bloated. My cravings make me cranky and I feel tired.

Next Steps

But I know what I have to do now. I have to find the strength and energy to power through a detox of limited flour, sugar and processed foods, and abstain from alcohol. I managed to do this for four days a couple weeks ago and I felt like a rock star; my energy surged, I lost seven pounds, and my cravings subsided.

I want to start this next chapter of my career feeling great! I have a few weeks to prepare, and know precisely what I need to do. Wish me luck!

And yes, of course the goal is to stop taking two steps forward and then one step back when life gets tough and stress comes knocking. But this life of mine is a journey and I’m still learning…

How do you cope with stress?

Fear in our minds produces fear in our lives. The fear-mind’s goal is to keep us living in a state of inadequacy, doubt and despair. I lived there for a very long time, encased in a shell of darkness at the mercy of my master. When I finally cracked the shell of my suffering, I saw a glimmer of light. Over the past several years I have learned to quiet my fear-mind. But now it is time to say goodbye once and for all.

“The mind cannot serve two masters,” Marianne Williamson writes in A Course in Weight Loss. In any moment we are either host to love or hostage to the fear-mind.

“The fear-mind leads to suffering as sure as the Divine Mind leads to joy. The various ways people anesthetize themselves today – whether through substances or pharmaceuticals – is a wail from the deep: Please don’t make me have to choose.”

But choose I must. And choose I did.

I wrote a letter to my fear-mind, the imposter who’s been masquerading as me, following the instructions laid out in A Course in Weight Loss. Here is my letter.

Dear Imposter,

For a long time I’ve allowed you to reside within me. I believed every disturbing word you said and acquiesced your every demand. I allowed your intrusion in my life and in my mind because you were always there. Terrified of what my own thoughts might be, I chose yours instead. After all, you were the Devil I knew, and I certainly didn’t trust myself.

So I allowed your terrible influence on me. You gave me permission to do bad things when I was on the fence, and goaded me when I resisted. You bullied me relentlessly and wore me down. I allowed it because I was desperately lonely and you were my constant companion, better than nothing at all. You binged on my sorrow, engorging yourself with power.

The stronger you got, the crueler you became. Only the worst of friends know someones deepest secrets, shames, and guilt and uses them to their own advantage. You projected my personal demons into my mind’s eye like a deranged curator of the museum of my darkest depths. Then once I was good and destroyed, you lead me by the hand to comfort in whatever form was available at the time.

That was your goal, wasn’t it? I was the source that got you your fix.

Until recently, I actually thought you were helping me. We disassociated together and numbed ourselves. It felt safe… until I came to at least. I realize now how much you were hurting me. You made me dependent and addicted and kept me chained in a prison of my own fears and negative thoughts, tracing a small triangle of destructive behaviors.

You said it was everyone and everything else that hurt me. I believed you. And so I placed my blame everywhere else and raged against the world while you got to stand by my side, the Devil in my corner.

But I’m onto you now, Imposter. I have come to realize it was YOU who hurt me more than anyone or anything else ever did.

I see your pattern and manipulation clearly. And I see that you need me more than I ever needed you. You need me, your host, to feed your insatiable desires for pleasure in all its destructive forms. But I will no longer be your source.

I’ve come to realize it is YOU who are weak. You feed on the sorrows of those in pain. You’re nothing more than a parasite. You’re small and insignificant and you cannot live here anymore. You cannot hurt me anymore. You are nothing.

I can stand alone in my own body and in my own mind. I know you know this because I can feel your fear and anger over being cast aside. It’s been some time since you’ve fed on me. There’s been little sorrow to feed on. I see you in the corner of my mind emaciated and scared. But I feel no compassion for you. There is nothing here for you and I will not help you.

You have to go.

I’m not afraid anymore. Not of you, not of being alone, not of anything I’ve done, and not of anything that’s happened before or what may happen tomorrow. Do you know why?

Because I am a warrior.

Because I live for today.

Because I have faith that whatever happens, I am loved and the Universe will provide. My heart is open and I have experienced the joy and light of Divine Mind.

I am well supported. Not just by my family and friends, but also by me.  I am well-armed with tools and knowledge. Most of all, I am armed with LOVE.

Give up this fight. You’re a demon, and I command you to leave. You cannot win.

You’re the last lingering darkness within my soul. But unfortunately for you, I was meant to SHINE.

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July was a slippery tightrope on which I could not get a firm grip despite my efforts. Obligations battled for attention, sickness sidelined me, pressures built, and schedules filled. As so often happens when I’m overwhelmed, a critical component of my well being suffered: my health. But rather than write off an entire month, I’m trying something different. I’m giving myself credit where it’s due, identifying areas for improvement, and most importantly, examining where I lost my balance in life so I can maintain it next time a strong wind blows.

Where I Lost My Balance

It’s a shame that the first thing to suffer when life gets hectic is most often ourselves. I can count on one hand the number of times I exercised in July. I barely meditated. I hardly cooked. I bought lunch and takeout when I didn’t need to, spending money I didn’t want to and consuming food I hadn’t planned to.

One day in the middle of the month I felt an urgent need to reset. I was inspired and energized, so I wrote “How to Reset Body and Mind to Feel Better Instantly.”

My reset lasted one day.

I was unable to follow my own formula, which has worked countless times. And so I struggled two more weeks, hopping on and falling off the tightrope until I was exhausted and defeated.

Coincidentally, the winds have died just in time for a new month. I am firmly planted on my rope and feel balanced. Before I take a step, however, I think it is important to examine where I lost my balance. I have my friend, Robin Renee to thank for that. You see, she commented on my post about resetting with words of wisdom that resonated with me:

“I try to notice, gently, what led me off the path. When I notice consciously that I am overeating out of nervousness or emotional upset, it’s a little easier to stop and make a better choice. If I find I am being reactionary out of anger directed at self or other, I might take the first steps toward looking at the underlying issue rather than punishing myself by being inactive or something similar. To do that kind of self-reflection, while being kind to myself regardless of what I find, is a practice that has seen me through a lot in recent years.”

I didn’t manage to do this in the throes of July’s chaos. But since stress and life is certain to keep happening, Robin has helped me to realize that the best way to prevent losing balance in the future is to “notice, gently” what led me off my rope. Did I stumble for the sake of stumbling? Am I weak and undisciplined? Am I a failure?

No.

First of all, June depleted me physically, emotionally and mentally as I was consumed with achieving my weight loss goal. I needed some time to recuperate and take it easy and so I allowed that for myself.

But then I got sick with an upper respiratory infection. I was so miserable that my cravings for comfort in the form of food came out in full force. I was not strong or well enough to resist them. And so for nearly an entire week I slept, binge-watched Vikings, and ate whatever I wanted.

After that, things were just… full… and I struggled to gain my footing since so many things required my attention. Keep in mind that not everything was necessarily bad. In addition to the tough stuff a lot of significant and positive things happened. It was just a lot. The rest of the month felt like one long uphill climb. Each obligation, social event, and appointment was a checkpoint I was relieved to cross. Time off was hard to come by, and so I used it to sit and rest (and eat) rather than reset.

Areas For Improvement

I do not say any of this to make excuses. I’m simply “noticing.” There is a learning opportunity here, which is why I’m reflecting. The first step to doing better is to understand where I went wrong.

I see now that next time I do something particularly taxing, I need to plan close-ended recovery time. Next time I get sick, I must remember to stock up with “healthy” comfort food since even sickness is no deterrent to my appetite. And if my schedule gets too full, I need to find windows for rest, but also windows for self-care, even if that means rescheduling some things.

Clearly, I still have work to do understanding and prioritizing my priorities. My health is a high priority, yet my actions don’t reflect that when life gets full. I must prioritize my diet, exercise and well-being regardless of the winds life kicks up. 

Giving Credit Where It’s Due

I struggled this past July and I lost my balance in life. But with that being said, I see great progress in how I handled a difficult month. Despite falling off my rope, I continued to step back on even if I only held my balance a few hours before stumbling again. Three years ago I would have cut the rope and burned it.

Throughout it all, I didn’t smoke a cigarette and celebrated my one-year cigarette-free-versary on July 23. Although my eating was poor, I made better bad choices. And although this past month affected my relationship with my self, it didn’t spread farther than that. It didn’t leave me emotionally erratic or cause tension in any of my other relationships. This is a tremendous victory.

I am a work in progress and like everyone else, I’m doing the best I can. My performance this past July was my best. But now after reflecting on where I stumbled, I feel confident that with practice I will continue to improve my balancing skills.

Well everyone, I did it! I lost 40 pounds in six months and met my HealthyWage deadline in the nick of time!

I feel wonderful! But I have to admit, those last two weeks were a real struggle, not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I still have a ways to go, too. But when I look at those two photos side by side, I feel incredibly accomplished and proud.

Everyone’s support has been invaluable! I can’t thank you enough for your encouragement, positive reinforcement, and all around great energy. It took a village, and I could not have done this without you. THANK YOU.

Inspiration

I’ve been told many times since I posted my victory photo that I am inspiring. That is an incredible thing to hear, and something I do not take lightly. I know better than anyone how difficult substantial weight loss can be. And many people have since emailed me with one question, often written exactly like this:

HOW?!?!?!?!

Like so many others struggling with their weight, I truly feel that I have tried everything. So it’s no surprise to me that people think I may have some secret method they haven’t tried before. The fact is that I don’t. I have been writing about my weight loss journey here for some time now. But it is true that I have had great success with specific tools. So I evaluated all that I’ve done and all that has helped me over the past several months so I could tell you how I lost 40 pounds in six months.

10 Things I Attribute Most to My Weight Loss

1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I know it may be risky to start with this, but please don’t stop reading. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has changed everything for me, and so deserves the top spot on my list. In the simplest terms, CBT is a type of psychotherapy in which negative patterns of thought about the self and the world are challenged in order to alter unwanted behavior patterns. It may sound technical, but it’s not. CBT helped me to identify and understand the destructive thought patterns I was literally trapped in, especially when it came to food and ideas around my body and weight. Read my post Cognitive Therapy for Weight Loss for more information and to see this process at work.

I am absolutely convinced now that true, lasting weight loss must start in the brain. How can we possibly repair our bodies without repairing our thought patterns and habits first?

2. Competition: Fitbit Workweek Hustles

I am a competitive person. Knowing this about myself, I use it to my advantage. I love my Fitbit and diligently track my steps. The first week of January my friend, the talented writer, Glenn Walker invited me to a weekly Fitbit challenge called a Workweek Hustle where up to ten challengers compete for bragging rights. One week of friendly competition turned into six full months! Every week (and many weekends in the Weekend Warrior) a group of Fitbit “friends” compete for a virtual trophy, monitor each other’s progress, and talk a little smack. It has kept me active and getting more than my fair share of daily steps.

Many thanks to my friendly Fitbit community!

3. HealthyWage (Financial incentives)

Last December I made a bet with HealthyWage in order to utilize the power of financial incentives. I honestly don’t think I would have hit that forty pound goal if it weren’t for the $1,548 prize pot at stake. Check out my post Betting on Myself with a Drastic HealthyWager for more details on HealthyWage. And if you sign up for a HealthyWager of your own using this referral link, an extra $40 will be added to each of our prize pots.

4. Meticulous meal planning and preparation

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Without my meal plan, I am a sailor at sea without a map. And so every weekend I take the time to meticulously meal plan for the week ahead, including breakfasts, lunches and dinners. It keeps me organized, minimizes stress around food, and prevents unplanned and last minute calls for takeout. (As an added bonus, meal planning also saves us money and prevents food waste. A meal plan makes creating a grocery list a breeze. No more guesswork or buying anything that goes unused.)

5. The support of friends and family

You know those days when you’re really being good and eating well, and then your husband suggests pizza and mozzarella sticks for dinner? Or a girlfriend calls you up and invites you out for wine and nachos?

Me, too… but not these past few months. That’s because my husband, Mike, family and friends have been incredibly supportive and mindful of my goal and desire to eat healthy. Incredibly so!

For example, a few weeks ago I was shredding cauliflower for a cauliflower crust pizza, when Mike said he was going to order his own pizza. I burst into tears. No, it was not an appropriate response, and not fair to Mike, but I couldn’t help it (like I said, weight loss is an emotional journey, too.) I was instantly terrified and didn’t know how I would resist the temptation of his delicious white flour crust pizza next to my cauliflower one.

“Okay, okay,” he said. “I don’t want to eat that though,” he said pointing at the mountain of cauliflower “snow.” “What if I order a wrap? Will that be better for you?” It was, and he did.

When Philadelphia Restaurant Week came around this past winter, Kathy declined my invitation to our traditional lunch.

“You know,” she wrote, “I have given this a lot of thought, even before your fitness/weight loss challenge. And I am going to decline. I will though, include a challenge: let’s look at the menus and see if we can recreate, with healthy/light ingredients some of our favorite dishes. We can recreate restaurant week, and still meet our fitness goals.”

I was so surprised, and then disappointed. Restaurant Week only comes twice a year! I expressed my disappointment, but reluctantly agreed. As usual, she responded with greater wisdom:

“This is where we compare and prioritize what we really want; and make the grown-up choices of how to choose the path that gets us to where we REALLY want to end up in the long term. Is it going to be disappointing along the way as we have to say goodbye to choices we otherwise would have made? Hell yes, darling. That is the pain of being human. I do know though, that God does reward us tenfold; we just never can see it until later. Proud of you!!”

See what I mean about support!?! I consider myself extremely fortunate.

And those are only two of hundreds of examples. It’s my Mom baking me sweet potatoes instead of white; friends running restaurants past me when making plans; my friend, Suzanne picking a place for happy hour that has awesome custom salads; Mike eating what I eat (99% of the time); people giving me the space and time to make good decisions, non-judgement, compassion…

I could NOT have done this without that support and patience and LOVE. Every single one of the most important people in my life wanted me to succeed. And they all did their part to help make it happen.

I wish I could name everyone who was supportive of this challenge personally, but there are far too many of you. Please know that I noticed, and that I appreciate you.

6. No junk food in the house

I could convince myself all day I’ve learned enough and am now strong enough to keep “treats” in the house. Maybe I am, but I see no reason to test myself. All I’d be doing is tempting myself. And decision fatigue happens. Shitty days happen. And it’s best that I don’t have something to reach for in those moments of weakness.

And so I don’t keep junk food in the house. It’s that simple.

7. The adoption of a simple philosophy: “Eat real food, mostly vegetables, not too much.”

Author and activist Michael Pollan wrote that. I have finally succeeded in being turned off by artificial (toxic) foods, flavors, and colorings. If it was made in a plant and has more than ten ingredients, many of which I can’t pronounce, I DON’T EVEN WANT IT. That includes you, Doritos. There are healthier alternatives. Organic non-gmo popcorn sprinkled with nutritional yeast; salt and vinegar potato chips made with only four ingredients, including healthier oil; real ice cream made with real cream… Our food has gotten so far from actual food that it literally turns my stomach. I don’t want it anymore. I’ll take the real food, thank you.

And so that is precisely how and what I eat: real food, mostly vegetables, not too much.

I love to cook, fortunately. I admit that certainly gives me a slight advantage. Our meals consist of real food every day, and yes, lunch and dinner is mostly vegetables. I am also mindful of portion sizes after years of weighing, measuring, and counting calories (which I no longer feel the need to do.) Something I learned the French say has also helped prevent me from eating too much. They don’t use “hungry” and “full” the way we do here in the states, as if there are two only options. They use “hungry” and “without hunger.” That stuck with me. And so now I always try never to eat until I am full and uncomfortable. I eat until I am without hunger.

8. Tracking

I gave up calorie counting several years ago after years of dutifully doing it and seeing no results. I concluded it doesn’t work for me long term and causes me stress. If it works for you, then cool, keep doing it. What does work for me, however, is food journaling. I write down everything I eat every day, as well as my exercise, and I assign myself a grade from A+ through F based on a personal rubric I designed. I calculate an average GPA at the end of every month. (Data nerd, remember?) As you may imagine, this recovering perfectionist strives for A’s and B’s.

Call this the accountability factor. If I eat it, I write it down. And I don’t want some late night binge dragging down my entire GPA.

9. Daily weigh-ins

I weigh myself every single day. And I recently wrote a post 7 Reasons Why I Weigh Myself Every Day, so I will direct you to that for more on why this has been so beneficial.

10. Yoga

It has pained me to give up yoga these past few weeks as I cut my calories so much during crunch time that I didn’t have the strength for class. Now that I have taken the weekend to rest and eat and regain my strength, I am eager to get back to yoga.

Yoga has taught me so much about my body, its limits, and its capabilities. Yoga has helped me feel strong and empowered. Next to walking, it is my favorite form of exercise. Probably because it is so much more than exercise. It is an experience of body, mind and spirit. I enjoy seeing how far my body has come, and what it can now do that it recently could not.

So there you have it. That’s in large part how I lost 40 pounds in six months. My advice: keep trying tips, methods, programs, and tricks until you discover what works for YOU. Tell people your goals so that they can support you in them. We’re all different and motivated by different things. If I learned anything at all, it’s that all journeys must go through a process. We must discover what doesn’t work for us in order to discover what does. Don’t stick with one program because people tell you it’s best if you’re not seeing results. Give yourself the freedom and flexibility to experiment!

After all, that’s what I did for years. And it eventually paid off. That’s how I lost 40 pounds in six months.

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For years I weighed myself religiously every Friday morning. It was something I looked forward to, denying myself the privilege of even a sneak peek any other time throughout the week. This was a rule by which I faithfully abided. Who made the rule? I have no idea. But I remember hearing it throughout my life spoken by my mom, friends’ moms, the gym teacher that doubled as a health class teacher, the people in the Weight Watchers commercials, the guest doctor on Ricki Lake… The message was always the same: weighing yourself more than once a week resulted in weight obsession and demoralizing frustration over naturally occurring fluctuations.

I listened and abided by that rule in a way I only wish I had about the dangers of cigarettes and drugs (and boys). I was convinced that one extra weigh in was a slippery slope to anorexia. And so I listened to all those women and doctors and waited for Friday mornings.

Until April 9, 2016, which was a Saturday. Looking at my years’ worth of carefully logged weights, I can recall precisely what compelled me to break my cardinal rule and weigh myself that morning. You see, the weight that Saturday morning was exactly 2.1 pounds more than the morning before it. I must have gone out that Friday night or over-indulged and my curiosity about the damage got the best of me. It felt like ten pounds and I assumed it would be five or six. But no, it was 2.1. And the very next day? Back to Friday’s weight.

And that brings me to the seven reasons why I weigh myself every day.

1. Weighing myself every day STOPS the obsession and stories around NOT knowing.

This is the reason why it all started. I was convinced I had gained five pounds in one Friday night. I was often convinced of this. And I let the story play on repeat ALL.WEEK.LONG. I guessed and anticipated and obsessed over my weight based on what I ate one day. It was exhausting. Weighing myself stops all of that. And more often than not, I am pleasantly surprised. The stories in our heads are often worse than the reality.

2. One number no longer has the power to ruin my weekends.

There were so many weekends that were literally ruined by my Friday weight. I gave that digital number on the scale the power to set the tone for my entire weekend. That number either validated or condemned my efforts for the entire week before it, deeming it either a success or epic failure. And when it was bad, I carried anger and frustration with me. Especially if I thought I should weigh less than I did. As a result, I often overate that weekend to make myself feel better. And many of us know how well that works…

3. It allows for the detection of weight patterns and trends.

Weighing in once a week doesn’t provide enough data to work with in a productive way, especially if you’re a data nerd like me. All those weeks I thought I did great only to find the same number on the scale come Friday infuriated and demotivated me. Weight fluctuations occur for so many reasons. Maybe on a particular Friday I hadn’t had a bowel movement recently. Or maybe I was retaining water from PMS. There are days that I think the scale should be lower than it is, but it just takes another perfectly normal day, and then boom, my weight drops three pounds. There is not always a rhyme or reason to our weight. But when we weigh ourselves daily and keep notes, we can begin to create a bigger and clearer picture that we can make sense of. Which leads me to number four…

4. Small gains are no longer the end of the world.

When you weigh yourself daily, you come to understand your body, hormonal changes, and natural fluctuations. And when you begin to understand how your body operates, small weight gains no longer signify demoralizing failure.

5. When weighing myself daily I can see just how fast I can lose (or gain) weight.

Weighing in every day keeps me honest. I don’t know about you but I have seen upwards of seven pound weight increases after particularly social weeks. A few of those strung together and you can find yourself in serious trouble. But being armed with daily updates eliminates shocking surprises. The more often you weigh yourself, the less chance there is of weight gain (or loss if that’s what you’re trying to avoid) sneaking up on you.

But if weight loss is your goal, like it is mine, then you can also see how one stellar day of healthy eating, lots of water, and exercise can move the scales in your favor, which is super motivating!

6. I can identify set-points far more easily.

It is really difficult to identify true set-points when you only weigh yourself once a week. I know when I have hit a set point because my weight is the same to the ounce multiple days in a row. And when it does change a little in either direction, it goes right back to that number again. When this happens consistently over the course of two to three weeks, I know I’ve plateaued and need to step up up my game to power through it.

7. Weighing myself every day motivates me to try harder.

I no longer allow myself to indulge early in the week because the saboteur in my brain convinced me I can correct any damage by my Friday weigh-in. Now, every day matters more because every morning I face the reality of my actions from the day before. Weighing myself every day has quieted that voice that tries to bargain and manipulate. “It’s only Monday,” the saboteur would say. “You can totally get a cheeseburger and fries and just be good the rest of the week.” More often than not, I’d listen.

But not anymore. Every day matters.

Is it any wonder why weighing myself only once a week didn’t work for me?

Now trust me when I say that what works for me may NOT work for you. I am simply sharing what DOES work for me, and giving you the permission to try something different. I literally felt wrong when I started weighing myself daily, like I was committing a crime. I reluctantly confessed to my counselor what I had started doing, expecting her to reprimand me for doing something so foolish. But instead, she said, “If that’s what you want to do, try it.”

“Really!” I asked, surprised.

“You need permission? I give you permission.”

And I have been weighing myself daily ever since.

Obviously I am doing lots of other things to help me lose weight. Weighing yourself every day is not the secret to weight loss. But if you are working to lose weight, you may want to give it a try, or maybe start with several times a week. But if your system isn’t broken, then don’t fix it! My previous system of weighing in once a week was broken. And if yours isn’t serving you, then give yourself the permission to try something different, regardless of what you’ve been told.

There are no blanket rules that apply to everyone. And besides, it seems the “rules” are changing. I was happy to see my claim that weighing yourself more often may be beneficial backed up by the latest research. It was revealed at The Obesity Society’s Annual Scientific Meeting that weighing in at least four times a week can help you drop more pounds. According to Shape magazine, other studies have also shown that frequent weigh-ins increase your motivation by helping you monitor your progress. In fact, another quick Google search results in loads of articles suggesting the same thing.

It works for me.

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I’m tired. Sure, it’s the most wonderful time of the year to be stressed and overwhelmed after all. But that’s not only why I’m tired. I’m tired because I have three events over the next three days all centered around food. The thought of navigating said events without overindulging exhausts me. The holidays are a particularly difficult time of the year for people with weight and food issues. But on top of the usual food anxiety, I have added pressure this year. You see, I’m participating in a clinical study and there is a weight requirement. A requirement I didn’t quite make…

But let me back up.

On the first of December I began enrollment for the clinical study. If you haven’t participated in one before, trust me that there is a lot involved. A twenty plus page consent form to review, physical, blood testing, other examinations… I was two hours in to my appointment when the doctor asked if I knew what my BMI (body mass index) was. “I believe it’s thirty-four,” I said. “Oh, good,” she said. “Thirty-five or higher is an automatic exclusion in the study.”

It was time for me to undress and prepare for the examination portion of this lengthy enrollment process. I sat on the edge of the examination table holding my thin pink gown closed around my naked body when the doctor returned looking forlorn. My heart sank.

“What is it?” I asked.

She placed her hands on my knees, a kind gesture. “I am so sorry, but I just calculated your BMI and you don’t qualify.”

Stunned, my mind kicked into overdrive. “I lost weight since my last visit!” I exclaimed hopefully. “Weigh me again,” I demanded, sliding off the table.

My attitude energized the doctor. “Let’s do this!” she said. “Take off your necklace, take off your earrings.” It would have been funny if it wasn’t so desperate. “I won’t ask you to take off your robe.”

“Oh God, please don’t.” Even though this women would eventually perform a breast exam and place her fingers inside of me, I have my limits. They include standing naked on a scale in front of an audience.

Just as I had known, I lost weight since my last appointment. Not too shabby for a week after Thanksgiving, if I do say so myself. The doctor punched the numbers into her BMI calculator. She looked up at me, sadly.

“Thirty-five POINT three.”

“POINT three?” I asked in disbelief.

She nodded.

Tears welled in my eyes. For the first time in my life I wouldn’t be able to do something solely because of my weight. And that is an incredibly harsh reality.

She placed a sympathetic arm around my shoulders as I apologized profusely.

“No, no, I’m sorry,” she said. “That BMI is too low. Nearly half my patients have a BMI higher than 35.”

“How much weight does the point three amount to?” I asked, wiping my eyes.

“Two pounds.”

“I can lose two pounds.”

“I know you can. But unfortunately we can’t continue with the examination at this point. But we can reschedule for a month from now.”

“Will we have to do everything over?”

“Yes, but don’t you worry about that.”

She gave me another compassionate squeeze and left me to get dressed. I was mortified. And full of self-loathing.

After a short while she returned looking much more positive than when she departed.

“Don’t kill me,” she started. “But I re-read through all the guidelines and it turns out we can continue with the examination and record your weight at your second visit next week!”

“So I just have to lose two pounds in a week and we can stay on schedule?”

“Yep!”

“I can do that!”

“Great! I have to ask you to get undressed again.”

This was turning into one hell of an emotional rollercoaster…

So let’s fast forward to yesterday, December 7, the day before my appointment. I weighed myself in the morning and I had succeeded in losing the two pounds plus a little extra for wiggle room (pun intended). I felt accomplished and relieved. The pressure would soon be off.

But then I received a phone call in the evening. All my test results hadn’t come in yet so my appointment would have to be postponed after all. Now, after all that, I have to maintain this weight twelve more days… and right in the midst of a jam packed holiday social calendar. FUN! It will be my twelve days of Christmas indeed. On the first day of Christmas, I’ll forego bread and pasta, on the second, dessert, on the third, cheese… oh God, help me.

The pressure is on. Willpower is not infinite. Like a fuel tank, it runs low. Too much use and you’ll find yourself on empty. I don’t expect everyone to understand this struggle. But there are those of you whom I know full well do understand. And also understand that one dinner out can add three pounds and the Christmas weight struggle is real. When food is a trigger, three nights of festivities and dinners (two of which are at Italian restaurants) is daunting. I am nervous and anxious.

But then again, I have the tools and I know I can do this. I am looking at these twelve days as an opportunity. An opportunity to test myself, practice tools, and shift my focus from the food to the people I will be spending time with. I am intrigued by the possibility of going through a holiday season not feeling bloated and indulgent, but instead feeling healthy and balanced. It will certainly make picking out my outfits easier… and give me added confidence especially with visiting friends and family I haven’t seen in a while.

I’m up to the challenge. Will I make my goal? Stay tuned to find out…

Like physical exercise, spiritual exercise works only if we do it. Even better is if we not wait to do it until we find ourselves in trouble. Often we work out hard after overindulging. This is not unlike our relationship with prayer. We often surrender spiritually and reach for a higher power when disaster has struck. Lesson 8 of Marianne Williamson’s A Course In Weight Loss stresses the utmost importance of practicing spiritual surrender. The goal is to get us surrendering to the divine and calling on the power that dwells within us all before disaster strikes. This is how we can begin to deconstruct and dissolve the emotions that lead to emotional overeating.

Lesson 8 calls for practicing spiritual surrender by handwriting a prayer 30 times morning and night for three days. The prayer is:

Dear God, please feed my hunger and restore my right mind. Teach me how to love.

When I first read lesson 8, I had a strong and immediate response. It was, “I’m not doing that.”

I thought the assignment was silly and unnecessarily time-consuming. But then something my friend, Kathy says came to mind and that’s more or less that it is often the things we have an adverse response to that we need most. Then I also realized this wasn’t that different than reciting “I have a choice” forty times for forty days while setting an intention for my mala. I also committed to doing every lesson in this book. So I picked a journal that I had been “saving” for a special occasion, gifted to me by another friend. It is leather bound with the impression of a magnificent tree, and has beautiful parchment pages. I knew this was the proper place to put my prayers.

And so, feeling slightly foolish, I sat and wrote my prayer thirty times, an image of Bart Simpson at the blackboard coming to mind. Then I did it the following evening, the next morning and so on until I was done.

This is not a religious blog, nor do I write about prayer here, so please bear with me if this isn’t your cup of tea.

I learned that the prayer is not unlike an intention. Throughout the act of repetition I began to really dissect the plea. I use food to feed my hunger, although my hunger is not for food. I still don’t know completely what I’m hungry for, but I know I am not in my right mind when I attempt to satiate my hunger with food. It has something to do with love, particularly the lack of love I have for myself.

Through the repetition I found some strength and ease. Then I disregarded it until I began to write about this lesson. I didn’t practice surrendering enough to make it habit. It would be amazing if I could surrender during difficult moments at the very least, but that is when I find it is hardest because I’m in some sort of blackout, autopilot state (more on that when I recap lesson 9). Surrendering when things are going well doesn’t even occur to me. This is why this lesson requires mental discipline. Through the process of writing about spiritual surrender, I have come to understand it more.

The book makes a point of reminding us that if one antibiotic doesn’t knock out an infection, it doesn’t mean it’s not working. “Prayer is spiritual medicine,” Williamson wrote.

“[Prayer] boosts your spiritual immune system by increasing the depth of your surrender. Whether or not you believe it works is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter what you think about surrendering to the divine. All that matters is that you surrender.“

Williamson continues to say that, “In all things, spiritual surrender marks the end of struggle and the beginning of true ease.” The point is to establish the mental discipline of calling on a higher power as a regular practice to cultivate and maintain serenity, not just in hours of need. The lesson is meant to dismantle our resistance to doing that.

“Spiritual surrender is a full-throttle willingness to let go of everything – every thought, every pattern, and every desire – that blocks love from entering into you and extending through you.”

It is a beautiful concept. I also happen to know it works. The problem is remembering to surrender. In times of struggle we often become so protective, and go so far inward, or leave our bodies completely, that surrendering or calling on something higher than ourselves does not occur to us. We become entirely narrow-minded and focused on survival.

Therefore, spiritual surrender will take a lot more discipline on my part in order for it to become a part of my daily practice.

How do you practice spiritual surrender? Any words of advice?

Earlier this week I wrote about overeating, forgiving myself and moving on after an indulgent weekend. I accepted the fact that I once again set myself back, but I used my cognitive therapy skills to put a stop to the destructive behavior and guilt and reset. I thought I’d need a week of perfect eating to get back to where I was before the holiday weekend. Well, it appears my next step in this weight loss process needs to be changing my perception. That’s because the day after I forgave myself and gave my body a break, my weight was right back to where I was before the weekend. I was stunned.

Perception

It’s funny. My perception of a “fuck up” is still the same despite my eating habits and activity levels being so vastly improved over the past two years. For example, two weeks ago I worked out hard at the gym in the morning, ate a well-balanced breakfast and then a light lunch. But then I ate one and a half soft pretzels (this Philly delicacy tests me to my absolute limits). I justified eating them because I had such a great workout that morning.

But those damn pretzels sat heavy in my belly anyway and even heavier in my mind. I couldn’t see the pretzels for what they were: a snack of roughly 250 calories of carbs, water and salt. I saw them as another failure; the reason I can’t succeed; a stain on what was a decent day. I struggled to concentrate since I was full with regret. I had happy hour plans that night, which made things worse. I was supposed to eat “perfectly” so I could have some wine. I drank and had some bar snacks anyway. Although I wanted to eat when I got home, I’ve learned that desire and slight hunger does not demand eating. It was bed time. So I drank some water and went to sleep. I woke up expecting to weigh three hundred pounds heavier at least.

The scale was exactly the same as the day before.

See my point?

This is why I weigh myself nearly every day. Not because I’m obsessive, but because I find the reality of a situation is often not nearly as bad as my perception of one.

This past weekend I berated myself for overdoing it, and I did overdo it, just to be clear. I smoked, which is unacceptable. I drank three days in a row, had a giant bag of kettle corn, and ate until I was uncomfortable on Sunday. My perception of this was that I was an out of control screw up. I was so afraid to get on the scale so I gave myself a one day reprieve. When I did face the scale after that one reset day, I saw the exact same weight as before my indulgent weekend. The fog cleared and more specific details came to light…

Reality

I recalled that on Friday I ate a kale and beet salad before I went to the brewery, and that I only drank two beers there. I remembered how good I felt when I went to the ice cream shop and walked away with ice cream only for my dog, Cooper. I remembered how I declined Mike’s offer to grab me a slice of pizza after he caught me staring at someone’s.

Saturday I went to Philly. I drank many beers and went out for a late lunch. I recalled that although I splurged on nachos, I took half my quesadilla home because I could tell I was getting full, something I’ve only recently learned how to be cognizant of. Later, I went to town on kettle corn as I watched movies. But I didn’t have dinner and I walked 13,000 steps that day… not bad.

Sunday I filled up on the rest of my kettle corn too close to eating dinner, which is why I felt so uncomfortably full. The meal was perfectly reasonable in and of itself. And yeah, I drank, but I drank 4 oz. pours, not pints.

My point in sharing all these details is that my perception was way off. I wasn’t a gluttonous eating machine who should be chained up and kept away from children. The reality is I’ve come a really long way, can’t eat nearly as much as I used to, am far more active, and make exponentially better choices. This is the reality. 

I don’t give myself enough credit for all I’ve learned and all the destructive habits I’ve broken. It’s time I start. There is room for improvement, yes. But I see now just how much improvement there has been.

I haven’t mentioned my weight loss efforts in a while. Not because I haven’t been trying to lose weight — I don’t think there was a time in the past twenty years when I wasn’t trying to lose weight, at least in spirit — but because I haven’t had much to say. I’d be thin by now you’d think, but nope. I’m only ten or so pounds shy of the heaviest I’ve ever been. It’s so frustrating, too because I’m the most active I’ve been since I was tween, and I definitely eat the healthiest I ever have. But the weight is still reluctant to go away because I continue to struggle with emotional overeating and destructive behaviors.

Overeating

I overdid it this holiday weekend. I ate too much, drank too much and smoked cigarettes AGAIN. I congratulated myself just last week for going out for happy hour and not overdoing it; not smoking, not overeating when I got home. I worked my resistance muscle HARD and woke up the next morning feeling proud and accomplished. But I guess I pushed the muscle too hard and it was sore, so my giving in muscle picked up the slack.

Instead of feeling proud this morning, I felt disappointed, shameful, guilty, and frustrated.

One area where I now excel thanks to my cognitive therapy work is putting a stop to destructive behavior at the first possible opportunity, rather than riding things out until their logical and convenient end like I used to. Today is the last day of the three-day weekend. There’s still plenty of left-overs. I could easily rationalize overeating one more day and resetting tomorrow. But that’s the same destructive thinking that got me to where I am now.

Although my body was eager for a break and craved light foods, my emotions craved comfort and reprieve from the guilt and shame of what I had done to my body the past two days. I noticed my mood shift. I felt the urge to be healthy and productive today slip away as thoughts of TV-watching, napping, and eating danced across my mind enticingly.

Forgiving

I couldn’t let my intentions slip away. I recognized the destructive triangle I was caught in (thought leading to feeling, feeling leading to action, and action leading to thought and around and around I go) and knew I had to fight my way out. In a burst of energy and determination, I jumped up, silenced the internal pleas to stay on the couch, and took a shower. I created a new triangle because that positive action lead to the thought that perhaps I could forgive myself. So after my shower I meditated on forgiveness and moving on.

I quieted my mind enough that I heard the voice of my higher self. “It’s okay,” she said. The incense smelled sweeter and more inviting than the left-over homemade peach cobbler and I surrendered myself to the calm. I felt gratitude for my body, something I experienced for the first time when completing Lesson 7 from A Course in Weight Loss, which I will write about in another post. I also felt sorrow for what I had done to my body, but again the voice said, “It’s okay.”

I breathed in and out, letting go of this weekend’s weakness and allowing my mind to still. “You are determined,” came the voice of my higher self. “And you are forgiven.”

I haven’t been back on the couch since before my shower. I’m listening to my body instead of my mind, and only giving it what it wants, which is water and fruit. I’m grateful to be forgiven, especially because I’m only still learning that I have the right to ask for forgiveness. I no longer need to carry my guilt around like a bloated belly.

I feel lighter already.

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