Earlier this week I sat in a benefits meeting at work since we have a new provider. I wondered about our mental health coverage, but figured I should wait to ask until after the meeting as to not publicly announce my interest in these services.

But then as I looked around the room, I had another thought. There’s no way I’m the only one wondering about this. So I raised my hand and asked, letting anyone at the table think whatever it is they wanted to think about me and/or my mental health. It’s called mental wellness for a reason, and I’m interested in being well. What I’m not interested in is contributing to the stigma of mental illness; the taboo that makes people hesitant to reach out and speak up when they need help, the same one that causes others to look upon someone who experiences an illness with disgrace.

My friend, Kathy has another great guest post coming up about an interesting article she read in Psychology Today. She found the article in the first edition of the magazine that she ever bought personally.

“I had been skimming through the magazines in my therapist’s waiting area for over a year,” she wrote. “I finally worked up enough courage to buy a copy for myself—and then a subscription—something I had wanted to do for a long time, but I had to work on my feelings of shame surrounding my desire first.”

Kathy hadn’t purchased the subscription because she wondered what other people would think.

“What is the cashier going to think? Will I feel comfortable reading it on the train? My God, I was acting like someone buying condoms for the first time.”

Despite many magazines suffering declines in readership over the past several years, Adweek, in 2013, noted Psychology Today‘s 36 percent increase in readership (source). What that says to me is there are a lot more people interested in mental health or a lot more mental health professionals. If so, there must be demand for those professionals. I’d like to say that Kathy’s fear was unfounded and exaggerated in relation to the increased popularity of the magazine, but I can’t. Because there is still that stigma.

“Mental Illness is such a taboo phrase; yet everyone has had moments or days or weeks or months or even years when they didn’t function at their best emotionally or mentally, Kathy added. “Why is this something that is so wrapped in shame? I’m still uncomfortable admitting I see a therapist to most of my friends, unless I know they have used the same resource for themselves.”

Kathy’s right. There are a lot of people walking around who are not functioning at their best. People hear “mental illness/disorder” and think things like Bi-polar Disorder, Schizophrenia, PTSD and of sociopaths. But do you know what the most common disorders are? They are:

• Alcohol/substance abuse/dependence
• Anxiety disorders
• ADHD/ADD
• Depression
• Eating disorders

I’m willing to bet you have experienced one of these disorders or have at least one close friend or relative who has. So why the stigma?

According to Vince G. Sparks, who wrote one of the best articles I’ve read on this subject, “The stigma exists because of a lack of understanding, knowledge and education about mental illness.”

Like Kathy often says, mental illness can happen to anyone. “We are just balancing on the beam, and we can all teeter over the edge.” Mental illness isn’t anyone’s fault. Life is hard. Emotional and mental well being is an absolute necessity, just as important as diet and exercise in my opinion.

Those who live with mental illness deserve our kindness and compassion, just like someone fighting cancer. We dub cancer patients as fighters and find them inspiring. Cancer patients are celebrated every year in rallies and races and all number of charity events. Once people beat cancer, they wear their survivorship like the badge of honor that it is.

But imagine for one moment if there was so little understanding about cancer that it had a negative stigma. Imagine a world without all the weekend fundraisers and rallies and races, without all the support groups, without all the encouragement, without all the commercials and treatment centers and research dollars and overwhelming desire to find a cure. If you can imagine all that, then you can imagine what the state of mental illness in this country is.

The hurtful stigma and judgements only result in shame and isolation, which prevent people from seeking the help they need. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were more weekend rallies and commercials and inspiring stories and research money around mental illnesses, I guarantee that would help the stigma because it would demonstrate the prevalence of these illnesses. Once people understand this is common, they may not be so willing to undermine their intense emotions or startling thoughts, and reach out to someone just like people do when they have a pain in their stomach that won’t go away.

We can all do our part. Let’s not judge so harshly things we may not understand. Let’s keep talking about this!

Please also know that the holidays can be the most difficult time of year for those who live with depression. Depression is not something that can be snapped out of. The holidays are a time of year when people miss their loved ones, have high expectations that often lead to disappointment, and generally feel lonely from the constant bombardment of advertisements featuring happy families. It’s also a stressful time for nearly everyone. Let’s look out for another and offer a hand or an ear. Pay attention to your loved ones. Do your part to ensure they know they are supported.

In August I wrote a list of ten things you can do to feel better when you’re feeling crappy. Things like be gentle to yourself, eat well, avoid negativity, etc. All great things and all proven to help you feel better. I stand by all of them. But sometimes those just aren’t enough. So here to help are ten more mood-boosting tips to feel better.

But what about when you practice all those things regularly and life is generally going good and then you go to the store to buy a salad for dinner and there are soft pretzels at the counter and you sort of black out and buy one and then eat it as you walk down the street and then you’re on the train and you realize you’ve ruined your healthy-eating streak and all your hopes for the evening are ruined and instead of cooking and writing and paying bills you want to lay on the couch like this…

Do check out Hyperbole and a Half and the artist responsible for this photo

…while shaking an angry fist in the air with a word bubble that says “Damn you, Pretzel! Goddamn you straight to HELLLLLLL!”

We as people have a tendency to wallow in our funks. When we feel depressed, nothing is appealing so getting out of the funk can be difficult. It takes energy, which is in short supply, hence why we tend to lay around on the couch.

But to those of us who know the mood is only temporary and that we’ll most likely regret “wasting” time once we feel better, it’s skillful to pro-actively take steps to defeat the funk and feel better instantly.

Lucky for me I had just accidentally carbo-loaded (which got me into this funk). Note: I know there’s nothing really wrong with a pretzel; all in moderation – yeah, I know, but I was on a really good streak and processed white flour often sends me into a carb binge. Back to the carbo-loading: so even though I did lay like a slug for a bit, I did have physical energy, just no mental desire or motivation because I was mad at a pretzel myself.

It’s times like this when you need to do something that works instantly!

10 Mood-Boosting Tips to Feel Better Instantly

1. Listen to happy music

One of many days I was angry with my husband, I decided I wanted to stop being angry, so I fired up Spotify’s Mood Booster playlist. I felt better instantly (and kind of silly listening to such happy-go-lucky music). Anyway, when he came in the room I changed my mind and decided I did still want to be mad so I prepared to say something not nice, took a deep inhale, and instead I STARTED LAUGHING. I just couldn’t be mad. It was too ridiculous to be mad when Pharrell’s “Happy” was playing in the background. Then he started laughing and asked why I was listening to such crappy music and I said, “Don’t knock it. Pharrell’s the reason you’re not being yelled at right now.”

We often want to listen to music that matches our moods. Sad music for a broken heart, hardcore for when we’re angry. Happy, fun music tricks the brain into having a good time. So build a playlist full of whatever floats your boat, or use one of the many playlists that already exist to get you feeling better in no time.

2. Phone a friend!

Tell them you feel bummed and ask them to help you feel better. A good friend will happily oblige. Or at the very least distract you long enough to forget why you’re feeling crappy. My go-to friend has a way of tricking me into saying what I wanted to do and then making me PROMISE I’ll go do that. Ugh, it’s so annoying.

3. Exercise. Get those endorphins flowing.

Yes, this was on the other list, but it bears repeating for its instant results. Go for a jog, hit the gym, take a walk, drop in for a yoga class. Just MOVE. If you’re feeling crazy, you can even combine #1 and #3 and listen to happy music while you run – now that’s just insane mood boosting right there!

4.CREATE something… ANYTHING. Bake, cook, build, paint, collage, write, sew.

This is so fulfilling, distracting AND rewarding. Doing an activity will take effort so ask for help if you need it. The night of ‘the pretzel incident’ I said to my husband, “I want to cook for the week and bake banana bran muffins, but i don’t have the motivation.” He said I should do it and offered to clean everything up afterward. Having help was enough to get me started and once I got started, I felt so much better.

5. Watch a movie – something funny or feel-good – or one of your favorites.

Television and movies are also distracting and can be very mood-enhancing depending on what you watch. So turn on the tube, binge-watch some Netflix, or pop in a movie and slug it up on the couch until the mood boosting powers kick in.

6. Read – escape to another world.

I am currently reading Jenny Lawson’s new book, Furiously Happy. It’s funny and entertaining. I read it once I was done cooking and baking so I wouldn’t start feeling crappy again.

Similar to movies, books are distracting and reading is a wonderful way to not so much boost your mood, but to forget why you’re in a poor mood. 

7. Practice gratitude.

Yes, this was on the other list, too BUT it bears repeating due to its instantaneous mood-boosting power.

I was mad at a pretzel myself. I considered letting it ruin my entire night. (by the way, I’m fully aware of how completely ridiculous this is.) What if it was my last night on earth? There are people who are starving and have no access to food. There are people who have no money for food. I live in a place where pretzels are sold at check out counters and I don’t even have to think about how much they cost, I just swipe my card and go on my way. I struggled with a pretzel because I am overweight because I have too much access to food. My “problem” was so ridiculous.

Compare yourself to those less fortunate and I guarantee you’ll feel better about your current situation.

8. Meditate

Stop thinking about what’s bothering you. Sit in silence. Try to clear your mind, be in the present moment. Meditation helps you to refocus.

The pretzel was in the past. It was time to let go and stop worrying about it. Life goes on. It’s all good.

9. Go somewhere.

In your pajamas at 2:00 pm slugging on the couch feeling sorry for yourself? Nothing else appeals to you? Brush your teeth, throw on some jeans, run a comb through your hair and GO SOMEWHERE. Get some fresh air. Drink a latte and people watch at your favorite cafe, drive to the beach, grab a beer at a bar, go sit in a park.

The act of getting dressed and out of the house alone is enough to make you feel that you didn’t squander your day. Besides, you never know what you may see, how you may feel inspired, or who you might meet. At the very least, you got some fresh air.

10. Cuddle your pup! Or your cat (if that’s your sort of thing.) No pets? Watch funny or cute videos of animals.

I could create a list within a list and provide 9 reasons you should cuddle your dog more often. But instead, I’ll just link to this wonderful list since someone else already made one.

No pets? But still like to laugh at them? Then take your mind off of how you think you may have failed at life, and instead watch this wonderful video of dogs failing at being dogs. I dare you not to laugh.

You’re welcome.

If you feel down, and you are mindful enough to acknowledge it, then you’re mindful enough to do something about it. Now you have ten tips in your toolbox. 

Save

Save

The last time I wrote about A Course in Weight Loss, it was on lesson #3. I had described my altar as my safe place and what creating your safe place entails. Since then, my altar has become crowded, but in a good way. Over the weekend I completed lesson #6, so as part of my commitment to doing all the work entailed in the book and reporting back to you here, I will use this post to recap lessons #4-6. Before I do so, however, I want to report that somewhere around lesson #5, a shift finally occurred in my relationship with food. For the first time in a very long time, I feel that I have a modicum of control over food and not the other way around. This is in thanks to the tools I am learning and the work I am doing.

Again, I remind you that these lessons do not only apply to weight loss, but to all unwanted areas of life: addiction, unhappiness, etc. Also, these are only recaps. If you want to do the work in this wonderful book, please do pick it up and read it for yourself so you get all the information.

Lesson #4 is titled, “Invoke the Real You” and is about facing down the fears that feed our compulsions, and realizing that our bodies at their healthiest, happiest, and most creative already exist and dwell in divine possibility. Marianne Williamson writes that our healthier figures are not just vague hopes dangling out in the universe somewhere– rather, they are divine imprints gestating within us. “The same God who created roses created you,” she writes. “Nothing you have ever done and nothing that anyone has ever done to you could make imperfect what God created perfect.” 

Through spiritual practice we can find our way back to our real selves: through prayer, meditation, forgiveness, and compassion. So in lesson #4 we meditate on removing any fear we have of being who we really are. No one is holding us back except ourselves. “You are cruel to you,” Williamson writes. “You are withholding from you. You are harming you.”

Embracing the power of positive thought and the law of attraction, ideas I already believe in, lesson #4 teaches us that the more we embrace the image of a beautiful body and emotionally permit ourselves to desire one, the more our subconscious minds will make one manifest. Therefore, rather than comparing and contrasting our bodies with those in magazines, which usually leads to a seesaw of alternating motivation and despair, we will project our real selves into the world, creating a new image for ourselves rather than the ones that have always existed with our flabby stomachs and double chins.

I was with Williamson until she suggested self-imposing my head onto images of beautiful bodies. I thought this was pretty ridiculous, to be honest and I felt embarrassed. In fact, it took me a couple weeks to be convinced that I should. Since my beauty apparently already exists, the more I claim it as already existing, the more quickly it will materialize. Supposedly.

So I did it. I tore out four photos from my favorite catalog, Athleta, and cut my head off photos and taped them over the models, fully prepared to blame the book should anyone decide to have me committed for this strange act. I placed the four images on my altar. And you know what? I love looking at them. The very next morning when my alarm clock went off at the dreadful hour of 5:00 am, I hit the snooze button. Then I thought of those images of myself with the body I dream of, and I got my ass up and to the gym. Envisioning your face on the body you desire really is a helpful tool.

As an overweight person, you have given birth to the body of your suffering; it’s time now to give birth to the body of your joy. – M. Williamson

Lessons #4-6 all represented on my altar.

Lesson #5 is titled “Start a Love Affair with Food” but I prefer to call it, “Let’s Go Shopping!” First of all, Williamson acknowledges that many of us are at home thinking “Ummm, shouldn’t we be ending our love affair with food?” and I love her response.

What you’ve had up to this point has been an obsessive relationship. THERE IS NO LOVE THERE. Pain and compulsion and self-hate are not love.”

So to begin this love affair, in summary we need to learn to eat mindfully and appreciate our food for how it contributes to our health. “The eating patterns of an overeater are chaotic, fearful, furtive, and out of control.” This lesson is a plan for “dissolving your hysteria and filling your emptiness by replacing it with love.” We can attain healthy neutrality toward food by learning to love it, and the only food we can really love is food that loves us back. Sundaes may give us a momentary high, but so can crystal meth. Things full of sugar and processed chemicals bring us lots of things, but you will not find love amongst the higher cholesterol and increased cancer, diabetes, cardiovascular disease and food allergy risks, not to mention the weight gain. Foods that love you contribute to your well-being.  

So in lesson #5, we learn to build a new ritual: the ritual of healthy, wise, non-secretive, and loving eating. And we get to go shopping! Because this ritual involves a new beautiful napkin, new beautiful plate, new beautiful placemat, new beautiful glass, and new beautiful knife, fork and spoon. (I threw in the new beautiful bowl by choice.) These things must be new because we can’t build new rituals using the tools that represent the old.

If that word “ritual” still brings up negative connotations for you, I suggest you read my post “Demystifying the Ritual” or remembering that secretive and excessive eating is also a form of ritual so please don’t try to argue that ritual isn’t for you.

These items must be beautiful because beauty is sacred. Also, nothing need be expensive. My entire place setting pictured below cost less than $20, but it is beautiful and I love it! I washed everything and set it up on my altar, as the book instructs, to beckon the real you… the healthy person who has not quite arrived yet. This place setting can be used whenever I feel like it. I guarantee you that I will not be loading my plate and bowl up with junk. Eating off of these items will be an act of love and mindfulness.

Lesson #5 and #6. A lotus flower is etched into the glass!

Lesson #6 is titled “Build a Relationship with Good Food.” In Lesson #5 we start the love affair, but lesson #6 will help us when that love affair begins to lose its excitement, like when a salad every day no longer does it for you. Contrary to what you may assume, I am a very healthy eater. I cook and eat “real” food. My issue is over-indulgence and emotional binge-eating.

So when lesson #6 instructed me to go buy a piece of fruit, any piece of fruit, I wanted something I have never had before because me and fruit are already in love. I wanted to meet fruit’s exotic cousin.

Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the majesty of a mountain? Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the beauty of a flower? Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the power of a river or the force of a rainstorm? Then why is it that when it comes to food, people have developed this ridiculous notion that we’ve somehow improved on God? That chemically processed food is somehow preferable to what nature has to offer?

– M. Williamson

Enter sexy, mysterious dragonfruit! Rawr!  I placed the dragonfruit on my altar for a day then the next morning (after googling how to cut it – it looks way more intimidating than it is), I cut it up and placed it in my beautiful new bowl on my altar and performed the meditation in the book. It was an exercise in mindful eating and an act of love. After a few bites, I decided it would be better as a smoothie so I blended it with banana and beet and almond milk, but I don’t think it minded.

Lesson #6. Dragonfruit whole, diced, smoothied.

A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever is changing my dysfunctional relationship with food. That relationship has been a source of my suffering so this weight loss journey is running parallel with my journey to be a more compassionate person. The work is going hand in hand, two lines that weave along together in the same direction toward the same destination: happiness.

We are all story-tellers. The only difference is that some of us write our stories down. But make no mistake about it, we’re all crafting stories in our heads starring the people in our lives, and we’re starring in their stories, too. These stories all have something in common: they are fiction.

I’m talking about the story-telling we do when we make assumptions and project our feelings onto others, or our insecurities onto situations.

He didn’t call me back yet. He doesn’t like me anymore.

Susie & Mary went to lunch without me. They’re talking badly about me. 

He didn’t say I look nice. I’m so fat and gross!

He’s not wearing his wedding ring. They’re headed for divorce.

I haven’t invited Jessica to dinner because she’s always busy.

My son behaves this way because he knows it drives me crazy!

Any of this sound familiar? What stories are you telling yourself? My overactive story-telling mind has caused me a lot of suffering. The reason being is that I wasn’t aware my stories were fiction. For example, when my husband would break plans with me, I’d tell myself it was because he didn’t want to spend time with me. I absolutely believed this to be fact. My evidence: he broke plans with me. That’s all the evidence I needed. I couldn’t even hear anything else because I was so hurt that he didn’t want to spend time with me. The story was already written. Therefore, whenever we made plans I feared he would break them again (further proving my story). This built up a lot of anxiety for me and a lot of pressure for him. We ultimately stopped making plans just to avoid it all.

All because of the stories in my head. I use this example because I know it is not uncommon.

This is only one of hundreds of the stories I have told myself and believed to be true. As I’ve cracked the nut on my suffering, I have come to learn the difference and to stop writing so many destructive stories in my head. There is a simple question you can ask yourself when you begin believing your own stories.

Is this true?

Byron Katie is the absolute master of story-telling. She asks the question: Who would you be without your story?

“The Work of Byron Katie is a way of identifying and questioning the thoughts that cause all the anger, fear, depression, addiction, and violence in the world. Experience the happiness of undoing those thoughts through The Work, and allow your mind to return to its true, awakened, peaceful, creative nature.”

There are four stages in Byron Katie’s The Work, a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question the thoughts that cause your suffering. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address the cause of your problems with clarity. In its most basic form, The Work consists of four questions and the turnarounds, and it is all completely free online. I am going to use one statement and go through the process as an example, but I do highly recommend you read more about it at the links provided. It really is a remarkable and most helpful concept.

I will use the previous example of me and my husband to demonstrate how The Work… works?

This is my thought: When my husband breaks plans with me it is because he does not want to spend time with me.

Step 1 of The Work: Complete the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. “For thousands of years we’ve been told not to judge—but let’s face it, we do it all the time. We all have judgments running in our heads. Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love.” – Byron Katie

Using my example, statement #1 on the worksheet would read: I am angry with Mike because he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I would continue filling out the worksheet, writing down how I want him to change, what I want him to do, etc. This is the time to let it all out and really think about how this thought makes you feel and be completely honest with yourself about what you think you need and how you feel about the person you are having this thought about.

You only need to ask this one if you answer “yes” to #1. If you said yes, this allows you a chance to dig deeper. Is it really really true?

How do I react when I think that thought? 

Angry, hurt, lonely, abandoned, accusatory, insecure, unworthy of affection, closed off to compromise and discussion (to name a few).

Who would I be without the thought?

Willing to listen, willing to compromise, rational, patient, understanding, secure.

Example: Mike doesn’t want to spend time with me.  

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” -Byron Katie

I walked through a brief example of The Work because I truly believe it is a helpful exercise. Byron Katie has so many wonderful videos of her going through The Work with people regarding all different stories: a woman who lost her daughter in a car accident who couldn’t figure out how to say she would ever look forward to losing her daughter again, a man who hates his cancer and cannot figure out how to turn that around, a son who wants his Mom to be happy and has his own thoughts about what happiness means.

The Work is another tool for your toolbox. Be aware of the stories you’re telling yourself. Ask yourself if they are true. Turn them around, and work toward peace.

I had a crappy week at work. I’m not going into details, but I took work home with me emotionally and was generally just beaten down, stressed, anxious and aggravated. It happens.

There was a time during the week that I thought to myself, I haven’t felt this anxious in a while, and then let it go. It was a shitty week – this was to be expected. I still went out one night and had fun with present and former co-workers, rather than cancel. One night I fought off the urge to order pizza and made soup instead to comfort me. I missed two workouts, but I cut myself some slack. I thought I was doing pretty damn good considering my anxiety and general upset.

But then a friend said to me, “It’s been awhile since you were so off-center.” I immediately felt self-conscious. What had I done? 

“Am I really that off-center?,” I asked. “Can you tell me specifically what I have done/said that makes you think so? I’m curious and want to learn from it.” 

“You’ve been so upset.”

“Well, yeah,” I answered. “But isn’t that life? Isn’t it okay once in a while to just have a shitty week when something extra shitty is going on? Everyone gets upset at times.”

“I just worry that you’ll look back over this time and wish you had done something differently or handled it differently.”

That got to me and made me think.

Will this work crap matter in a year? Probably not, but it does matter now. I wish I was poised enough to have not let it bother me, but that’s not who I am. I am passionate and invested in the things that I do (and sensitive). I’m also still learning. As for what I could have done differently, sure, there were things, but then I thought of all the things I could have done worse. Things like call out sick? Go in the bathroom and cry? Eat junk food every night? Cancel on my co-workers? Not worked out at all? 

At some point or another I have done all of those things, but I have not done them in a long time. I have come a long way from the person I used to be. I am still a long way from the person I want to be, sure, and I am grateful to my friend for reminding me of that. 

My work woes are not over just yet, but I have decided to behave more like the person I want to be rather than the person I used to be, and I decided to try a better approach. I don’t expect to never be thrown off-center again. I only expect to handle it better every time. 

Starting now. So I came up with a few ways we can be “more better” when we’re upset:

1. Don’t skip workouts.

Exercise is a natural stress reducer and mood enhancer. I prefer to work out in the mornings but getting up at 5:15 am when I’m tired and dreading my day is damn near impossible. It’s times like this, however, that it’s more important than ever we start our day out healthy and strong. When I don’t work out it’s just another thing I’m bummed about, compounding the other nonsense.

2. Meditate more.

Had I meditated more this past week I would have given my brain a break from my anxieties and stresses and felt calmer. This is a no brainer.

3. Leave your problem where it belongs.

There was nothing to be done about my work issue outside of working hours so thinking about the problem was a complete waste of energy and robbed me of my free time. If your problem is isolated to a certain place, then leave it there.

4. Eat well – seek out healthy comfort foods. 

Stressful times are dangerous times when it comes to eating. We tend to look for mood enhancer foods: salty, sweet, etc. Indulge a little with some good chocolate if that’s what you need, but try to seek out healthier comfort foods like soups, lighter sandwiches, etc. I am getting much better at this, but can certainly be “more better”.

5. Express gratitude.

It’s easy to get into the mindset that everything sucks when there’s a significant problem, but surely not “everything” sucks. Take some time to reflect and express gratitude for the good stuff.

For example, even though work was upsetting, I am still extremely grateful to even have a job. My job gave me the means to go out with my co-workers and treat myself to Afghan food for lunch with my girlfriend, Kathy. Beyond the sustenance, I got to try something new, which is exciting and fun for me.

6. Talk to positive people who inspire the best in you. 

When upset, it is not the time to talk to that negative friend or family member that loves a good pity party and will only make you feel worse, or use that time to talk about their own problems. Talking through problems and venting is a good thing, but seek out the people who will listen and offer constructive advice or just listen and sympathize and help you move past it. My wonderful friend inspired this post!

7. Make self-care a priority.

Make time for reading, coffee with a friend, a nap, etc. – anything that helps you relax and feel better.

8. Be gentle to yourself.

Cut yourself some slack. You’re upset. Be sure to try to do all you can to help yourself through the funk, but if that means taking a long nap and not getting some chores done, then so be it. I’m not beating myself up over spending Wednesday night on the couch. It was what I needed and how I gave myself self-care.

9. Give a hug. Get a hug. 

If you need a hug, ask for one. Kathy suggests saying, “don’t let go until I let go.” A great spouse, friend or family member will happily oblige. Cry it out if you have to.

10. Avoid unnecessary drama. 

If you know that every time so-and-so calls, you end up hanging up the phone pissed off, then this is not the time to brave that phone call. You’re already upset – don’t subject yourself to more. Insulate yourself from life’s dramas and put them off until a time when you’re feeling more able to handle them with grace.

11. Bonus! And if all this fails, look at photos and videos of ELEPHANTS BEING AMAZING!

It always picks me right up.

Let’s all be “more better” together.

Save

What do you think when you hear these phrases?

When standing alone, they are motivating and inspiring. But it seems they are most often uttered when someone is on the fence regarding something debaucherous, risky, or extravagant. Perhaps you’re considering bungee jumping, purchasing a designer handbag, or entering a 20-scoop ice cream eating challenge. A friend may exclaim any number of those sayings as a means to coax you into doing it. We only have this one life – may as well do it up right. Right?

I don’t know…

Over the weekend I was contemplating ordering a macaroni and cheese grilled cheese sandwich at a place known for its grilled cheese. (When in Rome!) A big hunk of baked mac n’ cheese between slices of gooey cheddar and sandwiched between grilled buttered sourdough bread – YUM! I totally wanted it in my belly. My soul, however, desperately wants to be healthy. Then I got to thinking… If life really is short, and I use that excuse to indulge, I will never be healthy. What if my life turns out to be long? I will have lived a long life never having been healthy because I was too busy living in the moment.

I ordered a Greek salad.

I understand this isn’t exactly living in the moment because I was considering my future. But I think this is where the balance comes in, and balance is precisely my point. Had I ordered that grilled cheese, I am certain it would have been delicious, but I also think I would have immediately experienced buyer’s remorse and guilt (and probably a stomachache). Same with the handbag. If purchasing it overextends your budget, you’ll have a rough couple of weeks ahead of you. I don’t think we should live in the moment at the expense of sound logic or the immediate future no matter what fun catchphrase people come up with. #YOLO anybody?

Nor should we live a life of discipline and rigidity! Perhaps had I worked out the morning I was faced with the grilled cheese I would have ordered it and felt entitled to it and enjoyed every bite and felt no regrets (just the stomachache). If you’re spending birthday or tax money, go for it – buy the bag! There are times and places for everything. The wisdom is in knowing the difference. It doesn’t hurt to give your future moment the respect of some brief consideration. Just be flexible. Seldom are things really “now or never.” Assuming I live a little longer and the very popular restaurant doesn’t go out of business, I’ll have another chance to indulge in cheesy goodness. But for now, I am pleased with my decision.

I have always been an indulgent person, disregarding future moments to live in this moment. It takes a great amount of discipline and willpower on my part to break this cycle. It often seems as though I am hardwired to seek pleasure. In the face of pleasure my other wires seem to short out. This tendency to indulge has lead to a lot of suffering by way of guilt, regret, and shame.

These cliche sayings are often abused; used to pressure people into doing things they know they probably shouldn’t, or used as excuses to behave in certain ways. Yeah, life is short, but I am willing to bet you can do without trying cocaine or streaking through a police station. ‘Live in the moment’ is not free license to throw all judgement out the window or act like an asshole.

Use these phrases to positively motivate you instead. What do you really want to do? Allow yourself to be inspired to take action the way a friend might coax you into cliff jumping or to finally ask that nice guy who has been flirting with you out on a date. Start your novel, travel to Tahiti, bake a souffle… these things will not be regretted (assuming you can afford Tahiti. If you can’t, save!). Imagine your closest friend urging you on… imagine them saying “Life is short! Do it!!” 

We often indulge in things at the expense of the next moment. Lets not do this. Taking no action, however, also robs the very next moment of progress. Instead of one step forward, you’re still at the starting line. So live life in the moment, but do consider your immediate future.

I never liked my own company much. Spending time alone was an unfortunate last resort; something I did when there was absolutely no other option. Even then, I usually just slept that time away rather than hang out with myself. Furthermore, I detested being home. When I was younger I thought everyone was doing something better than me; that I was left out or lame if faced with nothing to do/nowhere to go. When I was a tween/teenager, I rode my bike around town or hung out in parks until company arrived. It got me out of the house, at least. I only felt at ease when it poured rain, when my friends had family functions, or were away. I didn’t have to worry about what they were doing, and why I wasn’t included.

Once I got my license, I drove around killing time, looking for something to do or somewhere to go, even traveling an hour to get some coffee rather than sit at home. Once I turned 21, I hung out in bars. Destroying my liver in the midst of company was certainly better than being alone on a Saturday night feeling pathetic and wrestling with my own thoughts.

Looking back on my life, I was almost always out, almost always with someone, always had a boyfriend, always going, always doing. If I didn’t know better I would say I was popular and had a blast. The truth is, I was desperate and clingy and insecure. I often found myself in trouble and had a lot of anxiety. I never said no to anything, afraid that passing up offers jeopardized future invites. I realize now what was really going on. I was afraid — afraid of abandonment and exclusion; afraid of missing out; afraid of being home where life was unpredictable and stressful; afraid of being alone with someone I didn’t like, that person being me.

I was really pretty pathetic to an embarrassing degree. I would have been much better off had I just relied on the company of my books.

With maturity I learned I wasn’t missing out on anything. When you hang out with the same people in the same places, things become fairly predictable and routine. With confidence came the ability to say no without thinking it would hurt me in some way. With self-love has come the capacity to actually enjoy my own company.

I only realized this past weekend that I am beginning to like me. I was on a date at the time.

The date started late Friday morning with a drive to my favorite beach listening to music with the windows down and sunroof open. We swam, we read, we relaxed in the sun, taking in the sounds and scents. Then I got hungry so we headed out for a late lunch. I thought something simple would suffice but then I spotted a Greek restaurant that had a lovely lunch and wine menu and outdoor seating so we didn’t feel under dressed in our beach clothes. We started with wine imported from Greece, hummus and the best pita bread I ever tasted in my life. It was warm and fragrant and tasted citrusy, yet earthy and salty. For the main course we enjoyed a feta and watermelon salad.

Once we finished eating, I sat back, sighed, and brought a smile to my lips. I was inebriated on good wine and food and a fun day in the sun. I looked out over the ocean and felt happy… content. I was having a wonderful time. I took out my book and picked up where I left off while I finished my wine. My date didn’t mind. My date was me.

After my lunch I read in the pool for hours until my husband arrived. Shortly, our good friend would arrive for the weekend, too. The guys had plans and although I love hanging out with them and was welcome, I had plans of my own to go full moon kayaking on a guided tour.

Sitting in my kayak later that night in the inky black water beneath a blanket of stars I was fully aware of how content I felt. I have been vacationing with friends every summer for many years and never have I gone off and done anything on my own. In fact, I often struggled to entertain myself waiting for them to wake up in the mornings. I confess I even stayed up past the point of exhaustion at times just so I wouldn’t miss a laugh. Here I was happily doing something I was excited about and looked forward to. Many times in my life I forfeited things I wanted to do in favor of what others wanted so I could be with the group. But finally, there were no more stories in my head. I didn’t assume the guys were having a better time without me. I didn’t think I was missing out. I definitely wasn’t. I was kayaking through unspoiled marshlands in water so smooth it reflected an unblemished moon with the only audible sound being that of the crickets. I was perfectly happy being out there alone.

I found myself with the opportunity to enjoy some solitary time the following two days. I read, I swam, I floated. I had no resentments, no insecurities, no anxieties, no fears. It was a wonderful weekend and we all had a great time doing all the things we wanted. I even took a lovely walk while waiting for the guys to wake up.

See the photo below? I always called this sandbar that appears during low tide in our favorite secret spot Lonely Island. My friend snapped this photo of me alone reading on Lonely Island.

Only I wasn’t at all lonely.

I continue to be amazed by the timing and synchronicity of things. I can’t help but view these events as some sort of cosmic reassurance that I’m on the right track creating my own rituals, setting new moon intentions and working my way through A Course in Weight Loss to help overcome my emotional over-eating.

Thursday, the 16th was a new moon so I finalized my intentions for the new cycle the night before. Writing down my short term goals last moon cycle motivated me more than any trick or tool had before.  Maybe it was the physical act of writing them down and seeing them in black and white, or maybe it was the energy of the moon or the “officialness” of the ritual – making my intentions known and believing I could achieve them, rather than just half-assing them off to the void. I believe it was all three. Anyway, it was a productive and successful cycle. I did tough things, including a few exercises I had been putting off. I found that I wanted to get the hardest things done first, and I did.

My new motto has become “eat the frog first.” My lovely sister-in-law shared the motivational expression with me, one she had learned in business school, and it stuck. The idea is to just get it over with and do the hardest thing first. Everything seems easier after that – you don’t have to think about that task anymore. It’s like working out first thing in the morning. For the rest of the day, you’re off the hook.

I’ve actually been practicing this method for quite some time. Now I have a fun expression for it. I have a good friend who absolutely hates when I say this (and I do say it often). It’s funny to me, though considering he eats his food precisely in the order of what he likes least first, literally saving the best for last. I also rather finish my meal with the lingering taste of french fries in my mouth than frog guts. But I digress.

So I ate the frog first last moon cycle and included a hard thing for this moon cycle because I believe that if it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you, and if it doesn’t change you, you’re not making progress.

The “theme” of the last moon cycle was creativity, mindfulness and action. I felt that energy, creating my own rituals and taking action. I completed Lesson #1 in A Course in Weight Loss and moved on to the next, titled “Thin You, Meet Not-Thin You.” This lesson involves getting to know and love the part of you that overeats. I smiled when I read up on the “theme” of this new moon in Cancer: self-love and compassion.

Synchronicity, guys.

For Lesson #2, Marianne Williamson writes that Not-Thin You “is not your enemy; she is an unintegrated part of yourself. She is an aspect of you that is demanding to be seen and heard.” The point is to give her the love and attention she needs and deserves. “It does feel odd that we should honor a part of ourselves that we do not want, but Not-Thin You will not go away until she is listened to.”

Ever since the stress in my life reached all time highs and I put on 30 pounds of extra weight, I have sternly exclaimed that THIS (motioning to my body) is NOT me! “I feel like I am walking around in a fat suit!” I have been so conflicted feeling one way and looking another, going around defending myself. Then I realized through reading this book that I have been denying an entire dimension of myself and no wonder I was feeling so conflicted. “…and in a dysfunctional effort to numb the pain of the conflict, you’ve only created more of it.”

Bingo.

Since we can’t just love on command or turn off our anger, communication is necessary. So Lesson #2 calls for initiating an honest and transparent dialogue between Thin You and Not-Thin You.

So Thin Me wrote to Not-Thin Me and I laid it out on the table. To summarize, I took responsibility for all I had put us through, but expressed my disappointment in her inability to bounce back now that life isn’t as stressful. I told her she embarrasses me and holds me back, but also thanked her for getting up that mountain in Colorado with my brother that gained 1,400 feet of elevation in only 1.6 miles. I asked her what the fuck her problem is and pointed out all the things I have done to help her. I insisted she tells me what she needs. I told her I can’t move on with my life until she gets her shit together.

Then Not-Thin Me responded. She thanked me for all that I’m doing for her, especially getting our heart rate up more and working my way through this book. “I am stronger than I look,” she wrote. She pointed out that it’s not all her fault and cited specific examples where I’ve screwed up, “so stop blaming me for everything!” As for what she needs: attention. Patience, love, kindness, compassion. “Stop ignoring me and saying you’re not me because I hate to tell you this, but YOU are ME,” she wrote.

We are much closer to reconciliation. I realize now how wrong it was for me to deny her existence. Hopefully as she begins to feel safe, she will relax, and we can work together.

Again, I share these lessons not only for emotional eaters. This exercise translates to Happy You and Not-Happy You, Sober You and Drunk You, Adult You and Little-Kid You. Is there a dimension of yourself that you’re denying? Perhaps someone fighting for your attention? Open up the lines of communication, lay your side out there and see what they have to say. You may be surprised…

The exercises in this book and losing weight aren’t the only things I’m working on. Two days in to this moon cycle I ate my frog and the rest of my intentions seem like a cake walk (I’ll substitute some fruit for the cake). I am also happy to report that I will be submitting an essay for professional publication. (Wish me luck!)

What are your intentions for this moon cycle, this month, this week, or even just tomorrow? Eat your frog. It may suck at the moment, but think of how good you’ll feel afterward.

Last week I confessed I am an emotional over-eater. The support and understanding I received after that post was inspiring and heartwarming, and I thank you all. Some of you shared your struggles with me privately and although it saddens me to know so many of us are suffering, I also find it encouraging: we know we’re not alone and we’re talking about it.

Admitting you’re powerless over a problem is the first step in commonly known 12-step programs. For many people, food is just as addictive as alcohol or narcotics. You may not understand this or believe this could be possible, but it’s true. That’s why programs like Over-eaters Anonymous (O.A.) exist. And remember, we all need food to survive. An alcoholic can stop drinking. A drug addict can stop taking drugs and detox. A food addict cannot stop eating. They must learn to manage and live with their addiction.

I am not taking a 12-step approach to my emotional over-eating. As I mentioned earlier, I am working through the exercises in A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson. I just think there is an opportunity to practice compassion and to reserve judgement toward overweight people. An overweight person at an ice cream parlor is not that different than an alcoholic sitting at a bar. Some empathy could go a long way.

Admitting to myself I have this problem, and then admitting it publicly here, has made a tremendous difference. Two weeks ago I went for blood work to have my thyroid checked – that was the extent to which I denied my overeating. My thyroid is just fine. There was no denying it anymore. Yes, I was active. Yes, I ate right the majority of the time. But yes, when I messed up, I messed up big, and that was why I couldn’t lose weight.

So now that I finally know this, and you know this, I can get to work on fixing it! I am finding that most often any lesson in anything can be applied to various areas of life so please, don’t stop reading just because you may not be an emotional eater. Surely, the following exercise can benefit all.

“The weight on your mind, and thus on your body, is the weight of your own emotional shadows that have not yet had a light shone on them. They might be unprocessed feelings, negative thoughts, or fear-based attitudes and personality traits.”

Our systems are built to process waste; that includes emotionally and mentally. But when we hang on to excess emotional baggage, we do not allow it to dissolve. We all have unprocessed emotions, but we all express it in different ways: over-eating, drinking, violent outbursts… “The form of dysfunction is not particularly relevant; what matters is that we address the unprocessed suffering behind it.” 

That involves a willingness to be real and honest with yourself about emotional issues, and then a willingness to release them.

On a journal, I wrote various emotions in thick marker on the top of each page: GUILT; ABANDONMENT; FEAR; JUDGEMENT; BURDEN; 18 words in all.

I got to work writing down my experiences that are true for me, those that have resulted in these negative emotions.

Don’t go unconscious! With each paroxysm of shame, my instinct was to try to shake the memories from my mind, those that make me wish I could go back in time and not do whatever shameful or embarrassing thing that I did at age 10, 15, 20, 25, etc. Those things that still have the power to make me cringe and seek cover under a blanket.

But I didn’t shake them off. I forced myself to remember and then found words to convey the harsh realities, articulating that which was never said out loud, let alone written on paper. Flipping from page to page, emotion to emotion, forwards and backwards as thoughts occurred to me, the most unexpected thing was that it became easier as more truths poured from my hand.

I felt lighter.

Now that I have this notebook full of my deepest, darkest emotions, fears, judgements and most shameful and embarrassing moments (I hid this thing like it was MY JOB), it is time to release it all. I am going to offer it up and away, ask for all these emotions to be taken from me, ask for forgiveness, and do some forgiving myself.

I am going to sit with my notebook a few more days, making sure I’ve captured everything as I also finalize plans for my release ritual. I feel that this act is worthy of a special ceremony. Everything that has happened to me has shaped me. I want to properly acknowledge all of it, properly express gratitude where appropriate, and properly say goodbye… to the shame, to the people who hurt me, to my guilt over things long gone, to my thoughts that I am inferior, to my judgements, to all the stories in my head associated with those 18 words.

These sorts of release rituals are not unheard of. Writing on balloons and releasing them in celebratory fashion is a common one. Shredding the pages of my notebook will not be enough. This is an exercise in letting go. I want something final. I only want to do this once. I want something worthy of my lifetime so far.

I am excited. I am ready.

If emotions are weighing you down: guilt, burden, unforgiveness of someone who hurt you, then do this exercise with me. What do the bricks around you say? Write it down. Get it of your head and out of your heart.

And then let it go. Let’s all our souls become lighter, together.

I want ice cream. And Cheez-its. I just pried a bag of Lindt chocolate truffles out of my own hands and in an act of defiance threw it out, grabbed my laptop and started aggressively tapping away these words. There’s no denying it anymore. I am an emotional overeater.

My husband just told me he is going out for ice cream and asked me if I wanted any. “No,” I answered through gritted teeth. For a split second I wondered if I should throw up while he’s gone.

I battle with food and my weight EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. of my life. I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin that my reflection in the mirror catches me by surprise at times. I am not this overweight person. I’m active. I drink water. I’m a healthy cook and meal planner. I am an educated consumer, an expert calorie counter, and know the mathematics of losing weight. What I also am, however, is an emotional eater. It was only within the past few months that I could learn to admit this to myself.

The Emotions I Eat

Tonight a terrible storm ripped through the area. Tornado warnings blared from the television while trees bent horizontal in front of our windows and hail slammed against them. I identified my urge to nibble stemmed from nervousness and I fought it off, afraid to look away from the windows into the fridge. Once the storm passed was another story, unfortunately. Relief, perhaps?

There is hardly an emotion I don’t associate with eating. Happiness: celebrate with food; Frustration: you deserve some food; Anxiety/Nervousness: eat the time away; Sadness: numb it with food; Guilt: distract yourself with food; Abandonment: seek comfort from food; Shame: punish yourself with food.

My mom was an emotional eater. With her permission, I can share with you that she went to Over-eaters Anonymous (O.A.) for a time after her divorce. She’d drag me along when I was too young to stay home alone. I remember all those overweight people standing in a circle, holding hands, reciting the Serenity Prayer. My Mom shared at a meeting that she had eaten nearly a dozen donuts and in an act of desperation, threw the box in the trash. She later retrieved it from the can, had another one while crying with each bite, until she finally threw them back into the trash and dumped used coffee grinds over them for good measure.

I’ve never eaten anything out of the trash, but I will tell you that I see a lot of my mom’s behaviors in me. I don’t know how much is learned and how much is genetics, but I can’t keep living this way. I feel powerless a lot of the time; miserable. I can’t seem to go more than a week without a setback.

Beginning to Understand Why I Am an Emotional Overeater

I started reading A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever. Although I am only on the first lesson, it’s really hitting home. The goal is to reset the mind in order to reset the body. The notion being that we are perfect, but have a tendency to forget who we are. When we can’t remember who we are, we have trouble behaving like the person who in our heart we most long to be. Fear is powerful.

“[Fear] expresses itself as an imposter self, perverting your true nature and making you behave in a way that is opposite of who you truly are.”

Overeaters have a delusional relationship with food, imbuing it with power it doesn’t actually possess, while indulging in an act of self-hatred. The book refers to it as an “emotionally violent act” to which we then scold ourselves for doing, “inflicting further violence.” I know this vicious cycle all too well.

The book aims to help us replace fear with love, and it starts off with an intense emotional exercise to shed excess weight from our minds, the weight of our emotional shadows.

I will be elaborating on this exercise in my next post because I am finding it powerful and beneficial, and it would be for anyone, not just an overeater.

I’m not going to eat anything else tonight. I managed to distract myself long enough. When referring to my weight, I say all the time, “This isn’t me!” But here I am, unexpectedly announcing to all of you that I am an emotional overeater. Why? Because I suppose this is me. And I know for a fact I am not alone. But just because this is who I am now, doesn’t mean it is who I am supposed to be, or who I will remain.

Alas, this is another part of my journey to happiness. I have some serious work ahead of me as I work on getting my emotional shit together.

Thanks so much for reading.