I’m in a dark and scary place on my journey. A beast creeps around every tree, its presence surrounding me like fog. I struggle between finding the strength to be my own light and succumbing to the darkness, laying down on the damp earth, and letting it consume me.

Despite everything I know, believe and practice, I am not immune to depression. Depression is not the flu; there is no vaccine. But there are so many similarities. I feel like I’m coming down with a virus. I’m tired and unmotivated, weak and uninterested. I want to block out the sun, pull the covers over my head, and sleep.

I don’t know why I’m depressed. We don’t ask people with the flu why they have the flu. It just happens. I’m waiting and hoping this sadness runs its course. But unlike the flu, depression is not a legitimate excuse to call out from work or miss a meeting or blog post. So everything I do feels forced and exhausts me. I do what I have to do, go where I have to go, but my heart isn’t in anything. I know I am a passionate, excitable and energetic person. But lately, I feel two dimensional, flat and empty.

Like the flu, no one wants depression. It’s awful. But unlike the flu, the support and understanding from loved ones often just isn’t there, increasing the sense of loneliness, which tends to intensify the symptoms.

I know I’ll be okay, but right now I feel awful. I know I’m loved, but right now I feel alone. I know there are things I can do to feel better, but right now none of them interest me and I’m too tired. I know that right now in this very moment nothing is hurting me, but right now I’m hurting anyway.

This is my blog post this week because I am committed to writing one and I am committed to sharing my journey with you. This is where I am. I do not suspect this leg of the journey will last long, and if it does, I know I have resources to help me. I’ve seen this setting before, but I won’t say I’ve been down this road before. That’s because my journey doesn’t go in circles. And although the scenery is eerily familiar, I know it is not the same. Because I am not the same. And I know this is depression and not something someone did or something broken inside of me. Depression is the beast in the woods that is often content to leave me alone, but sometimes treks a bit too close to my trail.

I know our paths will part again.

My brother, Joey recently visited from Colorado. We took it easy his last day here and lounged around. I caught up on journaling. If you’ve been reading this blog a while, you may remember I keep several journals, two of which are 5-year journals. One is titled One Line A Day: A Five-Year Memory Book and the other Q&A a Day: 365 Questions, 5 Years, 1,825 Answers. Both only require a sentence or two be written a day and each entry goes underneath the previous year’s so I can reflect on the past. I find them a simple and effective way to journal.

I explained them to Joey and read him a few simple examples. For May 23rd: What’s your hairstyle? May 3rd: If you could have a superpower just for today, what would it be? (In 2015 I answered ‘teleportation so I could see so many incredible things.’ For 2016 I answered ‘healing, so I could help Mom.’) In this example alone, I can see I’ve become less selfish over the course of one year.

I also explained that some questions were more intense and thought-provoking, and as for the one line a day journal, I write down something significant from each day.

Joey’s response was one of confusion. “Don’t they keep you living in the past,” he asked. “Aren’t they full of stuff you’d be better off forgetting?”

His question caught me off guard since I am a proponent of living presently. I had to think. Was I living in the past? I was learning from the past, and remembering things worth remembering.

“No,” I answered. “First of all, there’s great stuff in these,” I said, tapping the books with my pen. “Little things easily forgotten that make me smile. Also, they help me see how I’ve grown. Sure, there’s painful stuff, but I don’t want to “forget” anything. I want to understand and accept; identify the good in the bad, and not be caught off guard or made to feel uncomfortable by lingering thoughts and memories, because lets face it – do we ever really forget anything completely?”

Joey seemed to consider what I said, then shrugged with indifference and went back to his phone as if the conversation no longer interested him.

But the topic interested me, so I thought about it more. I know some people certainly want to forget, but they go about it by denial and avoidance. I’d like to forget things, and not all of them are bad. Some memories are incredible, but thinking of them hurts my heart and fills me with a bittersweet sadness and longing because a friendship ended or a love was lost. We are advised to express gratitude for the experiences and the memories, but it’s not always easy.

I love Jeanne Safer’s suggestion that we “celebrate” to compensate for our loss in these instances.

When there is something meaningful to retrieve from a past relationship, celebrating it is a genuine compensation for loss. If anything in your love was real—imperfect, ambivalent, obsessive, or selfish in part, but tender and true at the core—it is yours forever, even though the one you loved loves you no longer or never fully returned your devotion. The authentic core of love is eternal, even if the person who inspired it will never return to you. But you have to hold fast to it and fight through your despair and disappointment to find it, resurrect it, and claim it.

These memories of past relationships remain our property despite their demise. We have every right to hold on to them in order to celebrate what was, and to look back with a smile and grateful heart for the experience.

Other memories I’d like to forget because they trigger shame, embarrassment, and are altogether pretty horrible. For example, the memories that a building near my home evoke.

I drive past this particular building two times a day. Years went by when I couldn’t even bear to visit the town, let alone see the building. But the passing of time helped me heal and I learned to accept what happened there. Some days, particularly during the winter, the season when I lived in the building, a memory strikes me like a flash of lightning and I shake my head to dissolve the materialized image. I know I’ll never forget what happened, but at least the memories don’t trigger anger or anxiety or cause me pain and suffering anymore. That’s because I allow them to exist.

I recognize the behavior from those who choose the way of denial and avoidance when dealing with their past.  They are easily triggered; defensive, anxious. I’ve witnessed people shut down conversation at the mention of a seemingly innocent subject because it triggered a memory or feeling they’ve gotten so used to ignoring. A lack of acceptance is at work.

Keep in mind that when I write of acceptance in this context, I don’ t mean we should resign ourselves to what happened to us or that we are helpless. By acceptance, I mean allowing something to exist, like a building, and accepting that these memories are part of who we are and our lives. Zindel Segal, Professor of Psychology in Mood Disorders, wrote that denying a negative mindset is taking place can be riskier for mental health than allowing negative emotions to exist.

In accepting negative emotions, allowing them to exist, we can begin to increase our self-awareness. Instead of lashing out after being triggered and not understanding why because we block out our memories, we can understand what’s happening (cognitive therapy). We can learn to understand our responses to certain triggers because we can identify them. Like Segal says in the article linked below, “Ah, fear is here.” Rather than experience impatience and irritability when at a red light next to the building that triggers me, I understand what’s at work – fear and discomfort. So instead of getting upset, I tell myself, “You are safe.”

What’s my alternative? Drive miles out of my way to avoid what boils down to bricks and concrete? Drive past white knuckling the steering wheel? Neither are viable options to me. If you’re avoiding something or someone and find yourself holding your breath or wanting to disappear into the wall, ask yourself: What’s really at work here? What is it I don’t want to exist? 

Perhaps it’s shame and you could go the rest of your life without seeing someone who triggers it deep within your core. Try giving yourself much needed self-care, love, and forgiveness. Your shame is not written across your forehead, even though I know it may often feel like that. Allow it to exist, and the person who makes you feel that way, and be mindful of your feelings and what you need, even if it’s leaving the space. The point is to be aware and good to yourself, not deny what is happening and behave in a way that will further add to your shame.

Three Ways Acceptance Helps You Work with Difficult Emotions

Whether good or bad, remembering is healthy. Allow for opportunities to reflect and see how you’ve grown, how relationships have changed, how less or more important things that were worthy of preserving at the time have become. Get comfortable with the past. Allow it to exist.

See for yourself how healthy remembering can be. Enter my raffle for a chance to win a 5-year journal of your own.

From June 3 – 9 you can enter to win the five year memory book so you, too, can capture a line or two a day for five years and reflect back on your experiences.

Click here to enter!

Please share this post (or one of your favorites) right now for a quick and easy three entries in the raffle. Just don’t forget to enter your name and e-mail address at the link above so I know you did it.

Thank you and good luck!

We all have relationships with difficult people. By difficult, I mean people who are in some way toxic: self-centered, arrogant, ignorant, judgemental, needy, play the role of the consummate victim, inconsiderate, bossy, dishonest, or insert any number of negative personality traits here, or heaven forbid, a combination of them all. Of course you know at least one. Although a lot of people advise us to cut negative people from our lives, it’s not often feasible or realistic. Sometimes the most we can do is learn how to deal with challenging people as best we can and try to protect ourselves in the process.

I’ve been dealing with one difficult person in particular for a long time. I still experience anxiety, anger, frustration, and distress as a result of this relationship. For the record, I’m not passive. I have tried defending myself and speaking up when I feel I’ve been wronged. I’ve learned though that when it comes to certain people, this gets me nowhere. My reaction, no matter how practiced or collected, only makes things worse. That’s because problem people love a reaction and don’t respond to reason. Never once have I succeeded with words when it comes to these people in my life. All we can do when it comes to people like this is try to enforce healthy boundaries and remember that their negativity has nothing to do with us.

This is hard! When someone makes accusations about me or my life, or directs their anger and frustration at me, it is really hard to remember that it has nothing to do with me. That’s when I turn to these quotes to help me remember.

Bookmark these quotes or print them out. Let them help to remind you the next time you are faced with a difficult person that their behavior is not to be taken personally.

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A couple weeks ago something really upsetting occurred. Without going into details I will say that it was unsettling and stressful and caused me a great deal of anxiety and anger. Surely you can retrieve something from your memory that made you feel this way, or perhaps you’re feeling that way right now. If so, you have my sympathy and empathy. It sucks plain and simple.

What sucks even more is when we don’t use our tools to help us deal with upsetting incidents. In the wake of this drama, I gave all my power away to negative emotions. Losing my power affected every single area of my life: home, work, socially… it affected me mentally, financially, and physically.

This is what happened:

I took a personal day from work.

I was so upset I couldn’t bear to get out of bed. I allowed my emotions to overpower my sense of responsibility.

I didn’t meal plan or cook.

I allowed my emotions to overpower my desire to stay on track with my diet and eat healthily. This had a tremendous ripple effect. Because I didn’t meal plan, I didn’t shop. Because I didn’t shop, I didn’t eat breakfast most of the week. I always eat breakfast. I had to buy several lunches and dinners I hadn’t budgeted for, which left me over-budget. Many of those meals weren’t as healthy as they would have been had I made them myself, so I consumed many more calories and ended the week having gained weight.

I slacked off on personal hygiene.

Gross, right? I didn’t wash my face or brush my teeth some nights before bed. I didn’t shower two (nonconsecutive) mornings.

Practicing good personal hygiene is one of the most basic ways we care for ourselves. When we’re depressed or upset, it’s one of the first things to go out the window because we simply don’t care enough.

I didn’t exercise.

This required way too much energy; energy my emotions and tears ate for breakfast since I didn’t give them any most mornings. This also cost me an unbudgeted $15 since I use GymPact and put money on the line every week to motivate me to get all my workouts in.

I was unproductive.

I accomplished only the most essential tasks and allowed a side project to get a week behind. My house turned messy and I felt disorganized and my mind cluttered.

My power went away on a full 6-night, 7-day vacation and left no contact information. Upon its arrival back home, she opened the door, rested and tan, and surveyed the damage, stunned at the mess she found me in. “Where were you!” I shouted, tripping over pizza boxes in my rush to greet her.

For a brief moment, I blamed the upsetting incident for taking my power away in some sort of kidnapping incident. But the truth is, I gave it away and I take full responsibility for that. Everything turned around once I had my power back. Now I sit, reflecting on an empowering, healthy, and productive week, my power at my side, and I am amazed at how easily I let her leave and all that I allowed to happen (or not happen) in her absence.

Next time, and I’m sure there will be a next time because ya know… life, I won’t give my power away so easily. I need her to keep me focused and strong, and she’s more important than any bout of drama I may face, regardless how upsetting. Because my power is permanent and lives within me, no one can take her away from me.

What sort of trouble do you find yourself in when you allow your power to run off? How do keep it from leaving in the first place? I’d love to hear from you.

When losing weight is your number one goal, there isn’t much room for other priorities. The only time in recent years when this wasn’t my number one priority was when I was in school, and guess what, I gained a lot of weight during that time. Other than that, it’s been my focus. That’s a whole lot of energy, time and work that has gone into one thing with far too few results, other than preventing me from gaining even more weight.

Imagine if I had devoted all that space and energy to something else, something I was good at.  Who knows what I could have achieved by now!

When I finally figured out I couldn’t lose weight because I was focusing on the wrong things (diet and exercise instead of cognitive thinking), I redoubled my commitment to losing weight with a new approach. My counselor recommended The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to THINK Like a Thin Person, by Dr. Judith Beck. Her father, Aaron Beck is regarded as the Father of Cognitive Therapy, so I figured she knew a thing or two on the subject.

The book claimed it would help me change the way I think about diet, eating and weight loss “FOREVER.” I’d learn how to abolish my cravings, resist temptations, deal with emotional triggers, end emotional eating, and conquer excuses to overeat, according to the book’s description. I believe that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is, so I was skeptical. I’ve been trying to do these things for twenty years; no way was one book going to get the job done. But with an open mind and trust in my counselor, I loaded it onto my Kindle.

The book is broken into 42 lessons. My first task was to write an Automatic Response Card (ARC) listing all the reasons I want to be thin. The idea is that when you’re staring down chocolate cake or want nothing but to eat your weight in french fries after a hard day, you have something to whip out and read to remind yourself what’s more important and why the food isn’t really what you want.

I had never really thought before about why I want to be thin. We all want to be rich, right, but seldom think of the specific reasons why. We usually just have some broad sense of increased happiness and quality of life. That’s what I thought when it came to being thin. So I had been dedicating the bulk of my time and energy to a goal that I didn’t even know specifically why I wanted! How ridiculous is that!?

So I thought about why I want to be thin and twenty specific, damn good reasons tumbled out of my brain and onto a piece of paper as fast as my hand could write them.

#1 on my list; the very FIRST thing I thought:

Being thin will free up space in my life for other goals.

I didn’t think much of that being the first thing I thought until this month, when the space showed up.

Let me back up.

I dedicated the entire month of January to cooking and eating right, exercising daily, and practicing my newly learned cognitive thinking skills. I read The Beck Diet Solution and beyond these things and work, I had little time for anything else. I was excited and enthusiastic; happy to devote so much time and energy to my goal. But January turned into February and I began to lose steam. I got sick, too. On February 10, I wrote “The Part When We Quit” to process all that I was feeling, and ultimately acknowledged it was normal and to keep my eye on the prize.

But then everything got even harder… and darker.

Here’s the thing – there is no instant gratification in weight loss. It is a slow, grueling process. I am a spinning wheel, something my friend, Kathy affectionately called me recently, and detest being stagnant. My husband has accused me of having shark syndrome. “When you stop swimming, you die,” he’s said. For me to work so hard on something, and make such slow progress, is downright depressing.

By the second half of February I was in a dark place. There was something else at work, too. When you eat to process and/or mask your emotions and then you stop, you need to replace it with something. We as people love to tell people to stop doing things; stop drinking, stop smoking, but we don’t tell people what to do instead. We drink, smoke, and eat for a reason! Take those things away and we have no choice but to feel really uncomfortable emotions we’ve tried so hard to hide from.

That’s what happened to me. I didn’t replace my eating with a healthy alternative and I was left feeling rundown, raw, and really fucking sad. I desperately needed something else to work on, but was too depressed and tired from working so hard. I was also afraid that if I shifted my focus, I’d lose any progress I made.

“What you’re doing is really, really hard,” my counselor said sympathetically as I sat across from her quiet and crying.

We agreed I could use some help from my Prozac, so I decided to take it every day, at least for a little while, instead of only the two weeks before my period to ease my PMDD.

Within a week, I felt better. And then March was upon us and the urge to create this new website overcame me like a virus. I was sick with excitement and desire and motivation. And so for two solid weeks I spent every spare moment working on this site. I was overjoyed. My need to NOT be stagnant was being met. I was moving forward, making progress, and it was happening quickly.

Once I finished the site, I realized that after two solid months, weight loss was no longer my primary focus. I had shifted my priority to the website and the most incredible thing happened. I didn’t gain weight. The weight loss efforts went on auto pilot and ran in the background. I had created space for something else.

I was able to do this because I spent two months creating habits and for once, they took! I cooked, I meal planned, I exercised. But since those things were habit, they didn’t require so much thought and energy anymore! I almost gave up that second month, but I stuck with it. Now, I am beginning to reap the benefits, and it’s glorious.

Welcome to The Cracking Nut blog’s new home! This new website has been a long time coming. My intention was to transition in January, 2015! But ya know, life… and procrastination… and fear… and getting too comfortable. Isn’t that so often why we end up staying where we are?

If you’ve been redirected here, you’re in the right place, no worries, and will find all The Cracking Nut posts here safe and sound. The journey continues, I assure you, but with my own name, rather than The Cracking Nut. Using my own name will allow me some added freedom, but also it just makes my life much easier and will help streamline things, like branding and marketing.

If you’re anything like me, you do things when you make up your mind to and then God help whoever tries to stop you. So it was with this new site. Despite having been paying for hosting and a domain for over a year, it wasn’t until February when it really started to bug me. I felt stagnant. I needed a new project.

Then it was decided. I had never used, let alone seen WordPress, had absolutely zero experience with web design, and had nothing but an article bookmarked a year ago to inform me how to transfer the blog. But I had made up my mind to get to work anyway.

I delayed so long because the task was daunting. As The Cracking Nut grew in number of blog posts and popularity, the thought of starting over and figuring out a seamless transition was enough to make my stomach hurt. I experienced every thought I wrote back in October’s post, Stop Delaying the Pursuit of Your Dreams. I don’t know how to start. I’m not ready. I don’t know what I’m doing.

But I decided to make this site a priority and started with a phone call to my web host, one small step, which set the next two weeks in motion spending every spare moment hard at work. Because I practice what I preach over here, when I want something bad enough, I work hard for it.

I am astounded by what I have learned in so short of a time. It’s as if two weeks ago I didn’t know the alphabet and today finished Dostoyevsky. Hopefully you know by now I don’t say this to brag by any means — how little I knew is quite embarrassing, actually. I tell you to remind you that you have no idea what you can achieve in as short a time as two weeks as long as you make a commitment and prioritize!

So, welcome! I very much hope you like the new set up and use of categories and search field to help you find the most beneficial posts. I’d love to hear what you think in the comments or you can drop me a line via the “Contact” page (fancy pants!).

THANK YOU one million times for your continued support.

Let the journey continue…

People say they don’t care what others think of them, but is that ever true? Doesn’t everyone care, at least a little, what others think of them?

Whenever someone says they don’t care what others think, they are referring to the negative thoughts. It’s a defense mechanism. We don’t want to care. We know we shouldn’t. But damn, it sucks. So we play it cool and shrug it off with an, “I don’t care.”

Have you ever talked with someone and said something complimentary like, “Oh, by the way, Sally thinks you’re charming and a great musician,” only for them to say, “I don’t care what Sally thinks of me.” No. (Unless this person really doesn’t care for Sally). People don’t mind hearing the positive things that others think of them. In fact, we often appreciate it. It’s positive reinforcement and leaves us feeling good about ourselves.

What matters most, of course, is what we think of ourselves. Sure. But we also care what others think to some degree.

When I behave in such a way that leaves me feeling regret or discomfort, I stress over it for a bit. I worry what other people may think of me. (Spoiler alert: People seldom think about anyone other than themselves) But even though I know that, I’m so wrapped up in myself that I think surely, someone is thinking badly about me, and I feel embarrassed.

Curious how we can be so judgmental of our negative qualities/behaviors and not of our positive ones. I may lose sleep feeling like I screwed up. But I don’t ever fall asleep with a smile after a great night in which I behaved thinking, “Nailed it!”

I suppose that’s why learning the positive things others think of us can be so fulfilling… and surprising.

Last week I received a message out of the blue from a friend I don’t get to see or talk to as much as I’d like. She explained that she wanted to cook something new and went to the Asian market. She wrote that she was getting stressed out because she didn’t know what was she doing and couldn’t understand anything, since nothing was in English.

“Then for some reason I thought, I bet if Jess or Kathy were in this situation they would really enjoy it and just take it all in and not be overwhelmed. So I asked myself what Jess or Kathy would do. And I ended up having the best time going up and down every aisle, checking out all the live seafood, smelling all the smells, and now I can’t wait to go back! So you unknowingly brightened my day yesterday.”

This message meant a lot to me. Not because I brightened a friend’s day, but because I inspired her. As a result, she had a new experience so meaningful she felt compelled to share it.

I’ve never considered myself inspirational, not in the sense we often think of when we refer to someone being an “inspiration.” But damn, if I can inspire someone to walk around an Asian market and have a great time, then that’s good enough for me!

I loved learning that my friend thought this of me (and Kathy). I DO care. Very much. I love shopping for food, smelling it, touching it, cooking it, eating it. This passion of mine has clearly been noticed and it inspired someone.

I was perfectly happy in life enjoying food and not giving a damn if anyone knew it and needing zero acknowledgement. I supposed I worried instead if they thought I was too fat. But since my passion has been noticed and acknowledged, I’m happy to know about it.

In a world where we tend to worry what others think of us, lets let each other know the good things we think of one another. Maybe over time, we won’t care so much about the negative since we know there’s good stuff on the other side of the scale working in our favor, reinforcing that we’re not so bad after all.

Earlier this week I sat in a benefits meeting at work since we have a new provider. I wondered about our mental health coverage, but figured I should wait to ask until after the meeting as to not publicly announce my interest in these services.

But then as I looked around the room, I had another thought. There’s no way I’m the only one wondering about this. So I raised my hand and asked, letting anyone at the table think whatever it is they wanted to think about me and/or my mental health. It’s called mental wellness for a reason, and I’m interested in being well. What I’m not interested in is contributing to the stigma of mental illness; the taboo that makes people hesitant to reach out and speak up when they need help, the same one that causes others to look upon someone who experiences an illness with disgrace.

My friend, Kathy has another great guest post coming up about an interesting article she read in Psychology Today. She found the article in the first edition of the magazine that she ever bought personally.

“I had been skimming through the magazines in my therapist’s waiting area for over a year,” she wrote. “I finally worked up enough courage to buy a copy for myself—and then a subscription—something I had wanted to do for a long time, but I had to work on my feelings of shame surrounding my desire first.”

Kathy hadn’t purchased the subscription because she wondered what other people would think.

“What is the cashier going to think? Will I feel comfortable reading it on the train? My God, I was acting like someone buying condoms for the first time.”

Despite many magazines suffering declines in readership over the past several years, Adweek, in 2013, noted Psychology Today‘s 36 percent increase in readership (source). What that says to me is there are a lot more people interested in mental health or a lot more mental health professionals. If so, there must be demand for those professionals. I’d like to say that Kathy’s fear was unfounded and exaggerated in relation to the increased popularity of the magazine, but I can’t. Because there is still that stigma.

“Mental Illness is such a taboo phrase; yet everyone has had moments or days or weeks or months or even years when they didn’t function at their best emotionally or mentally, Kathy added. “Why is this something that is so wrapped in shame? I’m still uncomfortable admitting I see a therapist to most of my friends, unless I know they have used the same resource for themselves.”

Kathy’s right. There are a lot of people walking around who are not functioning at their best. People hear “mental illness/disorder” and think things like Bi-polar Disorder, Schizophrenia, PTSD and of sociopaths. But do you know what the most common disorders are? They are:

• Alcohol/substance abuse/dependence
• Anxiety disorders
• ADHD/ADD
• Depression
• Eating disorders

I’m willing to bet you have experienced one of these disorders or have at least one close friend or relative who has. So why the stigma?

According to Vince G. Sparks, who wrote one of the best articles I’ve read on this subject, “The stigma exists because of a lack of understanding, knowledge and education about mental illness.”

Like Kathy often says, mental illness can happen to anyone. “We are just balancing on the beam, and we can all teeter over the edge.” Mental illness isn’t anyone’s fault. Life is hard. Emotional and mental well being is an absolute necessity, just as important as diet and exercise in my opinion.

Those who live with mental illness deserve our kindness and compassion, just like someone fighting cancer. We dub cancer patients as fighters and find them inspiring. Cancer patients are celebrated every year in rallies and races and all number of charity events. Once people beat cancer, they wear their survivorship like the badge of honor that it is.

But imagine for one moment if there was so little understanding about cancer that it had a negative stigma. Imagine a world without all the weekend fundraisers and rallies and races, without all the support groups, without all the encouragement, without all the commercials and treatment centers and research dollars and overwhelming desire to find a cure. If you can imagine all that, then you can imagine what the state of mental illness in this country is.

The hurtful stigma and judgements only result in shame and isolation, which prevent people from seeking the help they need. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were more weekend rallies and commercials and inspiring stories and research money around mental illnesses, I guarantee that would help the stigma because it would demonstrate the prevalence of these illnesses. Once people understand this is common, they may not be so willing to undermine their intense emotions or startling thoughts, and reach out to someone just like people do when they have a pain in their stomach that won’t go away.

We can all do our part. Let’s not judge so harshly things we may not understand. Let’s keep talking about this!

Please also know that the holidays can be the most difficult time of year for those who live with depression. Depression is not something that can be snapped out of. The holidays are a time of year when people miss their loved ones, have high expectations that often lead to disappointment, and generally feel lonely from the constant bombardment of advertisements featuring happy families. It’s also a stressful time for nearly everyone. Let’s look out for another and offer a hand or an ear. Pay attention to your loved ones. Do your part to ensure they know they are supported.

Greetings from Nockamixon State Park in Pennsylvania! I am typing this post from my corner in the common room at the hostel I am staying at with four fellow South Jersey Writers.

I am thrilled to report that I have hit the 25,000 word mark for NaNoWriMo. I promised myself I would not do anything else until I hit that milestone, so I’m finally taking a break from my novel and updating you with my progress. I have written 8,140 words since arriving Friday night and many of them are decent. I slowed it down immensely, going back to my preferred style of writing (which includes self-editing) and focused on content rather than word count.

But enough about that.

Did you know it was from this very hostel in the woods that I launched this blog last November? Yes, she turns one this month! I am filled with excitement and pride. With this blog I took an idea and turned it into something real. I committed to jumping in and launching it, unsure if I could really sustain it or if anyone would read it, and if they did, what they would think of me. I did it anyway and for one solid year I have nurtured and fed and watered this blog, and in return it has given me a sense of purpose and has helped me grow from seed to seedling.

I had wanted to start this blog for a while before I actually did. Something delayed me and it had nothing to do with content or desire.

It had to do with my weight.

I wanted professional photos for when I made my debut as a blogger. I wanted to lose weight first so I kept putting off the photo shoot. I delayed a major goal of mine because I thought I was too fat to have my photo taken.

In some fortunate moment of clarity, I decided to finally have the photos taken anyway. The one of me in the sidebar and on the “About” page are from that shoot. It was taken last November. I weigh more now than I did in those photos, most unfortunately. But I tell you that because if I didn’t realize how silly it was and kept waiting to be thinner before having my photos taken in order to launch a blog, I would still be waiting an entire year later.

See my point?

Thank you so very much for being a part of my journey this past year. Loyal readers are what energized this blog and helped push me to improve so I’d have experiences to share. Your comments and support have encouraged me immensely. Thank you, sincerely. I am so grateful for your support. I am excited for the year ahead as we continue to nurture our seedlings and grow together. This blog isn’t going anywhere, but up.

Sitting here it is not lost on me that last November I started this blog and this November I am drafting a novel. In the span of one year I have taken control over the pursuit of my dreams and I am exponentially happier as a result. That’s the journey: to be happier and live a more meaningful life.

A more official birthday post will be coming on November 22nd, this blog’s official birthday, so stay tuned. Thank you for bearing with me during NaNoWriMo, the part of the journey when I pull off to the side of road and write furiously for a month.

I’ll be packing up and heading back on the metaphorical road in December.

Much love and gratitude to all of you.

Being that November is National Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), I am hard at work drafting my first fiction novel (it is both daunting and exciting three days in). In order to help me prioritize on that writing, my good friend, Kathy offered to write another guest post.

In my last post, I wrote about feeling stuck and used a metaphorical room as an example. The post stemmed further discussion between Kathy and I and she raised many wonderful points about our need for a safe room when we do scary things, like work on ourselves. Following is her take on being stuck; things that had not occurred to me before, but left me feeling much better about my need for a safe room.

What if being stuck were only a physical condition, and our minds are free? What if the room that we‘re sitting in has no roof? So when I lean back, snuggled up with a soft blanket on a comfy couch, I take a deep breath, and look up at the stars? I need the safety of those four walls many times. Especially when I am doing the incredibly difficult work of self-analysis, growth, and personal expansion.

By Kathy M.

Instead of running away from something or running towards something, what if we just need a room to hang out in? A room that is familiar and safe. A room that allows free expression, as we move furniture and repaint walls and learn to see the new in the familiar?

I have learned to recognize the stages of personal growth to include needing that safety room. Needing to remain steady. To remain in a place of what seems like inaction when, in fact, I am gathering strength. I am training for the next big leap. Because growth is HARD. Growth takes energy. Growth is very close to grieving. It can be exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time.

Personal freedom is an interesting concept. A room can feel safe to one person and like a prison to another. What makes the difference? To the outsider looking in, there may not seem to be a difference. And yet that to me is the definition of personal growth. When we have evolved in our thinking, in our processing, when we can see the same situation on a deeper level; we are transforming ourselves.

I believe life situations that spark emotions of dissatisfaction are ripe with opportunity for investigation of one’s self. Asking why. Why is this bothering me? Why am I not at peace? Many times we externalize our pain so that it is the job or the husband or the friend who has made us feel stuck. I believe most of the time we are simply projecting onto someone or something else that which we are not ready to see in ourselves.

Byron Katie supports the idea of questioning, which Jessica has written about before in this link. If a thought or belief is bothering us, we need to sit and examine it. We need to use turn-arounds to help us see what we are not willing to see. A Course in Miracles teaches us that we are all living in our own movie. All of the people in our lives that hurt us or love us, or have something to teach us are only mirrors walking around us, fulfilling a spiritual agreement to help us grow and evolve spiritually. We are not only the star of our own movie; we are in fact the director and the writer. The key is to remember that our suffering is only the projected movie. When we separate from God, the true source and love—we suffer. When we are connected to that source—when we remember we are love; we are at peace.

Oprah recently featured a new series on her TV network called Belief, which explored humankind’s ongoing search to connect with something greater than ourselves. “What do you believe?” she asked at the beginning of each episode in a voice-over to stunning cinematography. The series followed individuals to various countries around the world, with various religions and spiritual beliefs, to uncover the very human experience of how we form our lives around our beliefs.If we believe we are inherently broken, how does that shape us? If we believe we are a blessed child of God, how does that shape our lives instead?

I believe having a support network is vital to any change. Facing our fears and taking action in spite of them is one of the most challenging decisions any of us can make. When we have to take that type of step without a support network, it not only feels utterly frightening, we risk traumatizing ourselves. If we don’t cushion ourselves to have a ‘soft landing’ after experiencing a heart wrenching experience, we can feel even more stuck than before. I have always told friends that as long as we are moving forward, even using ‘baby steps’ as my mother would advise, we are moving in the right direction. And I have always believed U-turns are permitted.

Yet remaining in one place externally doesn’t mean that we are not challenging ourselves; it doesn’t mean we’re not growing or progressing. I think sometimes there’s too much emphasis, particularly from those with privilege (a spouse or family member that can financially support one person following their dream for example) who have access to an audience, to persuade their listeners to ‘follow their dreams.’ Get that divorce, quit that job. I disagree.

Once it’s no longer about the husband or the boss, make whatever decision feels right. However I do believe that until we can come to a place of peace within those difficult situations, we will only repeat our patterns again with a new partner and a new boss.

The lessons that we are meant to learn don’t change over our lifetime. Many times I wish they did. Many times I encounter a familiar cross I have borne with complete and utter despair at recognizing it again. I thought I had that figured out already, I whine to myself. Discovering ourselves and what makes us tick is our life’s work. We all have an onion with endless layers to peel back. Unfortunately, as much as I have wished it, we never do get to trade in our onion for a different one. We simply continue to peel back those layers; sometimes encountering new revelations, many times revisiting lessons which we need to go back to and dig a bit deeper.

I have made dramatic jumps in my life, thinking that it would allow me to follow my dreams and lose my onion for good. This action is generally applauded by others. It can be inspiring for others to watch someone take the leap themselves. I have found after many jumps, bumps and jolts that no matter what we do to run away from our onion, it is always quietly waiting for us once we land.

So how do we believe that anything and everything is possible? Especially if we were not raised with that mindset? Watching the personal journeys through Oprah’s series illustrated the many paths that people have taken to connect with that very concept. For those of us who have experienced any type of trauma in our lives, we have a lot of soul cleansing to do. Love and forgiveness are two practices that can pave the way. Yet they are not singular emotions. To love and forgive anyone who has hurt us is an ongoing process. ‘One and done’ will not work. A Course in Miracles teaches that if an action is not one of love, it is a call to be loved. If we can love our husband as we ask for divorce; if we can love our boss as we hand in our resignation, that is where our own belief in our self grows.

Anyone we are unable to love or forgive is simply a projection of a piece of ourselves that we are unable to love or forgive. When we can recognize that — when we can remember that we are in this movie of our lives, so that we can wake up and discover the peace that already resides in us—when we can love and forgive ourselves; that is when we can sit in our room and feel peace.