We all have relationships with difficult people. By difficult, I mean people who are in some way toxic: self-centered, arrogant, ignorant, judgemental, needy, play the role of the consummate victim, inconsiderate, bossy, dishonest, or insert any number of negative personality traits here, or heaven forbid, a combination of them all. Of course you know at least one. Although a lot of people advise us to cut negative people from our lives, it’s not often feasible or realistic. Sometimes the most we can do is learn how to deal with challenging people as best we can and try to protect ourselves in the process.

I’ve been dealing with one difficult person in particular for a long time. I still experience anxiety, anger, frustration, and distress as a result of this relationship. For the record, I’m not passive. I have tried defending myself and speaking up when I feel I’ve been wronged. I’ve learned though that when it comes to certain people, this gets me nowhere. My reaction, no matter how practiced or collected, only makes things worse. That’s because problem people love a reaction and don’t respond to reason. Never once have I succeeded with words when it comes to these people in my life. All we can do when it comes to people like this is try to enforce healthy boundaries and remember that their negativity has nothing to do with us.

This is hard! When someone makes accusations about me or my life, or directs their anger and frustration at me, it is really hard to remember that it has nothing to do with me. That’s when I turn to these quotes to help me remember.

Bookmark these quotes or print them out. Let them help to remind you the next time you are faced with a difficult person that their behavior is not to be taken personally.

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We all abide by certain rules. Some are mainstream or fairly common and passed down through the generations like gospel, such as no swimming for thirty minutes after a meal. Some are specific to family, like certain bedtime rituals that left unperformed result in restless nights. And some rules are individualized, conjured from something we saw, heard or read that resonated on a deep and personal level. But when rules are too rigid, we forget to question them, and that’s when we can unnecessarily become bound by misinformation or habit.

I’ve been thinking a lot about rules lately, and what mine are. They can be difficult to identify because they’re so ingrained and obliged mindlessly. But last week I identified one so clearly I actually laughed out loud. And then in an act of defiance, I broke that rule.

Dear readers, believe me when I tell you that as long as I can remember I have obeyed the rule that one can never eat more than one banana in a single day. This rule ranked up there with ‘Thou shalt not kill” in terms of severity. I do not recall where I read or heard it, but it stuck. I eat a banana every day and have planned my bananas according to this rule. If I planned on a yogurt parfait for lunch, I didn’t have a smoothie for breakfast. If I had a banana in my cereal, I didn’t have one as an evening snack. Somehow I failed to ever question the absurdity of this rule, EVEN WHEN I CHOWED DOWN ON JUNK FOOD BECAUSE I NEEDED SOMETHING AND KNEW IT COULDN’T BE A SECOND BANANA.

Now do you see why I laughed? The night I finally realized the idiocy of this rule I had been peering into my fridge looking for a snack. To my right sat a lovely bunch of bananas. I saw them, but my rule shut that option down immediately and I went back to peering in the fridge. Then the lightbulb! To think of the pounds of crap I have eaten simply because I denied myself a second banana is absurd. I laughed. And then I ate that second banana and damn, it was liberating! I had two bananas yesterday, too. Whatcha gonna do about it?

What rules are you attached to? I identified two others in the past week. On Saturday I worked on a project all morning and into the afternoon and then I told myself I had missed my chance to go to the gym. Going to the gym on Saturday is a morning thing. RULE! It was totally weird for me, but I went at 2:00 in the afternoon. The other: you can’t meditate laying down! That doesn’t count! Guess what, I laid myself down and practiced what I’ve preached – I can meditate however the hell I want. (Breaking rules makes me feel like a badass – can ya tell?)

I mean, who said we can’t order dessert before dinner? I know who said. WE said, and when I say “we,” I mean us as individuals because the only one who is making you follow that rule is you (assuming you’re an adult, of course.)

There are so many rules around everything that I think we should start questioning more. Rules around how to load the dishwasher, rules around exercise and food, rules around work and play (this is a BIG one), rules around sex and intimacy (another big one). Who says you can’t read all afternoon? Yes, even if your house is messy. Who says you’re too old to go in the jumpy castle? Who says you can’t laugh and joke during sex? Who says you can’t eat two bananas?

Let’s not allow dotted guidelines to become too rigid and bold. Let’s allow room to QUESTION. Lets be curious and assess our rules, and have fun breaking the ones we don’t need.

Tell me, what unnecessary rules have you adhered to? Which rules do you want to break? I’d love to hear from you – let’s be a bunch of rule breakers together!

Being that November is National Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), I am hard at work drafting my first fiction novel (it is both daunting and exciting three days in). In order to help me prioritize on that writing, my good friend, Kathy offered to write another guest post.

In my last post, I wrote about feeling stuck and used a metaphorical room as an example. The post stemmed further discussion between Kathy and I and she raised many wonderful points about our need for a safe room when we do scary things, like work on ourselves. Following is her take on being stuck; things that had not occurred to me before, but left me feeling much better about my need for a safe room.

What if being stuck were only a physical condition, and our minds are free? What if the room that we‘re sitting in has no roof? So when I lean back, snuggled up with a soft blanket on a comfy couch, I take a deep breath, and look up at the stars? I need the safety of those four walls many times. Especially when I am doing the incredibly difficult work of self-analysis, growth, and personal expansion.

By Kathy M.

Instead of running away from something or running towards something, what if we just need a room to hang out in? A room that is familiar and safe. A room that allows free expression, as we move furniture and repaint walls and learn to see the new in the familiar?

I have learned to recognize the stages of personal growth to include needing that safety room. Needing to remain steady. To remain in a place of what seems like inaction when, in fact, I am gathering strength. I am training for the next big leap. Because growth is HARD. Growth takes energy. Growth is very close to grieving. It can be exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time.

Personal freedom is an interesting concept. A room can feel safe to one person and like a prison to another. What makes the difference? To the outsider looking in, there may not seem to be a difference. And yet that to me is the definition of personal growth. When we have evolved in our thinking, in our processing, when we can see the same situation on a deeper level; we are transforming ourselves.

I believe life situations that spark emotions of dissatisfaction are ripe with opportunity for investigation of one’s self. Asking why. Why is this bothering me? Why am I not at peace? Many times we externalize our pain so that it is the job or the husband or the friend who has made us feel stuck. I believe most of the time we are simply projecting onto someone or something else that which we are not ready to see in ourselves.

Byron Katie supports the idea of questioning, which Jessica has written about before in this link. If a thought or belief is bothering us, we need to sit and examine it. We need to use turn-arounds to help us see what we are not willing to see. A Course in Miracles teaches us that we are all living in our own movie. All of the people in our lives that hurt us or love us, or have something to teach us are only mirrors walking around us, fulfilling a spiritual agreement to help us grow and evolve spiritually. We are not only the star of our own movie; we are in fact the director and the writer. The key is to remember that our suffering is only the projected movie. When we separate from God, the true source and love—we suffer. When we are connected to that source—when we remember we are love; we are at peace.

Oprah recently featured a new series on her TV network called Belief, which explored humankind’s ongoing search to connect with something greater than ourselves. “What do you believe?” she asked at the beginning of each episode in a voice-over to stunning cinematography. The series followed individuals to various countries around the world, with various religions and spiritual beliefs, to uncover the very human experience of how we form our lives around our beliefs.If we believe we are inherently broken, how does that shape us? If we believe we are a blessed child of God, how does that shape our lives instead?

I believe having a support network is vital to any change. Facing our fears and taking action in spite of them is one of the most challenging decisions any of us can make. When we have to take that type of step without a support network, it not only feels utterly frightening, we risk traumatizing ourselves. If we don’t cushion ourselves to have a ‘soft landing’ after experiencing a heart wrenching experience, we can feel even more stuck than before. I have always told friends that as long as we are moving forward, even using ‘baby steps’ as my mother would advise, we are moving in the right direction. And I have always believed U-turns are permitted.

Yet remaining in one place externally doesn’t mean that we are not challenging ourselves; it doesn’t mean we’re not growing or progressing. I think sometimes there’s too much emphasis, particularly from those with privilege (a spouse or family member that can financially support one person following their dream for example) who have access to an audience, to persuade their listeners to ‘follow their dreams.’ Get that divorce, quit that job. I disagree.

Once it’s no longer about the husband or the boss, make whatever decision feels right. However I do believe that until we can come to a place of peace within those difficult situations, we will only repeat our patterns again with a new partner and a new boss.

The lessons that we are meant to learn don’t change over our lifetime. Many times I wish they did. Many times I encounter a familiar cross I have borne with complete and utter despair at recognizing it again. I thought I had that figured out already, I whine to myself. Discovering ourselves and what makes us tick is our life’s work. We all have an onion with endless layers to peel back. Unfortunately, as much as I have wished it, we never do get to trade in our onion for a different one. We simply continue to peel back those layers; sometimes encountering new revelations, many times revisiting lessons which we need to go back to and dig a bit deeper.

I have made dramatic jumps in my life, thinking that it would allow me to follow my dreams and lose my onion for good. This action is generally applauded by others. It can be inspiring for others to watch someone take the leap themselves. I have found after many jumps, bumps and jolts that no matter what we do to run away from our onion, it is always quietly waiting for us once we land.

So how do we believe that anything and everything is possible? Especially if we were not raised with that mindset? Watching the personal journeys through Oprah’s series illustrated the many paths that people have taken to connect with that very concept. For those of us who have experienced any type of trauma in our lives, we have a lot of soul cleansing to do. Love and forgiveness are two practices that can pave the way. Yet they are not singular emotions. To love and forgive anyone who has hurt us is an ongoing process. ‘One and done’ will not work. A Course in Miracles teaches that if an action is not one of love, it is a call to be loved. If we can love our husband as we ask for divorce; if we can love our boss as we hand in our resignation, that is where our own belief in our self grows.

Anyone we are unable to love or forgive is simply a projection of a piece of ourselves that we are unable to love or forgive. When we can recognize that — when we can remember that we are in this movie of our lives, so that we can wake up and discover the peace that already resides in us—when we can love and forgive ourselves; that is when we can sit in our room and feel peace. 
 

I stumbled upon a former friend’s birthday in my calendar when scheduling some appointments and my stomach dropped. When I originally entered the occasion eight or so years ago, I scheduled it to be repeated annually. When prompted for how long, I selected “forever”, what I assumed the duration of our friendship would be.

I was wrong.

I deleted the series without hesitation, permanently removing any written reminder of her birthday. If I happen to remember it on my own, I will send her metta (loving-kindness) and go on with my day. But having a permanent reminder doesn’t serve me. Reminders of her sting like paper cuts – hardly visible, not at all critical nor long-lasting, but painful nevertheless. They add nothing positive to my life, so therefore have no reason to stay.

Holding on to painful memories that don’t serve us is masochistic. It welcomes unnecessary grief and stunts the healing and growing process. Time heals wounds, but only if we leave them alone. Looking at pictures, keeping note of birthdays or certain “would-be” anniversaries, and leaving numbers in your phone are all acts of scab-picking that reopen wounds. These acts create scars that remain visible and then serve as their own permanent reminders. What you end up with is trauma over the loss, and additional suffering over the way you handled the loss.

I have experienced a lot of devastating trauma around friendships throughout my life. During my release ritual, I dealt with my feelings of abandonment, resentments, and sense of inferiority. I let so many of those lingering traumas go, but although faded, I will always carry the scars of a major loss that occurred during adolescence. The reason why is simple — the event shaped who I am. I don’t lament that loss, however. I have accepted it.

The loss of this friend whose birthday I deleted from my calendar hasn’t had such a lasting impact on me. The friendship came at a time when I desperately needed one. I literally prayed for a friend and I felt that my prayers had been answered when she entered my life. The truth is, however, that we weren’t very good friends to one another, and in hindsight, it’s easy to see why our friendship didn’t survive its challenges and outside influences. What is weak is easily broken, and our friendship had weakened over its last couple of years until it simply faded away without a single parting word.

Although I struggled briefly with the lack of finality (I like closure), I acknowledged that was a need that would serve no one if pursued. Shortly after things were obviously over forever, I had a wonderful dream. In that dream, I visited her in her new home. As was often the case throughout our friendship, I struggled for her attention, having to compete with her child and cellphone as I struggled to make small talk. Finally, she looked up at me and said, “I love you, but not as much.” This news was wonderful and I replied in excitable agreement, “Oh my God, I feel the same way. I don’t love you as much anymore, either!”

I awoke from my dream smiling and feeling lighter. I had gotten my closure. Sometimes it’s that simple — you just don’t love as much as you once did. And sometimes people come into your life for a reason, and when that reason has run its course, it is time for them to go. I don’t regret this friendship because I fully understand the purpose it served and I have a lot of great memories. But I also understand why it ended, and this is why I do not grieve. My heart is not broken.

But just because I do not grieve, doesn’t mean I care to be reminded of the loss of this friendship and the lingering negative emotions that sometimes accompany thoughts of her. During the minimalism challenge earlier this year, I disposed of some of the physical items that reminded me of her. Then later when I read Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, I was able to hold a remaining item and ask myself truthfully: does this bring me joy? The answer was no, so I thanked the item for its time in my life, and placed it in the trash.

Although not a physical item, a reminder on a calendar can be clutter. Technology and social media rule our lives. Consider cleaning up your calendar, old saved e-mails, and who you’re following. If someone or things that someone often shares don’t serve you or make you feel anything but happy or educated, then they don’t serve you and can be deleted from your life.

Allowing these negative triggers to stay is an invitation to be hurt. I cannot tell you how many times I have searched for an e-mail using keywords and old hurtful or stressful e-mails have shown up in the results, sidetracking me and inflicting painful jabs. I have minimized my possessions and those things that do not bring me joy. It is time to take those habits online.

I may think of my friend on her birthday and I may not. At least I won’t be caught off guard by a reminder. This wound is nearly healed — I think I’ll keep leaving it alone.

The last time I wrote about A Course in Weight Loss, it was on lesson #3. I had described my altar as my safe place and what creating your safe place entails. Since then, my altar has become crowded, but in a good way. Over the weekend I completed lesson #6, so as part of my commitment to doing all the work entailed in the book and reporting back to you here, I will use this post to recap lessons #4-6. Before I do so, however, I want to report that somewhere around lesson #5, a shift finally occurred in my relationship with food. For the first time in a very long time, I feel that I have a modicum of control over food and not the other way around. This is in thanks to the tools I am learning and the work I am doing.

Again, I remind you that these lessons do not only apply to weight loss, but to all unwanted areas of life: addiction, unhappiness, etc. Also, these are only recaps. If you want to do the work in this wonderful book, please do pick it up and read it for yourself so you get all the information.

Lesson #4 is titled, “Invoke the Real You” and is about facing down the fears that feed our compulsions, and realizing that our bodies at their healthiest, happiest, and most creative already exist and dwell in divine possibility. Marianne Williamson writes that our healthier figures are not just vague hopes dangling out in the universe somewhere– rather, they are divine imprints gestating within us. “The same God who created roses created you,” she writes. “Nothing you have ever done and nothing that anyone has ever done to you could make imperfect what God created perfect.” 

Through spiritual practice we can find our way back to our real selves: through prayer, meditation, forgiveness, and compassion. So in lesson #4 we meditate on removing any fear we have of being who we really are. No one is holding us back except ourselves. “You are cruel to you,” Williamson writes. “You are withholding from you. You are harming you.”

Embracing the power of positive thought and the law of attraction, ideas I already believe in, lesson #4 teaches us that the more we embrace the image of a beautiful body and emotionally permit ourselves to desire one, the more our subconscious minds will make one manifest. Therefore, rather than comparing and contrasting our bodies with those in magazines, which usually leads to a seesaw of alternating motivation and despair, we will project our real selves into the world, creating a new image for ourselves rather than the ones that have always existed with our flabby stomachs and double chins.

I was with Williamson until she suggested self-imposing my head onto images of beautiful bodies. I thought this was pretty ridiculous, to be honest and I felt embarrassed. In fact, it took me a couple weeks to be convinced that I should. Since my beauty apparently already exists, the more I claim it as already existing, the more quickly it will materialize. Supposedly.

So I did it. I tore out four photos from my favorite catalog, Athleta, and cut my head off photos and taped them over the models, fully prepared to blame the book should anyone decide to have me committed for this strange act. I placed the four images on my altar. And you know what? I love looking at them. The very next morning when my alarm clock went off at the dreadful hour of 5:00 am, I hit the snooze button. Then I thought of those images of myself with the body I dream of, and I got my ass up and to the gym. Envisioning your face on the body you desire really is a helpful tool.

As an overweight person, you have given birth to the body of your suffering; it’s time now to give birth to the body of your joy. – M. Williamson

Lessons #4-6 all represented on my altar.

Lesson #5 is titled “Start a Love Affair with Food” but I prefer to call it, “Let’s Go Shopping!” First of all, Williamson acknowledges that many of us are at home thinking “Ummm, shouldn’t we be ending our love affair with food?” and I love her response.

What you’ve had up to this point has been an obsessive relationship. THERE IS NO LOVE THERE. Pain and compulsion and self-hate are not love.”

So to begin this love affair, in summary we need to learn to eat mindfully and appreciate our food for how it contributes to our health. “The eating patterns of an overeater are chaotic, fearful, furtive, and out of control.” This lesson is a plan for “dissolving your hysteria and filling your emptiness by replacing it with love.” We can attain healthy neutrality toward food by learning to love it, and the only food we can really love is food that loves us back. Sundaes may give us a momentary high, but so can crystal meth. Things full of sugar and processed chemicals bring us lots of things, but you will not find love amongst the higher cholesterol and increased cancer, diabetes, cardiovascular disease and food allergy risks, not to mention the weight gain. Foods that love you contribute to your well-being.  

So in lesson #5, we learn to build a new ritual: the ritual of healthy, wise, non-secretive, and loving eating. And we get to go shopping! Because this ritual involves a new beautiful napkin, new beautiful plate, new beautiful placemat, new beautiful glass, and new beautiful knife, fork and spoon. (I threw in the new beautiful bowl by choice.) These things must be new because we can’t build new rituals using the tools that represent the old.

If that word “ritual” still brings up negative connotations for you, I suggest you read my post “Demystifying the Ritual” or remembering that secretive and excessive eating is also a form of ritual so please don’t try to argue that ritual isn’t for you.

These items must be beautiful because beauty is sacred. Also, nothing need be expensive. My entire place setting pictured below cost less than $20, but it is beautiful and I love it! I washed everything and set it up on my altar, as the book instructs, to beckon the real you… the healthy person who has not quite arrived yet. This place setting can be used whenever I feel like it. I guarantee you that I will not be loading my plate and bowl up with junk. Eating off of these items will be an act of love and mindfulness.

Lesson #5 and #6. A lotus flower is etched into the glass!

Lesson #6 is titled “Build a Relationship with Good Food.” In Lesson #5 we start the love affair, but lesson #6 will help us when that love affair begins to lose its excitement, like when a salad every day no longer does it for you. Contrary to what you may assume, I am a very healthy eater. I cook and eat “real” food. My issue is over-indulgence and emotional binge-eating.

So when lesson #6 instructed me to go buy a piece of fruit, any piece of fruit, I wanted something I have never had before because me and fruit are already in love. I wanted to meet fruit’s exotic cousin.

Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the majesty of a mountain? Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the beauty of a flower? Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the power of a river or the force of a rainstorm? Then why is it that when it comes to food, people have developed this ridiculous notion that we’ve somehow improved on God? That chemically processed food is somehow preferable to what nature has to offer?

– M. Williamson

Enter sexy, mysterious dragonfruit! Rawr!  I placed the dragonfruit on my altar for a day then the next morning (after googling how to cut it – it looks way more intimidating than it is), I cut it up and placed it in my beautiful new bowl on my altar and performed the meditation in the book. It was an exercise in mindful eating and an act of love. After a few bites, I decided it would be better as a smoothie so I blended it with banana and beet and almond milk, but I don’t think it minded.

Lesson #6. Dragonfruit whole, diced, smoothied.

A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever is changing my dysfunctional relationship with food. That relationship has been a source of my suffering so this weight loss journey is running parallel with my journey to be a more compassionate person. The work is going hand in hand, two lines that weave along together in the same direction toward the same destination: happiness.

I had a crappy week at work. I’m not going into details, but I took work home with me emotionally and was generally just beaten down, stressed, anxious and aggravated. It happens.

There was a time during the week that I thought to myself, I haven’t felt this anxious in a while, and then let it go. It was a shitty week – this was to be expected. I still went out one night and had fun with present and former co-workers, rather than cancel. One night I fought off the urge to order pizza and made soup instead to comfort me. I missed two workouts, but I cut myself some slack. I thought I was doing pretty damn good considering my anxiety and general upset.

But then a friend said to me, “It’s been awhile since you were so off-center.” I immediately felt self-conscious. What had I done? 

“Am I really that off-center?,” I asked. “Can you tell me specifically what I have done/said that makes you think so? I’m curious and want to learn from it.” 

“You’ve been so upset.”

“Well, yeah,” I answered. “But isn’t that life? Isn’t it okay once in a while to just have a shitty week when something extra shitty is going on? Everyone gets upset at times.”

“I just worry that you’ll look back over this time and wish you had done something differently or handled it differently.”

That got to me and made me think.

Will this work crap matter in a year? Probably not, but it does matter now. I wish I was poised enough to have not let it bother me, but that’s not who I am. I am passionate and invested in the things that I do (and sensitive). I’m also still learning. As for what I could have done differently, sure, there were things, but then I thought of all the things I could have done worse. Things like call out sick? Go in the bathroom and cry? Eat junk food every night? Cancel on my co-workers? Not worked out at all? 

At some point or another I have done all of those things, but I have not done them in a long time. I have come a long way from the person I used to be. I am still a long way from the person I want to be, sure, and I am grateful to my friend for reminding me of that. 

My work woes are not over just yet, but I have decided to behave more like the person I want to be rather than the person I used to be, and I decided to try a better approach. I don’t expect to never be thrown off-center again. I only expect to handle it better every time. 

Starting now. So I came up with a few ways we can be “more better” when we’re upset:

1. Don’t skip workouts.

Exercise is a natural stress reducer and mood enhancer. I prefer to work out in the mornings but getting up at 5:15 am when I’m tired and dreading my day is damn near impossible. It’s times like this, however, that it’s more important than ever we start our day out healthy and strong. When I don’t work out it’s just another thing I’m bummed about, compounding the other nonsense.

2. Meditate more.

Had I meditated more this past week I would have given my brain a break from my anxieties and stresses and felt calmer. This is a no brainer.

3. Leave your problem where it belongs.

There was nothing to be done about my work issue outside of working hours so thinking about the problem was a complete waste of energy and robbed me of my free time. If your problem is isolated to a certain place, then leave it there.

4. Eat well – seek out healthy comfort foods. 

Stressful times are dangerous times when it comes to eating. We tend to look for mood enhancer foods: salty, sweet, etc. Indulge a little with some good chocolate if that’s what you need, but try to seek out healthier comfort foods like soups, lighter sandwiches, etc. I am getting much better at this, but can certainly be “more better”.

5. Express gratitude.

It’s easy to get into the mindset that everything sucks when there’s a significant problem, but surely not “everything” sucks. Take some time to reflect and express gratitude for the good stuff.

For example, even though work was upsetting, I am still extremely grateful to even have a job. My job gave me the means to go out with my co-workers and treat myself to Afghan food for lunch with my girlfriend, Kathy. Beyond the sustenance, I got to try something new, which is exciting and fun for me.

6. Talk to positive people who inspire the best in you. 

When upset, it is not the time to talk to that negative friend or family member that loves a good pity party and will only make you feel worse, or use that time to talk about their own problems. Talking through problems and venting is a good thing, but seek out the people who will listen and offer constructive advice or just listen and sympathize and help you move past it. My wonderful friend inspired this post!

7. Make self-care a priority.

Make time for reading, coffee with a friend, a nap, etc. – anything that helps you relax and feel better.

8. Be gentle to yourself.

Cut yourself some slack. You’re upset. Be sure to try to do all you can to help yourself through the funk, but if that means taking a long nap and not getting some chores done, then so be it. I’m not beating myself up over spending Wednesday night on the couch. It was what I needed and how I gave myself self-care.

9. Give a hug. Get a hug. 

If you need a hug, ask for one. Kathy suggests saying, “don’t let go until I let go.” A great spouse, friend or family member will happily oblige. Cry it out if you have to.

10. Avoid unnecessary drama. 

If you know that every time so-and-so calls, you end up hanging up the phone pissed off, then this is not the time to brave that phone call. You’re already upset – don’t subject yourself to more. Insulate yourself from life’s dramas and put them off until a time when you’re feeling more able to handle them with grace.

11. Bonus! And if all this fails, look at photos and videos of ELEPHANTS BEING AMAZING!

It always picks me right up.

Let’s all be “more better” together.

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Friday night I performed the release ritual I referenced in the post Brick by Brick: Tearing Down Your Emotional Wall, and it was incredible. I had a genuine spiritual experience and I feel… different. I feel lighter, happier, and most of all (and hardest to describe) I feel love, like I received a shot of warmth straight to my heart. Now I fully understand the importance of creating our own rituals to heal ourselves.

As a reminder, I have been working my way through lesson #1 in Marianne Williamson’s A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever. I wrote in a notebook all the things that I feel resentful, guilty, ashamed and angry about; my fears and burdens, reasons I feel inferior; 18 emotions in all in an effort to rid myself of excess emotional waste. Once everything was written down, the book provides a prayer and visualization to surrender it to God (or a higher being). The release ritual was all my idea. I wanted something more involved, something a little more noteworthy and deserving of so much emotional shit. I wanted it to be an event. I’m a planner and I like things to be elaborate.

What is a ritual?

My husband teased me, referring to my ritual as voodoo and offered to bring me home some chicken bones. There’s something about the word “ritual” that makes people think of sacrificial offerings or dancing naked around a fire. Although rituals are often rooted in religion, they are solemn ceremonies or behaviors consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order. Rituals maintain tradition and offer closure; their formality is comforting. Sunday Mass and funerals are well-known rituals. To some degree so is surrounding someone with a cake in front of them and singing Happy Birthday.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat, Pray, Love that we do spiritual ceremonies “in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don’t have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down.” That was precisely my plan with this release ritual. This is why people lovingly design intricate scrapbooks to contain their precious memories, or burn photos in an effort to move on after heartbreak.

My release ritual

The morning of the ritual I thought I would awaken excited, but I felt agitated all day, apprehensive, not unlike a child who has done something wrong
and is equal parts defensive, ashamed, and afraid of punishment. I had been hiding from God for a while and I was nervous to speak to Him.

Later that night I sent my husband out so I could have total privacy. I lit candles and incense on my altar and settled in with my notebook seated on my zabuton and zafu (Japanese cushions used in meditation). I turned off the lights.

After a nervous and awkward start, I was soon spilling open aloud to God, sharing every negative action, thought, and memory. I sobbed and excused myself to blow my nose as if seated across from Him in a therapy session. Things began to make sense in a way they hadn’t when I wrote them down. After every emotion I felt a calm. Before turning the page, I would say: “Dear God, I surrender my (insert emotion here) to you. Please take it from me. Amen.”

When I was finished with all 18 emotions the book says to visualize a brick wall comprised of all the suffering and pain I had been carrying around, then ask God to help me break it down, brick by brick. I settled in to a calm meditation. It took some time to form a mental image of the Big Man, but when I did, He resembled a mix of Albus Dumbledore, Father Time, and Jesus Christ.

I won’t share all the details, but let me just say we had fun breaking down that wall together, karate chop noises and all. Afterward, we stood over the ashes of the obliterated brick and talked. It was the easiest conversation I ever had. Afterward, I recited a prayer from the book.

Next in my ritual I had planned to write each of the 18 emotions on my Buddha Board as one last visualization of watching them fade away (you write in water and as it evaporates, the words literally disappear), but I suppose God had other plans for me. I wrote something else, which I think I’d like to keep to myself (sorry!). I’m not sure if the words were His to me, mine to Him or mine to myself… I think perhaps all three. But they were the most perfect words.

Lastly in my ritual I ripped out the 18 pages from my notebook and headed outside with some lavender and a box of matches. I set the pages onto the fire pit, and sprinkled lavender on top. I thought those words would burn quickly, but I was wrong. The emotions, pain and suffering did not surrender easily. Rather each page seared and burned slowly from the corner back, one at a time as I repeated: “Dear God, I surrender these emotions to you. Please take them from me. Amen.”

I looked up, and was surprised by the number of stars burning over me. I did not head back inside until every ember burned out below me, concluding the ritual.

Marianne Williamson writes that “to spiritually surrender something is to surrender our thoughts about it. What we put on the altar is then altered.”

I literally placed my pain and suffering on the altar. I am now altered thanks to feeling empowered to create my own ritual.

 

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Sitting playfully in six inches of saltwater, a beer in one hand and a book in the other, I turned my face up to the sun, smiled and thought to myself, life is good. It was an incredible day and I was at peace.

Taking a little break from paddleboarding, not a care in the world.

That was Friday.

But Saturday found me not once, but twice, sitting in my parked car in locations nearly 70 miles apart, sobbing. There was no peace.

How quickly things change.

A year ago I’d most likely have claimed the upsetting events of Saturday ruined my entire weekend, discrediting the joy and peace of Friday and casting a shadow over Sunday. But now I know better. Nothing can touch my Friday; it can never be altered. My days have explicit boundaries now.

As for Saturday, it was all my fault. I’m not going to go into what happened here. There were so many contributing factors, but in the end, the bottom line is that I did not mentally prepare and I went into the day with expectations. I was not compassionate, or forgiving, or patient, or the person I want to be. No matter what happened, I had the power to not let it affect me so greatly, regardless of how much I was weakened by other external circumstances. That is where I failed. The person I am trying to be/want to be and the person I was/am collided in a battle royale as my thoughts duked it out. My more practiced, more powerful, defensive angry self ate my weaker, gentler self for breakfast. Part of the later upset stemmed from fear. I hadn’t felt this angry and hopeless in a long time – the darkness inside me was menacing. As my thoughts darkened, my emotions strengthened, racking my body with turbulence.

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” -Elizabeth Gilbert

Finally, the exhaustion of my eyelids from a day’s worth of squeezing tears down my cheeks got the best of me and I fell asleep, putting the day forever behind me. But not before I apologized.

Sunday the battle between old and new, negative and positive waged on with early points going to Gentle Jessica for rising early and sitting in her favorite chair with a book, and even making a healthy breakfast. Dejected Jessica made frequent appearances on the couch, mindlessly channel surfing, daydreaming of potato chips, and shedding the occasional tear.

I’d force myself up, accomplish a relatively small task, and find myself back on the couch. I used my judgement and had a guilt-free, albeit large lunch. Back to the couch. I forced myself to pull some weeds, clean out my car. Couch.

Finally, mid-afternoon in a herculean showing, I decided a hard workout at the gym was exactly what I needed. Furthermore, it would force me to shower. And if I was showered, why not go to weekly meditation group? If I was driving past Whole Foods on the way home, why not stop for some fresh produce to ensure a healthy start to the week? There was no reason why not, so I did all those things, proving to myself that I can move on; I CAN do what’s best for me.

Saturday may have gone to Dejected Jessica, but I took home the win on Sunday. Friday’s showing of bravery and athletic ability in the water, friendship, relaxation, laughter, and peace received a million points, breaking the tie.

Not every day will be good. What matters is that we value the good days and hold them in our hearts, and bounce back from the bad ones having learned a new lesson (or several). As for me, I learned that I can accept full responsibility for my actions and stop blaming others. Also, that I have the power to break the destructive cycle of giving in to misery and take steps to do what is best for me. I wouldn’t know these two things right now if I wasn’t given the opportunity to discover them.

Last week I confessed I am an emotional over-eater. The support and understanding I received after that post was inspiring and heartwarming, and I thank you all. Some of you shared your struggles with me privately and although it saddens me to know so many of us are suffering, I also find it encouraging: we know we’re not alone and we’re talking about it.

Admitting you’re powerless over a problem is the first step in commonly known 12-step programs. For many people, food is just as addictive as alcohol or narcotics. You may not understand this or believe this could be possible, but it’s true. That’s why programs like Over-eaters Anonymous (O.A.) exist. And remember, we all need food to survive. An alcoholic can stop drinking. A drug addict can stop taking drugs and detox. A food addict cannot stop eating. They must learn to manage and live with their addiction.

I am not taking a 12-step approach to my emotional over-eating. As I mentioned earlier, I am working through the exercises in A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson. I just think there is an opportunity to practice compassion and to reserve judgement toward overweight people. An overweight person at an ice cream parlor is not that different than an alcoholic sitting at a bar. Some empathy could go a long way.

Admitting to myself I have this problem, and then admitting it publicly here, has made a tremendous difference. Two weeks ago I went for blood work to have my thyroid checked – that was the extent to which I denied my overeating. My thyroid is just fine. There was no denying it anymore. Yes, I was active. Yes, I ate right the majority of the time. But yes, when I messed up, I messed up big, and that was why I couldn’t lose weight.

So now that I finally know this, and you know this, I can get to work on fixing it! I am finding that most often any lesson in anything can be applied to various areas of life so please, don’t stop reading just because you may not be an emotional eater. Surely, the following exercise can benefit all.

“The weight on your mind, and thus on your body, is the weight of your own emotional shadows that have not yet had a light shone on them. They might be unprocessed feelings, negative thoughts, or fear-based attitudes and personality traits.”

Our systems are built to process waste; that includes emotionally and mentally. But when we hang on to excess emotional baggage, we do not allow it to dissolve. We all have unprocessed emotions, but we all express it in different ways: over-eating, drinking, violent outbursts… “The form of dysfunction is not particularly relevant; what matters is that we address the unprocessed suffering behind it.” 

That involves a willingness to be real and honest with yourself about emotional issues, and then a willingness to release them.

On a journal, I wrote various emotions in thick marker on the top of each page: GUILT; ABANDONMENT; FEAR; JUDGEMENT; BURDEN; 18 words in all.

I got to work writing down my experiences that are true for me, those that have resulted in these negative emotions.

Don’t go unconscious! With each paroxysm of shame, my instinct was to try to shake the memories from my mind, those that make me wish I could go back in time and not do whatever shameful or embarrassing thing that I did at age 10, 15, 20, 25, etc. Those things that still have the power to make me cringe and seek cover under a blanket.

But I didn’t shake them off. I forced myself to remember and then found words to convey the harsh realities, articulating that which was never said out loud, let alone written on paper. Flipping from page to page, emotion to emotion, forwards and backwards as thoughts occurred to me, the most unexpected thing was that it became easier as more truths poured from my hand.

I felt lighter.

Now that I have this notebook full of my deepest, darkest emotions, fears, judgements and most shameful and embarrassing moments (I hid this thing like it was MY JOB), it is time to release it all. I am going to offer it up and away, ask for all these emotions to be taken from me, ask for forgiveness, and do some forgiving myself.

I am going to sit with my notebook a few more days, making sure I’ve captured everything as I also finalize plans for my release ritual. I feel that this act is worthy of a special ceremony. Everything that has happened to me has shaped me. I want to properly acknowledge all of it, properly express gratitude where appropriate, and properly say goodbye… to the shame, to the people who hurt me, to my guilt over things long gone, to my thoughts that I am inferior, to my judgements, to all the stories in my head associated with those 18 words.

These sorts of release rituals are not unheard of. Writing on balloons and releasing them in celebratory fashion is a common one. Shredding the pages of my notebook will not be enough. This is an exercise in letting go. I want something final. I only want to do this once. I want something worthy of my lifetime so far.

I am excited. I am ready.

If emotions are weighing you down: guilt, burden, unforgiveness of someone who hurt you, then do this exercise with me. What do the bricks around you say? Write it down. Get it of your head and out of your heart.

And then let it go. Let’s all our souls become lighter, together.

This image has been taped to the wall above my desk for over a year. These words have brought me comfort; easing me away from anxiety. I have kept faith in the belief that things happen when they are meant to, even when I was feeling stuck, and afraid of what becoming unstuck would mean. Sometimes that belief was desperate – I needed it to be true; needed to believe the Universe would intervene – even though I simultaneously feared how it would happen.

I believe those words more now than ever. The Universe has been working its magic in my life, speaking louder and louder until finally something that needed to happen, happened, and I knew in my heart it was the right time and the right way.

This personal thing that happened came yesterday, on the eve of the new moon, which some believe is a magical time of beginnings. The time felt right to practice new moon intention setting, something I first learned about practicing yoga. In some ways this is no different than choosing to make a change on the first of the month – it is a logical and deliberate place to begin. But by setting intentions and conducting some sort of ritual, be it simple or complex, with the start of the new moon, you can add a little bit of magic to the experience. Hopefully, you will see your intentions come to life and take shape in sync with the moon, culminating with its fullness when you can assess your intentions.

Last night I wrote down my intentions for this new moon, my moon, since I am a Gemini. I have these to focus on and devote my energy to during this moon cycle. Although this may sound new-age or a little too “mystic” for your taste, this is a next step for me on my journey, something I am willing to try to keep me focused. Marianne Williamson explains it best in A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever when she says:

“Spiritual growth is a fascinating process when you allow it to be. It is an inner journey from one insight to another, in which helpful realizations fall into place as you are ready to receive them.”

The timing feels right to set these intentions and face things I have been afraid to face, in an effort to release myself from them, and move forward.

If you are feeling stuck, I ask that you put faith in time or at least believe that what needs to happen will eventually happen. It may be cliche, but sayings only become cliche because they are said so often, meaning many people believe in the words:

Everything happens for a reason.

I do not claim to know the reasons. But I do trust the process… and the timing.