Earlier this year I started downsizing my possessions. I purged my home of 902 items over two months playing The Minimalists minimalist game. It was a great experience, which you can read about here. I thought I had rid my home of everything expendable. But considering I just sent over 100 articles of clothing off to charity this morning, I realize I was wrong. That is thanks to the KonMari method of minimizing.

I had heard about Marie Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, but didn’t read it. I was the Minimalist Master! I didn’t need any help. But then my good friend, Kathy started reading and raving about it.

“I did the whole minimalism thing. I’m good,” I said.

“This is different,” she said.

If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know by now that Kathy knows what she’s talking about. So I bought the book.

Different, indeed! Expanding on the minimalist game, I decided to tackle purging yet again asking the question at the center of the KonMari method from the book: does this bring me joy?

The question never occurred to me. Looking around my bedroom, I realized I was surrounded by things that didn’t bring me joy. How could I ever hope to be happy?

Addressing Clothes that Don’t Fit

Following the KonMari method, you begin with clothing because it’s supposed to be easiest.

For me, getting dressed is incredibly frustrating. So much that there were times I canceled plans, rather than continue fighting with what to wear. Many mornings have been ruined and I’d wind up in tears, barraging myself with insults. Sounds sane and peaceful, right? This is because 75% of my clothes don’t fit me. Yes. I did the math. I refuse to accept my size the way it is right now (and has been for two years) so I only buy clothing that is absolutely necessary and instead choose to squeeze into things, and surround myself with clothes that simply do not fit no matter how much I suck in my belly. Is it any wonder I often don’t feel good about myself?

In a wonderful act of serendipitous timing, Kathy asked to spend the night since we had a work event early the next morning. We had been watching YouTube videos on vertical folding (you really want to start folding your clothes this way), so I asked if we could get some practice in while tackling my t-shirt/shirt drawer. We were probably more excited than most people should be to sort and fold clothes, but then again that is the magic of this method.

I explained to Kathy all about the clothes that don’t fit, a problem not mentioned in the book, so we had to improvise. “Put everything that sparks joy, but doesn’t fit, in a pile. We need to put them all away elsewhere,” she said.

“But won’t it be more motivating to see all the shirts that don’t fit?”  I asked.

“No, I don’t think so. You need to see all you really have and sit with that,” she said. Sitting with things has been a consistent message that pertains to more than just clothing.

We got to work. When we had finished, I looked at the mountain of shirts that didn’t fit, and then the tiny pile that did.

“That’s nothing!” I said, giving the tiny pile a shove. “I have no clothes now!” I shouted, frustrated.

“Sweetie, it’s all you had access to anyway.”

She was absolutely right.

Addressing the Emotions we Assign to our Clothes

Sorting and getting rid of clothes is an emotional process. I couldn’t have done it without Kathy. She asked the tough questions and reminded me to express gratitude. Holding every single shirt in my hands, I’d sigh at times and say, “I loved this shirt. But I don’t think it’s who I am anymore.”

“Then thank it for the good times you had in it and send it on its way.”

“Now this shirt! I had an amazing night in this shirt. I can’t possibly get rid of this,” I’d say.

“Does the memory exist without the shirt? Does getting rid of the shirt mean it didn’t happen?”

I confessed there were a lot more clothes already stored in my basement that didn’t fit. “Bring them up!” she said, excitedly. We were on a roll.

Most people’s hiking packs contain a tent, sleeping pad, pots, etc. Mine contains 50 plus pounds of clothing that is too small for me. I should strap it to my back and hike until they fit.

I took out each and every item. “You know I just did this in February, right?” I had gotten rid of so much stuff that was either out of style or didn’t suit me anymore during the minimalism challenge. But that’s why the KonMari method is so great – it takes minimalism and purging to a deeper level. Holding each article in my hands I asked if it sparked joy. So many pieces didn’t. I found that many simply represented someone I wanted to be. Not just a thin woman, but someone who wore flowing sun dresses on the beach. And again, this is why I suggest you have a dear friend’s help.

“Sweetie, you can lose weight, but your body will never be the shape required to wear that, just like I will never be able to wear maxi dresses.” (Kathy is quite short.)

Wordlessly, I’d toss her item after item to add to the goodwill bag.

Vertically Folding all that Remained

Finally came time for the fun part – vertical folding! No, I’m not crazy – folding can be fun (we discovered)! No more stacking shirts. Now everything is folded, finding the sweet spot where it stands on its edge on its own, so I can see everything, just like the spines of books on a bookshelf. It’s been so good for me to open a drawer that used to overwhelm me and now only find the options I have access to.

There was enough room to combine long and short sleeved shirts!

I tackled more drawers on my own since Kathy was over. My jeans drawer was crammed with over a dozen pairs. Guess how many I can currently wear? Three. I went through the remaining jeans and packed them away with the other clothes that bring me joy, but don’t fit. I then tackled my pants/shorts drawer. Once discarding and packing away what doesn’t fit, I realized I didn’t need two separate drawers. This is now my pants/jeans/shorts drawer containing three pairs of jeans, one pair of shorts, and two pairs of pants that don’t require a hanger.

So much room! If only my waistline could say the same.

I’m trying! You can tell by this collection of workout clothes!

Final Thoughts on the KonMari Method

I am convinced. If you think you don’t have enough room, you really just have too much stuff. Ask yourself, really, does this (insert any object here) bring me joy?

For some people, parting with inherited items, collectibles or mementos will be the hardest part. For Kathy, it was her son’s baby things. For me, it was clothes. This isn’t just about getting rid of things or tidying. It is about shedding that which no longer serves you or holds you back or maybe even keeps you from accepting who you are.

“The space in which we live should be for the person we are becoming now,” Kondo writes. “Letting go is even more important than adding.”

For the first time in my adult life, getting dressed is not an upsetting obstacle. Everything I see fits me and brings me joy. Today I wore a dress I haven’t worn in 15 months, patterned hose, heels and lipstick. I have been getting compliments all day long and I feel good about myself.

This is all part of the journey to a simpler, happier life and I am telling you, this step was magical. I highly recommend you pick up this incredibly appropriately named book, because it really is life-changing.

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Today is my birthday.

I have been thinking a lot about what I want my 33rd year to look like. I have also been thinking a lot about what I want today to look like. I’ve had lots of ideas, but made no set plans.

A few days ago I went to Grounds for Sculpture. The weather was absolute perfection. I spent a lot of time walking the manicured grounds, listening to leaves rustling in the breeze and feeling the wind and sun on my face. There is a not-so-secret little garden that I knew contained a hammock. There in the shrubbery and bamboo was a single door. I entered and was surprised to find that the door locked from the inside. I turned the lock, walked the footpath over to the hammock and laid down, hidden from the world behind living walls. I watched the clouds. I thought about the year ahead and my goals. It was frustrating because all I could think about was that moment and how much I enjoyed just laying there.

I didn’t know the point of this post until I wrote that last sentence. The past few days I have felt unsettled and it was because today was approaching and I didn’t have concrete plans in place and set goals laid down. Maybe I’m just meant to enjoy today…

Laying on a hill at Grounds for Sculpture

I want to be outside. I know this much. I set up my hammock in my backyard. The sun is out and the weather is perfect. I feel no need to recap my 32nd year. I am more aware of my life and the good and bad in it than ever. I feel no need to plan out what I want the year ahead to look like because I have my 2015 goals in place and after 32 years, I know it doesn’t really matter anyway. Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans. I love that expression. Maybe after all this time, I am finally learning how to live a more flexible life? I don’t know…

I do know that if today were to be my last day on earth, I could die with this having been my view:

A birthday view from my hammock

Today, and every future day, is what we make of it.  After a rough start, I have the power to turn it around. Byron Katie says that we have the power to be happy under any circumstances. It is so hard, but she is so right. I have cried twice so far today because I have relied on others for birthday joy and allowed them to disappoint me. Maybe it is time I gave myself a birthday gift. Maybe I need to go look at myself in the mirror, wish myself a great big “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” and go feel the sun and wind on my face.

I think I’ll do that. After all, today is my day and I have the power to make it a good one.

Last May I was reading for pleasure for the first time in ages. The book, Kook: What Surfing Taught Me About Love, Life, and Catching the Perfect Wave was a graduation gift from a friend who knew I wanted to spend the summer surfing. The story took place mostly in Baja. While still reading it, I was having a meeting with Reading Glasses co-editor, Amy Holiday, who said she hoped we could wrap up the project before she went to Baja the following autumn.

“Baja! Wow, what a coincidence. I am reading a book that takes place in Baja right now. Who are you going with?”

Amy wasn’t going with anyone, so she invited me. I could hardly believe it. I asked if she was absolutely certain at least a dozen times and then dragged her out to my garage where I asked my husband, Mike if I could go, pulling that famous of kid tricks of asking your parents permission in front of your friend to increase the likelihood of a yes response. Amy’s presence or not, there was no denying my excitement that the Universe was in line and I was meant to go surfing in Baja! Mike gave me the go ahead and I bought my airfare the next morning.

I was finally going to see the Pacific. I was going to Baja. It was a sign that this really was the summer of surfing. The experience belt was getting another notch! My dreams of travel were being realized. I daydreamed about it for the rest of the summer.

Then, on September 15, Hurricane Odile ravaged the Baja Peninsula. The resort we were to stay in the following month was damaged and our reservation was canceled. I was crushed, but there was no denying that it just wasn’t the right time…

When it came time to adjust my airfare, the resort still hadn’t reopened and Amy couldn’t reach anyone about rescheduling. I had ten days to change my airfare or forfeit the $600 credit, and I had no idea where or when to go. I had to go somewhere by June 1, a year from the day I purchased the tickets. Reluctantly I changed my international airfare for the most domestic (and safest) location I could think of with no set plans or confirmed travel companion: Florida.

All the long winter, sunny Florida remained on the horizon, an uncertain trip in my future that gave me anxiety and slight heartache whenever it crossed my mind. The timing was bad for my husband to join me and I could think of few things more depressing than going to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter alone. It’s just money, I convinced myself. So I decided to forfeit the airfare credit and go somewhere where being alone made sense and wouldn’t be depressing. I decided I would go on an R&R retreat at Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health in Western Massachusetts, my own little adventure and birthday treat.

And yet it never moved past the idea phase. A little over a week ago I realized I needed to get a move on with these plans. I still hadn’t canceled my flight or booked my retreat. I began second guessing everything. Manhattan, the shore, Vermont… What did I want to do? Where did I want to go? I had my first week’s vacation in well over a year coming up and I had no idea what to do with it, and I was still torn about throwing away $600 worth of airfare. I even looked into flying to the retreat just so I wouldn’t waste it, but transportation from Albany airport was impractical.

The June 1 deadline was breathing down my neck. Wherever I went, I had to go soon and decide fast. Laying on the floor, irritated by my dilemma, staring at the ceiling and talking out loud, my husband interjected. “Why don’t you go see your brother?” I sat up, squinting as my brain processed this idea.

“That’s brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that?” Within 48 hours I changed my airfare for the third time in almost exactly one year. I would go to Colorado and visit my brother, Joey, who was surprised and excited to have me. We would have our own adventure and I would get to see new things and I wouldn’t be alone. It was a win all around. I leave this Friday.

This trip was a year in the making, and involved a lot of uncertainty and a total lack of enthusiasm. Now, things are certain and I am excited. When I explained my plans to my friend, Kathy who knew how much this had all been bothering me, she smiled. “You had to sit with it for a while,” she said. And I was reminded that things happen when they are meant to, and some stories take a long time to develop.

I thought the Universe had given me a crystal clear sign with Baja, but the longer I sat with it, the more it shifted and evolved. It’s like when someone smiles at you, and that first impression is wonderful, but then they sit near you and you realize they smell bad and the spell is broken. You want to get up and leave, go sit somewhere else. But then they explain they were helping a stranded baby seal and can’t wait to take a shower, so your opinion changes again.

I will get to Baja when the time is right. Or maybe I’m meant to go to Bali instead… The Wizarding World of Harry Potter will still be there next year. Right now, it’s time to go see my brother. I would not be going if it wasn’t for this cancelled trip to Baja and who knows how many more years would have gone by before I’d see him. If everything does in fact happen for a reason, then all is right in the Universe.

I just needed to sit with it all long enough to hear the rest of the story.

I don’t believe that people can change. A sapling doesn’t change into a tree; it grows into a tree if cared for properly. If not, its growth is stunted. Rather than changing, I believe we grow into ourselves; like a sapling into a strong tree, becoming more what we were born to be, as we care for ourselves and reach our true potential.

I am growing. I feel it in my limbs. There are all these little amazing things, so small no one else would notice, that I am feeling, observing, and that are happening. Like a tree at the very beginning of spring, tiny specks of growth are budding everywhere.

Although people can’t change, they have the power to change their stories. Heatherash Amara writes in Warrior Goddess Training that transformation starts with how we use our words – how we speak our story to ourselves and others.

“Each word we choose can hold the vibration of healing, peace, and love, or be brimming with fear, victimization, and judgment.”

I am going to tell you a very personal story that I have been telling myself for a very long time:

Your dad doesn’t love you. He is ashamed of you, even though he knows hardly anything about you, and he doesn’t care to get to know you. He doesn’t talk about you and he rarely thinks about you. Seeing him brings nothing to your life but a week of heartache and tears. There are two people in the world who are more or less obligated to love you, and there must be something wrong with you if your father doesn’t.

It’s a sad story. It’s made me cry hundreds of times, and has made me feel great sorrow for the little girl in the story who grew up without a father’s love never feeling like a princess and that she was the most important little girl in the whole world; without that one man who would do absolutely anything for her that she could always count on.

A little over three years ago I decided not to speak to my dad anymore. I did it for me, to spare me from additional hurt and disappointment. It was a good choice at the time. I didn’t have any other tools at my disposal.

But now I do.

I saw my dad for the second time in three years last week. I knew in advance that I might see him. The second the thought occurred to me, it was gone. No trepidation, no anxiety, nothing at all. It wasn’t until I saw the back of his head that I remembered I might see him. Oh, there he is, I thought.

Once we met up, I observed and interacted with him, calm and composed. Nothing he said upset me, except his own self-deprecating humor – it was sad. I gave him a hug goodbye, and went on my way. Be it maturity, new tools, compassion or something else… it was that afternoon that my story began to re-write itself. I realized that he couldn’t hurt me anymore. It was my own attachments to my own idea of what a father/daughter relationship should be that had been hurting me for nearly 30 years. I thought that by not having his doting love, there was a part of me that didn’t grow right, that I would forever be a member of the Daddy Issues club, that I was left with a twisted, rotted limb that dangled dangerously in the wind and I’d never be whole or beautiful.

Later that night, I received a text message from my dad about a surfing movie he had watched and thought I would enjoy. One thing my dad does know about me is my passion for surfing and love of the ocean. He did think of me…

Since seeing my dad, new growth has formed and new words have graced the pages of the previous story. I have decided to let go of my expectations once again and work on accepting my dad for who he is and our relationship for what it is, not what I wished it would be, even if it means talking once a year instead of not at all.

I am going to rewrite the story. The next chapter will begin with a phone call to my dad, inviting him to dinner.

Life is a lot like yoga; one long pose. In yoga, it is very important to check in with yourself. Are you aligned properly? Are you breathing? Can you reach a little further, or should you pull back? Is your forehead furrowed? Are you smiling?

Nearly 20% into 2015, I think it is a good time to check in and make adjustments. There is still so much time for corrections to be made. And on the other hand, enough time has passed that maybe you need to take a moment to smile at your accomplishments.

Going back to my New Year post, the following were my goals for 2015:

I am going to continue on this journey, learning and growing, wherever it takes me. This includes practicing compassion, bravery, opening my heart, letting go, living in the moment, and ultimately working toward being a gentler, happier and more peaceful woman.

I live and breathe this goal. If I had a personal mission statement, this would be it. It is also almost impossible to gauge in terms of failure and successes. I can only say with 100% truth that I am learning, in every way imaginable. After cracking the nut on my suffering, I often feel fragile. I am seeing more, feeling more, contemplating more. I have literally opened myself up to this. Gone are the days of denial and ignorance and blind acceptance. Some days I feel really sad; understanding can be heart-breaking. But I rather feel this, and everything else I am feeling, than go back to how I felt last year.

Every night I am going to write down my single happiest moment of the day and drop it into my Happiness Jar in order to practice living in the moment, self-awareness, and also so that I do not forget these amazing moments.

Although there were days that I needed to get caught up, I am happy to report that my happiest moment of every day so far in 2015 is on a folded up piece of paper in my happiness jar. It is comforting. It helps me practice living more consciously, and to be more appreciative of my daily gifts. There have been a few days, like yesterday unfortunately, where I felt certain that I experienced not one happy moment. From start to finish it was just one of those days filled with struggle and heartache. But I got through it. Simply reminding myself that my success rate for getting through terrible, no good, very bad days is still 100% helped. That thought brought me a little bit of peace and made its way onto a scrap of paper. I also have Cooper’s enthusiastic greeting to fall back on, something that always warms my heart. The happiness jar was a wonderful decision.

I am going to practice yoga and meditation more consistently.

I have certainly practiced more this year than last. Certainly room for more practice, though. I do love it very much. The positive effects of both are instantaneous.

I am going to lose weight! The goal is 56 pounds. I am also going to STOP counting calories. I have been doing it for five years and have gained weight. It clearly is no longer working. Time to let go of the wall, trust my knowledge, and stop obsessing over food.

I have lost 8 pounds so far this year. Is that where I wanted to be by now? No, not at all.

It has been one of the coldest February’s in New Jersey on record, making getting out of bed at 5:00 am for the gym more difficult than usual. I was also sick for a third of the month. Are these excuses? Yes, absolutely. The word “excuse” in this context has a very negative connotation. I hate excuses. I’m sort of a no-excuse, no nonsense kind of woman. It doesn’t mean though that there isn’t some validity in my excuses. I am practicing being more loving and gentle to not only others, but myself. That being said, yes, it was cold, and yes, I was sick, but I could have done better. And although I could have done better, I am still proud of myself for losing 8 pounds, because that should not be diminished. So I will use “excuse” in its other context too and say: I acknowledge that I did the best I could and excuse myself for not having achieved more weight loss so far this year. I will try harder the remaining months of the year.

I am going to quit smoking cigarettes once and for all! This habit is not in line whatsoever with the person I want to be.

On 12/31/14, I was a smoker. It was also the last day I was a smoker. I haven’t touched a cigarette in any way, shape, or form since 2014, and even if this turns out to be my only achievement this year, I could live with that because this is an enormous, life-changing victory. I never loved myself much, and that makes me sad. But quitting smoking has been an act of pure love; it has nothing to do with anyone, but me, and what I decided to do for me. I like the way it feels and I know my future me’s eyes are watering with pride and gratitude looking at present me.

I love you, too, future me.

Submit three stories, essays, etc. to professional publications.

Wrapping up a freelance editing job, then working on my first article.

Tighten/re-evaluate my finances and spending – live more frugally.

This was my goal, and quite fortuitously, the Minimalism Game just reinforced it and took it a step further. I played all of January and February and tossed/recycled/donated/sold a grand total of 902 items! You can read more about my experience here.

Minimalism and frugality go hand in hand and tossing so many items helped me become much more choosy about what I spend my money on and bring into my house. I am doing very well living within my means, thank you very much.

This is where I’m at and I’m good with it. I feel no need to remove a goal or add another one at this time. Life has recently thrown me a few more challenges and I need to listen to my body. Yin Yoga has taught me a lot about extending just enough. In yin yoga, you hold poses for five minutes, with the goal being to deepen into each posture over time. Start out too strong and you will experience pain and need to ease off. You want to ease into the posture, opening your joints slowly, only taking on more when you’re ready.

If you feel ready to deepen into the posture known as life, please know that you don’t have to wait for a new year, a new month, new week or even a new day to make goals or self-correct. You can quit smoking right this moment, you can start a happiness jar today, you can [insert any of 10 million possible goals here].

Whatever your goals may be, just remember to check in with yourself, and to make adjustments where necessary.

I thrive when I accomplish lots of little things every day and pro-actively work toward my goals. I am at my best when I am exercising regularly, eating right, organized and prepared, and my house is neat. I feel good physically and mentally; my days are full, long and productive. I could remove trash from all the oceans with a pool skimmer, given the time and resources.

I had been on a fairly consistent roll for 2015, until I hit my first heavy hurdle that appeared in the form of a nine day sickness. I fought valiantly, but was defeated, and left laid out exhausted with sinus pain that made the simple act of seeing difficult.

In the big scheme of things, this is a small hurdle, I know. Hurdles come in all shapes, sizes and durations, but they are all setbacks and have the potential to cause us to slow down, back up, trip, or severely fall. Getting up again after a hurdle can be really challenging because while you’re holding your skinned knee, eyes clenched, whistling through your teeth in pain, a mountain grows in front of you. All the tasks, e-mails, looming deadlines, laundry, mess, missed workouts and unhealthy convenience foods create a ball that rolls through the days you’re sitting on the bench. It grows bigger, attracting every single thing you wanted to do, but didn’t, until this giant ball of crap blocks out the sun and a shadow falls over you and you feel defeated, not even knowing where to begin to climb this thing so you just walk away, shoulders slumped.

Sound familiar? Broken hearts, sicknesses, losses, failures, arguments, injuries, stresses – all hurdles that destroy momentum, all with the power to form mountains.

After nine days of sickness, fortunately there was no mountain, but a hill for me to climb. Damnit, I thought to myself, I had been doing so well! It was after that thought that I realized that getting sick was no failure on my part. Even if it was, big deal, shit happens. I realized the first step up the hill was to forgive myself for its creation. My hill formed because I was sick, and taking care of ME, saying “no” to commitments and people, which has always been hard for me, taking Nyquil at 7:00 pm and going to bed; putting ME and my well-being first, so I could recuperate as fast as possible.

I think this is where most of us fail. We allow guilt and defeat to bury us after our setbacks. Forgive yourself. It’s not like you tripped walking in a straight line. You tripped taking on a hurdle, and they can be pretty damn high! At least you were in the race!

After you forgive yourself, try to set time aside to start working on getting caught up. Go grocery shopping, get a workout in even if all you do is walk on the treadmill, commit to tasks in 45 minute chunks and switch the laundry in between each one. Start small, and most importantly, be patient and gentle with yourself. You may not be as strong or as energetic as you were before you stumbled. That’s okay – you got to that point once and you can get there again.

This is exactly what I’m doing, being mindful not to overdo it or put too much pressure on myself. I tackled a few things and am still getting caught up. I understand it will most likely take the rest of the week to get there.

Mountains are only looming when you’re looking up at them from a distance. Once you’re on one, you see there is a clearly marked trail to follow and you can no longer see how high it is. Before you know it, you’ve covered great distance.

When I started out the new year, minimizing possessions was not among my list of new year resolutions, nor was the arduous task of cleaning out my house even on my radar. It was sheer happenstance that in early January my friend, Amy shared information about The Minimalists minimalist game (#minsgame) and asked if anyone wanted to play. The rules were simple. For every day of the month, you get rid of that corresponding number of items by means of the trash, recycling, donating or selling. So on the third, you’d get rid of three things, on the 16th, sixteen things, etc. Without hesitation I expressed my interest. In fact, there was so much excitement we didn’t even wait for a new month. We started on January 8 with eight things, posting photos of our discard piles in a Facebook event we created for the challenge.

The Difference Between Cleaning & Cleaning Out

Let me explain that I’m no hoarder, and no stranger to cleaning out closets and drawers. I consider myself organized and neat. I dislike shopping so I tend to buy a lot at one time two to three times a year; new makeup, clothes, and several pairs of shoes. Whenever I do this, I clean out the make-up drawer, closets, and toss worn out shoes. In fact, last fall when I finally found myself with some free time, it was quite therapeutic for me to do a massive cleaning, especially of my home office. With the stress of the past few years, it had accumulated a lot of negative energy and debris from former projects. I cleaned it all, and even set up a little reading corner. I thought I had gotten rid of a lot and felt much better in the space. I’d soon learn the tremendous difference between cleaning and cleaning out.

When things are clean, everything is in its place, so there is little reason to question some thing’s existence. Usually, cleaning out happens when faced with a shortage of room. The t-shirt drawer won’t close? Probably a good time to go through it and free up some space. I think this is precisely the reason why I still had over twenty VHS tapes in a cabinet in my living room even though I don’t own a VCR – I didn’t need the real estate. Well, now that cabinet is virtually empty and I have nothing to fill it with. I’m perfectly okay with that. I created space. Little did I know I was also creating space in my life.

Questioning Something’s Purpose

As the challenge wore on, hunting for items to meet my quota, I learned how to question an items purpose and existence. I revisited areas of my house that I had only months ago cleaned out. I pondered over things, questioning my attachment to them, the root of it, the reality of whether or not it would serve me. Why did I still have those beat up Vans sneakers? Sure, I would never wear them again, but they weren’t hurting anyone sitting on the top shelf in my closet. Were they a happy memory or a subtle painful reminder of a former life? Those awesome pants four sizes smaller than I currently am… an inspiration? Or a taunt, mocking me from their hanger, one more thing to push aside as I rifle through my closet? That knick knack from a former friend; was it there for sentimental reasons or due to some false obligation? Regardless, the sight of it made me feel bad, but for such a brief moment that I never thought until now to get rid of it. While discarding items that prevented me from living in the present, I realized that inside my brain I was tucking away and shredding files I no longer needed, creating space in my mind, and in my life, to live more positively.

As for my office, half-way through the challenge I realized the true potential for the space. My books, my wonderful friends; trophies in a way… If a book no longer lives on a shelf, does it mean it was never read? No. I kept only my favorites and those that met a select criteria. By the time I was finished in my office, I had actually gotten rid of pieces of bookshelf, maximizing the use of the remaining furniture and eliminating all need for collapsible cubes I used to house more crap. It is now a breath of fresh air, a safe place, purged of its previous life and negative energies.

Minimizing Posessions & Letting Go

496 items later (I did go back and toss 28 things to represent Jan. 1-7), I realize this was a wonderful exercise in letting go. It became something I craved and looked forward to, leaving no room untouched; no cabinet, drawer or closet safe from my scrutiny. It was also contagious, I discovered, as my husband even joined in on the fun cleaning out his own closet and dresser drawers. Furthermore, it helped reinforce my resolution to live more frugally. I am much better now at resisting temptation and deciding if I really “need” something, or if it will just be something that gets tossed in a year. Minimalism seems to carry over into all aspects of life and it has been very fulfilling learning this newer way of thinking. Besides, less stuff means less work! Maybe having less can inspire us to be more…

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In my last post, I had mentioned that I was feeling great sadness at the hands of someone I love and wrote about how I was sending myself and them loving-kindness.

Since that post, I have learned firsthand quite a bit about cycles of negative behavior: how hard it is to break them, how hard it is to step outside and watch someone you love continue to go ‘round and ‘round, and also how it feels to finally witness the cycle you habitually participated in throughout most of your life. It feels absolutely awful.

Sometimes, opening your eyes is extremely painful.

After being hurt by this person, I realized that what I wanted most was to forgive. It was in that moment that I jammed my foot in the revolving door of my past behaviors and broke the cycle. It felt incredible. I realized that there were more options than to be angry and turn my hurt on the person who hurt me, ensuring they felt as badly as I did, ultimately evening the score and allowing for the eventual canceling out of both wrongdoings and a consequent truce. I decided instead that I would allow myself time to process my pain, create space for compassion, and come to a place of forgiveness before pushing myself to speak with this person. I didn’t want to risk falling back into the cycle I was trying to end.

I was proud of my decision and it felt good. Until with a sharp pain of manipulation on the part of the person who hurt me, I realized I hadn’t created that cycle alone. There was someone else behind the glass of that revolving door pushing hard to keep it turning against my efforts to hold it.

That’s when I learned that people don’t like their familiar cycles being toyed with.

I witnessed this person go through all the emotions of the cycle completely unprovoked and it was devastating. I experienced the attempts at manipulation, that gave way to guilt, that gave way to anger, that eventually turned to desperation, and finally exhaustion. I watched this person fight with an opponent who never showed up as I stood outside the ring in tears, fighting my own urge to jump in and scream “STOP! PLEASE!” I could barely stand the sight. But I knew the cycle had to play out. And even when horrible things were being said to me and I began to question what I had done to deserve it, I knew that I had done nothing. Nothing, except set this cycle in motion through years of participation. And I think that was the hardest thing of all.

Cracks need to happen to let the light in. Awareness hurts like hell. Waking up to the truth is hard; literally heart breaking, and I have cried more in the past two weeks than I have in a long time. I am still allowing myself time and space, although taking it worries me. I am afraid that something will happen to me or this person before things are resolved. But I also know that guilt and fear are the culprits at work behind that thought and I cannot allow fear to dictate my actions.

I’m still working it all out in my head. It is a lot to process. But I know I can only change my behavior and I can only be responsible for my own actions. My habits and behavior contributed to the creation of the cycle I was a part of. Perhaps I can slow it down for the other person as well if I continue to keep my weight against the door, no matter how much the push back hurts.

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Recently I added a new book to my current rotation, which immediately introduced me to the Law of Attraction, which I am not convinced isn’t a bunch of phooey (no, it’s not The Secret). Basically, the Law of Attraction is centered around the belief that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts, one can bring about positive or negative results. For example, if you believe and envision yourself as fat and lazy, chances are that’s exactly what you are going to be no matter how much you wish otherwise. Your thoughts attract the reality. It really makes sense. It is safe to say that there is great power in a positive attitude and we have all witnessed how detrimental a negative one can be. Where I am skeptical is the notion that I will find money or win a trip to Hawaii simply for believing and envisioning that I will. But I digress…

As I was reading about the Law of Attraction, it was suggested I look at photos of my loved ones and direct positive thoughts and energy toward them, too, which I thought was a very lovely idea. It was like giving a little, free gift, not unlike saying a prayer for someone, and it made me feel good. But rather than ask that they be watched over and blessed, I envisioned them feeling the warmth of the sun on their face, peace in their hearts, hassle-free days; things like that. At the very least, it couldn’t hurt.

A few days later, I was having a really off day. My mind was busy. I felt anxious and depressed and everything seemed unstable. I wanted comfort and distraction; to dive headfirst into the pitfalls of my bad habits and embrace my bed and sleep for twelve hours, or get a bunch of junk food and zone out to movies, numbing all the pain I was feeling in the process.

The realization of how far I have come that I was actually aware of how I was feeling shed enough light through the crack that I knew I couldn’t give in and pull the shades on the sun shining through. I practiced meditation to abate my unquiet mind and pacing body. It was a futile attempt. With nothing to focus on and being completely unable to focus on nothing, I went to a coffee shop and wrote.

The very next day, switching gears, I went back to another book I have been reading. On the very page that my bookmark casually leaned against as if waiting patiently for my return, I learned about Metta Meditation. Metta means loving-kindness, and the goal is to help you reverse your programming so you can open your heart, rather than close it. It involves four steps:

1. Send loving-kindness to yourself
2. Send loving-kindness to someone you love
3. Send loving-kindness to someone you are neutral about, like a colleague or acquaintance
4. Send loving-kindness to someone you dislike or feel resentment toward

The similarities between the two concepts couldn’t be denied and I realized the universe was speaking to me. Furthermore, I also just found a solution to my shoddy meditation practice. Rather than try to focus on nothing, I would focus all my attention on sending loving-kindness to myself and others while practicing letting go and positive thinking.

But I also sensed something was coming. The universe was preparing me.

The very next day, someone I strongly dislike really ticked me off. I was irritated and wanted to confront her although I knew it would only exacerbate things. Anger can eat at me for some time and I hated thinking such negative thoughts. Again, I was failing to be compassionate and gentle – I was closing my heart. After a short while, I remembered Metta Meditation and smiled. Thanks, universe. It was a foreign, yet incredible thing to sit and think loving-kind thoughts to someone I really can’t stand. It wasn’t even as hard as I thought it would be, because the universe had sent me another little gift that morning by means of the below photo in my Pinterest feed:

How true that is.

If only that was the end to putting knowledge into practice for one week.

Most unfortunately, over the past three days, I have quite unexpectedly felt profound disappointment and great hurt at the hands of two people I love. I have felt agonizing helplessness, as well as great sadness. With no opportunity to communicate or resolve, there was literally nothing I could say or do except feel my feelings, try to process them and allow them to close down my heart until they diminished and I would be able to let them go. That was until I remembered that I had been prepared for this. I knew what I had to do, and it involved opening my heart.

First, I sent myself loving-kindness. Then, one at a time, I sent loving-kindness to the people who hurt me. It wasn’t elaborate; there was no incense or music. These things are unnecessary and procuring them can be a form of procrastination. Right where you are this very minute you can shut the door if you’re alone, or go in the bathroom if you have to, take a deep breath, lower your eyes, and begin sending loving-kindness. Not sure what to say? Say this: I send loving-kindness to ________. My wish is that he/she experiences only love and happiness in his/her life.

I still feel sadness and disappointment, but rather than anger toward these people, I feel love. I do not wish bad things because they hurt me. I do not feel the need to convey my feelings to them nor do I desire an apology. I will simply continue to send loving-kindness, just like I did from my bed this morning when I woke up.

Being hurt, yet feeling love is incredible. Next time you are angry at yourself or someone else, I do hope you will try it. Whatever you wish to call it, you are opening your heart, and it is a wonderful thing.

Peace.

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Heatherash Amara says in “Warrior Goddess Training” that we commit to who we think we should be, rather than committing to meeting ourselves where we are. That is absolutely true in my case. As I have explained, a lot of my suffering has stemmed from my attachment to my desires and expectations; who I want myself and others to be, and finding myself often terribly disappointed. I know I’m not alone in this.

On one particularly tough day several months ago, all I wanted was a long hot soak in the tub. That’s what women do after a long, hard day, right? It sounded so relaxing. I imagined myself in my pristine tub, soaking in bubbles up to my neck, breathing in the scent of pumpkin spice, a soft gentle smile on my face as I sighed the nonsense of the day away, completely at peace.

When I got home, I headed for the bathroom and pulled back the shower curtain. Since I wasn’t expecting company, the tub definitely needed cleaning before I soaked naked inside of it. Looking down at the grime, I remembered the awkward truth that I barely even fit in my tub. I don’t even own bubble bath!

My entire image was a bullshit creation of who I thought I should be. I wouldn’t be a peaceful woman soaking elegantly in bubbles with a smile. I would just be an angry woman squeezed into a tub with a face full of discomfort and disappointment.

So instead, I got changed, put on my sneakers, and ran as fast as I could for as long as I could. And then the stresses of the day fell away and I felt better. That’s who I was that day. Learning who you are on any given day takes trial and error. I know I don’t want to be the angry person in the tub, so I’ll continue to practice being flexible and remembering that who I want to be might not be who I actually am at the time. Let’s all commit to meeting ourselves where we are.

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