It’s been just shy of a year since I’ve last written, and my weight loss journey continues. These efforts often feel like the only true constant in my life, which makes me sad. “I don’t want this to be my life’s work,” I’ve cried on more than one occasion. And yet here I am, a few months shy of my 41st birthday, still trying to lose weight.

Those of you who have been following me for some time know that I finally gave up “dieting” in 2020 and apologized for my participation in perpetuating diet culture. My weight loss journey shifted to one focused on recovery and balance — recovery from eating disorders and addictive behaviors, and balance instead of all or nothing thinking and actions. I’d be lying if I said I never wavered — I’m not immune to the promises of a good marketing team and those flashy before and after photos. But in the end, I’ve been able to stop myself (even if one time it was only because of a $1,300/month price tag on a new prescription that a friend of mine was having great success with).

I’ve had my own successes. My relationship with food and alcohol is healthier than it has ever been. And I’ve done it on my own (with the support of my amazing boyfriend.)

But I am still overweight.

Why am I writing now? Specifically because I have something to say about scales, and attachment to outcomes.

Attachment to an outcome leads to disappointment

You will find support for weighing yourself every day, once a week, once a month, once a year, never and everything in between. There is no consensus. It seems the only thing everyone agrees on is that weight fluctuates day to day, hour to hour, and we need to be mindful of this.

I came here today to tell you that if you get on a scale with any expectation, or attached to any outcome, you will most often be disappointed. Just look at this post I wrote on May 24, 2017 (my birthday)!! It’s about a girl NOT getting her birthday wish because HER BIRTHDAY WISH WAS A NUMBER ON A SCALE.

From the post:

This birthday wish has consumed me, especially these past few days as I made all my last ditch attempts to make my wish come true. That included walking 11 miles yesterday, and ending my day in a sauna. I didn’t care if the number was back up over 200 after breakfast, or even a tall glass of water. I only wanted to see 199.9 for a second, just to know it was possible.

As you can see, weighing myself has ruined many mornings. This morning, I really wanted to get on the scale, but I stopped myself. Why? Because last time I wanted to step on the scale, I felt awesome! A second later, I wanted to drive my fist through the wall. I anticipated a significant decrease. I attached myself to this thought. The reality (the outcome) was that the number disappointed me.

In that instant, I went from optimistic and excited and feeling lighter on my feet, to feeling helpless, frustrated. angry, and discouraged.

All because of a number on a scale.

Did I mention that before getting on the scale I felt awesome? I know weight fluctuates. I know I’ve been eating better. I know muscle weighs more than fat (and I’ve been working out consistently the past three weeks). But I let the number get to me.

So I promised myself I would only weigh myself the 1st, 15th, and last of the month purely because I am still a data nerd and because weight is still a valuable indicator. In between, if I am dying to measure my progress in some way, I will focus on how I feel. I have a winter coat and pair of pants that don’t fit that I can try on. (Thank goodness it’s been a mild winter here in the mid-atlantic). And yes, measuring yourself is also a good option (again, as long as you don’t attach to the outcome). I did this for years and decided it’s just easier to try on some things that don’t fit.

This very simple concept that attachment and expectation leads to suffering is universal. It applies to everything in our lives.

So I will continue doing what I’m doing: drinking less alcohol, eating cleaner, and exercising regularly and I will try to keep the hopes and expectations at bay and let be what will be.

Another year, another #minsgame. January marked the eighth time I started the year with a minimizing challenge. The rules of The Minimalists #minsgame are simple. For every day of the month, you get rid of that corresponding number of items. Toss ’em, donate ’em, or sell ’em — just get them out of your home. So on the third day of the month, you’d get rid of three things, on the 16th, sixteen things, etc. January’s 31 days total 496 items. This year, 149 items in to the challenge, I forfeited #minsgame.

7 years of minimizing

I’ve become a minimalist over the past seven years. I’ve eliminated possessions that aren’t useful or don’t bring me joy, and cut back on my commitments. I spend my money carefully and prioritize relationships and experiences over “stuff.” I have no desire to accumulate material objects that don’t serve a practical or higher purpose. My dream is to be free from the shackles of debt and the burden of clutter. I love the space it’s created not only in my home, but also in my head.

Minimalism is part of my every day life. When I buy something new it’s often replacing something that needed replacing like running sneakers, jeans or make-up. If time goes by and I haven’t used something, I question if I actually need it. I toss things during seasonal cleaning and when I reorganize closets and drawers.

After all these years, #minsgame is more of a tradition; a fun annual challenge I look forward to.

Forfeiting #Minsgame

I felt odd at first about quitting #minsgame 149 items in. If absolutely necessary, I could have “won” by scouring my apartment, but it would have been difficult, not fun. As I contemplated what else I could do without, I wondered why “winning” was important to me. I remembered the spirit of the game that turned me onto minimalism in the first place. #Minsgame appealed to my competitive nature while making minimizing fun. It provided structure and a goal. “Winning” provided a sense of accomplishment.

I no longer need that structure and goal to inspire me to declutter. I do it all year.

Why I love #Minsgame

I’ll definitely play again, I have no doubt! Right now I live alone and have a lot of time on my hands. Hopefully I’ll cohabitate again and life will get full and with it will come the detritus of a well lived life.

I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t benefit from a month playing #Minsgame. It’s especially perfect for people like my Mom who struggle under the weight of the task at hand and have physical limitations. And once you win, you’ve been minimizing for 30 days so you’ve inadvertently created a minimizing habit! The first time I played, I started again the following month — I was hooked (and had A LOT to minimize).

#Minsgame makes minimizing simple and fun.

When and where to start #Minsgame

You can start today (there is zero need to wait for a new month). Get up right now and toss one item and bask in the satisfaction of your accomplishment. Don’t know where to start? Here are some “quick wins” to motivate you and provide some momentum.

1. The fridge

I know you have some expired food in there.

2. The medicine cabinet

I know you have some expired medicine in there.

3. The junk mail pile

Recycle it!

4. The sock drawer

Toss those socks with holes and stains and missing partners. (Count each sock as one!)

5. The junk drawer

Take the whole drawer out, turn on a good show and empty that sucker out. Toss the bent paperclips, the matchbooks with a single match, the loose birthday candles, the old chopsticks and hot sauce packets, the brittle rubberbands… the junk drawer is a gold mine!

Damn, now I’m a little jealous I don’t have anything left to #mins. I could really go for a good junk drawer right now…

After nine months working remotely full time, I found myself drowning in paper. Handwritten notes, lists — so many lists — references, and sticky notes accumulated around me faster than time and mental capacity could process. But with a cluttered desk comes a cluttered mind. The added volume of email, meetings and chat messages weighed me down even more. I had lost the ability to be proactive or think past the most urgent task in front of me. Stressed and anxious, I was afraid I would drop one of the dozens of balls I struggled to keep in the air. I knew I was working harder than I should to achieve less than my workload demanded. Burned out and overwhelmed, I desperately needed a system to help me organize my work. My life raft came in the form of David Allen’s Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-free Productivity, and Microsoft OneNote.

Distributed Cognition

Lucky for me, I write shit down. I know better than to rely on my memory for ideas, reminders, and action items. Because of this, I’ve been building an external mind to capture and store information. This process of getting things out of your head and into objective, reviewable formats is referred to as “distributed cognition.” By capturing thoughts externally, you free up space in your mind for other ideas. Store thoughts in your mind and you’re likely to forget them or limit the flow of other ideas, ultimately limiting your productivity and creativity.

For example, you’ve surely needed to memorize a long number for a few moments. You repeat it in your head over and over, solely focused on this one thing. One distracting thought and boom, gone. Need to go to the grocery store? Try memorizing the five things you need and most likely there won’t be room for the thought that you’re also low on eggs. But go with an external list and your mind has the freedom to wander.

Thanks to my habit of writing everything down, I had already built a sort of external mind. Unfortunately, my external mind was a disorganized shit show of handwritten notes, lists — so many lists — references, and sticky notes. That’s where David Allen’s book, and Microsoft’s OneNote, came in and saved me.

Capturing Open Loops

Getting Things Done is an organization and productivity system. The book delves into painstaking detail at times and probably could have been shorter, but with thirty-five years of experience as a management consultant and executive coach, Allen knows his stuff. I took what I wanted from the book and left what I didn’t.

The first tactic I implemented that immediately paid dividends when it came to my productivity and reducing my stress was capturing my “open loops.” Allen defines open loops as “anything pulling at your attention that doesn’t belong where it is, the way it is.” Open loops are the thoughts that leap out at you at seemingly random times when you’re least likely to be able to act on them. Everything from planning a vacation, emailing an agenda in advance of tomorrow’s meeting, or picking up milk.

Not capturing these thoughts, to-dos, actions, etc. is like going to bed without an alarm clock. You spring up in the middle of the night afraid you overslept and have little peace of mind. That is precisely what was happening to me, but with work thoughts.

So I set to capture every “open loop” from my mind, scrap of paper or lingering list with Allen’s instruction. The more I captured, the more open loops sprang to mind (a benefit of distributed cognition) and the more confident I felt that tasks wouldn’t fall through the cracks. Already, I felt more in control of what I needed and wanted to do.

I created another document to capture meeting notes after experiencing the benefit of keeping notes electronically. I could keep everything together (in a searchable format) rather than shuffling through notebooks to find that note containing what that guy said in that meeting two (or was it three) weeks ago.

Do you know about OneNote?

I can’t be the only person who didn’t know about Microsoft OneNote. I only “discovered” OneNote late last year and it’s changed my life. In case you’re uninitiated like I was, it’s a digital note taking app where you can create digital notebooks and add sections to the notebooks, then pages to the sections. So long, Word docs! I keep everything in OneNote. I have a work account where I keep a master work notebook and a personal account where I have notebooks on everything from this website to ideas for my Youtube channel, Big Appetite. Small Kitchen., ideas, goals, etc.  It also syncs to all my devices so I can access my notebooks anytime, anywhere as long as I can access my Microsoft account.

Next Actions

Once I formed the habit of capturing open loops and started using OneNote, the quality of my life improved. I’m serious. Despite being an organized, high-performing person, I was wasting a lot of time struggling to get organized, and causing myself a lot of unnecessary stress.

David Allen goes into great detail regarding what to do with open loops once they’re all captured; specifically, how to determine your next actions. According to Allen, the next action is the most immediate physical, visible activity required to move a task or project toward closure. It cannot depend on any other action. For example, if you have an open loop to talk with your child’s teacher, then the next action is most likely to email them and ask to meet.

This way of thinking about immediate next actions has helped me to move so much forward. Often my tasks and projects (personal and professional) are large and feel overwhelming. I sometimes don’t know where to begin. Getting in the habit of identifying immediate next actions has increased my productivity and decreased that sense of dread, and therefore procrastination (which we all know compounds stress and anxiety).

Staying Organized

At the end of any given day I may still find myself with pages of handwritten notes and dozens of unread emails. Staying organized requires proactivity. I take the time to transcribe notes into OneNote and am vigilant about the cleanliness of my inbox. Otherwsie, I can end up right back where I was — disorganized and stressed.

Now, having captured my open loops and updated my master next actions list, I am able to shut down my computer at the end of the day with peace of mind. No more waking in the middle of the night in a panic. No more starting my day with anxiety because I have no idea where to begin. It is a beautiful thing and one more lesson I learned to help me achieve a simpler, happier, more peaceful life.

Poor 2020. You got a really, really bad wrap. I can’t say it isn’t deserved with all you’ve brought us:

• Sickness and death
• Never-ending politics and divisiveness
• Quarantine and isolation
• Job and financial insecurity

Those are only a few of the horrible things we endured as a collective throughout 2020.

And yet, I am refusing to renounce 2020.

Looking Toward 2020

Looking back at last year’s annual end of year reflection, I was so excited for 2020. I had seven trips planned, including my first trip to Europe and my first visit to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I also wrote that as a result of my eating disorder recovery, I felt “lighter… hopeful,” as I looked to the year ahead. After spending the majority of my adult life obsessed with food and weight, my recovery would create mental space for other pursuits in 2020.

I had no idea what those pursuits would be at the time…

Living in 2020

I didn’t get to go on a single one of those trips.

But I was right about gaining some mental space. Not obsessing over food and weight loss gave me clarity around other aspects of my life, particularly how lonely and unhappy I felt in my marriage. I left my husband in May and moved to an apartment. I chose to live alone rather than stay with someone who made me feel alone.

2020 would teach many of us a great deal about loneliness. About how to occupy ourselves. About how to care for ourselves when we have nowhere to go and no one to see. Honestly, I’m still figuring out how to live and work alone.

Given the pandemic and the giant leap I took in leaving my home and husband, I took the rest of the year off from goals and decided to just do my best. Early on my best was crying less than five times a day and brushing my teeth at some point before noon. I binged and purged at times. I started smoking here and there after nearly four years without a single cigarette. I blacked out from alcohol.

Surviving 2020

Over time, my best got better as I learned to cope. All of our bests got better. We are a resilient bunch and we adapt.

As bad as it was at times, I refuse to renounce 2020. That’s because 2020 was also good to me.

Despite the sickness and death, me and my loved ones remained healthy.

Despite the politics and divisiveness, the majority of people voted for a return to decency.

Despite the quarantine and isolation, I experienced friendship, companionship, and love.

Despite job and financial insecurity, I have worked and been able to save money.

Despite the sorrow and uncertainty, I have survived.

Looking Toward 2021

There isn’t a single person who could have predicted what would come in 2020, so how much should we plan for 2021?

I have some ideas of what I’d like to do and accomplish in 2021, including a rescheduled trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I’ve written down goals, as I always do. But among all that 2020 has taught us, we’ve also learned that nothing is guaranteed. Plans, and life, can change on a dime.

So I will remain open. I will continue improving on my best as I get better at living this new life of mine in a much changed world.

As the clock ticked down on not only another year, but an entire decade, I wondered when and if inspiration to write would strike. Thankfully, my desire and tradition to chronicle yet another new year with a post both reflective and anticipatory brought me home to this blog and myself.

Where have I been all year?

Truth be told, I have been working a challenging job and sinking deeply in to an eating disorder. Yes, when the 365 pages of my 2019 flip book flash by, that is the majority of what I see. After an unexpected promotion thrust me in to a leadership position, it seemed that overnight I became a “career” woman; a “professional” whose job required the majority of my brain capacity and decision-making abilities. What little I had left went to a continued and deepening obsession around food and negative self-image. A destructive pattern of restricting and overeating emerged worse than ever before and quickly escalated out of control.

Professionally, I flourished. But mentally and emotionally, I withered under the increasing weight of fear and anxiety around food and my appearance. Professionally, I exuded confidence. But behind closed doors, a single surprise lunch could induce crippling panic and self-doubt. Ashamed of my body, I occasionally cancelled plans with friends or people who made me feel exceptionally self-conscious. I couldn’t understand why I was so respected at work because in my mind, I deserved no respect. How could I when I couldn’t manage to lose weight or resist my food cravings?

These words are devastating to write.

Eating Disorder Diagnosis

Managing my weight has been my number one priority as far back as I can remember. I had been addressing my weight, food and self-image issues for many years with my psychotherapist with some success. But finally, in November, she leaned forward and said, “I think it is time you sought more intense, specialized treatment for your disordered eating.”

Her words were a revelation. This was bigger than a desire to lose weight – more serious than yo-yo dieting – more dangerous than critical thoughts toward my body.

I desperately needed help.

I went to one of the leading institutes for eating disorder treatment for a long and emotionally painful assessment. In the end, they confirmed my “severe” eating disorder (ED) and recommended a minimum of six weeks in-patient residential treatment. Afterward, I drove home exhausted. My only thoughts revolved around what I would eat to comfort myself after such an ordeal.

I spoke with my husband and we both agreed in-patient treatment was completely unrealistic for multiple reasons. We’d explore outpatient and/or another counselor specialized in eating disorders. In the meantime, I turned to books in an attempt to understand how things had gotten so out of control and what I could do to help myself. I created a secret Instagram account and joined an ED recovery network and began documenting my recovery journey.

Eating Disorder Recovery

My wise Buddhist friend Paul once said to me regarding my weight loss efforts: “You’re banging against a door that opens toward you.” I finally understand that now. Over a decade of dieting has brought me nothing but weight gain and profound sorrow, frustration, and disappointment. I’ve lost cumulative years of my life to these efforts. I’ve missed out on so much. I’ve treated myself so harshly. I’ve sacrificed so much by tabling things for “after I lose weight.”

I’m done.

I am so done.

Through reading I have gained an understanding of how my ED emerged, which I may go in to in more detail in a future post. Essentially, I had systematically created it through years of repeated and prolonged restriction.

Being diagnosed with an eating disorder made me face the truth and shifted my perspective. It was the intervention I so desperately needed. I am incredibly grateful to not be starting a new year and decade unaware of this reality.

What Else I See in 2019

Although work and disordered eating are the majority of what I see as I look back on 2019, it’s not all I see. I also see my first trip to California where I saw (and swam in) the Pacific Ocean for the first time. I see the elephants at the San Diego Zoo. I see a weekend away at a women’s retreat in New York immersed in sisterhood. I see the bounty of my garden that provided me with great joy this past summer. I see a beautiful baby, my “niece” who was born to great friends in October. I see my husband’s professional successes, of which there were several. I see Cooper, my thirteen year old mutt who is blessedly still with us.

Looking Toward 2020

As I look forward to 2020, I feel lighter… hopeful. I am starting a new year differently than I have started any other in my adult memory – not on a diet. In fact, I forgot to weigh myself this morning. I also had a bagel sandwich for breakfast, something I would have never dared start my year with.

I still have a monkey on my back. I still want to lose weight. I have a lot of work to do to repair my relationship with my body. But I’ve stopped banging against a door that opens toward me.

I’m excited to see what my life will look like now that I have more mental space for other pursuits. I’m going to keep kicking ass at work, that’s for sure. I also have a lot of travel coming up (7 trips, in fact), including my first trip to Europe and my first visit to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

I’m excited to see what else is in store for me.

Thank you for reading. Happy New Year.

P.S. Weight loss has been one of the “themes” of this blog. I apologize for my participation in perpetuating diet culture. I’m not sure yet what I will do with all those posts I’ve written. But please know that going forward my weight loss journey will be focused on recovery and I will no longer be contributing to diet culture. 

Adjustments and fine tuning are required when working to establish lasting habits. Continuing to do the same things that don’t work while expecting different results truly is a waste of time and effort. Believe me, I’ve done the legwork. At the same time, even if certain routines or tools work well, chances are they won’t forever without some occasional tweaking, even if just to keep things interesting and prevent boredom. After all, we are resilient creatures capable of adaptation, but also of stagnancy. After a great deal of trial and error I’ve found that I am able to establish lasting habits by thinking small.

Eliminate the BUT

When it comes to creating habits that ultimately help me accomplish my goals, I go through a lot of trial and error until I discover what works for me. Some things work well, BUT only temporarily. Some work well, BUT are too dependent on other factors that rarely align. Some I think work well, BUT ultimately hurt my well-being. I wanted to find a habit that worked well with no BUT after it.

I am happy to say I have found the solution! The secret lay in establishing “small” daily goals based on the theory that a little is better than nothing, and can add up to a lot! 

Take exercise, for example. Many of us have made lofty goals like:

1. I am going to walk 5 miles every day
2. I will go to the gym every weekday morning at 5 am

The problem with these daily habits, as good as our intentions may be, is that they are too big and not nearly flexible enough to adapt to the curve-balls life inevitably throws at us. It’s not easy to walk five miles when it’s pouring rain and you have no gym membership. Not so easy to go to the gym at 5 am when you were up late with a sick child. Shoot, it’s not easy getting up at 5 to go to the gym even on the best of days.

So we fail. And then oftentimes we end up doing nothing for lengthy periods of time because we got caught up in the all-or-nothing mindset trap.

But I have cracked the code! And believe me when I say I have tried it all.

I have exercised nearly every single day for the past two months thanks to thinking small and making this my goal: EXERCISE AT LEAST 20 MINUTES EVERY DAY. 

It doesn’t matter when. It doesn’t matter how. All that matters is that my body is in motion for twenty minutes. This is REALISTIC. Even when I’m short on time, I can fit in at least 20 minutes. Even when I don’t want to, I know I can do it for at least 20 minutes. I found success in creating a daily goal with no room for a BUT. And the beautiful thing is that I often work out for longer than twenty minutes. But even when I don’t, at least I did something. And SOMETHING is always better than NOTHING.

Establish lasting habits by thinking small

So if you’re holding out for a perfect routine or think you can’t work out if you miss yoga class or the gym is closed, then I urge you to rethink how you’re setting your goal. Establish lasting habits by thinking small and see big change.

This applies to most everything!

Despite my success with regular exercise, I failed horribly at my March writing goal to draft three more chapters of my work-in-progress. When I sat down to write my April writing goal, I considered how I could apply the same philosophy and think smaller to establish a lasting writing habit. Twenty minutes felt far too long at the time. Keep in mind I didn’t write one.single.word. in March due to a block. I needed something not based on duration, but on a not-scary daily quota.

Finally, I settled on a daily goal of writing one paragraph. In doing so I eliminated room for a BUT when it came to making excuses not to write. There’s no reason why I can’t manage to write one paragraph even if it means tapping it on my phone on the train (which I have not yet needed to do.)

When I don’t want to write and it seems too difficult and scary, I take comfort in only having to write one paragraph. Guess what? Once I start, I often don’t stop at one paragraph! But knowing I can if I want to gets me started. And if you’re thinking, “why bother?” Well, at the very least I’ll finish April with 30 paragraphs. It sure beats March’s total of zero.

Apply it to anything

Exercise and writing not your thing? Establish lasting habits by thinking small in order to clean out your closets (or tackle virtually any project); drink more water; achieve a daily meditation practice… anything! Tell me what lasting habit you want to establish and I am sure we can find a way to start small in order to create it. Like a picky eater staring down a plate of vegetables, things aren’t so daunting when you know you only have to swallow one piece. By thinking small I’ve managed to eliminate dread and stop the brain from going into excuse-making overdrive.

And guess what? Once you establish these daily habits, over time they will become so incorporated into your daily regimen that you will no longer even need to think of them! Once that happens, you can consider expanding on them. For now, remember to think small.

Having trouble thinking small? Tell me your habit and I’ll help you come up with a small daily habit to achieve it.

I’m learning how to eat again. This requires substantial unlearning of everything I thought was right about diet and weight loss, but turned out to be all wrong. For those of you who don’t know, I lost forty pounds the first six months of 2017. I then proceeded to gain back 42 pounds the following six months. And even though I knew I didn’t lose all that weight in the best way possible, I still blamed myself for the weight gain, not the methods I took to lose it. But now, thanks to the bestseller Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, I understand where I’ve gone wrong all these many years. I understand why I have never been successful at lasting weight loss. And thanks to this book, I’m learning how to eat again and trust myself with food.

We Cannot Outsmart Physiology

Of all the books I’ve read on health, nutrition, weight loss, and the psychology around eating and losing weight, this one is like nothing I’ve seen before. Intuitive Eating denounces everything I’ve ever been taught about dieting my entire life — every food rule, every dieting “trick.” Because it is all those “rules” that lead us away from our natural ability to eat intuitively. For many reasons we desire to change our bodies and think we can manage our bodies better than they were designed. We think we can somehow outsmart biology and physiology. But our bodies are incredibly fine tuned machines designed to get us what we need to survive, and go into survival mode when we can’t. Nothing good happens when we tinker with the operating system.

Our bodies require certain things, like carbohydrates, to function. When we deny our bodies its preferred fuel, we crave it. Not because we’re weak, lack willpower, or are addicted, but because we need it and physiology is trying to override us. When we continue to deny our body its fuel, it shuts down its metabolism (furnace) to conserve energy. We’ve all heard this and yet we intentionally deprive ourselves of necessary fuels and voluntarily starve ourselves. Why? Because we think we can outsmart physiology.

But regardless, our bodies will find a way to get fuel (or die trying). Whether late at night or over the weekend or during an emotionally trying time, our bodies will take advantage of our vulnerable state and we won’t be able to deny it what it needs. That’s precisely what happened to me last year. For six months I denied my body much of what it needed. I was a mess as a result; exhausted, emotional, weak… and then when I took on the added stress of a job search, I allowed my body everything I had denied it over the previous six months because I was too tired to fight it any longer.

And this is not uncommon when you combine physiology with basic psychology. Anyone who understood my unhealthy and emotional eating patterns combined with my eating disorders and the drastic measures I was taking to lose weight would have known from day one I would not succeed in the long run.

But I didn’t know. Because I thought I could outsmart physiology. Now I know that I can’t. And either can you.

What is Intuitive Eating?

“Intuitive eaters march to their own inner hunger signals, and eat whatever they choose without experiencing guilt or an ethical dilemma. The intuitive eater is an unaffected eater.”

Can you imagine?

When I started reading this book I literally wondered, But who am I if I’m not weighing myself every day, tracking my food, and restricting what I eat? The thought of eating without guilt, or being unaffected was a concept I struggled to even wrap my mind around.

According to Intuitive Eating, “Intuitive eaters have unconditional permission to eat, don’t eat for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons, and rely on internal hunger/satiety cues.” After a lifetime of worsened eating disorders, increased reliance on emotional eating, additional weight gain, and bouts of restriction, I couldn’t be any further from an intuitive eater.

I consider my fuel gauge broken. I’ve eaten when not hungry and eaten to the point of discomfort, even pain. I’ve also starved myself and refused to eat. The idea of having unconditional permission to eat gave me a nervous anxiety, like standing too close to the door of a plane without a parachute. I considered stopping reading the book at the mere suggestion.

But as I read on I started to understand this concept of intuitive eating and even began to think of some real life examples. Have you ever met someone who can actually eat only one handful of chips, or eat two pieces of cake without some self-deprecating comment, or stop eating because they were disappointed of the taste of something? I do. I thought they had super powers. It turns out they’re just unaffected and know how to eat intuitively. You know who else can do this? TODDLERS.

Toddlers are natural intuitive eaters — free from societal messages about food and body image. They have an innate wisdom of food if you don’t interfere with it. They do not eat based on dieting rules and health, but what what they need when they need it.

I decided to give it a try.

Attempting to Eat Intuitively: Intuitive Eating Principles

I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but I already started practicing the ten principles of intuitive eating. If this interests you, I highly suggest reading the book as I am barely even scratching the surface in this post about the wonderful information and case studies it contains.

1. Reject the diet mentality

“If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover intuitive eating.”

This is hard. My mentality is a diet mentality. This is why I said I am in the process of unlearning. But let me tell you, ever since I have even tried rejecting my diet mentality, I have experienced a sense of liberation.

2. Honor your hunger

“Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Once you reach the moment of excessive hunger, all intentions of moderate, conscious eating are fleeting and irrelevant. Learning to honor this first biological signal sets the stage for rebuilding trust with yourself and food.”

This has been a much welcomed change. I haven’t let myself get too hungry and my body has greatly appreciated it.

3. Make peace with food

“Call a truce; stop the food fight! Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can’t or shouldn’t have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings, and, often, bingeing.”

I don’t want to be afraid of certain foods and I don’t want to have love/hate relationships with anything. Ever since giving myself permission to eat, I’m less afraid and foods are less tempting to me. It’s total reverse psychology and I am in awe at how the mind works.

4. Challenge the food police

“Scream a loud “no” to thoughts in your head that declare you’re “good” for eating under a thousand calories or “bad” because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. The Food Police monitor the unreasonable rules that dieting has created.”

This is going to be a work in progress. For a long time, my thoughts around food have been primarily black/white, good/bad and all/nothing. Allowing more flexibility in my life has been an ongoing process.

5. Feel your fullness

“Listen for the body signals that tell you that you are no longer hungry. Observe the signs that show you you’re comfortably full.”

My fuel gauge isn’t broken — I have just been ignoring it for a long time. I’m checking in with my stomach more. There is a helpful hunger scale in the book to help with this. A zero on the scale is ravenous and a 10 is stuffed to the point of discomfort. The idea is to not eat unless you’re a 3 or 4 in hunger and not eat past a 7 or 8 in fullness. I’m trying to honor this principle but I know it will take a great deal of practice.

6. Discover the satisfaction factor

“In our fury to be thin and healthy, we often overlook one of the most basic gifts of existence—the pleasure and satisfaction that can be found in the eating experience.”

Who wants to eat bland oatmeal for breakfast and steamed chicken and vegetables for dinner? And who wants to eat with people they can’t stand or in a filthy car? I am a pleasure seeker, and granted I have relied on food for too much pleasure, I totally understand the need for satisfaction in eating and the eating environment.

7. Cope with your emotions without using food

“Find ways to comfort, nurture, distract, and resolve your emotional issues without using food.”

Figuring this out will be my life’s work. I will just leave it at that.

8. Respect your body

“Accept your genetic blueprint. Respect your body, so you can feel better about who you are.”

I don’t want unrealistic; I just want healthy.

9. Exercise – feel the difference

“Forget militant exercise. Just get active and feel the difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie burning effect of exercise.”

Last year when I wasn’t eating enough in order to make my weight loss goal, I felt weak. I had stopped going to yoga because I wasn’t strong enough. The only exercise I did was cardio. This past month, even before starting this book, I finally got back to yoga and started a light weight routine. I feel the difference; I feel healthier and stronger. I’m not exercising because I have to. I do it because I want to.

10. Honor your health – gentle nutrition

“Make food choices that honor your health and taste buds while making you feel good. Remember that you don’t have to eat a perfect diet to be healthy.”

Principles 9 and 10 are the only two I really don’t need to work on. But I do love that this is a principle and that it’s number 10, no less. In order to eat intuitively you first need to make peace with food, then you can focus on tweaking what you eat in order to get the nutrition you need. But first, we need to establish a healthy relationship with food. Thankfully, although I haven’t had a healthy relationship with food, I do eat nutritiously most of the time.

Conclusion

I was never good at listening to my body and thought I could out-think it. I wanted what I couldn’t have and found no satisfaction in what I could. (Ask my Mom and she will tell you this applied to more than food and eating.)

Intuitive Eating provides ample scientific evidence why restriction and dieting does not work long-term. There is nothing wrong with me and I see that now. There was everything wrong with my beliefs and my approach. Now I believe the solution is getting back to basics and listening to our bodies and relearning how to eat intuitively. It won’t be easy. But I have already experienced a sense of liberation. In fact, I am eating less now that I have permission to eat whatever I want. I’m not shackled by guilt and longing. I am not over-eating because I tell myself it’s the last time I can ever have anything. I’m not looking for compromises to appease my cravings, foods that never quite satisfy me and always leave me longing for the real thing. I am not nearly as pre-occupied with food.

That is a glorious thing.

And like I said, I am checking in. I have been an emotional eater as long as I can remember. Last week my emotions were screaming to be numbed with a giant sandwich and potato chips. I didn’t tell myself I couldn’t have it, but I did ask, gently, lovingly, if there was something else that might make me feel better not just while eating, but also after. The part of me crying out for chips wiped her nose with her sleeve and whispered, “soup.” The adult in me replied, “Okay, sweetie” and took her for a big bowl of Vietnamese pho.

This is the sort of work around food this book is helping me with. I am learning how to eat again.

What do you think? Do you consider yourself an intuitive eater? In what ways do you eat intuitively? What are your biggest struggles?

Welcome to the first post in the new “Finances” category! It was only a matter of time before we turned our sights on tackling our debt. Financial freedom is an integral part to a simpler, low-stress, and joyful life. Anyone who has ever wondered where groceries were coming from, had creditors calling around the clock, or had the electric turned off knows all too well that there is zero peace when stressing over money. Getting our finances under control and significantly reducing our non-mortgage debt are goals of ours this year. After reading a lot about Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover System, it made perfect sense to me. So we’re tackling our debt and finances using Dave Ramsey’s debt snowball method and Everydollar budget system.

Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover System

I requested and received Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover for Christmas. I read it in one day. Luckily for me, I love data and numbers and budgeting. When your finances are overwhelming, numbers and budgeting seems terrifying. Believe me, I know. But what’s even more terrifying, in my opinion, is not knowing where you stand with your money. Budgeting and finances are not new to me. I learned so much in my early twenties from Suze Orman’s The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke. I shudder to think what my finances might look like if it weren’t for that book. But even though I learned the importance of never missing payments, budgeting, and understanding interest rates, I didn’t learn how not to waste money or rack up debt.

Now, thanks to our more minimalist lifestyle, we’re determined to minimize our debt and spending. The allure of a debt-free life beckons me. And one specific line Dave Ramsey uses throughout his book inspires me:

Live like no one else, so you can live like no one else.

While most people we know are eating out all the time and charging crap they don’t need, we’re buckling down, further shifting the programmed consumer-driven mindset of buy buy buy, and tackling our debt. Eventually we will be able to reap the benefits of significantly increased disposable income. By living like no one else now, we can live like no one else later. Sacrifice now. Enjoy the shore house and travel later. That’s our plan. But that doesn’t mean we’re not enjoying ourselves now. In fact, we booked a trip to Hawaii for this coming December. But we’re going without adding a single dollar to our debt. Keep reading to see how.

Using Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar Budget

So the plan is to significantly reduce our debt, but also to finish our kitchen renovation, go to my brother’s in Washington state for Thanksgiving, go to Hawaii for seven days, and have some semblance of fun and a social life. This isn’t an exercise in suffering. But in order to do all this we had to face our spending, agree on a budget and agree to work together, something Mike and I aren’t always good at.

It took some convincing but I got Mike on board. It’s both a blessing and a curse that he always left me solely responsible for handling the finances. But for this to work, I needed him to be invested (pun intended). So we set a date and sat down with the free version of Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar budget online.

The unique thing about the EveryDollar budget is exactly that: you budget every single dollar. But more on that in a moment. Here’s how we approached our budget:

• First, we listed everything we spend money on regularly throughout the year. Much of it was obvious: credit card and student loan bills, utilities, living expenses, groceries, insurance, eating out, etc.
• Second, we thought about more random and infrequent expenses: haircuts and grooming, clothes, medical expenses.
• Lastly, we thought ahead: take Christmas for example; we all know it’s coming every year, but every year we find ourselves scrambling with the expense of the month of December. This is poor planning. So we included a line item for Christmas. And vacation, Cooper’s annual vet visits, random gifts, six month car maintenance… everything we could think of that we spend money on in a given year.

Once we debated (at length) and eventually agreed how much we should budget per category per month, there was fortunately money left over based on the figures we entered for our anticipated income. So what to do with the rest? That’s where the debt snowball comes in!

Using Dave Ramsey’s Debt Snowball Method

So you may have been told that the way to approach debt is to rank your bills by monthly interest rate totals and tackle whatever debt has the highest interest rate first. Makes sense. That’s the debt where the most money is being wasted on interest. I’ve tried this in the past. But to be honest the past few years we just sort of got into the habit of paying more than the minimums to most of our bills without really getting anywhere. There was no concentrated effort on a particular debt and we just sort of spread money around since we were still charging things. For every $300 we paid to a credit card, we charged $300.

Dave Ramsey wants you to focus on one debt at a time, so you rank them, but NOT by interest. Following his method, you rank your consumer debts from lowest balance to highest balance. That’s right — forget if you’re paying a $100 minimum payment to a credit card that accrues $65 monthly interest. Make the minimum payments only on all but the debt with the lowest balance (#1) and then put everything else you have toward that one debt, including all your remaining money from your EveryDollar budget. Concentrating your efforts in this way will knock out debts much faster and help you gain momentum. Once the first/smallest debt is paid off, all that extra money will “snowball” into what you’re already paying monthly toward debt #2 and then #3 and so on and so forth until you’re making huge monthly payments to larger debts.

Does it Work?

You decide how intensely you want to tackle your debts, but the method stays the same. Mike and I started out strong. We took some money from savings, smashed a piggy bank and rolled coin and attacked the first debt in our snowball. We paid off my Chase credit card the very first month we started and are already onto debt #2 (one of my four student loans.) The minimum payment is like $11 or something. We paid around $400.00 at the end of February.

Mike and I started out January 1 with $47,602.02 in total non-mortgage debt. By February 2 our debt totaled $44,492.37. And on March 1, our debt stood at $43,519.27 We paid off $4,082.75 of debt in two months!

We couldn’t have done this without Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover, EveryDollar budget, and debt snowball method. He gave us the tools to help us stay focused and make paying down debt a challenging, yet fun, “game.” We don’t always come in under budget, but we certainly try. We could also probably tighten our belts even more, but for now, this works for us.

We’re going to continue using Dave Ramsey’s debt snowball method and living minimally now in order to live the life we want later, whatever that looks like. Even if we were to continue reducing our debt a conservative average of $1,000.00 a month, we’d be consumer debt-free in less than four years. Factor in bonuses and raises, tax refunds, and yard sales and we’re looking at living debt free sooner.

Not bad for two people under 45. That small shore house in our favorite beach town looks more realistic every day…

The Olympics couldn’t have come at a better time, at least for me personally. They’ve been the dose of inspiration I’ve needed in a long, uninspiring, sluggish, dark, cold winter. In watching, I made an important realization. Here I’m going to share what I learned watching the Olympics.

What I Learned Watching the Olympics

I sat on my couch in awe as I watched the women’s half-pipe and Chloe Kim win gold. She’s fluent in three languages and a gold medalist at 17. I smiled ear to ear overjoyed for her as she made her victory run.

“I can’t even not eat too much pizza,” I said aloud to myself.

Although I’ve always had incredible admiration for Olympians, I assumed they arrived at the Olympics because the deck was stacked in their favor. Like the fourth generation son in a long line of Harvard graduates, I figured a lot of it came down to where they live, who they know, and how much money they have. First of all, these sports are expensive! And you can’t do most of these sports just anywhere.

So I figured “good for them,” but thought, “yeah, I could be an Olympian too if I had rich, supportive parents who exposed me to a sport at a young age, nurtured my talent and made sure I lived in an area where I could practice.”

What I learned not only watching the Olympics this year, but listening, is how wrong I was.

First of all, not all Olympians have the deck stacked in their favor. Yes, Chloe Kim may have the world’s most supportive parents. (Her dad quit his job when she was eight years old so that he could travel the world with her!) But the closest halfpipe to her home in California was five hours away. During the two years she lived in Switzerland, she had to take two trains to reach the Alps. Not to mention that no matter how much support she had, she still had to find the courage to speed down a vertical slope and up the other side in order to launch herself into the air and flip around a few times before landing on hard packed snow. No matter your circumstances, that kind of courage comes from within.

And let’s look at figure skater Adam Rippon. During his interview immediately following his solo team skate, an announcer asked him what it took to be there in PyeongChang. He explained that he had moved to Los Angeles six years ago to work with a certain coach. In order to do so, he slept in a basement and stole apples from the gym because he couldn’t afford a place to live, let alone food.

After hearing these stories, this is what I learned watching the Olympics: Dreams require sacrifice.

Sacrifice

Deck stacked in my favor or not, I don’t have what it takes to be an Olympian. I don’t have that ability to sacrifice to the level required of me in order to reach my dreams.

Do you really think Chloe Kim woke up at the crack of dawn every Saturday excited to sit in a car for five hours? Maybe sometimes? She was a kid when she started snowboarding and then a teenager, that wonderful age when our friends, love lives, and phones take precedence over all else. But not for Chloe and Adam and the other Olympians. They sacrificed. And that’s why they’re in South Korea right now. And they damn well deserve to be there.

I am in awe of Olympians. For me, I’m not just watching what they can do, but I’m watching for what they have done to get to where they are. I love the stories. The setbacks, the trials, the tribulations. Each story is incredibly inspiring to me.

I don’t have a completed draft of my novel or weigh less than I did this time last year, let alone have a medal around my neck. That’s because I don’t sacrifice enough. I don’t sacrifice sleep, couch time, eating or drinking too much, the urge to be lazy… is it any wonder I haven’t achieved my goals and dreams.

But I’m taking inspiration from these Olympians and at least now I know what it takes to be a champion: sacrifice.

What have you sacrificed to achieve your dreams?

Throughout the year, life encapsulates me like a caterpillar. But by the start of a new one I am ready to emerge a reborn butterfly. For weeks I’ve been preparing and gaining momentum for the start of a brand new year. The canvas I’ve spent twelve months marking up is removed and a pristine one is placed before me. At last I get to apply all the lessons and skills I’ve acquired with fresh brushes, and attempt to paint my life once more. But before I can set paint to canvas, I had to spend time picturing the life I will create…

My 2018 Vision

When I closed my eyes and envisioned my life this coming year, I experienced the liberating sensation of significantly reduced debt and simpler living. I saw and felt a healthier version of my body; thinner, with more energy. I saw this improved body in yoga classes sweating beside a roaring winter fire and holding advanced poses as I concentrated on snow falling lazily through the windows. I envisioned myself writing the words “The End” as I finally completed the first draft of my novel. I saw myself preparing and cooking healthy meals, chatting with my husband, in a version of our kitchen where the renovations were finally complete. Lastly and most significantly of all, I saw the big waves of the North Shore of Oahu. Waves I literally dream of. Waves I have been dreaming of since I was eleven years old. I see them in my vision of 2018.

And now it is time to make these visions my 2018 reality.

My 2018 Goals

1. Significantly reduce consumer debt

It’s only natural my minimalist journey would lead me to this point. I had heard of author and finance expert Dave Ramsey before and have even messed around with his system. But it was all premature. I read his book, The Total Money Makeover cover to cover on December 26 and created our “everydollar” budget. I soon realized the only way for this to work was for me and Mike to operate as a team dedicated to a common goal. I spent time going through the system and budget with Mike. For the first time in our marriage I finally let go of my fears and the voices of the scorned woman in my head and we agreed to pool our money and attack our debt and finances as a team. It’s been a very exciting week of big changes.

I have a strong feeling “Finances” will become a new category on this site in 2018, so stay tuned for lots more on this…

2. Lose weight

It wouldn’t be a list of goals of mine without this one on it, right? But I think we all know “lose weight” by itself isn’t nearly S.M.A.R.T. enough. So I’ve made a big decision regarding how this goal is going to look. I don’t recall a time in my life when I wasn’t trying to “lose weight.” I am burnt out and tired of trying to lose weight. I lost 40 pounds in 2017 and it was a horrible experience. Is it any surprise I gained almost all of that weight back? It’s time for something new.

Here’s the real goal and I’m putting it out there for the whole world to see: “Get under, and stay under 200 pounds.”

That’s it. That’s all I want. I’ve been over 200 pounds (with the exception of two months in 2017) since July, 2013. I hate this club and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. I’m going to get under 200 pounds and then for the first time in my memory I am going to take a break from trying to “lose weight” and work on staying under 200 pounds. I think this change in mindset will be great for me.

3. Complete the first draft of my novel

I made progress on my novel in 2017 and learned a great deal about how to achieve this incredibly challenging task. I am going to break this goal into monthly mini goals and tackle it one month at a time.

4. Establish a regular and consistent yoga practice

I love yoga. But it’s hard, especially after a long break. Yoga connects me with myself and helps me to appreciate my body; I need it for my well being and I miss it when I’m without it. I want yoga to be a natural part of my life again. It will take work and dedication to make it so. But I know it’s worth it, so I’m starting off easy again and will build myself and my body back up.

5. Finish three specific home projects

This includes completing the kitchen renovation. We started it a couple years ago, but never finished. I’m tired of having an incomplete and unfinished kitchen. Even with significantly reducing our debt I know we can make this happen since there isn’t much left besides new counter tops and back splash. There are two other smaller projects we’ve been putting off. One will only require a warm weekend and work.

(If you or someone you know sells or installs counters, please let me know!)

6. Go to Hawaii and see the big waves

This is the big one so allow me to back up. I’m not being figurative when I say I dream of big waves. I actually have recurring dreams of sitting on beaches and watching big waves. I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but it’s always seemed too much of a “Banzai Pipe” dream.

But things have changed…

First of all, there are people in my life, like my brother Doug who travel all over who have inspired me and made travel feel more accessible. (Just read my friend Sarah’s post on her favorite 2017 travel experiences and you’ll see what I mean.) Secondly, my friend Glenn died this month and I was reminded once more of just how short life really is. What am I waiting for, I asked myself. Thirdly, Airbnb. It’s a wonderful, affordable thing.

I was nervous to talk to Mike about this one, so I prefaced and built up to it. Long story short, he gave me his blessing and agreed to go. The plan (and we’re booking our Airbnb in January) is to be there for New Year’s 2018/2019 and hope with all our hearts the waves are up since it will be big wave season.

I can’t think of a more inspiring and rewarding carrot to have waiting for me at the end of 2018. I want to deserve it. I want to get on that plane in December 2018 having accomplished every one of these six goals, and finish my year doing something I have always dreamed of… sitting on the beach and watching the big waves roll in.

This is the picture I will create this year.

Now tell me, what picture are you going to create this year?