The wind picked up and the temperature dropped as we climbed in elevation. I gripped the lap bar, my sleeves pulled tightly over white knuckles. We swayed forward every time the chair lift came to a stop, causing my stomach to drop. I glanced below my dangling feet at the craggy mountain slope and calculated my chances of survival should our chair snap free from its steel cable. I don’t have a fear of heights so much as I have a fear of faulty engineering. But it was my friend, Amy’s birthday, and taking a chairlift to the top of Mount Snow in Vermont was what she wanted to do. So I faced my fear and anxiously awaited my prize of solid ground, breathtaking views, and an alcoholic beverage in the lodge to calm my nerves. I am grateful I didn’t give in to my fear. The reward of a new life experience sitting atop that mountain overlooking the valley was worth the discomfort.

Acknowledging Fear

When was the last time you did something that scared you?

I could rattle you off a list of things I’ve done that scared the hell out of me. Highlights include slipping down sliding rock in Pisgah National Forest into frigid water. Holding a tarantula in Colorado. Being a passenger along Mount Evans Road, the highest paved road in North America, which dropped off to certain death at 14,000 feet.

I recall these moments specifically because the experience of facing and embracing fear is so memorable. Knotted stomach, tight back, clenched jaw, rapid breathing, increased adrenaline… the mind races with one ultimate decision: give in to the fear or face the fear. When you decide to go for it, a nervous courage joins the party leaving you feeling emboldened and rebellious. Then you do the thing that scares you and exhilaration floods through you like a tsunami and you’re no longer who you were a moment before. You’re changed: stronger, braver and more experienced.

The Cost of Fear

There is nothing to gain by giving in to fear, but there is so much to lose. Had I allowed myself to be held back by fear over the years, I would have sacrificed so many incredible life experiences. All those memories and stories… gone. All those instances when I demonstrated bravery that have boosted my confidence… gone. All that exhilaration… gone.

Fear grips us when we think we may fail, get hurt, or worse, die. This is not an easy thing to overcome. We give in to it in order to prevent risk of injury or death, but the truth is that the joke’s on us. That’s because fear does not stop death, it stops life. Fear stops us from living.

Adrenaline is what makes us feel alive! Taking risks and chances, being afraid, increasing life experiences – THAT’S living.

We don’t regret the things we do that scared us, we regret not doing them. Twenty plus years later, I am still grateful I quite literally took a leap and jumped off a 25 foot cliff. To this day, it remains one my proudest moments; one that helped shape who I am as a person.

I was no younger than ten or older than twelve. Forever trying to keep up with my big brothers, I found myself at the edge of a cliff at Action Park. I desperately tried to will myself to take that last tiny step before chickening out, stepping aside and letting people go ahead of me.

My fearless brother, Joey jumped and climbed the hill back to the cliff several times while I stood there becoming increasingly worn down by my fear. My eyes welled with tears as my resolve slipped away. Joey came back again. “Ready?” he asked. I stood at the edge and crossed my arms over my chest as instructed. Finally, desperate, I uttered two words through frozen lips. “Push me.”

Without hesitation Joey nudged my back and down I went. The fall seemed to last a lifetime before I plunged deeply into the cold water. I emerged a different person; someone bolder, someone braver, someone more experienced.

Imagine if I had let my fear get the best of me that day on top of that cliff? This would not be a story of courage, but one of regret.

Facing and Embracing Fear

When you are faced with the opportunity to do something that scares you, take it! These are what some of life’s most defining and memorable experiences are made of!

What scares you? What do you regret not doing because you gave in to your fear?

Jump off cliffs, hold a snake, ask the girl out, travel alone to a foreign country… DO WHAT SCARES YOU! You may think these experiences aren’t that memorable, but believe me, they are! The adrenaline surges and sense of empowerment alone are enough to make you feel more alive. It’s a total bonus that facing and embracing fear boosts confidence.

Believe me, these are the stories you’ll tell. You will live to see another day, and will get to enjoy a life that has more… well, LIFE.

P.S. In writing this post I realized that my brother, Joey, who really is fearless, was present at nearly every single one of my scariest moments, even those that didn’t make the final draft of this post. Truth be told, on Mount Evans Road I was so terrified I begged him to let me out of the car. He wouldn’t let me because it wasn’t safe. If it wasn’t for him nudging me off the cliff, I may never have taken the step myself. If it wasn’t for him not letting me out of the car, I wouldn’t have ever been 14,000 feet high into the clouds. Thanks, Joey. xoxo

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Inspiration isn’t something you find; it’s something you hear. Many people wonder when and where inspiration strikes. It strikes when our minds are quiet enough for the sweet voice of an exciting idea to break through. Therefore, it is extremely important we identify ways, times, and places when our minds are quieter in order to be inspired. Once we know what quiets our mind, we need to give ourselves those opportunities to allow for inspiration to speak.

Being Inspired

At the time of this writing, I was in Vermont on retreat. The sun hadn’t yet fully risen and I was seated at my friend, Amy’s kitchen table. There were exactly three sounds: the clacking of the keyboard; the hum of the refrigerator; and the ticking of the wall clock. My mind was perfectly quiet. I had just woken up from a deep, ten-hour sleep. I was there to get away, to rest, to work, and to be inspired.

Last time I was in Vermont I wrote R.E.T.R.E.A.T, a post about the benefits of getting away. Last time I was there I also went paddle boarding for hours around a beautiful mountain lake. It was there in that quiet, out in the middle of the water, that my mind was quiet enough to hear the idea for a novel break through loud and clear. I wrote 50,000 words of that novel during NaNoWriMo. It is that novel I continue to work on now.

When I was hiking in the Blue Ridge Mountains this past July another wonderful idea came to me. I haven’t yet shared that idea here, but I will soon, believe me. I started working on that idea the day after I got home from that vacation and will have something to show the world for it soon.

In my mind’s eye, inspiration looks to me like a glowing young, sweet girl. Our thoughts, to-dos, anxieties, observations, and judgements look like bickering adults. I imagine loud adults around me yelling over one another like brokers during trading hours. Poor sweet inspiration is trying to push her way through the sea of legs, saying “excuse me” in her sweet voice, but she goes unnoticed and is unable to get through. Only when I can eliminate some of those adults is when and where inspiration strikes. She walks up to me gracefully and glowing, tugs my shirt so I stoop down, and whispers in my ear.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in her latest novel, Big Magic that ideas swirl around us, trying to get our attention. Most of the time they go ignored because we’re shopping, brooding, pondering or watching television.

“But sometimes—rarely, but magnificently—there comes a day when you’re open and relaxed enough to actually receive something. The idea, sensing your openness, will start to do its work on you. It will send the universal physical and emotional signals of inspiration (chills up the arms… nervous stomach… that feeling of falling into love or obsession.) You will start to notice all sorts of signs pointing you toward the idea.”

Does this sound familiar? I certainly hope so!

It’s so important we not only identify these times and places when we’re open and relaxed enough (sitting in a hammock under a full moon, perhaps?), but that we recreate them. Let’s make it as easy as possible for sweet inspiration to whisper in our ears.

When and Where Inspiration Strikes Me

1. The beach/ocean/bodies of water

For the majority of my life I thought the ocean held an exclusive power, but I have learned that lakes, bays and rivers are just as magical for me. Going to the water recharges, refreshes and relaxes me, as I wrote in this post. There is such beauty in water and it reminds me what is truly important in life, hence quieting that which is not. Water casts a spell on me allowing inspiration to speak.

2. The mountains

I become more of a mountain-lover after every trip to higher elevations. The fresh air, the views, the life! It does something to me. Also in western, NC this past July was when I was inspired enough to quit smoking once and for all. (It’s since been 67 days that I’m 100% cigarette-free!) The mountains are quiet and spacious with so little congestion. They are a place where we can breathe.

3. When meditating

The saying goes that we talk to the universe when we pray, but we listen to the universe when we meditate. This is the ultimate in quieting those bickering, loud adults in my mind and allowing the universe to speak to me. Some beautiful things have come across my quieted mind during meditation.

4. When cleaning (focusing on a project)

Cleaning, and other projects like wood working, gardening, etc. require our focus. Focus is another form of meditation so it’s no wonder that our mind is quieted enough to hear inspiration speak. Instead of thousands of thoughts running through our minds, there are more like dozens, so inspiration is able to reach us easier.

5. In nature

I specifically mentioned water and the mountains because they are extra special to me, but truthfully all of nature is inspiring. Walks in the woods, bicycle rides along tree-laden trails, sitting in parks… Getting outside for fresh air and away from distractions like electronics and work is so beneficial to clearing the mind.

6. Libraries and coffee shops

As a writer, I am also inspired when I surround myself with others who are focused and quietly reading and/or writing. It’s as if everyone’s energy sort of plays off one another resulting in a super focused, meditative atmosphere. Whether you’re a painter or a musician or whatever else, surround yourself with like-minded people or those who are doing something similar. If you can’t be surrounded by them, surround yourself with their art. Go to a symphony or to a museum. Take in the work and energy of others.

Those are the places and times I know for a fact I can hear inspiration speak.

When was the last time you felt inspired? What were you doing? Maybe you were out walking or running? I’m usually too busy daydreaming and battling with myself to keep going to hear inspiration when I run, but maybe that’s the perfect time for you. The point is to identify those times and places when and where inspiration strikes YOU and recreate them as much a possible.

I recently pushed my body to its physical limits at a new brand of spin class whose goal is to guide riders through an inspirational, meditative fitness experience that’s designed to benefit the body, mind and soul. Three quarters through the class the instructor shouted for us to concentrate on what we love most about ourselves. Red in the face and short of breath, my eyes stung. Not with sweat, but with tears. It took a year just for me to list things I like about myself. Out of the saddle, calves on fire, pedaling like my life depended on it, it came to me. I DON’T GIVE UP. “Now validate it!” the instructor yelled. I pushed even harder.

Images of all the times I considered quitting and didn’t played through my mind: endurance races like Spartan, grueling steep hikes, school… But I don’t give up, no matter how much it hurts or how long it takes. This is what I love about me.

And this is why today marks my 32nd day cigarette-free. Because I haven’t quit on trying to quit smoking. I have tried and failed countless times, but I don’t give up. I refuse to concede that it’s just too hard and accept being a social smoker. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone 32 days. I can’t promise it will be the last. But I can promise that if it’s not the last, I will try again.

It is this unwillingness to give up that drives me to keep trying to lose weight, keeps me on this journey, keeps me pursuing my dreams of being a successful writer. I truly believe I can achieve my goals if I work hard enough. If I don’t achieve them, it will only be because I stopped trying. If I smoke again, I won’t blame the fact that I live with a smoker. That is simply a large obstacle. If I can’t lose weight, I won’t blame the practically non-existent healthy options of convenience food. It will mean I didn’t do enough to manage my diet, exercise and eating disorders. If I don’t become a successful writer, I won’t blame the flooded market and saturated blogosphere. It will mean I didn’t work hard enough at honing my craft and didn’t spend enough time writing. There is nothing and no one to blame for my failures but me.

The same goes for my victories. On this 32nd day of being cigarette-free, I am reminded that I can do hard things. Although I never give up, it often seems as though I rarely get to stop pedaling either. But today, one day over a full month, is finally a win. Today I get to hop off the bike and take in the scenery a bit. Yes, it took many attempts to quit smoking. But maybe all those attempts were just practice. Maybe now I’m finally ready to WIN.

All my life I’ve not started things because I didn’t feel prepared or qualified. If I did start, I often grew bored or frustrated and eventually gave up. Now, after 100 blog posts, I feel proud, accomplished and even more energized to continue my journey. I’m so grateful I started when I did and didn’t let sabotaging thoughts postpone my plans. Nothing is ever perfect at the start, and I love being able to look back on 100 blog posts and not only see my personal growth, but the growth of this blog and my writing as well.

Procrastination & Preparation:

You may recall I almost didn’t start this blog back in November, 2014. I wanted professional photos taken, but thought I was too fat. 100 blog posts later I’m no thinner than I was then. Imagine if I had waited? I’d still be waiting! But I didn’t wait because although I didn’t feel my body was ready, I was. My journey had begun and I literally could not wait to write about and share it. It was that excitement that compelled me to begin despite not having my ideal photo and some other minor concerns.

I don’t think we’re ever fully prepared for anything. Planning can be just another form of procrastination. Sometimes we have to bite the bullet and go for it with what we have and what we know at the time. So I had the photos taken anyway, and I’ve come to really appreciate them. And I started on Blogger because I was familiar with the platform and it was easy to use. I knew I could always move later (even if I had no idea at the time how to go about the transition).

With any new project, nothing will be ever be perfect at the start, no matter how much planning and prep we do. Imagine if it were!? How BORING. We’d all quit six months in if there weren’t changes and improvements to make and goals to strive for. With nearly anything, we learn by doing. We can read every book and watch every video, but I guarantee you there’s nothing quite like figuring it out for yourself and doing it.

Start Somewhere:

Everyone starts somewhere. No, actually, not everyone starts somewhere. Because a lot of people don’t start at all. Those who have the courage and drive to start do start somewhere. But we rarely get to see their starting line because by the time we know who they are they’re often much closer to the finish. We can’t start at the finish.

But we can all start somewhere. What are you waiting for?

As I’ve worked on myself, I’ve worked on this blog, eventually learned WordPress and designed this website. I can’t even begin to quantify how much I have learned and grown as a result of having a place to document my journey. This blog keeps me motivated on what is oftentimes an arduous process of healing and growth. I am so incredibly grateful I didn’t allow something as trivial as photos keep me from writing. My journey would have stalled and I wouldn’t have everything I’ve written to share with you, especially my weight loss struggles. So even if it takes another 100 blog posts (my God, I hope not) I will have another photo shoot. And when I post all those photos, you’ll know how hard I worked to make it happen and how important they are to me.

Whether you’ve read one post or all one hundred, thank you for being a part of my journey.

Ask yourself:

Is there something holding me back from starting a project or working toward a goal?

Is it a good reason or a trivial one?

Am I planning? Or procrastinating?

Do I have the bare minimum to get started?

I bet you do…

Today is my 34th birthday! So many people say their birthday is “just another day,” but I wholeheartedly disagree. Today is my day, a day to bask in a little special treatment and celebrate the blank page between the end of one chapter and the start of another. I don’t want to write the same chapter year after year and call it a novel. Today is my day to reflect back on what I’ve written all year in the book of my life and get excited for what’s to come! Here’s some highlights:

1. I was nominated, then elected Vice President of the South Jersey Writers’ Group
2. My story, “One For the Road” was published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Very Good, Very Bad Dog
3. I moved The Cracking Nut to its new home here and re-branded it (learning WordPress in the process).
4. I got a new car! My very first new car!
5. I identified a novel concept and “won” NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) by writing 50,000 words of said novel.
6. I started stand up paddle boarding and fell in love with the activity.

Aside from the car (which is not an indicator of recent success, by the way, but a sign that my 2002 was getting to a point of beyond repair) and the paddle boarding, seeing those highlights spelled out like this helps me realize that I have been doing a decent job working toward my goal of becoming a professional writer.  I definitely haven’t spent the year sitting on my ass. In fact, despite my lack of meaningful weight loss, I am happy to say I haven’t been sitting on my ass much at all.

Weaved throughout those highlights has been the continuation of this blog, continued efforts to minimize, and greatest of all, persistent work towards healing and living a gentler, happier, more compassionate life. Thirty-three was probably my very best year in terms of mental wellness, and I am so grateful for the amazing progress I have made in order to live more mindfully. Life was not good for a very, very long time. I was living the same angry, disappointed existence year after year and calling it my life. But there was no life… not by definition.

Now there is so much life… the capacity for growth and functional activity. Now there is light where there was only darkness.

Thirty-four… I think it’s going to be a good year. I’m old enough to know better, young enough to still have the world in front of me, as much as any of us can hope, at least. My goals remain the same: lose weight, write, learn, have fun, and be a good person.

I’ve done a bit of all those things in my 33rd year. In fact, I feel as if the past several days was a wonderful final exam for my 33rd year, testing much of what I have learned. It’s been an intense few days full of visits and family, many of whom I have not seen in a long time. I feel that I passed with flying colors, showing patience and compassion, self-care, understanding, forgiveness and love. I feel proud of myself.

But I’m tired. So my gift to myself today is self-love, in the form of nutritious food and a peaceful and happy low-key birthday.

I’m not only excited for the rest of my day, but the rest of my year, and the rest of my life. I am grateful for the opportunity to turn a year older – so many people don’t get the chance. This is another reason why today can’t possibly be “just another day.” Today is a beautiful birthday gift.

The other morning I woke up extra early. I made coffee, lit incense, and settled in to my office’s corner nook to write. It was silent other than for the songs of birds and clacking of the keyboard. The early morning solitude inspired a blog post, an encouraging one, about productive early mornings, success and strengthening our discipline. But by the time I got home in the evening after a long and tiring day, I wasn’t feeling it any more. The optimism and energy inspired by my peaceful morning had been released little by little as the day kicked me around like an inflatable ball. By the end of it I was deflated and useless. So here I am now, trying again, wondering what can be salvaged of that post written when the day was so young. I’ve realized something new since then.

They say the most successful people are those who rise early. They are generally more disciplined and enjoy a hefty head start on the day. Typically my favorite days are those on which I am able to rise early and enjoy a productive head start of writing, meditating, and exercising. Those mornings seem to set a tone for the day and it’s lovely knowing those tasks are out of the way. The load is lighter.

But I don’t think successful people practice the habit of rising early just because they enjoy getting things off their plates. Perhaps they’re so successful because they have the self-awareness to realize they’re at their best in the morning before they get beaten down by the day’s demands. They have the skill of foresight; they know the chances of doing x,y,z later is slim. People who are typically less successful procrastinate and plan to do things late into the night, but find themselves exhausted, not only from the day, but also from carrying the weight of their dread around throughout it.

In the post I wrote the other morning, I explained that I struggle to get up early most mornings because I lack discipline and willpower. This is true, but also an excuse. I want to wake up early most days. Early morning is my favorite time, watching the sun creep up slowly while the neighborhood sleeps. Being awake makes me feel as I’m balancing the scales, taking back a little of what rightfully belongs to me after having wasted so much time.

But lack of willpower and discipline is an excuse. Convincing myself I can and will do things later is an excuse, a bargain I make with myself when my eyes sting from sleep and I’m far too comfortable to consider getting up. Some days I make good on those bargains, but other days I am too deflated after unexpected turns of events. Days have a tendency to change on a whim, like the weather in coastal Florida. We don’t anticipate bad news, getting stuck late at work, invitations to happy hour, or other occurrences, but they happen more often than not. Perhaps it is wiser to plan for them and enjoy those productive early mornings so that we can roll with the punches, rather than get our air knocked out. Best case scenario we find ourselves with a rare evening of guilt-free television watching. Those are the best.

So maybe I’ve been looking at it the wrong way. The other morning I thought it was all about needing to strengthen my resolve to get up early. Maybe I just need to acknowledge the facts and stop kidding myself. Writing is extremely important to me. Exercising every day is equally important. Meditating, too. It’s time I face the facts and admit that if I do not achieve these things in the morning, their likelihood of occurring decreases as the day wears on. It’s not entirely about willpower and discipline, it’s about admitting that if these things are as important to me as I claim, then I’ll make them happen. This is, I think, what makes people successful. Not their discipline, but their ability to set priorities and face reality. And the reality is, if we can’t even get out of bed to work toward our number one goals, then who are we to claim they’re extremely important to us?

I didn’t get up early this morning and I was supposed to help my husband with a project tonight. In a fortunate turn of events, he decided I’d only get in the way, so here I am clacking away in the evening. Thankfully it provided me with a chance to contemplate this whole morning thing. I’ve never once regretted waking up early, working out, or writing. I have only ever regretted missing opportunities to do those things. An extra hour or two in bed instead of working on a goal is a pretty shitty trade off. Not much feels better than accomplishment, I don’t care how comfortable your bed may be.

I’m going to try again tomorrow with this new understanding of how valuable the morning is. Morning rituals provide us the opportunity to literally rise to the occasion, the occasion being this one and only life. I realize now I’ve been a fool to hit the snooze button… all I’ve done is snooze the realization of my goals.
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I don’t believe people change, but like trees, we GROW. A sapling doesn’t change into a magnificent oak, it matures into one, fulfilling its destiny, becoming what it’s meant to be, growing stronger and healthier, but only if well-nourished. When I cracked the nut on my suffering and began this journey, I visualized a seedling emerging from a split nut, stretching toward the sun, seeking sustenance. This is often how I think of myself, although I am no longer a vulnerable seedling. That’s because I actively seek growth opportunities. I’m not content to stop learning and experiencing, and therefore improving. I recognize that it’s okay to be under constant construction, to be a work in progress. 

A beautiful dogwood stood in full bloom on our property when my husband and I bought our home. Over the following years it bloomed less and less. It never occurred to me that it needed nurturing until the willow in my front yard died entirely. I fed the dogwood last spring and it bloomed magnificently once more, eager to reach its full potential.

With even the most minimal effort, we are guaranteed stagnant growth, just as a simple result of living, until we eventually deteriorate and die, like my dogwood surely would have. But we have the power to cultivate our maturation with proper food: books, travel, conversation, interests… opening our hearts and minds to new experiences.

We need the pursuit of self-actualization. It is what drives us once our physiological, safety, and belonging needs are met. This is why so many people experience what is often referred to as a “mid-life crisis.” But I don’t think it’s a crisis at all! It is the profound realization that life is pretty good and you’re ready for something more! So people think of things they always wanted to try or see or learn and they seek those things out. This troubles those who are stuck or unwilling to expand, but I think it’s all part of a healthy growing process. When we’re ready, we begin to branch-out like trees.

Just because I am eager to continue growing does not suggest I am unhappy or overly critical of myself. Like my dogwood, I experience rest and rejuvenation phases, preparation phases, growth spurts… sometimes I’m gorgeous and vibrant and sometimes barren and shivering in the cold. But I do not stop growing. I shed and grow a thicker skin like bark, and continue to absorb that which is best for me.

As I watch nature awaken from its wintry slumber this early spring, I am reminded I am a magnificent work in progress. So are you.

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When losing weight is your number one goal, there isn’t much room for other priorities. The only time in recent years when this wasn’t my number one priority was when I was in school, and guess what, I gained a lot of weight during that time. Other than that, it’s been my focus. That’s a whole lot of energy, time and work that has gone into one thing with far too few results, other than preventing me from gaining even more weight.

Imagine if I had devoted all that space and energy to something else, something I was good at.  Who knows what I could have achieved by now!

When I finally figured out I couldn’t lose weight because I was focusing on the wrong things (diet and exercise instead of cognitive thinking), I redoubled my commitment to losing weight with a new approach. My counselor recommended The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to THINK Like a Thin Person, by Dr. Judith Beck. Her father, Aaron Beck is regarded as the Father of Cognitive Therapy, so I figured she knew a thing or two on the subject.

The book claimed it would help me change the way I think about diet, eating and weight loss “FOREVER.” I’d learn how to abolish my cravings, resist temptations, deal with emotional triggers, end emotional eating, and conquer excuses to overeat, according to the book’s description. I believe that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is, so I was skeptical. I’ve been trying to do these things for twenty years; no way was one book going to get the job done. But with an open mind and trust in my counselor, I loaded it onto my Kindle.

The book is broken into 42 lessons. My first task was to write an Automatic Response Card (ARC) listing all the reasons I want to be thin. The idea is that when you’re staring down chocolate cake or want nothing but to eat your weight in french fries after a hard day, you have something to whip out and read to remind yourself what’s more important and why the food isn’t really what you want.

I had never really thought before about why I want to be thin. We all want to be rich, right, but seldom think of the specific reasons why. We usually just have some broad sense of increased happiness and quality of life. That’s what I thought when it came to being thin. So I had been dedicating the bulk of my time and energy to a goal that I didn’t even know specifically why I wanted! How ridiculous is that!?

So I thought about why I want to be thin and twenty specific, damn good reasons tumbled out of my brain and onto a piece of paper as fast as my hand could write them.

#1 on my list; the very FIRST thing I thought:

Being thin will free up space in my life for other goals.

I didn’t think much of that being the first thing I thought until this month, when the space showed up.

Let me back up.

I dedicated the entire month of January to cooking and eating right, exercising daily, and practicing my newly learned cognitive thinking skills. I read The Beck Diet Solution and beyond these things and work, I had little time for anything else. I was excited and enthusiastic; happy to devote so much time and energy to my goal. But January turned into February and I began to lose steam. I got sick, too. On February 10, I wrote “The Part When We Quit” to process all that I was feeling, and ultimately acknowledged it was normal and to keep my eye on the prize.

But then everything got even harder… and darker.

Here’s the thing – there is no instant gratification in weight loss. It is a slow, grueling process. I am a spinning wheel, something my friend, Kathy affectionately called me recently, and detest being stagnant. My husband has accused me of having shark syndrome. “When you stop swimming, you die,” he’s said. For me to work so hard on something, and make such slow progress, is downright depressing.

By the second half of February I was in a dark place. There was something else at work, too. When you eat to process and/or mask your emotions and then you stop, you need to replace it with something. We as people love to tell people to stop doing things; stop drinking, stop smoking, but we don’t tell people what to do instead. We drink, smoke, and eat for a reason! Take those things away and we have no choice but to feel really uncomfortable emotions we’ve tried so hard to hide from.

That’s what happened to me. I didn’t replace my eating with a healthy alternative and I was left feeling rundown, raw, and really fucking sad. I desperately needed something else to work on, but was too depressed and tired from working so hard. I was also afraid that if I shifted my focus, I’d lose any progress I made.

“What you’re doing is really, really hard,” my counselor said sympathetically as I sat across from her quiet and crying.

We agreed I could use some help from my Prozac, so I decided to take it every day, at least for a little while, instead of only the two weeks before my period to ease my PMDD.

Within a week, I felt better. And then March was upon us and the urge to create this new website overcame me like a virus. I was sick with excitement and desire and motivation. And so for two solid weeks I spent every spare moment working on this site. I was overjoyed. My need to NOT be stagnant was being met. I was moving forward, making progress, and it was happening quickly.

Once I finished the site, I realized that after two solid months, weight loss was no longer my primary focus. I had shifted my priority to the website and the most incredible thing happened. I didn’t gain weight. The weight loss efforts went on auto pilot and ran in the background. I had created space for something else.

I was able to do this because I spent two months creating habits and for once, they took! I cooked, I meal planned, I exercised. But since those things were habit, they didn’t require so much thought and energy anymore! I almost gave up that second month, but I stuck with it. Now, I am beginning to reap the benefits, and it’s glorious.

Welcome to The Cracking Nut blog’s new home! This new website has been a long time coming. My intention was to transition in January, 2015! But ya know, life… and procrastination… and fear… and getting too comfortable. Isn’t that so often why we end up staying where we are?

If you’ve been redirected here, you’re in the right place, no worries, and will find all The Cracking Nut posts here safe and sound. The journey continues, I assure you, but with my own name, rather than The Cracking Nut. Using my own name will allow me some added freedom, but also it just makes my life much easier and will help streamline things, like branding and marketing.

If you’re anything like me, you do things when you make up your mind to and then God help whoever tries to stop you. So it was with this new site. Despite having been paying for hosting and a domain for over a year, it wasn’t until February when it really started to bug me. I felt stagnant. I needed a new project.

Then it was decided. I had never used, let alone seen WordPress, had absolutely zero experience with web design, and had nothing but an article bookmarked a year ago to inform me how to transfer the blog. But I had made up my mind to get to work anyway.

I delayed so long because the task was daunting. As The Cracking Nut grew in number of blog posts and popularity, the thought of starting over and figuring out a seamless transition was enough to make my stomach hurt. I experienced every thought I wrote back in October’s post, Stop Delaying the Pursuit of Your Dreams. I don’t know how to start. I’m not ready. I don’t know what I’m doing.

But I decided to make this site a priority and started with a phone call to my web host, one small step, which set the next two weeks in motion spending every spare moment hard at work. Because I practice what I preach over here, when I want something bad enough, I work hard for it.

I am astounded by what I have learned in so short of a time. It’s as if two weeks ago I didn’t know the alphabet and today finished Dostoyevsky. Hopefully you know by now I don’t say this to brag by any means — how little I knew is quite embarrassing, actually. I tell you to remind you that you have no idea what you can achieve in as short a time as two weeks as long as you make a commitment and prioritize!

So, welcome! I very much hope you like the new set up and use of categories and search field to help you find the most beneficial posts. I’d love to hear what you think in the comments or you can drop me a line via the “Contact” page (fancy pants!).

THANK YOU one million times for your continued support.

Let the journey continue…

I’ve been sick for an entire week… achey, tired, coughy, sneezy. On top of not feeling well physically, I feel dejected and unmotivated. The excitement of the new year has worn off. I’m uninspired and stagnant.

I’ve spent all of January focusing on my weight loss efforts. I’ve exercised at least once  for every day of 2016, including while sick. I continue meal planning and cooking, and reading what I call my “diet books” and meeting with my counselor. I knew weight loss would be my primary focus in the new year, but then why did I feel badly after a phone conversation with my brother last week when I realized I had nothing new to share?

Is there really nothing else going on? Am I up to nothing but trying to lose weight?

I only worked one full day of work last week, but I struggled to lay in bed. Every day or afternoon I was home felt like an opportunity to get ahead. I have a website to build that I have been paying for for over a year. There are blog posts to write and an essay about an experience I had so long ago that the details are starting to get hazy, 50,000 words of a novel I haven’t touched since November 30… I should have worked on these things – I was home.

But I was sick and worn out and unmotivated and needed to REST. My body was talking to me and I have learned to listen to it. So I napped, watched television, read, and cross stitched. I didn’t pressure myself to perform or produce. I know deep down it was the right choice, yet here I sit feeling… guilty? Disappointed?

What is this malaise?

Last week I sat in my counselor’s office feeling this same way. Unenergized. She noted the contrast between my attitude then and our previous session when I was excited over all my efforts. “I don’t know what it is,” I said. “It’s not fun or exciting anymore.”

“You know this is precisely the point when most people quit, right?” she said.

I sat with that for a moment. Five weeks in boredom has begun to breath its heavy sighs. Skepticism that any of this is working seeps around corners. Distractions threaten to derail my focus. I’m settling in to this new routine, which is no longer that new and my behaviors are on the cusp of becoming habit, but the energy I have invested is waning. It made perfect sense that I felt disheartened.

“I can’t quit. I won’t.”

I haven’t quit on my weight loss efforts and I don’t intend to. Until today I still felt unmotivated and disinterested, though. Thankfully, I have friends to point out the obvious things I can’t see like the fact I’m physically drained and still fighting something off, that work has been challenging, I have two big events the next two weekends, and I’m “not getting to focus as much on the things that feed [my] soul.” Also, that it’s February. It’s cold and dark and there’s little to look forward to.

Basically, I realize now that there are variables in play that I hadn’t planned for.

Steve Hickman wrote in the December, 2015 issue of Mindful in his essay titled “Take Your Mind for A Walk”:

“We are often like [a] young child, clutching the levers and pressing the buttons of our own lives with all our might, carefully trying to coax a desired course out of the chaos of life, but who are we kidding? How much control do we really have, and how much energy do we invest in trying to control and contrive outcomes that we are convinced are right, or good, or imperative? And while we can chart our course and connect with an intention to move in desired directions, there are often circumstances beyond our control and all we can do is navigate them like whitewater rapids, clinging tenuously to our intentions and keeping our eyes on the prize.” 

I’m navigating my own rapids. It’s winter, I’ve been cooped up indoors, I’m not feeling well, I’m adjusting to a new routine and entering the point when it’s no longer new and exciting, I’m not writing enough or doing other things that feed my soul. But I must weather the storm and keep my eye on the prize.

These aren’t excuses, because I haven’t done anything that requires excusing. These are facts. The bottom line is, I need to keep trucking. This is the doldrums. This is when the going gets tough and that’s why this is when people quit. But I won’t be one of them.

I weighed in today. I’m down another 4.4 pounds. Lent starts tomorrow and I’ve decided to commit to spending a minimum of seven hours per week on my novel. I’m also going to the ocean on Sunday to feed my soul.

I’m keeping my eye on the prize, clinging tenuously to my intentions. But in the meantime, I’ll do what I can to help navigate the course.