Happy New Year! How’s everyone doing? I am relieved the holidays are officially over and I can finally settle back into a routine, albeit a new and re-energized one.

Although I decided not to write out resolutions for the year, it’s been quite clear already within a week where my priorities are. Therefore, I want to share with you the tools I am using and finding most helpful as I begin anew.

DIET & EXERCISE:

1. This simple little color-by-number print-out:

My brother shared this with me a little while back. In case it isn’t obvious to you yet, I LOVE CHALLENGES. I am such a fan of being challenged by something with clear rules and defined start and end dates. Also, carrots at the end of sticks keep me motivated.

This print-out is on my fridge. The rules are simple: get a minimum of thirty minutes of activity 100 days in a row. Every day you do, color in the corresponding number. Who knew coloring could be so motivating! Forget long term goals of being thin, I want to exercise so I can go home and color in a shoe!! It’s the instant gratification; the equivalent of wearing a gold star! Needless to say, numbers 1 – 6 are all colored in and I’ll be damned if I finish 100 days with an incomplete shoe.

2. Biggest Loser:

My gym does a 10-week biggest loser weight loss challenge a few times a year. You pay to join and the prize pot is quite generous! I’ve signed up.

3. Books:

I’ve hit a road block with A Course in Weight Loss, but I have committed to tackling lesson 6 again (I wasn’t happy with my first try and didn’t feel I gave it the attention it deserved) and moving on with the 21 spiritual lessons.

I’m also working my way through the exercises in The Beck Diet Solution at the suggestion of my counselor. This book represents the cognitive therapy approach that is resonating with me so much. I’m already discovering new useful tools, like my advantages response card I had to write in lesson one. This is a written list of the reasons why I want to be thin that I read a few times a day. It’s been a helpful reinforcement.

I’m also using The 3-Day Reset as my chosen diet, which is based on the concept of giving up certain foods one at a time (like processed sugar, wheat, high quantities of salt) for three days and then incorporating them back into the diet at a much smaller percentage. The philosophy reminds me of Michael Pollan’s: Eat food, mostly vegetables, not too much.

ADVENTURE:

1. Day trip/outing grab bag:

Last year I had many new experiences as I took back my life. When I reflected on my favorite memories of 2015, many of those experiences were among the top: stand up paddleboarding, a trip to Vermont, bicycling Delaware Canal State Park, full moon kayaking…

These new experiences made me feel alive; they confirmed I’m not living the same day over and over and calling it a life. So I had been thinking I should aim to visit at least one new place or to do a new activity every month. Then that idea became even better after being inspired by my brother and sister-in-law’s basket of travel dreams. I decided that in order to ensure I see and do more new things this year, I’d create a basket full of day trip and outing ideas, as well as some activities I’d like to try. Although not as significant as traveling to other countries, I think this is a great start. I’ll pull an idea at the start of every month and make sure it happens. We all know how time gets away from us. This will be my way of making sure I at least have twelve new experiences this year.

FINANCES/MINIMALISM:

1. EatByApp:

This one is to help with my desire to spend less and waste less. This is a really cool app I’ve just discovered. Have you ever forgotten about vegetables in the crisper drawer or a half ball of mozzarella sitting in water in a Tupperware in the back of the fridge or a delicious healthy dinner you intentionally made extra of to freeze but it sat too long and got freezer burned? Well, if you load your food into the app with when you want to eat it by, it will sort the contents of your fridge/freezer/pantry by the eat by date. You’ll know what to eat next and also won’t forget about food anymore.

This app is already a game changer in my house. I detest wasting food (and money).

*I promise I’m not affiliated with the EatByApp in any way. Just a big fan. 

2. #minsgame:

My minimalism challenge is in full swing with 33 participants from all over the world! I love starting the year by getting rid of crap and it’s so energizing to see so many people doing the same!

So there you have it. Six days into 2016 and this is what I’m up to.  I’d love to hear about useful tools you’re using to keep motivated. With the proper tools, so much can be accomplished. A whole lot can happen in a year.

The first and last days of the year are my favorite days of the year. On one is all the hope, excitement, and motivation the dawn of a fresh page brings. On the other, all the reflection and gratitude only the end of a last chapter creates.

Every year is another volume in an amazing chronicle detailing our lives. My 2014 Volume may be called The Darkest Days, but I’ve decided to name 2015: I Became a Better Person. 

By “better” I mean the standard definition: “less unwell; partly or fully recovered from illness, injury, or mental stress.” It’s so fitting. In 2014 I don’t think I could have felt more unwell or more mentally stressed. I was injured and ill on levels that permeated my soul and transformed me into someone I hardly recognized.

But the dawn of 2015 came and I was inspired and motivated to continue the journey I embarked on in late November, 2014. I spent the entirety of 2015 on a wonderful path, navigating my history and future, learning about myself and others, challenging myself repeatedly, picking up tools and skills, and learning from others who have walked their own paths. It was a year well spent and I am a better person for it. My heart is full of gratitude that I was able to walk this earth another year.

Between this blog, my Happiness Jar and three journals, which serve different purposes (2 of which are 5-year journals so my previous entry is directly above the new entry), I have a detailed record of the year. I will record 2016 in the same manner. I enjoy keeping these journals. They are something to learn from, but also a wonderful reminder of how far I’ve come.

And that’s so important – recognizing progress. The new year isn’t just a time for lamenting all the things we didn’t accomplish; it’s a time to acknowledge our own evolution. 2015 felt bigger and longer to me than any year before it. The daily journaling caused me to reflect on all the thousands of little things I experienced. As a result, I don’t look back on the year and see only the extreme highs and lows – I see all of it; all the small pleasures and peaceful days; minor accomplishments, as well as setbacks.

I see a year well spent.

The new year is also a time to reflect on what we set out to do at the start and assess how we did. As for my seven written 2015 goals, I only failed horribly at one — losing weight. Everything else – not too bad, I’m happy to report. Some room for improvement, but definitely not too shabby. I’ve certainly been more consistent than I ever have before and that is a tremendous accomplishment in and of itself. EVOLUTION.

As for the weight, well, at least I didn’t gain any. I’m pretty much ending exactly where I started. Although it took an entire year to figure out, I think I finally understand why I keep failing at losing weight, and what the root of the problem is. I am excited to report I will be trying some things differently. Spoiler alert: I’ve already begun. After all, isn’t the definition of crazy trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

So losing weight will be another primary goal for 2016. I may continue to write about the process from time to time because the tools I’m learning apply to all areas of life and are helpful to everyone.

As for other goals… I don’t know. And I am totally okay with that.

So many positive things have naturally become a part of my life over the past year that I don’t feel the need to express their continuation as “goals.” I know I will continue writing here weekly. I know I will continue practicing yoga and meditation, although I’d like to do both more often. I know I will continue to not smoke cigarettes regularly and will work to not do so socially, either.

I will also continue to write (my goal for 2015 was to submit three stories/essays for professional publication). Well, I submitted two.

But one of them was published! Please save the date: February 9, 2016. My story “One for the Road” will appear in Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Very Good, Very Bad Dog. That news was certainly a highlight!

I may have only submitted two stories, but I did something in 2015 that was not even remotely on my radar at the start. I participated in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and drafted a 50,000 word novel.

So yeah, that two out of three thing – I’m cool with it.

Which brings me to something else I learned this year. Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans. I’m all about goals and challenges and plans. I LOVE them. But I’ve relaxed a bit. I realize they’re more like guidelines. I didn’t submit three stories, but I drafted a freaking novel.

See my point?

Whether or not I write several goals down for 2016, I know I’ll be alright. It’s all part of the process, though, to figure that out. I know what I want to do (travel more, save more, etc.) and what I have to do (lose weight, continue writing, etc.). But write it down? I think I’ll pass this year.

I will continue to do what works, including minimizing my belongings. You may recall that last year I ran a Minimalism Challenge #minsgame created by The Minimalists. I found that starting the year by getting rid of crap and getting organized set a lovely tone for the year. (You can read about it here.)

Well, we’re playing again! Please click here to visit the Facebook event and read the very simple rules. It’s a lot of fun!

So that’s that. Tomorrow night this year will be behind us and we will wake up on Friday to a fresh page. Let’s all make it a year well spent.

Happy New Year!

Greetings from Nockamixon State Park in Pennsylvania! I am typing this post from my corner in the common room at the hostel I am staying at with four fellow South Jersey Writers.

I am thrilled to report that I have hit the 25,000 word mark for NaNoWriMo. I promised myself I would not do anything else until I hit that milestone, so I’m finally taking a break from my novel and updating you with my progress. I have written 8,140 words since arriving Friday night and many of them are decent. I slowed it down immensely, going back to my preferred style of writing (which includes self-editing) and focused on content rather than word count.

But enough about that.

Did you know it was from this very hostel in the woods that I launched this blog last November? Yes, she turns one this month! I am filled with excitement and pride. With this blog I took an idea and turned it into something real. I committed to jumping in and launching it, unsure if I could really sustain it or if anyone would read it, and if they did, what they would think of me. I did it anyway and for one solid year I have nurtured and fed and watered this blog, and in return it has given me a sense of purpose and has helped me grow from seed to seedling.

I had wanted to start this blog for a while before I actually did. Something delayed me and it had nothing to do with content or desire.

It had to do with my weight.

I wanted professional photos for when I made my debut as a blogger. I wanted to lose weight first so I kept putting off the photo shoot. I delayed a major goal of mine because I thought I was too fat to have my photo taken.

In some fortunate moment of clarity, I decided to finally have the photos taken anyway. The one of me in the sidebar and on the “About” page are from that shoot. It was taken last November. I weigh more now than I did in those photos, most unfortunately. But I tell you that because if I didn’t realize how silly it was and kept waiting to be thinner before having my photos taken in order to launch a blog, I would still be waiting an entire year later.

See my point?

Thank you so very much for being a part of my journey this past year. Loyal readers are what energized this blog and helped push me to improve so I’d have experiences to share. Your comments and support have encouraged me immensely. Thank you, sincerely. I am so grateful for your support. I am excited for the year ahead as we continue to nurture our seedlings and grow together. This blog isn’t going anywhere, but up.

Sitting here it is not lost on me that last November I started this blog and this November I am drafting a novel. In the span of one year I have taken control over the pursuit of my dreams and I am exponentially happier as a result. That’s the journey: to be happier and live a more meaningful life.

A more official birthday post will be coming on November 22nd, this blog’s official birthday, so stay tuned. Thank you for bearing with me during NaNoWriMo, the part of the journey when I pull off to the side of road and write furiously for a month.

I’ll be packing up and heading back on the metaphorical road in December.

Much love and gratitude to all of you.

Excitement courses through my veins and I have this sharpness and clarity. I think a little quicker, see a little clearer, and move a little faster. My energy is increased and I marvel at my speed and accuracy; my discipline and focus, as I extend my days and check off goals and to-dos, as if they were items on a grocery list. My productivity for everything has never been so high. My happiness equates to only that of first falling in love.

This is the high of creative magic. This was what I experienced all last week.

Ten days into National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and the creative magic has, most unfortunately, worn off. I spent a day and a half fighting to get it back, racking my brain for solutions to the problems in my story structure. Desperation to feel that magic once more was my primary motivator.

But now, after the worst of the withdrawal, I am motivated once again by my goal. I heard that most people quit in the second week, which means my scenario and frustrations are not unique. That is both comforting and sad. The first week is all excitement, but then we soon realize this undertaking is really fucking hard. It’s not so different than New Years resolutions. For that first week everyone is pumped.

“This is it! This is my year! I’m going to meet my goals! I’m taking back my life!”

After a week, most people have already resigned to the fact that no, this isn’t going to be their year. This is precisely why we often end up living the same year over and over and calling it a life.

I refuse to be someone who gives up after a week. Giving up on this goal hasn’t even occurred to me, because not being a writer has never occurred to me.

I am so grateful I decided to participate in NaNoWriMo. It’s the perfect time to take on drafting a novel because there is so much amazing energy globally around writing, and so many resources available. I have learned more in the past ten days about story structure than I have in the past five years. That is because I’m learning by doing.

Although incredibly frustrating and demotivating, I am happy to know NOW where my problems are so I can address them and rework them, instead of after years of planning and thinking about something, only to realize ten days in that it doesn’t work.

If you have an idea you want to write, something you want to build, or something you want to paint, my advice to you is: START NOW.

You can read all you want about building, writing and painting or anything else, but until you start putting brush to canvas, or pen to page, you’re not making any progress. And I assure you, no matter how much you read, you’ll soon realize that you have no idea what you’re doing, just like I realized with my novel. I say that with laughter, but it isn’t a joke.

I’m going to keep working toward my goal of 50,000 words. Hopefully the creative magic finds me again. I have already learned that it’s not about the words. In striving for those words, you are forced to plot, develop your characters, do research AND write. The words are the fruits of having been forced to figure shit out. So if I keep striving for 50,000 words, I know I’ll need to figure out my story structure. I’m many steps closer to that thanks to getting derailed and refusing to quit. I will figure out how to get things back on track.

I want to have a novel. Therefore, I’ll need to write one. Now is just as good as a time as any to make that happen.

What do you want that you’ve never had? Maybe it’s time to do something you’ve never done before, like get started.

Stuck is a terrible state of mind.

To be perfectly honest, I have felt stuck for quite some time despite all the work I’m doing. I suppose someone who isn’t stuck wouldn’t embark on a journey such as this, so perhaps this comes as no surprise.

For me, stuck feels as if I’ve been confined to one room. I have cleaned the room, painted it, decorated it, re-arranged it… I’ve done all I can think of to make it suit me and help make it more habitable… to help it make me happy.

Then I decide it just won’t do, so I pack it all up to prep for my departure. There’s a door, plain as day. But despite feeling stuck, I’m used to the room. It’s familiar. I don’t know what’s outside the door, so I unpack my belongings and remain, temporarily relieved by my decision. But in no time I’m back to coming up with new and creative ways to change the space, repeating the cycle over and over, remaining within those four walls…

That’s what it’s like to be stuck. Be it a job, relationship, location… it happens to the best of us. We acknowledge we don’t like our situation, so we try our best to change it in the safest ways we know because we’re too afraid to abandon it completely, no matter how much we may tell ourselves otherwise.

Becky Vollmer of You Are Not Stuck understands this state of mind all too well. She, too was once stuck. Stuck in the wrong marriage and the wrong job, drinking too much to help her cope. On her website she asks:

• Do you wake up in the morning dreading the day ahead?

• Do you continue unhealthy or unproductive habits and patterns, even though you know they’re not moving you forward?

• Do you feel powerless to control your future? Do you feel bound by your past?

• Do you ever wonder how on earth you got to such an unhappy place?

• Do you have a mental laundry list of reasons why you CAN’T POSSIBLY
  change your circumstances (“I can’t afford to…”, “I don’t know how…”,
  “People would laugh/be angry/think I’m crazy if…”)?

• Do you talk yourself
  out of a dream before you take even a tiny step toward it?

If your answers are ‘yes,’ you are stuck, too.

Unsticking is HARD. It’s hard because it requires a massive jolt, like from an engine forcing the rusted cogs of  an ancient mighty machine to life, dust raining down while the walls shake with deafening duress. It takes something BIG.

Sometimes it feels as if we require a sheer force of nature to unstick us. We can’t muster the tremendous courage it takes so we plan and prepare, much like I’ve been redecorating and packing my little metaphorical room, and then wait for the Universe to do the rest. This has been my strategy. I truly believe that things happen when they are meant to and that everything that needs to happen, happens.

The Universe, and time, has managed to help unpeel me a little bit. I’m like an old Post-it that was moved around so much that the sticky stuff wore off in one corner, never to stick completely again. Knowing I can flutter in a strong wind is incredibly liberating and empowering. Over time, I’ll continue to unstick little by little.

Some people possess the tremendous courage to unstick themselves all at once, like the swift pull of a Band-Aid. My brother, Joey recently did this when he quit his well-paying job to pursue his passion of creating his own schedule, helping people out, and working outdoors.

It seems people like my brother and Becky Vollmer possess two characteristics:

• Courage to take a chance
• Faith that things will work out

Becky writes that “the path to getting unstuck starts with changing our mindset… reframing
the questions… repatterning our actions. And it’s never too late to
start.” She writes that it’s about:

• Believing that anything – and everything – is possible.

• Having the confidence to walk toward our dreams, even if the first steps are on tiptoe.

• Trusting our instincts and intuitions about what feels wrong – and, more importantly, what feels right.

• Understanding that we have the power to change the direction of our
  circumstances and our futures, believing that we do indeed have choices
  and then finding the courage to make them.

• Knowing the difference between obligation and opportunity.

• Being able to say “no” with grace to the things you don’t want in your
  life so that you can say “yes” with enthusiasm to those you do.

After writing this post, I realize I’m further on my way to becoming unstuck than I thought. I have been unsticking myself, albeit slowly, for the past year. I see now the act of creating this blog and starting on this journey was an act of unsticking, in and of itself. I was scared when I started this blog. I worried what people would think. But I found the courage and I took a chance.

And now I’ve found the courage to pursue my dream of writing a novel – to give it a shot for a minimum of one month. I believe writing a novel is possible and I’m going to walk toward that dream. I recognized the opportunity in National Novel Writing Month and I am saying “no” to some things in my life in order to prioritize this goal.

There are aspects of my life where I’m more stuck than others. For example, I still feel very stuck in my body, continuing unhealthy and unproductive habits and patterns, even though I know they’re not moving me forward. I’m trying. I’m also aware where I’m stuck. Hopefully that’s half the battle when it comes to being stuck, too.

Do you know where you’re stuck?

I don’t have the answers for becoming unstuck. All I know is that we need to be brave and go after what we want. First we have to know what that is, though. So if you’re unhappy, try to hone in on what it is that’s making you unhappy. When we’re depressed, it’s easy to become dissatisfied with everything. I know from experience. So, try to focus on each separate aspect of your life and determine what changes can be made more simply to begin unpeeling yourself from a sticky situation. Once a corner is peeled back, you may find the rest of the unsticking to be easier.

Also, be sure to check out You Are Not Stuck for inspiration and/or like it on Facebook for everyday encouragement to becoming unstuck.

Together, with support, we can help each other to become unstuck.

If you’re not dedicating time and effort to your dreams, you’re delaying them from happening. It’s as simple as that. 

There are hundreds of reasons why we procrastinate pursuing our dreams, many of them having to do with the voices in our head.

Am I scared? Yes. Do I have time for this? No, not really. Am I ready? Nope. But in order to realize them, we must make our dreams a priority. NaNoWriMo is the perfect time because I am able to take a lofty goal and make it a S.M.A.R.T. goal, as in it’s: specific (draft a novel), measurable (50,000 words), attainable (sure, why not), realistic (technically, yes) and timely (one month).

Support is so important, but not required. Thankfully, my husband is on board. That isn’t to say I wouldn’t pursue this if he wasn’t, but it makes life easier. He understands the time commitment and we know we need to work together. There is also so much support during NaNoWriMo from other writers, including writing events, challenges, word wars, etc. If you want to participate, check out NaNoWriMo.org, search on your region (anywhere in the world) and find events happening in your area. 

I believe my dream is worth one month of prioritization. Yes, it will be challenging, but I know I can do hard things. It’s time to stop delaying and get started, which is often the hardest step. There are a hundred excuses for not doing this, but only one why I should. This is my dream and it’s worth it! That one reason outweighs all the others so it’s time to jump in and put fingers to keyboard. I have roughly three weeks to plan and then it’s go time. 

What is your dream? Silence the voice of excuses, face your fear, claim your time, make the pursuit a priority and GET STARTED. Your dream is worth it. 

YOU are worth it.  

Wonderful readers, I am headed toward a perfect week! A “perfect” day for me is one in which I have exercised, eaten only foods that are good for me, meditated, and not smoked any cigarettes. (I confess I have taken up the occasional cigarette on weekends when socializing and it needs to STOP.) A “perfect” day may still be one in which I felt emotional upset or experienced something bad, but as long as I accomplished those four things, it can be dubbed ‘perfect.’ I keep careful track and I am so excited that this is finally happening!

For some of you, this may seem like no big deal, but I have never been skilled at consistency. I need this perfect week to prove to myself that I can do hard things, and to get some traction. I feel amazing – energized, happy, proud, relaxed, hopeful – my body is loving it and working at full efficiency. I lost 3.3 lbs. so far this week. Everything is working as it should, proving once and for all that I am the only thing holding me back from my goals. Achieving this perfect week puts me on a whole different playing field. It means I am ready to perform at a higher level. It means I CAN DO THIS!

I have been attempting the coveted perfect week all year. What makes this week different? I will tell you one thing; it sure as hell has nothing to do with luck. And it had nothing to do with bad luck either all the times I screwed up. It has only had to do with ME. My lack of willpower and discipline. My excuses.

We have a tendency to look for excuses when we fail: bad luck, Mercury retrograde, so and so pissed me off, unexpected plans, bad news, etc. It takes the responsibility off of ourselves and puts the blame elsewhere so we can justify our actions (or lack thereof). In doing so, we make ourselves a victim. But we’re not at the mercy of what other people do to us, or bad luck, or poor timing or anything else. We are responsible for our actions and whether or not we plan accordingly.

I am taking responsibility right now by saying that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY SUCCESS THIS WEEK! I have worked really, really hard managing my triggers and shortcomings and not giving in to weakness and emotions or laziness and excuses. I have meal-planned, cooked, worked out when I was tired, made time for meditation, and practiced discipline using all the tools at my disposal and everything I have learned so far from A Course in Weight Loss.

I have gotten ahead of tricky situations by planning offensively. I went out for Thursday night football this week. I succeeded in not drinking like a fish or eating my weight in nachos because I mentally prepared myself in advance. I decided I was not going to let one night out ruin my perfect week. Football and bad menu choices are not valid excuses. It was HARD. I left the restaurant feeling weary, but victorious.

Successful people don’t succeed because they have good luck. Unsuccessful people aren’t “unlucky.” Let’s give credit where it is due. My brother and sister-in-law are currently retired and traveling the world. They don’t have amazing luck – they planned for that goal for five years.

There’s an amazing side effect that occurs once you realize that luck is not responsible for your success. You can RELAX.

For most of my life, I felt incredibly anxious whenever things were going well. I was much more comfortable when things were bad; it was comforting. When they were good, I waited for my luck to run out. A friend of mine said to me thirteen years ago, “You’re not waiting for the shoe to drop, you’re waiting for the entire shoe factory to drop.” That always stuck with me. He was right. That fear is what prevented me from getting comfortable in relationships, and caused me to behave in self-destructive ways. Causing my own misfortune helped me to feel like I had control over my life.

But now I finally know that I am in control. Bad things can and will happen, but I am in control of how I handle those situations and whether or not I allow them to derail me. I am not a victim of circumstance. Nor are you.

You, and only you, are responsible for the outcomes in your life.

We all want to support our best friends and closest loved ones the best we know how. We also want to feel supported by them in return. It’s not always easy though, because just like how we all speak different primary love languages, I realize we all speak different primary support languages. Do you know how you feel best supported? Do you know your go-to support method when you’re the one doing the supporting?

Many of us lean towards one of two directions, I think. Borrowing my friend Kathy’s words, I will refer to these methods as “Mom” and “Dad.” For example, in times of stress or sorrow, do you have a tendency to skip over sympathy and jump right in with advice or attempt to come up with ways to solve the problem? That’s the ‘Dad’ method. Or are you a hugger, back rubber, and more likely to sympathize and listen? That’s the ‘Mom” method. (Yes, I am generalizing.)

I have had a tendency to crave the ‘Mom’ method for myself when I’m hurting, but speak the ‘Dad’ method when offering support. I am action-oriented. When I am clear-headed, I am a problem solver. But when I’m not, like when I’m upset, I don’t want to answer questions and take advice. That kind of support often makes me feel worse. When I’m upset I want a great big hug and to be told everything will be okay, or something like “Damn, Jess, that (insert any of one million upsetting things here) really sucks and I’m sorry that happened.” Oftentimes the offer to beat someone up for me makes me smile and speeds up the healing process. Oh, and a good joke.

I know this because I have been thinking about support a lot lately. At times I have felt poorly supported, but it has recently occurred to me: Have I made it clear how I want to be supported? Have you? I also realize I have been a crappy supporter at times, not for lack of trying, but for lack of offering what the person needed. 

As I become more mindful and practice listening (really listening), I have worked on doing two things:

1. Expressing my expectations (saying how best to support me):

Recently I wanted to confide something to Kathy, but I hesitated because Kathy has a tendency to ask tough questions and make me do work, like hard work, that I wasn’t interested in doing yet because I was still processing. She’s not so much ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’, but more like ‘High Priestess/Therapist/Earth Angel’.

So I said, “Kathy, I want to tell you something, but I don’t want to do The Work and I don’t want to answer a lot of questions.” Then I told her ‘something’, and she supported me perfectly, exactly the way I needed because she is an amazing friend. I think she would have supported me the same even if I hadn’t told her what I needed, but it was better for me to be clear, I think. And even though I didn’t ask her to offer to beat someone up for me, my wonderful, petite friend offered anyway.

Don’t worry so much about how people will interpret your expressing your expectations. Communication prevents confusion. Several days later Kathy and I were still on the topic of support and she said with a laugh, “People judge way more when they don’t know what the fuck’s going on.” She’s right.

2. Being ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’:

People like to vent; it’s good for them. Most people, in my experience, don’t want you to help solve their problems, at least not right away. Most people want to be heard, and they want their problem validated, whether you consider it deserving or not. Validation does not mean you agree or approve. Validation is simply recognition. I may not consider a stained expensive shoe worth getting upset over, but I can at least recognize how that could be upsetting.

I have oftentimes made upsetting matters far worse by failing to be supportive in the way someone needed. For example, my mom has a lot of physical pain and she often breaks down in conversation because it is upsetting and debilitating to be in pain all the time. I often failed to sympathize with her. I would jump right in with suggestions. “Did you try this? Did you try that?” Since she wasn’t in the mood for advice and suggestions, she’d often get more upset and then I’d accuse her of not helping herself and we’d both wind up feeling awful. I see now she only needed someone to listen and be sympathetic.

Now I try harder to be ‘Mom’ first by sympathizing and listening, even though it isn’t my inclination. I also try to empathize by putting myself in their shoes.

Afterward I ask if there’s anything I can do, and I offer the obvious. “I can call a few dry cleaners in the area and see if they can get the stain out?” Whether my help or advice is requested or accepted, I make it known I am available for help or to listen.

I’m trying to be a more supportive person. But I still struggle when I don’t feel supported. I know I need to be able to support myself, but that still doesn’t take away the desire to feel supported by my loved ones. I also know the root of suffering is attachment and I’m attached to my desire to be supported in certain ways. I have tried making it clear, but what happens when you explain how you’d like to be supported, and you still don’t receive that support? That’s where the suffering comes in.

What about support over dreams and goals?

If you were about to rock climb a tall wall, would you want:

a. Someone at the top reaching for you to pull you up?
b. Someone below you, giving you a boost?
c. Someone alongside you taking every step with you?
d. Someone on the ground cheering you on?
e. Someone at home who gave you the space to do this on your own?

I feel best supported when I am encouraged and when there is an expressed interest in what I am doing. I don’t need someone to rock climb with me. I want someone to believe I can climb the wall, tell me so, and whether I fail or succeed, to ask about my experience and care about my response. That’s the support I desire.

What do you think when you hear these phrases?

When standing alone, they are motivating and inspiring. But it seems they are most often uttered when someone is on the fence regarding something debaucherous, risky, or extravagant. Perhaps you’re considering bungee jumping, purchasing a designer handbag, or entering a 20-scoop ice cream eating challenge. A friend may exclaim any number of those sayings as a means to coax you into doing it. We only have this one life – may as well do it up right. Right?

I don’t know…

Over the weekend I was contemplating ordering a macaroni and cheese grilled cheese sandwich at a place known for its grilled cheese. (When in Rome!) A big hunk of baked mac n’ cheese between slices of gooey cheddar and sandwiched between grilled buttered sourdough bread – YUM! I totally wanted it in my belly. My soul, however, desperately wants to be healthy. Then I got to thinking… If life really is short, and I use that excuse to indulge, I will never be healthy. What if my life turns out to be long? I will have lived a long life never having been healthy because I was too busy living in the moment.

I ordered a Greek salad.

I understand this isn’t exactly living in the moment because I was considering my future. But I think this is where the balance comes in, and balance is precisely my point. Had I ordered that grilled cheese, I am certain it would have been delicious, but I also think I would have immediately experienced buyer’s remorse and guilt (and probably a stomachache). Same with the handbag. If purchasing it overextends your budget, you’ll have a rough couple of weeks ahead of you. I don’t think we should live in the moment at the expense of sound logic or the immediate future no matter what fun catchphrase people come up with. #YOLO anybody?

Nor should we live a life of discipline and rigidity! Perhaps had I worked out the morning I was faced with the grilled cheese I would have ordered it and felt entitled to it and enjoyed every bite and felt no regrets (just the stomachache). If you’re spending birthday or tax money, go for it – buy the bag! There are times and places for everything. The wisdom is in knowing the difference. It doesn’t hurt to give your future moment the respect of some brief consideration. Just be flexible. Seldom are things really “now or never.” Assuming I live a little longer and the very popular restaurant doesn’t go out of business, I’ll have another chance to indulge in cheesy goodness. But for now, I am pleased with my decision.

I have always been an indulgent person, disregarding future moments to live in this moment. It takes a great amount of discipline and willpower on my part to break this cycle. It often seems as though I am hardwired to seek pleasure. In the face of pleasure my other wires seem to short out. This tendency to indulge has lead to a lot of suffering by way of guilt, regret, and shame.

These cliche sayings are often abused; used to pressure people into doing things they know they probably shouldn’t, or used as excuses to behave in certain ways. Yeah, life is short, but I am willing to bet you can do without trying cocaine or streaking through a police station. ‘Live in the moment’ is not free license to throw all judgement out the window or act like an asshole.

Use these phrases to positively motivate you instead. What do you really want to do? Allow yourself to be inspired to take action the way a friend might coax you into cliff jumping or to finally ask that nice guy who has been flirting with you out on a date. Start your novel, travel to Tahiti, bake a souffle… these things will not be regretted (assuming you can afford Tahiti. If you can’t, save!). Imagine your closest friend urging you on… imagine them saying “Life is short! Do it!!” 

We often indulge in things at the expense of the next moment. Lets not do this. Taking no action, however, also robs the very next moment of progress. Instead of one step forward, you’re still at the starting line. So live life in the moment, but do consider your immediate future.

I continue to be amazed by the timing and synchronicity of things. I can’t help but view these events as some sort of cosmic reassurance that I’m on the right track creating my own rituals, setting new moon intentions and working my way through A Course in Weight Loss to help overcome my emotional over-eating.

Thursday, the 16th was a new moon so I finalized my intentions for the new cycle the night before. Writing down my short term goals last moon cycle motivated me more than any trick or tool had before.  Maybe it was the physical act of writing them down and seeing them in black and white, or maybe it was the energy of the moon or the “officialness” of the ritual – making my intentions known and believing I could achieve them, rather than just half-assing them off to the void. I believe it was all three. Anyway, it was a productive and successful cycle. I did tough things, including a few exercises I had been putting off. I found that I wanted to get the hardest things done first, and I did.

My new motto has become “eat the frog first.” My lovely sister-in-law shared the motivational expression with me, one she had learned in business school, and it stuck. The idea is to just get it over with and do the hardest thing first. Everything seems easier after that – you don’t have to think about that task anymore. It’s like working out first thing in the morning. For the rest of the day, you’re off the hook.

I’ve actually been practicing this method for quite some time. Now I have a fun expression for it. I have a good friend who absolutely hates when I say this (and I do say it often). It’s funny to me, though considering he eats his food precisely in the order of what he likes least first, literally saving the best for last. I also rather finish my meal with the lingering taste of french fries in my mouth than frog guts. But I digress.

So I ate the frog first last moon cycle and included a hard thing for this moon cycle because I believe that if it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you, and if it doesn’t change you, you’re not making progress.

The “theme” of the last moon cycle was creativity, mindfulness and action. I felt that energy, creating my own rituals and taking action. I completed Lesson #1 in A Course in Weight Loss and moved on to the next, titled “Thin You, Meet Not-Thin You.” This lesson involves getting to know and love the part of you that overeats. I smiled when I read up on the “theme” of this new moon in Cancer: self-love and compassion.

Synchronicity, guys.

For Lesson #2, Marianne Williamson writes that Not-Thin You “is not your enemy; she is an unintegrated part of yourself. She is an aspect of you that is demanding to be seen and heard.” The point is to give her the love and attention she needs and deserves. “It does feel odd that we should honor a part of ourselves that we do not want, but Not-Thin You will not go away until she is listened to.”

Ever since the stress in my life reached all time highs and I put on 30 pounds of extra weight, I have sternly exclaimed that THIS (motioning to my body) is NOT me! “I feel like I am walking around in a fat suit!” I have been so conflicted feeling one way and looking another, going around defending myself. Then I realized through reading this book that I have been denying an entire dimension of myself and no wonder I was feeling so conflicted. “…and in a dysfunctional effort to numb the pain of the conflict, you’ve only created more of it.”

Bingo.

Since we can’t just love on command or turn off our anger, communication is necessary. So Lesson #2 calls for initiating an honest and transparent dialogue between Thin You and Not-Thin You.

So Thin Me wrote to Not-Thin Me and I laid it out on the table. To summarize, I took responsibility for all I had put us through, but expressed my disappointment in her inability to bounce back now that life isn’t as stressful. I told her she embarrasses me and holds me back, but also thanked her for getting up that mountain in Colorado with my brother that gained 1,400 feet of elevation in only 1.6 miles. I asked her what the fuck her problem is and pointed out all the things I have done to help her. I insisted she tells me what she needs. I told her I can’t move on with my life until she gets her shit together.

Then Not-Thin Me responded. She thanked me for all that I’m doing for her, especially getting our heart rate up more and working my way through this book. “I am stronger than I look,” she wrote. She pointed out that it’s not all her fault and cited specific examples where I’ve screwed up, “so stop blaming me for everything!” As for what she needs: attention. Patience, love, kindness, compassion. “Stop ignoring me and saying you’re not me because I hate to tell you this, but YOU are ME,” she wrote.

We are much closer to reconciliation. I realize now how wrong it was for me to deny her existence. Hopefully as she begins to feel safe, she will relax, and we can work together.

Again, I share these lessons not only for emotional eaters. This exercise translates to Happy You and Not-Happy You, Sober You and Drunk You, Adult You and Little-Kid You. Is there a dimension of yourself that you’re denying? Perhaps someone fighting for your attention? Open up the lines of communication, lay your side out there and see what they have to say. You may be surprised…

The exercises in this book and losing weight aren’t the only things I’m working on. Two days in to this moon cycle I ate my frog and the rest of my intentions seem like a cake walk (I’ll substitute some fruit for the cake). I am also happy to report that I will be submitting an essay for professional publication. (Wish me luck!)

What are your intentions for this moon cycle, this month, this week, or even just tomorrow? Eat your frog. It may suck at the moment, but think of how good you’ll feel afterward.