Being that November is National Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), I am hard at work drafting my first fiction novel (it is both daunting and exciting three days in). In order to help me prioritize on that writing, my good friend, Kathy offered to write another guest post.
In my last post, I wrote about feeling stuck and used a metaphorical room as an example. The post stemmed further discussion between Kathy and I and she raised many wonderful points about our need for a safe room when we do scary things, like work on ourselves. Following is her take on being stuck; things that had not occurred to me before, but left me feeling much better about my need for a safe room.
What if being stuck were only a physical condition, and our minds are free? What if the room that we‘re sitting in has no roof? So when I lean back, snuggled up with a soft blanket on a comfy couch, I take a deep breath, and look up at the stars? I need the safety of those four walls many times. Especially when I am doing the incredibly difficult work of self-analysis, growth, and personal expansion.
By Kathy M.
Instead of running away from something or running towards something, what if we just need a room to hang out in? A room that is familiar and safe. A room that allows free expression, as we move furniture and repaint walls and learn to see the new in the familiar?
I have learned to recognize the stages of personal growth to include needing that safety room. Needing to remain steady. To remain in a place of what seems like inaction when, in fact, I am gathering strength. I am training for the next big leap. Because growth is HARD. Growth takes energy. Growth is very close to grieving. It can be exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time.
Personal freedom is an interesting concept. A room can feel safe to one person and like a prison to another. What makes the difference? To the outsider looking in, there may not seem to be a difference. And yet that to me is the definition of personal growth. When we have evolved in our thinking, in our processing, when we can see the same situation on a deeper level; we are transforming ourselves.
I believe life situations that spark emotions of dissatisfaction are ripe with opportunity for investigation of one’s self. Asking why. Why is this bothering me? Why am I not at peace? Many times we externalize our pain so that it is the job or the husband or the friend who has made us feel stuck. I believe most of the time we are simply projecting onto someone or something else that which we are not ready to see in ourselves.
Byron Katie supports the idea of questioning, which Jessica has written about before in this link. If a thought or belief is bothering us, we need to sit and examine it. We need to use turn-arounds to help us see what we are not willing to see. A Course in Miracles teaches us that we are all living in our own movie. All of the people in our lives that hurt us or love us, or have something to teach us are only mirrors walking around us, fulfilling a spiritual agreement to help us grow and evolve spiritually. We are not only the star of our own movie; we are in fact the director and the writer. The key is to remember that our suffering is only the projected movie. When we separate from God, the true source and love—we suffer. When we are connected to that source—when we remember we are love; we are at peace.
Oprah recently featured a new series on her TV network called Belief, which explored humankind’s ongoing search to connect with something greater than ourselves. “What do you believe?” she asked at the beginning of each episode in a voice-over to stunning cinematography. The series followed individuals to various countries around the world, with various religions and spiritual beliefs, to uncover the very human experience of how we form our lives around our beliefs.If we believe we are inherently broken, how does that shape us? If we believe we are a blessed child of God, how does that shape our lives instead?
I believe having a support network is vital to any change. Facing our fears and taking action in spite of them is one of the most challenging decisions any of us can make. When we have to take that type of step without a support network, it not only feels utterly frightening, we risk traumatizing ourselves. If we don’t cushion ourselves to have a ‘soft landing’ after experiencing a heart wrenching experience, we can feel even more stuck than before. I have always told friends that as long as we are moving forward, even using ‘baby steps’ as my mother would advise, we are moving in the right direction. And I have always believed U-turns are permitted.
Yet remaining in one place externally doesn’t mean that we are not challenging ourselves; it doesn’t mean we’re not growing or progressing. I think sometimes there’s too much emphasis, particularly from those with privilege (a spouse or family member that can financially support one person following their dream for example) who have access to an audience, to persuade their listeners to ‘follow their dreams.’ Get that divorce, quit that job. I disagree.
Once it’s no longer about the husband or the boss, make whatever decision feels right. However I do believe that until we can come to a place of peace within those difficult situations, we will only repeat our patterns again with a new partner and a new boss.
The lessons that we are meant to learn don’t change over our lifetime. Many times I wish they did. Many times I encounter a familiar cross I have borne with complete and utter despair at recognizing it again. I thought I had that figured out already, I whine to myself. Discovering ourselves and what makes us tick is our life’s work. We all have an onion with endless layers to peel back. Unfortunately, as much as I have wished it, we never do get to trade in our onion for a different one. We simply continue to peel back those layers; sometimes encountering new revelations, many times revisiting lessons which we need to go back to and dig a bit deeper.
I have made dramatic jumps in my life, thinking that it would allow me to follow my dreams and lose my onion for good. This action is generally applauded by others. It can be inspiring for others to watch someone take the leap themselves. I have found after many jumps, bumps and jolts that no matter what we do to run away from our onion, it is always quietly waiting for us once we land.
So how do we believe that anything and everything is possible? Especially if we were not raised with that mindset? Watching the personal journeys through Oprah’s series illustrated the many paths that people have taken to connect with that very concept. For those of us who have experienced any type of trauma in our lives, we have a lot of soul cleansing to do. Love and forgiveness are two practices that can pave the way. Yet they are not singular emotions. To love and forgive anyone who has hurt us is an ongoing process. ‘One and done’ will not work. A Course in Miracles teaches that if an action is not one of love, it is a call to be loved. If we can love our husband as we ask for divorce; if we can love our boss as we hand in our resignation, that is where our own belief in our self grows.
Anyone we are unable to love or forgive is simply a projection of a piece of ourselves that we are unable to love or forgive. When we can recognize that — when we can remember that we are in this movie of our lives, so that we can wake up and discover the peace that already resides in us—when we can love and forgive ourselves; that is when we can sit in our room and feel peace.
