Today is a special day! Today marks the day that I have finally achieved something – something I have attempted and failed to accomplish countless times. Something that no matter how hard or how many times I tried, evaded me. But I never gave up! No, no I did not. And it is because of that practice and perseverance that today I am celebrating my 100th day cigarette-free. And it is glorious. I feel liberated and proud and I am giving myself credit and celebrating my achievement. That’s because our achievements and milestones are worth honoring.

No one, I repeat NO ONE, gets to decide what’s a big deal in our own lives except US. Many people may think that 100 days cigarette-free is no big feat. But I know it is! Because I know how hard this has been for me. I celebrate lots of things that most people probably don’t even think about, like going an entire work day without touching the potato chips on the kitchen table. Maybe it’s no big deal for most, but for me, that’s an eight hour endurance match against a tougher opponent. And you better believe that when I win, I give myself credit. Because I know how hard it was and I don’t invalidate things that hard for me, just because they may be easy for most people.

Quitting smoking has been really hard for me. 100 days is a new record for me and so I am celebrating. I will not diminish my achievement or hold off celebrating until I go a year. That’s because giving credit provides positive reinforcement and makes me feel good about my progress. It makes me want to keep going. It’s like, “Yeah, I got this!” The bigger deal I make of my success, the less likely I am to falter.

What are some of the struggles in your day to day life? What makes you feel like you kicked some ass? How can you celebrate those achievements?

I know I feel like a rock star when I get to my 5:45 AM yoga class, and when I don’t eat anything else for the rest of the night after dinner. Both things are pretty damn hard, so when I do them, I feel good! I give myself credit. I don’t talk down to myself anymore or make sarcastic comments like, “Took ya long enough!” or “Wow, great job doing what you should have been doing all along anyway.” Instead I say, “Nice job, Girl!”

I celebrate victories constantly. I give myself credit! A LOT! And you should too! Because we deserve credit and recognition from ourselves. It’s another way we can be a good, supportive friend to ourselves.

So in honor of my 100th day cigarette-free I took the above photo and am shouting from the proverbial mountain top that I AM 100 DAYS CIGARETTE-FREE!! I also bought myself four more succulents. The last time I bought them was in honor of my 100th blog post because that was a pretty cool thing worth honoring too. I like the symbolism of having a living, breathing thing to grow with me.

I’m proud of myself today. And I think I’m going to keep up the great work! (Pats self on back.)

Over the course of my wellness and recovery journey, I have developed many beneficial daily habits. For example, every day I make note of my happiest moment, answer a question provided in a daily journal, jot down a few lines about the day in a separate daily journal, and list three things I am most grateful for. I find that these habits combined help me to be more mindful and overall, much happier. This practice helps me take greater pleasure in the ordinary and find something special in every single day. It also helps to slow down time since I’m no longer living solely for life’s highlights.

Over the summer I had the idea to combine all these practices into one two year journal and publish it, so everyone can enjoy it. I am overjoyed to report that Questions For Life: Two Year Guided Daily Journal For Intentional Living is near completion and will be available for purchase soon.

From the journal: Do you ever reflect on life and feel like it’s all a blur? The Questions For Life two-year guided daily journal gets you in the habit of slowing down and reflecting on each day while getting to know yourself better by answering self-discovery questions. For each day there is space to reflect, express gratitude, capture your happiest moment, and answer a thought-provoking question. Completing the journal each day, which only takes a few minutes, will soon have you enjoying the simpler things in day to day life, living more intentionally and feeling happier!

This journal is designed so that you can start any time of the year. When you finish a full year, start over! Enjoy reading about the previous year and reflect on how much you’ve grown; see how your answers to the questions have (or haven’t) changed. The questions are intended to help you think about your life (What are you passionate about?), live creatively and pursue your dreams (Are you giving your goals the time they deserve?), evaluate relationships (What do you value most in a friendship?) reflect on whether you’re living with intention and purpose (Did you perform an act of kindness today?), and have some fun (What makes you laugh hardest?).

For anyone interested in slowing down, practicing daily reflection, evaluating their life, and living with intention – this journal is for you!

Can’t wait to start your practice? Join my mailing list now and you will receive November’s journal pages FREE.

Save

Save

Save

Save

Many of us, for all sorts of reasons, have trouble saying no to people. We have become a culture of yes people. We aim to please, agree with the best intentions, but often inadvertently take on more than we can handle as a result of our desire to never disappoint. Eventually, we become resentful and stressed. Perhaps worse, is that we often end up putting our needs second in order to accommodate others. But I’m here to remind you that it is absolutely okay to say “no.” Keep reading to learn how to say no to people without apology or explanation.

The truth is we love to help people and say yes to them! It makes us feel special when we’re asked for help or to get together. We have a knee jerk reaction to say, “absolutely!” But how many times have you later regretted something you agreed to in the moment? Even if it was with the best intentions? I’m willing to bet it’s been loads of times…

We need to put the momentary high of being wanted aside, and take time to consider what we’re being asked. There is no need to respond immediately. Anyone who doesn’t respect your need to think about requests doesn’t respect you or your time. And that’s not someone you need to be bending over backwards for.

Weird Al Yankovic (of all people) has a saying in his home: “The day will come.” He and his wife say it when weighing whether or not to agree to things and that’s because he acknowledges that everything sounds pretty great at the time when the commitment is still in the future. But the day will come eventually, and he acknowledges that considerations need to be made.

What To Consider

So, think requests through carefully. Ask yourself:

• What’s the time commitment?
• Do I have all the necessary information to make an informed decision?
• Will agreeing in any way be a detriment to me or my family or other commitments I’ve already made?
  • Just because you have one free night doesn’t mean that night is better spent filled. Sometimes we really need a quiet night on the couch.
• Might agreeing cause me stress later?
• Am I free?
  • Check your calendar. Don’t forget to check the day before and the day after! Maybe you need time to recover from or prep for something else, even though you’re technically free.
• Is travel time involved?
• Can I afford to go out?
  • I’m often tapped out by the end of the pay cycle and have had to cancel dinner plans because I couldn’t afford it.

Taking the time to make these considerations prevents a lot of potential stress later when/if you need to cancel or rescind your agreement. Even worse is when you find yourself with no way out and end up with the stress of fitting something in that there just isn’t any room for.

So what if providing the help or making the plans just isn’t beneficial or possible? Well, then you need to say no.

How To Say No to People

We are terrified of anyone being disappointed in or by us. Therefore, whenever we feel we’re running that risk, we tend to do all we can to prevent it. I believe this is why people have such a hard time saying no without apologizing, over-explaining or even straight up lying.

No Apologies

Apologizing typically suggests wrongdoing. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being able to accommodate someone. You didn’t do anything wrong and you didn’t let someone down (if someone does feel let down, I PROMISE that has nothing to do with you and only to do with their own attachments/expectations). Since you didn’t do anything wrong, there is no need to apologize.

I know apologizing is a nice way of letting someone down gently or expressing regret and if you’re using it that way, then go for it! What I’m saying is not to lay on the apologies so thick that you could win an Emmy. There is also no need to “promise to make it up to you!”

Just decline. It’s fine. Everyone is fine. And if they’re not, again THAT HAS ONLY TO DO WITH THE PERSON ASKING, not the person declining. (If this sounds familiar, you may want to check out these 11 Quotes to Remember When Faced with Toxic People.)

No Explanations

You don’t need to explain why you can’t do something. I repeat, YOU DO NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN. I know people who do this and it’s awkward for everyone involved and usually ends up with someone’s foot in their mouth. You don’t need to justify or explain why you can’t or don’t want to do something. It’s none of anyone’s business why you came to that decision or what you have going on.

No Lying

I am not a fan of lying. I like to believe that anyone in my life can handle the simple truth that I don’t like concerts or have something else to do. But I know that people feel like they need solid excuses (see above, no explanations) when declining invitations so they tell lies like “I’d love to, but it’s my grandmother’s birthday.” Or “I’d love to, but my Aunt from Oklahoma is coming to visit.” These lies often involve family because people know they can’t mess with family obligations. But it’s just silly to lie, and runs its own risks.

Then What do You Say?

So if you don’t apologize, explain or lie, then what’s left? Surely, you don’t just want to give a curt “no” and walk away. Thanks to my friend, Amy, I have a solution.

Just say “I have a commitment.”

It’s brief, vague, honest, non-explanatory, non-apologetic, and to the point. You may be wondering, “But what if I don’t have a commitment, and I just don’t want to go?” Then you have a commitment to honoring yourself and not doing something you don’t want to do. How beautiful is that?

In a culture where we tend to put ourselves second (or third or fourth), glorify busy, and spread ourselves too thin, just remember that you will only ever be able to do as well as you feel. If you live and breathe for others and run yourself ragged, and are stressed and negative, believe me, everyone rather you stay home and take a nap. No one wants to feel like a burden. It is the story in our head that people want us to say yes to everything at whatever cost. The people who care for us don’t want that. We often forget that simple fact. After all, do you want your best friend up until midnight baking brownies for your party and then driving two hours with a headache just because when she agreed she forgot that she had a work dinner and could not possibly foresee that she wouldn’t feel well?

Of course not! Then why do we tend to forget that when it’s us making the brownies and driving with the migraine? Be honest with yourself and others.

It’s okay to put yourself first. And it is absolutely okay to say no to people.

Getting rid of stuff isn’t something I have to do, it’s something I get to do. I enthusiastically practice healthy habits for living a minimalist lifestyle. Lucky for me, we’re gearing up for a yard sale! I welcome this opportunity to once again sort through our possessions and make decisions whether to keep, sell, toss, re-purpose, or donate them.

Minimalist living is like healthy living. There’s no end game or point at which you can declare you’re finished. Living a more minimalist lifestyle requires near constant effort. Without practicing the right habits, you will find your home cluttered again, just like how weight creeps up on us if we slack off on working out and eating healthy.

Since I started minimizing my possessions at the start of 2015, I have identified what I find are the most helpful habits for keeping things minimal. So without further ado, these are my healthy habits for living a minimalist lifestyle.

Healthy Habits

1. Just Say “No, thank you.”

Just because something is offered to you does not mean you have to accept it. Whomever said that’s rude is wrong, in my opinion. What I think is rude is passing on your possessions to someone else so that you don’t have the guilt or burden of getting rid of them yourself. If someone offers you their old furniture, collectibles, whatever, you have every right to say, “No, thank you.” Family members recently received two very nice vacuums from a casino. They offered us one, to which we said, “No, thank you.” We already have one quality vacuum and live in a ranch. Who needs two vacuums?

2. Be Realistic

You may have every serving piece imaginable for a Victorian high tea, but how often do you have such an event? We often imagine how we may use things one day, but I stand by the golden rule that if you don’t use something at least once a year, you can do without it. This rule helped me add two glass beverage pitchers to the yard sale pile. I had four. I could imagine having a lovely brunch where I’d use all four for water, bloody marys, orange juice, and cranberry juice. But realistically speaking, two is enough. And if I want to have that many beverages, I can serve from the juice bottles. This isn’t a bed and breakfast.

3. Pause & Imagine Potential Purchases In Your Day To Day Life

This is one of those rare moments where I encourage you to NOT live in the moment. Living in the moment when it comes to shopping leads to impulse buying and buyer’s remorse. Just last week I went to one of those designer bargain shops where I found a cute little hooded burgundy (my favorite color) shirt that had a beautiful sun and moon image and said “Live by the sun, love by the moon.” I tried it on and it fit and I decided to get it. At the last moment, though, I put it back. That’s because I imagined the shirt in my closet at home and me actually wearing it. Yes, the image and words were those I embrace, but the truth is, I rarely wear shirts that say things or have designs. It’s just not me or my style. So I put it back.

4. Don’t Buy Anything You Can’t Use Or Wear Today

Twice this past week I put incredible bargains back on the racks thanks to this rule. One was a designer dress that originally retailed for close to $200. I loved it and could imagine all the places I might wear it. There was just one problem. It fit, but not well. I figured for $40.00 it would be totally worth it. Although I’m certain I will lose weight, I’ve been down this road before and I need to be honest with myself. Clothes have literally gone out of style waiting for me to fit into them. I put the dress back and got one I can wear right now. My day will come. For now I’d just be out $40 and have yet another piece of clothing I can’t wear.

The other bargain was a two-piece pale yellow skirt suit on clearance that would be perfect for next spring. Well, at least I think it will. Who knows for sure. But I didn’t know what size to buy. I didn’t want to buy the size I am now, because hopefully it will be too big come spring. But I have no idea how much weight I might lose. Too many unknowns and what ifs…

If you can’t use or wear it today, don’t buy it. Things change and even plans with the best intentions don’t always pan out. Save your money.

5. Play The 30-Day Minimalism Game At Least Once A Year

#MinsGame was created by The Minimalists. I play every January. On the first of the month you get rid of one thing, on the second, two things, three things on the 3rd, etc. until you get rid of 31 things on the 31st. By the end of January you will have gotten rid of 496 things! No matter how many times I play and how hard it is by the end of the month, there’s always enough stuff to play again the following year. That’s because throughout the course of a year we obtain more stuff, our tastes change, things get worn out or stop fitting, get upgraded or replaced, or we realize we didn’t use that thing or wear that top we thought we would. This is why minimalism is ongoing.

6. Think Quality Over Quantity

I am slowly creating a capsule wardrobe of higher quality pieces I will wear more often, while weeding out low quality pieces I don’t wear often and  that don’t last long. I’ve done this with my accessories and make-up, too. The first time I played #MinsGame I tossed over twenty bottles of nail polish. Some were over ten years old and most of them cost only a dollar. I have learned over the years that quality nail polish is worth the price tag. I have two colors and a quality base and top coat and it’s all I need.

The same goes for shoes. I know people get great satisfaction from shoe collections, but if a pair hurts your feet or are tattered, you’re not going to wear them. So why keep them? Imagine a tidied closet of shoes and clothes of high quality that you feel great in. It can be yours.

7. Mark It Up

Everyone loves a bargain. But a lot of bargain shopping often results in disappointing purchases because we allowed ourselves to be wooed by the price tag. Ask yourself when shopping if you would buy the item at a higher price. If you wouldn’t buy it if it was more expensive, chances are you probably don’t like or need it enough to buy it now. A bargain isn’t a bargain when you’re spending money on something you don’t need or won’t use.

8. Remember, You Are Under No Obligation

You are under no obligation to keep anything that you buy, is gifted, or given to you. I repeat, YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION. Your space belongs to you and you are welcome to change your mind, have different tastes, and live your life and keep your home the way you want. Unfortunately people don’t often buy things for us they think we’d like – they buy things they like for us. Just remember, it’s your home so you get to decide what stays and what goes.

So that’s it! Those are my top healthy habits for living a minimalist lifestyle. They help me save money, space, time, and stress. I truly believe that a happier life is a simpler life. And managing our “stuff” is a big part of living more simply.

What are some of your habits for keeping things under control and living more minimally? I’d love to hear from you.

I’m a Gemini. Most of my life my twins have been polar opposites. I go to extremes: all or nothing, indulgence or deprivation! I’m spontaneous and compulsive. I have often struggled with balance and middle ground. I drove my Mom bonkers as a young adult and was (mis) diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I had two settings: on and off. Whether eating, drinking, partying, falling in love, or studying: I either didn’t go near the roller coaster or I rode it all the way until I was physically ill. It never occurred to me that I could do things gradually or in moderation. Thankfully, I have learned how to pause, but old habits die hard and balance is still a constant struggle.

Riding the Swings

A few weeks back I went to happy hour. My intentions were to have two drinks and be on my way. Several glasses of wine later it was time to go, but I didn’t feel done. The imprint of my old behaviors kicked in and I wanted more. As I walked alone to my train stop, every bar enticed me. One sat at the corner of my train stop and I spontaneously took steps toward the door. Mere feet from the entrance I stopped dead. What am I doing? I stood there, frozen as if I had seen a ghost. So many thoughts collided in my inebriated mind, but two questions rose louder above the noise: What do I want in there? What am I craving?

As soon as the embarrassing truth to those questions came to me, I practically ran down the steps to the train as if the bar might shout after me and change my mind. It wasn’t more alcohol I craved, but something else, and a bar wasn’t the place to get it. So I went home and went to bed. I woke up the next day not with the familiar feeling of shame or regret, but with pride.

I told my best girlfriend, Kathy about my success. “I know it may not seem like that big a deal, but it feels like a huge deal.”

“It is a huge deal,” she said. “You didn’t get on the coaster. You went on the swings and when you were ready, you got off.”

I love that analogy.

Pause

I was able to avoid walking into the bar for two reasons: mindfulness and cognitive therapy. Most of my life I have acted without even a millisecond to think. The amount of times impulsiveness has caused me harm far outweighs the number of times it has benefited me. When we allow our emotions to take over and don’t pause to think is when we say and do things we often regret.

Pausing takes practice. My pause muscle is one I have to strengthen, just like my resistance muscle. It’s not easy to stop, breathe, and think, especially when your adrenaline is pumping, you’re inebriated, or your emotions are heightened. But every single time I am able to do this, I am grateful and proud. That’s what cognitive therapy and mindfulness are — being aware of yourself and your thinking.

Balance

Balance is a daily struggle but something I have much more of in my life these days. Balance for me is leaving happy hour when it ends, not after midnight. It’s eating some chips then putting the bag away for another day. It’s productive in the morning and lazy in the afternoon. It’s a big lunch and small dinner. It’s expressing my frustration without picking a fight.

It’s ironic: I don’t even like roller coasters. I do love swings, however. How nice to be able to get on, but stop when I’m ready rather than be at the mercy of the ride. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I can live life on my own terms.

Save

I haven’t mentioned my weight loss efforts in a while. Not because I haven’t been trying to lose weight — I don’t think there was a time in the past twenty years when I wasn’t trying to lose weight, at least in spirit — but because I haven’t had much to say. I’d be thin by now you’d think, but nope. I’m only ten or so pounds shy of the heaviest I’ve ever been. It’s so frustrating, too because I’m the most active I’ve been since I was tween, and I definitely eat the healthiest I ever have. But the weight is still reluctant to go away because I continue to struggle with emotional overeating and destructive behaviors.

Overeating

I overdid it this holiday weekend. I ate too much, drank too much and smoked cigarettes AGAIN. I congratulated myself just last week for going out for happy hour and not overdoing it; not smoking, not overeating when I got home. I worked my resistance muscle HARD and woke up the next morning feeling proud and accomplished. But I guess I pushed the muscle too hard and it was sore, so my giving in muscle picked up the slack.

Instead of feeling proud this morning, I felt disappointed, shameful, guilty, and frustrated.

One area where I now excel thanks to my cognitive therapy work is putting a stop to destructive behavior at the first possible opportunity, rather than riding things out until their logical and convenient end like I used to. Today is the last day of the three-day weekend. There’s still plenty of left-overs. I could easily rationalize overeating one more day and resetting tomorrow. But that’s the same destructive thinking that got me to where I am now.

Although my body was eager for a break and craved light foods, my emotions craved comfort and reprieve from the guilt and shame of what I had done to my body the past two days. I noticed my mood shift. I felt the urge to be healthy and productive today slip away as thoughts of TV-watching, napping, and eating danced across my mind enticingly.

Forgiving

I couldn’t let my intentions slip away. I recognized the destructive triangle I was caught in (thought leading to feeling, feeling leading to action, and action leading to thought and around and around I go) and knew I had to fight my way out. In a burst of energy and determination, I jumped up, silenced the internal pleas to stay on the couch, and took a shower. I created a new triangle because that positive action lead to the thought that perhaps I could forgive myself. So after my shower I meditated on forgiveness and moving on.

I quieted my mind enough that I heard the voice of my higher self. “It’s okay,” she said. The incense smelled sweeter and more inviting than the left-over homemade peach cobbler and I surrendered myself to the calm. I felt gratitude for my body, something I experienced for the first time when completing Lesson 7 from A Course in Weight Loss, which I will write about in another post. I also felt sorrow for what I had done to my body, but again the voice said, “It’s okay.”

I breathed in and out, letting go of this weekend’s weakness and allowing my mind to still. “You are determined,” came the voice of my higher self. “And you are forgiven.”

I haven’t been back on the couch since before my shower. I’m listening to my body instead of my mind, and only giving it what it wants, which is water and fruit. I’m grateful to be forgiven, especially because I’m only still learning that I have the right to ask for forgiveness. I no longer need to carry my guilt around like a bloated belly.

I feel lighter already.

Save

Save

Save

Kathy and I went hiking in Delaware this past Sunday. The weather was gorgeous. Blue skies, a cool breeze, low humidity. The only sounds were those of our chatter, the rustling of trees, singing of birds, and the occasional honk of a bull frog. I felt free. No traffic, no notifications and updates, no noise, no stress… My cell phone was tucked into my camelback only because it’s also my camera. I mentioned to Kathy I wished I had left it in the car. Even though it was on silent it seemed to radiate a low frequency annoyance. I still felt tethered.

We climbed out on some large rocks to soak our feet in the ice cold water of White Clay Creek.

It was marvelous to be out in the woods. Although civilization was only a few miles away, it felt so distant. Nothing could hurt us, as long as we stayed present. And I am grateful we did because little did we know that one peek at the news or Facebook would have hurtled us right back to reality. It wasn’t until hours later in my car that I would learn about the attack in Orlando, Florida and my heart would break.

Had I known sooner, I would have carried the weight of sadness in addition to my camelback and shadow would cloud the clear skies above us. And so for that reason, I am glad not to have known. Ignorance is bliss and I see little reason to know of the horrible things that happen in this world as soon as they happen.

How many times has a push notification on your phone ruined a good time? Whether a news report, an upsetting e-mail, a Facebook feed full of updates that another musician has died… do you ever wish you had just left it alone and remained in blissful ignorance? At least until the end of your date, or the movie or the party? This is all part of being present and in the moment. And if you’re truly present you won’t go looking for irrelevant news on your phone and run the risk of learning something upsetting which will utterly change the moment.

Had I checked the news after I snapped the above photo, I would have drastically changed the moment from two happy friends splashing their feet and smiling in the sun to two solemn adults sitting quietly and sad, their thoughts on violence and loss. I’m grateful I didn’t do that.

The world can wait. Had I checked in while sitting on that rock it would have been only out of habit or impulse, not need. I would have forfeited my rare view of nature for the familiar view of my cellphone. When do we ever really NEED to know what’s going on elsewhere? I can only think of a few examples…

If you’re happy, content or at peace, prolong the moment as long as possible. Don’t go looking for trouble. If you’re spending the day with family or at the beach among friends or even if reading alone in the local park, be present and be there, not online. You can catch up later. There’s often nothing to gain that couldn’t wait, and a lot to lose… like the moment.

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

I’ve come a really long way on this journey to living a happier and more peaceful life. If there was a sign in my house that noted how long it’s been since my last meltdown, two years ago we would have worn down chalk resetting it to zero. But a year ago the number for days without a meltdown was respectable. Recently, every day was record breaking! Until last Friday, when the sign would have been reset to zero. All because a seat belt tried to murder me.

Seriously.

During my thirteen minute commute home, no matter how many times I adjusted the goddamn belt across my shoulder and chest, it shifted up to my throat. With each adjustment and inevitable slip, my body tensed, teeth gritted, and knuckles whitened against the steering wheel. The sensation of edged polyester pressed into the side of my neck from jaw to clavicle felt like the filthy callused hands of a demented stranger wrapped around my throat. My heart rate increased, face flushed and eyes narrowed. I hated my new car with its ill fitting seat belt, blamed and despised my large breasts for existing, and was most likely the angriest a person has ever been throughout history at a SEAT BELT.

Blocks from home, I unbuckled the belt and threw it behind me. Within seconds the obnoxious ding of the seat belt alarm pierced my ears like a screeching child. I hunched forward like a madman as my hands clenched the wheel while steamy breath escaped my flared nostrils. The thought of speeding into a brick wall may have crossed my mind.

Finally, I raced up my driveway, threw the car into park and killed the engine. The only sound that remained was that of my rapid breathing.

My husband, Mike witnessed my arrival from the garage and approached cautiously. He stood beside the window for a moment. “Are you okay?” I heard muffled through the glass.

I opened the door. “No,” I grunted through gritted teeth.

“What happened?”

Too angry to speak, I sat there as Mike waited apprehensively.

“My seat belt strangled me!” I finally blurted. I demonstrated the violence by pulling the belt across my throat and pantomiming my strangulation. “See? I can’t stand it!”

Without a word, Mike reached inside the car and adjusted the seat belt height with a gentle push downward.

“Better?” he asked.

I burst into tears, flooded by relief and gratitude.

As surprising as this may sound, my meltdown wasn’t about attempted murder in the car by seat belt. I know, right – you’re SHOCKED! My little incident in the car was simply the straw attempting to break the camel’s back. The truth is I was tired, hungry, and it was my fifth day without a cigarette so I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms AGAIN. I had been driving the car for just shy of two months, and although the belt needed adjusting occasionally, it never agitated me to the point of contemplating expediting my own death.

My point is: no matter how mindful, zen, self-aware, or peaceful we become, we’re still going to have moments when we lose our shit. We’re human! We experience fluctuations in hormones and chemicals, hunger, exhaustion, annoying relatives, bosses, spouses, etc. and there will be times when all these things collide and we JUST.CAN’T.TAKE.IT.ANYMORE. We’re not perfect!

The skill comes in acknowledging what’s really at work. Remember my post Learning to H.A.L.T. about checking in to see if you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? If not, give it a read. The other skill is not allowing inconsequential annoyances to snowball into a careening mass of destruction.

In the past, I may have refused to even tell Mike what was bothering me, then found a reason to be upset with him. Soon we’d be in a horrible fight that would become about EVERY infraction ever committed, which would turn into a fight about fighting. Once that fizzled out in sheer exhaustion I may attempt to get changed and then decide I hate every article of clothing I own, which would inevitably turn into me hating my body and then myself.

Good times!

All could have been avoided had someone (or me) just given me a snack and a blanket. There’s a reason it works for kids. We’re not that different, folks… If you find yourself behaving like a toddler with a temper tantrum or a crazed madwoman, take a time-out. Check in with yourself. Ask yourself: am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired? Where am I in my menstrual cycle – could my hormones be off? Did I forget to take my medication today? There are reasons why we behave irrationally and I guarantee you they don’t have to do with what you’re blaming.

I suppose I owe my seat belt an apology…

I’ve been feeling energized, yet claustrophobic, like a sports car with a full tank of gas sitting in traffic. Despite all my minimalism efforts over the past year and a half, I was once again drowning in email and the ever expanding piles in my home office: unread magazines, novel research, books, paperwork, mail. The room is my sanctuary and I use it for yoga, reading, meditation and work. But recently, I couldn’t do any of those things without shuffling piles from one area to another to make room. I could sense my energy getting trapped and my sanctuary was no longer a place of peace. Tasks took longer than necessary and I felt overwhelmed. Something had to be done. And so I spent an entire day minimizing my office.

I started with my e-mail. Digital clutter is just as suffocating as physical, those ever increasing notifications flashing like alarms. I’ve spent many hours over the past two years deleting, filing, and unsubscribing from email, but the battle never seems to end. So much to read… Between my e-mail and magazines (I only have two subscriptions) I could spend an entire month reading and still not finish. But I’ll let you in on a little secret I learned: you don’t have to read all your email.

Before you say, “Yeah, no kidding, I delete more than half my email without even opening it,” know that I’m not talking about those e-mails – the sales, suggestions and free shipping opportunities. (By the way, you may want to unsubscribe from those.) I’m talking about the ones you want to read, those that you identify with that you think may have some secret tip, amazing news, hold the key to your success, feature the perfect pair of spring pants, suggest you follow someone on Twitter who might be your virtual soul mate and if you delete any without reading them you may have missed out forevvvverrrrrrrr… NOOOOOOOO!!

Guess what? You’re not missing out on anything, except having a clean inbox.

This is what’s really in most of those emails: Efforts to get you to buy something or buy into something and/or the same recycled information said a different way. Even if it’s really good, it will show up again or you can find it elsewhere. Those Pinterest suggestions for your carefully curated boards will come around again. Those Twitter suggestions… same. It’s all an algorithm. And don’t forget, you can always find what you’re looking for on a website or with a quick Google search.

It was thanks to that realization that I was able to search my inbox for everything from a writing coach I like, select all, and hit delete. I had been saving everything she sent (and she e-mailed daily), convinced that those e-mails held the key to my success. Well, I checked her website and all the info. was there. I bookmarked it and moved on with my purging.

Cleaning out and filing my e-mail felt so damn good, I wanted MORE. So I decided to take another minimizing pass at my office. No plans for Saturday and a dreary forecast –  PERFECT! Sitting on the train daydreaming about the cleanse, I had an idea. “Does the top half of my desk come off?” I texted my husband. And he, accustomed to random questions without any explanation responded “yes.”

Oh man, this was gonna be good!

I woke up Saturday with an energy and excitement unique only to the satisfaction of a great purge. I worked for ten hours, filing, sorting, consolidating, and rearranging. See the printer? I used it so seldom that the ink dried out so when I did need it, it was useless. I put it in the yard sale pile. The desktop? Maddeningly slow. I transferred all my files to USB keys and it’s being wiped and recycled. The entire hutch? Just a place to stick stuff that really isn’t needed or should be put away.

I craved space.

Beside that floral chair is a closet I couldn’t get into without fighting with the chair so although it was mostly empty, I didn’t use it. Not efficient. The chair got moved to another window out of view and now I can get in and out easily.

By the time I was done, I achieved what I had been craving. My sanctuary was restored and I created space. It was a day extremely well spent.

Now no time is wasted when I enter the room to do anything. There are no piles to shuffle in order to sit down at my desk or in my reading chair, no clutter preoccupying me when I meditate, nothing to move to roll out my yoga mat. Just organized, minimized, efficient, useful space. I walk in, set my coffee down, open my laptop and get to work.

I share this with you because it is my hope you may be inspired to create space in your own life. That printer, the hutch, the piles… they had become fixtures that I simply accepted, allowing them to take up precious space. Is something broken or useless taking up space in your home? Wouldn’t it feel good to get rid of it? You may think it’s not hurting anything. The printer wasn’t hurting me. But it wasn’t helping me, either. It wasn’t until I decided to toss it that I realized I could do away with the entire top half of my desk. Let the domino effect take shape and allow yourself to be inspired.

You may just find yourself with a sanctuary of your own.

Save

Save

Save

Save

The other morning I woke up extra early. I made coffee, lit incense, and settled in to my office’s corner nook to write. It was silent other than for the songs of birds and clacking of the keyboard. The early morning solitude inspired a blog post, an encouraging one, about productive early mornings, success and strengthening our discipline. But by the time I got home in the evening after a long and tiring day, I wasn’t feeling it any more. The optimism and energy inspired by my peaceful morning had been released little by little as the day kicked me around like an inflatable ball. By the end of it I was deflated and useless. So here I am now, trying again, wondering what can be salvaged of that post written when the day was so young. I’ve realized something new since then.

They say the most successful people are those who rise early. They are generally more disciplined and enjoy a hefty head start on the day. Typically my favorite days are those on which I am able to rise early and enjoy a productive head start of writing, meditating, and exercising. Those mornings seem to set a tone for the day and it’s lovely knowing those tasks are out of the way. The load is lighter.

But I don’t think successful people practice the habit of rising early just because they enjoy getting things off their plates. Perhaps they’re so successful because they have the self-awareness to realize they’re at their best in the morning before they get beaten down by the day’s demands. They have the skill of foresight; they know the chances of doing x,y,z later is slim. People who are typically less successful procrastinate and plan to do things late into the night, but find themselves exhausted, not only from the day, but also from carrying the weight of their dread around throughout it.

In the post I wrote the other morning, I explained that I struggle to get up early most mornings because I lack discipline and willpower. This is true, but also an excuse. I want to wake up early most days. Early morning is my favorite time, watching the sun creep up slowly while the neighborhood sleeps. Being awake makes me feel as I’m balancing the scales, taking back a little of what rightfully belongs to me after having wasted so much time.

But lack of willpower and discipline is an excuse. Convincing myself I can and will do things later is an excuse, a bargain I make with myself when my eyes sting from sleep and I’m far too comfortable to consider getting up. Some days I make good on those bargains, but other days I am too deflated after unexpected turns of events. Days have a tendency to change on a whim, like the weather in coastal Florida. We don’t anticipate bad news, getting stuck late at work, invitations to happy hour, or other occurrences, but they happen more often than not. Perhaps it is wiser to plan for them and enjoy those productive early mornings so that we can roll with the punches, rather than get our air knocked out. Best case scenario we find ourselves with a rare evening of guilt-free television watching. Those are the best.

So maybe I’ve been looking at it the wrong way. The other morning I thought it was all about needing to strengthen my resolve to get up early. Maybe I just need to acknowledge the facts and stop kidding myself. Writing is extremely important to me. Exercising every day is equally important. Meditating, too. It’s time I face the facts and admit that if I do not achieve these things in the morning, their likelihood of occurring decreases as the day wears on. It’s not entirely about willpower and discipline, it’s about admitting that if these things are as important to me as I claim, then I’ll make them happen. This is, I think, what makes people successful. Not their discipline, but their ability to set priorities and face reality. And the reality is, if we can’t even get out of bed to work toward our number one goals, then who are we to claim they’re extremely important to us?

I didn’t get up early this morning and I was supposed to help my husband with a project tonight. In a fortunate turn of events, he decided I’d only get in the way, so here I am clacking away in the evening. Thankfully it provided me with a chance to contemplate this whole morning thing. I’ve never once regretted waking up early, working out, or writing. I have only ever regretted missing opportunities to do those things. An extra hour or two in bed instead of working on a goal is a pretty shitty trade off. Not much feels better than accomplishment, I don’t care how comfortable your bed may be.

I’m going to try again tomorrow with this new understanding of how valuable the morning is. Morning rituals provide us the opportunity to literally rise to the occasion, the occasion being this one and only life. I realize now I’ve been a fool to hit the snooze button… all I’ve done is snooze the realization of my goals.
Follow my blog with Bloglovin