We all have relationships with difficult people. By difficult, I mean people who are in some way toxic: self-centered, arrogant, ignorant, judgemental, needy, play the role of the consummate victim, inconsiderate, bossy, dishonest, or insert any number of negative personality traits here, or heaven forbid, a combination of them all. Of course you know at least one. Although a lot of people advise us to cut negative people from our lives, it’s not often feasible or realistic. Sometimes the most we can do is learn how to deal with challenging people as best we can and try to protect ourselves in the process.

I’ve been dealing with one difficult person in particular for a long time. I still experience anxiety, anger, frustration, and distress as a result of this relationship. For the record, I’m not passive. I have tried defending myself and speaking up when I feel I’ve been wronged. I’ve learned though that when it comes to certain people, this gets me nowhere. My reaction, no matter how practiced or collected, only makes things worse. That’s because problem people love a reaction and don’t respond to reason. Never once have I succeeded with words when it comes to these people in my life. All we can do when it comes to people like this is try to enforce healthy boundaries and remember that their negativity has nothing to do with us.

This is hard! When someone makes accusations about me or my life, or directs their anger and frustration at me, it is really hard to remember that it has nothing to do with me. That’s when I turn to these quotes to help me remember.

Bookmark these quotes or print them out. Let them help to remind you the next time you are faced with a difficult person that their behavior is not to be taken personally.

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We all abide by certain rules. Some are mainstream or fairly common and passed down through the generations like gospel, such as no swimming for thirty minutes after a meal. Some are specific to family, like certain bedtime rituals that left unperformed result in restless nights. And some rules are individualized, conjured from something we saw, heard or read that resonated on a deep and personal level. But when rules are too rigid, we forget to question them, and that’s when we can unnecessarily become bound by misinformation or habit.

I’ve been thinking a lot about rules lately, and what mine are. They can be difficult to identify because they’re so ingrained and obliged mindlessly. But last week I identified one so clearly I actually laughed out loud. And then in an act of defiance, I broke that rule.

Dear readers, believe me when I tell you that as long as I can remember I have obeyed the rule that one can never eat more than one banana in a single day. This rule ranked up there with ‘Thou shalt not kill” in terms of severity. I do not recall where I read or heard it, but it stuck. I eat a banana every day and have planned my bananas according to this rule. If I planned on a yogurt parfait for lunch, I didn’t have a smoothie for breakfast. If I had a banana in my cereal, I didn’t have one as an evening snack. Somehow I failed to ever question the absurdity of this rule, EVEN WHEN I CHOWED DOWN ON JUNK FOOD BECAUSE I NEEDED SOMETHING AND KNEW IT COULDN’T BE A SECOND BANANA.

Now do you see why I laughed? The night I finally realized the idiocy of this rule I had been peering into my fridge looking for a snack. To my right sat a lovely bunch of bananas. I saw them, but my rule shut that option down immediately and I went back to peering in the fridge. Then the lightbulb! To think of the pounds of crap I have eaten simply because I denied myself a second banana is absurd. I laughed. And then I ate that second banana and damn, it was liberating! I had two bananas yesterday, too. Whatcha gonna do about it?

What rules are you attached to? I identified two others in the past week. On Saturday I worked on a project all morning and into the afternoon and then I told myself I had missed my chance to go to the gym. Going to the gym on Saturday is a morning thing. RULE! It was totally weird for me, but I went at 2:00 in the afternoon. The other: you can’t meditate laying down! That doesn’t count! Guess what, I laid myself down and practiced what I’ve preached – I can meditate however the hell I want. (Breaking rules makes me feel like a badass – can ya tell?)

I mean, who said we can’t order dessert before dinner? I know who said. WE said, and when I say “we,” I mean us as individuals because the only one who is making you follow that rule is you (assuming you’re an adult, of course.)

There are so many rules around everything that I think we should start questioning more. Rules around how to load the dishwasher, rules around exercise and food, rules around work and play (this is a BIG one), rules around sex and intimacy (another big one). Who says you can’t read all afternoon? Yes, even if your house is messy. Who says you’re too old to go in the jumpy castle? Who says you can’t laugh and joke during sex? Who says you can’t eat two bananas?

Let’s not allow dotted guidelines to become too rigid and bold. Let’s allow room to QUESTION. Lets be curious and assess our rules, and have fun breaking the ones we don’t need.

Tell me, what unnecessary rules have you adhered to? Which rules do you want to break? I’d love to hear from you – let’s be a bunch of rule breakers together!

My power recently went away on a week long vacation and left me to fend for myself. I didn’t manage well on my own and later wrote in this post about the harsh reality of weakness. Thankfully, my power returned just in time for the first day of spring. It helped me pull myself together and create space to be inspired by the changing season. Now, at this distance, I am able to reflect even more on what happened and what I may do different next time.

When I feel empowered I take care of myself mentally, physically and spiritually. After a week of not caring for myself, I craved nutritious food and exercise, so I hit the gym. For breakfast, I took inspiration from Instagram and made the breakfast/smoothie bowl you see below.

How can you not feel good when eating something so healthy, not to mention pretty!? To me, preparing and eating food like this is one of the most powerful ways to show self-love. It says: YOU’RE WORTH IT. Worth the money for fresh produce, worth the time to prepare a meal, and worth the effort to make it pretty.

I decided I was worth it not only on weekends, but weekdays, too and I enjoyed these breakfast bowls every morning before work. Here are some others I came up with:

I shared some of my bowls on Instagram and my friend Mieke later commented that my “power bowls” inspired her. How fitting!?

To make your own Power Bowl, start with a smoothie base of whatever combination you like, then top it decoratively with additional fresh fruit, seeds, chipped coconut, nuts, etc. The sky’s the limit!

It never ceases to amaze me how resilient the body is! It wants to feel good. Give it the proper fuel and take it out for a good drive every day and it will run at maximum efficiency. I ate beautifully and fresh for the remainder of the week and felt so energized. I practiced yoga, took long walks, meditated. I felt wonderful, and most of all, grateful. Grateful to have my power back and to be inspired and motivated once more.

But now I wonder if I was only able to have such a lovely week because I had inadvertently taken a lengthy break the week before…?

In response to my last post about my power going away, my friend Marie Gilbert, author and blogger, wrote about our need to “cocoon” in her post “When Absence is Necessary.” Her message to me was simple: Life is hard and the world is loud; time outs are essential to our well-being and there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about taking a step back.

I struggle with guilt and regret, two intensely negative emotions responsible for trapping me in vicious destructive cycles. I’ve been thinking about what she said, though, and I realized something. I blamed the upsetting event in my life recently for taking my power away and resulting in my having an unproductive, unhealthy week. Had I been strong, mindful and loving enough, I may have said to myself:

“Ya know what, that thing that happened SUCKED. It’s going to take us a little while to get over it, so let’s cocoon for a few days and be really gentle to ourselves. Let’s get some soup and healthy junk food, call out of work one day and read and nap all day. I won’t force you to go to the gym, but I think a few walks with Kathy will do you good, so at least shoot for that. I know you’re feeling too drained and indifferent to shop and meal plan but we both know you’ll feel much worse if you eat crap, so how about making at least one big comforting thing to eat all week? Deal?”

THAT is self-love and compassion. THAT is what I was unable to say and therefore why I was unable to take good care of myself, and why I experienced guilt over what ended up being something I really needed. I felt badly that I had given in to such negative emotions. I could have still taken a rest and given myself space without succumbing to the negativity. I could have come at it from a place of retreat… from a place of love.

One evening later that empowering week I practiced restorative yoga at home. Afterward, I was torn between meditating and laying on the floor in shavasana (rest pose). I decided I could do both. I lit some lavender incense and candles, played soft music, lowered the lights and laid down, covering myself with a blanket.  It was a random weeknight and as always, there were things to be done. But in an act of love and cocooning, I laid on my office floor, breathing, while Marie’s words echoed in my mind, fading away as I allowed it to clear, but not before a memory occurred to me. It was something a yoga teacher once said years ago. She said that going into child’s pose (a rest pose) when needed takes great strength because it requires you to admit you need a break.

That always stayed with me and it resonates even more today. So many people continue to carry on with life no matter how much it hurts or how tired they become because they lack the strength to admit they need a rest. Because of what my yoga teacher said, I’ve always felt empowered to go into child’s pose while practicing yoga if needed, but I never applied it to life, instead thinking those breaks were the result of weakness.

I’m going to be stronger for now on. Strong enough to take a rest when I need one, and gentle enough to not beat myself up over it.

When losing weight is your number one goal, there isn’t much room for other priorities. The only time in recent years when this wasn’t my number one priority was when I was in school, and guess what, I gained a lot of weight during that time. Other than that, it’s been my focus. That’s a whole lot of energy, time and work that has gone into one thing with far too few results, other than preventing me from gaining even more weight.

Imagine if I had devoted all that space and energy to something else, something I was good at.  Who knows what I could have achieved by now!

When I finally figured out I couldn’t lose weight because I was focusing on the wrong things (diet and exercise instead of cognitive thinking), I redoubled my commitment to losing weight with a new approach. My counselor recommended The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to THINK Like a Thin Person, by Dr. Judith Beck. Her father, Aaron Beck is regarded as the Father of Cognitive Therapy, so I figured she knew a thing or two on the subject.

The book claimed it would help me change the way I think about diet, eating and weight loss “FOREVER.” I’d learn how to abolish my cravings, resist temptations, deal with emotional triggers, end emotional eating, and conquer excuses to overeat, according to the book’s description. I believe that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is, so I was skeptical. I’ve been trying to do these things for twenty years; no way was one book going to get the job done. But with an open mind and trust in my counselor, I loaded it onto my Kindle.

The book is broken into 42 lessons. My first task was to write an Automatic Response Card (ARC) listing all the reasons I want to be thin. The idea is that when you’re staring down chocolate cake or want nothing but to eat your weight in french fries after a hard day, you have something to whip out and read to remind yourself what’s more important and why the food isn’t really what you want.

I had never really thought before about why I want to be thin. We all want to be rich, right, but seldom think of the specific reasons why. We usually just have some broad sense of increased happiness and quality of life. That’s what I thought when it came to being thin. So I had been dedicating the bulk of my time and energy to a goal that I didn’t even know specifically why I wanted! How ridiculous is that!?

So I thought about why I want to be thin and twenty specific, damn good reasons tumbled out of my brain and onto a piece of paper as fast as my hand could write them.

#1 on my list; the very FIRST thing I thought:

Being thin will free up space in my life for other goals.

I didn’t think much of that being the first thing I thought until this month, when the space showed up.

Let me back up.

I dedicated the entire month of January to cooking and eating right, exercising daily, and practicing my newly learned cognitive thinking skills. I read The Beck Diet Solution and beyond these things and work, I had little time for anything else. I was excited and enthusiastic; happy to devote so much time and energy to my goal. But January turned into February and I began to lose steam. I got sick, too. On February 10, I wrote “The Part When We Quit” to process all that I was feeling, and ultimately acknowledged it was normal and to keep my eye on the prize.

But then everything got even harder… and darker.

Here’s the thing – there is no instant gratification in weight loss. It is a slow, grueling process. I am a spinning wheel, something my friend, Kathy affectionately called me recently, and detest being stagnant. My husband has accused me of having shark syndrome. “When you stop swimming, you die,” he’s said. For me to work so hard on something, and make such slow progress, is downright depressing.

By the second half of February I was in a dark place. There was something else at work, too. When you eat to process and/or mask your emotions and then you stop, you need to replace it with something. We as people love to tell people to stop doing things; stop drinking, stop smoking, but we don’t tell people what to do instead. We drink, smoke, and eat for a reason! Take those things away and we have no choice but to feel really uncomfortable emotions we’ve tried so hard to hide from.

That’s what happened to me. I didn’t replace my eating with a healthy alternative and I was left feeling rundown, raw, and really fucking sad. I desperately needed something else to work on, but was too depressed and tired from working so hard. I was also afraid that if I shifted my focus, I’d lose any progress I made.

“What you’re doing is really, really hard,” my counselor said sympathetically as I sat across from her quiet and crying.

We agreed I could use some help from my Prozac, so I decided to take it every day, at least for a little while, instead of only the two weeks before my period to ease my PMDD.

Within a week, I felt better. And then March was upon us and the urge to create this new website overcame me like a virus. I was sick with excitement and desire and motivation. And so for two solid weeks I spent every spare moment working on this site. I was overjoyed. My need to NOT be stagnant was being met. I was moving forward, making progress, and it was happening quickly.

Once I finished the site, I realized that after two solid months, weight loss was no longer my primary focus. I had shifted my priority to the website and the most incredible thing happened. I didn’t gain weight. The weight loss efforts went on auto pilot and ran in the background. I had created space for something else.

I was able to do this because I spent two months creating habits and for once, they took! I cooked, I meal planned, I exercised. But since those things were habit, they didn’t require so much thought and energy anymore! I almost gave up that second month, but I stuck with it. Now, I am beginning to reap the benefits, and it’s glorious.

In August I wrote a list of ten things you can do to feel better when you’re feeling crappy. Things like be gentle to yourself, eat well, avoid negativity, etc. All great things and all proven to help you feel better. I stand by all of them. But sometimes those just aren’t enough. So here to help are ten more mood-boosting tips to feel better.

But what about when you practice all those things regularly and life is generally going good and then you go to the store to buy a salad for dinner and there are soft pretzels at the counter and you sort of black out and buy one and then eat it as you walk down the street and then you’re on the train and you realize you’ve ruined your healthy-eating streak and all your hopes for the evening are ruined and instead of cooking and writing and paying bills you want to lay on the couch like this…

Do check out Hyperbole and a Half and the artist responsible for this photo

…while shaking an angry fist in the air with a word bubble that says “Damn you, Pretzel! Goddamn you straight to HELLLLLLL!”

We as people have a tendency to wallow in our funks. When we feel depressed, nothing is appealing so getting out of the funk can be difficult. It takes energy, which is in short supply, hence why we tend to lay around on the couch.

But to those of us who know the mood is only temporary and that we’ll most likely regret “wasting” time once we feel better, it’s skillful to pro-actively take steps to defeat the funk and feel better instantly.

Lucky for me I had just accidentally carbo-loaded (which got me into this funk). Note: I know there’s nothing really wrong with a pretzel; all in moderation – yeah, I know, but I was on a really good streak and processed white flour often sends me into a carb binge. Back to the carbo-loading: so even though I did lay like a slug for a bit, I did have physical energy, just no mental desire or motivation because I was mad at a pretzel myself.

It’s times like this when you need to do something that works instantly!

10 Mood-Boosting Tips to Feel Better Instantly

1. Listen to happy music

One of many days I was angry with my husband, I decided I wanted to stop being angry, so I fired up Spotify’s Mood Booster playlist. I felt better instantly (and kind of silly listening to such happy-go-lucky music). Anyway, when he came in the room I changed my mind and decided I did still want to be mad so I prepared to say something not nice, took a deep inhale, and instead I STARTED LAUGHING. I just couldn’t be mad. It was too ridiculous to be mad when Pharrell’s “Happy” was playing in the background. Then he started laughing and asked why I was listening to such crappy music and I said, “Don’t knock it. Pharrell’s the reason you’re not being yelled at right now.”

We often want to listen to music that matches our moods. Sad music for a broken heart, hardcore for when we’re angry. Happy, fun music tricks the brain into having a good time. So build a playlist full of whatever floats your boat, or use one of the many playlists that already exist to get you feeling better in no time.

2. Phone a friend!

Tell them you feel bummed and ask them to help you feel better. A good friend will happily oblige. Or at the very least distract you long enough to forget why you’re feeling crappy. My go-to friend has a way of tricking me into saying what I wanted to do and then making me PROMISE I’ll go do that. Ugh, it’s so annoying.

3. Exercise. Get those endorphins flowing.

Yes, this was on the other list, but it bears repeating for its instant results. Go for a jog, hit the gym, take a walk, drop in for a yoga class. Just MOVE. If you’re feeling crazy, you can even combine #1 and #3 and listen to happy music while you run – now that’s just insane mood boosting right there!

4.CREATE something… ANYTHING. Bake, cook, build, paint, collage, write, sew.

This is so fulfilling, distracting AND rewarding. Doing an activity will take effort so ask for help if you need it. The night of ‘the pretzel incident’ I said to my husband, “I want to cook for the week and bake banana bran muffins, but i don’t have the motivation.” He said I should do it and offered to clean everything up afterward. Having help was enough to get me started and once I got started, I felt so much better.

5. Watch a movie – something funny or feel-good – or one of your favorites.

Television and movies are also distracting and can be very mood-enhancing depending on what you watch. So turn on the tube, binge-watch some Netflix, or pop in a movie and slug it up on the couch until the mood boosting powers kick in.

6. Read – escape to another world.

I am currently reading Jenny Lawson’s new book, Furiously Happy. It’s funny and entertaining. I read it once I was done cooking and baking so I wouldn’t start feeling crappy again.

Similar to movies, books are distracting and reading is a wonderful way to not so much boost your mood, but to forget why you’re in a poor mood. 

7. Practice gratitude.

Yes, this was on the other list, too BUT it bears repeating due to its instantaneous mood-boosting power.

I was mad at a pretzel myself. I considered letting it ruin my entire night. (by the way, I’m fully aware of how completely ridiculous this is.) What if it was my last night on earth? There are people who are starving and have no access to food. There are people who have no money for food. I live in a place where pretzels are sold at check out counters and I don’t even have to think about how much they cost, I just swipe my card and go on my way. I struggled with a pretzel because I am overweight because I have too much access to food. My “problem” was so ridiculous.

Compare yourself to those less fortunate and I guarantee you’ll feel better about your current situation.

8. Meditate

Stop thinking about what’s bothering you. Sit in silence. Try to clear your mind, be in the present moment. Meditation helps you to refocus.

The pretzel was in the past. It was time to let go and stop worrying about it. Life goes on. It’s all good.

9. Go somewhere.

In your pajamas at 2:00 pm slugging on the couch feeling sorry for yourself? Nothing else appeals to you? Brush your teeth, throw on some jeans, run a comb through your hair and GO SOMEWHERE. Get some fresh air. Drink a latte and people watch at your favorite cafe, drive to the beach, grab a beer at a bar, go sit in a park.

The act of getting dressed and out of the house alone is enough to make you feel that you didn’t squander your day. Besides, you never know what you may see, how you may feel inspired, or who you might meet. At the very least, you got some fresh air.

10. Cuddle your pup! Or your cat (if that’s your sort of thing.) No pets? Watch funny or cute videos of animals.

I could create a list within a list and provide 9 reasons you should cuddle your dog more often. But instead, I’ll just link to this wonderful list since someone else already made one.

No pets? But still like to laugh at them? Then take your mind off of how you think you may have failed at life, and instead watch this wonderful video of dogs failing at being dogs. I dare you not to laugh.

You’re welcome.

If you feel down, and you are mindful enough to acknowledge it, then you’re mindful enough to do something about it. Now you have ten tips in your toolbox. 

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I had a crappy week at work. I’m not going into details, but I took work home with me emotionally and was generally just beaten down, stressed, anxious and aggravated. It happens.

There was a time during the week that I thought to myself, I haven’t felt this anxious in a while, and then let it go. It was a shitty week – this was to be expected. I still went out one night and had fun with present and former co-workers, rather than cancel. One night I fought off the urge to order pizza and made soup instead to comfort me. I missed two workouts, but I cut myself some slack. I thought I was doing pretty damn good considering my anxiety and general upset.

But then a friend said to me, “It’s been awhile since you were so off-center.” I immediately felt self-conscious. What had I done? 

“Am I really that off-center?,” I asked. “Can you tell me specifically what I have done/said that makes you think so? I’m curious and want to learn from it.” 

“You’ve been so upset.”

“Well, yeah,” I answered. “But isn’t that life? Isn’t it okay once in a while to just have a shitty week when something extra shitty is going on? Everyone gets upset at times.”

“I just worry that you’ll look back over this time and wish you had done something differently or handled it differently.”

That got to me and made me think.

Will this work crap matter in a year? Probably not, but it does matter now. I wish I was poised enough to have not let it bother me, but that’s not who I am. I am passionate and invested in the things that I do (and sensitive). I’m also still learning. As for what I could have done differently, sure, there were things, but then I thought of all the things I could have done worse. Things like call out sick? Go in the bathroom and cry? Eat junk food every night? Cancel on my co-workers? Not worked out at all? 

At some point or another I have done all of those things, but I have not done them in a long time. I have come a long way from the person I used to be. I am still a long way from the person I want to be, sure, and I am grateful to my friend for reminding me of that. 

My work woes are not over just yet, but I have decided to behave more like the person I want to be rather than the person I used to be, and I decided to try a better approach. I don’t expect to never be thrown off-center again. I only expect to handle it better every time. 

Starting now. So I came up with a few ways we can be “more better” when we’re upset:

1. Don’t skip workouts.

Exercise is a natural stress reducer and mood enhancer. I prefer to work out in the mornings but getting up at 5:15 am when I’m tired and dreading my day is damn near impossible. It’s times like this, however, that it’s more important than ever we start our day out healthy and strong. When I don’t work out it’s just another thing I’m bummed about, compounding the other nonsense.

2. Meditate more.

Had I meditated more this past week I would have given my brain a break from my anxieties and stresses and felt calmer. This is a no brainer.

3. Leave your problem where it belongs.

There was nothing to be done about my work issue outside of working hours so thinking about the problem was a complete waste of energy and robbed me of my free time. If your problem is isolated to a certain place, then leave it there.

4. Eat well – seek out healthy comfort foods. 

Stressful times are dangerous times when it comes to eating. We tend to look for mood enhancer foods: salty, sweet, etc. Indulge a little with some good chocolate if that’s what you need, but try to seek out healthier comfort foods like soups, lighter sandwiches, etc. I am getting much better at this, but can certainly be “more better”.

5. Express gratitude.

It’s easy to get into the mindset that everything sucks when there’s a significant problem, but surely not “everything” sucks. Take some time to reflect and express gratitude for the good stuff.

For example, even though work was upsetting, I am still extremely grateful to even have a job. My job gave me the means to go out with my co-workers and treat myself to Afghan food for lunch with my girlfriend, Kathy. Beyond the sustenance, I got to try something new, which is exciting and fun for me.

6. Talk to positive people who inspire the best in you. 

When upset, it is not the time to talk to that negative friend or family member that loves a good pity party and will only make you feel worse, or use that time to talk about their own problems. Talking through problems and venting is a good thing, but seek out the people who will listen and offer constructive advice or just listen and sympathize and help you move past it. My wonderful friend inspired this post!

7. Make self-care a priority.

Make time for reading, coffee with a friend, a nap, etc. – anything that helps you relax and feel better.

8. Be gentle to yourself.

Cut yourself some slack. You’re upset. Be sure to try to do all you can to help yourself through the funk, but if that means taking a long nap and not getting some chores done, then so be it. I’m not beating myself up over spending Wednesday night on the couch. It was what I needed and how I gave myself self-care.

9. Give a hug. Get a hug. 

If you need a hug, ask for one. Kathy suggests saying, “don’t let go until I let go.” A great spouse, friend or family member will happily oblige. Cry it out if you have to.

10. Avoid unnecessary drama. 

If you know that every time so-and-so calls, you end up hanging up the phone pissed off, then this is not the time to brave that phone call. You’re already upset – don’t subject yourself to more. Insulate yourself from life’s dramas and put them off until a time when you’re feeling more able to handle them with grace.

11. Bonus! And if all this fails, look at photos and videos of ELEPHANTS BEING AMAZING!

It always picks me right up.

Let’s all be “more better” together.

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Earlier this year I started downsizing my possessions. I purged my home of 902 items over two months playing The Minimalists minimalist game. It was a great experience, which you can read about here. I thought I had rid my home of everything expendable. But considering I just sent over 100 articles of clothing off to charity this morning, I realize I was wrong. That is thanks to the KonMari method of minimizing.

I had heard about Marie Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, but didn’t read it. I was the Minimalist Master! I didn’t need any help. But then my good friend, Kathy started reading and raving about it.

“I did the whole minimalism thing. I’m good,” I said.

“This is different,” she said.

If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know by now that Kathy knows what she’s talking about. So I bought the book.

Different, indeed! Expanding on the minimalist game, I decided to tackle purging yet again asking the question at the center of the KonMari method from the book: does this bring me joy?

The question never occurred to me. Looking around my bedroom, I realized I was surrounded by things that didn’t bring me joy. How could I ever hope to be happy?

Addressing Clothes that Don’t Fit

Following the KonMari method, you begin with clothing because it’s supposed to be easiest.

For me, getting dressed is incredibly frustrating. So much that there were times I canceled plans, rather than continue fighting with what to wear. Many mornings have been ruined and I’d wind up in tears, barraging myself with insults. Sounds sane and peaceful, right? This is because 75% of my clothes don’t fit me. Yes. I did the math. I refuse to accept my size the way it is right now (and has been for two years) so I only buy clothing that is absolutely necessary and instead choose to squeeze into things, and surround myself with clothes that simply do not fit no matter how much I suck in my belly. Is it any wonder I often don’t feel good about myself?

In a wonderful act of serendipitous timing, Kathy asked to spend the night since we had a work event early the next morning. We had been watching YouTube videos on vertical folding (you really want to start folding your clothes this way), so I asked if we could get some practice in while tackling my t-shirt/shirt drawer. We were probably more excited than most people should be to sort and fold clothes, but then again that is the magic of this method.

I explained to Kathy all about the clothes that don’t fit, a problem not mentioned in the book, so we had to improvise. “Put everything that sparks joy, but doesn’t fit, in a pile. We need to put them all away elsewhere,” she said.

“But won’t it be more motivating to see all the shirts that don’t fit?”  I asked.

“No, I don’t think so. You need to see all you really have and sit with that,” she said. Sitting with things has been a consistent message that pertains to more than just clothing.

We got to work. When we had finished, I looked at the mountain of shirts that didn’t fit, and then the tiny pile that did.

“That’s nothing!” I said, giving the tiny pile a shove. “I have no clothes now!” I shouted, frustrated.

“Sweetie, it’s all you had access to anyway.”

She was absolutely right.

Addressing the Emotions we Assign to our Clothes

Sorting and getting rid of clothes is an emotional process. I couldn’t have done it without Kathy. She asked the tough questions and reminded me to express gratitude. Holding every single shirt in my hands, I’d sigh at times and say, “I loved this shirt. But I don’t think it’s who I am anymore.”

“Then thank it for the good times you had in it and send it on its way.”

“Now this shirt! I had an amazing night in this shirt. I can’t possibly get rid of this,” I’d say.

“Does the memory exist without the shirt? Does getting rid of the shirt mean it didn’t happen?”

I confessed there were a lot more clothes already stored in my basement that didn’t fit. “Bring them up!” she said, excitedly. We were on a roll.

Most people’s hiking packs contain a tent, sleeping pad, pots, etc. Mine contains 50 plus pounds of clothing that is too small for me. I should strap it to my back and hike until they fit.

I took out each and every item. “You know I just did this in February, right?” I had gotten rid of so much stuff that was either out of style or didn’t suit me anymore during the minimalism challenge. But that’s why the KonMari method is so great – it takes minimalism and purging to a deeper level. Holding each article in my hands I asked if it sparked joy. So many pieces didn’t. I found that many simply represented someone I wanted to be. Not just a thin woman, but someone who wore flowing sun dresses on the beach. And again, this is why I suggest you have a dear friend’s help.

“Sweetie, you can lose weight, but your body will never be the shape required to wear that, just like I will never be able to wear maxi dresses.” (Kathy is quite short.)

Wordlessly, I’d toss her item after item to add to the goodwill bag.

Vertically Folding all that Remained

Finally came time for the fun part – vertical folding! No, I’m not crazy – folding can be fun (we discovered)! No more stacking shirts. Now everything is folded, finding the sweet spot where it stands on its edge on its own, so I can see everything, just like the spines of books on a bookshelf. It’s been so good for me to open a drawer that used to overwhelm me and now only find the options I have access to.

There was enough room to combine long and short sleeved shirts!

I tackled more drawers on my own since Kathy was over. My jeans drawer was crammed with over a dozen pairs. Guess how many I can currently wear? Three. I went through the remaining jeans and packed them away with the other clothes that bring me joy, but don’t fit. I then tackled my pants/shorts drawer. Once discarding and packing away what doesn’t fit, I realized I didn’t need two separate drawers. This is now my pants/jeans/shorts drawer containing three pairs of jeans, one pair of shorts, and two pairs of pants that don’t require a hanger.

So much room! If only my waistline could say the same.

I’m trying! You can tell by this collection of workout clothes!

Final Thoughts on the KonMari Method

I am convinced. If you think you don’t have enough room, you really just have too much stuff. Ask yourself, really, does this (insert any object here) bring me joy?

For some people, parting with inherited items, collectibles or mementos will be the hardest part. For Kathy, it was her son’s baby things. For me, it was clothes. This isn’t just about getting rid of things or tidying. It is about shedding that which no longer serves you or holds you back or maybe even keeps you from accepting who you are.

“The space in which we live should be for the person we are becoming now,” Kondo writes. “Letting go is even more important than adding.”

For the first time in my adult life, getting dressed is not an upsetting obstacle. Everything I see fits me and brings me joy. Today I wore a dress I haven’t worn in 15 months, patterned hose, heels and lipstick. I have been getting compliments all day long and I feel good about myself.

This is all part of the journey to a simpler, happier life and I am telling you, this step was magical. I highly recommend you pick up this incredibly appropriately named book, because it really is life-changing.

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When you start your day repeating 108 times “I have a choice”, the idea of choice stays with you throughout the day. So I’ve been asking myself: Am I choosing happiness? 

Ask yourself: Am I choosing happiness?

I’ve been working to limit the choices I make unconsciously when I’m emotional. But to do so, I’ve needed to learn how to pause and question my options. That’s been challenging, particularly because I’m a passionate and emotional person. When I’m able to pause, I’m no longer at the mercy of impulsiveness and options present themselves. Choosing the best option isn’t always easy, though. So to help me, I try to approach my options by asking, “what will bring me happiness?”

In The Art of Happiness, Howard C. Cutler, M.D writes, “Approaching our daily decisions and choices with this question in mind shifts the focus from what we are denying ourselves to what we are seeking – ultimate happiness” (36).

Let’s use emotional eating, something I am all too familiar with, as an example. Let’s say you had a bad day; you got caught in the rain without an umbrella so you were wet and cold all morning, work was stressful and nothing seemed to go right, and then you snapped at your spouse when you got home and now he’s angry with you. You’re hungry and your emotional response is to reach for the take-out menu and order your favorite greasy, cheesy comfort food.

But you pause and catch yourself. You remember that you have a choice and don’t have to allow your emotions to dictate what you eat. You become aware of your options: one, indulge in some comfort food or two, cook the salmon that is defrosted in the fridge and roast the vegetables you bought to go with it when you were feeling positive. Tough call. Look at each option and ask yourself: which will bring me happiness.

If you’re anything like me, pizza brings you happiness. But if you’re also like me, that happiness is fleeting and sometimes leaves you feeling guilty or with regret, particularly on days when pizza wasn’t planned and salmon is defrosted in your fridge. When asking if something will bring you happiness, I’m not referring to short term, fleeting, instant-gratification-happiness, like eating a slice of pizza, but a lasting happiness that doesn’t waiver with mood fluctuations and emotions.

Dr. Cutler writes:

“With this perspective, it’s easier to make the “right decision” because we are acting to give ourselves something, not denying or withholding something from ourselves – an attitude of moving toward rather than moving away, an attitude of embracing life rather than rejecting it” (36).

So rather than thinking that choosing salmon means denying ourselves pizza, we can think instead that by choosing the salmon we are giving ourselves happiness and embracing a healthier life, rather than rejecting it. This can be applied to nearly all small, day to day decisions. Stay in or go out? Vent your frustration or keep your mouth shut? Go to bed early or edit five more pages? Go to the gym or go home? What brings you more happiness may change in each situation.

The goal is to have control of one’s life and make decisions in our own best interests. We can pave the way toward a happier life with less guilt and regret, while letting go of victim-hood and the idea that circumstances rule over us. We just need to remember to pause and ask ourselves what will bring me happiness.

This is where I’m at now. Learning to slow down and remember I have a choice, assessing my options and making decisions that will bring us the most happiness.

Are you choosing happiness in your day to day life? I’d love to hear from you.

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When I started out the new year, minimizing possessions was not among my list of new year resolutions, nor was the arduous task of cleaning out my house even on my radar. It was sheer happenstance that in early January my friend, Amy shared information about The Minimalists minimalist game (#minsgame) and asked if anyone wanted to play. The rules were simple. For every day of the month, you get rid of that corresponding number of items by means of the trash, recycling, donating or selling. So on the third, you’d get rid of three things, on the 16th, sixteen things, etc. Without hesitation I expressed my interest. In fact, there was so much excitement we didn’t even wait for a new month. We started on January 8 with eight things, posting photos of our discard piles in a Facebook event we created for the challenge.

The Difference Between Cleaning & Cleaning Out

Let me explain that I’m no hoarder, and no stranger to cleaning out closets and drawers. I consider myself organized and neat. I dislike shopping so I tend to buy a lot at one time two to three times a year; new makeup, clothes, and several pairs of shoes. Whenever I do this, I clean out the make-up drawer, closets, and toss worn out shoes. In fact, last fall when I finally found myself with some free time, it was quite therapeutic for me to do a massive cleaning, especially of my home office. With the stress of the past few years, it had accumulated a lot of negative energy and debris from former projects. I cleaned it all, and even set up a little reading corner. I thought I had gotten rid of a lot and felt much better in the space. I’d soon learn the tremendous difference between cleaning and cleaning out.

When things are clean, everything is in its place, so there is little reason to question some thing’s existence. Usually, cleaning out happens when faced with a shortage of room. The t-shirt drawer won’t close? Probably a good time to go through it and free up some space. I think this is precisely the reason why I still had over twenty VHS tapes in a cabinet in my living room even though I don’t own a VCR – I didn’t need the real estate. Well, now that cabinet is virtually empty and I have nothing to fill it with. I’m perfectly okay with that. I created space. Little did I know I was also creating space in my life.

Questioning Something’s Purpose

As the challenge wore on, hunting for items to meet my quota, I learned how to question an items purpose and existence. I revisited areas of my house that I had only months ago cleaned out. I pondered over things, questioning my attachment to them, the root of it, the reality of whether or not it would serve me. Why did I still have those beat up Vans sneakers? Sure, I would never wear them again, but they weren’t hurting anyone sitting on the top shelf in my closet. Were they a happy memory or a subtle painful reminder of a former life? Those awesome pants four sizes smaller than I currently am… an inspiration? Or a taunt, mocking me from their hanger, one more thing to push aside as I rifle through my closet? That knick knack from a former friend; was it there for sentimental reasons or due to some false obligation? Regardless, the sight of it made me feel bad, but for such a brief moment that I never thought until now to get rid of it. While discarding items that prevented me from living in the present, I realized that inside my brain I was tucking away and shredding files I no longer needed, creating space in my mind, and in my life, to live more positively.

As for my office, half-way through the challenge I realized the true potential for the space. My books, my wonderful friends; trophies in a way… If a book no longer lives on a shelf, does it mean it was never read? No. I kept only my favorites and those that met a select criteria. By the time I was finished in my office, I had actually gotten rid of pieces of bookshelf, maximizing the use of the remaining furniture and eliminating all need for collapsible cubes I used to house more crap. It is now a breath of fresh air, a safe place, purged of its previous life and negative energies.

Minimizing Posessions & Letting Go

496 items later (I did go back and toss 28 things to represent Jan. 1-7), I realize this was a wonderful exercise in letting go. It became something I craved and looked forward to, leaving no room untouched; no cabinet, drawer or closet safe from my scrutiny. It was also contagious, I discovered, as my husband even joined in on the fun cleaning out his own closet and dresser drawers. Furthermore, it helped reinforce my resolution to live more frugally. I am much better now at resisting temptation and deciding if I really “need” something, or if it will just be something that gets tossed in a year. Minimalism seems to carry over into all aspects of life and it has been very fulfilling learning this newer way of thinking. Besides, less stuff means less work! Maybe having less can inspire us to be more…

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