Happy New Year!! I absolutely adore new years! The hope, the fresh start, the clean slate… New Year’s Day is my favorite holiday. Not New Year’s Eve, which in my opinion is one last day to enjoy vices, go to an early dinner for one last hurrah, watch a movie and go to bed. But New Year’s Day – a day of rebirth! This is the time of year where it is okay to NOT live in the present, but to reflect and plan. And I do love planning…

Before I get into that though, I want to share with you that Christmas was really wonderful, and I type this with watering eyes. If you read my Christmas post you know that my approach was to have zero expectations. I want to tell you that I was successful and that my family that was present had a lovely, low-key day. My mother was extraordinary and said that not having any pressure “made all the difference in the world.” We all needed it and we now have this memory of a peaceful Christmas in our hearts because we all let go of expectations and attachments of what it should be, and just let it be. This is a lesson I will carry far beyond Christmas.

This was a wonderful ending to a really challenging year. Like in any year, there are highs and lows. I finally graduated Saint Joseph’s University in May and was a commencement speaker, which was an incredibly proud moment in my life. But the road to graduation was a long, hard one. I co-edited a collection of short stories that was published in September, but the project involved far more time, unforeseen headaches and stress than I had ever imagined. In March I developed a terrible and consistent pain and after lots of testing I was ultimately diagnosed with an auto immune disease to which there is no cure. The majority of 2014 I was drowning in a sea of emotional and physical pain that I didn’t know how to handle. Several of my relationships suffered. I gained a lot of weight. I was losing myself.

Something had to change and that something was me. My obligations let up and I could finally breathe. My physical pain miraculously disappeared overnight. I finally had a chance to reflect and think about what I wanted. And that was when I cracked the nut on my suffering, and began this incredible journey. The night really is darkest before the dawn. The last few months of 2014 have been my dawn.

In that darkness, however, were also incredibly bright stars that lit up my dim world, and for those people and moments that kept me going, I am incredibly grateful. While some relationships suffered, others were forged and/or strengthened. I consider myself very fortunate to have such supportive and wonderful people in my life. Also, I finally got back on a surfboard after wanting to do so for fourteen years. Did I mention I graduated!?!

2014 was a year of many lessons and lots of learning, like not to overextend myself; to make sure I have “me” time for writing, reading, creating, LIVING, and more time for the people who are most important to me. 2014, I thank you for all the gifts you gave me; the good and the bad, the happy and sad, all the lessons and love and the role you played in my journey. I wish you sweet dreams.

2015, I welcome you enthusiastically! I have big plans for you! Here is what I have in mind:

1. I am going to continue on this journey, learning and growing, wherever it takes me. This includes practicing compassion, bravery, opening my heart, letting go, living in the moment, and ultimately working toward being a gentler, happier and more peaceful woman.

2. Every night I am going to write down my single happiest moment of the day and drop it into my Happiness Jar in order to practice living in the moment, self-awareness, and also so that I do not forget these amazing moments.

3. I am going to practice yoga and meditation more consistently.

4. I am going to lose weight! The goal is 56 pounds. I am also going to STOP counting calories. I have been doing it for five years and have gained weight. It clearly is no longer working. Time to let go of the wall, trust my knowledge, and stop obsessing over food.

5. I am going to quit smoking cigarettes once and for all! This habit is not in line whatsoever with the person I want to be.

6. Submit three stories, essays, etc. to professional publications.

7. Tighten/re-evaluate my finances and spending – live more frugally.

I am optimistic, excited, nervous. Change is on the horizon – I can feel it. And I don’t know what form it will take.

I wish you all a peaceful and happy new year. Thank you so much for being a part of my journey. What are your goals for the new year? Any traditions you care to share?

The Holidays are a tough time of year for most due to the high level of expectations and inevitable disappointments. It is almost impossible not to compare, with all the television commercials and catalogs assaulting us with images of what Christmas is supposed to look like. Roaring fires, bountiful buffets gorgeously garnished, caroling families, perfect gifts in perfect wrappings, lovers cuddling by the tree watching the snow fall, hot beverages dusted with freshly shaven chocolate in their hands.

This is an illusion carefully crafted to set the bar so high that we will spend great sums of money in order to try to achieve it. Even if the catalog Christmas does exist in some homes, the perfection is more than likely only on the surface. Forget to use a coaster and the mom of the house is sneaking away, unhinging her gritted teeth only long enough to slug some blackberry brandy and pop a Xanax.

For most of us, Christmas is chaos. It’s a race to get everything decorated, purchased, wrapped, mailed, and baked in time. The day itself involves obligations, lots of traveling, and enduring people you really rather not spend such a special day with. It is smiling at sarcastic comments clearly stemming from passive aggression, eating food that isn’t very good, adorning your best fake smile and exclaiming that yes, you really do like the [hideous] sweater.

The calmest and happiest are those who don’t sweat it. They take joy in their favorite traditions and rituals, and monitor their expectations. They seek out the good stuff, like a good chat in the corner with that awesome cousin they haven’t seen in a year, they know to bring their own craft beer, and they smile and endure the bullshit, because they know the secret of Christmas. And that is: Christmas is just a day. It is a day to make the best of, and to practice patience and love and compassion in the spirit of the season.

Over the years, I have lowered my expectations of Christmas to all-time lows and somehow still found myself being profoundly disappointed. I think the disappointment was worse because my expectations were so low that I couldn’t get my head around why they weren’t met. It was incredibly saddening and left me with a gauntlet of emotions to work my way through.

When my negative emotions I feel about the holiday season were being triggered back in October, I realized something had to change. And that ‘something’ was the only thing I actually had any control over. Me.

In a moment of wonderful clarity, I decided to expect nothing good or bad this Christmas and to relinquish all attachments regarding what I think Christmas should be. Like a snowy winter night, calm came over me.

With zero expectations, I cannot be disappointed on Christmas. Neither am I bracing myself for negativity and poor behavior. If I feel sad about it, I am living in the past. If I am worried about it, I am living in the future. My vision of this Christmas is only a blank canvas that will be painted as each moment unfolds.

And in the spirit of compassion, I think it’s important we all remember that everyone is going through something on Christmas; missing a deceased loved one, wishing they were somewhere else or with someone else, wondering if their estranged parent or sibling is thinking about them. I know that my mom tries so hard every year to make up for past years that she literally falls apart under the pressure and carries so much guilt that she can barely function come Christmas. This will be the year that her daughter will not be disappointed in her. I will not give her, or anyone else, the gift of additional suffering. And I will not be accepting that gift from anyone, either.

And if you need a few extra glasses of nog or another bottle of wine to keep a smile on your face, go for it! I hear calories don’t count on Christmas.

Thank you for reading.I wish you a very Merry Christmas, full of peace in your heart.