It had been a really rough week and a half. It was the first time in a while I sat in my counselor’s office and cried sad, thick, tired tears. What was wrong? Nothing. And everything. Despite all I’ve learned and my quest for balance, I had gone and done it again. I put too much on my proverbial plate and was overwhelmed. My quest for balance became unbalanced. As a result, all the tell-tale symptoms had appeared. Mike and I were bickering more, I didn’t feel well, I was highly sensitive, and I had a great desire to check out on the couch under a mountain of potato chips and chocolate in an effort to hide from the world and my responsibilities.

Becoming Unbalanced

The pressure had been building for a few weeks. I had tried to minimize my priorities, and I did cut a bit of the unimportant stuff. But it seemed I was still left with too much I considered a high priority. The thing is though, the great majority of those responsibilities were self-imposed. Things I had incorporated into my daily routine over the past several months in an effort to live a well-balanced life mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually: meditation, exercise, journaling, writing, cleaning and meal planning, and gardening among other things.

I think under normal circumstances I could manage it all, but work is particularly busy since our largest annual event is around the corner. There has also been a lot of random obligations and events taking up my time. Top that off with some serious PMS, and my quest for balance became unbalanced. That’s because keeping up with all of the self-imposed tasks resulted in stress. The stress brought me out of balance mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I tried to meditate and couldn’t quiet my brain from thinking of everything I “had” to do. Since I was stressed and over tired, my emotions were heightened and I argued with Mike. Physically, I felt run down. I started to feel sad.  That hopeless feeling began to creep into my thoughts like light fog.

I had ignored the warning signs, but couldn’t ignore the symptoms. I knew that something had to give.

Restoring Balance

And so I stopped doing everything from a sense of obligation and started evaluating what I needed, when, and if it would help or hurt me. Balance is a fine line. It is not uncommon for people trying to lose weight, for example, to begin exercising and eating healthy only to then take it too far by exercising too much and eating too little. There is a sweet spot when it comes to balance and we must be diligent to prevent the quest for balance from becoming unbalanced.

It was a mistake I made. There is little point in meditating, exercising, and writing every day if completing all those things leaves me exhausted and stressed and fighting with my husband. That’s not balance. Keep in mind the seven questions to ask yourself when deciding what is best for you (Is it good for your family, relationships, career, finances, health, self-development, and spirituality?).

Although all the things I want to do can be very good for me, I need to do them all at a time when they will be good for me. Now is not that time. Although I had gotten into a steady yoga practice, that is something I am temporarily taking a break from in an effort to restore balance (ironic isn’t it?). I miss yoga, but I just don’t feel strong enough at the moment for the practice. And those 5:00 am wake up times are killing me.

Hopefully within a couple weeks I can take back on all the things I want to do, including yoga. But for now, I’m picking and choosing and getting creative.

I am restoring balance by taking some weight off the scales. I’ll add it back on when I’m in a better place to handle it.

P.S. Questions for Life: Two Year Guided Daily Journal for Intentional Living is on sale for $3.00 off through May! Buy it now from Amazon.

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Following is the continuation of last week’s post, From Hating to Appreciating: Attempting To Love Your Body.

I’ve written before about how much I love the start of a new year. I imagine it was the high energy and positivity a new year brings that contributed to my second attempt at appreciating my body. January 17 was a bitter cold, dreary Sunday more than two months after my first attempt at completing A Course in Weight Loss‘ Lesson 7. The promise of snow lingered in the air and calm permeated my home like the scent of simmering soup. The weekend had been healthy and productive, my favorite kind. I had no further obligations and the clean sanctuary of my home office beckoned. The timing was perfect for ending an abusive relationship with my body and beginning an honorable one.

Preparation

I started with a long, steamy shower and concentrated on becoming more aware of my body as I prepared for the ritual before me. I sloughed my body of the dry skin that seemed to cover every inch of me, then slowly shaved my legs. This wasn’t my usual five minute shower, but more like the kind I take when I anticipate intimacy; giving of my body to someone else to enjoy. This time I prepared my body for intimacy with myself.

I concentrated as I slowly dried my skin, paying attention to each limb and joint. The silky material of my favorite robe felt pleasant against my skin. My awareness of my body increased as I sought to repair my relationship with the container of my soul.

Inside my office, I lit candles and incense upon my altar and played meditative music. I laid a towel on the floor directly before my altar and bowed to the Buddha before slipping off my robe. Standing naked and exposed, I battled embarrassment, shame and the urge to reach for cover. I stood tall, my hands in a prayer position at my heart. Snow started its slow and sporadic fall just outside the windows directly in front of me. I strived to summon the grace, strength, power and beauty of ancient kings and queens who regularly performed similar rituals.

Acknowledgement of Abuse

I reached for the oil. As the book instructed, I started with my feet. My cracked and calloused heels felt rough in my hands and guzzled the oil like desert dirt gulps rainwater. I apologized to my heels for giving them so much weight to bear.

Next, I lovingly smoothed the oil into the skin of my ankles and legs. I examined the scars and beginnings of varicose veins bright against the paleness of my flesh. So many scars… from accidents, bug bites, a tomboyish youth, all coupled with a horrible habit of scab picking. And then the pencil thin scars on the insides of my thighs. Not the stretch marks that are plentiful I assure you, but the marks I made myself many years ago. My eyes filled as the sight of those scars brought me back to my teenage bedroom. The sadness, loneliness and anger I felt then coursed through me. I cried for that teenage girl who felt so scared, so hurt, so lonely that she dragged razor blades across her flesh in order to feel something, anything other than what she was feeling.

I rubbed my thumbs gently over those scars lovingly as a parent might rub a smudge of dirt off a toddlers pudgy cheek. “I’m so sorry,” I sobbed over and over as I allowed myself to grieve, not just for my body, but for myself and the young girl I used to be. “I’m trying. I swear to you I’m trying so hard.”

I wrapped my arms around myself and hung naked in a sort of forward fold as my body wracked with sobs. My skin absorbed oil mixed with tears. When I was ready, I once again summoned the power of those ancient queens and stood tall once more.

Coincidence is indeed God’s way of remaining anonymous. Just yesterday I read these words spoken by Chris Cleave’s character, Little Bee in the book Little Bee:

“I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.”

I ask you all now to join with me in Little Bee’s pact. Let us all see scars as beauty. Okay?

Gratitude

I continued my upward journey as I thanked my skin for its ability to expand and apologized for making it have to. My belly. My belly is something I hardly ever look at in a mirror except to ensure it’s properly covered. It’s the palest part of my body, as white as the snow that fell just outside my window. I rubbed oil into it with both hands in a circular motion and apologized for hating it so much. I had rejected and detested my stomach, my core, the very center of me. In order to heal myself I now understand that I must make peace with my core and allow love to permeate the center of me.

Emotions continued their flash flood as I massaged my breasts with oil. Each was heavy in my hand. I have always disliked my breasts. They don’t make me feel sexy; they make me feel fat. More often than not, they are a nuisance. I have resented being told I should be grateful for them because men love large breasts. Excuse me if I don’t think that is a valid enough reason to graciously accept the many drawbacks of having large breasts.

But as I cupped my breasts in my hands I thought of my mother as she laid in her hospital bed post-mastectomy and placed her hand where her breast used to be and grieved the loss of her womanhood. And so I apologized to my breasts for disliking them. I apologized for not keeping them sacred and sharing them with far too many people who didn’t deserve access to my body so freely. I thanked them for not being cancerous.

The oil felt good against my skin and my body relaxed, responding to my touch, opening up to me, welcoming me. I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin and no longer felt the urge to cover up.

As I rubbed the oil into my back as best as I could, I apologized to my back for not being able to scratch and lotion it properly because I’m so wide. I apologized for the weakness of my core and shoulders that result in my poor posture, straining my back. I apologized that I’m so insecure at times I tend to huddle into myself, adding further stress to my back. Despite all this, my back truly has “my back,” so I thanked it for doing its job so amazingly well and praised it for its strength.

New Beginning

I covered the remainder of my body – my face, my ears, my neck. The sheen on my skin glistened in the flickering candlelight. I ran my hands slowly over my slippery surface, satisfied I hadn’t missed a spot. I sat on my towel in order to meditate on what I was feeling. Sitting cross-legged naked was so unfamiliar that I laughed out loud. “Here I am,” I thought. This was me in my purest state, nothing to hide behind. I looked down at my thighs, breast and belly and the way they all rested on one another unsupported by clothing. I sat up straight and lowered my eyes.

It’s true. I’ve fed my body excessive food, but too little love and care. It’s time to reunite my inner and outer self. I thanked my body for the way it moves despite everything I’ve done to it; for the miraculous way it heals; for the physical pain it endures and the resilience it demonstrates. I thanked it for the endless ways it supports me and for its power. Our skin is our biggest organ and I apologized for everything I exposed it to, environmentally, chemically, physically, all undeservedly. I thanked my skin for containing every single part of me.

Although I didn’t protect my body, it has protected me. I took advantage of my body and was in an abusive relationship with it. It took performing this ritual to understand all that. I am so grateful to have marked the beginning of an honorable relationship with my body. That was the goal of Lesson 7: to repair and restore the relationship between me and my physical self.

Like the oil, I think it’s safe to say it was absorbed.

P.S. Although I completed this ritual nearly seven months ago, I hadn’t wanted to write about it until now. It took me all these months to integrate the process and formulate my thoughts surrounding it. Now that I have, I feel the full benefits of the Lesson. If you’re working through A Course in Weight Loss, a similar book, a process of your own or simply wondering why I have been working through the same book for well over a year, please remember that change takes time, patience and space. 

The other morning I woke up extra early. I made coffee, lit incense, and settled in to my office’s corner nook to write. It was silent other than for the songs of birds and clacking of the keyboard. The early morning solitude inspired a blog post, an encouraging one, about productive early mornings, success and strengthening our discipline. But by the time I got home in the evening after a long and tiring day, I wasn’t feeling it any more. The optimism and energy inspired by my peaceful morning had been released little by little as the day kicked me around like an inflatable ball. By the end of it I was deflated and useless. So here I am now, trying again, wondering what can be salvaged of that post written when the day was so young. I’ve realized something new since then.

They say the most successful people are those who rise early. They are generally more disciplined and enjoy a hefty head start on the day. Typically my favorite days are those on which I am able to rise early and enjoy a productive head start of writing, meditating, and exercising. Those mornings seem to set a tone for the day and it’s lovely knowing those tasks are out of the way. The load is lighter.

But I don’t think successful people practice the habit of rising early just because they enjoy getting things off their plates. Perhaps they’re so successful because they have the self-awareness to realize they’re at their best in the morning before they get beaten down by the day’s demands. They have the skill of foresight; they know the chances of doing x,y,z later is slim. People who are typically less successful procrastinate and plan to do things late into the night, but find themselves exhausted, not only from the day, but also from carrying the weight of their dread around throughout it.

In the post I wrote the other morning, I explained that I struggle to get up early most mornings because I lack discipline and willpower. This is true, but also an excuse. I want to wake up early most days. Early morning is my favorite time, watching the sun creep up slowly while the neighborhood sleeps. Being awake makes me feel as I’m balancing the scales, taking back a little of what rightfully belongs to me after having wasted so much time.

But lack of willpower and discipline is an excuse. Convincing myself I can and will do things later is an excuse, a bargain I make with myself when my eyes sting from sleep and I’m far too comfortable to consider getting up. Some days I make good on those bargains, but other days I am too deflated after unexpected turns of events. Days have a tendency to change on a whim, like the weather in coastal Florida. We don’t anticipate bad news, getting stuck late at work, invitations to happy hour, or other occurrences, but they happen more often than not. Perhaps it is wiser to plan for them and enjoy those productive early mornings so that we can roll with the punches, rather than get our air knocked out. Best case scenario we find ourselves with a rare evening of guilt-free television watching. Those are the best.

So maybe I’ve been looking at it the wrong way. The other morning I thought it was all about needing to strengthen my resolve to get up early. Maybe I just need to acknowledge the facts and stop kidding myself. Writing is extremely important to me. Exercising every day is equally important. Meditating, too. It’s time I face the facts and admit that if I do not achieve these things in the morning, their likelihood of occurring decreases as the day wears on. It’s not entirely about willpower and discipline, it’s about admitting that if these things are as important to me as I claim, then I’ll make them happen. This is, I think, what makes people successful. Not their discipline, but their ability to set priorities and face reality. And the reality is, if we can’t even get out of bed to work toward our number one goals, then who are we to claim they’re extremely important to us?

I didn’t get up early this morning and I was supposed to help my husband with a project tonight. In a fortunate turn of events, he decided I’d only get in the way, so here I am clacking away in the evening. Thankfully it provided me with a chance to contemplate this whole morning thing. I’ve never once regretted waking up early, working out, or writing. I have only ever regretted missing opportunities to do those things. An extra hour or two in bed instead of working on a goal is a pretty shitty trade off. Not much feels better than accomplishment, I don’t care how comfortable your bed may be.

I’m going to try again tomorrow with this new understanding of how valuable the morning is. Morning rituals provide us the opportunity to literally rise to the occasion, the occasion being this one and only life. I realize now I’ve been a fool to hit the snooze button… all I’ve done is snooze the realization of my goals.
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My power recently went away on a week long vacation and left me to fend for myself. I didn’t manage well on my own and later wrote in this post about the harsh reality of weakness. Thankfully, my power returned just in time for the first day of spring. It helped me pull myself together and create space to be inspired by the changing season. Now, at this distance, I am able to reflect even more on what happened and what I may do different next time.

When I feel empowered I take care of myself mentally, physically and spiritually. After a week of not caring for myself, I craved nutritious food and exercise, so I hit the gym. For breakfast, I took inspiration from Instagram and made the breakfast/smoothie bowl you see below.

How can you not feel good when eating something so healthy, not to mention pretty!? To me, preparing and eating food like this is one of the most powerful ways to show self-love. It says: YOU’RE WORTH IT. Worth the money for fresh produce, worth the time to prepare a meal, and worth the effort to make it pretty.

I decided I was worth it not only on weekends, but weekdays, too and I enjoyed these breakfast bowls every morning before work. Here are some others I came up with:

I shared some of my bowls on Instagram and my friend Mieke later commented that my “power bowls” inspired her. How fitting!?

To make your own Power Bowl, start with a smoothie base of whatever combination you like, then top it decoratively with additional fresh fruit, seeds, chipped coconut, nuts, etc. The sky’s the limit!

It never ceases to amaze me how resilient the body is! It wants to feel good. Give it the proper fuel and take it out for a good drive every day and it will run at maximum efficiency. I ate beautifully and fresh for the remainder of the week and felt so energized. I practiced yoga, took long walks, meditated. I felt wonderful, and most of all, grateful. Grateful to have my power back and to be inspired and motivated once more.

But now I wonder if I was only able to have such a lovely week because I had inadvertently taken a lengthy break the week before…?

In response to my last post about my power going away, my friend Marie Gilbert, author and blogger, wrote about our need to “cocoon” in her post “When Absence is Necessary.” Her message to me was simple: Life is hard and the world is loud; time outs are essential to our well-being and there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about taking a step back.

I struggle with guilt and regret, two intensely negative emotions responsible for trapping me in vicious destructive cycles. I’ve been thinking about what she said, though, and I realized something. I blamed the upsetting event in my life recently for taking my power away and resulting in my having an unproductive, unhealthy week. Had I been strong, mindful and loving enough, I may have said to myself:

“Ya know what, that thing that happened SUCKED. It’s going to take us a little while to get over it, so let’s cocoon for a few days and be really gentle to ourselves. Let’s get some soup and healthy junk food, call out of work one day and read and nap all day. I won’t force you to go to the gym, but I think a few walks with Kathy will do you good, so at least shoot for that. I know you’re feeling too drained and indifferent to shop and meal plan but we both know you’ll feel much worse if you eat crap, so how about making at least one big comforting thing to eat all week? Deal?”

THAT is self-love and compassion. THAT is what I was unable to say and therefore why I was unable to take good care of myself, and why I experienced guilt over what ended up being something I really needed. I felt badly that I had given in to such negative emotions. I could have still taken a rest and given myself space without succumbing to the negativity. I could have come at it from a place of retreat… from a place of love.

One evening later that empowering week I practiced restorative yoga at home. Afterward, I was torn between meditating and laying on the floor in shavasana (rest pose). I decided I could do both. I lit some lavender incense and candles, played soft music, lowered the lights and laid down, covering myself with a blanket.  It was a random weeknight and as always, there were things to be done. But in an act of love and cocooning, I laid on my office floor, breathing, while Marie’s words echoed in my mind, fading away as I allowed it to clear, but not before a memory occurred to me. It was something a yoga teacher once said years ago. She said that going into child’s pose (a rest pose) when needed takes great strength because it requires you to admit you need a break.

That always stayed with me and it resonates even more today. So many people continue to carry on with life no matter how much it hurts or how tired they become because they lack the strength to admit they need a rest. Because of what my yoga teacher said, I’ve always felt empowered to go into child’s pose while practicing yoga if needed, but I never applied it to life, instead thinking those breaks were the result of weakness.

I’m going to be stronger for now on. Strong enough to take a rest when I need one, and gentle enough to not beat myself up over it.

If I were to ask you if you meditate, how would you interpret that question? Chances are you’d think, You mean do I sit with my legs crossed and try to be still and not think?

That would be a fair interpretation. After all, society has painted meditation in pictures like this:

Looks lovely, sure, but I don’t know anyone who meditates pantsless in a reflection pool with their head back like that – seems uncomfortable if you ask me.

Images like these can be intimidating to the novice. They paint a picture that you need serene outdoor space and solitude to meditate. The truth is you can sit down at your kitchen table right now, close your eyes and just breathe. You’d be off to a great start.

I’ve written about meditation before and I don’t want to be repetitive, so here is the link to my more comprehensive post with instructions and additional information.

My intention with this post is to reveal to you how much you already practice meditation without even realizing you do. Hear me out…

The act of meditation is wonderful for our well being; proven to lower blood pressure, relax the nervous system, relieve muscle tension, quiet the mind, and reduce anxiety, among many other benefits.

But what is the act of meditation? Meditating is what most people think it is, sitting in a chair or cross legged in silence trying to quiet the mind, but that’s only one form of meditation.

There are many other forms, countless forms! That’s because meditation occurs whenever you give something your complete concentration and attention.

Think of a project or activity you’ve done recently – perhaps you painted or built something, or tackled an arduous reorganization project; anything that required your full concentration. You didn’t think about anything that happened before or might happen later. You focused on the task at hand. Perhaps after a while you looked up at the clock and had no idea where the time went. But you didn’t worry, because you acknowledged it was time well spent. You felt… calm.

Sounds like meditation to me.

What about playing with your child? The giggling and games, the open heart? Joyous moments like these we tend to live in the moment. We don’t worry about messes or dinner, earlier arguments or future meetings. These are the moments we are fully present.

When I am out for dinner or drinks with friends talking and laughing, I am nowhere other than at that table or bar giving my full attention to the moment. These are the times we reflect on and think, I really enjoyed that. Sure, it was the company. But wasn’t it also great to not be weighed down with anxiety for the future or sadness over the past?

We can achieve these feelings even during chores! Real Simple Magazine cited that an October, 2015 study published in the journal Mindfulness reported that washing dishes can reduce a person’s levels of stress and anger by 27% – as long as it is done mindfully. Subjects were asked to focus on the act of washing (the scent of the soap, the warmth of the water, how the dishes felt) while leaving others to just do it. Those who concentrated on the task experienced the 27% reduction in nervousness and bad feelings and enjoyed a 25% boost in mental inspiration. The distracted washers experienced nothing.

This is why I say there are countless forms of meditation because meditation occurs whenever you give something your full concentration. A sport, activity, project, moment, hobby… People knit because they say it’s calming, but they get to keep moving. People play tennis because it requires their full attention but they get to blow off steam. You can meditate in so many ways! Just be all there.

If you only take away one thing from this post, let it be this: look for stolen moments of meditation and take advantage of them. Try it while you make dinner tonight or walk your dog. Allow yourself to enjoy the activity and to be present and mindful. Take in the cooking smells or the feeling of cold air on your face. Breathe. Don’t worry about what happened before or what happens after. Give your full attention to the task at hand. Take it in.

Be present. And you, too can acquire the many benefits of meditation.

A few weeks ago, the entire staff of the small nonprofit organization I work for took a field trip to a Mindfulness Institute. For two hours, we learned about and practiced mindfulness; relaxing, breathing, being present, paying attention and listening under the guidance of the Director of the Institute. Only two of us on staff had ever practiced mindfulness, so it was encouraging to be there with my colleagues. Some were more open to the experience than others, but that is to be expected.

First we took some time just being aware of our bodies in the room. Many staff confessed they felt stressed by taking two hours out of the work day and couldn’t stop thinking about everything they still had to finish. They were back in their offices, not in the airy, bright space where we were all seated in a circle, and they were feeling worse instead of better. But we practiced focusing on our bodies; our feet on the floor, our butts in the chairs, and we breathed. Our moderator reminded us that there was nothing we could do about the work because we were there in the room, a very simple fact that so often people forget. Worrying is just a waste of energy.

We also practiced mindful movement with several quigong exercises. Quigong is a holistic system of coordinated
body posture and movement, breathing, and meditation used for health,
spirituality, and martial arts training. I’m not a big fan of Quigong or tai chi, which I have also practiced a few times, but I respect their value. 

What was most profound for me was the last exercise we did, an exercise in listening. We all split up into pairs and our moderator began explaining that one of us would be given a topic to talk about and the other was to listen, only listen, and remain completely silent. She continued for a few moments about the exercise and made a point of saying, “And I haven’t told you what you’d be discussing yet because I know you’d all stop listening to me and start thinking about what you’d say.” How right she was. 

I was designated to speak first and my partner, a dedicated volunteer, was to listen to me. At last we were told to speak about something we’re grappling with. For two to three minutes I spoke about my concerns regarding the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and how I don’t really like this time of year. I found that I was talking faster and faster, not to fit more in, but because having this woman’s undivided attention somehow felt selfish, like I was wasting her time. She nodded in agreement and smiled and made other sorts of sympathetic gestures, but didn’t say a single word!

I realized that not being interrupted for two to three minutes and just being able to speak seemed so foreign, so unnatural. Do we really all interrupt with our own thoughts and questions, advice and suggestions, stories and experiences so often that speaking uninterrupted feels… strange?

Next we were told to talk about how we plan to deal with what we’re grappling with, and again I spoke uninterrupted for a minute or two. 

Then it was my turn to listen. I don’t know this woman personally. She is extremely personable and I enjoy working with her, but I realized as she was telling me about what she’s grappling with that I don’t know her at all. I listened attentively, grateful to have been given explicit instructions not to speak because once we were done, I felt as if I had given her a gift, the gift of my full attention and a chance to speak uninterrupted. In return, I felt as if I had been given a gift as well, the gift of her honesty and openness.  

Then she spoke for another minute or two about how she plans to deal with what she’s grappling with. We spoke to one another for no more than five minutes each, but before we went back to our original seats, we embraced. In under ten minutes our relationship strengthened, simply because we spoke and listened to one another. 

Someone once told me that when we interrupt someone, we are saying that what we have to say is more important than what they have to say. It is absolutely true. We want to say something so badly that we can’t just wait. In doing so, we take control of the conversation, like a passenger taking control of the wheel of a car. 

But what about active listening? We talked about that after the exercise as a group. I said, “At no point did I want to make the conversation about me by telling a similar story, or offer advice, but I did feel the urge to agree or ask a question.” Many of us have been told to ask questions to express our interest. It is a social tool we all use to engage in conversation.

The Director’s response to this will stay with me. She explained that when we ask questions, we take control of the conversation. Now the speaker feels obliged to answer our question, redirecting them from their thought process and what they may have said. 

It blew my mind. 

I don’t want to be a crappy listener. Being given the chance to speak uninterrupted about what I was grappling with gave me the chance to formulate all my ideas about what I was feeling. Had my partner asked me a question, I would not have found it rude. It’s what we do. But in answering, I would have switched gears and allowed her to take control of the wheel and steer my thoughts in a direction of her choosing. I understand this now. For now on, I will practice holding my questions until whomever I’m listening to has stopped speaking.  

There was one other thing I took away from the exercise that I’d like to share. It occurred to me that no one in that room raised their hand and said, “But I’m not grappling with anything.” 

We are ALL grappling with something. In practicing mindfulness, I think it is skillful to keep this in mind. Remembering that no one is immune to suffering creates room for compassion and kindness. 

In August I wrote a list of ten things you can do to feel better when you’re feeling crappy. Things like be gentle to yourself, eat well, avoid negativity, etc. All great things and all proven to help you feel better. I stand by all of them. But sometimes those just aren’t enough. So here to help are ten more mood-boosting tips to feel better.

But what about when you practice all those things regularly and life is generally going good and then you go to the store to buy a salad for dinner and there are soft pretzels at the counter and you sort of black out and buy one and then eat it as you walk down the street and then you’re on the train and you realize you’ve ruined your healthy-eating streak and all your hopes for the evening are ruined and instead of cooking and writing and paying bills you want to lay on the couch like this…

Do check out Hyperbole and a Half and the artist responsible for this photo

…while shaking an angry fist in the air with a word bubble that says “Damn you, Pretzel! Goddamn you straight to HELLLLLLL!”

We as people have a tendency to wallow in our funks. When we feel depressed, nothing is appealing so getting out of the funk can be difficult. It takes energy, which is in short supply, hence why we tend to lay around on the couch.

But to those of us who know the mood is only temporary and that we’ll most likely regret “wasting” time once we feel better, it’s skillful to pro-actively take steps to defeat the funk and feel better instantly.

Lucky for me I had just accidentally carbo-loaded (which got me into this funk). Note: I know there’s nothing really wrong with a pretzel; all in moderation – yeah, I know, but I was on a really good streak and processed white flour often sends me into a carb binge. Back to the carbo-loading: so even though I did lay like a slug for a bit, I did have physical energy, just no mental desire or motivation because I was mad at a pretzel myself.

It’s times like this when you need to do something that works instantly!

10 Mood-Boosting Tips to Feel Better Instantly

1. Listen to happy music

One of many days I was angry with my husband, I decided I wanted to stop being angry, so I fired up Spotify’s Mood Booster playlist. I felt better instantly (and kind of silly listening to such happy-go-lucky music). Anyway, when he came in the room I changed my mind and decided I did still want to be mad so I prepared to say something not nice, took a deep inhale, and instead I STARTED LAUGHING. I just couldn’t be mad. It was too ridiculous to be mad when Pharrell’s “Happy” was playing in the background. Then he started laughing and asked why I was listening to such crappy music and I said, “Don’t knock it. Pharrell’s the reason you’re not being yelled at right now.”

We often want to listen to music that matches our moods. Sad music for a broken heart, hardcore for when we’re angry. Happy, fun music tricks the brain into having a good time. So build a playlist full of whatever floats your boat, or use one of the many playlists that already exist to get you feeling better in no time.

2. Phone a friend!

Tell them you feel bummed and ask them to help you feel better. A good friend will happily oblige. Or at the very least distract you long enough to forget why you’re feeling crappy. My go-to friend has a way of tricking me into saying what I wanted to do and then making me PROMISE I’ll go do that. Ugh, it’s so annoying.

3. Exercise. Get those endorphins flowing.

Yes, this was on the other list, but it bears repeating for its instant results. Go for a jog, hit the gym, take a walk, drop in for a yoga class. Just MOVE. If you’re feeling crazy, you can even combine #1 and #3 and listen to happy music while you run – now that’s just insane mood boosting right there!

4.CREATE something… ANYTHING. Bake, cook, build, paint, collage, write, sew.

This is so fulfilling, distracting AND rewarding. Doing an activity will take effort so ask for help if you need it. The night of ‘the pretzel incident’ I said to my husband, “I want to cook for the week and bake banana bran muffins, but i don’t have the motivation.” He said I should do it and offered to clean everything up afterward. Having help was enough to get me started and once I got started, I felt so much better.

5. Watch a movie – something funny or feel-good – or one of your favorites.

Television and movies are also distracting and can be very mood-enhancing depending on what you watch. So turn on the tube, binge-watch some Netflix, or pop in a movie and slug it up on the couch until the mood boosting powers kick in.

6. Read – escape to another world.

I am currently reading Jenny Lawson’s new book, Furiously Happy. It’s funny and entertaining. I read it once I was done cooking and baking so I wouldn’t start feeling crappy again.

Similar to movies, books are distracting and reading is a wonderful way to not so much boost your mood, but to forget why you’re in a poor mood. 

7. Practice gratitude.

Yes, this was on the other list, too BUT it bears repeating due to its instantaneous mood-boosting power.

I was mad at a pretzel myself. I considered letting it ruin my entire night. (by the way, I’m fully aware of how completely ridiculous this is.) What if it was my last night on earth? There are people who are starving and have no access to food. There are people who have no money for food. I live in a place where pretzels are sold at check out counters and I don’t even have to think about how much they cost, I just swipe my card and go on my way. I struggled with a pretzel because I am overweight because I have too much access to food. My “problem” was so ridiculous.

Compare yourself to those less fortunate and I guarantee you’ll feel better about your current situation.

8. Meditate

Stop thinking about what’s bothering you. Sit in silence. Try to clear your mind, be in the present moment. Meditation helps you to refocus.

The pretzel was in the past. It was time to let go and stop worrying about it. Life goes on. It’s all good.

9. Go somewhere.

In your pajamas at 2:00 pm slugging on the couch feeling sorry for yourself? Nothing else appeals to you? Brush your teeth, throw on some jeans, run a comb through your hair and GO SOMEWHERE. Get some fresh air. Drink a latte and people watch at your favorite cafe, drive to the beach, grab a beer at a bar, go sit in a park.

The act of getting dressed and out of the house alone is enough to make you feel that you didn’t squander your day. Besides, you never know what you may see, how you may feel inspired, or who you might meet. At the very least, you got some fresh air.

10. Cuddle your pup! Or your cat (if that’s your sort of thing.) No pets? Watch funny or cute videos of animals.

I could create a list within a list and provide 9 reasons you should cuddle your dog more often. But instead, I’ll just link to this wonderful list since someone else already made one.

No pets? But still like to laugh at them? Then take your mind off of how you think you may have failed at life, and instead watch this wonderful video of dogs failing at being dogs. I dare you not to laugh.

You’re welcome.

If you feel down, and you are mindful enough to acknowledge it, then you’re mindful enough to do something about it. Now you have ten tips in your toolbox. 

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The last time I wrote about A Course in Weight Loss, it was on lesson #3. I had described my altar as my safe place and what creating your safe place entails. Since then, my altar has become crowded, but in a good way. Over the weekend I completed lesson #6, so as part of my commitment to doing all the work entailed in the book and reporting back to you here, I will use this post to recap lessons #4-6. Before I do so, however, I want to report that somewhere around lesson #5, a shift finally occurred in my relationship with food. For the first time in a very long time, I feel that I have a modicum of control over food and not the other way around. This is in thanks to the tools I am learning and the work I am doing.

Again, I remind you that these lessons do not only apply to weight loss, but to all unwanted areas of life: addiction, unhappiness, etc. Also, these are only recaps. If you want to do the work in this wonderful book, please do pick it up and read it for yourself so you get all the information.

Lesson #4 is titled, “Invoke the Real You” and is about facing down the fears that feed our compulsions, and realizing that our bodies at their healthiest, happiest, and most creative already exist and dwell in divine possibility. Marianne Williamson writes that our healthier figures are not just vague hopes dangling out in the universe somewhere– rather, they are divine imprints gestating within us. “The same God who created roses created you,” she writes. “Nothing you have ever done and nothing that anyone has ever done to you could make imperfect what God created perfect.” 

Through spiritual practice we can find our way back to our real selves: through prayer, meditation, forgiveness, and compassion. So in lesson #4 we meditate on removing any fear we have of being who we really are. No one is holding us back except ourselves. “You are cruel to you,” Williamson writes. “You are withholding from you. You are harming you.”

Embracing the power of positive thought and the law of attraction, ideas I already believe in, lesson #4 teaches us that the more we embrace the image of a beautiful body and emotionally permit ourselves to desire one, the more our subconscious minds will make one manifest. Therefore, rather than comparing and contrasting our bodies with those in magazines, which usually leads to a seesaw of alternating motivation and despair, we will project our real selves into the world, creating a new image for ourselves rather than the ones that have always existed with our flabby stomachs and double chins.

I was with Williamson until she suggested self-imposing my head onto images of beautiful bodies. I thought this was pretty ridiculous, to be honest and I felt embarrassed. In fact, it took me a couple weeks to be convinced that I should. Since my beauty apparently already exists, the more I claim it as already existing, the more quickly it will materialize. Supposedly.

So I did it. I tore out four photos from my favorite catalog, Athleta, and cut my head off photos and taped them over the models, fully prepared to blame the book should anyone decide to have me committed for this strange act. I placed the four images on my altar. And you know what? I love looking at them. The very next morning when my alarm clock went off at the dreadful hour of 5:00 am, I hit the snooze button. Then I thought of those images of myself with the body I dream of, and I got my ass up and to the gym. Envisioning your face on the body you desire really is a helpful tool.

As an overweight person, you have given birth to the body of your suffering; it’s time now to give birth to the body of your joy. – M. Williamson

Lessons #4-6 all represented on my altar.

Lesson #5 is titled “Start a Love Affair with Food” but I prefer to call it, “Let’s Go Shopping!” First of all, Williamson acknowledges that many of us are at home thinking “Ummm, shouldn’t we be ending our love affair with food?” and I love her response.

What you’ve had up to this point has been an obsessive relationship. THERE IS NO LOVE THERE. Pain and compulsion and self-hate are not love.”

So to begin this love affair, in summary we need to learn to eat mindfully and appreciate our food for how it contributes to our health. “The eating patterns of an overeater are chaotic, fearful, furtive, and out of control.” This lesson is a plan for “dissolving your hysteria and filling your emptiness by replacing it with love.” We can attain healthy neutrality toward food by learning to love it, and the only food we can really love is food that loves us back. Sundaes may give us a momentary high, but so can crystal meth. Things full of sugar and processed chemicals bring us lots of things, but you will not find love amongst the higher cholesterol and increased cancer, diabetes, cardiovascular disease and food allergy risks, not to mention the weight gain. Foods that love you contribute to your well-being.  

So in lesson #5, we learn to build a new ritual: the ritual of healthy, wise, non-secretive, and loving eating. And we get to go shopping! Because this ritual involves a new beautiful napkin, new beautiful plate, new beautiful placemat, new beautiful glass, and new beautiful knife, fork and spoon. (I threw in the new beautiful bowl by choice.) These things must be new because we can’t build new rituals using the tools that represent the old.

If that word “ritual” still brings up negative connotations for you, I suggest you read my post “Demystifying the Ritual” or remembering that secretive and excessive eating is also a form of ritual so please don’t try to argue that ritual isn’t for you.

These items must be beautiful because beauty is sacred. Also, nothing need be expensive. My entire place setting pictured below cost less than $20, but it is beautiful and I love it! I washed everything and set it up on my altar, as the book instructs, to beckon the real you… the healthy person who has not quite arrived yet. This place setting can be used whenever I feel like it. I guarantee you that I will not be loading my plate and bowl up with junk. Eating off of these items will be an act of love and mindfulness.

Lesson #5 and #6. A lotus flower is etched into the glass!

Lesson #6 is titled “Build a Relationship with Good Food.” In Lesson #5 we start the love affair, but lesson #6 will help us when that love affair begins to lose its excitement, like when a salad every day no longer does it for you. Contrary to what you may assume, I am a very healthy eater. I cook and eat “real” food. My issue is over-indulgence and emotional binge-eating.

So when lesson #6 instructed me to go buy a piece of fruit, any piece of fruit, I wanted something I have never had before because me and fruit are already in love. I wanted to meet fruit’s exotic cousin.

Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the majesty of a mountain? Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the beauty of a flower? Is there anything man has created that can begin to compare with the power of a river or the force of a rainstorm? Then why is it that when it comes to food, people have developed this ridiculous notion that we’ve somehow improved on God? That chemically processed food is somehow preferable to what nature has to offer?

– M. Williamson

Enter sexy, mysterious dragonfruit! Rawr!  I placed the dragonfruit on my altar for a day then the next morning (after googling how to cut it – it looks way more intimidating than it is), I cut it up and placed it in my beautiful new bowl on my altar and performed the meditation in the book. It was an exercise in mindful eating and an act of love. After a few bites, I decided it would be better as a smoothie so I blended it with banana and beet and almond milk, but I don’t think it minded.

Lesson #6. Dragonfruit whole, diced, smoothied.

A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever is changing my dysfunctional relationship with food. That relationship has been a source of my suffering so this weight loss journey is running parallel with my journey to be a more compassionate person. The work is going hand in hand, two lines that weave along together in the same direction toward the same destination: happiness.

I had a crappy week at work. I’m not going into details, but I took work home with me emotionally and was generally just beaten down, stressed, anxious and aggravated. It happens.

There was a time during the week that I thought to myself, I haven’t felt this anxious in a while, and then let it go. It was a shitty week – this was to be expected. I still went out one night and had fun with present and former co-workers, rather than cancel. One night I fought off the urge to order pizza and made soup instead to comfort me. I missed two workouts, but I cut myself some slack. I thought I was doing pretty damn good considering my anxiety and general upset.

But then a friend said to me, “It’s been awhile since you were so off-center.” I immediately felt self-conscious. What had I done? 

“Am I really that off-center?,” I asked. “Can you tell me specifically what I have done/said that makes you think so? I’m curious and want to learn from it.” 

“You’ve been so upset.”

“Well, yeah,” I answered. “But isn’t that life? Isn’t it okay once in a while to just have a shitty week when something extra shitty is going on? Everyone gets upset at times.”

“I just worry that you’ll look back over this time and wish you had done something differently or handled it differently.”

That got to me and made me think.

Will this work crap matter in a year? Probably not, but it does matter now. I wish I was poised enough to have not let it bother me, but that’s not who I am. I am passionate and invested in the things that I do (and sensitive). I’m also still learning. As for what I could have done differently, sure, there were things, but then I thought of all the things I could have done worse. Things like call out sick? Go in the bathroom and cry? Eat junk food every night? Cancel on my co-workers? Not worked out at all? 

At some point or another I have done all of those things, but I have not done them in a long time. I have come a long way from the person I used to be. I am still a long way from the person I want to be, sure, and I am grateful to my friend for reminding me of that. 

My work woes are not over just yet, but I have decided to behave more like the person I want to be rather than the person I used to be, and I decided to try a better approach. I don’t expect to never be thrown off-center again. I only expect to handle it better every time. 

Starting now. So I came up with a few ways we can be “more better” when we’re upset:

1. Don’t skip workouts.

Exercise is a natural stress reducer and mood enhancer. I prefer to work out in the mornings but getting up at 5:15 am when I’m tired and dreading my day is damn near impossible. It’s times like this, however, that it’s more important than ever we start our day out healthy and strong. When I don’t work out it’s just another thing I’m bummed about, compounding the other nonsense.

2. Meditate more.

Had I meditated more this past week I would have given my brain a break from my anxieties and stresses and felt calmer. This is a no brainer.

3. Leave your problem where it belongs.

There was nothing to be done about my work issue outside of working hours so thinking about the problem was a complete waste of energy and robbed me of my free time. If your problem is isolated to a certain place, then leave it there.

4. Eat well – seek out healthy comfort foods. 

Stressful times are dangerous times when it comes to eating. We tend to look for mood enhancer foods: salty, sweet, etc. Indulge a little with some good chocolate if that’s what you need, but try to seek out healthier comfort foods like soups, lighter sandwiches, etc. I am getting much better at this, but can certainly be “more better”.

5. Express gratitude.

It’s easy to get into the mindset that everything sucks when there’s a significant problem, but surely not “everything” sucks. Take some time to reflect and express gratitude for the good stuff.

For example, even though work was upsetting, I am still extremely grateful to even have a job. My job gave me the means to go out with my co-workers and treat myself to Afghan food for lunch with my girlfriend, Kathy. Beyond the sustenance, I got to try something new, which is exciting and fun for me.

6. Talk to positive people who inspire the best in you. 

When upset, it is not the time to talk to that negative friend or family member that loves a good pity party and will only make you feel worse, or use that time to talk about their own problems. Talking through problems and venting is a good thing, but seek out the people who will listen and offer constructive advice or just listen and sympathize and help you move past it. My wonderful friend inspired this post!

7. Make self-care a priority.

Make time for reading, coffee with a friend, a nap, etc. – anything that helps you relax and feel better.

8. Be gentle to yourself.

Cut yourself some slack. You’re upset. Be sure to try to do all you can to help yourself through the funk, but if that means taking a long nap and not getting some chores done, then so be it. I’m not beating myself up over spending Wednesday night on the couch. It was what I needed and how I gave myself self-care.

9. Give a hug. Get a hug. 

If you need a hug, ask for one. Kathy suggests saying, “don’t let go until I let go.” A great spouse, friend or family member will happily oblige. Cry it out if you have to.

10. Avoid unnecessary drama. 

If you know that every time so-and-so calls, you end up hanging up the phone pissed off, then this is not the time to brave that phone call. You’re already upset – don’t subject yourself to more. Insulate yourself from life’s dramas and put them off until a time when you’re feeling more able to handle them with grace.

11. Bonus! And if all this fails, look at photos and videos of ELEPHANTS BEING AMAZING!

It always picks me right up.

Let’s all be “more better” together.

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Where is your safe place? Meaning, where do you go when you’ve had enough for one day or when you’re depressed, hurt, broken-hearted, angry, or just need a break? For many people, it’s home, but where in your home? Do you have a place where you can shut out the world and be left alone?

Mine was always my bed. For as long as I can remember I have retreated to my bed to eat, hide, cry, scream into my pillow, and most of all… sleep. I can slip into bed at 6:00 pm on a terrible day and not wake up for over twelve hours. I have always been able to do this. Sleeping has been my secret weapon for hiding from people, passing the time when I was young and bored and waiting for a boy or friend to call, mending my broken heart after break-ups, or forcing my brain into an off position to stop relentless thoughts.

Despite all that rest, I have grown weary of sleeping my life away. I don’t want a place to hide, but instead a place to heal. I want a true safe place, one where I can go not to pass time or shut down, but to calm down.

For many people another comforting place, albeit very temporary, is the kitchen. That’s where the food is. Perhaps this is why A Course in Weight Loss calls for creating a safe place in Lesson 3. At times of struggle, our deepest desire isn’t really for food, “but for the experience of home,” Marianne Williamson writes. “Your deepest desire is not for food, but for love.” According to her, unconscious eating stems from a starvation of healthy self-love and the struggle to find it elsewhere.

If fear’s headquarters are our beds, kitchens, bars, etc., where are love’s headquarters?

Love’s headquarters exist at our altars, so it is important we create a place in our homes that remind us that love is the true power in our lives. This will provide us with a safe place to go when we are feeling afraid, sad, angry or ready to give up.

To create an altar in your home, consider what area of your home is best – a spare bedroom, a corner in the basement? It should be a place where you can have privacy, set up an altar, and sit comfortably. I am fortunate to have a home office, a room all my own.

Your altar should celebrate and support your willingness to love yourself and be healthy. Try not to get hung up on the word altar. By “altar” I mean only a table or flat-topped surface, such as an end table or board set on books, used as a place of focus for a ritual. And by ritual, anything goes: reflection, meditation, prayer, journal writing, reading…. any acts of love you perform for yourself. For example, my Happiness Jar sits on my altar. It is part of my ritual to write down my happiest moment from every day on a piece of paper, fold it up, and drop it into my jar.

Once you have identified a place in your home and selected your altar, place upon it beautiful and meaningful objects that remind you of the love you hope to bring to yourself and your spirit. Pictures, prayer books, statues, prayer beads, books, fresh flowers, your journal… anything that expresses your devotion to love and a more beautiful life. Nothing negative. You don’t want a picture of your ex-boyfriend here even if you still love him tremendously. This is a place for your most favorite things.

This is my altar and its contents:

My altar is an antique traveling trunk, a gift from my mother when I was a teenager. I store my sentimental items inside it. Atop the altar are scented candles: one was a gift from my brother and sister-in-law, purchased in Morocco, and it reminds me of them whom I love dearly, but also of adventure and travel; one represents love and smells of lemongrass; one is orange, representative of the sacral chakra where I carry the majority of my stress; the salt votive holder on the right is also for aiding my sacral chakra and is on (permanent?) loan from my dear friend, Kathy.

In front are two incense holders carved out of stone into elephants. The holders accommodate cones and sticks and I always burn it when I meditate/pray or spend any time before my altar. (Aromatherapy does wonderful things for the body and the scent of burning incense calms me immediately.) I adore elephants and consider them exceptional creatures. I also identify with them as my spirit animal so they are important to me. One was a gift from a dear friend whom I love very much, and the other I purchased for myself on a wonderful day, so it is associated with a lovely memory.

On the left is a water globe from my husband, which contains orange-hued trees and when you shake it, orange leaves swirl all around. I love autumn; the scents, the imagery, the weather, the foods, and this globe encapsulates all those sensations for me. It is also orange, which again is good for opening my sacral chakra.

In the center is a seated Buddha and to the right is a crying Buddha. The seated Buddha inspires me to be calm and still and to empty my mind, and also to respect the place I have created for myself. As for the crying Buddha, there are several legends and symbols. Common symbolism is that the Buddha weeps for all humankind, suffering from all the troubles in the world so that we do not have to. For me though it is also a reminder that someone even as strong and poised as the Buddha suffers, and it is okay to feel pain and to cry for this world we live in. Life is hard. In front of the crying Buddha is a small little novelty laughing Buddha. It makes me smile. No matter how still or calm I can become, I always want to cry into my hands… but also to laugh deep inside my belly. I also have a piece of rose quartz to trace over my face in times of need. It is said to help nurture and also to inspire love in one’s self and others. At the very least, it is calming. There is also a little angel stone that reminds me of my mother.

Behind the seated Buddha is my Happiness Jar, a collaged and decoupaged pickle jar that contains my happiest moment from every day. My mala (prayer beads) rests to the right of it on a small wooden carved elephant given to me by an employee I managed over twelve years ago. I do not remember her name, but I have kept it all this time. On the far left is my Buddha Board. You write on it in water and the words evaporate so what you write literally fades away, a visual that assists in letting go.

This is what those words looked like after less than a minute:

Although this altar has existed in my home half a year now, I am not in the habit of going to it when I am upset. In fact, I have avoided it at times of distress for fear of contaminating the space I have so lovingly created for myself. I realize only now this is ridiculous. It’s like buying a fancy car and only driving it when you’re dressed up. This space is magical for me and has everything I need to calm me and reinforce love in my life. With the help of Lesson 3 I see now that this is the safe place I have been lacking despite it being right in my home.

Marianne Williamson writes:

On any given day when you feel triggered, when you are deeply drawn to the ritualistic dance of self-hatred that is overeating [or drinking, smoking, etc.], you will have more power to resist if on that day you already experienced the power of your altar.

And if you haven’t already experienced its power, then go to it and allow it to fill you with love.

Also, please consider a donation to Save the Elephants and help save these majestic creatures.