When I first started this blog and wrote of my desire to be gentle and compassionate, I only had others in mind. I wanted to be a nicer and more loving person to those around me. Nowhere in that sentiment was I expressing an interest in being kinder or compassionate with me personally. I completely overlooked myself.

It wasn’t until I was well on my journey that I realized the need for self-compassion. The old adage that we cannot love others until we first love ourselves has validity. It is this love and fulfillment within ourselves that inspires others. It is also what enlightens us to our interdependence, making us willing to share ourselves with the world. On my best day, the day after I surrendered my negative emotions in my release ritual, I radiated love and kindness and people responded to it beautifully with smiles and light of their own. It was incredible to witness. Unfortunately, I could not maintain the vibrancy inside of me and it soon faded like the energy of a stadium once the crowd is long gone.

I continue to struggle with compassion, particularly toward myself. Without compassion, we do not feel the pain of the world, so we are unwilling to help it. There are times I hurt myself emotionally, inflicting pain like a gangster threatening a a witness tied to a chair. I am unwilling to help, instead barraging myself with negativity, high expectations, and hurtful words. It doesn’t even occur to me to save or defend that whimpering version of myself, just to wield my power over it.

I am completely willing to stand up against people who hurt me, but am still unwilling to stand up to myself when I wrong me. Thankfully, compassion is a muscle that can be strengthened with practice and use. I have become more compassionate since I started on this journey. I fail at it, don’t get me wrong, and can still be insensitive and hurtful, but I have also impressed myself with my ability to be loving and kind. Now I need to start extending some of that compassion to myself.

In keeping with the theme of New Moon in Cancer, self-compassion and love, it’s a better time than ever to practice some compassion strength-building exercises. But just like when you redeem your complimentary personal training session at the gym, they first need to assess your fitness level. So click this link to test your self-compassion. Go ahead and take the test (tests are fun!), reading each statement carefully. This should only take 4-8 minutes.

How did you score? My over-all score is a 2.91 and indicates I am moderately self-compassionate. I scored highest (meaning least compassionate) when it comes to self-judgment. I am very hard on myself and do a lot of horrible name-calling. My lowest score (meaning most compassionate) is in the subcategory of isolation. When I was a teenager I thought everyone had it better than me and was having more fun than I was. I now know beyond the shadow of a doubt that is absolutely untrue and I know that every single person is battling something. I know I am not alone in my suffering. That being said, I found the test to be quite accurate.

Now that we know how strong (or weak) our self-compassion is, lets work on strengthening it. Dr. Kristin Neff, who created the assessment, lists some useful exercises and guided meditations on her website here.

I am a big fan of Exercise 1: How would you treat a friend?, but with one difference.

Imagine a child in your life: your son or daughter, niece or nephew. I am thinking of my dear friend’s ten year old daughter, whom I adore.  

1. First, think about a time when this child felt really bad about him or herself or was really struggling in some way. How would you respond to that child in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to this child.    

My favorite 10-year old has an adorable little pot belly that I am certain she will grow out of (she is very active and LOVES fruit). Since my weight seems to have become an accidental theme here as of late, I will stick with this example. It is breaking my heart in the worst way that this young girl has begun to feel self-conscious about her weight. She’s too young! Although she hasn’t spoken to me about it (my friend has filled me in), this is how I would respond if she did: I would kneel down to meet her at eye-level and place my hands on her shoulders or take her hands in mind, and in a gentle, soft voice I would tell her that she is BEAUTIFUL. I would also explain to her that all that matters is that she is healthy and happy and she has power over her happiness, so if losing a few pounds would make her feel better, then she should, but that she should view it as a gift she is giving herself rather than a sacrifice she is making or a chore she is taking on. I would also remind her of all of her amazing qualities and how wonderful a person she is. 

2. Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.

When I am self conscious about my weight I am heartless. My tone inside my head is stern and condescending. I call myself names like “fat fuck” and when something doesn’t fit and I am frustrated I say things like: “you’re so gross you shouldn’t even be allowed out of the house.”

3. Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?

Yes, there is a difference. My 10-year old friend is innocent and is too damn young to have these insecurities. I really do believe she is beautiful and amazing. I do not believe that about myself. I don’t believe I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house, either, but I take my frustration out on myself. I want to hurt me because I am the source of my frustration. Also, I now know that I was treating Thin-me and Not-thin-me as two different people. I know now that I need to integrate them.

4. Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.

I think love, gentleness and compassion would go a long way. Adding pain to an already painful situation is madness! It achieves nothing! I think I could feel safe if I could respond to myself the way I would to my young friend. If I felt safe, I wouldn’t walk around afraid, which piles on to my problem of seeking comfort and safety. It is cyclical.

Now it’s your turn. Take some time to reflect on these questions. Break out a journal and get to work.

Self-Compassion Break

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Say to yourself: May I be kind to myself.
You can also ask yourself: What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself? Is there a phrase that speaks to you in
your particular situation, such as:

• May I give myself the compassion that I need
• My I learn to accept myself as I am
• May I forgive myself
• May I be strong.
• May I be patient

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most (via Dr. Kristin Neff).

Friday night I performed the release ritual I referenced in the post Brick by Brick: Tearing Down Your Emotional Wall, and it was incredible. I had a genuine spiritual experience and I feel… different. I feel lighter, happier, and most of all (and hardest to describe) I feel love, like I received a shot of warmth straight to my heart. Now I fully understand the importance of creating our own rituals to heal ourselves.

As a reminder, I have been working my way through lesson #1 in Marianne Williamson’s A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever. I wrote in a notebook all the things that I feel resentful, guilty, ashamed and angry about; my fears and burdens, reasons I feel inferior; 18 emotions in all in an effort to rid myself of excess emotional waste. Once everything was written down, the book provides a prayer and visualization to surrender it to God (or a higher being). The release ritual was all my idea. I wanted something more involved, something a little more noteworthy and deserving of so much emotional shit. I wanted it to be an event. I’m a planner and I like things to be elaborate.

What is a ritual?

My husband teased me, referring to my ritual as voodoo and offered to bring me home some chicken bones. There’s something about the word “ritual” that makes people think of sacrificial offerings or dancing naked around a fire. Although rituals are often rooted in religion, they are solemn ceremonies or behaviors consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order. Rituals maintain tradition and offer closure; their formality is comforting. Sunday Mass and funerals are well-known rituals. To some degree so is surrounding someone with a cake in front of them and singing Happy Birthday.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat, Pray, Love that we do spiritual ceremonies “in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don’t have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down.” That was precisely my plan with this release ritual. This is why people lovingly design intricate scrapbooks to contain their precious memories, or burn photos in an effort to move on after heartbreak.

My release ritual

The morning of the ritual I thought I would awaken excited, but I felt agitated all day, apprehensive, not unlike a child who has done something wrong
and is equal parts defensive, ashamed, and afraid of punishment. I had been hiding from God for a while and I was nervous to speak to Him.

Later that night I sent my husband out so I could have total privacy. I lit candles and incense on my altar and settled in with my notebook seated on my zabuton and zafu (Japanese cushions used in meditation). I turned off the lights.

After a nervous and awkward start, I was soon spilling open aloud to God, sharing every negative action, thought, and memory. I sobbed and excused myself to blow my nose as if seated across from Him in a therapy session. Things began to make sense in a way they hadn’t when I wrote them down. After every emotion I felt a calm. Before turning the page, I would say: “Dear God, I surrender my (insert emotion here) to you. Please take it from me. Amen.”

When I was finished with all 18 emotions the book says to visualize a brick wall comprised of all the suffering and pain I had been carrying around, then ask God to help me break it down, brick by brick. I settled in to a calm meditation. It took some time to form a mental image of the Big Man, but when I did, He resembled a mix of Albus Dumbledore, Father Time, and Jesus Christ.

I won’t share all the details, but let me just say we had fun breaking down that wall together, karate chop noises and all. Afterward, we stood over the ashes of the obliterated brick and talked. It was the easiest conversation I ever had. Afterward, I recited a prayer from the book.

Next in my ritual I had planned to write each of the 18 emotions on my Buddha Board as one last visualization of watching them fade away (you write in water and as it evaporates, the words literally disappear), but I suppose God had other plans for me. I wrote something else, which I think I’d like to keep to myself (sorry!). I’m not sure if the words were His to me, mine to Him or mine to myself… I think perhaps all three. But they were the most perfect words.

Lastly in my ritual I ripped out the 18 pages from my notebook and headed outside with some lavender and a box of matches. I set the pages onto the fire pit, and sprinkled lavender on top. I thought those words would burn quickly, but I was wrong. The emotions, pain and suffering did not surrender easily. Rather each page seared and burned slowly from the corner back, one at a time as I repeated: “Dear God, I surrender these emotions to you. Please take them from me. Amen.”

I looked up, and was surprised by the number of stars burning over me. I did not head back inside until every ember burned out below me, concluding the ritual.

Marianne Williamson writes that “to spiritually surrender something is to surrender our thoughts about it. What we put on the altar is then altered.”

I literally placed my pain and suffering on the altar. I am now altered thanks to feeling empowered to create my own ritual.

 

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Happy Easter and Passover to all those who celebrate! Although I am Catholic, I attended Good Friday mass at an Episcopalian church and today, I will be attending meditation practice at a Buddhist Sangha (spiritual community).

I have a very open mind when it comes to religion and spirituality. Raised Catholic, I received my sacraments in the Catholic Church, except for my marriage sacrament, which I received in a wonderfully welcoming Methodist church because the Catholic church my husband and I hoped to marry in was disappointingly difficult and unfriendly to work with. Before Christmas I attended the Episcopalian church for the first time and found the sense of community and touch of informality incredibly refreshing compared to the rigidity of the traditional Catholic services I was used to.

Several years ago on assignment from a Comparitive Religions course at Saint Joseph’s University, I chose to visit the Buddhist Sangha. I had no idea what to expect and was quite nervous, but with a tinge of excitement, too at experiencing something brand new. The sparse website instructed me to arrive 15 minutes early. During a brief introduction all those years ago, I would receive my first meditation lesson from an English scientist who practiced Buddhism. And in the basement of a Unitarian church, where the Sangha meets every Sunday evening, I would practice meditation for the first time. Although I felt incredible afterward, it would be years before I would practice again…

When I set out on this journey to become a more compassionate and gentler person, I had no backpack full of tools and books, nor any advance training. My anger and frustration was snuffing out my life so in one last act of desperation I walked out the door and started down this path with nothing more than a desire to change. It wasn’t until I had begun my journey that I began to recognize tools, pick up books, really listen to those who lived the life I wanted for myself, and start canceling out some of the noise. The constant path that weaved along mine, intersecting here and there freely, has been the path of Buddhism. Cracking the nut on my suffering, allowing the light in, has been the start of my awakening.

Contrary to popular belief, Buddhism is not a “religion” by the common application of the word; it is a living tradition. Buddhism is a practice. By practicing Buddhism, one practices compassion, acceptance, kindness and meditation in an effort to end suffering.

Two weeks ago I visited the Mongkoltepmunee Buddhist Temple in Bensalem, PA. Again, I was nervous, but excited. The website was sparse and terribly outdated. I knew there would be Tak Bart (almsgiving) so in my research I learned that meant I was to bring food to offer to the monks.

Walking into the Temple felt as if I had left the West. The gold statues of Buddha, the altars and flowers, the monks in their bright orange robes… Not one word of the entire four hour service was in English, and yet I felt welcome, just like I did when visiting the Sangha for the first time.

The Altar at the Mongkoltepmunee Buddhist Temple

The day before I visited the Temple, I was in Philadelphia near my favorite Cathedral, The Basilica of Saints Peter & Paul, where I attended mass almost weekly when my Mom was battling cancer. I knelt before Mary in the alcove dedicated to her and prayed.

As I knelt before a statue of Buddha the very next day (before the communal [and free] lunch comprised of the copious left-overs from the offerings to the monks), the contrast was not lost on me, nor was the similarity. In both cases, I knelt before a symbol of someone whom I revere and expressed my gratitude and prayed for guidance and blessings for my loved ones. (Kneeling before Buddha I also apologized for having no idea how to “pray” to him. I like to believe he found the whole thing humorous.)

There are so many similarities. At the beginning of Lent, it struck me that I was also in the midst of another 40 day long tradition, empowering my mala with my mantra. At mass on Friday, the Bishop delivered a wonderful sermon about the four pillars of faith. When he spoke of prayer, he explained that prayer is not talking, but listening. It is about paying attention, he said, being present and seeing what needs to be done. There he was, an Episcopalian Bishop, more or less explaining that prayer is meditation.

I am happy to be a Catholic who practices Buddhism and occasionally attends Episcopalian mass. It is what works for me. To me, it’s all about something bigger that gives us hope, love and guidance, and about trying to be a better person. I am going to use every tool I come across on this journey of mine in an effort to reach that end.

I encourage you to explore and check things out for yourself, even just from a comparative or curiosity standpoint. Apprehension is natural. But I assure you, your interest is welcome. Just attending is a sign of respect. Just do what everyone else does – you’ll catch on. For example, at the Episcopalian church, all the parishioners stand in a circle and give Communion to one another. At the Temple, a lovely Thai women led me by the hand into the kitchen and helped me to arrange my organic fruits onto a platter then led me to one of the monks, where I slid my offering before him with an awkward (unknowing) bow. She walked me around the Temple explaining a few things in broken English and guided me in some of the rituals, like when we poured water into tiny bowls in honor of one of the monk’s birthdays and then went outside in our stocking feet to pour it into the earth to symbolize life.

I do not intend to return to the Temple – the Sangha is more appropriate for what I am looking for. But I will say it was a wonderful experience and made me feel a little more traveled and experienced, despite only being 45 minutes from home. There are so many wonderful things to experience in our own backyards that may provide a sense of adventure or peace, perhaps even a Quaker or Franciscan retreat house. Explore and observe; see what works for you, even if it is a little of everything.

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In nightmares there is often no escape, a concept that adds to their terror. We are stuck, desperate to save ourselves or a loved one until the nightmare runs its course, releasing its grip on our mind. Yet sometimes, when struggling to endure our greatest fears, we have the power to just stop and say, I can just wake up. And just like that, the nightmare is over.

That feeling of awareness, power and relief is how I can best describe the choice to meditate.

Our minds act on auto pilot bombarding us with imagined crises, worries, and to-do lists to which there seems no escape. But unlike nightmares that do eventually cease, these thoughts stay with us, running in the background of every single thing we do, distracting us from tasks, conversations, pleasurable moments… the present moment. Waking up from the conscience daymare is harder than the unconscious nightmare, but with practice we can learn to simply wake up, and just like that, it can all fade away, just like the remnants of a nightmare.

All it takes is practice.

I have recently renewed my meditation practice with vigor and already, I feel different. I am more attentive: to myself, my tasks, others; I am significantly calmer; I crave peace, within myself and with others.

Meditation requires nothing but a willingness to try. If you think you need a serene space with the perfect incense, you are terribly mistaken. Right now at your desk, on the sofa, or on the train, you can choose to close your eyes. Breathe. Note the breath, count it if that helps to anchor your mind. Feel the sensation; be in this moment. Nothing in the whole world requires your attention this minute except your breath. When a thought occurs to you, acknowledge it and simply send it away, returning your attention to your breath. Breathe…

Open your eyes. How do you feel?

Practicing meditation gives our over-active minds a much needed break, a chance to quiet the incessant thought-process that jumps with the agility and haphazardness of a flea in a shelter.

Emptying your mind is damn near impossible. What I have found useful is imagining myself on a train platform. The trains represent my thoughts. I am aware of them as they speed by, but I do not board them. When I catch myself riding a train, I do not wait for it to stop, but jump off in a very Indiana Jones sort of way, tuck and roll, and take my place once again on the quiet platform with a playful smile on my lips. Sometimes I like to imagine myself lying on a grassy hill on a beautiful summer day. The lidded darkness behind my eyes brightens with the imagined sun and a slight breeze rustles the leaves on the nearby trees. The clouds are my thoughts. I watch them as they drift by, but do not allow them to take shape. When I catch myself riding a cloud, I immediately jump off abandoning the thought, and float back down to the ground and my body.

It is one thing for your mind to wander to dinner, but quite another to allow your mind to meal-plan for an entire week. With practice, you will learn to catch your thoughts before they wander too far from home.

This blog is about my journey to becoming a gentler, happier, and more compassionate woman. The terrain is incredibly rocky and uneven. Meditation is my new walking stick.

If you are interested in beginning your own practice, and I certainly hope you are, here are some resources I have found helpful:

1. The Calm app – 7 day guided introduction practice, soothing sounds, meditation timer, guided meditations
2. Zen Habits blog – I have linked to the “start” page where you can browse the most popular posts

There are also countless articles on meditation that are helpful, but remember, research can be a form of procrastination. You can close your eyes right now and just breathe…

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I wasn’t in the best mood yesterday afternoon. Originally, I had plans to go home, experiment with zucchini noodles for a low-carb vegetarian dinner and then go to yoga class. I could just feel those plans slipping away in a fog of ambivalence as I sat annoyed for no particularly good reason. Visions of pajamas, pizza, bad television and an early bed time danced seductively across my mind.

I have often been a slave to my mood, allowing it to cancel my plans, dictate my behavior, control the foods I ate. Yesterday was no exception. That was until four one-syllable words burst through the voices of defeat and indolence, loud and clear.

I have a choice.

I almost laughed, as a joyful calm came over me. I can turn it around right now.

I thought of all the hours, evenings, DAYS I had wasted being pissed off or in a funk, riding it out because nothing happened to warrant a shift in my mood or make me feel better. I had forfeited my right to choose, giving in to negativity. But all along I could have simply chosen to feel better.

In no time, I was looking forward to my evening.

I arrived home and was harshly reminded by my discomfort that the heat was still broken. The thermostat read 52 degrees. My warm bed was very inviting.

I have a choice.

Then my husband informed me that the water was currently off while the heat was being repaired.

Annoyed. Pizza. Bed.

“The Brita is full. We have some water,” he said.

I chose to cook.

After dinner, my bones achy from the cold, I crawled in to bed with a magazine.

Is this it for today? Is this your choice, or are you just cold?

I got out of bed, did laundry and cleaned up.

Feeling more accomplished, I climbed back in to bed and made the choice to spend the rest of the night playing on Pinterest, another excellent choice.

This morning, I made the choice to get up at 4:45 am and go to the gym. Afterward, grateful for my wonderful new mantra, I decided to meditate and begin the empowerment of my mala.

A mala is basically prayer beads that come in either necklace or bracelet form, made up of materials and colors that represent the characteristics the wearer seeks. A dear friend gave one to me several months ago. To use a mala, you meditate on your mantra reciting it for each bead, empowering it with your mantra so that when worn or placed on others, it can transfer the power of the mantra. This meditation is done every day for 40 days. I hadn’t done it because I didn’t have a mantra.

Incense and candles burning, music playing, I took my mala in my hand and began to meditate on my choices, reciting my mantra as each cool bead passed between my fingertips.

I have a choice in how I feel.
I have a choice in what I say.
I have a choice in what I eat.
I have a choice in how I behave.
I have a choice in what I think.
I have a choice in what I do.
I have a choice…
I have a choice…
I have a choice…
I have a choice.

Recently I added a new book to my current rotation, which immediately introduced me to the Law of Attraction, which I am not convinced isn’t a bunch of phooey (no, it’s not The Secret). Basically, the Law of Attraction is centered around the belief that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts, one can bring about positive or negative results. For example, if you believe and envision yourself as fat and lazy, chances are that’s exactly what you are going to be no matter how much you wish otherwise. Your thoughts attract the reality. It really makes sense. It is safe to say that there is great power in a positive attitude and we have all witnessed how detrimental a negative one can be. Where I am skeptical is the notion that I will find money or win a trip to Hawaii simply for believing and envisioning that I will. But I digress…

As I was reading about the Law of Attraction, it was suggested I look at photos of my loved ones and direct positive thoughts and energy toward them, too, which I thought was a very lovely idea. It was like giving a little, free gift, not unlike saying a prayer for someone, and it made me feel good. But rather than ask that they be watched over and blessed, I envisioned them feeling the warmth of the sun on their face, peace in their hearts, hassle-free days; things like that. At the very least, it couldn’t hurt.

A few days later, I was having a really off day. My mind was busy. I felt anxious and depressed and everything seemed unstable. I wanted comfort and distraction; to dive headfirst into the pitfalls of my bad habits and embrace my bed and sleep for twelve hours, or get a bunch of junk food and zone out to movies, numbing all the pain I was feeling in the process.

The realization of how far I have come that I was actually aware of how I was feeling shed enough light through the crack that I knew I couldn’t give in and pull the shades on the sun shining through. I practiced meditation to abate my unquiet mind and pacing body. It was a futile attempt. With nothing to focus on and being completely unable to focus on nothing, I went to a coffee shop and wrote.

The very next day, switching gears, I went back to another book I have been reading. On the very page that my bookmark casually leaned against as if waiting patiently for my return, I learned about Metta Meditation. Metta means loving-kindness, and the goal is to help you reverse your programming so you can open your heart, rather than close it. It involves four steps:

1. Send loving-kindness to yourself
2. Send loving-kindness to someone you love
3. Send loving-kindness to someone you are neutral about, like a colleague or acquaintance
4. Send loving-kindness to someone you dislike or feel resentment toward

The similarities between the two concepts couldn’t be denied and I realized the universe was speaking to me. Furthermore, I also just found a solution to my shoddy meditation practice. Rather than try to focus on nothing, I would focus all my attention on sending loving-kindness to myself and others while practicing letting go and positive thinking.

But I also sensed something was coming. The universe was preparing me.

The very next day, someone I strongly dislike really ticked me off. I was irritated and wanted to confront her although I knew it would only exacerbate things. Anger can eat at me for some time and I hated thinking such negative thoughts. Again, I was failing to be compassionate and gentle – I was closing my heart. After a short while, I remembered Metta Meditation and smiled. Thanks, universe. It was a foreign, yet incredible thing to sit and think loving-kind thoughts to someone I really can’t stand. It wasn’t even as hard as I thought it would be, because the universe had sent me another little gift that morning by means of the below photo in my Pinterest feed:

How true that is.

If only that was the end to putting knowledge into practice for one week.

Most unfortunately, over the past three days, I have quite unexpectedly felt profound disappointment and great hurt at the hands of two people I love. I have felt agonizing helplessness, as well as great sadness. With no opportunity to communicate or resolve, there was literally nothing I could say or do except feel my feelings, try to process them and allow them to close down my heart until they diminished and I would be able to let them go. That was until I remembered that I had been prepared for this. I knew what I had to do, and it involved opening my heart.

First, I sent myself loving-kindness. Then, one at a time, I sent loving-kindness to the people who hurt me. It wasn’t elaborate; there was no incense or music. These things are unnecessary and procuring them can be a form of procrastination. Right where you are this very minute you can shut the door if you’re alone, or go in the bathroom if you have to, take a deep breath, lower your eyes, and begin sending loving-kindness. Not sure what to say? Say this: I send loving-kindness to ________. My wish is that he/she experiences only love and happiness in his/her life.

I still feel sadness and disappointment, but rather than anger toward these people, I feel love. I do not wish bad things because they hurt me. I do not feel the need to convey my feelings to them nor do I desire an apology. I will simply continue to send loving-kindness, just like I did from my bed this morning when I woke up.

Being hurt, yet feeling love is incredible. Next time you are angry at yourself or someone else, I do hope you will try it. Whatever you wish to call it, you are opening your heart, and it is a wonderful thing.

Peace.

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