Dear Readers, I hope that you are well and safe and taking every precaution while self-isolating to help flatten the curve on Coronavirus. These are unprecedented times and I know that fear, stress and anxiety are rampant. I wanted to write sooner, but I’ve been struggling myself as I’ve attempted to adjust to this new normal.
Things are scary and there is a lot to worry about on top of natural emotions like loneliness, sadness, and boredom. It’s a recipe to trigger any disorder or addiction. I know I’ve been drinking too much, eating too much (which is triggering my disordered behaviors and thoughts around food), sleeping too much, working too much, reading the news too much, watching too much TV… too many unhelpful things too much of the time, of which there is simply too much.
I’ve allowed it with minimal self-judgement though because I understand I’m adjusting to a situation I’ve never experienced. I have a lot of helpful coping tools for my anxiety, disorders, and addictive tendencies, but it feels like I’m being given the ultimate test. We’re all being asked to build something we’ve never seen and for which we have no instructions. We’re all blind here, learning as we go.
So I’ve taken the past few weeks to feel my way around my emotions and this new way of life. I’ve allowed myself to give in to my emotions and fall back on old unhelpful coping tools like sleeping, drinking, and eating.
It’s funny in a weird sort of way; how many times I’d wish to be able to stay at home. How much I’d accomplish! I guess that’s why they say to be careful what you wish for. Granted, I didn’t wish for it to be under these circumstances. But here I am with an overabundance of hours in the day struggling to find the motivation to do much of anything, other than what I absolutely have to. Shit, I’m not even showering every day.
I’m impressed by those who are doing well under these circumstances. I’m not. I am weighed down by fear and loneliness, two exhausting waves of emotion lapping against the shores of my depression threatening to pull me in.
That being said, if I’ve learned anything over the past six years of this wellness journey it’s how to recognize when I need to course correct. The time is now.
Correcting Course
As I struggled with emotions that are triggering my disorders and addictions, I thought I’d reach out to someone whom I know continues to thrive. Jennie Claire has overcome more than most people, including a stroke last year that left her half-paralyzed. She’s since recovered and opened Rooted Yoga and Wellness, a yoga studio centered around holistic wellness and giving back to the community.
I asked Jennie, as someone only six months sober, to share with me how she’s managing and to offer some advice to people who are struggling with their own addictions or disorders. She answered, using alcohol as an example, but we can substitute any behavior or substance: food/disordered eating, sex, drugs, gambling, shopping/hoarding… anything that is part of our addictive pattern.
Jennie, Owner of Rooted Yoga & Wellness
“A global shut down provides us two opportunities: to get good old fashioned drunk, or to stay, or perhaps even become sober. Addiction is often a disease of loneliness, a disease of dysfunction, a disease of feeling inadequate. When we drink, the question we should be asking ourselves is why? What caused us to approach this toxin as a form of self medicating? What are we running from? What are we hiding? What are we afraid of?”
Distraction and avoidance. We turn to substances or behaviors to numb and distract ourselves from what we don’t want to/can’t face: fear, discomfort. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
Although Jennie is six months sober, she has been in and out recovery for 21 years, replacing one addiction with another.
“But today I am free,” she said. “Free from the fears, the burdens, the shackles that brought me into the patterns. Today I understand how to be alone, and that being alone doesn’t cause loneliness. Today I understand how to explore the emotions I am feeling instead of running and medicating.”
“This global pandemic to me is an opportunity to dive into yourself, your self worth, your fears, your frustrations, your why. And, chances are if you’re wondering if you should stop a behavior, you should. So today is a perfect day to take the first step. To breath in a new life free of chains, and full of hope.”
Today I took the first step. It’s a new month and self-isolation is mandated for at least 30 more days. Whether we like it or not, this way of life is our new normal. I have two opportunities, like Jennie said. I can continue to sink into old destructive patterns and behaviors or I can go inward, face my emotions, sit with them rather than numb them, and work toward doing more of that which brings me peace.
Today I went for an early morning bike ride and practiced yoga. I showered. I started reading a new book and wrote. I ate three healthy meals. I created a habit tracker for healthy habits I’d like to re-cultivate. I made a list of projects I can tackle throughout the month.
I know some days will be harder than others and on those days the best thing for me may be to stay in my pajamas, nap, and watch television. And on those days, I will do that. But I’d like for it to be by conscious choice, not because I am subconsciously hiding from my emotions.
We humans are incredibly resilient. But as we acclimate to our new environments, I urge you to be gentle with yourself and focus on your mental well-being. Many of us struggle with motivation on even the best of days. I’m not looking to make progress on my novel or come out of this a size smaller. I’m just trying not to come out of this worse than I went in. And I think if I can manage that, then I know I will at the very least come out stronger.
And so will you.
Rooted Yoga and Wellness is offering donation-based classes online! Classes include meditation, Yoga for Recovery (which complements the 12 step program), restorative yoga, yoga nidra and “Angst Away Asana.” Click here to view the class schedule.
How are you coping with the emotions triggered by this new way of life? I’d really like to hear from you.
As the clock ticked down on not only another year, but an entire decade, I wondered when and if inspiration to write would strike. Thankfully, my desire and tradition to chronicle yet another new year with a post both reflective and anticipatory brought me home to this blog and myself.
Where have I been all year?
Truth be told, I have been working a challenging job and sinking deeply in to an eating disorder. Yes, when the 365 pages of my 2019 flip book flash by, that is the majority of what I see. After an unexpected promotion thrust me in to a leadership position, it seemed that overnight I became a “career” woman; a “professional” whose job required the majority of my brain capacity and decision-making abilities. What little I had left went to a continued and deepening obsession around food and negative self-image. A destructive pattern of restricting and overeating emerged worse than ever before and quickly escalated out of control.
Professionally, I flourished. But mentally and emotionally, I withered under the increasing weight of fear and anxiety around food and my appearance. Professionally, I exuded confidence. But behind closed doors, a single surprise lunch could induce crippling panic and self-doubt. Ashamed of my body, I occasionally cancelled plans with friends or people who made me feel exceptionally self-conscious. I couldn’t understand why I was so respected at work because in my mind, I deserved no respect. How could I when I couldn’t manage to lose weight or resist my food cravings?
These words are devastating to write.
Eating Disorder Diagnosis
Managing my weight has been my number one priority as far back as I can remember. I had been addressing my weight, food and self-image issues for many years with my psychotherapist with some success. But finally, in November, she leaned forward and said, “I think it is time you sought more intense, specialized treatment for your disordered eating.”
Her words were a revelation. This was bigger than a desire to lose weight – more serious than yo-yo dieting – more dangerous than critical thoughts toward my body.
I desperately needed help.
I went to one of the leading institutes for eating disorder treatment for a long and emotionally painful assessment. In the end, they confirmed my “severe” eating disorder (ED) and recommended a minimum of six weeks in-patient residential treatment. Afterward, I drove home exhausted. My only thoughts revolved around what I would eat to comfort myself after such an ordeal.
I spoke with my husband and we both agreed in-patient treatment was completely unrealistic for multiple reasons. We’d explore outpatient and/or another counselor specialized in eating disorders. In the meantime, I turned to books in an attempt to understand how things had gotten so out of control and what I could do to help myself. I created a secret Instagram account and joined an ED recovery network and began documenting my recovery journey.
Eating Disorder Recovery
My wise Buddhist friend Paul once said to me regarding my weight loss efforts: “You’re banging against a door that opens toward you.” I finally understand that now. Over a decade of dieting has brought me nothing but weight gain and profound sorrow, frustration, and disappointment. I’ve lost cumulative years of my life to these efforts. I’ve missed out on so much. I’ve treated myself so harshly. I’ve sacrificed so much by tabling things for “after I lose weight.”
I’m done.
I am so done.
Through reading I have gained an understanding of how my ED emerged, which I may go in to in more detail in a future post. Essentially, I had systematically created it through years of repeated and prolonged restriction.
Being diagnosed with an eating disorder made me face the truth and shifted my perspective. It was the intervention I so desperately needed. I am incredibly grateful to not be starting a new year and decade unaware of this reality.
What Else I See in 2019
Although work and disordered eating are the majority of what I see as I look back on 2019, it’s not all I see. I also see my first trip to California where I saw (and swam in) the Pacific Ocean for the first time. I see the elephants at the San Diego Zoo. I see a weekend away at a women’s retreat in New York immersed in sisterhood. I see the bounty of my garden that provided me with great joy this past summer. I see a beautiful baby, my “niece” who was born to great friends in October. I see my husband’s professional successes, of which there were several. I see Cooper, my thirteen year old mutt who is blessedly still with us.
Looking Toward 2020
As I look forward to 2020, I feel lighter… hopeful. I am starting a new year differently than I have started any other in my adult memory – not on a diet. In fact, I forgot to weigh myself this morning. I also had a bagel sandwich for breakfast, something I would have never dared start my year with.
I still have a monkey on my back. I still want to lose weight. I have a lot of work to do to repair my relationship with my body. But I’ve stopped banging against a door that opens toward me.
I’m excited to see what my life will look like now that I have more mental space for other pursuits. I’m going to keep kicking ass at work, that’s for sure. I also have a lot of travel coming up (7 trips, in fact), including my first trip to Europe and my first visit to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
I’m excited to see what else is in store for me.
Thank you for reading. Happy New Year.
P.S. Weight loss has been one of the “themes” of this blog. I apologize for my participation in perpetuating diet culture. I’m not sure yet what I will do with all those posts I’ve written. But please know that going forward my weight loss journey will be focused on recovery and I will no longer be contributing to diet culture.
I’m learning how to eat again. This requires substantial unlearning of everything I thought was right about diet and weight loss, but turned out to be all wrong. For those of you who don’t know, I lost forty pounds the first six months of 2017. I then proceeded to gain back 42 pounds the following six months. And even though I knew I didn’t lose all that weight in the best way possible, I still blamed myself for the weight gain, not the methods I took to lose it. But now, thanks to the bestseller Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, I understand where I’ve gone wrong all these many years. I understand why I have never been successful at lasting weight loss. And thanks to this book, I’m learning how to eat again and trust myself with food.
We Cannot Outsmart Physiology
Of all the books I’ve read on health, nutrition, weight loss, and the psychology around eating and losing weight, this one is like nothing I’ve seen before. Intuitive Eating denounces everything I’ve ever been taught about dieting my entire life — every food rule, every dieting “trick.” Because it is all those “rules” that lead us away from our natural ability to eat intuitively. For many reasons we desire to change our bodies and think we can manage our bodies better than they were designed. We think we can somehow outsmart biology and physiology. But our bodies are incredibly fine tuned machines designed to get us what we need to survive, and go into survival mode when we can’t. Nothing good happens when we tinker with the operating system.
Our bodies require certain things, like carbohydrates, to function. When we deny our bodies its preferred fuel, we crave it. Not because we’re weak, lack willpower, or are addicted, but because we need it and physiology is trying to override us. When we continue to deny our body its fuel, it shuts down its metabolism (furnace) to conserve energy. We’ve all heard this and yet we intentionally deprive ourselves of necessary fuels and voluntarily starve ourselves. Why? Because we think we can outsmart physiology.
But regardless, our bodies will find a way to get fuel (or die trying). Whether late at night or over the weekend or during an emotionally trying time, our bodies will take advantage of our vulnerable state and we won’t be able to deny it what it needs. That’s precisely what happened to me last year. For six months I denied my body much of what it needed. I was a mess as a result; exhausted, emotional, weak… and then when I took on the added stress of a job search, I allowed my body everything I had denied it over the previous six months because I was too tired to fight it any longer.
And this is not uncommon when you combine physiology with basic psychology. Anyone who understood my unhealthy and emotional eating patterns combined with my eating disorders and the drastic measures I was taking to lose weight would have known from day one I would not succeed in the long run.
But I didn’t know. Because I thought I could outsmart physiology. Now I know that I can’t. And either can you.
What is Intuitive Eating?
“Intuitive eaters march to their own inner hunger signals, and eat whatever they choose without experiencing guilt or an ethical dilemma. The intuitive eater is an unaffected eater.”
Can you imagine?
When I started reading this book I literally wondered, But who am I if I’m not weighing myself every day, tracking my food, and restricting what I eat? The thought of eating without guilt, or being unaffected was a concept I struggled to even wrap my mind around.
According to Intuitive Eating, “Intuitive eaters have unconditional permission to eat, don’t eat for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons, and rely on internal hunger/satiety cues.” After a lifetime of worsened eating disorders, increased reliance on emotional eating, additional weight gain, and bouts of restriction, I couldn’t be any further from an intuitive eater.
I consider my fuel gauge broken. I’ve eaten when not hungry and eaten to the point of discomfort, even pain. I’ve also starved myself and refused to eat. The idea of having unconditional permission to eat gave me a nervous anxiety, like standing too close to the door of a plane without a parachute. I considered stopping reading the book at the mere suggestion.
But as I read on I started to understand this concept of intuitive eating and even began to think of some real life examples. Have you ever met someone who can actually eat only one handful of chips, or eat two pieces of cake without some self-deprecating comment, or stop eating because they were disappointed of the taste of something? I do. I thought they had super powers. It turns out they’re just unaffected and know how to eat intuitively. You know who else can do this? TODDLERS.
Toddlers are natural intuitive eaters — free from societal messages about food and body image. They have an innate wisdom of food if you don’t interfere with it. They do not eat based on dieting rules and health, but what what they need when they need it.
I decided to give it a try.
Attempting to Eat Intuitively: Intuitive Eating Principles
I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but I already started practicing the ten principles of intuitive eating. If this interests you, I highly suggest reading the book as I am barely even scratching the surface in this post about the wonderful information and case studies it contains.
1. Reject the diet mentality
“If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover intuitive eating.”
This is hard. My mentality is a diet mentality. This is why I said I am in the process of unlearning. But let me tell you, ever since I have even tried rejecting my diet mentality, I have experienced a sense of liberation.
2. Honor your hunger
“Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Once you reach the moment of excessive hunger, all intentions of moderate, conscious eating are fleeting and irrelevant. Learning to honor this first biological signal sets the stage for rebuilding trust with yourself and food.”
This has been a much welcomed change. I haven’t let myself get too hungry and my body has greatly appreciated it.
3. Make peace with food
“Call a truce; stop the food fight! Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can’t or shouldn’t have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings, and, often, bingeing.”
I don’t want to be afraid of certain foods and I don’t want to have love/hate relationships with anything. Ever since giving myself permission to eat, I’m less afraid and foods are less tempting to me. It’s total reverse psychology and I am in awe at how the mind works.
4. Challenge the food police
“Scream a loud “no” to thoughts in your head that declare you’re “good” for eating under a thousand calories or “bad” because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. The Food Police monitor the unreasonable rules that dieting has created.”
This is going to be a work in progress. For a long time, my thoughts around food have been primarily black/white, good/bad and all/nothing. Allowing more flexibility in my life has been an ongoing process.
5. Feel your fullness
“Listen for the body signals that tell you that you are no longer hungry. Observe the signs that show you you’re comfortably full.”
My fuel gauge isn’t broken — I have just been ignoring it for a long time. I’m checking in with my stomach more. There is a helpful hunger scale in the book to help with this. A zero on the scale is ravenous and a 10 is stuffed to the point of discomfort. The idea is to not eat unless you’re a 3 or 4 in hunger and not eat past a 7 or 8 in fullness. I’m trying to honor this principle but I know it will take a great deal of practice.
6. Discover the satisfaction factor
“In our fury to be thin and healthy, we often overlook one of the most basic gifts of existence—the pleasure and satisfaction that can be found in the eating experience.”
Who wants to eat bland oatmeal for breakfast and steamed chicken and vegetables for dinner? And who wants to eat with people they can’t stand or in a filthy car? I am a pleasure seeker, and granted I have relied on food for too much pleasure, I totally understand the need for satisfaction in eating and the eating environment.
7. Cope with your emotions without using food
“Find ways to comfort, nurture, distract, and resolve your emotional issues without using food.”
Figuring this out will be my life’s work. I will just leave it at that.
8. Respect your body
“Accept your genetic blueprint. Respect your body, so you can feel better about who you are.”
I don’t want unrealistic; I just want healthy.
9. Exercise – feel the difference
“Forget militant exercise. Just get active and feel the difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie burning effect of exercise.”
Last year when I wasn’t eating enough in order to make my weight loss goal, I felt weak. I had stopped going to yoga because I wasn’t strong enough. The only exercise I did was cardio. This past month, even before starting this book, I finally got back to yoga and started a light weight routine. I feel the difference; I feel healthier and stronger. I’m not exercising because I have to. I do it because I want to.
10. Honor your health – gentle nutrition
“Make food choices that honor your health and taste buds while making you feel good. Remember that you don’t have to eat a perfect diet to be healthy.”
Principles 9 and 10 are the only two I really don’t need to work on. But I do love that this is a principle and that it’s number 10, no less. In order to eat intuitively you first need to make peace with food, then you can focus on tweaking what you eat in order to get the nutrition you need. But first, we need to establish a healthy relationship with food. Thankfully, although I haven’t had a healthy relationship with food, I do eat nutritiously most of the time.
Conclusion
I was never good at listening to my body and thought I could out-think it. I wanted what I couldn’t have and found no satisfaction in what I could. (Ask my Mom and she will tell you this applied to more than food and eating.)
Intuitive Eating provides ample scientific evidence why restriction and dieting does not work long-term. There is nothing wrong with me and I see that now. There was everything wrong with my beliefs and my approach. Now I believe the solution is getting back to basics and listening to our bodies and relearning how to eat intuitively. It won’t be easy. But I have already experienced a sense of liberation. In fact, I am eating less now that I have permission to eat whatever I want. I’m not shackled by guilt and longing. I am not over-eating because I tell myself it’s the last time I can ever have anything. I’m not looking for compromises to appease my cravings, foods that never quite satisfy me and always leave me longing for the real thing. I am not nearly as pre-occupied with food.
That is a glorious thing.
And like I said, I am checking in. I have been an emotional eater as long as I can remember. Last week my emotions were screaming to be numbed with a giant sandwich and potato chips. I didn’t tell myself I couldn’t have it, but I did ask, gently, lovingly, if there was something else that might make me feel better not just while eating, but also after. The part of me crying out for chips wiped her nose with her sleeve and whispered, “soup.” The adult in me replied, “Okay, sweetie” and took her for a big bowl of Vietnamese pho.
This is the sort of work around food this book is helping me with. I am learning how to eat again.
What do you think? Do you consider yourself an intuitive eater? In what ways do you eat intuitively? What are your biggest struggles?
Stress is no stranger to me. It’s caused me small breakdowns, hair loss, and even an autoimmune disease. More than anything, it’s made me fat. I handle stress better now thanks to everything I’ve learned these past few years, especially mindfulness. Overthinking, mainly about unknowns, contributes mightily to stress. You don’t overthink as much when you live in the present. But these past few months living in the present has been a challenge. So I’ve been stressed. And stress sucks.
Weight Loss Update
Remember that weight loss challenge I did? I lost forty pounds in six months! You may have wondered if I’ve been able to maintain that weight loss. The answer is no, I haven’t. The challenge ended June 30. The very next week I had my first of many job interviews. I went right from the physical and mental stress of the weight loss challenge to the stress of a job search. Over the course of the next several months I gained back twenty of the forty pounds I lost. I am obviously not rid of my eating disorder or overwhelming desire to turn to food when I am under stress or feeling emotional. The uncertainty, the waiting, the hoping, the expectations, the rejection, the disappointment… food is still the salve.
Stress sucks and I still haven’t learned to cope with it. Tremendous progress has been made, yes. But the struggle is still very real. My go-to coping mechanism remains that of eating and numbing my emotions with food.
Stress Abated
But alas, the stress is broken and I feel much better. You see, my job search finally came to a close this week when I formally accepted a new position and resigned from my current one. I feel like I can have my life back now. I feel like I have something new and exciting to look forward to.
But then why am I currently craving potato chips and chocolate like my life depends on it?
Because addiction is a cruel mistress.
Over the past several months I haven’t been able to string more than four successful/healthy days together. I am addicted to flour and sugar and shit once more.
The causes for my eating are diminished yet the cravings remain. I don’t feel well. My face is broken out and I’m bloated. My cravings make me cranky and I feel tired.
Next Steps
But I know what I have to do now. I have to find the strength and energy to power through a detox of limited flour, sugar and processed foods, and abstain from alcohol. I managed to do this for four days a couple weeks ago and I felt like a rock star; my energy surged, I lost seven pounds, and my cravings subsided.
I want to start this next chapter of my career feeling great! I have a few weeks to prepare, and know precisely what I need to do. Wish me luck!
And yes, of course the goal is to stop taking two steps forward and then one step back when life gets tough and stress comes knocking. But this life of mine is a journey and I’m still learning…
Well everyone, I did it! I lost 40 pounds in six months and met my HealthyWage deadline in the nick of time!
I feel wonderful! But I have to admit, those last two weeks were a real struggle, not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I still have a ways to go, too. But when I look at those two photos side by side, I feel incredibly accomplished and proud.
Everyone’s support has been invaluable! I can’t thank you enough for your encouragement, positive reinforcement, and all around great energy. It took a village, and I could not have done this without you. THANK YOU.
Inspiration
I’ve been told many times since I posted my victory photo that I am inspiring. That is an incredible thing to hear, and something I do not take lightly. I know better than anyone how difficult substantial weight loss can be. And many people have since emailed me with one question, often written exactly like this:
HOW?!?!?!?!
Like so many others struggling with their weight, I truly feel that I have tried everything. So it’s no surprise to me that people think I may have some secret method they haven’t tried before. The fact is that I don’t. I have been writing about my weight loss journey here for some time now. But it is true that I have had great success with specific tools. So I evaluated all that I’ve done and all that has helped me over the past several months so I could tell you how I lost 40 pounds in six months.
10 Things I Attribute Most to My Weight Loss
1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
I know it may be risky to start with this, but please don’t stop reading. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has changed everything for me, and so deserves the top spot on my list. In the simplest terms, CBT is a type of psychotherapy in which negative patterns of thought about the self and the world are challenged in order to alter unwanted behavior patterns. It may sound technical, but it’s not. CBT helped me to identify and understand the destructive thought patterns I was literally trapped in, especially when it came to food and ideas around my body and weight. Read my post Cognitive Therapy for Weight Loss for more information and to see this process at work.
I am absolutely convinced now that true, lasting weight loss must start in the brain. How can we possibly repair our bodies without repairing our thought patterns and habits first?
2. Competition: Fitbit Workweek Hustles
I am a competitive person. Knowing this about myself, I use it to my advantage. I love my Fitbit and diligently track my steps. The first week of January my friend, the talented writer, Glenn Walker invited me to a weekly Fitbit challenge called a Workweek Hustle where up to ten challengers compete for bragging rights. One week of friendly competition turned into six full months! Every week (and many weekends in the Weekend Warrior) a group of Fitbit “friends” compete for a virtual trophy, monitor each other’s progress, and talk a little smack. It has kept me active and getting more than my fair share of daily steps.
Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Without my meal plan, I am a sailor at sea without a map. And so every weekend I take the time to meticulously meal plan for the week ahead, including breakfasts, lunches and dinners. It keeps me organized, minimizes stress around food, and prevents unplanned and last minute calls for takeout. (As an added bonus, meal planning also saves us money and prevents food waste. A meal plan makes creating a grocery list a breeze. No more guesswork or buying anything that goes unused.)
5. The support of friends and family
You know those days when you’re really being good and eating well, and then your husband suggests pizza and mozzarella sticks for dinner? Or a girlfriend calls you up and invites you out for wine and nachos?
Me, too… but not these past few months. That’s because my husband, Mike, family and friends have been incredibly supportive and mindful of my goal and desire to eat healthy. Incredibly so!
For example, a few weeks ago I was shredding cauliflower for a cauliflower crust pizza, when Mike said he was going to order his own pizza. I burst into tears. No, it was not an appropriate response, and not fair to Mike, but I couldn’t help it (like I said, weight loss is an emotional journey, too.) I was instantly terrified and didn’t know how I would resist the temptation of his delicious white flour crust pizza next to my cauliflower one.
“Okay, okay,” he said. “I don’t want to eat that though,” he said pointing at the mountain of cauliflower “snow.” “What if I order a wrap? Will that be better for you?” It was, and he did.
When Philadelphia Restaurant Week came around this past winter, Kathy declined my invitation to our traditional lunch.
“You know,” she wrote, “I have given this a lot of thought, even before your fitness/weight loss challenge. And I am going to decline. I will though, include a challenge: let’s look at the menus and see if we can recreate, with healthy/light ingredients some of our favorite dishes. We can recreate restaurant week, and still meet our fitness goals.”
I was so surprised, and then disappointed. Restaurant Week only comes twice a year! I expressed my disappointment, but reluctantly agreed. As usual, she responded with greater wisdom:
“This is where we compare and prioritize what we really want; and make the grown-up choices of how to choose the path that gets us to where we REALLY want to end up in the long term. Is it going to be disappointing along the way as we have to say goodbye to choices we otherwise would have made? Hell yes, darling. That is the pain of being human. I do know though, that God does reward us tenfold; we just never can see it until later. Proud of you!!”
See what I mean about support!?! I consider myself extremely fortunate.
And those are only two of hundreds of examples. It’s my Mom baking me sweet potatoes instead of white; friends running restaurants past me when making plans; my friend, Suzanne picking a place for happy hour that has awesome custom salads; Mike eating what I eat (99% of the time); people giving me the space and time to make good decisions, non-judgement, compassion…
I could NOT have done this without that support and patience and LOVE. Every single one of the most important people in my life wanted me to succeed. And they all did their part to help make it happen.
I wish I could name everyone who was supportive of this challenge personally, but there are far too many of you. Please know that I noticed, and that I appreciate you.
6. No junk food in the house
I could convince myself all day I’ve learned enough and am now strong enough to keep “treats” in the house. Maybe I am, but I see no reason to test myself. All I’d be doing is tempting myself. And decision fatigue happens. Shitty days happen. And it’s best that I don’t have something to reach for in those moments of weakness.
And so I don’t keep junk food in the house. It’s that simple.
7. The adoption of a simple philosophy: “Eat real food, mostly vegetables, not too much.”
Author and activist Michael Pollan wrote that. I have finally succeeded in being turned off by artificial (toxic) foods, flavors, and colorings. If it was made in a plant and has more than ten ingredients, many of which I can’t pronounce, I DON’T EVEN WANT IT. That includes you, Doritos. There are healthier alternatives. Organic non-gmo popcorn sprinkled with nutritional yeast; salt and vinegar potato chips made with only four ingredients, including healthier oil; real ice cream made with real cream… Our food has gotten so far from actual food that it literally turns my stomach. I don’t want it anymore. I’ll take the real food, thank you.
And so that is precisely how and what I eat: real food, mostly vegetables, not too much.
I love to cook, fortunately. I admit that certainly gives me a slight advantage. Our meals consist of real food every day, and yes, lunch and dinner is mostly vegetables. I am also mindful of portion sizes after years of weighing, measuring, and counting calories (which I no longer feel the need to do.) Something I learned the French say has also helped prevent me from eating too much. They don’t use “hungry” and “full” the way we do here in the states, as if there are two only options. They use “hungry” and “without hunger.” That stuck with me. And so now I always try never to eat until I am full and uncomfortable. I eat until I am without hunger.
8. Tracking
I gave up calorie counting several years ago after years of dutifully doing it and seeing no results. I concluded it doesn’t work for me long term and causes me stress. If it works for you, then cool, keep doing it. What does work for me, however, is food journaling. I write down everything I eat every day, as well as my exercise, and I assign myself a grade from A+ through F based on a personal rubric I designed. I calculate an average GPA at the end of every month. (Data nerd, remember?) As you may imagine, this recovering perfectionist strives for A’s and B’s.
Call this the accountability factor. If I eat it, I write it down. And I don’t want some late night binge dragging down my entire GPA.
9. Daily weigh-ins
I weigh myself every single day. And I recently wrote a post 7 Reasons Why I Weigh Myself Every Day, so I will direct you to that for more on why this has been so beneficial.
10. Yoga
It has pained me to give up yoga these past few weeks as I cut my calories so much during crunch time that I didn’t have the strength for class. Now that I have taken the weekend to rest and eat and regain my strength, I am eager to get back to yoga.
Yoga has taught me so much about my body, its limits, and its capabilities. Yoga has helped me feel strong and empowered. Next to walking, it is my favorite form of exercise. Probably because it is so much more than exercise. It is an experience of body, mind and spirit. I enjoy seeing how far my body has come, and what it can now do that it recently could not.
So there you have it. That’s in large part how I lost 40 pounds in six months. My advice: keep trying tips, methods, programs, and tricks until you discover what works for YOU. Tell people your goals so that they can support you in them. We’re all different and motivated by different things. If I learned anything at all, it’s that all journeys must go through a process. We must discover what doesn’t work for us in order to discover what does. Don’t stick with one program because people tell you it’s best if you’re not seeing results. Give yourself the freedom and flexibility to experiment!
After all, that’s what I did for years. And it eventually paid off. That’s how I lost 40 pounds in six months.
For years I weighed myself religiously every Friday morning. It was something I looked forward to, denying myself the privilege of even a sneak peek any other time throughout the week. This was a rule by which I faithfully abided. Who made the rule? I have no idea. But I remember hearing it throughout my life spoken by my mom, friends’ moms, the gym teacher that doubled as a health class teacher, the people in the Weight Watchers commercials, the guest doctor on Ricki Lake… The message was always the same: weighing yourself more than once a week resulted in weight obsession and demoralizing frustration over naturally occurring fluctuations.
I listened and abided by that rule in a way I only wish I had about the dangers of cigarettes and drugs (and boys). I was convinced that one extra weigh in was a slippery slope to anorexia. And so I listened to all those women and doctors and waited for Friday mornings.
Until April 9, 2016, which was a Saturday. Looking at my years’ worth of carefully logged weights, I can recall precisely what compelled me to break my cardinal rule and weigh myself that morning. You see, the weight that Saturday morning was exactly 2.1 pounds more than the morning before it. I must have gone out that Friday night or over-indulged and my curiosity about the damage got the best of me. It felt like ten pounds and I assumed it would be five or six. But no, it was 2.1. And the very next day? Back to Friday’s weight.
And that brings me to the seven reasons why I weigh myself every day.
1. Weighing myself every day STOPS the obsession and stories around NOT knowing.
This is the reason why it all started. I was convinced I had gained five pounds in one Friday night. I was often convinced of this. And I let the story play on repeat ALL.WEEK.LONG. I guessed and anticipated and obsessed over my weight based on what I ate one day. It was exhausting. Weighing myself stops all of that. And more often than not, I am pleasantly surprised. The stories in our heads are often worse than the reality.
2. One number no longer has the power to ruin my weekends.
There were so many weekends that were literally ruined by my Friday weight. I gave that digital number on the scale the power to set the tone for my entire weekend. That number either validated or condemned my efforts for the entire week before it, deeming it either a success or epic failure. And when it was bad, I carried anger and frustration with me. Especially if I thought I should weigh less than I did. As a result, I often overate that weekend to make myself feel better. And many of us know how well that works…
3. It allows for the detection of weight patterns and trends.
Weighing in once a week doesn’t provide enough data to work with in a productive way, especially if you’re a data nerd like me. All those weeks I thought I did great only to find the same number on the scale come Friday infuriated and demotivated me. Weight fluctuations occur for so many reasons. Maybe on a particular Friday I hadn’t had a bowel movement recently. Or maybe I was retaining water from PMS. There are days that I think the scale should be lower than it is, but it just takes another perfectly normal day, and then boom, my weight drops three pounds. There is not always a rhyme or reason to our weight. But when we weigh ourselves daily and keep notes, we can begin to create a bigger and clearer picture that we can make sense of. Which leads me to number four…
4. Small gains are no longer the end of the world.
When you weigh yourself daily, you come to understand your body, hormonal changes, and natural fluctuations. And when you begin to understand how your body operates, small weight gains no longer signify demoralizing failure.
5. When weighing myself daily I can see just how fast I can lose (or gain) weight.
Weighing in every day keeps me honest. I don’t know about you but I have seen upwards of seven pound weight increases after particularly social weeks. A few of those strung together and you can find yourself in serious trouble. But being armed with daily updates eliminates shocking surprises. The more often you weigh yourself, the less chance there is of weight gain (or loss if that’s what you’re trying to avoid) sneaking up on you.
But if weight loss is your goal, like it is mine, then you can also see how one stellar day of healthy eating, lots of water, and exercise can move the scales in your favor, which is super motivating!
6. I can identify set-points far more easily.
It is really difficult to identify true set-points when you only weigh yourself once a week. I know when I have hit a set point because my weight is the same to the ounce multiple days in a row. And when it does change a little in either direction, it goes right back to that number again. When this happens consistently over the course of two to three weeks, I know I’ve plateaued and need to step up up my game to power through it.
7. Weighing myself every day motivates me to try harder.
I no longer allow myself to indulge early in the week because the saboteur in my brain convinced me I can correct any damage by my Friday weigh-in. Now, every day matters more because every morning I face the reality of my actions from the day before. Weighing myself every day has quieted that voice that tries to bargain and manipulate. “It’s onlyMonday,” the saboteur would say. “You can totally get a cheeseburger and fries and just be good the rest of the week.” More often than not, I’d listen.
But not anymore. Every day matters.
Is it any wonder why weighing myself only once a week didn’t work for me?
Now trust me when I say that what works for me may NOT work for you. I am simply sharing what DOES work for me, and giving you the permission to try something different. I literally felt wrong when I started weighing myself daily, like I was committing a crime. I reluctantly confessed to my counselor what I had started doing, expecting her to reprimand me for doing something so foolish. But instead, she said, “If that’s what you want to do, try it.”
“Really!” I asked, surprised.
“You need permission? I give you permission.”
And I have been weighing myself daily ever since.
Obviously I am doing lots of other things to help me lose weight. Weighing yourself every day is not the secret to weight loss. But if you are working to lose weight, you may want to give it a try, or maybe start with several times a week. But if your system isn’t broken, then don’t fix it! My previous system of weighing in once a week was broken. And if yours isn’t serving you, then give yourself the permission to try something different, regardless of what you’ve been told.
There are no blanket rules that apply to everyone. And besides, it seems the “rules” are changing. I was happy to see my claim that weighing yourself more often may be beneficial backed up by the latest research. It was revealed at The Obesity Society’s Annual Scientific Meeting that weighing in at least four times a week can help you drop more pounds. According to Shape magazine, other studies have also shown that frequent weigh-ins increase your motivation by helping you monitor your progress. In fact, another quick Google search results in loads of articles suggesting the same thing.
11:15, 12:00, 12:30, 12:45, 1:30, 2:00, 2:15… every time I opened my eyes during a restless sleep it was somehow a perfect quarter. Finally, I rose at 4:00 am, a nice even number for this Gemini. You see, today is my birthday. But it wasn’t excitement that kept me from sound sleep. It was uncertainty over whether or not I would get my birthday wish. And by 4:02 am, it was clear that I wouldn’t.
Writing about Weight
I’m going to do something here I’ve never done before. I’m going to write about my weight. I am going to tell you that I crossed the threshold of 200 pounds in July, 2013 and have been over it ever since, maxing out at a shameful 230 at one point. What I won’t do is go into all the contributing factors that lead to this. Not because they’re necessarily private, but because it all boils down to me numbing myself by stuffing food in my face and pouring alcohol down my throat. It was a stressful, dark, angry few years… I coped with food and drink.
Thanks to therapy and incredible tools, this year has finally been different and I’ve been losing the weight. (I will go into more details on this in another post.) But I’ve been feeling good and working hard and my mind has been working with me, rather than against me. And so I made a birthday wish. All I wanted today was to wake up and get on that scale and see a number under 200. That’s all.
This birthday wish has consumed me, especially these past few days as I made all my last ditch attempts to make my wish come true. That included walking 11 miles yesterday, and ending my day in a sauna. I didn’t care if the number was back up over 200 after breakfast, or even a tall glass of water. I only wanted to see 199.9 for a second, just to know it was possible.
And in case you’re thinking it by now, yes, I know I put a lot of emphasis on weight. I always have. I’ve recently realized I have many limiting beliefs wrapped up in weight and numbers. I am still very much on this journey and I still have a long way to go, particularly in this area. But the fact that I am even writing about it today is significant.
“Weighting”
Back to my wish. Last night, I knew in my heart I wouldn’t make it. I came home from the gym showered and defeated. “Well, that’s it,” I said to Mike. “There’s nothing else I can do but wait and see.” I wasn’t tired, but I was dejected, so I began my restless night in bed.
I worried how I would feel if my gut (no pun intended) was right and I didn’t get my wish. It would certainly put a damper on my birthday. Probably not wise to start my 35th year throwing a scale and crying in a heap on the floor. I worried what I’d write in this birthday post. I didn’t dare draft one word, not knowing what the outcome would be or how I would possibly feel.
And so at 4:00 am I woke up, used the bathroom, stripped off my clothes and got on the scale. It was a number this Gemini could appreciate. A nice even 202.
I must have matured a bit over my restless night between 34 and 35 because I didn’t kick the scale or cry, or even curse, or feel anything really. In fact, I felt… satisfied? It was like, “Okay, now let’s get on with our day.” I had put so much emphasis on this one second of my birthday and it was over in an instant. I immediately realized that I still got to see a number I hadn’t seen in years (8/22/13 to be exact) and I still managed to lose 7.3 lbs. in 10 days (which is awesome for me).
I didn’t get my wish. But the truth is that I feel great. And I am comforted by knowing I tried my hardest and didn’t give up. I’ll get there. By my estimates, factoring adding back on some water weight and birthday plans, it will take a little over a week. I’m down 28 pounds so far for the year. That’s something to be proud of. I have until the end of June to get down to 190 in order to collect my $1,500 from HealthyWage. (Sign up for HealthyWage by May 30 using this link and add $40 to each of our prize pots in the process.) I’ll get there, too.
34 was a good year. Most significantly, I quit smoking, and continued to come home to myself. I published Questions For Life, traveled to two new places, and started my Integrative Wellness and Life Coaching certification training. I’m proud of myself. And I’m excited for what 35 will bring. After all, I know I can do hard things.
And as for the rest of my birthday, I’m officially on staycation through Monday! I have assorted lovely plans I am very much looking forward to, including lots of time for exercise and catching up on good old fashioned magazines while laying in my hammock. Ahhh… bliss.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for spending another year with me on this journey.
Weight loss is all about figuring out what works for you. Unfortunately, it often takes a long time to figure out what that is. In the meantime, we need to try out a whole lot of what doesn’t work. ‘Count calories’ is an extremely common piece of advice said to help us lose weight, along with ‘exercise more.’ Well, I did count calories. For years. And for years I saw zero results (in fact, I gained weight) and just kept on counting anyway. Finally, I realized it just wasn’t working for me. Here are 7 reasons why I stopped counting calories.
1. I stopped looking at food as FOOD, and only as calories.
Food is fuel, but when you become obsessed with calories you lose sight of what fuels you. Instead, you often focus on what you can have for X amount of calories, regardless of whether it’s nutritious or not. I have consumed countless “diet” and “100-calorie” snacks laden with chemicals and ingredients I can’t pronounce all in the name of quantity. “But I can have seventeen of these!” Sound familiar?
Sure, you can have sugar-free “chocolate” or seventeen paper thin mini “Oreos,” but what you don’t get is any nutrition. I was left hungry and unsatisfied constantly (and often returned for more in search of satiation, which resulted in increased calorie intake.) Now I know I could have just had an apple and a tablespoon of peanut butter or heaven forbid, some actual real dark chocolate and been done with it. More calories, sometimes, but also long lasting fiber, protein, and vitamins. Best of all, the wonderful feeling of knowing I gave myself something nutritious and didn’t need to keep rummaging for sustenance.
I’ve since adopted Michael Pollan’s philosophy on food. “Eat real food. Mostly vegetables. Not too much.”
2. Calorie counting made me obsessive.
I am a stickler for accuracy, which became an obsession when counting calories. I weighed and measured all my food, adding and subtracting chips and dry pasta until I had the perfect one or two ounces allowed. When I didn’t know precise measurements I agonized over my estimates. My husband mistakenly taking my perfectly portioned lunch and leaving me his was enough to make me cry with fear and uncertainty. I became inflexible and rigid and loss of total control over my food made me nervous.
3. Calorie counting is an enormous time suck.
Food-shopping, cooking and eating all took longer. The comparing, the weighing, the measuring, the counting, the adding, dictating nutrition facts and entering them into the app I used… it had become such a chore! Many times I ate the same things or bought the same brands, even if a comparable one was on sale, for the sole reason that I didn’t feel like entering new information into the app. Which leads me to my next point…
4. Calorie counting made me hesitant to try new things.
After so many years of calorie counting I know roughly how many calories are in most anything. But when faced with something new that wasn’t accompanied by a package or had a lot of components, I was hesitant to try it because I couldn’t account accurately for the calories. I hated not knowing and didn’t trust guessing. Even if it did come with a package, sometimes I still avoided things if I wasn’t in the mood to list all the nutrition facts into the app. Better to stick with what I was certain about. For someone who loves trying new things as much as I do, this was a huge deterrent.
5. I wanted to minimize my obligations.
If something you do to HELP yourself becomes a stressful burden that you dread, then it’s time to rethink it.
6. I learned enough to get by without counting calories.
This is where I will say that I am grateful for some of the time I spent counting calories. Counting calories taught me portion sizes and how many calories are in most foods, as well as how to calculate calories of most things in my head. But if you’re reading this, then you most likely know these things by now, too. Cutting the chord isn’t easy. But if counting calories has you obsessing or stressed out, and you know the basics, then try striking it out on your own. Chances are, like me, you know what and how much you should be eating.
7. I want to live my life fully, freely and BALANCED.
I don’t have the time, energy or desire to obsess and worry over every single thing I put in my mouth. What I want is to achieve balance. My friend, Amanda, said something to me last week that makes me believe I’m getting there. I had lost my first ten pounds for the year and she said, “And you’re doing it right. Don’t forget you went out for restaurant week and had fried chicken!”
Yes, I most certainly did! I also had several drinks, two huge biscuits that accompanied the chicken, and some of my dessert (I would have eaten all of it if I wasn’t so full.) I don’t want weight loss to mean I can never go out for restaurant week again, or drink with my friends, or have dessert. It is possible to find balance. I have witnessed it, not only in my first ten pounds, but in others.
I have been inspired for years by a random woman I saw leaving the gourmet Italian deli and bakery next to my office. She was in her running clothes, all sweaty, and she had a huge hot drink and a cinnamon roll the size of her head! I thought to myself, “That! That is what I want!” Not necessarily the cinnamon roll (although it looked phenomenal) but the BALANCE. Here was a fit woman who clearly just went running and then got herself what she wanted.
I don’t believe I can achieve balance while counting every calorie. Some people can, and I say good for them! But it’s not for me.
I have felt liberated since I stopped counting calories at the start of 2016. I still remember saying to my coach, “I don’t want to do this anymore. Is that okay?” I was worried she’d say I had to keep doing it, but it was just so clear it wasn’t working for me. She agreed and gave me the permission I was looking for.
I got my time back, became more relaxed with food, and saved myself $9.00/month from canceling the subscription to the app I used. Once again, I made new recipes, tried new things, and enjoyed my renewed food freedom.
I also found that everything I learned had stuck. I didn’t all of a sudden forget how to check nutrition facts or serving sizes or how many calories are in a banana. And I still sometimes weigh out an ounce of tortilla chips with my chili or 2 ounces of pasta for my lunch, just to keep from accidentally over-eating. And I actually do write down everything I eat in my planner every day – just little notes to jog my memory and help me keep track of things. I don’t include specific details like quantity or portion sizes. Just enough information to help me figure out what works, what doesn’t, and how certain foods make me feel.
That’s what works for me. Calorie counting didn’t. Remember, it’s all about what works for YOU.
Back on December 8, I shared my latest weight loss saga in ‘Twas The Night Before Weigh-In: My Christmas Struggle Story. In this post I’ve provided an update on how that all turned out. I certainly learned a lot over the past twenty days, including one very valuable lesson about the reasons why we do things. It turns out that because you want something is a good enough reason to go after what you want… but more on that after the update.
In case you didn’t catch the Christmas Struggle Story post and don’t feel like reading it now, I will summarize quickly (but it’s a good post so you should read it.) Long story short, I signed up for a clinical study and went through the majority of the enrollment process before learning my BMI was POINT 3 too high. I was given a week to lose two pounds right in the midst of holiday festivities. But I did it! Only to be told the night before my weigh-in that some of my test results hadn’t come in yet so we’d have to reschedule. Twelve more days, during the height of the Holiday season, I’d have to maintain this lower BMI. It was a struggle. But the day before my appointment I was on point to meet my goal.
Update
Nineteen days I monitored my weight, resisted cravings, adjusted and micromanaged, all during Holiday parties, dinners, and gatherings. Not making this goal was not an option. I would not suffer the embarrassment of not being able to lose two measly pounds and then maintain that loss. The day before my appointment I weighed myself and was on target. For good measure I decided to eat very light and skip dinner. All was well… until at 5:05 that evening when the doctor called.
It turns out that my weight wasn’t the only thing that didn’t meet the guidelines. My cholesterol was also several points too high. It was an automatic exclusion in the study. Maybe they could re-screen me in a couple months, she said.
I was disappointed. But when something is simply not meant to be, it’s pretty obvious. And this was obviously not meant to be.
I had plans to go see the new Star Wars movie that night and after a sense of disappointment, my very next thought was, “well, at least I can get some popcorn now.”
Silver lining. I ate the crap out of that popcorn, too.
Call it resentment, entitlement, bitterness, or whatever, but I ate kind of crappy the next day, too. I couldn’t put my finger on why, though. I feel grateful for the challenge and this exercise (pun intended). I learned that it IS possible to not gain weight, and even lose weight, during a month as full of indulgences as December. Being forced to lose weight for this study was precisely what I needed to learn what I could do, as long as I was willing to focus and had the right incentive.
Finding Another Reason
But now I’m learning how quick I can backslide as soon as my incentive is taken away… and I don’t like it. One and a half days I allowed myself to over indulge and feel whatever negative emotion I was feeling. I’ve put a stop to that. But I still feel less motivated. I wonder… why isn’t my health and my own desires to lose weight enough reason to go after what I want? Why did it take a doctor and a clinical study to get my ass in gear?
These are the questions I’m asking myself today…
I don’t have an answer, except to say that what I want needs to be enough incentive. And lucky for me, I have the perfect motivational mantra to help me. I got through nineteen days successfully managing my weight. I did it once, so I can do it again. I WILL finish the rest of this holiday season, and this month, and this year at my clinical study goal (or less), mark my words. And I will do it for no other reason than it is WHAT I WANT.
Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe I was not meant for this study. What it was meant for was teaching me this lesson. It gave me a confidence and an empowerment to end my year strong and to start a new one with even more optimism and energy than usual.
Because we want something really should be all the reason we need to go after things. For many individualized reasons, it’s often not enough motivation. But it needs to be. What better reason than because we want it!?
So now, ask yourself: is this a good enough reason to go after what you want?
I’m tired. Sure, it’s the most wonderful time of the year to be stressed and overwhelmed after all. But that’s not only why I’m tired. I’m tired because I have three events over the next three days all centered around food. The thought of navigating said events without overindulging exhausts me. The holidays are a particularly difficult time of the year for people with weight and food issues. But on top of the usual food anxiety, I have added pressure this year. You see, I’m participating in a clinical study and there is a weight requirement. A requirement I didn’t quite make…
But let me back up.
On the first of December I began enrollment for the clinical study. If you haven’t participated in one before, trust me that there is a lot involved. A twenty plus page consent form to review, physical, blood testing, other examinations… I was two hours in to my appointment when the doctor asked if I knew what my BMI (body mass index) was. “I believe it’s thirty-four,” I said. “Oh, good,” she said. “Thirty-five or higher is an automatic exclusion in the study.”
It was time for me to undress and prepare for the examination portion of this lengthy enrollment process. I sat on the edge of the examination table holding my thin pink gown closed around my naked body when the doctor returned looking forlorn. My heart sank.
“What is it?” I asked.
She placed her hands on my knees, a kind gesture. “I am so sorry, but I just calculated your BMI and you don’t qualify.”
Stunned, my mind kicked into overdrive. “I lost weight since my last visit!” I exclaimed hopefully. “Weigh me again,” I demanded, sliding off the table.
My attitude energized the doctor. “Let’s do this!” she said. “Take off your necklace, take off your earrings.” It would have been funny if it wasn’t so desperate. “I won’t ask you to take off your robe.”
“Oh God, please don’t.” Even though this women would eventually perform a breast exam and place her fingers inside of me, I have my limits. They include standing naked on a scale in front of an audience.
Just as I had known, I lost weight since my last appointment. Not too shabby for a week after Thanksgiving, if I do say so myself. The doctor punched the numbers into her BMI calculator. She looked up at me, sadly.
“Thirty-five POINT three.”
“POINT three?” I asked in disbelief.
She nodded.
Tears welled in my eyes. For the first time in my life I wouldn’t be able to do something solely because of my weight. And that is an incredibly harsh reality.
She placed a sympathetic arm around my shoulders as I apologized profusely.
“No, no, I’m sorry,” she said. “That BMI is too low. Nearly half my patients have a BMI higher than 35.”
“How much weight does the point three amount to?” I asked, wiping my eyes.
“Two pounds.”
“I can lose two pounds.”
“I know you can. But unfortunately we can’t continue with the examination at this point. But we can reschedule for a month from now.”
“Will we have to do everything over?”
“Yes, but don’t you worry about that.”
She gave me another compassionate squeeze and left me to get dressed. I was mortified. And full of self-loathing.
After a short while she returned looking much more positive than when she departed.
“Don’t kill me,” she started. “But I re-read through all the guidelines and it turns out we can continue with the examination and record your weight at your second visit next week!”
“So I just have to lose two pounds in a week and we can stay on schedule?”
“Yep!”
“I can do that!”
“Great! I have to ask you to get undressed again.”
This was turning into one hell of an emotional rollercoaster…
So let’s fast forward to yesterday, December 7, the day before my appointment. I weighed myself in the morning and I had succeeded in losing the two pounds plus a little extra for wiggle room (pun intended). I felt accomplished and relieved. The pressure would soon be off.
But then I received a phone call in the evening. All my test results hadn’t come in yet so my appointment would have to be postponed after all. Now, after all that, I have to maintain this weight twelve more days… and right in the midst of a jam packed holiday social calendar. FUN! It will be my twelve days of Christmas indeed. On the first day of Christmas, I’ll forego bread and pasta, on the second, dessert, on the third, cheese… oh God, help me.
The pressure is on. Willpower is not infinite. Like a fuel tank, it runs low. Too much use and you’ll find yourself on empty. I don’t expect everyone to understand this struggle. But there are those of you whom I know full well do understand. And also understand that one dinner out can add three pounds and the Christmas weight struggle is real. When food is a trigger, three nights of festivities and dinners (two of which are at Italian restaurants) is daunting. I am nervous and anxious.
But then again, I have the tools and I know I can do this. I am looking at these twelve days as an opportunity. An opportunity to test myself, practice tools, and shift my focus from the food to the people I will be spending time with. I am intrigued by the possibility of going through a holiday season not feeling bloated and indulgent, but instead feeling healthy and balanced. It will certainly make picking out my outfits easier… and give me added confidence especially with visiting friends and family I haven’t seen in a while.
I’m up to the challenge. Will I make my goal? Stay tuned to find out…
