Back in 2016, incredibly tired and frustrated from not knowing how to deal with toxic people, I wrote a post titled “11 Quotes to Remember When Faced with Toxic People.” Gathering those quotes was a desperate attempt to help myself stop taking things someone said and did so personally. The quotes helped me to remember that I was not the problem. They helped me to remember that I should have compassion for this person who was so obviously in tremendous emotional pain. Most of all, they helped me stop giving this person so much mental and emotional energy…

…sometimes. A little… maybe.

No quote in the world could help when this toxic person was in my face hurling insults while simultaneously making demands. During times like those the only words going through my mind were of the four letter variety.

I know many of you can relate, unfortunately. My post with all those lovely quotes recently recirculated around Pinterest and has since been shared over 38,000 times. Many of you subscribed to hear more from me. To you I say welcome and thank you!

Considering so many of you are clearly dealing with toxic people of your own (and looking for positive coping tools), I wondered if perhaps there was anything I could add that might help.

Let me first clarify that it should go without saying that the kind of toxic people I’m talking about here are the ones you’re sort of stuck with. If an acquaintance or boyfriend or friend or distant cousin is toxic then kick ’em to the curb. There’s zero reason to put up with that shit. The people I’m talking about are the ones our lives are entwined with — close family members, in-laws, etc. — the ones that never seeing again would require greater pain to a larger familial unit.

So anyway, it turns out I do have something to add on the subject of how to deal with toxic people. You see, my relationship with one of the toxic people in my life changed dramatically. Death does that.

Yes, she passed away.

We were on good terms when she died, thankfully. I had learned to better cope with her over the past couple years. If I have any regrets, it’s that I didn’t learn sooner how to set healthy boundaries and not give her so much space in my mind.

I don’t need to go gather quotes from other people this time to share advice on how to deal with toxic people. I know from my own personal experience.

How to Deal with Toxic People: 7 More Important Things to Remember

1. Remember the source

The people walking around battling with everyone closest to them are fighting a much bigger battle with themselves. Trust me, this is something I know A LOT about. People who aren’t happy with themselves can never be happy with you. And if you are happy, you better believe they will resent you even more for it. We are all mirrors for one another. We see in others what we hate in ourselves and we will do anything to make it about the other person. That’s projection, and it’s what we do to protect ourselves.

So remember, the source of someone’s anger is often themselves.

2. Work towards setting healthy boundaries

This, my friends, may take a while. If you slap down concrete boundaries you better believe the toxic people in your life are going to raise all hell and fire every weapon they have in their arsenal to break them down. I learned this the hard way. Please don’t make my mistake.

For example, you probably shouldn’t say, “You call too much. For now on I will call you once a week. Don’t call me.” I think it’s safe to say that’s not going to go over very well. (I never even tried something that brazen.)

The trick here, from my personal experience, is to slowly lay down boundaries. Start innocuously. For you that may be not answering the phone and not returning the call until tomorrow (gasp!). I cannot stress to you enough that this is PERFECTLY NORMAL BEHAVIOR. You do not need to sit and imagine every single nasty thing the caller is saying about you. You don’t need to wrestle with calling or not calling back and work yourself into such a state that you have a full blown anxiety attack. I’m going to tell you what I wish someone had told me: you can let it go to voicemail and not give it another second’s thought!

I spent the past several years laying down boundaries that I adjusted and reinforced gradually over time. For the most part, it worked. Life became more peaceful and the relationship less stressful. Sometimes I gave in to a false sense of security and lifted a boundary only to learn the hard way and need to lay it back down. Sometimes I just ignored the boundaries and allowed things because it felt like the right thing to do.

In my opinion, boundaries cannot be set in stone. Consistency is key, especially in the beginning when your boundaries are most likely to be challenged. But use your judgement and trust yourself and make adjustments, as necessary.

3. Send loving kindness

This is a tough, but incredibly powerful gift to give not only toxic people, but to everyone, including yourself. Loving kindness is (in summary) unconditional, inclusive love — it does not depend on whether one “deserves” it or not and it is not restricted to friends and family. Most importantly, there are no expectations of anything in return.

There are several variations of loving kindness or “metta” meditation (Google it for variations). Following is the version I use. You can insert any person’s name, “I,” “my friends,” “my family,” “all living beings,” etc.

May ______ be well, happy and peaceful.
May no harm come to them.
May no difficulties come to them.
May no problems come to them.
May they always meet with success.
May they also have patience, courage, understanding, and determination to meet and overcome inevitable difficulties, problems, and failures in life.

It is a beautiful and compassionate practice.

4. Have compassion

I can honestly tell you that sitting here today I understand why the person who caused so much anguish was the way she was. I also understand why her love was so conditional. I understand a great deal of why she felt the way she did, thought the way she did, and behaved the way she did. And this is why I carry no anger or resentment.

Not everyone will have the opportunity to go behind the curtain and discover the backstory. But let me tell you, we ALL have an origins story. People who cause pain are in pain. And if you can remember that, then there is room for compassion.

5. Don’t place blame on innocent people

If the person driving you nuts is your brother’s wife, don’t blame your brother for bringing her into your lives. I know you want to direct your anger somewhere. You want to tell him what to do to keep that bitch in line. You want him to defend you against her. But please, try not to place blame. Again, I speak from experience as the blame-placer.

I’m willing to bet your brother already feels awful about the whole situation. Don’t add to that by making him feel guilty and putting him between a rock and a hard place. It’s a shitty situation for everyone.

You’re much better off doing these other things instead (and supporting your brother who probably really needs you right now.)

6. Remember that you are NOT powerless

It is extremely important that I tell you that there are times when there is more power in doing nothing than something.

I can still feel the physical sensation of the frustration and rage I experienced when I felt silenced and powerless to defend myself against toxic people. I wanted to scream and argue, anything to get my point across! And I see now that was what frustrated me most — that I couldn’t get my point across. I was dealing with someone who said whatever she wanted then hung up or threw you out of her house before you could get one word in. (And in case you’re thinking it, of course I tried emails!)

But let me ask you. Have any of you ever successfully gotten your point across to this kind of toxic person?

Of course not! Because if they listened they wouldn’t be a toxic person! And this is what I wish I had learned a long time ago. I wasn’t powerless in those situations. I confused not being able to speak with being powerless. I wouldn’t have been heard either way.

And eventually I learned to be quiet because being quiet was disarming. And in disarming I found that I was more powerful and avoided unnecessary anguish.

7. Forgive

Even if you remember all of these things, you will sometimes find yourself feeling hurt and angry at the hands (and tongues) of toxic people. You may also find yourself feeling angry with yourself for not handling things better. And at times like that, I hope you will remember to practice forgiveness.

Rather than try to articulate my thoughts on this subject, I will leave you with this Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness.

If I have harmed any one in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them.

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that.

For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge, or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.

Thank you for reading.

The Olympics couldn’t have come at a better time, at least for me personally. They’ve been the dose of inspiration I’ve needed in a long, uninspiring, sluggish, dark, cold winter. In watching, I made an important realization. Here I’m going to share what I learned watching the Olympics.

What I Learned Watching the Olympics

I sat on my couch in awe as I watched the women’s half-pipe and Chloe Kim win gold. She’s fluent in three languages and a gold medalist at 17. I smiled ear to ear overjoyed for her as she made her victory run.

“I can’t even not eat too much pizza,” I said aloud to myself.

Although I’ve always had incredible admiration for Olympians, I assumed they arrived at the Olympics because the deck was stacked in their favor. Like the fourth generation son in a long line of Harvard graduates, I figured a lot of it came down to where they live, who they know, and how much money they have. First of all, these sports are expensive! And you can’t do most of these sports just anywhere.

So I figured “good for them,” but thought, “yeah, I could be an Olympian too if I had rich, supportive parents who exposed me to a sport at a young age, nurtured my talent and made sure I lived in an area where I could practice.”

What I learned not only watching the Olympics this year, but listening, is how wrong I was.

First of all, not all Olympians have the deck stacked in their favor. Yes, Chloe Kim may have the world’s most supportive parents. (Her dad quit his job when she was eight years old so that he could travel the world with her!) But the closest halfpipe to her home in California was five hours away. During the two years she lived in Switzerland, she had to take two trains to reach the Alps. Not to mention that no matter how much support she had, she still had to find the courage to speed down a vertical slope and up the other side in order to launch herself into the air and flip around a few times before landing on hard packed snow. No matter your circumstances, that kind of courage comes from within.

And let’s look at figure skater Adam Rippon. During his interview immediately following his solo team skate, an announcer asked him what it took to be there in PyeongChang. He explained that he had moved to Los Angeles six years ago to work with a certain coach. In order to do so, he slept in a basement and stole apples from the gym because he couldn’t afford a place to live, let alone food.

After hearing these stories, this is what I learned watching the Olympics: Dreams require sacrifice.

Sacrifice

Deck stacked in my favor or not, I don’t have what it takes to be an Olympian. I don’t have that ability to sacrifice to the level required of me in order to reach my dreams.

Do you really think Chloe Kim woke up at the crack of dawn every Saturday excited to sit in a car for five hours? Maybe sometimes? She was a kid when she started snowboarding and then a teenager, that wonderful age when our friends, love lives, and phones take precedence over all else. But not for Chloe and Adam and the other Olympians. They sacrificed. And that’s why they’re in South Korea right now. And they damn well deserve to be there.

I am in awe of Olympians. For me, I’m not just watching what they can do, but I’m watching for what they have done to get to where they are. I love the stories. The setbacks, the trials, the tribulations. Each story is incredibly inspiring to me.

I don’t have a completed draft of my novel or weigh less than I did this time last year, let alone have a medal around my neck. That’s because I don’t sacrifice enough. I don’t sacrifice sleep, couch time, eating or drinking too much, the urge to be lazy… is it any wonder I haven’t achieved my goals and dreams.

But I’m taking inspiration from these Olympians and at least now I know what it takes to be a champion: sacrifice.

What have you sacrificed to achieve your dreams?

Another year has gone. One of my greatest fears is living the same year over and over and calling it life. To ensure I’m not doing that, I prioritize year end reflection to evaluate how I did on my goals, and contemplate the year’s highlights, successes, and the new experiences it provided. I try not to take life for granted. Taking time to reflect helps me to better appreciate the year behind me, acknowledge my growth and successes, and express gratitude for it all. It also helps me to assess where I fell short and what I want out of the year ahead. And now that 2017 is behind us, here’s my year in review.

2017 Year End Reflection Highlights:

1. New Travel Experience: Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

Mike and I traveled to Punta Cana this past March for our friend’s 40th birthday. That was not only a beautiful and incredible experience overall, but it also provided a wonderful exercise in letting go when we got stuck there a few extra days due to bad weather back home. Travel is important to me and I’m glad we went and had this luxurious experience. The trip yielded two blog posts if you’d like to read more about it:

Stuck in Punta Cana: An Exercise in Letting Go and

Jumping in at Hoyo Azul Cenote in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

2. Integrative Wellness and Life Coaching Certification

In April I attended an Integrative Wellness and Life Coaching Certification course. Over the next few months I completed my coursework and practicum. In July I received my official certification. This course was worth every penny. I learned so many useful tools not only to help myself maintain well being and balance in my own life, but also how to help others do the same. Although other priorities have still been my focus, I am available for coaching. I’m not sure where this will take me yet, but I’m grateful for the tools and knowledge I acquired through this process.

3. Renewed Relationships

2017 saw the return of my father (and his family) into my life. I truly believe that things happen when we are ready, and when they are meant to. I’ve done a lot of work letting go, forgiving, and opening my heart. Once my heart was open, opportunities just seemed to present themselves. I seized those opportunities and was rewarded with the return of family. I am incredibly grateful for this.

4. New Job

After thirteen years in non-profit, including six years at my most recent position, I made the shift to corporate. I left my job and took a position as Marketing Operations Manager in November. Changing jobs was not one of my 2017 goals, but again, opportunities presented themselves and I went for them. When they didn’t work out, I learned from them and went after more. I found a wonderful new job and am incredibly happy and grateful for this shift in my career. I’m also proud of myself for being open to a major change and pursuing it.

5. Weight Loss

I kicked off 2017 with a weight loss challenge to lose forty pounds in six months. It was the hardest damn thing I ever did in my life, but I did it. Yes, I lost 40 pounds in six months.

Unfortunately I’ve gained a bit of it (okay, a lot of it) back. But my weight loss still belongs on this list because it consumed six months of my year and was a tremendous accomplishment. And I am happy to report that I’m ending 2017 weighing less than I did when it started. Therefore, goal achieved.

6. Major Minimizing

I’ve been minimizing my possessions and embracing a more minimalist lifestyle for just under three years now. It’s definitely something that progresses in stages. This past year I minimized my already pared down wardrobe by more than half!  You can read more about that here. Minimalism continues to be a way of life for me. In fact, I’m playing #minsgame again starting January 1! And if you’d like to join me in playing, please post your photos on social media using #minsgamewithjw in your posts.

7. Not One Cigarette

I quit smoking July 23, 2016 and haven’t touched another cigarette since. Not when I was out socializing, not drunk in Punta Cana… NOT ONE CIGARETTE. Although reaching my one year anniversary on July 23 was very cool, I think it’s even cooler to say for the first time in over fifteen years: I DIDN’T SMOKE THIS YEAR! I have not one single experience associated with smoking in 2017. I’m proud of myself for that.

2017 Reflection:

Thanks to year end reflection I think it’s safe to say that 2017 was a good year. It definitely wasn’t the same as the years before it! I traveled, lost weight, was smoke-free, changed jobs, learned a lot, and rekindled relationships with estranged family. I can go to bed on New Year’s Eve with a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart.

2017 Goal Analysis:

But how’d I do on my 2017 goals? Well, let’s see, shall we? Here they are:

1. Pay off three specific debts.

I paid off two of the three! The third I reduced only by $447.05. (2018 is going to be a big year for finances so stay tuned for more on that.)

2. Complete the first draft of my fiction novel.

I knew this was a bold goal. I didn’t even come close to achieving this. HOWEVER, I did make progress. And I do have some momentum heading into 2018. You will see this goal again. I refuse to give up on it. But I’ve adjusted my approach to accomplishing how I achieve it. Clearly, what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working.

3. Establish a healthy morning routine, and maintain it consistently.

I didn’t get up at 5 am every weekday, but I’d say I did wake up early more days than not. Therefore, I deem this goal a success. I rarely used the extra time to work out, but I did sit in my office, enjoy my coffee, plan for the day ahead, journal, read, etc. I enjoy my leisurely mornings. Overall, I have felt more organized and less stressed as a result of waking up earlier. This goal won’t need repeating because after a year, waking up early is just something I do most days naturally now.

4. Drastically reduce the amount of time I spend on Facebook/social media.

Turning off notifications on my phone was one of the smartest things I did this year. This drastically reduced how often I check in on social media. I still find myself scrolling my way down rabbit holes at times, but it’s not as often. Regardless, I’ve learned I’m not missing anything. It’s still fun and I’m not about to quit social media, but I can certainly cut back even more. That will require mindfulness to catch myself because I swear sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it.

5. Continue setting New Moon Intentions each moon cycle with specific 29 day goals.

I’ve benefited from and enjoyed being more in sync with lunar cycles. I set new moon intentions almost every moon cycle. I can’t say how much it has improved my productivity, but it has improved my sense of connectedness to the Universe. For me, moon ritual is spiritual. My natural rhythm better matches the moon’s, and so this is what works for me.

6. Lose weight

For the third consecutive year I am completing the year weighing less than when it began. You already know I lost forty pounds this past year, but I also gained almost all of it back. But the goal was to lose weight. And I did that. You’ll see a version of this goal among my 2018 goals, but a bit different… stay tuned.

I’ve been saying all year that 2017 was a good year. Thanks to year end reflection, I can see with certainty that I was correct. Sure, there were rough spots and losses, but what would be the point in writing about those? When you focus on the positive, life is positive. It’s that simple. And I can see that I had one hell of a positive year.

Now it’s my favorite time of year! It’s time to plan for 2018! Stay tuned for my 2018 goals coming on December 31. Thanks so much for reading. I wish you all a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!

What about you? What are some of your 2017 highlights? How did you do with your goals? I’d love to hear from you!

NaNoWriMo:

If you’re a regular reader, then you know I participated in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) throughout all of November; the goal being to draft 50,000 words of a novel in one month.

I am extremely pleased to report that I succeeded! I “won” NaNoWriMo and what I have accomplished is far more than an outline. Writing a novel has been a dream of mine since I was a child and I am now 50,000 steps closer, thanks to the good people at National Novel Writing Month, a nonprofit organization dedicated to encouraging writers. I am in love with what I’ve created so far.

Now the goal will be to maintain the momentum, at least somewhat, and work at revisions. The real writing comes in the editing.

If I could do this, then so can you. I cannot say it enough: if there is something you desperately want to do, please, start now. Dedicate a month, a week, even a weekend to getting things started. Getting started is the hardest part, I assure you. The magical thing though is that getting started takes no time at all. Open your laptop, save a blank file, write a sentence – any sentence, even a line of dialogue stuck in your head – and just like that, you’ve gotten started! Once you do, who knows what you may achieve after a month…

Thanksgiving:

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving. I am happy to report that I enjoyed mine very much thanks to all the tools I have acquired over the past year. By maintaining an open heart, managing my expectations, and being mindful of my actions and the present moment, I had a very peaceful day and felt a lot of love for those around me.

Like with all families, there was some madness. But what I found is that when you don’t participate in the madness, it can’t escalate. Madness/chaos/negativity – it’s all a fire. Without added wood or oxygen, the fire simply burns out. I didn’t participate as wood or oxygen. I endured a little heat and in no time, things fizzled out.

Happy, peaceful visits with my family, my mom especially, mean a great deal to me. We’ve been through a lot of tough times and a lot of unpleasant holidays. I think every good one tips the scales a little bit in a more favorable direction and removes any residual bitter taste that lingers from the previous year. The only taste left in my mouth from this past Thanksgiving is a pleasant one.

What’s Next:

November ends today and as promised, I am heading back on the road to continue my journey.  I am eager to continue the exercises in A Course in Weight Loss, get back to yoga more regularly, and reinvigorate my home meditation practice. All of these things have fallen by the wayside while I was prioritizing writing. It’s difficult to do everything all at once. It’s one thing to give up things we don’t love (like television watching and Facebook), but sometimes we also need to sacrifice things we do love to make room for other things we desire. There’s nothing wrong with it. This is why I am not broken hearted or beating myself up over any of it. November was a month very well spent.

I confess I’m downright miserable over my weight, though. I had a very successful week in November focusing on a low carb/high protein diet. I cooked some amazing food that week and was pleased with the weight I lost. But then Thanksgiving came along. I’m back on a low carb/high protein diet this week so hopefully I will feel better soon. There’s clearly still a lot that’s impacting my ability, physically and mentally, to take this weight off, though. Figuring this out will be a major focus of mine. As will combating any potential holiday blues, and thinking ahead to the new year, my favorite time of year.

Beyond that, we’ll see what happens. Many of these posts are written in response to things that happen in my life. Both fortunately and unfortunately, we don’t have too much control over those things… I’ll be focusing on the things I can control in the meantime, and trusting the process.

We all want to support our best friends and closest loved ones the best we know how. We also want to feel supported by them in return. It’s not always easy though, because just like how we all speak different primary love languages, I realize we all speak different primary support languages. Do you know how you feel best supported? Do you know your go-to support method when you’re the one doing the supporting?

Many of us lean towards one of two directions, I think. Borrowing my friend Kathy’s words, I will refer to these methods as “Mom” and “Dad.” For example, in times of stress or sorrow, do you have a tendency to skip over sympathy and jump right in with advice or attempt to come up with ways to solve the problem? That’s the ‘Dad’ method. Or are you a hugger, back rubber, and more likely to sympathize and listen? That’s the ‘Mom” method. (Yes, I am generalizing.)

I have had a tendency to crave the ‘Mom’ method for myself when I’m hurting, but speak the ‘Dad’ method when offering support. I am action-oriented. When I am clear-headed, I am a problem solver. But when I’m not, like when I’m upset, I don’t want to answer questions and take advice. That kind of support often makes me feel worse. When I’m upset I want a great big hug and to be told everything will be okay, or something like “Damn, Jess, that (insert any of one million upsetting things here) really sucks and I’m sorry that happened.” Oftentimes the offer to beat someone up for me makes me smile and speeds up the healing process. Oh, and a good joke.

I know this because I have been thinking about support a lot lately. At times I have felt poorly supported, but it has recently occurred to me: Have I made it clear how I want to be supported? Have you? I also realize I have been a crappy supporter at times, not for lack of trying, but for lack of offering what the person needed. 

As I become more mindful and practice listening (really listening), I have worked on doing two things:

1. Expressing my expectations (saying how best to support me):

Recently I wanted to confide something to Kathy, but I hesitated because Kathy has a tendency to ask tough questions and make me do work, like hard work, that I wasn’t interested in doing yet because I was still processing. She’s not so much ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’, but more like ‘High Priestess/Therapist/Earth Angel’.

So I said, “Kathy, I want to tell you something, but I don’t want to do The Work and I don’t want to answer a lot of questions.” Then I told her ‘something’, and she supported me perfectly, exactly the way I needed because she is an amazing friend. I think she would have supported me the same even if I hadn’t told her what I needed, but it was better for me to be clear, I think. And even though I didn’t ask her to offer to beat someone up for me, my wonderful, petite friend offered anyway.

Don’t worry so much about how people will interpret your expressing your expectations. Communication prevents confusion. Several days later Kathy and I were still on the topic of support and she said with a laugh, “People judge way more when they don’t know what the fuck’s going on.” She’s right.

2. Being ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’:

People like to vent; it’s good for them. Most people, in my experience, don’t want you to help solve their problems, at least not right away. Most people want to be heard, and they want their problem validated, whether you consider it deserving or not. Validation does not mean you agree or approve. Validation is simply recognition. I may not consider a stained expensive shoe worth getting upset over, but I can at least recognize how that could be upsetting.

I have oftentimes made upsetting matters far worse by failing to be supportive in the way someone needed. For example, my mom has a lot of physical pain and she often breaks down in conversation because it is upsetting and debilitating to be in pain all the time. I often failed to sympathize with her. I would jump right in with suggestions. “Did you try this? Did you try that?” Since she wasn’t in the mood for advice and suggestions, she’d often get more upset and then I’d accuse her of not helping herself and we’d both wind up feeling awful. I see now she only needed someone to listen and be sympathetic.

Now I try harder to be ‘Mom’ first by sympathizing and listening, even though it isn’t my inclination. I also try to empathize by putting myself in their shoes.

Afterward I ask if there’s anything I can do, and I offer the obvious. “I can call a few dry cleaners in the area and see if they can get the stain out?” Whether my help or advice is requested or accepted, I make it known I am available for help or to listen.

I’m trying to be a more supportive person. But I still struggle when I don’t feel supported. I know I need to be able to support myself, but that still doesn’t take away the desire to feel supported by my loved ones. I also know the root of suffering is attachment and I’m attached to my desire to be supported in certain ways. I have tried making it clear, but what happens when you explain how you’d like to be supported, and you still don’t receive that support? That’s where the suffering comes in.

What about support over dreams and goals?

If you were about to rock climb a tall wall, would you want:

a. Someone at the top reaching for you to pull you up?
b. Someone below you, giving you a boost?
c. Someone alongside you taking every step with you?
d. Someone on the ground cheering you on?
e. Someone at home who gave you the space to do this on your own?

I feel best supported when I am encouraged and when there is an expressed interest in what I am doing. I don’t need someone to rock climb with me. I want someone to believe I can climb the wall, tell me so, and whether I fail or succeed, to ask about my experience and care about my response. That’s the support I desire.

I want ice cream. And Cheez-its. I just pried a bag of Lindt chocolate truffles out of my own hands and in an act of defiance threw it out, grabbed my laptop and started aggressively tapping away these words. There’s no denying it anymore. I am an emotional overeater.

My husband just told me he is going out for ice cream and asked me if I wanted any. “No,” I answered through gritted teeth. For a split second I wondered if I should throw up while he’s gone.

I battle with food and my weight EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. of my life. I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin that my reflection in the mirror catches me by surprise at times. I am not this overweight person. I’m active. I drink water. I’m a healthy cook and meal planner. I am an educated consumer, an expert calorie counter, and know the mathematics of losing weight. What I also am, however, is an emotional eater. It was only within the past few months that I could learn to admit this to myself.

The Emotions I Eat

Tonight a terrible storm ripped through the area. Tornado warnings blared from the television while trees bent horizontal in front of our windows and hail slammed against them. I identified my urge to nibble stemmed from nervousness and I fought it off, afraid to look away from the windows into the fridge. Once the storm passed was another story, unfortunately. Relief, perhaps?

There is hardly an emotion I don’t associate with eating. Happiness: celebrate with food; Frustration: you deserve some food; Anxiety/Nervousness: eat the time away; Sadness: numb it with food; Guilt: distract yourself with food; Abandonment: seek comfort from food; Shame: punish yourself with food.

My mom was an emotional eater. With her permission, I can share with you that she went to Over-eaters Anonymous (O.A.) for a time after her divorce. She’d drag me along when I was too young to stay home alone. I remember all those overweight people standing in a circle, holding hands, reciting the Serenity Prayer. My Mom shared at a meeting that she had eaten nearly a dozen donuts and in an act of desperation, threw the box in the trash. She later retrieved it from the can, had another one while crying with each bite, until she finally threw them back into the trash and dumped used coffee grinds over them for good measure.

I’ve never eaten anything out of the trash, but I will tell you that I see a lot of my mom’s behaviors in me. I don’t know how much is learned and how much is genetics, but I can’t keep living this way. I feel powerless a lot of the time; miserable. I can’t seem to go more than a week without a setback.

Beginning to Understand Why I Am an Emotional Overeater

I started reading A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever. Although I am only on the first lesson, it’s really hitting home. The goal is to reset the mind in order to reset the body. The notion being that we are perfect, but have a tendency to forget who we are. When we can’t remember who we are, we have trouble behaving like the person who in our heart we most long to be. Fear is powerful.

“[Fear] expresses itself as an imposter self, perverting your true nature and making you behave in a way that is opposite of who you truly are.”

Overeaters have a delusional relationship with food, imbuing it with power it doesn’t actually possess, while indulging in an act of self-hatred. The book refers to it as an “emotionally violent act” to which we then scold ourselves for doing, “inflicting further violence.” I know this vicious cycle all too well.

The book aims to help us replace fear with love, and it starts off with an intense emotional exercise to shed excess weight from our minds, the weight of our emotional shadows.

I will be elaborating on this exercise in my next post because I am finding it powerful and beneficial, and it would be for anyone, not just an overeater.

I’m not going to eat anything else tonight. I managed to distract myself long enough. When referring to my weight, I say all the time, “This isn’t me!” But here I am, unexpectedly announcing to all of you that I am an emotional overeater. Why? Because I suppose this is me. And I know for a fact I am not alone. But just because this is who I am now, doesn’t mean it is who I am supposed to be, or who I will remain.

Alas, this is another part of my journey to happiness. I have some serious work ahead of me as I work on getting my emotional shit together.

Thanks so much for reading.

This journey thus far has been an exercise in cracking the nut on my suffering; letting the light in to allow me to see better. I don’t always like what I find. But I’d much rather see, than continue to live my life with blurred vision, never really being able to make things out for exactly what they are. Through mindfulness and self-awareness I am finally seeing more clearly, and have detected some patterns in my emotions and behavior.

I have always been an emotional person, but at times those emotions are volatile. As a teenager my mood swings were chalked up to a chemical imbalance and I was diagnosed as bi-polar and prescribed medication that I rarely took because I thought it made me inauthentic. Over time, I just seemed to grow out of it, except for the one to two weeks leading up to my period, and then it was chalked up to PMS. I wonder now if my problem had always been hormonal…

Some months are better than others, depending on my life at the moment. PMS is an intensifier, like lemon on a wound. If life is going okay and stress is under control, it’s like a scratch, and a little lemon juice isn’t so bad. But if life is painful, an open wound, then PMS can make it downright unbearable. Nothing experienced during this time is disingenuous, just exacerbated. For women who are already emotional on a good day, this monthly roller coaster ride of hormones can be debilitating and destructive, disrupting work and damaging relationships.

Back in February, I experienced one of my lowest points so far this year. My mood changed directions like a weather vane in a tornado and a sense of sadness permeated my soul. On a regular day, I wake with energy and a mission before me, maintaining a fairly positive attitude as I work out, enjoy a healthy breakfast, prepare for work, fix my lunch and walk my dog, Cooper. I am focused and productive at work and my energy stays up through the evening as I continue to be productive. But some days, like back in February, getting out of bed requires monumental effort. I am exhausted, filled with dread and hopelessness. Nothing has meaning. I lay in bed as my tears soak my pillowcase and conjure possible call out excuses. Only maturity and the reality that work is a valuable distraction and that not going will only increase my anxiety gets me to slowly swing my legs out of bed. Working out doesn’t even cross my mind. By now, I will most likely be late for work anyway. I have no appetite so I skip breakfast and figure I’ll just buy lunch, something I don’t like to do, but I don’t care about money or routine. Cooper gets walked because he has to, but I don’t enjoy it, and I feel fatigued after 20 minutes. Driving to the train station, I daydream about car accidents and Cooper being left without his Mommy, and wonder if anyone would miss me…

This particular day back in February, no tool I had learned – meditation, yoga, nor positive thinking combatted the intense hopelessness and frustration that was interfering in my life. Everything was wrong. Desperate, I did something I hadn’t done in a very long time. I called my Mom and sobbed into the phone and explained every ugly emotion I was feeling. I needed sympathy, understanding, and advice. Out of my desperation came a phone call that would single handedly bring our relationship back from the brink of destruction, because she was everything I needed.

“I am so, so sorry you’re just like me,” she said. Together, we identified what might be going on. It was the same thing she had dealt with since she was in her early thirties: Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), PMS’ larger, uglier, angrier sister. Since underlying depression and anxiety are common in both PMS and PMDD, it’s possible that the hormonal changes that trigger a menstrual period worsen the symptoms of mood disorders, hence why emotions are so intensified. It made sense. I exhibited every symptom.

My mom listened and consoled, and urged me to see a doctor. “You have to call tomorrow,” she said. “If you don’t, in a few days you’ll feel better and then you won’t think it’s a big deal anymore. You need to see him while you’re feeling this way. You can’t go through this every month.”

“Can I ask for a hysterectomy?” I cried, dead serious. “You can ask, but menopause is no picnic, either.” We talked until exhaustion set in.

With some reinforcement from a friend (because the next day I felt better and the matter lost its sense of urgency), I did call the doctor. The morning of my appointment I was a mess. I sat in the chair, holding back tears. When the doctor arrived and asked what brought me in, I choked on my words. “You have no control of your emotions.” I don’t know if it was a question or an accusation, so I just nodded and let the tears stream down my face. “We can fix this,” he said.

Within minutes I was given a diagnosis of PMDD and a prescription that burned in my purse. I was back on the elevator heading down to Walnut Street, my mind reeling.

My feelings have been medicated. There wasn’t even any discussion of alternatives. Sure, what I’m feeling is extreme, but these are my feelings, and I want to FEEL them. I don’t want to be numbed! Pills kill creativity and passion – they will change me. How can he prescribe me so quickly? This isn’t just a prescription, but a stigma. What will people think? I have endured for a long time through emotional turmoil and I have done it without medication. There is no room in my toolbox for medication. Healthy, happy people don’t take medication. This isn’t who I want to be…

Already as vulnerable as a seedling during a frost, I struggled greatly with this development and all my preconceptions against medication that would never even cross my mind had anyone but myself been prescribed. But despite the struggle, I still felt a desperation. A desperation that pulled me to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. The bottle would sit in my purse for a few days, and then the medicine cabinet for weeks… unopened.

To be continued…

Please click here to read Part 2.

I don’t believe that people can change. A sapling doesn’t change into a tree; it grows into a tree if cared for properly. If not, its growth is stunted. Rather than changing, I believe we grow into ourselves; like a sapling into a strong tree, becoming more what we were born to be, as we care for ourselves and reach our true potential.

I am growing. I feel it in my limbs. There are all these little amazing things, so small no one else would notice, that I am feeling, observing, and that are happening. Like a tree at the very beginning of spring, tiny specks of growth are budding everywhere.

Although people can’t change, they have the power to change their stories. Heatherash Amara writes in Warrior Goddess Training that transformation starts with how we use our words – how we speak our story to ourselves and others.

“Each word we choose can hold the vibration of healing, peace, and love, or be brimming with fear, victimization, and judgment.”

I am going to tell you a very personal story that I have been telling myself for a very long time:

Your dad doesn’t love you. He is ashamed of you, even though he knows hardly anything about you, and he doesn’t care to get to know you. He doesn’t talk about you and he rarely thinks about you. Seeing him brings nothing to your life but a week of heartache and tears. There are two people in the world who are more or less obligated to love you, and there must be something wrong with you if your father doesn’t.

It’s a sad story. It’s made me cry hundreds of times, and has made me feel great sorrow for the little girl in the story who grew up without a father’s love never feeling like a princess and that she was the most important little girl in the whole world; without that one man who would do absolutely anything for her that she could always count on.

A little over three years ago I decided not to speak to my dad anymore. I did it for me, to spare me from additional hurt and disappointment. It was a good choice at the time. I didn’t have any other tools at my disposal.

But now I do.

I saw my dad for the second time in three years last week. I knew in advance that I might see him. The second the thought occurred to me, it was gone. No trepidation, no anxiety, nothing at all. It wasn’t until I saw the back of his head that I remembered I might see him. Oh, there he is, I thought.

Once we met up, I observed and interacted with him, calm and composed. Nothing he said upset me, except his own self-deprecating humor – it was sad. I gave him a hug goodbye, and went on my way. Be it maturity, new tools, compassion or something else… it was that afternoon that my story began to re-write itself. I realized that he couldn’t hurt me anymore. It was my own attachments to my own idea of what a father/daughter relationship should be that had been hurting me for nearly 30 years. I thought that by not having his doting love, there was a part of me that didn’t grow right, that I would forever be a member of the Daddy Issues club, that I was left with a twisted, rotted limb that dangled dangerously in the wind and I’d never be whole or beautiful.

Later that night, I received a text message from my dad about a surfing movie he had watched and thought I would enjoy. One thing my dad does know about me is my passion for surfing and love of the ocean. He did think of me…

Since seeing my dad, new growth has formed and new words have graced the pages of the previous story. I have decided to let go of my expectations once again and work on accepting my dad for who he is and our relationship for what it is, not what I wished it would be, even if it means talking once a year instead of not at all.

I am going to rewrite the story. The next chapter will begin with a phone call to my dad, inviting him to dinner.

The Holidays are a tough time of year for most due to the high level of expectations and inevitable disappointments. It is almost impossible not to compare, with all the television commercials and catalogs assaulting us with images of what Christmas is supposed to look like. Roaring fires, bountiful buffets gorgeously garnished, caroling families, perfect gifts in perfect wrappings, lovers cuddling by the tree watching the snow fall, hot beverages dusted with freshly shaven chocolate in their hands.

This is an illusion carefully crafted to set the bar so high that we will spend great sums of money in order to try to achieve it. Even if the catalog Christmas does exist in some homes, the perfection is more than likely only on the surface. Forget to use a coaster and the mom of the house is sneaking away, unhinging her gritted teeth only long enough to slug some blackberry brandy and pop a Xanax.

For most of us, Christmas is chaos. It’s a race to get everything decorated, purchased, wrapped, mailed, and baked in time. The day itself involves obligations, lots of traveling, and enduring people you really rather not spend such a special day with. It is smiling at sarcastic comments clearly stemming from passive aggression, eating food that isn’t very good, adorning your best fake smile and exclaiming that yes, you really do like the [hideous] sweater.

The calmest and happiest are those who don’t sweat it. They take joy in their favorite traditions and rituals, and monitor their expectations. They seek out the good stuff, like a good chat in the corner with that awesome cousin they haven’t seen in a year, they know to bring their own craft beer, and they smile and endure the bullshit, because they know the secret of Christmas. And that is: Christmas is just a day. It is a day to make the best of, and to practice patience and love and compassion in the spirit of the season.

Over the years, I have lowered my expectations of Christmas to all-time lows and somehow still found myself being profoundly disappointed. I think the disappointment was worse because my expectations were so low that I couldn’t get my head around why they weren’t met. It was incredibly saddening and left me with a gauntlet of emotions to work my way through.

When my negative emotions I feel about the holiday season were being triggered back in October, I realized something had to change. And that ‘something’ was the only thing I actually had any control over. Me.

In a moment of wonderful clarity, I decided to expect nothing good or bad this Christmas and to relinquish all attachments regarding what I think Christmas should be. Like a snowy winter night, calm came over me.

With zero expectations, I cannot be disappointed on Christmas. Neither am I bracing myself for negativity and poor behavior. If I feel sad about it, I am living in the past. If I am worried about it, I am living in the future. My vision of this Christmas is only a blank canvas that will be painted as each moment unfolds.

And in the spirit of compassion, I think it’s important we all remember that everyone is going through something on Christmas; missing a deceased loved one, wishing they were somewhere else or with someone else, wondering if their estranged parent or sibling is thinking about them. I know that my mom tries so hard every year to make up for past years that she literally falls apart under the pressure and carries so much guilt that she can barely function come Christmas. This will be the year that her daughter will not be disappointed in her. I will not give her, or anyone else, the gift of additional suffering. And I will not be accepting that gift from anyone, either.

And if you need a few extra glasses of nog or another bottle of wine to keep a smile on your face, go for it! I hear calories don’t count on Christmas.

Thank you for reading.I wish you a very Merry Christmas, full of peace in your heart.

Heatherash Amara writes that we all carry the seeds of self-sabotage within our minds in the form of two negative voices; siblings of the same parents, fear and self-rejection. One voice is the judge. The other is the victim.

The voice of the judge looks for what you or others aren’t doing right. My judge is a loud-mouth, the dominant voice in my head. The volume stems from the incredibly high level of my expectations, which branch from my strong attachments to how I think things should be. My judge doesn’t have high standards; it has impossible standards, of myself and others. It is this dominant voice that has kept me in a near-constant cycle of comparison, disappointment and frustration – with myself and others.

The victim, on the other hand, looks for validation, which it never gets. The victim’s voice is the broken record repeating you-can’t-do-it-you’re-not-enough. The victim looks to an internal or external judge to prove its unworthiness. For example, my judge never fails to do just that when speaking to my mom’s victim, her dominant voice. When listening to the voice of the victim, you spend your days feeling powerless and hopeless.

Have you ever known someone who experienced a trauma and blames it for the depression they suffer as a result? Have you ever thought they should get over it or were seeking attention? This is a very simple example of your judge, and the person’s victim at work. Chances are, you have also been on the reverse of this in some way. We all judge. We have all been judged.

The soothing voice of compassion is what can quiet these two bickering children. We need to stop viewing ourselves as victims; broken, misunderstood, not loveable and not good enough. We need to stop judging ourselves and others. The judge and victim are siblings because remember, when we are judging others, it is because we see something in them that we don’t like in ourselves.

I have believed for a very long time that heaven may be comprised of many levels, and that we make our way up through those levels the more compassionate we become. To do so, we are reincarnated over and over until we experience everything: being male, female, animal, poor, wealthy, straight, homosexual, murdered, the murderer, raped, the rapist, and so on and so on. Only through these experiences can we be truly compassionate to all living beings on earth, never judge, and finally rest in peace in the highest level of heaven.

Whether that sounds crazy to you or not, we do know that empathy and compassion lead to patience and understanding. Rather than judging, we can seek out the best in one another, which somehow seems to bring out the best in ourselves.

And if finding the best in someone seems damn near impossible, we can shift our judgment to discernment. Judgment results in messes caused by blame and rejection. Discernment does not stem from emotion, but from clarity. So using the example of my mother, rather than judging her shortcomings and acting out in frustration and ultimately making her feel even more powerless and hopeless, I can try to quiet the voice of my judge and choose instead to remember that the voice of her victim is speaking. This would be an act of discernment and compassion. And maybe over time, the voice of her victim won’t speak so loudly, at least when she is speaking to me.