Weight loss is all about figuring out what works for you. Unfortunately, it often takes a long time to figure out what that is. In the meantime, we need to try out a whole lot of what doesn’t work. ‘Count calories’ is an extremely common piece of advice said to help us lose weight, along with ‘exercise more.’ Well, I did count calories. For years. And for years I saw zero results (in fact, I gained weight) and just kept on counting anyway. Finally, I realized it just wasn’t working for me. Here are 7 reasons why I stopped counting calories.

1. I stopped looking at food as FOOD, and only as calories.

Food is fuel, but when you become obsessed with calories you lose sight of what fuels you. Instead, you often focus on what you can have for X amount of calories, regardless of whether it’s nutritious or not. I have consumed countless “diet” and “100-calorie” snacks laden with chemicals and ingredients I can’t pronounce all in the name of quantity. “But I can have seventeen of these!” Sound familiar?

Sure, you can have sugar-free “chocolate” or seventeen paper thin mini “Oreos,” but what you don’t get is any nutrition. I was left hungry and unsatisfied constantly (and often returned for more in search of satiation, which resulted in increased calorie intake.) Now I know I could have just had an apple and a tablespoon of peanut butter or heaven forbid, some actual real dark chocolate and been done with it. More calories, sometimes, but also long lasting fiber, protein, and vitamins. Best of all, the wonderful feeling of knowing I gave myself something nutritious and didn’t need to keep rummaging for sustenance.

I’ve since adopted Michael Pollan’s philosophy on food. “Eat real food. Mostly vegetables. Not too much.”

2. Calorie counting made me obsessive.

I am a stickler for accuracy, which became an obsession when counting calories. I weighed and measured all my food, adding and subtracting chips and dry pasta until I had the perfect one or two ounces allowed. When I didn’t know precise measurements I agonized over my estimates. My husband mistakenly taking my perfectly portioned lunch and leaving me his was enough to make me cry with fear and uncertainty. I became inflexible and rigid and loss of total control over my food made me nervous.

3. Calorie counting is an enormous time suck.

Food-shopping, cooking and eating all took longer. The comparing, the weighing, the measuring, the counting, the adding, dictating nutrition facts and entering them into the app I used… it had become such a chore! Many times I ate the same things or bought the same brands, even if a comparable one was on sale, for the sole reason that I didn’t feel like entering new information into the app. Which leads me to my next point…

4. Calorie counting made me hesitant to try new things.

After so many years of calorie counting I know roughly how many calories are in most anything. But when faced with something new that wasn’t accompanied by a package or had a lot of components, I was hesitant to try it because I couldn’t account accurately for the calories. I hated not knowing and didn’t trust guessing. Even if it did come with a package, sometimes I still avoided things if I wasn’t in the mood to list all the nutrition facts into the app. Better to stick with what I was certain about. For someone who loves trying new things as much as I do, this was a huge deterrent.

5. I wanted to minimize my obligations.

If something you do to HELP yourself becomes a stressful burden that you dread, then it’s time to rethink it.

6. I learned enough to get by without counting calories.

This is where I will say that I am grateful for some of the time I spent counting calories. Counting calories taught me portion sizes and how many calories are in most foods, as well as how to calculate calories of most things in my head. But if you’re reading this, then you most likely know these things by now, too. Cutting the chord isn’t easy. But if counting calories has you obsessing or stressed out, and you know the basics, then try striking it out on your own. Chances are, like me, you know what and how much you should be eating.

7. I want to live my life fully, freely and BALANCED.

I don’t have the time, energy or desire to obsess and worry over every single thing I put in my mouth. What I want is to achieve balance. My friend, Amanda, said something to me last week that makes me believe I’m getting there. I had lost my first ten pounds for the year and she said, “And you’re doing it right. Don’t forget you went out for restaurant week and had fried chicken!”

Yes, I most certainly did! I also had several drinks, two huge biscuits that accompanied the chicken, and some of my dessert (I would have eaten all of it if I wasn’t so full.) I don’t want weight loss to mean I can never go out for restaurant week again, or drink with my friends, or have dessert. It is possible to find balance. I have witnessed it, not only in my first ten pounds, but in others.

I have been inspired for years by a random woman I saw leaving the gourmet Italian deli and bakery next to my office. She was in her running clothes, all sweaty, and she had a huge hot drink and a cinnamon roll the size of her head! I thought to myself, “That! That is what I want!” Not necessarily the cinnamon roll (although it looked phenomenal) but the BALANCE. Here was a fit woman who clearly just went running and then got herself what she wanted.

I don’t believe I can achieve balance while counting every calorie. Some people can, and I say good for them! But it’s not for me.

I have felt liberated since I stopped counting calories at the start of 2016. I still remember saying to my coach, “I don’t want to do this anymore. Is that okay?” I was worried she’d say I had to keep doing it, but it was just so clear it wasn’t working for me. She agreed and gave me the permission I was looking for.

I got my time back, became more relaxed with food, and saved myself $9.00/month from canceling the subscription to the app I used. Once again, I made new recipes, tried new things, and enjoyed my renewed food freedom.

I also found that everything I learned had stuck. I didn’t all of a sudden forget how to check nutrition facts or serving sizes or how many calories are in a banana. And I still sometimes weigh out an ounce of tortilla chips with my chili or 2 ounces of pasta for my lunch, just to keep from accidentally over-eating. And I actually do write down everything I eat in my planner every day – just little notes to jog my memory and help me keep track of things. I don’t include specific details like quantity or portion sizes. Just enough information to help me figure out what works, what doesn’t, and how certain foods make me feel.

That’s what works for me. Calorie counting didn’t. Remember, it’s all about what works for YOU.

Every women has at one time or another experienced her menstrual cycle. Month after month for the great majority of our lives we experience hormonal fluctuations which cause changes in our bodies and shifts in our moods, sometimes drastic. Despite the fact that every woman has experienced this fact of life, our culture barely acknowledges it. I have realized that as a result, even though we all experience our periods, many of us don’t have a good understanding of our menstrual cycles. I certainly didn’t. But let me tell you that once I learned, everything changed.

We live in a male-led society with zero sympathy for what women deal with as a result of their cycles. Furthermore, there is a booming business centered around minimizing the significance of our natural cycles; discreetly sized sanitation products and pills to treat our symptoms just to name a couple. Like most women I know, I dealt with what I considered a monthly inconvenience to the best of my ability, and kept the matter to myself. But on this journey of self-understanding I was led to a better understanding of the menstrual cycle, and then my own personal natural rhythm. As a result, I have learned so much about myself and things I always thought were beyond my control, like fatigue, cravings and moodiness.

It turns out that with the right knowledge our menstrual cycles cease to be so much of a nuisance. Instead, they become a resource; predictable monthly calendars with a wealth of knowledge we can use to our advantage. We just need to learn how to read them and where we fall on any given day within our cycles.

The Wave

Ironic that a man would express a women’s monthly rhythm in a way I identify with most. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (which I highly recommend), explains that women are like waves. We gain momentum and build ourselves up and experience high energy and then, at the end of our cycle, we crash. And then the cycle begins again, slowly building back up again until inevitably crashing again over and over… just like the waves in the ocean.

Sometimes, depending on a myriad of factors hormonal, emotional, external and the like, seas are calmer and the waves don’t grow as large or break as hard. Yet other times, our waves grow enormous and crash devastatingly hard.

Since January 2 my wave had been building with incredible force and energy. I rode my monster wave for weeks until CRASH! Without notice, the crest caved and all that energy collapsed. It was January 22. I barely left my couch. It is now January 27 and I am still held under whitewater, coming up for air as often as I can to go to work, exercise, and do chores, before resorting back to my bed or the couch for a nap. Additionally, my food cravings are incredibly intense.

The Whitewater

It took a day or two after I crashed to realize what was going on. Ahhhh, PMS, there you are. I should have begun preparing last week, but I kept forging ahead with full intensity, focused on other things. Is it any wonder I crashed so hard? Had I been more mindful of the calendar and my cycle, I would have begun to slow down, wrap up some projects, increase my calorie intake, and buy the appropriate food to nourish me yet satisfy my coming cravings.

I didn’t do those things. And so when I crashed, there was nothing to cushion me. But now that I know what’s going on, I know how to take care of myself. I know what my body needs during this phase of my cycle and how long it lasts. I know that I will start to bleed Saturday or Sunday and that I’ll turn inward for a day or two. I’ll need extra rest and won’t feel like being social. I also won’t feel terribly creative so best not to try to force it. This weekend is definitely not one for projects or parties. Luckily I have few plans and can get some rest and enjoy reading and Netflix. That’s what this time in my cycle calls for.

The Water Rises

By the middle of next week my energy and creativity will spike and so will begin my favorite nine days of my cycle where productivity becomes my middle name. This is the time to start new projects, tackle cleaning and get as much work done as possible. It’s a short lived time and I take advantage of it. I can because I am aware of its power and when it arrives. My mood is optimistic and friendly, so it’s also a good time for socializing.

The Southern Swell

After those nine days I will begin to ovulate. This is a time to give of myself and be nurturing to my friends and family. I may experience cravings and need to increase my calorie intake since my body will be exerting more energy. Many women also desire greater intimacy during this time.

The Crest and the Crash

After ovulation the wave begins its final turbulent surge as it rages toward the shore. This is a creative, yet emotional and sensitive time. Energy is waning and the dynamic becomes destructive and descends inward. The immune system lowers and near the end of this nine day phase our crest curls and crashes and we often experience cramping, bloating, fatigue, tender breasts, intense cravings, hostility and mood swings. This is a time to choose our interactions with people carefully and be sure to incorporate plenty of alone time.

Once you learn to track and understand your cycle, rather than forge on ahead as if everything is level, you can plan around these various phases. For example, this is a good time for the children to go to Grandma’s for the weekend so you can have some quiet, undisturbed time.

The crash is followed by blood time which lasts approximately five days. This is a time of quiet, comfort and reflection. Only do what is absolutely essential and avoid making any important decisions or stressful appointments. Oftentimes bleeding is accompanied by the continuation of cramps, migraines, and exhaustion. Rest. Dr. Christiane Northrup, women’s health expert, says that in a perfect world women would not leave their beds on their first day of bleeding.

Adapting

We are not afforded the luxury of staying home once a month or scheduling all of life around our cycles. But we can be more mindful and manage things within our control. You may not be able to schedule a board meeting when your wave is rising or surging, but you certainly can schedule dinner with your in-laws for that time. Plan parties, projects, decision making, your meal plan, physical activities, etc. accordingly around your cycle. If you’re going to Mexico for a week and will start to bleed, don’t plan to walk the Mayan ruins on that particular day.

Although it may seem that the expectation is for you to be energized and “on” every day, the truth is that that is not how we women were created. The native Americans believed that menstruation was a gift from the moon so that a few days every single month women were given a chance to rest. Embrace your cycle. Roll with your wave and experience it. Use it as the wonderful resource it can be to help guide you through these years of your life.

Suggested Reading

This post is only meant to be an introduction to the idea of understanding menstrual cycles to the point of using yours as a resource. I didn’t touch at all on what happens physically in the body during each phase, the fascinating cultural histories of women and their cycles, or tracking your cycle. If you’re interested in learning more and really getting a better understanding of your cycle, I highly suggest you read Moon Time by Lucy H. Pearce. This short book is wonderful and eye-opening. There is also a version written for young women, which I think is lovely! Buy it for your tween and teen daughters, nieces or sisters. Help them mature with an understanding that many of us lacked. That book is Reaching For The Moon by Lucy H. Pearce.

Additionally, let us women talk more about our cycles! During PMS and blood time, women crave sisterly communion. Let us aid one another to ease the shifting tides of our cycles and be a support to one another. Since every one of us experiences menstrual cycles, let’s not continue to experience them so alone.

And lastly, please be kind to yourself and your body. Nothing in nature blooms all the time.

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“What was your happiest moment this year?” That was the daily question for December 30 in Questions For Life. Even though I wrote the questions, I am experiencing them for the first time as I use the journal for myself. This question stumped me; it made me think. What was my happiest moment? Many memories flashed before my eyes and I recognized a spectrum of nuanced emotions. It took me some time to hone in on the answer. Once I did, I realized the question had a deeper meaning. And that’s when I discovered there was much to learn from our happiest moments…

Through my daily journaling practice throughout all of 2016, I paid close attention. The year isn’t a blur for me. And specific moments of happiness stand out amongst the countless joyful ones I am incredibly grateful to have experienced. Pinpointing my happiest moments was such a good exercise because in identifying and acknowledging our happiest moments I think we are more likely to strive to recreate them. Many people, sadly, don’t seem to know what makes them happy. We generally don’t give our happiest moments the credit they deserve. We allow them to be fleeting.

My Happiest Moments of 2016

1. Beach Days: Reflecting on the year, many of my happiest moments occurred at the beach. The sun, the water, my paddleboard, a good book, relaxation, friends, laughter… it’s a recipe for joy. Emotions are tricky because they are so nuanced. As I sat in my beach chair in shallow water at my favorite spot and looked up from an excellent book and felt the sun on my face and inhaled the scent of saltwater, was it happiness I felt? Or was it joy? Or peace? A combination of many different emotions, I think. My jaw hurt from laughing with special people, my shoulders were at ease with no presence of stress. Days like that are the good stuff. I felt happy…

2. Travel: Other happiness highlights are also peppered throughout my week vacation to Asheville, NC. Quality time with family made me very happy, as did seeing new sights and being surrounded by mountains and fresh air. New experiences, however, made me feel exuberant. Standing in the middle of a forest in the pouring rain waiting my turn to slide down a natural waterfall. Later, swimming full force at the bottom of a waterfall in frigid crystal clear mountain water. Hiking. White water rafting… Travel thrills me! It makes me feel alive.

3. Conversation & Connection: Good conversation and human connection has the same effect on me as travel. There were some amazing moments this past year with people I cherish. How incredible to feel so happy just being given the opportunity to listen and to be heard, to love and be loved. It fills my heart. Without these connections, a large part of my joy would go missing.

4. Accomplishment: And finally, how I love my productive days and meeting goals! I may be confusing accomplishment with happiness here, but damn, I LOVE the way I feel after a good workout, work session or when slashing things off my to-do list. I crave it.

What My Happiest Moments Taught Me

Now that I took the time to reflect and identify what made me happiest in 2016, I know exactly what I need more of in my life in 2017. I need more:

1. Beach days
2. Travel
3. Conversation & Connection
4. Accomplishments

This is clearly the good stuff in my life that brings me the most joy. I’d be a fool not to seek more of it in my life. And that is what my happiest moments of 2016 taught me… they taught me what to go after.

So ask yourself: “What was your happiest moment this year?” Explore what makes you feel most joyous, most alive. And then, pursue it as if your life depended on it. After all, our life does depend on our happiness.

P.S. And if you want to be asked 364 more thought-provoking questions like this, then order your copy of Questions For Life: Two Year Guided Daily Journal For Intentional Living and begin your daily journaling practice.

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I stood before Kathy, frozen, as big fat tears welled in my eyes. She asked me the tough questions in her gentle, loving and non-judgemental way. I was “emoting,” as she says. All the complex emotions I often contain were intensified and spilling out of me.

“I’m stuck,” I choked.

“Okay,” she said. “Then let’s just sit with what you’re feeling.”

“I can do that?” I asked, seeking reassurance and permission to not take action; to not do anything. To stay stuck, where it was sorrowful but safe.

“Yes. Sometimes we need to simply lean into the uncomfortable.”

Kathy and I had this conversation two weeks ago. After having become a bit stagnant, the Universe saw fit to give me a good shake. It got my attention.

The New Moon was the very next day. Each new moon I write down a set of intentions for the cycle. Among those intentions I scribbled: Lean into the uncomfortable. 

Leaning

There’s something about the word ‘lean’ that is safe. In yoga we are constantly leaning into the uncomfortable, knowing full well we can pull back when the discomfort becomes too great. It is a way of challenging ourselves, yet listening to our bodies. Until Kathy suggested I lean into my emotional discomfort, I didn’t connect the two. I am often frozen in place, terrified to step into the unknown, the uncertain. I despise the discomfort. It has been my way to run from it, numb it, or viciously attack it. Like so many others, I, too have numbed my discomfort with drugs, alcohol, sex and food. I have hid from it with sleep. I have attacked it by making others feel as uncomfortable as I did.

But now, equipped with new vocabulary I intended to begin to “lean” ever so gently into that which makes me feel uncomfortable. I started small, experiencing my hunger and sitting with it, rather than rushing to satiate it. Every time I felt uncomfortable for whatever reason, I reminded myself to lean into it. I was like a child dipping a toe into water to test the temperature.

This was a start.

Earlier this week, I suffered tremendous emotional discomfort. From the moment I woke up until the moment I fell asleep I felt it. My first instinct was to call out of work, drink Nyquil and sleep the day away. In times of discomfort we so often resort back to our old patterns of behavior. But after all this work I was able to identify it as that; a pattern. So instead I said to myself, “This is uncomfortable. But we’re gonna lean into it. We’re gonna show up for life anyway.”

And so I went to work.

Throughout the day my thoughts waged war on themselves. In a desperate attempt to quiet them, I focused on my work. I knew the night would be torturous without a distraction and I couldn’t allow it to be food. So in an act of Herculean emotional effort, I signed up for a yoga class after work and promised myself I’d go. During yoga, I continued to ease into the uncomfortable, pushing my body deeper into poses, combating the thoughts that wrestled around in my mind. One of the thoughts was fear over what I would do after yoga…

I know this may seem vague, since I haven’t gone into why I was so upset. But the truth is that it’s irrelevant. If it’s not one struggle, it’s another. Life is full of them. And I need to learn how to lean into them without resorting to destructive and avoidance behaviors.

After yoga, my urge was to crawl into bed. The leaning I was doing was far from restful, and I was exhausted. But instead, I had a good cry in an effort to release some of what I was feeling – another way of experiencing my discomfort. Afterward, I took a hot shower since I knew it would do me good. I dressed comfortably and put on thick, warm socks, a healthy way of easing some discomfort. And since I have learned that life doesn’t stop when we have a hard day (as much as we wish it would), I started making the turkey chili for my work holiday pot luck.

For me, skipping the occasional meal is not an act of destruction, but one of self-care. So I did not eat dinner. I feared that once food entered my mouth, I’d ramsack my kitchen hunting for more like a shark on the scent of blood. I couldn’t risk doing this in an effort to numb my discomfort. And so I allowed myself to feel it. And in order to feel it, I couldn’t eat.

At last, I could go to sleep. I leaned into my discomfort for an entire day without resorting to old patterns of destructive behavior. As upset and exhausted as I was, I couldn’t help feeling an inkling of pride. I had dipped my toe into unfamiliar waters, and survived to tell the tale.

Unfortunately, the discomfort has not passed since. It has shifted. Once again this morning I debated calling out of work. And once again I made the decision to show up for life, fearful that staying home would enable me to wallow in my discomfort and exacerbate a lingering anxiety. I am proud of my choice and grateful for my decision.

It wasn’t until I wrote this post that I’ve realized how much most people lean into the uncomfortable on a daily basis. It amazes me, since my pattern has always been to give in or numb. Every day people with broken hearts, sadness, anger, and tremendous worries get up and show up and continue on with their lives despite their tremendous discomfort. I find it brave and I am in awe of their strength to do this.

I’m working on my leaning muscles so that I may be stronger and better at facing my problems and fears, rather than avoiding them. I will continue leaning into the uncomfortable. And when I’m ready, I will walk. But for now, it is enough simply to lean into the discomfort.

Ever since I started a daily journaling practice nearly two years ago I have felt significantly happier and more fulfilled. As a culture, we tend to live for the highlights of life and dwell on the lowlights. The mundane day to day blurs together in one long loop where we don’t recall what we wore or what we ate. But what if we could train our brains to reflect and find joy in every day, to live with more gratitude, and overall live with greater intention? Well, the truth is that we CAN by journaling. With only a few minutes of writing time a day, we can all feel more fulfilled, grateful and happier, which are only some of the benefits of a daily journaling practice. Following are the four components of my daily practice, which I included in the journal I created: Questions For Life: Two Year Daily Guided Journal for Intentional Living, available for sale now.

The Four Components of my Daily Practice:

Daily Reflection

I love the quote, “Don’t live the same year 75 times and call it a life.” That quote literally stopped me in my tracks the first time I read it. I vowed right then and there that I would not live the same year over and over for the rest of my life. So I purchased a 5-year journal with just enough space to jot down a few lines about each day; whatever I deemed significant or worthy of remembrance. Never once has there been nothing to write because life, thoughts, conversations, actions, news, weather, EVERYTHING happens every single day. Through the simple practice of writing down a few lines about each day, I was comforted within days. It was quite clear I was not living the same day over and over.

Now that I’m in my second year of that 5-year journal I love reflecting back on what I did that same day the year before. It’s been so lovely being reminded of things I’ve forgotten that maybe weren’t so significant. Additionally, I love reflecting on progress and changes I’ve made. Just the other day I read for 2015: Had my first “freak out” in a long time. It’s the f***ing cigarettes. I CAN’T smoke even once in a while!

How amazing to be able to follow that up the same day the following year with: I’m 113 days cigarette-free!

This is what I love about comparative journals, which is specifically why Questions For Life is to be used for two years.

Gratitude

Numerous studies show that a daily gratitude practice directly correlates to increased happiness. The rationale is simple: when you express gratitude, you focus on the positive aspects of your life and what you do have, rather than the negative aspects and what you don’t have. I express gratitude every single day. It’s become a habit. Even when I’m angry or annoyed, gratitude has become such a part of my life that I can often stop and change my mindset. For example, is work pissing you off? Well, be grateful you have a job. It can always be worse.

There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for, even if it’s fresh water or access to food. Even if you are having the worst day of your life, you can still be grateful to be alive.

Happiest Moments

Another practice of mine is to write down my single happiest moment from every day. This is not so easy on bad days, believe me. But how incredible when you witness with your own eyes that every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day. Even when I had pneumonia last month I was able to identify my happiest moments (mostly along the lines of wishing something good was on television and seeing that one of my favorite movies just started – that kind of joy.) Not everything is off the charts amazing, but there is joy in every day, even if it’s seeing a puppy on the street, finding a $5.00 bill, or laughing at a good joke.

Think of how much more fulfilling life can be if we paid more attention to the simple joys in life. This practice trains you to notice and acknowledge those happy moments.

Self-Discovery Questions

Another journal I purchased some time ago was a 5-year question a day journal where I answered a different question every day and compared my answers year to year. The questions in this particular journal were random. Some were wonderful and some were just silly, but I enjoyed the concept and found it beneficial. So when I created Questions For Life, I wrote 366 questions focused around goal setting, creativity, relationships, awareness, reflection, and other topics along those lines. Answering questions about our lives, actions, dreams, etc. makes us more self-aware and conscious of the kind of life we want to be living, and whether or not we’re taking the steps to achieve it.

Answering the questions also makes us more accountable. For example, “Did you make good use of your time today?” is a simple question you will find in Questions For Life that can quickly help you realize how you’re not living to your full potential, and where adjustments can be made. Some other questions include: “How can you be a better son/daughter?”; “What risk would you take if you knew you couldn’t fail?”; “Is your life complicated by unnecessary things?”; “Who could you pay more attention to?”; and “Have you ever invested in yourself financially?”

These are only four of the countless ways to approach a daily journaling practice. However, I found that these four components have had a tremendously positive effect on my life and outlook. I also found that keeping a journal with these components is easy and realistic since it doesn’t require a lot of time. Additionally, these components ultimately to help slow life down and break our habit of living highlight to highlight. This results in a fuller, and more fulfilling, life.

You can win a copy of Questions For Life!

Although you don’t need a copy of Questions For Life to begin your practice, it certainly is easier to have a beautifully designed journal complete with monthly motivational quotes ready to go. I am so certain you’ll love it that I am giving away three free copies!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

So please, enter for a chance to win and start your own daily journaling practice!

If, like me, you are feeling profoundly disappointed over the results of our election, please know that you are not alone. It is natural in the wake of this tragedy to feel afraid, angry, confused, and deeply saddened. But these are the negative emotions that allowed such a result to occur in the first place. It is our job now to find peace in the aftermath of what has been a deeply dividing, hostile and hideous race for the presidency. All I can do is share with you what I plan to do to find peace after the election, and hope that you will join me in choosing positive emotions over negative ones. These are the six things I intend to try in order to begin to heal from this madness.

1. Unplug from social media.

The news crushed me in the early hours of this morning. It felt as if a sinkhole opened in my chest and had been filled with concrete. I scrolled through my Facebook feed and the weight of everyone’s disappointment felt like sandbags piled on top. A gloating post felt like a knife in my side, and made me think more judgemental thoughts. Aware of what was happening inside of me, I logged off. It is my intention to avoid all social media until things settle down and most of all, until my feelings settle down.

We don’t need to read our feeds to know what is going on. Here’s a spoiler alert: many people are profoundly hurt and angry, and many people are gloating. Take my word for it and avoid it.

2. Practice metta meditation/send loving kindness into the world

Many of the people who allowed Trump to win this election did so because they are afraid and angry and have been feeling threatened. They acted out of fear. The people who fought to prevent this atrocity are now feeling just as afraid, angry and threatened. That is A LOT of pain and suffering. Our country is crying today. I will be practicing metta meditation and sending loving kindness out into the universe to my loved ones, but also to my enemies, so that love may enter their hearts and guide their actions.

3. Be the voice of kindness and compassion

Never before have I felt so much lesser for the simple fact that I am a woman. I have tried to imagine what it might feel like today to not only be black, not only to be a black woman, but to be a black homosexual woman. I can’t imagine. I have tried to imagine what it might feel like to have been assaulted by Trump and to have come forward and for my assaulter to be elected the most powerful job in America anyway. I can’t. I have tried to imagine what it might feel like to be a Muslim and to fear for my family’s safety. I can’t.

What I can do is be kind and demonstrate through my actions that I support woman, the LGBT community, and that I do not live in fear of Muslims or anyone that appears to be of Middle Eastern descent. I can demonstrate that my ideals do not align with those who have elected this bigoted, racist, sexist man to the Presidency.

4. Try to forgive

On Thanksgiving day I will be at a table surrounded by people who voted for Trump. This thought makes me lose my appetite. I cannot make excuses for my friends and family members. In this election, it means something if you supported this man. But I refuse to disown friends and family members over this like I have seen some people say on Facebook.

I cannot justify the behaviors or actions of people who aligned with this man, but I can remind myself of their ignorance and fears. I can attempt to convince myself that they simply did not know any better and/or acted from fear, not intelligence. That doesn’t necessarily make it any easier, and it is our responsibility to be informed citizens, but the simple truth is that some people have deep rooted resentments and fears, some that they inherited from their parents, and are incapable of seeing around it. I cannot control what they do, but I can control what I do. And I will practice compassion and attempt to understand.

5. Remember that laws won’t change overnight

Yes, things are uncertain and scary. But the simple reality is that Trump can’t single handedly reverse laws overnight. We won’t wake up in January and learn that marriage equality has been reversed, that abortion is now illegal in all 50 states, and that Muslims are being rounded up and put in prison. Have faith in democracy, the process, and our other elected officials.

6. Focus on the positive and what we can control

Life is going to go on. We can dwell and allow our anger and disappointment to consume us, or we can make the best of a shitty situation. I can control my response and so I am choosing to practice these six things, and focus on my journey to lose weight, live a happier and more peaceful life, and work toward my goals. Trump can’t take that away from me. People who voted for him can’t take that away from me. Only I can take that away from me by allowing negative emotions to distract me. I choose not to allow that.

Writing this post was a difficult decision because I am risking alienating or offending some of my readers. I hope you’ll understand why I chose to write this anyway, like I am choosing to attempt to understand why some people voted for Trump. This journey is one to wellness and compassion. Many of us are wounded today. I felt a personal responsibility to face this fact and to share tools for how to find peace after the election. There is a lot of hurt out there in the world today. And if I can make one single person hurt a little less, then I have succeeeded. THAT is why I chose to write this post today.

It is my deep hope that we can all move on from this and heal our wounds. We can achieve that through practicing kindness and compassion, the only cure for for our gravely ill world. If this post resonated with you at all, I ask that you PLEASE share it far and wide, so that others may be comforted by it. We all need some peace today.

I send my love to you ALL.

Today is a special day! Today marks the day that I have finally achieved something – something I have attempted and failed to accomplish countless times. Something that no matter how hard or how many times I tried, evaded me. But I never gave up! No, no I did not. And it is because of that practice and perseverance that today I am celebrating my 100th day cigarette-free. And it is glorious. I feel liberated and proud and I am giving myself credit and celebrating my achievement. That’s because our achievements and milestones are worth honoring.

No one, I repeat NO ONE, gets to decide what’s a big deal in our own lives except US. Many people may think that 100 days cigarette-free is no big feat. But I know it is! Because I know how hard this has been for me. I celebrate lots of things that most people probably don’t even think about, like going an entire work day without touching the potato chips on the kitchen table. Maybe it’s no big deal for most, but for me, that’s an eight hour endurance match against a tougher opponent. And you better believe that when I win, I give myself credit. Because I know how hard it was and I don’t invalidate things that hard for me, just because they may be easy for most people.

Quitting smoking has been really hard for me. 100 days is a new record for me and so I am celebrating. I will not diminish my achievement or hold off celebrating until I go a year. That’s because giving credit provides positive reinforcement and makes me feel good about my progress. It makes me want to keep going. It’s like, “Yeah, I got this!” The bigger deal I make of my success, the less likely I am to falter.

What are some of the struggles in your day to day life? What makes you feel like you kicked some ass? How can you celebrate those achievements?

I know I feel like a rock star when I get to my 5:45 AM yoga class, and when I don’t eat anything else for the rest of the night after dinner. Both things are pretty damn hard, so when I do them, I feel good! I give myself credit. I don’t talk down to myself anymore or make sarcastic comments like, “Took ya long enough!” or “Wow, great job doing what you should have been doing all along anyway.” Instead I say, “Nice job, Girl!”

I celebrate victories constantly. I give myself credit! A LOT! And you should too! Because we deserve credit and recognition from ourselves. It’s another way we can be a good, supportive friend to ourselves.

So in honor of my 100th day cigarette-free I took the above photo and am shouting from the proverbial mountain top that I AM 100 DAYS CIGARETTE-FREE!! I also bought myself four more succulents. The last time I bought them was in honor of my 100th blog post because that was a pretty cool thing worth honoring too. I like the symbolism of having a living, breathing thing to grow with me.

I’m proud of myself today. And I think I’m going to keep up the great work! (Pats self on back.)

I’ve been ill for seven days now. For the majority of the time I’ve been too sick to do anything but sleep or stare into space. The days have blurred together with only different patterned pajama pants and tissue boxes adding any variety. As my body attempts to heal and I try to aid it, I can’t help but wonder… I’ve been healthier than ever, so why am I so sick? As my physical illness subsides, a tremendous sadness has taken its place. I struggle to understand what’s happening to me and my body. There seems several explanations, one being that perhaps I have entered the Dark Night of The Soul.  

Illness Without Warning

Over the course of this wellness journey I’ve learned to take better care of myself: physically, mentally and spiritually. I pay attention to my body, my emotions; I practice self-care. I’ve changed. I’ve grown.

But this time… there was no warning.

Seven days ago I woke up feeling exhausted and weighed down, like my bones had been coated in adamantium steel. I slept for two days, too sick and exhausted to read or even watch television. I felt like roadkill. Then came a sore throat so excruciating it brought me to tears. I went to the doctor. She said I had a virus and gave me a steroid. By nighttime, the sore throat had let up and been replaced with a violent cough. The cough settled deeply into my lungs, and sent alien looking sputum through my mouth and nose for days. I left my home only twice during this period. The second time was for urgent care when the force of my cough ruptured a capillary in my throat and I vomited blood. That’s how I learned I had a bronchial infection/pre-pneumonia.

I still have limited use of my voice and an obscene amount of mucus and a cough that sounds similar to that of a pack a day smoker in their seventies. So I find it a little ironic that exactly one week from today I will achieve 100 days cigarette free. This will be the longest I have ever gone without smoking since I started in my teens. And yet, I’m the sickest I have ever been.

Illness Inquiry

I understand why we get sick. Germs, pathogens… I know how it works. It’s virus season and something has been going around. It is absolutely possible that I simply picked something up. And yet, I just can’t believe it’s that simple. All these efforts to be healthier, and yet I’ve been so sick… why? That is the question that gnaws at my brain. After a life of ignoring my body to devastating effects, I have learned to listen. What didn’t I hear? What is happening inside of my body?

I wondered if perhaps my lungs are detoxing… shedding. Maybe on the cusp of 100 days cigarette free my body is saying, “I believe you this time. I trust you. I will begin to let go of the fifteen plus years of abuse you have done to me.”

The symbolism and timing made sense to me. Then I realized that I’ve been shedding for a long time. Bad habits, self-destructive behaviors, unnecessary stress, negative self-talk, toxic relationships… I figured maybe my body decided to literally shed itself too.

Then yesterday, sadness overcame me.

Entering the Dark Night of The Soul

It’s been a painful and lonely week. Last night my heart broke open in self-pity and I cried a river of tears from a broken dam of my own expectations and ego. I realized how completely not special I am and felt utterly alone. It was a pity party unlike no other, and I gave in to the release. Six days of the worst sickness of your life without so much as a hug can do that to you, I suppose.

After my cry and an honest chat with a friend, I felt better. I acknowledged that my suffering was caused by my own expectations of others and that is on me, not anyone else. Also, I realized that in replaying the week I was living in the past and not the present. The sickness had clearly heightened my emotions. Being off my routine and away from most human contact for an entire week had taken its toll on me. I cushioned myself after that and laid in bed.

But today the sadness continued and I remained curious. Thankfully, the Universe provided a possible explanation… and I just love that it’s part of the hero’s journey.

“The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed.” -Joseph Campbell

Can this be a new path in my journey? I read more about the spiritual Dark Night of The Soul. It’s a process that occurs after a seeker has gained a lot of spiritual knowledge or growth when the ego attempts to strengthen its grip on us to prevent us from going further to the light.

Last night my ego was the loudest mouth at my pity party. Even while thinking the selfish, immature, egotistical thoughts I was thinking, I couldn’t help but realize how unenlightened I sounded. Last night, my ego threw a temper tantrum.

“Even though this is a very beautiful and sacred process, it can be perceived at the time as very difficult.  Especially when you are in the thick of the fog.  This is why it is called the dark night of the soul. You feel as if you are stuck in the dark with no hope of seeing the light again.  You already feel totally alone due to this process, and on top of that it is not talked about often. This is because a lot of us look for the light only and try to run away from the dark, not realizing that the dark will only grow larger the more you ignore it.” – in5d

Apparently, many people think they have done something wrong when the symptoms of the Dark Night appear, especially if they just went through so much perceived spiritual growth. I see myself in that. I said earlier that I am the healthiest I have ever been, so why now? What did I do wrong?

“When you find yourself in the Dark Night, show gratitude because you are going through a sort of rites of passage or a spiritual detox.  The pain you feel is the pain you have tried to suppress for years, decades, and even lifetimes.  It is now finally bubbling up to the surface to be healed with the love you give it.  Even though it seems painful to face this pain, you should feel honored that this pain is finally flowing out of you.  We don’t even realize the heavy baggage that we have held onto for so long.”

This all makes sense to me, and I believe that my illness may have to do with this spiritual detox. I am on the verge of the next step –I can feel it! This time of illness and inquiry helped me to understand what’s been happening. I believe I am entering a new phase, a phase of spiritual depression, and I must use this time to detach my emotions from the stories they have claimed, and cultivate love.

“The reason why we find ourselves in a Dark Night is because we are learning trust, acceptance, love, and surrender.  This is our true nature, and the ego knows this and puts up a fight.  A very strong fight!   The ego is unwilling to give up its control and fearfulness and this is perfectly normal because this is ego’s nature.  When you see it as ego’s nature and not your nature and that it is inevitable, it gives you the power to ALLOW.”

I have only begun to scratch the surface on the Dark Night of the Soul, what it means and what is to be done about it. And that’s enough for me for now. My inquiry has yielded answers that make sense to me. In the meantime, I will practice self-love. I will cushion myself, stay mindful of my ego and the false stories it tells, and practice self-care as I continue to heal from this sickness.

Things happen for a reason. I couldn’t accept this was simply a virus. I have come to know myself far too well for that. If entering into the Dark Night of the Soul, or some form of it, means moving forward, then so be it. I will enter this time of darkness, and face my lingering demons with love.

After all, on this journey, I’m my own hero.

Many of us, for all sorts of reasons, have trouble saying no to people. We have become a culture of yes people. We aim to please, agree with the best intentions, but often inadvertently take on more than we can handle as a result of our desire to never disappoint. Eventually, we become resentful and stressed. Perhaps worse, is that we often end up putting our needs second in order to accommodate others. But I’m here to remind you that it is absolutely okay to say “no.” Keep reading to learn how to say no to people without apology or explanation.

The truth is we love to help people and say yes to them! It makes us feel special when we’re asked for help or to get together. We have a knee jerk reaction to say, “absolutely!” But how many times have you later regretted something you agreed to in the moment? Even if it was with the best intentions? I’m willing to bet it’s been loads of times…

We need to put the momentary high of being wanted aside, and take time to consider what we’re being asked. There is no need to respond immediately. Anyone who doesn’t respect your need to think about requests doesn’t respect you or your time. And that’s not someone you need to be bending over backwards for.

Weird Al Yankovic (of all people) has a saying in his home: “The day will come.” He and his wife say it when weighing whether or not to agree to things and that’s because he acknowledges that everything sounds pretty great at the time when the commitment is still in the future. But the day will come eventually, and he acknowledges that considerations need to be made.

What To Consider

So, think requests through carefully. Ask yourself:

• What’s the time commitment?
• Do I have all the necessary information to make an informed decision?
• Will agreeing in any way be a detriment to me or my family or other commitments I’ve already made?
  • Just because you have one free night doesn’t mean that night is better spent filled. Sometimes we really need a quiet night on the couch.
• Might agreeing cause me stress later?
• Am I free?
  • Check your calendar. Don’t forget to check the day before and the day after! Maybe you need time to recover from or prep for something else, even though you’re technically free.
• Is travel time involved?
• Can I afford to go out?
  • I’m often tapped out by the end of the pay cycle and have had to cancel dinner plans because I couldn’t afford it.

Taking the time to make these considerations prevents a lot of potential stress later when/if you need to cancel or rescind your agreement. Even worse is when you find yourself with no way out and end up with the stress of fitting something in that there just isn’t any room for.

So what if providing the help or making the plans just isn’t beneficial or possible? Well, then you need to say no.

How To Say No to People

We are terrified of anyone being disappointed in or by us. Therefore, whenever we feel we’re running that risk, we tend to do all we can to prevent it. I believe this is why people have such a hard time saying no without apologizing, over-explaining or even straight up lying.

No Apologies

Apologizing typically suggests wrongdoing. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being able to accommodate someone. You didn’t do anything wrong and you didn’t let someone down (if someone does feel let down, I PROMISE that has nothing to do with you and only to do with their own attachments/expectations). Since you didn’t do anything wrong, there is no need to apologize.

I know apologizing is a nice way of letting someone down gently or expressing regret and if you’re using it that way, then go for it! What I’m saying is not to lay on the apologies so thick that you could win an Emmy. There is also no need to “promise to make it up to you!”

Just decline. It’s fine. Everyone is fine. And if they’re not, again THAT HAS ONLY TO DO WITH THE PERSON ASKING, not the person declining. (If this sounds familiar, you may want to check out these 11 Quotes to Remember When Faced with Toxic People.)

No Explanations

You don’t need to explain why you can’t do something. I repeat, YOU DO NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN. I know people who do this and it’s awkward for everyone involved and usually ends up with someone’s foot in their mouth. You don’t need to justify or explain why you can’t or don’t want to do something. It’s none of anyone’s business why you came to that decision or what you have going on.

No Lying

I am not a fan of lying. I like to believe that anyone in my life can handle the simple truth that I don’t like concerts or have something else to do. But I know that people feel like they need solid excuses (see above, no explanations) when declining invitations so they tell lies like “I’d love to, but it’s my grandmother’s birthday.” Or “I’d love to, but my Aunt from Oklahoma is coming to visit.” These lies often involve family because people know they can’t mess with family obligations. But it’s just silly to lie, and runs its own risks.

Then What do You Say?

So if you don’t apologize, explain or lie, then what’s left? Surely, you don’t just want to give a curt “no” and walk away. Thanks to my friend, Amy, I have a solution.

Just say “I have a commitment.”

It’s brief, vague, honest, non-explanatory, non-apologetic, and to the point. You may be wondering, “But what if I don’t have a commitment, and I just don’t want to go?” Then you have a commitment to honoring yourself and not doing something you don’t want to do. How beautiful is that?

In a culture where we tend to put ourselves second (or third or fourth), glorify busy, and spread ourselves too thin, just remember that you will only ever be able to do as well as you feel. If you live and breathe for others and run yourself ragged, and are stressed and negative, believe me, everyone rather you stay home and take a nap. No one wants to feel like a burden. It is the story in our head that people want us to say yes to everything at whatever cost. The people who care for us don’t want that. We often forget that simple fact. After all, do you want your best friend up until midnight baking brownies for your party and then driving two hours with a headache just because when she agreed she forgot that she had a work dinner and could not possibly foresee that she wouldn’t feel well?

Of course not! Then why do we tend to forget that when it’s us making the brownies and driving with the migraine? Be honest with yourself and others.

It’s okay to put yourself first. And it is absolutely okay to say no to people.

Elizabeth Gilbert recently reminded her readers of the healing powers of water in her post, Go To The Water. “When an animal in the wild has been injured, it has only two strategies for how to heal itself: it can rest, or it can go to the water.” I have always respected and utilized the ocean for its magical restorative powers. I have been in a funk lately. Although I craved a trip to the beach, I passed on all my opportunities to go. Gilbert’s post came at a perfect time. It reminded me that the ocean was precisely what I needed. And so I went to the water.

Throughout my life I have enjoyed a special kinship with the ocean. The beach is my favorite playground, where you can still find me splashing in tide pools and excitedly digging for shells. I have gone to the beach in the middle of the night and in the middle of winter, whenever I needed to see my friend and find peace in her majestic and powerful company. Water was precisely what I needed to restore my mood, motivation and to find inspiration.

And so I started my day with water. I drank water with lemon first thing. Then I meditated to the sound of crashing waves. Throughout the day I drank tea and plenty more water. I had ingested the water, and now it was time to go to the water. The beach was beautiful and nearly empty in early evening, especially after Labor Day. I raced across the sand and threw my things down, stripped off my shirt, and jogged into the ocean’s welcoming embrace.

The transformation was instant, as if the water had purified me of the lingering negativity that had plagued me as of late. I swam and laughed and floated, submerged in the water. Afterward, I took a long walk in the shallows and enjoyed the waves as they lapped against my feet. I had no more cares. The water had washed them all away.

Gilbert recalled a quote from Isak Dinesan: “The cure for everything is salt water: tears, sweat, or the sea.” Isn’t it the truth?

First thing this morning I jogged, completing my 24 hours enjoying the healing powers of water. I had drank the water, I had felt the water, I had listened to the water, and lastly, I sweated the water.

I believe in water. And I am now healed.

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