Throughout the year, life encapsulates me like a caterpillar. But by the start of a new one I am ready to emerge a reborn butterfly. For weeks I’ve been preparing and gaining momentum for the start of a brand new year. The canvas I’ve spent twelve months marking up is removed and a pristine one is placed before me. At last I get to apply all the lessons and skills I’ve acquired with fresh brushes, and attempt to paint my life once more. But before I can set paint to canvas, I had to spend time picturing the life I will create…

My 2018 Vision

When I closed my eyes and envisioned my life this coming year, I experienced the liberating sensation of significantly reduced debt and simpler living. I saw and felt a healthier version of my body; thinner, with more energy. I saw this improved body in yoga classes sweating beside a roaring winter fire and holding advanced poses as I concentrated on snow falling lazily through the windows. I envisioned myself writing the words “The End” as I finally completed the first draft of my novel. I saw myself preparing and cooking healthy meals, chatting with my husband, in a version of our kitchen where the renovations were finally complete. Lastly and most significantly of all, I saw the big waves of the North Shore of Oahu. Waves I literally dream of. Waves I have been dreaming of since I was eleven years old. I see them in my vision of 2018.

And now it is time to make these visions my 2018 reality.

My 2018 Goals

1. Significantly reduce consumer debt

It’s only natural my minimalist journey would lead me to this point. I had heard of author and finance expert Dave Ramsey before and have even messed around with his system. But it was all premature. I read his book, The Total Money Makeover cover to cover on December 26 and created our “everydollar” budget. I soon realized the only way for this to work was for me and Mike to operate as a team dedicated to a common goal. I spent time going through the system and budget with Mike. For the first time in our marriage I finally let go of my fears and the voices of the scorned woman in my head and we agreed to pool our money and attack our debt and finances as a team. It’s been a very exciting week of big changes.

I have a strong feeling “Finances” will become a new category on this site in 2018, so stay tuned for lots more on this…

2. Lose weight

It wouldn’t be a list of goals of mine without this one on it, right? But I think we all know “lose weight” by itself isn’t nearly S.M.A.R.T. enough. So I’ve made a big decision regarding how this goal is going to look. I don’t recall a time in my life when I wasn’t trying to “lose weight.” I am burnt out and tired of trying to lose weight. I lost 40 pounds in 2017 and it was a horrible experience. Is it any surprise I gained almost all of that weight back? It’s time for something new.

Here’s the real goal and I’m putting it out there for the whole world to see: “Get under, and stay under 200 pounds.”

That’s it. That’s all I want. I’ve been over 200 pounds (with the exception of two months in 2017) since July, 2013. I hate this club and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. I’m going to get under 200 pounds and then for the first time in my memory I am going to take a break from trying to “lose weight” and work on staying under 200 pounds. I think this change in mindset will be great for me.

3. Complete the first draft of my novel

I made progress on my novel in 2017 and learned a great deal about how to achieve this incredibly challenging task. I am going to break this goal into monthly mini goals and tackle it one month at a time.

4. Establish a regular and consistent yoga practice

I love yoga. But it’s hard, especially after a long break. Yoga connects me with myself and helps me to appreciate my body; I need it for my well being and I miss it when I’m without it. I want yoga to be a natural part of my life again. It will take work and dedication to make it so. But I know it’s worth it, so I’m starting off easy again and will build myself and my body back up.

5. Finish three specific home projects

This includes completing the kitchen renovation. We started it a couple years ago, but never finished. I’m tired of having an incomplete and unfinished kitchen. Even with significantly reducing our debt I know we can make this happen since there isn’t much left besides new counter tops and back splash. There are two other smaller projects we’ve been putting off. One will only require a warm weekend and work.

(If you or someone you know sells or installs counters, please let me know!)

6. Go to Hawaii and see the big waves

This is the big one so allow me to back up. I’m not being figurative when I say I dream of big waves. I actually have recurring dreams of sitting on beaches and watching big waves. I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but it’s always seemed too much of a “Banzai Pipe” dream.

But things have changed…

First of all, there are people in my life, like my brother Doug who travel all over who have inspired me and made travel feel more accessible. (Just read my friend Sarah’s post on her favorite 2017 travel experiences and you’ll see what I mean.) Secondly, my friend Glenn died this month and I was reminded once more of just how short life really is. What am I waiting for, I asked myself. Thirdly, Airbnb. It’s a wonderful, affordable thing.

I was nervous to talk to Mike about this one, so I prefaced and built up to it. Long story short, he gave me his blessing and agreed to go. The plan (and we’re booking our Airbnb in January) is to be there for New Year’s 2018/2019 and hope with all our hearts the waves are up since it will be big wave season.

I can’t think of a more inspiring and rewarding carrot to have waiting for me at the end of 2018. I want to deserve it. I want to get on that plane in December 2018 having accomplished every one of these six goals, and finish my year doing something I have always dreamed of… sitting on the beach and watching the big waves roll in.

This is the picture I will create this year.

Now tell me, what picture are you going to create this year?

When traveling somewhere new, it’s important to leave the resort in order to say you’ve been there. I loved my time at Secrets Cap Cana in the Dominican Republic, but my desire to leave the comfort of the resort in order to see something unique was powerful. With limited money due to our unexpectedly extended vacation, and Mike’s desire to not be gone from the resort too long, we agreed on the Hoyo Azul (blue hole) cenote. A cenote is a natural pit, or sinkhole, resulting from the collapse of limestone bedrock that exposes groundwater underneath. The photos I had browsed online were of gorgeous turquoise clear water. But a friend warned me it was “crowded and cold.” Nevertheless, on the second to last day of our vacation, Mike and I ventured outside of our resort to Scape Park in order to visit Hoyo Azul and see for ourselves.

Scape Park

Scape Park Cap Cana is a natural theme park with several attractions including a waterfall expedition, ziplining, cave tour, and its most popular, Hoyo Azul eco tour. Upon arriving at Scape Park I was immediately turned off by the tourist trap that lay before me. Cafe, gift shop, professional photographers snapping photos they hope you’ll purchase later, and lots of people waiting around. I was not impressed.

Ticket costs vary depending on the attraction and there is a discount for multiples. Our tickets for the blue hole were $69 each and included transportation. Once you identify your guide for the attraction for which you purchased tickets (they have signs) you wait for more people to arrive. Tours leave twice daily at scheduled times, but you don’t have much control over how early you arrive since you rely on Scape Park’s shuttle service from your resort. I am certain they intentionally get you there earlier than necessary in hopes you’ll patron the shops.  Fortunately, there are some animals to look at and we enjoyed the monkeys in particular. I also found myself draped in an enormous python. I have no photo to share, though since the photographer shouted at Mike when he tried to take a picture.

Mike and I waited nearly 45 minutes until we finally set off for the mile or so “hike” to the cenote. I say “hike” because it was really more of a leisurely stroll through the jungle with more stops than are necessary: water break, bathroom break, and photo break. What should have taken no more than twenty minutes took more like forty. As far as “eco tour,” that is also a bit of a stretch. It’s a walk through the woods with a few orchids crudely attached to trees with wire.

After the space and exclusivity of the resort, I found myself annoyed to be in a large group of people, at the mercy of the tour guide. I didn’t need breaks on a short walk and was fully capable of following the trail myself. So far, I had found the entire experience a waste of time. But I kept my hopes up that the blue hole would be worth it.

Hoyo Azul

The trail to the blue hole winds up some steps and onto what is more or less a wooden deck. Around us was an enormous cavern. Below us was a natural pool filled with the most beautiful turquoise water I have ever seen. All my frustration melted away. I realized Scape Park was simply the gateway to something magnificent, and worth the minor annoyances.

We descended a flight of wooden steps onto another large deck, much like a dock at a bay, where you could stand against the railing and look directly down into the blue hole. It was conical shaped. Shallow and rocky along the perimeter, but plunging downward to depths unknown to me in the center. A few more stairs on the left lead down to the water’s edge. On the right was a 14 foot high ledge for jumping. I was overjoyed to see it, but more than anything I wanted to feel that water against my skin.

“What are they waiting for?” I asked Mike. I looked around at the forty or so people in our tour; everyone busy taking selfies and gazing upon the blue hole through the lenses of their cameras and phones.

“I’m going in.”

I slipped out of my skirt and pulled my tank top over my head and walked in only my bathing suit down the staircase to the wooden landing beside the water. Lowering my feet onto a wooden board submerged in the water, I felt the cool freshness against my skin. I lowered my eyes and inhaled deeply, taking it in.

This. This is what was missing on our trip to the Dominican so far. I had so badly wanted to see something new, something natural, something besides our beautiful resort to make me feel as if I had the right to say I had been to the Dominican Republic. And for a blessed moment, it was all mine. I was inspired by the magnificence of my surroundings.

“Is it cold?” Remembering I was not alone in this beautiful space, I looked up and saw dozens of pairs of eyes gazing down at me. Me, in only my swimsuit. Them, hanging over railings awaiting my response.

“Not really,” I said. And then, with all eyes on me, I dove off the little step into the cool water the shade of blue like nothing I had ever seen. And for several more wonderful minutes, Hoyo Azul was all mine.

Jumping In

Diving in from the ledge was one thing, but jumping from fourteen feet was quite another. I jumped from a twenty-five foot high ledge when I was a tween, but my fear of heights has grown in intensity as I have grown in inches. As I stood at the ledge of the blue hole, fourteen feet up, fear gripped me. I took a step forward, then back, forward, then back. And finally, shook my hands in frustration, fists balled, and stepped aside, encouraging someone to go ahead of me. I know this so well because Mike recorded my first attempt. He also recorded my second attempt when I chickened out again.

By the third time, I was frustrated with myself. I knew I had to jump, but every time I tried, fear held me back as if ropes had emerged from the cavern and knotted themselves around my arms and legs. A few people shouted that I could do it. And I believed them. So I stood at the edge and waved my arms in such a way to universally signal the need for applause. Everyone cheered and whistled. And there I stood, self-conscious in my bathing suit, but not just the heavy woman afraid to jump. I was the woman who created her own cheering squad and knew how to overcome her fear. It was time.

And so I took one small step forward… then back… then forward once more and off the ledge into the blue depths below.

Applause erupted as I emerged from the surface. My body was shaky and flooded with adrenaline. My smile was brighter than the sun. I could watch the video all day of that brave woman taking a leap in spite of her tremendous fear.

Not jumping was never an option. Letting people go in front of me was one thing, but never once did it even occur to me to exit the line. The energy of the crowd inspired me and gave me courage. Jumping cemented the image of the Hoyo Azul in my mind. It is no longer just a gorgeous cenote in the Dominican where I went swimming, but a place where I encountered a fear, and beat it back.

This story would be quite different had I ran out of time. Afterall, Scape Park didn’t give us much time – fifty minutes maybe. They need to get you back to the hub to sit around and spend more money on $12.00 photos. In my October post, Facing and Embracing Fear to Avoid Regret, I wrote: “Imagine if I had let my fear get the best of me that day on top of that cliff? This would not be a story of courage, but one of regret.”

I could say the same exact thing now. Once again, I wrote a story of courage.

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I had just gotten another drink and was settling in to a lounge chair when my friend Rudy approached.

“It’s official,” he said.

“What’s official?”

“Our flight was canceled.”

Despite our anticipation that this would happen due to what was said to be a colossal snow storm headed to the northeast, the official word caught me by surprise. My body flooded with a sense of excitement and relief (this would not be our last day in paradise after all), but also a twinge of anxiety (what now?).

Me, Mike and Rudy headed up to Rudy’s room to use the landline to call United and make other arrangements. After an hour on hold, the call disconnected. Annoyed, we headed down to the reception area to at least secure an additional night’s stay.

“So for one extra night, that will be $750 per room.”

My heart sank and my eyes widened.  I was grateful Mike had gone to the bathroom and wasn’t there to hear this.

I waited for the woman who assisted us to finish talking, then as calmly and kindly as possible told her that we had spoken to someone earlier who assured us they would work with us if our flights were canceled. “Or else we will need to sleep on your beach,” I added.

She got back on the phone. As I did my best to sit patiently, I used my tools to keep calm, think up alternative plans (we could share a room, take a cab over to Santo Domingo and stay in the city) and remind myself that it could be far worse. After all, we were momentarily stuck in Punta Cana; stranded in a brand new, luxury, all-inclusive resort on white sand beaches with turquoise water. Everyone was safe, including Cooper who was staying with his Gammy (my Mom.)

“What’s going on?” Mike asked when he returned.

“Why don’t you grab us a drink, hon? I will take care of this.” Mike had been worried about the storm since before we left. Despite his sun-kissed skin, he turned a shade paler when Rudy said the flight home was canceled. “No, I want to know.”

“Well, she’s currently trying to work with us on the rate.”

“What if—”

“Let’s just see what she can do,” I said, cutting him off gently. Although I had already been thinking up some “what-if” scenarios, I didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves by discussing them out loud. Besides, I knew how nervous Mike was. He was out of his comfort zone enough just being in another country. More than ever I needed to stay calm and help keep Mike at ease. I gave his hand a squeeze. “Everything is going to be fine.”

And just a few moments later, one problem was solved. The resort offered us an incredible rate that exceeded all expectation. They also assured us it would remain the same if we ended up needing additional nights.

“See,” I said to Mike with a reassuring smile as we headed to our room to get back on the phone. “Sometimes we just have to wait and see.”

“Yeah, but what about our flights?”

“We’ll have to wait and see.”

“I hate this.”

“I know you do. But the situation is entirely one hundred percent out of our control. We have no choice but to surrender to it, let go and trust that everything will work out. It could be far worse. Just think of all those people detained at airports, or people trying to get home for funerals.”

After an hour on hold, the call disconnected once more. Rudy was having no better luck. “Screw it, let’s go to dinner and deal with this later,” he suggested.

A cloud of uncertainty hung over dinner. Despite my gratitude for an extra day and the resort’s flexibility, I too was eager to know when we’d be going home. Mike was quiet, but I knew his mind was not. Work, the dog, the added expense… all these things flew through his brain and no encouragement I could offer would quiet them. Instead I simply promised to call again the second we returned to the room. “Maybe the hold times will be shorter the later it gets, anyway.”

Several hours later and after another two dropped calls, I handed Mike the phone so he could wait on hold as I dozed off, unsure if the next morning would be my last in Punta Cana…

“Jess, Jess!” I startled awake and took the phone from Mike.

After several minutes I thanked the woman who re-booked us and turned to an anxious Mike.

“The best they could do for us is Saturday.”

It was only Monday. Mike’s face sank and for a moment I thought he might cry.

“Let’s get some rest,” I said. “I promise to try again in the morning. Maybe someone else can find something different. In the meantime, at least we have a flight.”

First thing the following morning I was back on the phone. As much as I didn’t mind staying until Saturday and knew work had no choice but to understand, my heart ached for Mike who didn’t have the same tools as me. He’d had a restless night.

I asked the helpful man on the line to hold a moment while I explained to Mike he could get us to Philadelphia on Thursday, but we’d have a layover. Mike knew I was in heaven in Punta Cana so his eyes pleaded with me to agree as he answered, “let’s do that.”

And with our flight changed yet again, Mike was flooded with relief.

“Now, can we please enjoy our last couple days here?”

Not long ago I think I would have been just as anxious as Mike in this situation. I’d have wasted time and energy tracking the storm and checking flight information ahead of the cancellations. I’d have allowed my anxiety to keep me from sleep or enjoyment. I’d have conjured up every possible “what-if” scenario and filled my head with stories not remotely based on evidence or fact. (I’ll be fired!) I’d worry about not packing Cooper enough food for Gammy’s house. I’d worry (like Mike) about the lack of clean clothes left in our suitcases. I’d worry about the added expense… worry, worry, worry.

But I did none of this. That’s because I knew full well that I had zero control over the situation and that everything works out. I spent my vacation in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic living in the moment. I swam, I ate, I laughed, I practiced yoga, I danced, I played loads of pool volleyball, I laid in the sun, I drank, and I hung out with Mike and our friends. Me AND my mind stayed in Punta Cana. I didn’t worry about what might happen. And once it did happen, I still didn’t worry because I knew there were solutions. “So we’ll pay to have some clothes laundered if we have to,” I told Mike.

I rode the wave of travel inconvenience and viewed the entire experience as a blessing in disguise. Rather than leave Tuesday morning, we left Thursday afternoon. It was a good test for me. Like an exam. I got to put my tools to use and I passed. As for Mike, now that he has this experience under his belt, I’m confident he will not be so uneasy if anything like this should happen again. Although he did say it will be a while before he leaves the country again.

“That’s okay,” I said. “Hawaii is technically part of the country.”

Somewhere along the course of my life, I became convinced I didn’t deserve to feel good about myself. Well-manicured nails, nice clothes, special treatments… these things were exclusively reserved for thin, healthy women. They deserved them, not me. I’d have to earn them. And the only way I could earn them was to quit smoking and be thin. Since I almost always fell short in that department, I have deprived myself of that which would make me feel better. I didn’t realize this until quite recently…

The Revelation

I was sitting with my counselor chatting about my progress and how great I’ve been feeling. “And although I’m not at the weight I hoped I’d be by now, I went ahead and made all my appointments anyway for waxing, mani/pedi, etc. I’m going shopping for a new swimsuit and a few new pieces of clothing. I’ve been applying self-tanner,” I said with a laugh.  “I want to do whatever I can to look as good as I feel. I never did that in the past and I always regretted not trying harder before a special event.”

“Why do you think that is?” she asked.

I had to think about it. Why didn’t I buy new clothes or splurge on new make-up, pedicures or waxing before special events in the past? The truth emerged.

“I suppose it’s because I was never who I wanted to be for the occasion. And so I guess I never felt I deserved those things. I was a fat smoker. I didn’t earn a new swimsuit or clothes, or special treatment. And so I’d go to the thing or the place, and I’d feel self conscious about my clothes and my nails and my hair and my smoking. Feeling like shit was what I deserved.”

No sooner than the harsh reality left my lips did my eyes start to well with this sad revelation. I never understood this was my thought progress and why I made the decisions I did. It hurt to learn this is how I treated myself… that in yet another way, I was my own worst enemy.

“And why is it different now?” she asked.

“I feel good. I know I don’t look much different yet, but I feel different. I’ve quit smoking, have worked so hard and have made so much progress. I don’t want to punish myself anymore. I want to reward myself. I deserve to go to Punta Cana next week and feel as good about myself as possible. So many times I have done things as if I’d get a re-do when I was ready.”

“Like those things didn’t quite count because you weren’t the version of yourself in your head?”

“Exactly. But I’ve learned that there are seldom opportunities for re-dos. I may never go to Punta Cana again. It may be years before I get to to the Caribbean again, if ever. I don’t want to go in an old swimsuit that barely fits or with ugly feet. I don’t want to look at pictures and wish I’d tried harder. I don’t want to feel self-conscious and cry in my room before gaining the courage to go down to the pool.”

Clearly, somewhere over the past few months, a miraculous shift in my thought process occurred.

I deserve to feel good about myself. 

The Preparation

And so I went shopping. Twice. My arms laden with hangers I entered the dressing rooms at various stores prepared for war and experienced countless emotions throughout the process. But with patience, forgiveness, diligence, discernment, and a little help from my friends (Kathy reminded me to tap into my inner Goddess and that I deserve a beautiful swimsuit I feel great in), I emerged victorious. I found two great swimsuits, two gorgeous cover-ups that make me feel confident and sexy, and a few other pieces that fit great and make me feel good.

I will get my nails and toes done, my hair cut, and some waxing. I’ll replace some overdue make-up. I will put care and effort into packing (minimally, of course).

The Conclusion

I have let my fears and a sense that I didn’t deserve things hold me back for a long time. I want to travel! I want to see and experience new things! I want to feel good about myself! I want to achieve my goals! I have shifted my thinking from a place of fear to a place of love and I have witnessed my life finally begin to change. I’ve worked very hard to rid myself of destructive and sabotaging thought processes. It was only once I started to do that that I finally began to see change. I now see this idea that I don’t deserve to feel good about myself for what it truly is: another story concocted by my fear-mind to keep me from living my life and pursuing my dreams. This idea was never motivating, only debilitating.

And now that I know I deserve to feel good about myself, the sky is my limit.

Aspiring to do and see things is healthy. But unfortunately, once we’ve done or seen them we have a tendency to move right on to the next desire. We tend to cast away our past experiences into a ‘been there, done that’ box. The key to happiness is to compare ourselves not to those more fortunate, but those less fortunate. I think we should apply that philosophy when it comes to our “bucket list” desires. Rather than (or in addition to) list all the things we want do and see, we should list all the things we have done and seen. By creating a bucket list in reverse, we can see just how full our lives have been and how much we’ve done. Then we can look back with gratitude, rather than ahead with longing.

Bucket List in Reverse

I wrote a sixty item long bucket list in April, 2010. Following are the items I accomplished; my bucket list in reverse if you will:

23. Get my Bachelors degree (achieved May, 2014 – was also the commencement speaker.)

27. Own a hammock. Use it all the time. (Purchased in 2014. I adore laying in it.)

29. Run on a beach during low tide. (I’ve done this several times and always love it – it’s the little things.)

31. Stay at the Bed and Breakfast Angels by the Sea, with my mom. (We went for the weekend in December, 2011.)

33. Have a compost pile. (I love that I listed this as an actual bucket list item. We purchased a compost bin after we bought a home and it is full of beautiful compost.)

39. Learn yoga so that I can practice independently. (I have learned enough that I am comfortable practicing independently. I also finally have a regular and consistent yoga practice, something I have wanted to achieve for years.)

41. Go on a vacation with just my best friend. (I have done two overnight trips with two different best friends and loved it.)

42. Sit in a tube and float down the Delaware River. (I did this with my husband, Mike; brother, Doug; and sister-in-law Kristin in July of 2014 and it was a lot of fun!)

44. Adopt a sick or unwanted dog. (I am amazed this was on there since I never cared for dogs. But just a few months later in August, 2010 I found a dog dying of heat stroke in a park. That dog is our beloved Cooper and you can read all about how he came to be with us in Chicken Soup for the Soul’s “My Very Good, Very Bad Dog.”

45. Stop smoking forever. (FINALLY achieved July 23, 2016. It hasn’t been “forever,” but it has been 212 days as of this posting, which feels like forever.) Here’s a photo of me taken on February 7, 2017:

48. Eat lamb, duck, foie gras. (Done! And no, not all at the same time!) 

58. Own a home. (Mike and I purchased our home in June, 2011 and I am grateful for it every day.)

59. See Pearl Jam live. (I saw Pearl Jam in October, 2013. It was an incredible show. Crossing that one off the list was huge.)

I’ve yet to achieve many items on the original list. Some have simply fallen off as my priorities have changed. I could also probably write a whole new 60-item list right now. But there are also many incredible things I have done in addition to the list, because I pursue life and living. I will continue to do so.

This quote has a double meaning to me: “I’d rather look back at my life and say “I can’t believe I did that” instead of saying “I wish I did that.” Yes, we should live our lives and do the things we wish to, so that we don’t die with regret. BUT we must also appreciate the things we’ve done so that we die with gratitude for our experiences, rather than lament the things we didn’t get a chance to do.

And that is why I intend to keep reverse bucket lists… so that I never forget how fortunate and full my life has been.

What items are on your reverse bucket list? What have you done that continues to bring you gratitude and joy? I’d love to hear from you.

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“What was your happiest moment this year?” That was the daily question for December 30 in Questions For Life. Even though I wrote the questions, I am experiencing them for the first time as I use the journal for myself. This question stumped me; it made me think. What was my happiest moment? Many memories flashed before my eyes and I recognized a spectrum of nuanced emotions. It took me some time to hone in on the answer. Once I did, I realized the question had a deeper meaning. And that’s when I discovered there was much to learn from our happiest moments…

Through my daily journaling practice throughout all of 2016, I paid close attention. The year isn’t a blur for me. And specific moments of happiness stand out amongst the countless joyful ones I am incredibly grateful to have experienced. Pinpointing my happiest moments was such a good exercise because in identifying and acknowledging our happiest moments I think we are more likely to strive to recreate them. Many people, sadly, don’t seem to know what makes them happy. We generally don’t give our happiest moments the credit they deserve. We allow them to be fleeting.

My Happiest Moments of 2016

1. Beach Days: Reflecting on the year, many of my happiest moments occurred at the beach. The sun, the water, my paddleboard, a good book, relaxation, friends, laughter… it’s a recipe for joy. Emotions are tricky because they are so nuanced. As I sat in my beach chair in shallow water at my favorite spot and looked up from an excellent book and felt the sun on my face and inhaled the scent of saltwater, was it happiness I felt? Or was it joy? Or peace? A combination of many different emotions, I think. My jaw hurt from laughing with special people, my shoulders were at ease with no presence of stress. Days like that are the good stuff. I felt happy…

2. Travel: Other happiness highlights are also peppered throughout my week vacation to Asheville, NC. Quality time with family made me very happy, as did seeing new sights and being surrounded by mountains and fresh air. New experiences, however, made me feel exuberant. Standing in the middle of a forest in the pouring rain waiting my turn to slide down a natural waterfall. Later, swimming full force at the bottom of a waterfall in frigid crystal clear mountain water. Hiking. White water rafting… Travel thrills me! It makes me feel alive.

3. Conversation & Connection: Good conversation and human connection has the same effect on me as travel. There were some amazing moments this past year with people I cherish. How incredible to feel so happy just being given the opportunity to listen and to be heard, to love and be loved. It fills my heart. Without these connections, a large part of my joy would go missing.

4. Accomplishment: And finally, how I love my productive days and meeting goals! I may be confusing accomplishment with happiness here, but damn, I LOVE the way I feel after a good workout, work session or when slashing things off my to-do list. I crave it.

What My Happiest Moments Taught Me

Now that I took the time to reflect and identify what made me happiest in 2016, I know exactly what I need more of in my life in 2017. I need more:

1. Beach days
2. Travel
3. Conversation & Connection
4. Accomplishments

This is clearly the good stuff in my life that brings me the most joy. I’d be a fool not to seek more of it in my life. And that is what my happiest moments of 2016 taught me… they taught me what to go after.

So ask yourself: “What was your happiest moment this year?” Explore what makes you feel most joyous, most alive. And then, pursue it as if your life depended on it. After all, our life does depend on our happiness.

P.S. And if you want to be asked 364 more thought-provoking questions like this, then order your copy of Questions For Life: Two Year Guided Daily Journal For Intentional Living and begin your daily journaling practice.

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Cold water rushed over my feet as I climbed the natural staircase in line with those of my daring family members. We excitedly waited our turn to slide down a 60 foot natural mountain waterfall and splash into the frigid plunge pool below. Sliding Rock is located in Pisgah National Forest and is only one of the many fun things I experienced while on vacation in Asheville, NC with Mike’s family last week. We all enjoyed quality time with one another and the beautiful views. What I loved most of all, however, was the new life experiences and feeling alive. I was in awe of and inspired by my surroundings.

Nature is incredible and mountains are magnificent. I’m falling more in love with them after every trip to Colorado, Washington, Vermont, and now Western North Carolina. The slower pace, fresher air, darkness and quiet inspires and refreshes me. I’ve grown so accustomed to the crowds and congestion of Philadelphia and public transportation that I rejoiced in having so much space. I spread my arms at every opportunity as if I could embrace the breathtaking horizon of jagged greens, grays and blues.

The trip was one of many firsts for me, including the fact that it was my first ever family vacation. All thirteen of us stayed in a beautiful home fifteen minutes outside of Asheville. The views from our porch were splendid.

Everything was within an hour’s drive: white water rafting; hiking; the Biltmore Estate, the largest privately owned residence in North America, where we toured the meticulously manicured gardens, house and winery; Pisgah National Forest where we also swam in Looking Glass Falls; Lake Lure where Dirty Dancing was filmed and we had a pretty epic water balloon fight; and Asheville where we shopped, visited breweries and bars and even went to a minor league baseball game.

The entire area is wonderful and Asheville is a cool little town with a chill vibe. It reminded me a lot of a smaller Boulder, CO minus the legal marijuana. Not only was it great spending a full week in such a fabulous location, but it was wonderful spending it with family we don’t see often.  The trip afforded us an opportunity to spend real quality time with one another.

Our final night in the house Mike’s cousin and wife, whom I had a wonderful time bonding with, made homemade empanadas. Latin music rang out from the portable speaker. The kitchen truly is the heart of the home. In no time nearly everyone was cooking, dancing, chatting and laughing.

As we feasted on our delicious dinner I asked everyone to share their favorite part of the week. Responses varied from Sliding Rock, to the baseball game, to rafting, but mine remained: the new life experiences. When I plunged into the chilly water at the base of Sliding Rock, my body flooded with adrenaline from fear and the shock of the cold water. My heart hammered as I climbed the rocks with weak knees. It poured down rain as we rushed back in line in the middle of the forest at nature’s own personal water park. I took it all in: the rain, the sounds of rushing water, the chill, the fear, the excitement of my family members… I felt ALIVE.

Is there anything better?

I would feel alive over and over again throughout the week on vacation in Asheville, NC. As we walked the grand gardens on a beautifully sunny day at Biltmore, whooped as we white water rafted down Pigeon River in Eastern Tennessee, spun in a circle taking in 360 degree views at the peak of Craggy Gardens Trail on the Blue Ridge Parkway, swam full speed at the base of a waterfall only to be held back by its awesome force, and many more times in between.

I remained in awe of the passing mountains on the ten hour drive home after seven full and exciting days. The time away from reality, the break from work, the fresh air and nature all inspired me.

As the mountains grew smaller and eventually disappeared entirely, I missed them and our vacation in Asheville, NC. Mike, who is often content not to do things twice, turned to me and said, “Don’t worry. We’ll be back.”

I certainly hope so.

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They say you should do one thing everyday that scares you. Fears have the power to constrain exploration and development and therefore keep us from living a full life. If we face our fears, we might learn things aren’t as scary as we thought. But facing something you’re afraid of takes a lot of energy and courage. It often feels unnecessary, so we go on avoiding that which terrifies us because there is something even more worrisome on the other side… not knowing what will happen. I think for many of us, that’s the greater terror.

Some fears are unjustified or irrational. I don’t know why the sight of a spider, even a tiny one, causes me to sharply inhale, freeze, turn pale and perspire. I think it’s the legs. Even the sight of a web is enough to make me abandon a cleaning or gardening project, or pull my car over and search, terrified for the bugger in order to avoid a car accident when it inevitably drops down before my eyes. On the rare occasion I’ve had no choice but to gather the nerve to kill a spider, I cannot kill it enough. It is a hysterical shoe slamming desperation that requires adequate emotional recovery time.

So how did I find myself in line amongst grade school children waiting my turn to hold Rosie, the Butterfly Pavilion‘s resident tarantula? I think it was a combination of two things: I was on vacation and believe you try new things on vacation, and I figured if the kids could do it, so could I. So I handed my brother, Joey my camera and we got in line. Few times in my life I can recall being so simultaneously horrified and excited.

I sat across from Rosie’s handler barely breathing. I couldn’t take my eyes off the enormous and hairy specimen in his lap.

“Whatever you do, do not throw her,” he said as he gently scooped her up with one hand.

I nodded. He took my hand with his free one and held it firmly above his own. As he was about to place Rosie into my sweaty palm, I shrieked and ripped my hand away.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I took a breath, wiped my palm on my jeans and tried again.  The man was patient.

“Okay, ready?”

I nodded.

Again, I ripped my hand away at the last second. “I can’t,” I said, the heat of panic, tears and defeat rising in my face, and motioned to get up.

“How about I let one of her legs touch you first?” the handler offered.

I looked at my brother, standing nearby, smiling with the camera. I reluctantly nodded.

It took every ounce of resolution to not pull my hand away as Rosie’s front leg lifted toward my fist. I expected it to scratch, and have weight to it, but what I felt instead was soft and light as a feather.

“Okay, I’m ready now.”

Again the handler took my hand palm up and kept his own firmly beneath mine. I tensed as he placed Rosie in my hand. I was amazed by how light she was. I stared at this giant spider, the size of my palm, speechless. Poor Rosie, such a sweet name for such an ugly and terrifying creature.

After what felt like minutes, but was probably less than one, the handler said, “I’m going to have her walk onto my hand now.” He touched her backside and she walked across my hand onto his. The sight of this was worse than the sensation.

Once Rosie was safely with her handler, I exhaled and smiled victoriously. I was given a sticker proclaiming ‘I held Rosie’ and proudly stuck it to my chest.

“Did you see that!?” I asked Joey, as if he was not less than three feet away the whole time. “I held a tarantula! I can do anything now!”

“I was scared you were going to crush that thing,” he answered.

Rosie taught me a lot about fear and the perception of things. I thought she would be heavy, scratchy, and run up my arm, leap onto my face, stare into my horrified eyes and sink her monstrous fangs into my nose. But instead she was almost sweet. The people at the Butterfly Pavilion understood perception when they named her Rosie instead of something evil like Ursula or Cruella.

Ever since I held Rosie I have weeded without gloves, pushed aside webs with my bare hands and even let spiders live! Little did I know I cured my arachnophobia with systematic desensitization, otherwise known as exposure therapy.

I am left wondering what else I’m afraid of. What else is holding me back from living a full life? Is it fear of the thing itself or my perception of the thing? I believe it is the perception, but even greater is the unknown of not knowing what will happen…

I will never forget Rosie. She represents the epitome of fear. I had no idea what would happen. My imagination told me I’d be bitten. Logic told me the establishment wouldn’t allow children to hold a giant spider if it was dangerous. Reality showed me I am brave. I survived, unscathed and better off in the end. What actually happened in the end was more wonderful than any scenario my mind had conjured up when I was staring into the many black eyes of fear.

Maybe not knowing what will happen is all the more reason we need to find out…

Me, horrified. Rosie, chillin.

Greetings from Colorado! I am currently on vacation, my first in well over a year. I am enjoying the fresh air, change of scenery, and catching up with my brother, Joe.

Time off and down time are very important to me. I am writing this post one year from the day I graduated Saint Joseph’s University. I will never forget the stress of how busy I was while working full time, going to school full time, writing, and co-editing a collection of short stories. It really scarred and changed me and never again will I allow myself to take on so much at once.

There definitely seems to be a glorification of busy in our culture, as if prizes are handed out for those who work the most hours or go on the least amount of sleep. If you’re not busy all the time, then somehow that seems to imply negative things about your character, like you’re not motivated or successful. When asking someone how they’re doing, how often does the response include the words ‘busy’ or ‘tired’ or some variation of both? I hear it all the time. I know that I was busy and tired for two years. My prizes were depression, frustration, weight gain and complete and utter burnout.

This year I have made a conscious effort to limit my use of those words. It hasn’t been that difficult because I no longer feel tired and busy all the time. Sure, there are pockets of stress and times when a lot is going on, but my perspective is different now. I still keep busy, but everything I do is by choice and the deadlines are self-imposed and I am in control over what I do and when. Doing things out of obligation is stressful, but doing them out of choice is passion. It makes a world of difference. I was explaining to my oldest brother the other day how I am keeping busy, but I wished there was another word for it. He said, “Full. Your days are full.” “Exactly!” I said.

So many people fear or look down upon doing ‘nothing’. But it is impossible to ever be doing nothing! There is this sense of shame and regret in doing ‘nothing’, but even if you’re laying on the couch, vegging out, marathon-watching Netflix, you’re not doing ‘nothing’. You’re resting – giving your mind and body a break. We don’t say we’re doing ‘nothing’ when we practice meditation, sitting in silence, trying not to think. Reading a magazine or napping are forms of meditation for some people. It recharges you. Sitting around chatting isn’t doing ‘nothing’, either. I needed to remind my brother of this last night when he said he wished there was something we could do. I was having a good time doing what we were doing.

We need this down time. Napping, vegging, reading for pleasure, hobbies, laying in a hammock watching the clouds even though there are dishes in the sink and you have 50 unread e-mails is important. So many of us put the things we really want to do at the bottom of a massively long to-do list and consider them our reward for finishing that list. But if you’re like me, there have been many times that by the time you got to the bottom of that list you were too tired to do what you wanted to do just for you.

Resting is not a form of laziness. It is necessary. In fact, I would argue that rested people are more productive. I consider myself very productive with a balanced work/home life. I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have been in a very long time.

My advice to you, coming from someone who knows, take downtime. Let’s stop the glorification of busy and feeling guilty about times when we aren’t producing. We’re not machines. There is so much pleasure in looking up from work and obligations. It’s time we realize that almost everything in life can wait a day or at least a few hours, so that we can take a few hours for ourselves.

Make yourself a priority on your to-do list. Remember, it is impossible to ever do nothing.

Last May I was reading for pleasure for the first time in ages. The book, Kook: What Surfing Taught Me About Love, Life, and Catching the Perfect Wave was a graduation gift from a friend who knew I wanted to spend the summer surfing. The story took place mostly in Baja. While still reading it, I was having a meeting with Reading Glasses co-editor, Amy Holiday, who said she hoped we could wrap up the project before she went to Baja the following autumn.

“Baja! Wow, what a coincidence. I am reading a book that takes place in Baja right now. Who are you going with?”

Amy wasn’t going with anyone, so she invited me. I could hardly believe it. I asked if she was absolutely certain at least a dozen times and then dragged her out to my garage where I asked my husband, Mike if I could go, pulling that famous of kid tricks of asking your parents permission in front of your friend to increase the likelihood of a yes response. Amy’s presence or not, there was no denying my excitement that the Universe was in line and I was meant to go surfing in Baja! Mike gave me the go ahead and I bought my airfare the next morning.

I was finally going to see the Pacific. I was going to Baja. It was a sign that this really was the summer of surfing. The experience belt was getting another notch! My dreams of travel were being realized. I daydreamed about it for the rest of the summer.

Then, on September 15, Hurricane Odile ravaged the Baja Peninsula. The resort we were to stay in the following month was damaged and our reservation was canceled. I was crushed, but there was no denying that it just wasn’t the right time…

When it came time to adjust my airfare, the resort still hadn’t reopened and Amy couldn’t reach anyone about rescheduling. I had ten days to change my airfare or forfeit the $600 credit, and I had no idea where or when to go. I had to go somewhere by June 1, a year from the day I purchased the tickets. Reluctantly I changed my international airfare for the most domestic (and safest) location I could think of with no set plans or confirmed travel companion: Florida.

All the long winter, sunny Florida remained on the horizon, an uncertain trip in my future that gave me anxiety and slight heartache whenever it crossed my mind. The timing was bad for my husband to join me and I could think of few things more depressing than going to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter alone. It’s just money, I convinced myself. So I decided to forfeit the airfare credit and go somewhere where being alone made sense and wouldn’t be depressing. I decided I would go on an R&R retreat at Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health in Western Massachusetts, my own little adventure and birthday treat.

And yet it never moved past the idea phase. A little over a week ago I realized I needed to get a move on with these plans. I still hadn’t canceled my flight or booked my retreat. I began second guessing everything. Manhattan, the shore, Vermont… What did I want to do? Where did I want to go? I had my first week’s vacation in well over a year coming up and I had no idea what to do with it, and I was still torn about throwing away $600 worth of airfare. I even looked into flying to the retreat just so I wouldn’t waste it, but transportation from Albany airport was impractical.

The June 1 deadline was breathing down my neck. Wherever I went, I had to go soon and decide fast. Laying on the floor, irritated by my dilemma, staring at the ceiling and talking out loud, my husband interjected. “Why don’t you go see your brother?” I sat up, squinting as my brain processed this idea.

“That’s brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that?” Within 48 hours I changed my airfare for the third time in almost exactly one year. I would go to Colorado and visit my brother, Joey, who was surprised and excited to have me. We would have our own adventure and I would get to see new things and I wouldn’t be alone. It was a win all around. I leave this Friday.

This trip was a year in the making, and involved a lot of uncertainty and a total lack of enthusiasm. Now, things are certain and I am excited. When I explained my plans to my friend, Kathy who knew how much this had all been bothering me, she smiled. “You had to sit with it for a while,” she said. And I was reminded that things happen when they are meant to, and some stories take a long time to develop.

I thought the Universe had given me a crystal clear sign with Baja, but the longer I sat with it, the more it shifted and evolved. It’s like when someone smiles at you, and that first impression is wonderful, but then they sit near you and you realize they smell bad and the spell is broken. You want to get up and leave, go sit somewhere else. But then they explain they were helping a stranded baby seal and can’t wait to take a shower, so your opinion changes again.

I will get to Baja when the time is right. Or maybe I’m meant to go to Bali instead… The Wizarding World of Harry Potter will still be there next year. Right now, it’s time to go see my brother. I would not be going if it wasn’t for this cancelled trip to Baja and who knows how many more years would have gone by before I’d see him. If everything does in fact happen for a reason, then all is right in the Universe.

I just needed to sit with it all long enough to hear the rest of the story.